02x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Jessica hired Detective Donohue

to follow the trail
of the missing Chester,

but it appears Detective Donohue

would prefer to follow Jessica.

Danny and Burt began following
the kidnappers' instructions,

hoping they'll follow through

on their promise
to return Elaine.

Eunice and Dutch

are on their way to a farm
in upstate New York

and hope the police
won't follow them,

and what with Elaine's
kidnapping

and Jodie's wedding plans,

it follows that Burt and Mary
haven't had time

to confront each other
about their respective affairs.

Unable to follow all this?

You won't be

after the following episode
of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is... Soap.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Well, you ask a stupid question,
you get a stupid answer.

Yeah.

Which one of these phones

are they gonna call on?

They didn't say.

I'd feel a lot easier

if that lady'd get off the line.

Excuse me, are you gonna be long?
Get out of here!

Thank you.

She'll just be a few minutes.

They could be calling
any second now.

Danny, please, relax.

You take these four phones.

I'll get these four.

You've got a lot of nerve.

How's it going, lady?
Rotate.

Good to hear it.

New Yorkers don't waste words.

Uh-huh.

Hey, lady,

if you don't get off this phone,

me and him are gonna k*ll you.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I'll call you later.

Thanks.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Okay.

Those are mine.
Those are...

Hello. Yes?

Hello.

Hello. It's them.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got it,
I've got all of it.

But I'm not taking another step

until I talk to Elaine.

If that's not
too much trouble, sir.

They want to hear the broad say,

"Hello, I'm fine."

Give me the phone.

Okay, loverboy,

so how do I know
you got the money?

I've got it, I've got it,

but unless I hear from Elaine,
you'll never see it.

Well, if we don't see it,

you don't see her.

And if we don't see her,

you don't see the money.

If I don't see the money,

you don't see her.

No her, no money.
No money, no her.

Fine.
Fine.

It's fine with you.
It's fine with me.

All right, look,
I've got it, every dime.

Just tell me,
where do I make the drop, jerk?

Don't you ever talk
to me like that again.

Never again, sorry, never.

Here.

Watch your mouth.

Danny?

Elaine.
Thank God.

Oh, Danny, Danny.

Oh, God, I feel so bad.

What's the matter?
Are they hurting you?

Because if they touch
one hair on your head...

No, no, no, honey,
honey, I'm fine.

It's just...
I feel so bad

about being so much trouble.

Trouble?

Baby, what are you
talking about?

You're no trouble.

I love you.

Oh, l love you.
I love you.

Oh, I love you.
I love you.

I love you, Danny.
I love you.

All right, all right,
you love each other.

This call's costing a fortune.

All right, look,

here's where you make the drop.

BOTH: Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Across from the...

And behind a...

Yeah.

That's not how you spell that.

How do you spell that?

BOTH: Yeah.

Okay.

Got it.

Bye-bye.

Well, Danny,

there's nothing to do now

but... just wait
for tomorrow.

[♪]

I really love her.

I know, Danny.

Come on.

Dutch?

Yeah?

This is

your grandmother's farmhouse?

Yeah.

It's awful.

It's... It's a pigsty.

She sure let it go to pot.

Eunice,
she wasn't a bad housekeeper.

She's been dead for years.

Well, let's talk about it later.

I've got to go to the bathroom.

Ugh.

Dutch.

Yeah.

There's no bathroom.

Of course there's a bathroom.

There's got to be a bathroom.

There's no bathroom.

So, what did your grandmother
die of?

Kidney disease?

I forgot.

Look here.

You see that

over there by the tree?

That's the outhouse.

Outhouse?

Yeah.

That's where people
go to the bathroom?

Right.

Forget it.

You're the one who has to
go to the bathroom, not me.

[SCREAMING]

What, what?

A tarantula.

What are you doing up here?

What do you mean,

what am I doing up here?

You said, "There's
a tarantula."

You're a man.

You're not supposed to be afraid
of a tarantula.

Like hell I'm not.

I can't stand things like that,

spiders and stuff.

Blech.

Dutch, you've got to k*ll it.

You've got to be kidding.

That means I have
to get close to it?

Well, you k*lled a man,
for God's sake.

You can k*ll a tarantula.

That's probably not a tarantula.

You know that, don't you?

Oh, that's a tarantula,

all right.

There's no tarantulas
in New York State.

Oh, really?

What do they do?

Walk through Jersey,

get to
the George Washington Bridge

and say,
"That's as far as we go"?

Dutch, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna k*ll it.

Can't stay up there forever.

Aaugh!

That's not a tarantula.

That's a black widow spider.

Why didn't you k*ll it?

Why didn't I k*ll it?

Do you know how poisonous

those things are?

Well, he's probably
much more afraid of us

than we are of him.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Then how come we're the ones

up on the table?

Dutch,

why don't you just
jump off the table

and land on him?

Huh?

