02x17 - Episode 17

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Tim left Corinne
because he doesn't believe her,

and Mary left Burt
because she believes Sally,

and Corinne left
for the hospital

because she believes
she's in labor.

Jodie met a girl named Alice

on a bridge

and found out
they have a lot in common.

They're both depressed and gay.

And Chester still doesn't know
who he is

and everyone still doesn't know
he's alive.

Confused?

You won't be after
tonight's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

INTERCOM: Dr. Essenbar,
admitting desk, please.

Well, I don't understand.

What is going on here?

It's been four hours.

Oh, Benson, labor can
take a long time.

When I had Billy,
I was in labor two days.

Oh, God, I remember that.
It was awful.

You're telling me?

And when I had Eunice,
it took hours,

which was no picnic.

I had the easiest
time with Corinne.

She's adopted.

Okay.

You get light, one sugar.

You get black, one sugar.

You get extra light, two sugars.

And you get
not so light, no sugar.

I get the extra light, no sugar.

There's just light, no sugar
and not so light, no sugar,

but there's no extra light,
no sugar.

I asked for Sweet'N Low
and this has sugar in it.

They didn't have Sweet'N Low.

Oh, they must have.
Did you even ask?

Yes, but it was a machine.
It didn't answer.

How could they
not have Sweet'N Low?

I could be a diabetic
and take one sip of this

and drop dead, for God's sake!

Aw.

Billy.

Look, they only had
a few buttons to push:

coffee, light, sugar,
and hot chocolate.

That was it.

They have hot chocolate?
I'll have hot chocolate!

Aw, come on.

And extra whipped cream.
No marshmallow.

I'll have extra marshmallow,
extra chocolate,

but no whipped cream.

I'll have extra chocolate,
extra marshmallow,

extra whipped cream,
and Sweet'N Low.

I'm on a diet!

Wait a minute.
I'll come with you.

I can't stand it here.

There's nothing to do
but pace and sit.

I loved being in labor.

Well, of course you did,
because you weren't in labor.

You were just walking around

and they dropped out.

They did not!

Mary, you had Jodie
at the movies

and stayed to see

the end of the picture.

We were on our way
to the movies.

I had Jodie in the car.

And they parked the car
and went in to see the movie.

I went to the hospital.

And Danny, I mean,
Danny was so easy,

you didn't even know
you had him.

She was talking to me
on the phone,

and she heard this crying.

Jessica!

JESSICA: Oh, goodie!
Hot chocolate!

Plain.

Plain hot chocolate,
no extra anything.

No Sweet'N Low?
No.

Benson, what's that?

Bouillon.

Smells good.

They have bouillon?

Oh, God.

Bouillon?

Going to have bouillon now?

What I want to know is,
where is Tim?

I could wring his neck!

Oh, he's in a cave, Benson.

A cave!

He should be in a cave-in.

Doesn't show up
for his baby's birth.

I want Dutch's baby.

Oh, sure.

One father's in a cave.
The other's in a cell.

Very nice.

Mrs. Tate?

Oh, yes.

Congratulations.
Corinne has had a boy.

Oh, how wonderful.

Of course,
I don't quite understand

how a five months' pregnancy
could result

in a perfectly normal
nine months' baby.

But I must say,

in all my years as a doctor,

this is the most gorgeous baby
I have ever seen.

Oh, doctor, that's very sweet
of you to say that.

Well, you know what babies
look like,

all blotchy,
with fuzz all over them,

pink and white and yellow...

really disgusting.

They look like little rats.

But not this one.

This one could be a movie star
right now.

Oh. May we see him?

Oh, certainly.
Right away.

The baby should have an agent.

Well, I'm afraid
she doesn't want to see you.

But why, Jess?

Why?

I don't understand.
What's going on here?

You know what it is.
Tell me.

Now, Burt, I can't tell you.

I swore!

She used to do the same thing

when we were in high school.

A boy would come to see her,

and she'd send me downstairs

to get rid of him.

And so, I would go down

and tell them that she had
some terrible disease.

And I'd give the diseases
the names of Italian food.

