03x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

real Burt thought
his troubles were over

when he was beamed to Earth
and called Mary to meet him.

Only his troubles weren't over,
because on the way,

Mary saw the alien Burt
and got very troubled.

Jessica told Chester
he was in trouble

because she thought
he was having an affair.

Only Chester said
she shouldn't be troubled

because he isn't.

Eunice, who's having trouble
being around Dutch,

and Corinne
saw Chester with another woman,

which troubled them both,

and might get Chester
in a lot of trouble.

Billy and his teacher
are having trouble being alone.

When on their date,

they saw Eunice and another man.

Chester, with a woman,

saw them and left
before they saw him,

and he got into trouble,

and Corinne and Tim
won't be having trouble anymore

because Tim has left.

Troubled?

You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is Soap.

[ARGUING]

Jessica,
is this party really necessary?

Well, Chester,
of course it is, darling.

Dutch has joined our family.

This party is for him.

Couldn't we just
send him a card?

And why do we always

have to invite the Campbells?

Don't we know anyone else?

Well, we don't always
invite the Campbells.

Sometimes, we don't invite
anyone at all.

Of course, on those occasions,

we don't have a party...

which is probably why
no one ever shows up.

You sure I look all right?

Oh, you look wonderful,
darling, really.

Yeah, they're gonna hate me.

Oh, they're not gonna hate you.

Whose is that?
What?

That's my tie.

You stole my tie.

Jess, he stole my tie.

Daddy, I lent him
one of your ties.

That is my favorite tie.

JESSICA:
Well, darling,

you said that this
was your favorite tie.

They're both my favorite.

Here, you can take it back.

It don't go
with these pants anyway.

Oh, wonderful.

In the body of a gorilla
lives Pierre Cardin.

Eunice, I don't believe it.

All those lessons,

ballet, piano, elocution,
charm school, and for what?

Oh, Daddy.

The braces, the fat farm,
the hump, the nose job.

Daddy, come on.

You're a very attractive
woman, Eunice...

Well, thank you.

But it wasn't cheap.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh,
they're here.

They're here.

Chester, look glad.

Hello, darling.
Come in.

Hello, Jess.

Hi, Chester.
Mary.

MARY: Hello.

Chester.

Stockbroker, charged
with embezzlement,

m*rder*d my son.

Good to see you, Chet.

Hello, Burt.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow, are you the hot one?

This is Millie.

This is my sister, Jessica...
Hello.

And that's her husband, Chester.

How do you do?

This is a palace.

I'm in a regular damn palace.

Are we in England?

Come on, Millie.

Well, I see Einstein
found Madame Curie.

I'm so glad

I decided to throw this party.

Otherwise,
there wouldn't be any food

when you got here.

Hors d'oeuvres, Mary?

Oh, Jess, I'm so confused.

No, it's simple.

If they're pink, they're salmon.

If they're black,
they're caviar.

No, I mean about Burt.

What do you mean?

He is trying
to drive me crazy...

but I can't figure out why.

At first, I thought
it was for my money,

but then I realized,
I have no money.

Then it's not for your money.

I swear, Jess,

he's doing what they do
in those Hitchcock movies.

He's trying to make me
think I'm crazy.

[GROANS]

I hate Hitchcock.

I saw Psycho,

and I haven't been able
to take a shower since.

Why do you think
he's doing it, Jess?

For the money.

They all do it for the money.

There's no money.

Oh, of course there is.

Horror movies

have grossed over $ million

this summer.

See, I read that in TIME.

They all do it
for the money, Mary,

and Hitchcock is no different.

Are you the hot one?

Hi, doll, you wanna get naked?

What...? What the...?

Where is Chuck?

What do you got in mind?

[LAUGHS]

Excuse me, but I think
I see someone I know.

Yeah, yeah.

Knock yourself out.

Hey, Chuck, did you find it yet?

Uh, no.
Well, great.

How am I gonna see
without one contact lens? I don't know.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Use a glass, you idiot.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Oh, that's much better.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hi.

You seem to be
sitting there so quiet.

Is something the matter?

See, my husband was a priest,

and he left the church for me,

which made him so guilty

that he went to live in a cave,

but then our son
was born possessed,

and he came back
to perform the exorcism,

and when it was over,

I thought
it would change things,

but no, he wouldn't go near me.

