03x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Burt was being held c*ptive
by some aliens,

and a fake Burt was sent down
to the Campbell household.

The only difference

between the real Burt
and the fake Burt is,

the fake Burt
hasn't held a woman

in years,

so while the real Burt
is being held c*ptive,

the fake Burt is holding Mary.

Benson told the Tates

that the Soonies
are holding Billy

against his will.

The Major held a meeting

with Donohue, Chester,
and Benson,

and they are
going to try to rescue him.

Mrs. David arrived from Texas
with Jodie's baby,

and now that he'd held her,
he never wants to let her go.

Confused? Hold on.

You won't be after this episode
of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

[LOUD CRASHING]

[♪]

We begin this episode of Soap

the morning after
Fake Burt's arrival.

[FALSETTO] I need this?

I don't have enough strain

with that paternity suit?

I need to stay up all night?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Bob, Burt and Mary

haven't even seen each other

in days.

They miss each other.

They're animals.

What the hell

were you doing last night?

All my pictures
fell off the wall.

Look at her,
grinning like an idiot.

Can you believe this?

What is he on?
Some kind of dr*gs?

What do you want for breakfast?

You.

Oh, I'm going to vomit.

Breakfast?

[GASPING]

The usual.
I'll have the usual.

But you eat something different
every day.

Oh. Uh...

That's what I mean.

I'll have a little bit
of everything.

Hi.

Pervert.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

You know something?

You remind me of my brother.

You don't have a brother.

Oh, uh...

Well, no,
I meant my fraternity brother.

He reminds me
of my fraternity brother.

[CHUCKLES]

You were in a fraternity?

Oh, yeah, sure.

All the popular guys were.

Mm-hmm.

But you didn't go to college.

Well, it wasn't
a college fraternity.

It was a construction
fraternity.

[TOAST POPS]

Good God, what is that?

The toaster.

Right.

The toaster.
Makes hot, dry bread.

JESSICA:
Yoo-hoo! Mary!

Hi, Jessie.

Oh, Burt! You're home!
How wonderful!

Oh, Burt.

We were so worried
about you, Burt.

Oh...

Welcome home, Burt.

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

Oh-ho-ho.
Hubba, hubba.

Tell me about it.

So what's happening with Billy?

Have you heard anything?

No, not yet.

They're all hiding out
as Negroes

until it gets dark.

And Chester, by the way,
looks wonderful as a n*gro.

It... It goes so well
with his hair.

It's a wonder
she doesn't tip over.

She can fall on me any time.

[HOOTING]

He's a cute little guy.

Yes, he is.

Uh, have you heard from Danny?

Danny?

Mm.

My stepson
from my wife's first marriage.

Oh, yeah.

No, but I have to assume
he's okay.

I mean, we checked
with the police,

the hospitals, and the morgue.

Uh, Mary,
uh, do you have any plans

for after breakfast?

Yes.

Do they include getting naked?

No, they don't.

Come on, just a little bit,
come on.

Stop it...

MARY: Burt, go to work.

Okay, I'm going,
I'm going, but, uh...

get some rest.

I'm coming home for lunch.

Mm.

Bye, Burt.

Bye, Jess.

[WHOOPING]

My goodness.

Burt's very... exuberant
this morning.

Jessica, I don't know
what's come over him.

What do you mean?

Uh...

he is a completely
different lover.

We have been up all night long.

Well, Mary,
you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him drink.

No, Jessie,
I mean he has become incredible.

Mm?

Oh, Burt was always
a nice lover.

Pleasant. Reliable.

Sort of like Old Faithful
in Yellowstone National Park.

You know when it's gonna be.
You know what it's gonna to be.

You know how long it's gonna be,

and sometimes you wonder
what the big attraction is.

I know.

That's why I never went there.

That, and the bears.

Were there bears there, Mary,
when you went there?

I never went there, Jessica.

Really?

Because you seem to know
so much about it.

Well, I would love to stay
and hear all about Yosemite,

but I'm just so nervous
about the rescue.

