In the last episode of Soap,
Danny and Burt
got the ransom money,
and after the kidnappers get it,
hopefully, Elaine will get home.
Corinne has learned
she's five months pregnant,
which she doesn't get,
because she and Tim
only got married last month,
and no one got near her
before that.
Detective Donohue told Jessica
that although he loves her,
he'll get Chester back for her,
but then,
he'll get her away Chester.
Jodie thought
he was getting married
and got jilted instead.
Don't get it?
You will
after tonight's episode of...
This is the story
of two sisters,
Jessica Tate
and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates,
and these are the Campbells.
And this is... Soap.
[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]
Danny, $ , in a paper bag.
This is crazy.
Come on, now,
we'd better rehearse the drop.
You go sit down,
pretend you're us.
I'll pretend I'm them.
I don't have to pretend I'm us.
I am us.
Well, I'm some of us.
I'm part of us. I'm half of us.
Go sit down.
Well, we need another bag.
I brought a rehearsal bag.
Don't forget.
Make the switch.
[BOTH HUMMING]
Perfect.
Except one thing.
What?
You took the wrong bag.
You know, you are a real idiot.
No one likes you.
Dave likes me.
Oh, yeah? Then why do you think
he's making the switch,
and you're driving?
The minute he gets the money,
he's going to be
out the back door of the museum
and off to Acapulco without you.
You're nuts.
Here's your lunch.
What is it?
Pastrami.
I hate pastrami.
I hate you.
Can I have your pickle?
Buy your own pickle.
Ready?
A couple more pages.
Mel, we've got
about a half-hour
to get into the city
and switch the bags.
Let's go.
I want to make the switch.
Mel, get real.
You drive. I switch.
That's how we planned it.
I want to pick up the money.
Forget it.
I don't pick up
the money, I don't go.
Okay, that's it.
What are you doing?
Mel, the broad,
she's getting away.
Stop her.
Yo, lady.
Stop her.
[g*nsh*t]
Not that way.
Let's go get the money
and get out of here.
Mel, forget the pickle.
Want ads are so depressing.
Would you like some more coffee?
No, thanks,
I wonder if I could be
a securities analyst.
Would you like some toast?
No, thanks.
I wonder
what a securities analyst is.
Tim, how would you like a baby?
No, thanks.
Tim,
you didn't hear a word I said.
I'm sorry, honey,
I was looking for a job.
What is it?
I said,
how would you like a baby?
A baby?
Yeah.
I'd love a baby.
I really would, but later.
Not now, okay?
Well, I didn't mean
right this minute.
It takes a little while.
Honey, we'll have a baby.
We'll have lots of babies,
but later,
when... when I have a job,
and we have our own place.
That would be the time
to have a baby.
Now wouldn't be.
Now is.
What?
We're gonna have a baby.
We are?
We're pregnant?
Well, I am.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Sit down. Don't stand up.
How do you feel?
You shouldn't be drinking
coffee.
God, I'm so excited. A baby.
That's why you've been eating
like an animal.
It's a sign, honey.
A baby, our own baby.
Oh, boy, I can't wait.
You won't really have to.
A baby,
we're gonna have a baby.
There is just
a little something else.
What?
I'm... five months pregnant.
Five months?
Well, that would mean...
Corinne.
Tim, I didn't.
I swear it.
There was no one,
absolutely no one.
Corinne, what you're suggesting
only happened once before.
Do you mean tell me that...
What I mean to tell you
is that I've never been
unfaithful to you.
After Peter d*ed,
there was no one
until we were married.
I swear it, Tim.
You don't believe me.
How can I?
Because it's the truth.
If it were reversed,
if it was me...
Would you believe it?
No.
Tim,
what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Mary, Mary, we did it.
They got the money,
and the cops are following
the guy who picked it up.
Where's Elaine?
They say she'll be here
by : tonight.
Oh, thank God.
Did Jodie call?
Yeah, he sounded okay.
He said he might drop by later.
All right.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Bob and I
have been working on a new act.
We thought
you might like to see it.
Fellas, please, we're not
really in the mood now.
I just kind of needed
the practice.
I thought
maybe it might break the tension
around here.
The trick is I read minds.
Oh, come on.
No, it's true, come on,
Chuck, do your stuff.
Okay, okay, yeah.
All right, here we go.
Are you ready?
Ready.
Okay.
Danny, take something,
anything.
Hold it up in front of Bob.
Uh...
It's... round.
It's...
uh... glass.
It's an ash tray.
He's peeking.
He's gotta be peeking in there.
No, no, no, no,
I can't see a thing,
I swear, I swear.
All right, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
All right. Bob...
What's that?
Okay, okay, okay, I've got it.
It's...
It's... red.
It's round.
It's an apple.
This is amazing!
I don't believe this.
Do know what kind of a gold mine
we've got here?
Burt,
Chuck can see
what you're holding up.
But Bob can't.
[CHUCKLING]
Danny, don't you get it?
No.
How'd you do it?
We can't tell.
Oh, come on, tell me.
No, can't tell.
