06x02 - The Psychotherapist

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

I shan't be long now.

I didn't ask you
how long you were gonna be.

I know, but you keep looking
at your watch.

I do not.

What are you doing
when you keep going... "Oh!"

It's a nervous tic I've developed.

Well, I shan't be long.

Take as long as you like.
I'm not doing anything.

- Except sitting here with my nervous tic.
- Well, I shan't be long!

- Right.
- Lionel.

- Yes, I heard you.
- No, I want to ask you a question.

Do you know where there's
a good Korean restaurant?

Korea?

- Thank you very much.
- It's an obscure question. How'd I know?

You knew the name
of the second officer on the Titanic.

- Did I?
- Yes. When we did the crossword.

- Lightoller.
- That's it.

What has that to do
with Korean restaurants?

You're sometimes very knowledgeable.

You knew the name
of Napoleon's horse, too.

Yes. Eric.

- No, it wasn't Eric.
- Or Dobbin, then.

No, my list of entirely useless facts

doesn't include Korean restaurants,
I'm sorry.

You see, I've got to take
a Mr Cho out to lunch next week.

- Who is Korean?
- Smart as a whip.

Funny. When I was in Korea,
most of them were poor as church mice.

Now they're over here
opening companies

and getting people's wives
to take them to lunch.

Yes, well, things do tend
to change a bit after 40 years.

Yes, I've noticed.

If you were in one of your gallant moods,
you'd have said, "You haven't."

You'd have been lying
but you'd have said it.

- I don't remember ever being gallant.
- Oh, but you were.

You took me
to the Officers' Mess Ball once.

I wore a long dress with a low back.

- It was blue.
- Oh, yes it was blue.

Oh! And do you know
what you did when you danced?

You held a folded, clean white
handkerchief in your right hand.

I'd never touched your bare back before.

You didn't then,
except through the hanky.

- I did let my little finger wander a bit.
- Yes!

I remember. Oh, but that handkerchief.

That was gallant.

- This Mr Chu...
- Cho.

Cho. He doesn't need
to be sweetened up, does he?

- Sweetened up?
- You know what I mean.

- He's a boy of 35.
- Yeah, nevertheless.

Lionel, this is a man
who talks nothing but business.

His idea of relaxation
is probably thinking about business.

You two should get on well, then.

- Sorry?
- I think you bring too much work home.

- Look, I don't do it that often.
- This is the second time this week.

- I didn't do it last week.
- No, you worked late two evenings.

Business is picking up.
I need to be on top of things.

- You've got Judith and Sandy.
- Yes, I know.

So why insist on acting
like a one-man band?

I'm going to make the coffee.

That is, if I can get to the kitchen with
these cymbals strapped to my knees.

- Nothing to eat?
- Not unless I start chewing the table.

Ooh, you look like you might just do that.

- I know she's your mother...
- Oh, dear.

Well, you've been out
most of the morning.

Just as well,
by the expression on your face.

I'm not kidding. She's been impossible.

Fussing and clucking about. Looking
over my shoulder all the time.

I thought I'd become
her right arm over the years

but she's treating me
more like a little finger.

- I know she's your mother.
- You said that. Look, I agree.

- She's getting... What's the word?
- Bloody impossible.

That's two words. No, paranoid.

All this work she's taking home.

Most of it's just checking
what's already been done.

- I wasn't going to tell you.
- I'm not blind.

I was supposed to take Mr Cho to lunch.

- Did you want to?
- Not especially. But I was supposed to.

Then Mum decides she should do it.

I mean, excuse? "You never know
with Koreans," she said.

- Never know what?
- I haven't the faintest idea.

I don't think Mum had. Just one more
thing she felt she should do herself.

- I'm going to have another glass of wine.
- That won't help.

- I know. Do you want one?
- Yes, please.

Shame you had lunch. I could have
whisked you off for a bite at Claridge's.

Why are you having lunch at Claridge's?

It's the sort of thing
one does from time to time.

This one doesn't.

They threw away the mould
when they made you.

They had to, it was cracked.

- Hey!
- I was only joking.

Oh, joking, Right.

Anyway, your lovely lady rang me and
asked if I knew any Korean restaurants.

- Here are eight to be going on with.
- Only eight?

- These are just inner London.
- Fair enough.

- Would you like to sit down?
- Oh, thanks.

- Erm...
- Ooh, lovely.

Now, to the main reason for my visit.

To make the world a better place?

Apart from that.

- Li, where is your second book?
- Oh, for the umpteenth time,

- there isn't going to be a second book.
- Why, I hear myself asking?

I've told you before,
I hear myself answering.

- Oh, but, mate...
- Now look here, Alistair.

They say
there's one good book in everyone.

There was one mediocre one in me
and that's it.

- You wrote a miniseries as well.
- You didn't argue with mediocre.

That was networked in the US of A.

And set American television
back about ten years.

I know what it is. It's that book
I asked you to adapt. It put you off.

A book about a Romanian shepherd who
turns into a sheep would put anyone off.

- Heavy.
- Ponderous.

- I can't think why I asked you to do it.
- I can. I was bored.

Jean told you and up you came
with Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.

Ah, well, Jean didn't put me up to this.

Cross my heart, Li, and hope
to become unattractive to women.

I just thought you needed someone to
help you light the old blue touchpaper.

I'm not a rocket. I'm more
of an indoor firework these days.

You put a match to them
and they go, chnnng, hmmm.

That is a very sad thing to say.

It wasn't meant to be. I hate to spoil
your illusions, but I am a happy man.

I have a wife whom I love
and as well as her,

I have Judy and Sandy
to feast my eyes on every day.

- I can see that bit.
- And, little by little,

I am learning
the art of being quite content

with doing very little, slowly.

Very little? Slowly?

No need to look so horrified.

Oh, no, no, whatever turns you on.

Very little. Slowly.

- I think you'd better go to lunch.
- Yes, I think I will.

And cheer yourself up, eat quickly.

Oh... could you do me a favour?

Tell Judy I'll pick her up
about seven, hm?

- Yeah, course.
- You got any plans for this afternoon?

Not really. I shall wash up slowly
and then have a quick nap.

- Quick?
- Yeah.

- But slowly.
- