02x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Elaine was sh*t, came home,

and d*ed.

Eunice and Dutch, on a farm,
must hide.

Burt told Mary he had an affair,

but only because
she had one too,

but Mary hadn't and told him so,

and now Burt doesn't know
what to do.

Burt and Mary talked,

and then Jessica thinks
she loves two men.

Confused? You don't know
what it's all about?

Stay tuned tonight,
and you'll find out.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is... Soap.

Burt, hi.

Oh, gosh,

it's so good to see you.

Oh, this is so nice.

I've hardly seen you at all
since the kidnapping.

Is Danny okay?

Um, yeah, no,
Danny is gonna be just fine.

Listen...
Poor Danny.

I didn't know whether to go
to the funeral or not.

I was so upset.

I wanted to pay my respects,

but I was afraid
it might upset you,

and you're upset enough already,

so as upset as I already was,
I didn't go...

Sal...

But I did send fruit.

Yeah, um, Sal...

Did you get the basket of fruit?

Yes, it was really very nice.

Oh, good.

We got some on our cereal.

Oh...

Sally...

Mary knows about it.

You mean, you didn't want her
to know about the fruit?

No, no, about us.
I told her about us.

Burt, how wonderful.

Have you moved out?
What?

Oh, look,
we could just stay at my place

until we find something bigger.

You know what I would love?

I would love a duplex.

I know, I know, I know,

you wind up paying
$ a month more for stairs,

but it's a fantasy...

Sally, please, not now.

She understood.

Well, good.

Sometimes,
wives can be such a problem.

No, no,
it was... it was all right.

What was all right?

What happened.

Well, I mean,
it wasn't really all right.

I mean, she wasn't thrilled
that I spent the night out,

but she understood.

So?

So it's...

You and me...

Finito.

What?

Finito.
That's Italian for "finished."

Listen, I'm sorry, Sally.
I feel terrible.

You feel terrible.

Yeah, well,
since I feel terrible,

you feel terrible,

I think it would be terrible

for us to see each other
every day

and just keep on
feeling terrible,

so what I think

is you shouldn't work for me
anymore,

and I can give you, like,
three months' pay.

Three months' pay?

Or four.
With four months' pay.

You think you can buy me

with four months' pay?

Um, um...

I'm not trying to buy you,
Sally.

It's just that it's gonna
take you time to find a new job.

Until then, you're gonna need
something to live on.

Forget it.

It won't do me any good
where I'm going.

Oh, yeah, sure, I mean,
if you go someplace like Japan,

it'll buy you, tops,
a cup of coffee, bowl of rice.

I mean,
it's terrible what's happened

to the American dollar,
isn't it?

All I need is enough
to buy a g*n and b*ll*ts.

g*n and b*ll*ts?

No, Sally, m*rder is no answer.

Don't worry, Burt, it's for me,

so I can go home
and blow my brains out.

Oh, phew.

No, Sally, no, not su1c1de.

You're not gonna try
to commit su1c1de?

I will.

If you don't leave Mary,

I'm gonna k*ll myself.

She's rehearsing for a play.

Sally, come on,
you can't be serious.

I am. I swear it.

I'm not somebody
you commit su1c1de over.

I'm not somebody
even to lose any sleep over.

I don't even need a g*n.

I'll hang myself.
I have a beam ceiling.

Sally, listen,
I hope you're not serious,

because I love Mary,
and I'm not gonna leave her,

but I don't want anything
to happen to you.

I'm gonna get you, Burt.

Some day, some way,
I'm gonna get you.

Hell of an actress.

She's...

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo..

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Oh, it's them.
They're here.

Oh, my God,
the place looks terrible.

Your mother's gonna hate me,
Eunice.

Oh, Dutch, relax.

You've swept the floor
nine times.

Oh, they're pulling
into the yard.

Hi, Ma!

She'll see dirt, put you
in the car, and take you home.

Oh, Dutch,
the place is beautiful.

She's gonna love it.

Look at this, a fly.

A fly...
probably d*ed from the dirt.

Eunice.

Eunice!
Oh, my baby.

