03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Burt and Saul tried
to beam themselves home

but wound up instead
in ancient Rome.

Trying again,
and this time hard,

they wound up
in front of a f*ring squad.

Jessica, who's gotten
Donahue to go,

is happy,
except she doesn't know

that Chester,
who's looking for work,

can be found looking for women

and playing around.

And Eunice
is happy enough to shout,

because Dutch from jail
is getting out.

Danny, whose life
wasn't worth a darn,

has been helped by Millie
to escape from the barn.

He's very happy
she saved his life,

but now she wants
to be his wife.

And Billy Tate's
staying after school

to make up some work,
but he's no fool.

His teacher's cute,
so have no doubt,

he's not making up,
he's making out.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of...

Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is...

Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

This is the worst.

This is absolutely the worst.

Now I know why they
call it "mess".

Ma really
outdid herself this time.

Do you need more room?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Could you pass that down,

please, honey?

How can you eat that?

Hey, after eating prison food,

this garbage tastes good.

Anyone for seconds?

Eunice?

Stuffed.
Corinne?

Late lunch.

Chester?

Couldn't possibly, dear.

[COUGHS]

S-slight touch of flu.

Oh. Daddy?

I've got a meeting
of the Big Three.

I'd hate to throw up
all over Ike.

Well, at least Dutch
likes my cooking,

don't you, Dutch?

Hey, it's terrific.
Thank you.

I don't know why everybody
says it stinks.

Where's Billy?

Oh, he's working late at school.

[QUIETLY] Lucky.

Where's Tim?

He's missing his dinner.

He's upstairs, praying.

Could you ask him
to pray for a cook?

Darling, no offense,

but we really
must replace Benson quickly.

Well, darling, I am trying.

I've interviewed several people.

But, you see, those that cook
don't clean,

and those that clean

don't speak
any identifiable language.

What's that stuff down there?

I have no idea.

Pass that down anyway,
will you, please?

Maybe we should get a tractor.

[LAUGHS]

Ow!

Maybe tomorrow I'll cook.

Oh, no.

No, the last time you cooked,

the dog went to
the A.S.P.C.A.

and demanded to be put to sleep.

[LAUGHS]

Dutch, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

That's a salad fork.

You're eating your entrée
with a salad fork.

Sorry, we didn't have
salad forks in prison.

We didn't even
have forks in prison.

Now that you mention it,
this one is much better.

It's bigger.

That's a dessert fork.

He's eating
with his dessert fork.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I got nine forks here!

That's because
several of them are mine.

Daddy, give him a break.

He just got out of prison.

Does he do everything
like he eats?

Darling,
maybe you'd better slow down,

just a little bit.

I'm sorry, honey.

It's just that in prison,

if you don't shovel it in
as fast as you can,

they take it away from you.

Arnold.

Who is this man?

Major...

Oh, Daddy,
surely you remember Dutch.

Are you insinuating
that my mind is gone?

How dare you ask me

such a ridiculous
and insulting question?

Of course I know Dutch.

[SPEAKING DUTCH]

What I want to know is,
who is that?

What do you think

you're doing with that, bud?

That's my arm.

Let go of my arm, you idiot.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry.

It's a force of habit.

In prison,

I always used to get
the last roll.

It's a tradition.

Here, big guy.

You want some butter?

Jessica...

Hey, I know
it's, uh, hard for you

having me here.

I make mistakes.

I eat too fast and I talk rough,

and it hurts.

It really hurts because...

I love Eunice...
and all the rest of you a lot,

so all I got to say is,

please bear with me,

because...
being a part of this family

is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I promise,

someday I'll make you proud.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I really got to go to the can.

[♪]

BOB: Well...
Well, you too.

Yeah, all... All the luck
in the world.

Yeah, I hope you're
real happy, though.

Yeah, I'll never
forget you, kid.

Goodbye.

I... I should have
married her.

Bob, look, you did
the right thing.

I mean, there's no way to tell

if that baby's yours or not.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I-I guess
I'll always wonder

if it looks like me, you know?

The hair, the eyes, the grain.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Danny.

Oh, thank God.
Danny.

Danny? Danny? It's Danny Dallas.

Uh, tall, masculine one.

Let him in.

Are you all right?

Let me look at you.

I'm fine, Ma, really.

Oh, Danny, Danny.

It's all over now, Ma.

I'm home.

Let's just forget
it ever happened.

Hi. Danny?

I'm Burt.

And you. Oh-ho.

You must be Jodie.

Uh, everybody, this is Millie.

Millie. Right.

The outfit had me thrown there.

Oh, "Jodie."
What a laugh.

Millie.

Boy, it's really nice
to see you again.

We never met.

Hi, I'm Burt.

Burt.

Just being friendly.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

See that?
It was very nice of me.

Uh, Millie,
this is my mother, Mary.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm pleased to meet you, Millie.

Come in.

[MOANING]

Who is she?

She's the, uh...
kidnapper's girlfriend.