Okay, come on.
Come on, come on.

Go ahead.

Okay, okay.
Jump.

Okay.

What if that doesn't k*ll him?

Dutch, you weigh pounds.

You'd k*ll a buffalo.

Now, go on.

Jump.

[WHIMPERS]

Did you k*ll him?

I don't know.
I don't feel him breathing.

Not under that foot.

Uh-oh.

What?

He's not under that foot either.

Oh, God.

What?

He's crawling up my leg.

Oh, he's not. He's not
crawling up your leg.

He is, he is.
He's crawling up my leg.

He's gonna bite me and k*ll me.

No. Dutch.

Dutch, stand still.

You're gonna antagonize him.

Oh.

Oh, God.

What?

It bit me.

I felt a bite.

This is it, Eunice.

I can feel the poison
coming up my legs.

It's going right to my heart.

He bit me, he bit me.

I'm a dead man!

Where did he bite you?

On my leg.

[HYSTERICAL BLABBER]

I've probably only got
a couple of minutes

to live.

There's nothing there.

What do you mean,
there's nothing there?

There's nothing on your leg.

Eunice, don't joke
with a dying person.

That ain't nice.

Would you walk?

[SCREAMING]

What, what?

I k*lled him, I k*lled him.

I was standing on him.

Where you going?

To the outhouse.

If I can k*ll a spider,
I can handle the outhouse.

"Into the mystifying oracles..."

Oh, Benson, good.
Sit down a minute.

Why?

I want you to work this with me.
What is it?

It's a Ouija Board.
It tells the future.

Get out of here.

No, Benson, come on, now.
Just for a second.

What does it do?

Well, first of all,

we have to put
our fingers on it.

Oh, no, not like that.

Gently, like this.

See?

Now, I ask it questions,

and it spells out the answers.

You paid money for this?

Ready?
Yeah.

Now?
Yeah.

[SHOUTING] What is Benson

going to cook for dinner?

You could've just asked me

instead of
spending money on this.

Nothing's happening.

I guess I ain't cooking.

Give it a minute.

Forget it.

It probably don't move
for black people.

Hi. I let myself in.

Good, now you can let
yourself out.

Oh, Benson,
can I get something to drink?

No.

Oh, good, thank you.

I'd probably spill it.

Detective Donohue,

I have a surprise for you.

And I have a surprise for you.

I found a bandage

that probably belonged
to your husband

at the train station.

I think he's headed
toward New York.

Oh, let's ask the Ouija Board.

It'll tell us.

Ouija Board?

Mm-hmm.
That's my surprise.

No kidding?

Well, that's sure gonna save me
a lot of work.

Now I can conduct
the entire investigation

from the kitchen.

You don't believe in it, do you?

No.

Well, do you think

that you'll find Chester?

Well, I've found everyone
I've ever looked for,

except for one person.

Who?

My ex-wife.

What happened to her?

She ran off with my partner.

No...

We owned a detective agency
together, he and I,

for years.

Then one day,
he and my wife disappeared,

along with most of our earnings.

See, he was screwing around
with the books too.

You never found them?

Nah, I never looked.

See, in the beginning,

I was so hurt,
I couldn't bring myself to,

and after a while,

I was so angry,
I didn't want to.

How terrible.

Nah, it's okay, it's fine.

The house is quiet.
There's no hair in the sink.

Well, don't you worry.

Someday, you'll find someone.

I already have.

Oh, see that?
Isn't that nice?

It stinks. I hate it.

I wish I'd never met her.
I'm a wreck.

If that woman knew

what she was doing to me...

You mean, she doesn't know?

Of course not.

Well, you'll have to tell her

how you feel.

I can't tell her how I feel.

Oh, of course you can.

No, I can't.

You just tell her.

I love you.

You see?

Yes, just say it out, like that.

She'll love hearing it.
Believe me.

I love you.

Good, goodie.
It sounds good, huh?

You, I love you.

Me?

See what I mean?

Sorry, I knew I shouldn't
have said it.

You forced me.

I'm leaving. Goodbye.
Where's the door?

Me?
You.

No.

Yes.
Really?

What do you think?

I'd make something like that up?

Ooh... this is terrible.

Well, I don't know
how terrible it is.

I'm not that bad.

Oh, no, I don't mean that,

but if you feel the way
you say you feel,

how hard are you going to look
for Chester?

Very hard.

I'd rather compete with the man
than with the memory.

Don't worry, Mrs. Tate.

I promise,
you'll get your husband,

and then...

I'll get you.

Nervous, huh?

Well, I...

Don't be. It's the happiest day
of your life.

Remember that.
Yeah, I know...

It was the happiest day
of my life once.

It's the happiest day
of your mother's life right now.

That true, Mary?

[SOBS]

You see? So don't be nervous.

You nervous?
A little.

Don't be. It's the happiest day
of your life.

You nervous, Burt?

No, I've been through this
all before.

Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.

Don't you be nervous,

because you're marrying
a wonderful girl,

and the entire family's
crazy about her, so...

Isn't that true, Mary?

[SOBS]

See what I mean?
We're all tickled pink.

Oh, Ma, Ma, you all right?

Oh, great.

Is that happy crying
or unhappy crying?

You know, I've never
been able to tell

the difference.

Yes.

Yes?

It's both.

I'm happy

because you're getting married,
Jodie,

but... I'm losing my baby.

Ma, you're not losing me.

I'm right here.

You'll move out.

I'll never see you.

Ma, I moved out months ago...

And you still see me.

I mean, today's
a perfect example.

Look this way.

What do you see?

You.

See?

[MUMBLING]

Just let me explain
something to you now.

Now, you know I'm not very big
on father-son lectures, right?

But women are different
than men.

I suppose you understand that
more than anybody,

having dealt with it
from both sides, so to speak.

No, I mean up here,

you know,
it's up here they're different.

For instance, sometimes,
if you're nice to them,

right away, they get suspicious,

and then
if you treat them rotten,

they think
they did something wrong,

and they feel great, you see?

That is one of
the more ridiculous things

I've ever heard.

Please, Mary, I know
what I'm talking about here.

They contradict a lot too.

You say, "blue."
They say, "green."

Totally untrue.

See that?

Okay, that's it.

See you out there, Jodie.

Thanks, Burt.

Uh... you know, Ma,
I am a little nervous.

I know.

I hope I'm doing
the right thing.

I think you're going to make
a terrific married person.

Ah, there you are.

Everything okay?

No, Aunt Jessie
just sewed herself to Carol.

Do you think maybe you could go
and undo them?

Yes.

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Hey, you son of a g*n, you.

Hey.

You nervous?
Yeah, a little.

Well, don't be,

because today is
the happiest day of your life.

I heard.

You sure you're holding up okay?

Yeah.

How about you?

Okay, okay.

There's not much left to do

except follow instructions

and wait.

You know, Danny, you didn't
have to come here today.

I would've understood.

Hey, look,
we could all use a happy time

right about now.

I'm glad.

Hey, listen,

I'm not really big

on giving brotherly advice,

but...

I have found

from personal experience

that if you treat a woman

in a certain way,

she'll respond in a certain way,

so whatever you do,

always treat Carol
in a certain way.

Thanks, Danny.

It'll pay off for you
in the end.

It's good to know.

Gee, isn't it something?

I'm married.

You're getting married.

Remember when all we used

to think about

was whether Susie Spivak's...

were real or not?

They were.

Ah, life was so simple then.

Everything was so easy.

At ,
you were gonna be a fireman,

and I was gonna be a dog.

That's right,

Big Alfred, the collie,

who lived down the block.

And then a year later,

I was gonna be the president,

and you were gonna take
Mickey Mantle's job

away from him.

You know, I'd still give
five years of my life

to have my face
on a baseball card.

"Dallas, Jodie.
Born: New York City.

"Bats left, throws right.

"Jodie once completed
four double plays in one game

wearing high heels."

[LAUGHING]

Well, it's time. You ready?

No.

Now I'm ready, little brother.

Hey, Alfred, come on, boy.

Come on, come on.

[WHISTLES]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

Hey, Jodie.
Hi, Billy.

Good luck.
Thanks.

Does this mean I don't get to go

to the Knick games
with you anymore?

Why would you ever think
a thing like that?

You won't have an extra ticket.

Relax. Carol
hates basketball.

That's great.
She's a terrific person.

I'm letting you off guard duty

tonight, private.

Just be sure she's
out of the barracks

by .

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

Maybe she's having
trouble with her gown.

I'll... I'll go see.
Okay.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Shouldn't she come out now?

Would you?

I wonder what's keeping her.

Common sense.

[WEDDING MARCH STARTS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[♪]

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Uh...

Excuse me, everybody,

but, uh...

It appears that there's not
gonna be a wedding today.

We seem to be missing a bride.

I'm sorry.

I mean...

you all came down here,

and you all got dressed up
and everything,

and, um... blew a Saturday,

and...

I wish
there was something I could do.

A flower girl
offered to marry me,

and her mother said no.

Listen, um...

You know what I think?

Uh...

Since we're all here anyway,

and, uh,
we sure could use a party...

Why don't we go
in the next room,

take the dolls off the cake,
and get blitzed.

What do you say?

Okay?

Will the kidnappers drop
Elaine off at the Campbells'

after Danny and Burt
make the drop?

Or will she have
to take the bus?

Can Eunice really be happy
living on a farm with Dutch?

Or will she miss Bloomingdale's?

If Detective Donohue
gets Chester,

will he be able to get Jessica,

or will she tell him
to get lost?

Where has Carol gone?

What will Jodie do?

And does this mean

he has to return
the wedding presents?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of...

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]