I think I'd feel better
if I were at home waiting.

Would you like to come over
later today and visit?

Oh, not today.

I've got to get some sleep.

Burt's coming home for lunch.

Maybe tomorrow.

Yes, then you can tell me
all about your trip.

Bye.

Let's try it again, Billy.

Sleep.

No, Billy.
No sleep. Not yet.

You must first tell us
who is lord and master.

Who is lord and master, Billy?

It's Reverend Sun,
isn't it, Billy?

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[YELLS]

Now, Billy,

we don't want
to have to give you

any more electrical shock.

So just tell us,
who is lord and master?

Billy... who?

Reverend Sun is lord and master.

Ah.

He's cleared.

This is wonderful.

Very good, Billy.

Reverend Sun...
Very, very good.

Is lord and master.

We'll come back
for a visit tomorrow.

Reverend Sun...

In the meantime, sleep.

Reverend Sun is lord and master.

Come, Roger.

Reverend Sun is lord and master.

Good night, Billy.

Reverend Sun is lord and master.

Reverend Sun...

[RASPBERRY]

See that?

She's smiling.

Why is she smiling?

Gas.

That's what you said last time.

Last time was eight seconds ago.

You mean, every time she smiles
it's because she has gas?

Now, look at that.

She's smiling right at me.

That's not a smile for gas.

That's a smile for Daddy.

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

She's frowning.
Why is she frowning?

Gas again.

[LAUGHS FLIGHTILY]

Now what's the matter?

What do you mean?

Well, she's not doing anything,

just lying with her eyes closed.

I think they call that
"sleeping."

She went.

That's not normal.
I'm calling a doctor.

She went.

Jodie, honey, babies go.

But she went an hour ago.

Jodie's,
she's just a little baby.

All right, I'll change her.

Oh, no, let me do it.

Oh, please.
I want to do it.

Alice,
I want to do it. Please.

Oh, you'll be late for work.

Let me do it.

Come here, little Wendy.
Come here, little girl.

Yes. Oh, yes.

[CRYING]

Bye, Daddy. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I guess I'm being, uh...

a little overprotective.

Oh, I think it's beautiful.

You're a wonderful father.

You're a wonderful grandmother
for bringing Wendy to see me.

Thank you, Mrs. David,
and please, thank Carol for me.

Actually,
Carol had nothing to do with it.

She doesn't even know
we're here.

What are you talking about?

Carol's gone.

She ran off with a cowboy.

Actually,
he's not a real cowboy.

He just dresses like one.

Carol doesn't want the baby?

But I know you do.

That's what I came here
to find out.

You're going to let me have her?

It depends.

What are you talking about?

Jodie, I hate to say this...

It's because I'm gay.

No, Lord sakes,
you're the father.

I like you.

Then what is it?

Alice.

Alice.

Look,
I know what you're thinking.

If I can accept you,
I can accept her.

I mean, I know it's silly.

What's another h*m*,
more or less?

But Jodie, I just can't help it.

One h*m*, fine,

but two h*m*,
that's just one h*m* too many.

Mrs. David, excuse me,
but this is my home,

and Alice is my friend.

Now, I am very grateful to you
for bringing Wendy to see me,

but seeing as how Carol
abandoned her,

she is now
my legal responsibility.

But Jodie, if you insist
on having Alice stay here,

I'm going to have to
take the baby back to Texas

with me.

I'll take you to court.

You'll lose.
No, I won't.

Two h*m*
bringing up a little baby?

You won't stand a chance

in court.

Oh.

Jodie, I'm sorry.
I don't want to hurt you.

I...

I don't want to keep you
from your daughter.

But I'm her grandmother,
and I can't help the way I feel.

You're asking me to choose

between my best friend
and my child.

If you love your child,
the choice is easy.

Wait up. Slow down.

Your steps are too big.

Get yourself
a pair of legs, pal.

All right, through that door.

Hey, come on, guys...

