03x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Mary told Jessica she thinks
Burt isn't really Burt,

but is really somebody else,

but Jessica told her

that Burt really has to be Burt.

Meanwhile, the real Burt,
who is really on the spaceship,

has had Saul,
who is also being held c*ptive,

try to beam them both back.

And as if Mary doesn't really
have enough problems,

she is still really worried

about what has really happened
to Danny,

and who can blame her?

Because no one really knows
what has happened to Danny.

And even though Jessica
really chose Chester,

Detective Donohue
is still around,

because every time
he tries to leave,

he faints and throws up

and really
can't get out the door.

Really confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SNARLING]

We begin this episode
shortly after Burt and Saul

have beamed themselves down
from the spaceship.

What is this?
Where are we?

I'm hoping
Madison Square Garden.

But I doubt it.

I think it's the Colosseum.

Los Angeles?

Rome.

Rome? Rome?

Saul, you told me

you knew how to work the beamer.

How many times

you put a piece of toast
in the toaster, it burns?

I miscalculated.

[CHAINS RATTLING]

Well, fellas.

I've got good news...
and bad news.

The good news is
you're getting out.

[RELIEVED SIGH]

The bad news is
you're going to the lions.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]
Whoo! Whoo!

[LAUGHTER SUBSIDES]

All right, Christians.
Get moving.

We are Jewish.

Jews usually dress better.

Besides, the lions won't care.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, get moving!

What's that?

A remote beamer.

I brought it just in case.

Well...

use it, do something,
make it work.

Looks like one of those
little pocket calculators,

doesn't it?

Those things are a godsend.

I never could balance
a checkbook before.

Push it!

Hold my hand.

Come on, get going.

Here goes.

Where's this?

What is...?

Look at this. Look.

Look where you've
beamed us this time.

Mexico.

The world's most dangerous food.

Get us out of here.

All right!

You dirty, stinking
revolutionaries!

It's all over now.

You have worn
your last sombrero.

Get us out of here.

Hit the remote, quick.

I-I can't.
My hands are tied.

Saul!

I don't know

why they bother
with a f*ring squad.

They should just
make us drink the water.

Shut up!

You have danced
your last hat dance.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Ask for a cigarette.

I don't smoke.
You will.

You'll eat them if you have to.

Psst. Señor.

¿Qué pasa?

Pardon me, uh...

Pardon me, sir, but, uh...

I believe, uh...

we're entitled
to a last cigarette.

You're entitled to nothing,

you dirty, lousy,
stinking revolutionary.

You're probably right.

Uh, a momentito, herr...
amigo...

but, uh...

all f*ring squad prisoners

are entitled
to a final cigarette,

in accordance
with the Marlboro Act.

Okay. Okay.

[BARKING ORDERS
IN SPANISH]

I would... I would like, uh...
one of the long ones.

Menthol would be nice.

This is your last cigarette,

you lousy gringo.

Just as well. Vicious habit.

[COUGHS]

[COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY]

Delicious. Wonderful.

What brand is this?

Shut up and smoke!

Did you get the remote?

Yes.

All right!

No more smoking.

This is it,

you dirty, stinking
revolutionaries.

You have kissed
your last muchacha.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

It's not working.

Get us out of here.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

f*ring squad!

Ready!

Do something!

Aim!

Fire!

[g*nshots]

¿Qué pasa?

[JESSICA GIGGLING]

No! No, Chester.
No, we can't.

Why not?

Because...

Detective Donohue
is right down the hall.

So what?

He'll hear.

You make too much noise.

I'll be quiet, I promise.

No, Chester, you're never quiet.

Several hotels have asked us

never to come back.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but while I was
brushing my teeth,

I splashed water
all over your pajamas.

Do you think
I could borrow another pair?

They'll dry.

Oh, Chester,

he might catch
his death of cold.

Exactly.

Hi.

Hi.

I missed you.

We missed you too.

Really?

Donohue, do you mind?

We saw each other at dinner

minutes ago.

Seems like so much longer.

Good night, Jessica.

Good night, Chester.

[GIGGLING]

Where were we?

Oh, Chester, no, we can't.

He'll hear.

I'll be quiet, I promise.

No, you're never quiet.

I'll be quick.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

CHESTER: What?

Excuse me.

Hope I didn't
interrupt anything.

I'll bet you do.

Did I?

Donohue, what do you want?

I can't wear silk pajamas.
I'll slide right out of bed.

Wear sneakers.

[LAUGHS]

Chester...

Hi.

Hi.

Isn't this fun?

Yes, it's just like camp.

Out.

Good night, Jessica.

Good night.

Good night, Chester.

Jess, he has got to go.

Chester, he tries, he does,

but he passes out and throws up

every time
he gets near the door.

Jess, he has got to go,

and you've got to tell him.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Can I come in?

What do you want
this time, Donohue?

You want them
in a different color?

Aspirin. I have a headache.

Fine. Aspirin.

Jessica.

Hi.

Hi.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Marry me.

George...

I thought if I could
catch you off guard...

George...

you know, you have to go.

Well, I will, as soon as
he comes back with the aspirin.