Tell me.
Hey, watch where you're going.
Come on, tell me.
I can't. I worked
for a long time on that.
Is there a trick involved?
I know, Burt.
I beg your pardon?
I know.
You know what?
I know about your affair.
I know.
Then you are having one?
No.
Burt, you've just admitted it.
I admitted to knowing
that you know,
but I didn't have any affair.
Okay, Burt...
the night you didn't come home,
the night you said
a plane landed on the highway...
If you are not having an affair,
where were you, really,
on that night?
I was...
at...
a woman's apartment.
Oh, I hate you.
Oh, so, what's this?
You can, and I can't?
Well, let me tell you
something, Mary.
What's good for the goose,
the gander can have
a hell of a good time
with too.
What are you talking about?
Goose?
I know.
What?
I know about you
and your professor.
What about me and my professor?
What about you
and your professor?
Let me put it this way, Mary.
Now I know why they call it
"adult" education.
You're crazy.
I saw you.
You saw what?
I came home early,
opened the door,
and I saw you and your professor
on the couch
going at it pretty good.
He att*cked me.
Yeah, you didn't see me,
because you were so busy.
I left, and I got drunk,
and I did the same thing
you did.
He att*cked me.
What?
He att*cked me,
and I threw him out.
That is what you walked in on,
you big dope.
An att*ck?
Yes.
Uh, not an affair, an att*ck?
Yes.
They look the same.
So you mean,
because of what you thought
you walked in on,
you went out
and slept with someone?
[CHUCKLING]
No.
No, I just said that
so you would tell me
that you were.
Burt, are you lying to me?
Oh...
Oh, Mary, I thought
you were having an affair.
I mean, you understand me?
I did it because I was hurt
and angry and drunk,
not because I wanted to.
Uh... who is she?
That's not important.
I want to know.
Mary, it's meaningless,
it's over.
Did you have a nice time?
I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't remember.
It was one night.
I don't even remember it,
and I never did it again,
so what difference does it make
who it was?
Is she skinny?
Come on, Mary.
I have to know that.
Is she skinny?
I don't know.
No, I think.
I don't think she was.
I think she wasn't.
In fact, I think she was obese.
In fact,
I think she was grotesque.
Is she young?
Come on, Mary, please.
She's mentioned something
about voting for Coolidge.
That's...
Mary, I'm sorry,
but when I thought about you
and your professor,
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to do that.
I wanted to die,
but I did that instead,
so it's not like
I really did it.
Maybe you didn't mean to do it,
but you did do it.
Only because I thought
you did it.
You could have asked.
Oh, sure, I could have come in,
pulled the two of you apart,
and said, "Pardon me,
are you doing it?"
Mary, please, I...
Look, Mary,
I only know one thing:
that what we have
is more important to me
than anything else in the world,
and to let it end
because of some dumb,
stupid mistake, Mary...
That's wrong. It's a waste.
Mary, please,
Mary, you've got to forgive me.
I'll try, Burt. I...
What can I say except I'll try?
I love you, Mary.
I really do.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
You want me to get that?
If you don't mind.
Afternoon.
Afternoon.
Detective Donohue.
Hello, Mrs. Tate.
No, thanks,
I'll just hold onto it.
You're very late.
Sorry I'm late,
but I was arrested.
Arrested?
Yeah. Oh, Benson,
could I get a scotch?
No.
Thank you...
Save my liver.
Arrested?
Yeah, I was walking down
East th Street,
saw a man about feet tall
with a bandage around his head.
I was sure it was your husband.
I called him to stop.
He started running,
I chased after him,
finally wrestled him
to the ground...
Turned out to be
the ambassador from India.
Detective Donohue...
You can call me George.
George?
That's my name, George.
Oh.
George,
this was not an easy decision
to make,
but I've decided to fire you.
Because I was late?
Boy, are you strict.
I'll be on time
tomorrow, I promise.
No, no, no, not because of that.
It's because of the way
I feel about you, huh?
Me and my big mouth.
I'd like to rip out my tongue.
Of course, then,
every time I'd talk,
I'd sound like an idiot.
No, it's because of how I feel.
Probably can't even eat
without a tongue.
I feel about you
the way you feel about me.
Of course, French kissing
would definitely be...
What?
What'd you say?
I'm afraid I feel
the same way you do.
Well, that's great.
No, it's terrible.
It's terrible?
Why is it terrible?
Because I'm married,
and I love my husband.
Well, I can understand.
I mean, I can understand that.
There's probably nothing
I can do.
Is there anything I can do?
Well, then...
some other time,
some other place,
some other world, whatever.
Wait.
What?
I just hate to see you leave.
Well,
it doesn't thrill me either.
I'm so confused.
Do you think that it's possible
for a woman to care for two men?
My mother did.
She did?
No, but I'll say anything
right now.
You see, I have one man here
that I care for,
who is actually here to look
for the other man I care for
who is not here,
and then, of course,
I mean, if you find him,
then I will have both men here
that I care for,
but I mean, if you leave,
then I won't have
either man here,
you see, that I care for.