So I'd say to the guy,

"Well, I'm sorry,
you can't see Mary.

I mean, she's got
rigatoni marinara."

I'm not leaving
until I see Mary.

Burt. Burt...

You...

You know that you're stronger
than I am, hmm?

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you rushed at me...

pushed past me

all the way up to
Corinne's bedroom,

where Mary happens
to be staying,

I doubt seriously if I would
ever be able to stop you.

Yeah, but Jessica,
I don't want to hurt you.

[WHISPERING] Burt, you don't
have to do it for real.

What?

What? You know.

Oh, I got it.

All right, now,
stand back, Jess.

You're no match for me!

Why did you do that?

Well, I had to make
it look real.

[KNOCKING]

Mary.

[KNOCKING]

Come on, Mary.
I know you're in there.

Mary, come on. Mary!

Mary, uh, you open this door
or I'm gonna break it down.

Go away.

Mary, please! We have to talk.

We have to sit down face to face

and talk honestly.

Honestly?

You have the nerve
to say "honestly"?

A man with airplanes
and fat ladies

and -year-olds?

You get away from there.

Now, Mary, listen to me.
I'm gonna count to three.

Then you better stand back
because the wood's gonna fly.

Do you know what I'm saying
to you here?

One.

Two.

Two-and-a-half.

Oh...

[WHIMPERS]
Three! All right...

Burt, are you all right?

Yes.

You're sure you're all right?

Yes, yes. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

In that case...

Mary! Mary! Stop!

Mary, what are you...

Mary, why are you doing this?

Why am I doing this?
Yes.

Mary, please.
Mary, why are you doing this?

Take a guess!

Mary, please, now, listen to me.

Mary, now, listen to me.
Just tell me what I did.

What did I do?

What did you do?

[SHATTERING]

I ain't cleaning that.

No way am I gonna clean that.

[SHATTERING]

Oh.

The antique wash basin.

Benson, English Spode.

No, I think it was
the Dresden vase.

No, I think it was
the wash basin.

Dresden vase.
I can tell by the sound.

I dropped the other one
last week.

[CRASHING]

[SHATTERING]

[ARGUING, MORE SHATTERING]

You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

Now, Mary, just tell me...

in words, Mary...

what did I do?

What did you do?

I...

Mary, wait a minute.

Hey, please!

Excuse me.

Oh, Mary! Oh...

Mary, no, please. No.

Burt...

I... I know it's none
of my business, but...

Mary! No, no, no!

However...
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Burt, your secretary
came and told Mary

that you were
having an affair with her

and an -year-old,

and, uh, you know, naturally
Mary is a little upset.

Sally told you that?

I know you two
can, uh, work this out.

Perhaps you'd like
to talk about it on the lawn.

Excuse me.

Sally told you that?

Deny it and I'll k*ll you.

Who's denying? I'm not denying.

You admit it? It's true?

No.

Well, which is it, Burt?
This is not multiple choice.

It's partially true.

Which part?

The Sally part.

I hate you!

Mary. Listen to me.
It was just once...

That one time
that I told you about

that I don't remember.

Don't you remember?

You told me
about an old, fat woman.

Sally is not an old, fat woman.

She's a young, skinny woman.

I despise, loathe,
and detest you.

Damn it.

There's nothing left to throw!

Mary, Mary, now, listen to me.

Mary, Mary, hey, it's true.
I lied.

But in that particular case,

there was no reason
to tell the truth.

Don't you understand?

No.

But I'm sure Nixon would!

Mary, I was drunk,
and I didn't remember it,

and it meant nothing,
so why tell you it was Sally?

And the -year-old?

What ...
There's no -year-old.

Ah.

Uh, you don't believe that?

I mean, you have no reason
to believe me.

Right.

So what's this supposed to mean?

Well, I think it's obvious.

What do you mean,
that this is it?

Right.

What, we're finished?

Yes.

I didn't do it, Mary,
whatever you think I did.

I didn't do it.

Save your breath, Burt.

Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'm gonna go out,
and I'm gonna prove it to you.