And, Millie, this is Chuck.

Hi, Chuck.

Hi, Millie.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And that's Bob.

[LAUGHS]

Are you quite through?

You believe this?

I need to be laughed at
in my own house?

Come on, Bob.
Yeah.

Well, I was going to
invite you upstairs

to k*ll off a fifth
of Johnny Walker,

but you blew it, lady.

I'm afraid I'm not
doing too well.

It's, uh,
really hard to tell here.

Why don't we all sit down?

Yeah.

Sitting is very good.

Yeah.

You have a lovely home, Mary.

Yeah, you do.

I do.

Uh, Burt and Mary.

We do. All of us do.

It's a very nice place here.

Mint?

Oh...

Burt!

Just kidding.

Cigarette?

Mint cigarette? Menthol?

These have been used.

Would anyone like some coffee?

Millie?

Oh, no, thank you.

It repeats on me.

Fine.

So, uh...

tell us a little more
about yourself, here.

Uh, Burt...
I don't think...

I mean, what do you do?
I mean, now.

I'm clean.

I mean,
I'm trying to go straight.

I don't want to be part

of anybody
getting bumped off again.

That's so important.

This is sweet.

What?

Your family,

sitting around together,
chatting.

It's... It's really,
really lovely.

I never had that.

Me neither.

What?

Until now, I mean.

Now I have that.

Families are wonderful,
especially with relatives.

Go ahead.

Well, I just...

You know, you people...

I'm sorry.

Can I use your bathroom?

I won't take anything.

Upstairs, on the right.

It's just that...
you're all so wonderful.

[SOBBING]

She's a little nervous.

I saw that.

She's really a very nice girl.

But she's
the kidnapper's girlfriend.

I know, I know.

But she saved my life, Ma,
and I owe her.

I promised I'd take care of her,
and I can't go back on my word.

Please, Ma.

Just for a little while, okay?

Okay.

I'll show her the guest room.

Thanks, Ma.

Welcome home.

So how's it going?

Not bad.

Pretty good.

Can't complain.

[COUGHS]

Do I smoke?

No.

Oh, good. I hate it.

So, uh, what's new?

I've been meaning to ask you,

whatever happened
with that spaceship?

Spaceship?
What spaceship?

Are you saying
I saw a spaceship?

Hey, wait,

are you insinuating
that I saw a...

What is a spaceship?

Who told you anything
about a spaceship? Burt...

you told me you saw a spaceship!

That's the most ridiculous thing
I ever said!

[♪]

Let's see.

I think I got everything.

Red pills, green pills,
purple pills,

Dramamine, brandy.

Are you flying home
with a rock group?

I hate flying.

Well, you'd never know it.

Let's see.

I'll take one of these
at the airport,

then I'll ask the person
next to me on the plane

to slap me around a little
when we pull into Houston.

Once, I mistimed my pill
and wound up in Guatemala.

What time is your flight?

I forget.

You hate me, don't you?

No.

Listen, occasionally
I forget what flight I'm on.

You know what I mean.

For making Alice leave.

Yeah, well, uh...

you brought me my kid, though.

It's pretty hard to hate you.

Oh.

I always try too hard
to do the right thing.

When I was pregnant with Carol,

I read everything that everybody
ever wrote about being a mother.

I tried so hard to be
the best mama there ever was.

Then what happened?

My child goes

and runs off with a cowboy.

A fake cowboy.

What do you call a male bimbo?

Cowboy's close.

So forget the books.

Go with your instincts.

Give her your love
and hope for the best.

[CAR HONKING]

Oh, that's my cab.

Take care of our little girl.

Goodbye, Wendy.

[MAKES GURGLING NOISE]

Send lots of pictures.

Okay.

Goodbye, Jodie.

Goodbye.

Uh, Mrs. David?

What?

Oh, my suitcase!

Bye.

[SIGHS]

Well... here we are.

It's just you and me, kid.

[WENDY CRIES]

Shh, shh, shh.

Come on. No, no, no.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

Come on, no. Shh.

Come on, come on.

See?

What? What? Shh.

Come on.

[CRYING]

Mrs. David!

Wendy's crying!

Mrs....

Mrs....

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Okay.

Hi.

[CRYING SUBSIDES]

No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Come on, Daddy's here.

Come on.

Here we go.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

There you go.

All right.

All right.

All right.

That's a girl.

See? Huh?

You're okay now.

You know why?

♪ Your Daddy's here ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're Daddy's little girl, huh?

See?

You cry, I sing.

You wet, I dry.

You hurt, I heal.

Okay?

Yeah.

That's a good girl.

That's a girl.

Oh, God, Wendy.

What's going to happen

when you're
and you want to borrow the car?

Or you're , hmm?

And you bring home some goof
who wants to marry you.

"Hey, how you doin',
Mr. Dallas?"

[GOOFY CHUCKLE]

"Hey, you know,

"I know you're a h*m*
and everything, but, uh...