He wouldn't touch me,
and the other day, he left me.

I'm Corinne.

Millie.

Nice meeting you.

Hey, sweetie.

Chet.

Which one's the hot one?

I beg your pardon.

Come on, which one
of these tootsies here

is the hot one?

How dare you?

Whoa.

That's enough, men.

Your leave is canceled.

Back to the barracks.

Fifi?

Fifi, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, but...

Fifi, I told you it had to end,

that it was only
a wartime thing.

You have a husband at the front.

I have a wife back home.

It was short,

it was beautiful,

and I shall treasure
the moments always,

but it's over, Fifi.

Remember me
as I will remember you,

and let us say farewell.

You will live
in my heart forever...

And you'd better see a doctor.

You gave me
some funny foreign thing.

Danny.

Yeah, Millie.

Danny, remember when you said

you had to think
about marrying me?

I haven't had a chance yet, Mil.

Well, don't think
about it, Danny.

No, I have to, Millie.

No, I don't wanna marry you.

You don't?

No.

Oh, gee, Mil.

I'm sorry, Danny.

Really, I am.

I like you, and you're terrific,

and you have one hell of a body,

but your entire family is crazy,

and in just a matter of time,

you're gonna be crazy too,

and once you're crazy,
I'll probably go crazy,

and I don't wanna go crazy.

They finally found

the right color for my hair,

so I don't wanna go crazy.

But you saved my life.

Oh, it's all right. Any time.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, I'll probably become
a manicurist.

I've got a flair for it.

Well, goodbye, Danny,
and thank you.

Yeah, bye.

Hey, Ma.

Ma, do you think
our family's crazy?

Crazy?

Crazy?

[LAUGHING]

Ma?

Aunt Jessie.

Yes, what?

Do you think our family's crazy?

Hit the dirt, everybody.

It's a grenade!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Major, look what you've done.

[expl*si*n]

Oh, it's the gas main.

They're working down the street.
It blew up.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought it was the pineapple.

[CHUCKLES]

Danny, what was your question?

Never mind.

Come on in.

So...

So.

This is where I live.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Very, very nice.
Thanks.

You've done some
nice things with it.

Thanks. Hungry?

No. You?

No.

Why don't we sit down.

Sure.

So...

So...

Have you lived here long?

No, just since my divorce.

Could I take a shower?

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

I just...

Look at this. I've been
here five minutes,

and your place looks like
The Poseidon Adventure.

Come on, Billy, relax.

I'm relaxed.

I'm just tense.

What's wrong?

You see...
I've never been

with a divorced woman before.

It feels very strange.

If this were a school night,
I'd be home two hours ago.

Billy, I didn't invite you
up here to seduce you.

You didn't?

Whatever happens
in our relationship happens,

and if something does happen,

it'll be a natural
and easy thing to deal with,

so let's just take it
one step at a time, okay?

[CHUCKLES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Are you expecting company?

No.

Excuse me.

Charlie.
Hi there.

Charlie, get out.
I'm not even in.

Go away.
Hey, this is cute.

Place looks nice.

Charlie, what are you
doing here?

I was in the neighborhood.

I though I'd drop by.

Hi, kid.

I didn't realize

you tutored on Saturday nights.

Uh, she's not exactly...

Charlie, we're a little busy.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Um, Charlie, this is Bill Tate.

Bill, this is Charlie Walker.

Your brother.

Her husband.

Ex-husband.

So, what's the kid doing here,

delivering pizza?

Collecting for
a paper route, what?

Leslie and I

are spending
an evening together.

You're kidding.

This is a joke, no?

No, it's no joke.

Oh, terrific...

And I was too immature for you.

That's great.

I walk in here

expecting to find David Niven
mixing martinis,

instead, it's Sabu.

Great. Nice move, Leslie.

Mr. Walker, I don't...

Kid, run along, huh?

I've got some business
to discuss with Mrs. Walker.

He's not leaving, Charlie.
You are.

Leslie, please,
I'll handle this.

I'm not leaving, Charlie.

You are.

Look, sonny,
either you take a walk,

or I bounce you down the stairs.

Leslie, you look...