Hi, Benson.
Hi.

Mrs. Tate, I know
you don't think

that this is very much...

Oh, Dutch, I think
it's charming.

Mr. Tate and I

once had a cabin
in the woods too.

Oh, it was wonderful.

Every morning,
the rooster would crow,

and the sun would shine
in our sleepy eyes,

and all the little animals

would come and bang on the door

for bits of food.

Oh, yes, the breeze blew

through the trees,

the bees buzzed,
the crickets chirped,

clear air,
cold mountain water...

We hated it.

But it was charming.

See, Dutch,
I told you she'd love it.

What is this?

Soup.

Who made it?
I did.

Get out of here.

Really, I did.

You mean, you actually cook?

Of course.

What's the big surprise?

Because the last time
you made dinner,

I missed a day of school,

Dad spent the night
in the bathroom,

Benson had dizzy spells,

and the dog d*ed.

Billy.

Eunice,
it's been a very long drive.

Where is the powder room?

Oh, Mother,
we don't have a powder room.

We have an outhouse
around the back.

Benson...

What is an outhouse?

[WHISPERING]

I think I can wait
till we get home.

[CAR APPROACHING]

What's that?

Oh, my God, it's the cops!

What are they doing here?

Gotta hide.

No, no, no, no, no,
not all of you. Just me.

There's a car outside.
He's gonna know somebody's here.

Go hide, Dutch.
We'll think of something.

Eunice, where are you going?

He hates to hide alone.

Benson, think of something.

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

You... You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

Afternoon.

Afternoon.

I saw the car out there.

Does that belong to you?

Uh... yes, yes.
Uh-huh.

What's your name?

Benson.

Who are you?

Mrs. Benson.

And I'm Billy Benson.

The Bensons.

Right. Right as rain.
The Benson clan.

So I take it...
you all live here, is that it?

Fine, fine, couldn't be better.

Yes, good country air.

Of course, I do miss
the Kiwanis Club picnics

from time to time, but...

then one must make sacrifices
for one's family,

mustn't one?

Yeah, I guess.

Son, where's my pipe?

Right here, Dad.

Thank you, son.
Here's a quarter.

What a dad.

What are you folks doing

out here
in the middle of nowhere?

Why, nothing.

What else would we do here

in the middle of nowhere?

[FORCED LAUGH]

You own this place, then, huh?

Yes, uh...

the doctor here works so hard,

we just had to have a place

to get away and relax.

Oh, you're a doctor?

Neurosurgeon.

Well,
I guess everything's in order.

Let me give you a tip.

Oh, no, you ain't got
to do nothing like that.

What I meant was...

You see, this place here
used to be the Lightner farm.

Dutch Lightner, he's a k*ller.

He escaped from prison.

I'd advise you

to keep your windows
and doors locked

at night.

He just might decide to return.

Oh, thank you, officer.

We certainly will do that,

won't we, dear?

Dear?

Sure thing, darling.

Well, I'd better be off.

Yes, it's been nice
having you up.

You expecting company?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just wondering why you had

the two extra place settings.

The twins.

Sure, the twins,
Candy and Randy.

Well, I don't see them.

They're in the outhouse.

Together?

Have to.

Siamese twins.

I see, I see.

Candy and Randy

will be sorry
to have missed you.

They're both hoping
someday to be a policeman.

Well...

some other time...

Now, you be sure
and keep this door locked,

you hear?

Yes, yes, pop in any time.

Yeah, yeah, all right,
perhaps I will.

Toodle-loo.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, you can come out now.

Boy, that was close.

Boy?

Uh...

Why don't we all
sit down and eat, huh?

I thought for sure he had us

with the extra
two place settings.

Oh, all of this lying
made me hungry.

Me too.

Hey, aren't we going
to wait for the twins?

Okay, a lump of butter...

Okay.

Now, watch out.

b*at the egg yolks.

I already b*at the egg yolks.

Well, do it again.
It's lumpy.

I hate it when it's lumpy.

Will you just read?
What's next?

Uh, two tablespoons
of lemon juice.

Elaine loved lemon juice.

