02x22 - Episode 22

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Tim came home to discover
that his baby was possessed.

He promised
to drive the devil away

or die trying.

Billy promised Benson

he would not allow himself
to be possessed by the Sunnys.

But he wouldn't mind
possessing Lisa.

Burt still can't
get anyone to believe

that he saw a flying saucer.

Jodie and Alice can't believe

that they're jealous
of each other's dates.

And as unbelievable
as it may sound,

they have decided
to date each other.

Danny believes

that he's getting closer
and closer

to tracking down
Elaine's kidnappers.

Jessica can't believe
how difficult it is

to choose between
the two men she loves.

Confused?

You won't be

after tonight's
episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[♪]

[SATANIC GROWLING]

[RUMBLING]

Oh, I can't take it!

I cannot stand any more of this.

This house, the noise, the dirt,
the phone doesn't even work!

I'm gonna go out of my mind.

How much longer
is this gonna take?

DEVIL:
Until you die!

Take your time. Take your time.

I wonder if my insurance
covers this?

Oh, I don't see why not,

if it covers "acts of God"...

This was the devil, Burt.

I'm sure I'd have
a terrific chance of collecting

if I told the insurance company
the devil did this.

Major, what are you doing?

I'm building a bunker, Colonel.

Why are you building a bunker?

Meaning no disrespect, sir,

but what in the hell
do you mean,

why am I building a bunker?

We don't need a bunker.

Are we pulling out?

Carry on, Major.

Right.

Did you ever think

that maybe it isn't the devil?

Who might it be, Burt,
a practical joker?

Aliens.

You mean Mexicans?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

People from another planet.
Visitors from out of space.

Burt, go read a comic book.

Hey, I'm trying to help,
you moron.

Help? With flying saucers?

You're at an exorcism,
not the planetarium, you idiot.

Boys...
Oh, yeah, oh, no, really?

I'm an idiot?

Oh, yeah, well, U.F.O.s
happen to be a scientific fact,

or you don't read the papers,
plastic puss?

Darling, please.

Oh, I love it.

Scientific facts

from the impotent,
invisible loon.

Yeah, well, I'd rather be a loon

than an embezzling,
lecherous k*ller.

Oh, I'm sure, around you,

the devil feels right at home.

Get out of here!
Get out of my house!

Hey, no, fine, hey, okay.

Mary...

Sorry, Jessica.
I wanted to help.

Good night, Corinne.
Good night, Eunice.

Good night, melonhead.

[BENSON SCREAMS]

[MENACING VOICE LAUGHS]

[BENSON BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Benson, what happened?

How was it up there?

How was it?

He's as fresh as a daisy.
Look at me.

You look terrible.

So do you.

Tim needs two more people
to help up there.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Forget it, I ain't getting that,

I ain't getting dinner,
and I ain't getting any younger.

Hi.

Oh, Jodie, come in.

I got a message on my service
to come right over.

What happened
to your living room?

Did Benson quit?

No, Jodie.

It's the baby.

He's possessed.

[SNICKERS]

Come on, there's no such thing.

It's only in the movies.

Possessed! It's ridiculous.

[MENACING VOICE LAUGHING]

Look at the little fruitfly.

DEVIL:
You are doomed!

You are all doomed!

Nothing you do
will diminish my power,

for I am the Prince of Darkness!

The power of evil!

Accept me or die!

Come on, Chester.

We have to go help Tim.

Did the devil
make Chester disappear?

No, fear made Chester disappear.

Mary?

Uh, excuse me, uh...

while you're up there,

would you apologize for me

and ask him
to put me down gently?

Look at you.

Hello, darling.

What happened?

Nothing really.

What were you doing up there?

Oh, visiting.

It's going along fine, Corinne.
Really.

I think the devil is weakening.

I think he's going
to leave soon.

I know it.

You're lying.
I'm going up there.

Corinne, not now.
Sit down.

You promised Tim.

Wait until he's gone,

and Benson vacuums up.

Who's up there with Tim now?

Jodie.

He's here because of me,
you know.

Jodie?