I'm only gonna say this once,

so you better pay attention.

You've been asked to leave,

and you've been asked nicely.

Leslie has asked you,
and now I'm telling you.

I'm a fourth-degree
black belt in karate,

and a third-degree
master in Tai Chi.

If you choose to stay
and make trouble,

I'm going to hurt you
very, very badly.

So, what's it gonna be?

[CHUCKLES]

I just dropped by to say hello.

And?

And I said it.

[PANTING]

God, look at the time.

Uh, I got to be going.

It was nice seeing you both.

Bye.

That was wonderful.

He bought it.

Such calm, cool.

He actually bought it.

Usually, they just b*at
the living hell out of me.

It finally worked.

Boy, is he dumb.

Why did you do that?

Why? Because
he's an obnoxious jerk.

I wasn't crazy

about the way he treated you,

or me, for that matter.

What a creep, a real loser.

Why are you crying?

[SNIFFLES]

I'm not crying.

Oh, you see,

with the tears
and the heavy sobbing,

I just naturally
assumed you were.

You're probably wondering

what kind of person
marries a jerk like that.

Well, only some other jerk.

Jerk?

You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me,

and no one can make you
look any different.

Oh, Billy.

I'm gonna go.

You're real upset,

and you should be by
yourself for awhile.

Okay? I'll see you Monday.

Pleasant dreams.

I'll see you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Could you drive me home?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.
Mary.

Goodbye.

Mary, wait a minute. Mary.

Goodbye, Burt.
Mary, wait a minute.

What's going on here?

I call you yesterday,
ask you to meet me,

you tell me you're coming,
I wait all night, no Mary.

Really?
I slept in the park.

Oh, and who was that
grabbing me all night,

your double?

Who told you?

Goodbye, Burt.

Mary, Mary, wait...

You call me
and tell me to see you,

and then when I see you,

you tell me
I never spoke to you...

And now you call me again

and ask me why I didn't come

when you already told me
you didn't tell me to.

I also told you,
if you remember,

not to talk to me

if you saw me until you saw me.

Listen, Burt,

if you're trying
to drive me crazy,

it's worked, okay?

I'm crazy.

I don't know
why you're doing this,

but it worked.

I am properly
and certifiably bananas.

It's nice talking to you.

While you're at Kline's,
would you pick up some Gleem?

We're almost out.

Mary, Mary, please listen to me.

Listen to me, Mary.

If you love me, please,
just listen to me.

Okay, what?

Don't listen to me.

Goodbye, Burt.

Mary, no, listen.

Mary, please...

Mary, just have faith
that what I say is true,

just don't listen to me.

When you get here,
you can listen to me.

What have you got to lose?

Burt, just come home, okay?

Mare, I can't come home.

Now, please come to me.

Burt.

And remember, now,

if you see me along the way,

don't you talk to me.

If I see you
along the way, Burt,

I'll probably k*ll you.

Hey, Mare.
What?

I love you.

Get.

Shh, it's okay, honey.
It's okay.

Get.

Get.

Get, get.

Why don't you carry a shotgun?

It was a bee, Corinne.

What's it gonna do,
drill through the netting?

It could happen.

Once, on a movie of the week,

they ate through the roof

of a Volkswagen.

Hi.

Hi.

Jodie, you've gotta
relax a little.

I know what you mean.

Don't worry, you'll calm down.

Hmm.

Well...

I've taken a leave
of absence from work

till I can find a nanny,

but I haven't been able
to find anyone I like.

What are you looking for?

Mary Poppins.

Listen, Jodie,

God was very smart
when he made babies.

First, he gave them

a foolproof means
of communication:

screaming.

Second, he didn't
make them out of glass,

and third, and most important...

he invented apple juice.

Once you relax,
it's really a lot of fun.

Yeah, I guess I've been
alone too much.

I'm feeling so much better
just talking to you.

Jodie, you've gotta
get out more.

What, and leave Wendy?

Listen, I've got
a proposition to make.

I need a place where I can go
and be alone sometimes.

At home, I've got no privacy.

I mean, before Tim left,

he was always
in the room praying,

and it was really hard
to polish my toenails

during High Mass.

Now that he's gone,

everybody's always coming in
and trying to cheer me up...