[DOOR WHOOSHES]

Come on, listen, I can't...

Listen, you don't understand.

My wife, she really gets
very upset...

Hey, pal... Hey!

I'm entitled

to one phone call, you know.

The bunk on the bottom
belongs to me.

Fine.

Also, the front of the closet
belongs to me.

Good, right.
And in the morning,

I'm the first one
in the bathroom.

I don't care.

I'm Saul.

Burt.

How long you been here?

years.

You're looking good.

I never eat salty foods.

Yeah, no, I...

How... How long
have you been here?

years.

Hey, uh, but Saul?
Hey, Saul...

I swear.

Listen, when they captured you,

they didn't tell you

they're going to
let you go soon?

Yeah.

They have no concept of time.

They say, "Wait a second,"

two, three centuries whiz by,
vwoop.

Fortunately,
no one gets older here.

No one gets old...?
What do you mean,

"No one gets older here"?

Look... Look at me.
Look at me.

I'm years old.

What do you think I owe it to?

A terrific moisturizer?

I don't understand.

What do they want us for?

What were you doing
when they captured you?

I was a writer.

I was collaborating
on the Bible.

The Bible?

Exodus.

Oh, wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

You didn't write Exodus.

Oh, hey, I saw Exodus.

Otto Preminger wrote it.

Okay? No, listen.

It was... It was
Eva Marie Saint and Sal Mineo.

What are you talking about,
"Sal Mineo"?

I'm talking about Exodus.

The real McCoy.

Moses.

Moses?

Yeah, Moses.

Oh, right, well...

Listen, uh, Saul, excuse me,
but I've got to get going,

because my wife's
going to be worried sick.

Your wife?

I told my wife
I was going out for some camels.

That was years ago.

Oh, yeah, sure. Excuse me, Saul.

Uh, you guys have

anything in the way
of a single room?

Come over here.
Come on.

You think I'm crazy.

Oh-hoo! No. Come on.

Uh, you're perfectly sane.

A -year-old man
who knew Moses.

I didn't know Moses.

My wife was two years behind him
in school.

This is terrific.

I'm in outer space
with a lunatic.

[MIMICKING]
"Da, da, da, lunatic."

Listen, listen, Burt.

Although I am known

for my delightful
sense of humor,

this is no joke.

They captured me
just like they captured you.

I am not a lunatic.

They are a very advanced people.

You saw how they beamed you up.

Well, they abolished aging.

Sometimes
I wish I was a lunatic,

and then this wouldn't be real,

and we would stand a chance.

Yeah, well, I'm not
staying here, pal.

I'm going to escape.

Burt, I've been trying to escape
for years.

No one
has ever gotten away from here.

No one, ever.

You might as well relax, Burt.

You're here to stay.

Forever.

You've got
five minutes. Dutch!

No physical contact,

no loud or rude behavior,

and no eating.

I could have just phoned.

Fine. No rudeness. Thank you.

He's gone.

Honey, this place
is a slime pit.

That matron searches you

like you've got an arsenal
in your pantyhose.

Dirty screws!

Eunice. Please.
Honey. Come on.

We only got five minutes.

Give me your handbag.

What?
Come on, give it to me.

I come to visit you,

and you're holding me up?

Lipstick, rouge,
eye crap. Great.

That's everything I need.

Stepping out tonight?

Come on, Eunice,
quit clowning around.

Help me get into this stuff.

Dutch, is there
something about you

that I should know?

What?

Oh, you guys,
you're doing a play.

Little Women, right?
What?

Zip me up, will you, darling?

Oh, honey,

I know it's lonely
here in prison,

but really, this is too much.

The tights, the tights.

Why didn't you
just shave your legs?

Are you kidding?

I get razor burn.
It stings like hell.

Dutch, what are you doing?

Eunice, I don't have time.

I'm escaping.

You're escaping?

I've been planning this
for weeks.

What, are you crazy?

You can't escape.
I got you a release.

Huh?

A release.
I got you a release.