No, I don't mean that.

I mean...

Come.

Now you really have to go.

You mean... for good?

Yes.

This is goodbye?

Yes.

Jessica, I'll never
see you again?

Oh... I don't know.

Perhaps we will
meet again someday,

in another life.

In another life,

you could be an avocado,

and I could be a spider, and...

how would I recognize you?

Well...

I'll be the only avocado
flirting with a spider.

Oh, George, I am sorry, but...

I had to make a choice.

You see,

it's like loving

chocolate and vanilla ice cream,

and only being
allowed one scoop,

so you have to give up
one flavor.

You could have vanilla fudge.

I love you.

I really love you.

And I'll never forget you.

Oh, Jess, don't.

No, it's okay, it really is.

You don't know
what you've given me.

Before you, I thought love
could never be in my life again.

You proved that... it could be.

You've given me love.

More than that,
you've given me hope.

I'm going to be okay, Jess.

Goodbye, Jessica.

Goodbye, George.

[DOOR OPENS]

Donohue.

Goodbye, Jessica.

Goodbye, George.

Goodbye, Chester.

Goodbye.

George...

No?

No.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I'll see you.

Hi, Jess.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Oh, coffee. Good.

I'm absolutely exhausted.

I haven't slept in nights.

Well, neither have I.

Insomnia?

Burt. You?

Chester.

Oh, great, coffee.

I haven't slept a wink
all night.

Well, what kept you up?

Dutch.

That's odd.
He's still in jail.

Oh, I know,

but he's getting out tomorrow,

and I'm so excited,
I can't sleep.

Oh, God.

Give me some coffee.

I was up all night.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew eventually Tim would.

Tim won't.

Then why didn't you sleep?

Because I was afraid
he'd wake up and want to,

and if I fell asleep
I'd miss it.

Plus, there was all that noise

coming from your room.

She means all of the...

The talking
and the singing we do.

Really, Mother.

Daddy sounds
like he is being m*rder*d.

Eunice.

He does.

Once, in a hotel,

when we got to where
Chester yells,

well, you see,

this man kicked in our door,

grabbed Chester,
flipped him over,

and started cardiac massage.

Well, you know, it is surprising
that Chester is like that,

because, I mean, you know,

Chester is not

a particularly wild person.

Generally speaking,

he doesn't even
take off his pajamas.

Burt could use some chloroform.

[JESSICA GIGGLES]

Could we talk
about something else, please?

Corinne, there must be
something you can do

to turn Tim on.

If it was Burt,
all you'd have to do is show up.

What about high heels
and a garter belt?

High heels and a garter belt?

I'm telling you, just forget it.

Works with Dutch.

Well, I threw away
all my garter belts

when they invented pantyhose.

Pantyhose
will not turn anyone on.

Burt.

Once, when Chester wasn't paying
a lot of attention to me,

I tried something
that I heard this woman did.

When her husband
came home from work,

she greeted him
wearing a see-through apron,

and he practically att*cked her,

so I tried it.

You wore a see-through apron?

That's right.

I don't believe it.

Well, it didn't work anyway,

because Chester just asked me

if I was cooking dinner
that night.

You wore
just a see-through apron?

Just the apron?

Yeah, Ma, just the apron.

You mean,
that woman wore just the apron?

I hope she wasn't cooking bacon.

See, the thing is,
no matter what you do,

it's never really perfect,
is it?

Sometimes.

Once in a while.

I remember a few.

It is always perfect
in the movies, though.

Katharine Hepburn
and Spencer Tracy.

Cary Grant and Grace Kelly.

Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh.

Peter Sellers.

And who?

No one.

He's just so funny.

I love him.

[SNIFFLING]

Oh, my head.

Your head?

My allergist could retire
from this place.

[SNEEZES]

Where am I?

Where are you?

You're in a barn.

Look at this.

Straw, hay, feathers.

[SNEEZES]

Millie, what's going to happen?

It's hard to say.

Usually my eyes water,
then I get a rash.

No, I mean with me.

Oh, I'm not supposed
to tell you.

I promised Mel.

He's going to sh**t me,
isn't he?

Oh, Danny, please don't ask me.

I can't do anything about it.

Why not?
Mel will get mad.

You look nice.

What?

I mean, considering
what you've been through.

I'm touched.

No, really.

Believe me, I've seen
a lot of guys tied up,

so it's not that...

Oh, you got beautiful eyes.

[GASPS]

Oh, and your chest is nice too.

Well, uh, how about
untying my hands?

I'm not allowed.

Well, I can't
very well touch you

if my hands are tied.

Oh, Danny.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little less sorry.

MEL:
Yo, Millie!

Uh, yo, Mel!

Hiya, baby.

Hi.

Uh, we were just
talking about you.

Get in the car.
Mel...

And grab some eggs
on your way out.

Mel, do we really
have to k*ll him?

Millie, go wait in the car.

Millie...

Mel...
Millie...

Mel...
Danny...

Millie!

Mel!
Mel...

Millie!

Danny...
Millie...

Say your prayers, sport.

Mel!

Millie... Oh!

Millie!

Danny.