No, the devil.
He's here because of me.

Don't be silly, Corinne.
The devil doesn't even know you.

No, it's all my fault.

He's here because of me.

Because I've slept
with everyone in town.

Oh, Corinne, please.

First of all,

you did not sleep
with everyone in town.

Yes, I did.

Oh, please.

Did you sleep with the mayor?

Yeah.

You slept with the mayor?
You slept with the mayor?

Oh, my goodness, the mayor!

I voted for him.

I told you not to vote for him.

I told you to vote for Swanson.

I slept with him too.

You did?

Believe me, the best man won.

Corinne!

The only reason
I slept around so much

was because I was so frustrated.

I guess.

No, I was frustrated
because I couldn't have Tim.

I was young.

I was unhappy.

I didn't know what I was doing.

And now I'm being punished.

Well, I don't think
it's your fault,

no matter how much
you slept around.

I think it's my fault.

Did you sleep with the D.A.?

I'm not sure.

Well, the devil is not here
because of you.

He's here because of me,

because I had two affairs
while I was married.

One with Detective Donohue
and one with Peter,

but, I mean,
it wasn't outright adultery,

because when I was
with Detective Donohue,

I thought Chester was dead,

and when I was with Peter,
he might as well have been.

[SIGHS]

It's because of me
the devil is here.

No, Ma. It is not.

It is because of me!

Please, it is not because
of either of you.

It couldn't possibly be,

because you're two

of the dearest people I know.

You're good, kind, loving women

who have never had
an evil thought

or done a malicious thing.

The devil isn't here
because of you.

He's here in spite of you.

Thanks, Aunt Mary.

Did you sleep
with the fire chief?

Well, almost,
but he had to rush off.

[KEY TURNING IN LOCK]

All right, you pig!

Now you're gonna die!

You must be looking for Mel.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you?

No, it's all right. Who are you?

Who are you?

I asked you first.

Yeah, but I'm the one
that's got the g*n.

Oh, good point.
Millie.

All right, Millie, where's Mel?

Well, he should be here shortly.
Why?

I'm gonna k*ll him.

He's in Bolivia.

I thought you just said
he should be here shortly.

No, I said,
"He should be here, shorty."

But as you can see, he's not.
He's in Bolivia. Sinuses.

I'll wait.

Sit down.

What do you want
to k*ll him for?

Because he k*lled my wife.

Oh, he didn't mean to k*ll her,
Mr. Horowitz.

Please believe me.

Horowitz?

No?

Dallas.

Oh, that wife!

Oh, he didn't mean
to k*ll her, either.

I swear it.

[KEY TURNS IN LOCK]

Hiya, baby.

Oh, Mel!

Who are you?

I'm the guy
whose wife you k*lled.

Mr. Horowitz?

No, no, the other one.

Oh...

All right, sucker,
how do you want it?

In the back?

Or maybe you want to watch?

Oh, God, please,
don't k*ll me, Please.

I didn't mean to k*ll her.
I didn't mean it.

Please, dear God, have pity.

No!

God, I'm dying. I'm dying.

Ooh! Ah!

He sh*t the chair, Mel!

I can't k*ll you.

I don't believe it, but I can't.

Oh, thank you. Thank you!

Oh, thank you.

Millie?

Millie?

Hey, M... Yo, Millie!

I can't k*ll you

because that would mean
I'm no different than you are.

And I am.

But you're going to jail, buddy,
for the rest of your life.

And if,
by some miscarriage of justice,

one of these bleeding heart
parole boards sets you free,

I'll see you again.

You, give me the phone.

Okay.

Here!

Nice work, baby.

Now what do we do?

k*ll him.

It was very nice of you

to invite me to tea,
Reverend Sung.

I feel honored.

Billy, we just want you to know

that we're extremely pleased
with your progress.

Thank you, Reverend.

Lisa, is this mint tea?

No, Reverend Sung.

I hate mint tea.

This isn't mint tea.

This isn't mint tea, what?

This isn't mint tea, father.

I love all things,
except I hate mint tea.

I see.

Billy, I feel that you're ready
for your indoctrination.