I really want
to marry Wendy, you know?"

Oh, look at that.

Three months old,
and I got you married already.

And to some jerk, yet.

Doesn't he know
you're Daddy's little girl?

Doesn't he? Huh?

Okay.

Let's go to sleep.

There you go.

There.

Great.

♪ You're sugar, you're spice ♪

♪ You're everything nice ♪

♪ Because you're
Daddy's little girl ♪

[♪]

[GROANS LOUDLY]

Oh, God.

Oh!

[WHIMPERING]

I hate traveling with you.

That's the last time
I travel with you.

Saul, you told me
you knew what to do,

and what do you do?

You beam us to death.

I know what I did wrong.

Look, right here, see?

I hit the retro button.

A common mistake.

Oh, yeah? Common mistake?

Ancient Rome and Mexico
in one day?

How do you pack
for a trip like that?

Look, I can do it.

What are you going to do?

You want to see your wife again?

Or do you want to live
with the silver shrimps?

Your choice.

Come on, let's go.

I'm not going.

What do you mean,
you're not going?

I'm not going to go.

I'm going to stay here.

What are you talking about?

Please, Saul. Why?

I was on two quick trips,
and I'm exhausted.

I'm too old to travel.

You're coming home with me.

I'm not going to hear
another thing about it, now...

Burt, Burt.

I've been here years.

This is home.

What home?

This is an alien spaceship.

In my village,
we had an expression.

"Home is where
you tie your goat."

No, come on, Saul.

You're going to love it
down there.

I know, I know.

It's a terrific place

for someone
a few thousand years younger.

Girls walk around
without their bras now.

Burty...

home is where
you're comfortable,

and I'm comfortable here.

I'm not thrilled,
I'm not excited,

but at my age,

thrilled and excited
is dangerous.

Now, go on.

I'll beam you down.

You're not going to
come with me?

No.

This is goodbye?

This is goodbye.

Bye, Saul.

Goodbye, Burt.

Saul?

I want you to have this.

Your watch?

Yeah, it's the only thing I got
to give you.

If I give you my belt,
my pants'll fall down, so...

It's a Timex.

[CHUCKLES]

Still on warranty.

Oh, good, good.

Up here, that'll be good.

For you.

Bye, Saul.

So long, Burt.

Oh, listen, Burt,

you want to go by Palm Springs

before you go home?

No, I just want to go home.

Okay, buddy.

Bon voyage.

[BEEPING]

Shalom.

Bye-bye, Burty.

I'm here.

That's a hell of a sh*t, Saul.

Mare!

Mare!

Mare, I'm home!

Burt!

Yeah.

Burt!
Burt!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What am I doing?

What am I running for?
I live here.

He goes. He goes.

This...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Mary sees two Burts,
she's going to drop dead.

I'll call.

I'll call first.

I just hope I don't answer.

Hi.

Hi.

Nice weekend?

Fine. Great.

Good.
You?

Good, good.
Great.

Fine.
Good.

Here's your Spanish Inquisition.

Great.
Good.

Bill, this is crazy.

I know.

This is insane.
I know.

We have to talk.

I understand.

Now, I'm your teacher.
Yes, you are.

And you're
my student. Yes, I am.

And this is
a classroom. Yes, it is.

And we are in
a classroom. Yes, we are.

We can't do this.
No, we can't.

We'll have to meet
at my place. Yes, we...

What?

Well, we have to discuss this.

[SLOWLY] Yeah.

We have to know exactly
what we're getting into.

I agree.

I agree totally.

I totally agree.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I don't know
if you can handle this.

I don't know
if I can handle this.

I can handle it
if you can handle it.

Handle what?

I... I've thought about this
all weekend.

Am I being unfair to you?

Am I being crazy?

Oh, Mrs. Walker,
I think there's a...

Bill, we're investigating

the possibility
of a relationship.

Please don't call me
Mrs. Walker.

I'm sorry, Lillian.

Leslie.

Leslie.

I'm sorry...

Leslie.

I mean, it's not like
you're old enough

to be my mother or anything.

We're only a few years
apart, really.

I mean, if I were
and you were , who'd care?

But it's just
that people'll think,

"Why the hell
can't she find someone

a little more
right for her?"

I'm not right for you?

Why? Just because

I can't drive at night yet?

I just want you to understand

what all of this means.

I understand enough to know...

that I like being around you,

and to shut off
something nice like this

because of what might happen

is dumb.

Okay.

Here.

What's this?

Wars of the Roses.

If we're going to be
seeing each other, uh...

you're going to
have to do your homework.

I don't go out with dummies.

Okay?

Boy, if all my classes
were like this,

I'd be in medical school by now.

See you.

See you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Millie's met the Campbells,

will she decide
a life of crime is quieter?

Now that Real Burt
and Alien Burt have met,

will they decide

it might be nice to dress alike?

What will happen
between Billy and his teacher,

and will he get marks for it?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of...

Soap.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.