So how about if sometimes

I come over to your place
and take care of both babies

and get a little privacy

while you go out
and get a little bit of life?

You got yourself a deal,
Corinne...

And listen, it works both ways.

I mean, since you're
a single lady now,

feel free to leave
little Timmy with me

when you want to go out and...

you know.

You mean it?

Absolutely, anytime.

Oh, great.
See you Tuesday.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Come in X- . Come in.

Prepare to be beamed back.

I'm not coming back.

Please, X- ,

you are to come back
immediately.

What are you, crazy?

With what I've got
going on down here,

forget about it.

X- , you are in violation
of our bylaws.

I don't care. I'm staying.

Come on. What are you, crazy?

Listen, I haven't had
so much fun in my entire life,

and I'm , years old.

Know what they got down here?

They got unlimited whoopee.

So they may not live forever,

but when they live, whoo,
they're really living.

So I ain't coming back,

and don't try to beam me back
because I'm jamming my beamer.

[BEEPS]

I can't say I blame him.

All because of this sex business
of yours.

If I remember correctly,
it was worth it.

Then we must beam up
the real Burt.

Why?

Saul, we've got
a lot of our people

down there.

If your people
discover two Burts,

they are going to get
suspicious.

Start beaming procedure.

[COMPUTERS BEEP]

Mare, come on. Mary come on.

It's just a few blocks.

May I have
a chocolate soda, please?

You know, it's calories,
but what they hell.

I mean, you gotta live
a little bit here.

You know what I mean?

Mare, come on. Mare.

Mare.

[SCREAMS]

Mare, it's you.

You're here.

You're here. Thank God.

Burt, what in the world
are you doing?

You won't believe this.

I'm sure I won't.

Sit down.

You call me,
you tell me to meet you,

and, if on the way to meet you
I see you in the house,

I should ignore you.

Right.
Because that isn't you.

Exactly. That's him.

Who?
My double.

Your double?

The little silver guy
who looks just like me.

Thank you.

Burt, you remember
Dr. Medlow?

He helped you
when you were invisible.

You remember
when you were invisible?

Mary, no. Mary, please.

This is different here.
This is real.

These are real space people.

You remember you used to
snap your fingers

and think no one could see you?

Mary, please, I'm telling you,

they beamed me up
to their spaceship.

[LIPS BUZZ]

Mary, I'm telling you,

they beamed me up
to their spaceship.

They can do that,

and they sent my double
back down here.

Mare, they can...

They zapped me just like that:

Oh, my God.

Burt?

Burt?

Oh! Oh, Burt, I'm sorry.

You can make yourself invisible.

Uh... you do...

Um... he was just...

[FINGERS SNAP]

I...

Hi.

This is incredible.

It was up, and then when I...

My God!

What is it with you people?

Sorry, Burt.

Come on, fellows, have a heart.

They got no hearts, Burt.

It's all wires.

You're pleading
with a microwave oven here.

We tried to beam back
your duplicate,

but he will not come,

and we cannot have
two of you there.

What do you mean
he won't come back?

He took one look at your wife

and jammed his beamer...

if you get my drift.

We are sorry, Burt.

Wait a minute.

Let me talk to this guy.

I'll get him to come back.

Just let me talk to him, please.

No, you will never
get him to agree.

Come on. Come on.

Listen, let me try, all right?

Just let me...
Give him...

Give him a chance,
for God's sake.

If he can do it,
you'll beam him back.

Let me talk to him.

Just let me talk to him.

All right,

but you have only one chance.

If you cannot get him to return,

you will be beamed
back here forever.

All right. Good.

That's all right.
Let's go.

Good luck, Burt.
Good luck.

Remember, you have
just one chance.

Right.

Oh, Saul.

I wouldn't...

What?

ANNOUNCER:
What will happen now that alien Burt

refuses to return
to the spaceship

and real Burt
has only one chance

to talk him into going back?

Can they both stay with Mary?

Is there enough drawer space?

Now that Dutch
is living with the Tates,

will his eating habits improve,

or will the carpets
need extra shampooing?

Now that Mary thinks

Burt is purposely trying
to drive her crazy,

what will she do?

What will happen
with Billy and his teacher?

Will it happen

before they're too old
to enjoy it?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.