Oh?

For three days and three nights,

you'll be intensely trained
by our staff.

Sort of like a crash course,
is that it?

Oh, no. No. By the end
of your drilling period,

your mind will
be finely disciplined

to accept and to send forward
the edicts of the church.

Are we talking mind control?

Oh, Billy...

Or is brainwashing
a better word?

Brainwashing?
Brainwashing?

Do you think I actually
wash people's brains?

Well, I mean, it sounded
like you were saying...

Cleansing, maybe.

The cleansing of the mind

leads to a purification
of the body.

And then you'll be free

to accept
Reverend Sung's doctrines.

Is your name Reverend Sung?

I beg your pardon, father.

I believe Billy
was talking to me.

I'm very sorry.

Fifty crutayas, Lisa.

Crutaya, crutaya...

To yourself, Lisa.

Well, thanks again for the tea.

I'd better be going.

Going?

Oh, yeah, it's nearly : .
We eat at : .

"We"?

Yeah, me and my family.

We are all your family now,
Billy.

I know. I mean my real family,
my mother and my father.

I am your father.

Right. Well, uh...

See you around, dad.

I'm afraid you're just not ready

to deal with outside influences
yet, Billy.

I thought you liked
being with us?

You. I like being with you.

Don't worry, Billy.

After your indoctrination,
you won't want to leave us.

Look, you're wasting your time
with my mind.

I have a very strong will.

I can't be brainwashed. Really.

Many have tried
and all have failed.

See?

Don't touch me.

I can't stand that.

There are two things
I can't stand...

touching and mint tea.

All right. Okay.

I didn't want to say it,
but you give me no choice.

I'm from the CIA.

And if I don't check in tonight,

this place is going to be
swarming with Feds.

You've been warned.

Take it or leave it.

I guess you're leaving it.

Wait, wait, wait...
hi-yah!

Wait, I have a better idea...
count to real slow.

Wait! Wait!

I exorcise thee, ruler of hell,
to leave the body of this child!

[MENACING GROWLING]

Lord, hear our prayer.

ALL: Lord, hear our prayer.

I beseech and command you,
most wicked dragon,

to depart from this house.

Lord, hear our prayer.

The almighty will burn up
my enemies on every side.

We expel thee!

Lord, hear our prayer.

The almighty approaches quickly

and his enemies
will be destroyed.

I exclude thee!

[MENACING VOICE GROWLS, LAUGHS]

The strength of my words

are greater
than the fire of your hate!

Tim!

DEVIL:
Who's next?

It's all right.

He landed in the swimming pool.

Accept me now.

Do not resist any longer,
because you cannot succeed.

Your soul is mine for eternity!

I have won.

Give up and come to me.

[HISSES]

We will never give up, never!

There is not a man or a spirit
in this world or any other

that will break my family.

We've lived through too much
in our lives already

to give it all up to you.

We've lived through sorrow
and separation,

and death and destruction,

and we're still together
because we love each other

and love
is what holds us together.

So if you intend to stay,
we will fight you to the end,

and let me tell you,
we will fight,

and with God's help,
you will never have us.

And you will never
have this baby!

Never!

You have come
to the wrong house!

[MENACING VOICE GROWLS]

[ROARING]

[MENACING VOICE SUBSIDES]

[BABY CRIES]

Yes, darling...

Oh, darling.

Ma?

Corinne... your son.

Jessica...

why is Donohue coming here?

Because I want to talk to
the two of you together.

About what?

Well, I'm going to tell you that
when he gets here.

You're going to choose!

That's it,

you're choosing one of us,
aren't you, Jessica?

You're going to choose!
Oh, choose me, Jess!

Please, please, please!

Chester, pull yourself together.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hi.
Hi.

Mr. Donohue.

Mr. Tate.

How are you?

Fine, and you?

Fine, and you?

Fine. And you?

Boys, boys,

I know this has been
a very difficult thing

for both of you,

and I am sorry,

but I just haven't
known what to do.

Well, frankly,

if Mr. Donohue here
would just bow out gracefully,

all your troubles would be over.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tate.
I couldn't possibly do that.