I don't know how, but I will.

Hey, this is my whole life here.

I'm just not gonna let it die.

Clean up this mess.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, how wonderful.

You can cook?

Do I know how to cook?

Are you kidding?

Not really.
This is salad.

I didn't have to cook it.

It's raw.

Well, it looks wonderful.

You know, the secret
to a good salad

is in the tossing.

Really?

Yes. It's all
in the tossing.

My favorite thing, salad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's the damn oil...

makes everything so slippery.

Well, why don't I toss
what's left of the salad,

and you can serve
the rest of the dinner.

All right. Fine.

I'll just open this bottle
of Dom Perignon.

Fantastic year, .

It was for me too.

This is a little tricky.

[CORK BURSTS OFF]

Good God!

I don't know why they
bottle it like that!

That's dangerous as hell.

Oh, this is...
I'm really sorry.

You know, this is...

turning out awful.

It's because I haven't had
a woman here in so long.

What women have you had here?

Oh, none.

But you just said that you had.

Well, you can't exactly
call it as having someone here.

I mean, I...
I never entertained them.

I never even let them
use the bathroom.

Who were they?

Oh, circus women.

Gypsies, groupies.

Groupies?

Yeah.

I thought they hung around
with rock stars.

There are detective groupies.

Really?
Yeah.

They get a big thrill
out of hanging around

with a guy in danger
who carries a g*n.

You're buttering your sleeve.

I didn't know
that you carried a g*n.

Well, I just have one
around here for the groupies.

I wouldn't carry one.
They're dangerous.

This isn't going
too well, is it?

What?
Dinner.

Of course it is. It's lovely.

I don't know what to do next.

Why are you so nervous?

I'm trying to impress you.

Well, you don't have
to impress me, silly.

I already think
you're wonderful.

Ah, now, come on, you say that

to a man who threw salad
all over the room.

No, I do.
I think you're wonderful.

You make me laugh,

and you make me feel good,

and you make me very happy.

I make you happy?

Yes.

Then why don't we, uh...

What?

You know.

No. What?

Well, be together.

Well, we are together, silly.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Well,
what are you talking about?

Mating.

What?

Do I have to repeat that?

No.

I don't think so.

No.

Thank you.

Oh, sure, I understand.

I mean, forget I mentioned it.

I never said it.

It's the champagne.
One sip, and I'm a crazy man.

Now you're hurt.
No, don't be silly.

It's just something
I have to live with.

I don't turn you on.

You do.
I do?

How?

Well, what do you mean, how?

I don't know how.

Just exactly what do you mean?

Is it my face?

My body?

My animal magnetism?

It's your everything. You know.

It's the way you smile,

and how you walk,

and how you use your hands.

It's your eyes,

and, you know, the way
you look at me sometimes.

And... And it's your mouth.

I know what you mean
about my walk.

I've heard that before.

I love the way you move.

Kind of cat-like, huh?

Yeah...

What about my eyes?

Oh, they're sexy.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

My hands?

Sexy.

My mouth.

I don't remember.

You don't remember?
Mm-mm.

Here, uh, let me take
another look.

Come a little bit closer.

Did we get a puppy?

Uh, Jodie, walk on the paths.

Alice, is this
some kind of game?

I shampooed the rugs.

You know, you could've called.

Dinner's ruined.

Alice, you, uh,
moved the furniture.

I made a rack of lamb
to be ready two hours ago.

The lamb dried up.

We've got the rack for dinner.

Alice, why did you rearrange
the furniture?

Oh, I couldn't stand it.

The couch had no relationship
with the fireplace.

It didn't want one.

Stay on the paper!

Alice,
I am not a cocker spaniel.

I do not have to stay
on the paper.

Would you listen
to the thanks I get?

I spend the whole day
cooking dinner,

moving furniture,
painting the bathroom,

cleaning the...

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho.
You painted the bathroom?

Oh, it's gorgeous.

It's silver.

It's like going in a disco.

Look, uh, Alice, uh,

I don't think this
is gonna work out.

All right, I'll paint
the bathroom white.

No, it's not that, Alice.