The D.A. says
you can be on the street

in two weeks,

if you just cooperate.

And may I say

that those shoes
with that handbag

are out of the question.

A release?

A release.

All you have to do
is sign a statement

saying
you'll turn state's evidence.

Honey, this is horrible.

Couldn't they get you

something in a solid color?

Eunice, this was planted here
by a guy named "Knuckles."

What do you expect?

And you can forget about
that state's evidence stuff.

I ain't no stool pigeon.

Here. Give me those earrings.

This is crazy.

Why can't you just cooperate
with the authorities?

Eunice, what kind of a man
do you think I am?

We got a code in prison, Eunice,

and the code says,

"A man doesn't fink
on his fellow inmates."

A code?

You're choosing some stupid code
over me?

You're willing to blow

any chance we have
of being together for a code?

Honey,
this could be my last chance.

Your last chance?
What about me?

It could be my last chance.

Dutch,
let me tell you something...

Honey, I don't have time.

Listen to me.

Dutch, all my life,

I lived in my sister's shadow.

She was always
the beautiful one,

always the talented one.

She got the ballet lessons,
and I got her hand-me-downs.

She was the apple
of everybody's eye

until you came along.

You made me feel

like I was somebody special.

Like I was important
and wonderful.

You were the first one

to look at Eunice Tate
and say...

"I love her... for what she is."

Don't you see, honey?

You are my last chance,
and I love you so much.

Gee, honey, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Well, I never
told anyone before.

I guess that's just how it is
when you're the little sister.

Well, yeah, I guess, only...

Only what?

You're not the little sister.
Corrine is.

Well, so what?
It makes a better story.

The point is, darling,
I love you.

I love you too.

Oh, my God.

[WHISPERING]
Phase one accomplished.

We made it.
The diversion worked.

I don't believe it.

Incredible.

We must have scaled that wall
in seconds.

I've got to hand it to you,
major.

Nice work, sir.

Thank you, Bentley.

Benson.

It's unbelievable.
It's absolutely unbelievable.

[LOUDLY]
In-freaking-credible!

We've done great so far.
Let's not blow it.

If they catch us now,
we're sunk.

Sunk?

What do you mean, "sunk"?

Sunk.
The big sleep.

Game time.
No extra point.

Good night, Irene.
Good night.

Shut up, you little twerp.

God, how I hate you.

Insect.

Lardo.

Hey, stop, stop it, stop it.

Somebody's coming.

I can't get up.

This one's mine.

Yours is the little one.

There is no little one,
you moron.

They're all the same size.

[MONOTONE CHANTING]

That was close.

Now, we've got to keep ourselves
very carefully hidden,

or we'll get caught.

No, we won't.

Just hide behind
pork belly here.

Benson, will you
tell him to shut up?

Shut up.
Thank you.

Shut up.
Hey, you.

ALL: Who?

What do you think you're doing?

Who are you?

Who are we?

The Step Brothers.
Where's the audition?

Audition? Here?

Oh, the audition's here?

Okay, well,
let's hit it, fellas!

[STOMPING RHYTHMICALLY]

Hey!

Take it home.
Let's take it home.

Good work, Bronson!

Benson!

Oh, we're running
behind schedule, men.

Now, look,

Colonel,
you and Corporal Donohue

have got to approach the room
on the right flank,

and Bernbaum, come with me.

Who is Bernbaum?

You are, Bernbaum.

After you.

Go ahead.

I insist.

You little wimp.

Hey, fat boy!

Billy.

Are you all right?

Uh-oh.

[g*n CLICKS]

SOONEY:
We've been expecting you.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
Will Dutch and Eunice find happiness?

Will Mary ever realize

that the Burt
she is living with is a fake?

If she does,
will she keep him anyway?

Is Saul right

and Burt is really trapped
on the spaceship forever?

If so, will they do his laundry?

Who will Jodie choose...

his baby or Alice?

What's going to happen
to the Step Brothers

now that they're caught?

Will they be able

to dance their way
out of this one?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.