Oh, boy.
There he goes again.

Come on, Bob. This
thing's starting to boil.

What next?

Okay. Stir in
the lemon juice

under low heat...

and continue cooking
until thick.

It was thick minutes ago.

What do we do now?

Throw it against the wall,
call me a taxi.

This is garbage you got here.

I can't eat this.

I used to love
to watch Elaine eat.

She ate like a princess.

She ate like Seattle Slew.

Chuck, get Bob out of here.

Well, come on, Danny.

I mean, Elaine's been dead
for two days.

I mean, come on.
You've got to get over it.

Enough is enough.

Life goes on.

Chuck...
Uh, let's eat out.

Good idea.

Yeah. You ruined
my breakfast.

He ruined my appetite.

You're a real downer, Danny.

Breakfast?

No, thanks.

Danny, you haven't eaten
since the funeral.

I know.

You've got to eat.

I keep asking myself why.

Why?

To keep up your strength.

No. Why Elaine?
Why her?

Danny, that question
has no answer.

We all ask it.

I mean, like,
when my son, Peter, d*ed,

I said, "Why him? Why Peter?"

When your father d*ed,
your mother said,

"Why him? Why Johnny?"

If it had been Mrs. Fogel
next door who had been sh*t,

right now Mr. Fogel
would be saying, "Why her?

Why Mrs. Fogel from next door?"

I saw Mr. Fogel this morning
throwing out the garbage,

and he said,
"Why her? Why Elaine?"

Then he asked me if I sh*t her.

Fogel's a jerk.

Why would he think
that you sh*t her?

Because he remembers
years ago

when I k*lled that bird
with my BB g*n.

That was an accident.

I know, I know,
but he's never forgotten it.

Every time he sees me, he says,

"What did you k*ll
today, Dan?"

When I pull out of that driveway
this morning,

I'm going to run over
his petunias.

Burt, you are not.

All right, so I'm not.

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe

I'm never going to see Elaine
again.

Oh, Danny,
there's no answer to any of it.

It just hurts a lot,

but eventually,
it'll hurt less and less.

I know you'll never forget her,

but someday, you'll be able
to think about her

without hurting.

It's just hard.

I know.

Hey, you know,

doing things
would help, you know.

I mean, keep your mind occupied.

Oh, you mean like work?

Work. Going out.
Seeing people.

Anything that gets you involved.

sh**ting BBs at Fogel...

You know what I'd like to do?

Name it. I'll do it with you
if you want some company.

You wouldn't want to do it.

Danny, please. You're looking
at a guy who'll do anything.

Come on, we'll do
anything you want.

I want to find them.

Let's go.
Thanks, Burt.

Hey, find who?

Who are we finding here?

Them, the guys
that k*lled Elaine.

That's what you
want to do today?

I thought it was going to
be something like bowling.

Danny, the police
are looking for them.

It's their job.

Ma, the police are looking
for a lot of people,

so how hard can they look?

No, forget it.
I want to do it myself.

All right,
then I'm going with you.

I'll keep you company.

It could be very lonely looking.

You sure?

Absolutely.

Great.
I'll get my jacket.

Sure.

Talk him out of it.

Mary, I can't.
Look at him.

Listen, don't worry.

We'll go out for the day,
look around.

We'll be lucky to find
a parking space,

let alone a k*ller.

Don't worry.

All right, but
please be careful.

All right.

A g*n? What
do we need a g*n for?

Burt, these guys are K*llers.

Oh, then give it to me.

Let me hold it.

Do you know how to handle a g*n?

Danny, please. Do I know
how to handle a g*n?

I was practically born
with a g*n in my hand.

My grandfather owned
the sh**ting gallery

on Coney Island.

Do I know how to handle a g*n?

I held a g*n
before I held a rattle.

[sh*t FIRES]

What happened?
I heard a sh*t.

A sh*t?

It's that toaster.

I put a piece of rye bread in,
came out like:

Better fix it.
You're going to k*ll somebody.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want me to get that?

Hi.

Hi.

Benson, I've got some bad news.

About Mr. Tate?

Yeah.

Is he...