Thank God.

Let's tie him up, call the cops,

and get out of here.

Oh, you go.
I can't leave Mel.

I have nowhere to go.

Millie, he belongs in jail.

You can come home with me.

Come on, untie me.

You mean, you really want me?

Well, I can't leave you
here with him.

Come on.

Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.

You want me to
come home with you? Yes.

Could we get married?

We'll talk.

Um, Brockhurst Investments?

Yes, is, uh, Mr. Brockhurst in?

This is Chester Tate.

What?

Joyce?

Well, hi.

Well, yeah, it has been a while.

Well, you know.

This and that.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid
I don't do that anymore.

Oh, excuse me?

Well, yeah, maybe sometime.

Lunch sounds fine.

Is, uh, Mr. Brockhurst...

What?

Well, I admit the offer
is certainly tempting,

but I... I couldn't possibly...

What?

You're kidding.

I didn't know
they made them in leather.

No, no, Joyce, no.

I... I really must decline.

I'm a new man now, Joyce.

I'm a one-girl guy.

What's past is past.

That's all behind me...

What?

You're joking.

Well, what do you do with it?

Oh, yeah, I'll bet, huh?

Yeah, well, now,
I-I'd really love to,

but I can't...

What?

Oh, well, sure.

A drink sometime.

Absolutely.

There's no harm
in a little drinky-poo

for old times' sake.

Of course.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, listen, Joyce,
there's no reason to apologize.

I understand completely.

Sure.

Yeah, same here.

Take care of yourself.

I'll see you in half an hour.

Hello, dear.

Uh, Chester...

What are you doing?

Got to go, Jess.

Where?

Brockhurst Investments.

They may have an opening for me.

Oh, Chester.

That's wonderful,
just wonderful.

What position?

I'll, uh...
know when I get there.

You must be very excited.

As a matter of fact, I am.

Chester, you could
go all the way

with that company.

Knock on wood.

Bye, dear.

Bye.

Chester?

Good luck.

Well, that's that.

Oh, that was fast.

I didn't realize
how far behind I got.

Well, I think being held c*ptive
by the Sunnies

is an acceptable excuse.

Anyway, I really appreciate
this time you're taking with me.

Well, we can, uh,
either tackle the Renaissance,

or send out for pizza.

Pizza?
You eat pizza?

Teachers can't eat pizza?

No, what I mean is,

you'd probably rather
eat dinner out

with your husband.
Not really.

Well, maybe you'd like
to call Mr. Walker

and let him know where you are.

I promise I won't cheat
while you're gone.

Mr. Walker's in Cleveland.

Do you need change
for the phone?

Mr. Walker and I are divorced.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Walker.

Would you like a glass of water
or something?

No, I'm pretty much over it,
thanks.

Listen, it's still early.

Maybe you could still go out.

I don't go out.

You mean you don't date?

Well, it's very hard
to get back into dating

after you've been involved
in a long-term relationship.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Men have a strange attitude

toward divorced women.

Here.

The Renaissance.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean Italy,

uh, th century
to th century.

No, I mean about
men's attitudes.

Oh.

Well, they all think

that just because
you're divorced,

you're an easy target.

So what do you do?

Go home.

Read.

Feed the fish.

Read some more.

Feed the fish some more.

My eyes are very weak

and my fish
look like Oldsmobiles.

[LAUGHS]

I love that.

What?
Reading and fish.

That's what it's all about.

You may be right.

Do you know,
I read that the common guppy

has a one in sh*t
at reaching maturity?

[WHIMPERS]

Actually, it's probably
more like a one in .

[SOBS]

Okay, look, I made that up.

They all live,
and none of them die.

They can never die.

Hey, look, you're real upset.
I'll go.

We can do this some other time.

No, no. Hey, Billy, don't go.

If it weren't for you,

I'd have absolutely
nothing to do at all.

Come on, stay.

We'll just go back to work.

Are you sure?

Yes, really.

I'm sorry.

It's just that....

well, it's been a while

since I've really
talked to anybody.

Yeah?

Could I get you an apple?

[SOBBING]

Mrs. Walker, please,

don't do this to yourself.

You'll find someone.

My God,

you're the most wonderful,
beautiful person I know.

Why do you think
your class is so popular?

You think the boys are nuts
about ancient history?

It's you.

We spend the whole time
just staring at you.

Why do you think
our marks are so bad?

I mean, if you looked
like a turtle,

we'd graduate in half an hour.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Billy.

You're funny.

And you're terrific.

So don't do this to yourself
anymore, okay?

Thanks, Billy.

You know,

you've made me feel better.

Turtle?

[LAUGHS]

You're a good guy, Billy.

Call me Bill.

Thanks, Bill.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Detective Donohue has left,

will Jessica be happy
with her choice of Chester?

Now that Chester
is playing around again,

will Chester be happy
with her choice of Chester?

Now that Millie
has saved him from Mel,

who will save Danny from Millie?

What has happened
to Saul and Burt in Mexico?

Did they get away?

Did they die?

Did they have time
to take in a bullfight?

Will there be
extracurricular activity

between Billy and his teacher?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.