I realize you don't want to,
and I fully understand, old boy,

but you see, Jessica and I
have many years together.

We have an entire history.

I know that, Mr. Tate.

I know that, but you see,
Jessica and I have

a relationship
of uncharted territory.

We have nothing
but newness together.

You're short!

You're overweight!

You have no money.

Money's all you have.

All you have is nothing!

And you have less.

Which is more than you.

Boys, boys, boys.

Now stop it, Chester.
Shame on you.

Well, Mr. Donohue,

it seems we've
reached an impasse.

I'm afraid, Mr. Tate,
you're right.

A draw, Mr. Donohue.

Stalemate, Mr. Tate.

You're a wimp.

You're a womanizer.

Shrimp!
Butterball!

Please, boys,
stop it this second!

If this
were a hundred years ago,

one of us would strike the other
with his glove

and we would fight a duel.

I know, but we're not
wearing gloves.

I say we duel.

All right, I'm game.

Do you fence?

No.
Too bad.

I was Florida state champion.

I say we duel with pistols.

Can you sh**t?

No.
Too bad.

I won medals.

Swords.
Pistols.

Peanut!
Fatso!

Bedbug!
Porkbelly!

Boys!

Now stop it immediately!

Stop it.

Now, there will be
no more of this.

There will be no fighting,
no duels, nothing.

You both seem to forget
something very important.

I mean, you may fight,

you may maim each other,
you may k*ll one another.

But I make the decision.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Well, I don't think it's fair.

I mean, he lives here.

He can be scoring points
with you every day.

I want equal time.

What do you suggest?
You move in?

Or you move out.

You can stay at my place.

I have a studio couch
in the living room.

Now, that won't be necessary.

Boys, please.

Sit down on the couch. Please.

Stop it, Chester. Chester...

Now...

I want you to know

that I really never meant
to hurt either of you.

I... I love you both.

But it seems that in order
to be with the man I love,

I have to hurt
the other man I love.

And so I just don't know
what else to do.

Does this mean
you've made a decision?

Yes.

I have.

I don't know...
maybe I never saw a spaceship.

I mean, I've been here, what?
Eight hours now.

Nothing.

Except... I mean, why come again
to the same spot?

I mean, why land here again?

An empty field in Connecticut?

They could land in... Paris.

See a few girls.

[SIGHS]

I probably never saw it.

It was probably
just my imagination.

Just...

Oh, God.

Oh, what if I'm getting crazy
again?

I'm talking to myself here.

That's a sign.

I'm not... I'm not.

Well, I thought...

Come on. I'm not crazy.

I mean, if I was crazy,
I wouldn't think I was crazy,

so I'm not crazy.

I might not be crazy,

but waiting around here
for a spaceship

is definitely not sane.

Oh, God, what's the matter
with me?

What's the matter with me?

What's the matter
with this whole family?

I mean, all right, I mean,

I'm here waiting
for visitors from Mars.

They're all home performing
an exorcism on my nephew

because he's possessed.

It's a... it's a nice group.

My brother-in-law,
hey, he murders my son,

loses his memory, disappears,
is reported dead,

he comes to life.

Billy's with the Sunnys.

Eunice loves a k*ller.

Danny's wife gets kidnapped
and k*lled,

and now he's out
looking for the K*llers.

And Jodie, poor Jodie,
gets jilted,

ends up, he moves in
with a girl... she's gay.

And Mary...

I almost lose Mary for good.

If I lose my mind,

I'm definitely
going to lose her.

[SIGHS]

What a life.

What else could possibly
happen to me?

[RUMBLING]

[♪]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Now that the devil is gone,

what's going to happen
to Tim and Corinne's marriage?

Now that Jodie and Alice
are dating,

what's going to happen
to their relationship?

Will Dutch
ever get out of prison?

Will Eunice wait for him?

What's going to happen to Billy?

Will the Sunnys
take over his mind?

Who will Jessica choose,
Chester or Detective Donohue?

What's going to happen to Danny?

What happened to Burt?

These questions,
and many others,

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]