You have been here
for three days,

and you have rearranged
everything.

I don't even recognize
my own apartment.

If I didn't see my name
on the door,

I would have thought I moved.

I'll paint it another color.

Alice, I hate another color.

I hate silver.
I hate white.

I hate racks of lamb.
I hate the couch here.

I hate clean rugs.

I like dirty rugs!

I'm sorry.

I'll leave.

I said, "I'll leave."

I'll go pack.

I'm packed!

Jodie, I'm sorry.

That's what happens
when you have a Jewish mother.

Eventually, you become one.

What a relief.

I've got my house back.

Hello, house! She's gone!

What a crazy girl.

She cooks, cleans, paints,
and straightens.

[LAUGHS]

Cooks, cleans, paints,
and straightens.

What am I, nuts?

Alice!

Alice!

[DOOR OPENING]

I'm returning your call.

Alice, I don't want you to go.

I really don't want you to go.

Hey, Jodie, it's okay.

I'm a big pain,

and if I were you,
I'd want me to go.

You know, after you left,

for three seconds,
I felt relieved,

but then... I missed you.

I mean, uh, I...
I like having you here, Alice,

and if you left,
I'd really miss you.

You see, I figured
if I did everything,

you'd think I was wonderful
and you'd want me to stay.

I think you're wonderful,
and I want you to stay.

Okay.

I'll unpack.

I'm unpacked.

You make me feel good.

I haven't felt this good
around someone in a long time.

And I haven't felt this good
around someone.

Okay. I'm gonna calm down.

I'm not gonna
lift a finger around here.

The whole place can go to pot.

Okay. When do we eat?

What? The lamb is a hockey puck.

Perfectly beautiful lamb.

Well, next time, call, huh?

Alice.

What, he can't pick up a phone?

I worry about you!

You got it, sugar.

Scramble two, Cookie.

Right.

Uh, then let me have a side,
down two with, and burn one.

Right. Midge-Ann?

Yeah.

I have no idea
what you just said.

Yo!
Yo, Buck.

Yo, pretty thing.

Yo, Buck.

Yo, fellers.

ALL: Yo.

Yo, Buck.

Cup of joe, will you, Midge-Ann?

Well, what'll it be, partner?

Oh, jack ham, loose and open,
roll the bowl,

no green, lots of red,
keep the low, let it ride.

[WHISPERS]

He's actually gonna eat that?

Yeah.

What you cackling about?

Oh, nothing.

Don't get all ruffled, partner.

You making a pass at my gal?

Uh, no.

Because if you do,

I'm gonna bite your nose off.

MIDGE-ANN: Buck,
what is the matter with you?

There's something about this guy

I don't like.

You don't seem
like no cook to me.

Ah-ah-ah, double negative.

"You don't seem like no,"

therefore I do seem
like a cook to you.

Do you see?

That did it.

[CRASH]

Cookie, let me have an apple pie

with cheddar on the plate.

Cookie?

Cheddar on the plate.

You big bully! You hurt him.

Cookie, say something to me.

Cheddar plate.

Ched... Che... Chester!

Chester Plate!

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Wait. It's coming back to me.

Chester...

Che...

Tate.

I'm Chester Tate!

From Connecticut.

I live in Connecticut.

I've gotta go home.

Oh, I'm Chester Tate
from Connecticut.

I have a loving wife
named Jessica,

and a fine young son
named Benson.

Well, it's a little murky,
but it's coming back.

Oh, Midge-Ann,
I'm so happy.

Oh, I'm glad, Cookie.

Oh, I guess I should
call you Chester.

Well, I'm on way to Connecticut.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Yo!

ALL: Yo!

Uh, which way is Connecticut?

What could be the reason

for Corinne giving birth
to a nine-month baby

after a five-month pregnancy?

Lousy addition?

Is something going to happen
with Donohue and Jessica?

And if it does,

will they eat dinner first?

How can Burt prove to Mary
that Sally lied

if Mary won't believe him
because he lied?

Now that Chester's
on his way home,

is Donohue on his way out?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of...
Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]