Yeah.

When?

Yesterday morning.

Where are you going?

Well, I think
I'd better tell her.

I'll tell her.

It's better if I tell her.
I've known her for a long time.

Benson, I've had
a lot of practice doing this.

I've been doing it for years.
Let me tell her.

Mrs. Tate?

JESSICA: Whoo-hoo.

Now, break it to her gently.

Just trust me.

Yes, Benson?

Detective Donohue...

How nice to see you.

Mrs. Tate.

I was just going for a walk.

Oh, it's such a gorgeous day.

Would you like
to go with me, hmm?

Maybe we could have a picnic.

Mrs. Tate?
Hmm?

We found this.

It's Chester's.

Benson, look, you remember.

I gave it to Chester
for Christmas.

Oh, golly.

Look how it's falling apart.

Yes.

"Mock leather."

See, I didn't know

that that meant
it wasn't real leather.

Mrs. Tate...

I mean, after all,

a mock turtleneck sweater
is still a sweater, right?

Where did you get this?

A little boy.

A little boy?

The boy in the mud.

Mud?

Mud from the flood.

There was a flood?

Well, sure.
When the dam broke.

A dam broke?

From the weight of the bridge.

The bridge?

Well, the bridge collapsed

when the mountain fell on it.

A mountain fell down?
A whole mountain?

When the train blew up,
it jarred the mountain.

What train?

The train your husband
was k*lled on, Mrs. Tate.

Mr. Tate's dead.

Are you sure?

You know, sometimes,
these things don't always...

It was him.

He was seen hopping a boxcar.

We found his clothes
and that wallet.

It was him.

Are you all right?

Can I get you anything?

I don't know what.

Would you like to sit down?

Chester?

My Chester?

Chester's dead?

He was right.

Chester was right.

About what?

Oh, we...
we always used to argue,

you know,

about which one of us
would die first.

Chester always said to me,

"Jessica, I will be
the first one to die,

therefore, I suggest you learn
how to balance the checkbook."

He was right.

He went first.

Benson, I don't know anything

about balancing the checkbook.

I don't even know
where the checkbook is.

I'll teach you how
to balance the checkbook.

Chester...

How could Chester die?

There are so many things
he hasn't done yet.

I mean, how could Chester die?

Why don't you sit down?

No, Benson, I can't.

I mean, if I sat down now,
I'm afraid I would cry.

Do you want to be alone?

[SOBS] I am alone.

[TRAIN-CROSSING BELL
RINGING]

Oh...

Oh, God, my head.

Here, pal.

This'll fix you up.

What happened to my head?

You fell on it.

Oh...

Hoop-Dee-Ha?

What is Hoop-Dee-Ha?

An amusing domestic chablis.

Goes with anything.

[TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS]

Where am I?

Who are you?

Toledo. A hobo.

What am I doing in Toledo?

I've asked myself that
on numerous occasions.

I seem to remember
being on a train.

Right.

What happened?

I seen somebody toss you
out of a box car.

That's right.

My clothes...
he stole my clothes.

My new suit.

These are not my clothes.

My wallet...

Oh, all my money.

Yeah,
I never carry cash anymore.

Well, what happened to him?

Where's the train?

Poof.

Poof?

That was a $ suit.

Poof?

Wait a minute.
How do I know that?

I remember.

I remember.

Oh...

Oh, I remember.

I remember.
I remember.

That must've been some suit.

My watch...

he didn't take it.

Oh, I still have memory
and my watch

and my family.

Oh, yes, a wonderful family.

I... I must have
a family.

I'm sure... I'm sure of it.
I'm sure of it.

Oh, life...

Life, I love you.

Oh, life...
Life can be beautiful.

Life can also be a headache.

Ow.

[CHUCKLES]

[HUMMING]

Who am I?

Will Danny and Burt
find Elaine's kidnappers?

Will Dutch and Eunice find out

that the police found out
where they're hiding?

Will Burt find out
what Sally is up to?

Will Jessica ever find out
Chester is alive?

Will Chester find out who he is?

Find the answers to these
and many other questions

during the next episode
of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]