You see?
Maybe.
I just don't know what to do.
I have a suggestion.
Un-fire you?
Right.
Okay.
I have another suggestion.
What?
How about a little kiss?
Oh, I don't think so.
Just a little peck on the cheek.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Just a little one.
Uh-uh.
A little peck on the cheek.
You won't feel a thing.
It'll be like a fly landing.
Okay.
Nope, nothing in your ear.
Benson, how about a Pepsi?
No, thanks.
Valuable man, Benson.
I wish there were
a million more like him.
There are.
Would you like
to stay for dinner?
Hey, that sounds like...
No, I don't think so.
I'll probably
just take the train,
go down to the city,
and get back on this case.
Say, are you sure about me?
Yes.
Okay.
Gonna find your husband.
See you.
See you.
I beg your pardon?
Sit down.
What for?
We've got to have a little talk.
About what?
About Mrs. Tate.
What about her?
What in the hell
do you think you're doing?
Doing?
Don't you think
she's been through enough
without having to deal with you?
I love her.
Right.
Hey, I don't have
to take this stuff
from you.
Yes, you do,
and let me tell you
something else
you've got to do.
What's that?
Watch out for me.
Because if you cause her
one moment of grief,
I'm coming after you, detective.
Now, let me tell you something.
That woman's smile
is the best thing
that's happened to me
in years,
and if you think for one moment
I'm gonna let
a little bit of grief
touch that smile,
you're crazy.
You still want that scotch?
Sure.
Good, make two.
I'll have one with you.
I hate waiting.
Me too.
So do I.
For anything.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It's her.
It's Elaine.
ALL: It's Jodie.
You're that happy to see me?
I'm sorry.
We were waiting for Elaine.
How are you?
I'm fine, fine.
I thought I'd come over
and wait with you.
You're okay?
Yeah.
You're sure?
Positive.
I'm a little depressed.
That's what I thought.
Hey, it's reasonable
to be depressed.
You just got jilted.
It's very depressing.
Of course it is.
Anyone would be
a little depressed.
I'd be devastated.
Actually,
I'm depressed and devastated.
That's normal.
I mean, this thing
has completely put me away, Ma.
I can't stand it.
I'm depressed and devastated.
So how you doing, Jodie?
You feeling okay?
Fine, fine.
Good.
Well, I'm glad to hear
you're feeling better.
Listen,
I... I changed
your room
into a sewing room,
but I'd love to change it back.
I mean, I never sew,
and every time I pass it,
it makes me feel guilty,
so why don't you move back in?
I know what you're thinking.
That I wouldn't have to sew.
It'd be wonderful.
I hate sewing.
I'm not gonna k*ll myself.
Did I say that?
Did you hear me say
anything about k*lling?
I mentioned sewing, not k*lling.
Ma, I'm gonna be okay.
I promise,
I'm not gonna k*ll myself.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Elaine.
I made it.
Elaine.
Oh, God, she's been sh*t.
I'll call an ambulance.
I made it.
I'm home.
Shh, don't talk, babe.
Save your strength.
I love you, Danny.
Do you know that I love you?
I know.
Do you really know?
Yes. Now, don't talk.
Please, rest.
You have made me so happy.
Shh, shh.
I had to get back to tell you.
I didn't want to die
without telling you.
You're not dying, Elaine,
you're not dying.
Do something, somebody,
please, do something!
I've called the ambulance.
They'll get here
as soon as they can.
Thank you, Burt.
It's all right, it's all right.
It's all right.
I love you, Elaine.
I love you. Do you know that?
Yes.
I've always loved you.
Not always.
Always, always.
Even when you called me "yutz."
Even then I loved you.
I never meant it.
I know.
I know, silly.
I know.
Don't be sad, Danny.
I don't want you to be sad.
Don't talk.
Please, Elaine,
save your strength,
save your strength.
Because it's all right.
It's all right.
I'm home.
You've got to save
your strength, Elaine.
Shh.
Shh.
Don't talk, don't talk.
I'll talk. Let me talk.
I love you.
I love you, and you're home now,
and you're gonna be fine.
I promise, Elaine,
you're gonna be fine,
you're gonna be just fine.
I am fine...
now.
You're gonna be fine, Elaine.
You've got to be.
You've got to be.
Please, please, please, be fine.
Elaine?
Elaine.
It's all right now, Elaine.
It's all right.
You're home.
[AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING]
Isn't it hard to believe
that Elaine is dead?
Does Mary really believe Burt
that it was one night
with an old fat lady?
Does Jessica believe
she can be in love with two men
at the same time?
What will Tim do
since he doesn't believe
Corinne?
Do you blame him
for not believing Corinne?
Would you believe Corinne?
These questions and many others
will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.
Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.
[♪]
02x13 - Episode 13
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Set in the fictional town of Dunn's River, Connecticut a nighttime parody of daytime soap operas, presented as a weekly half-hour prime time comedy.
Set in the fictional town of Dunn's River, Connecticut a nighttime parody of daytime soap operas, presented as a weekly half-hour prime time comedy.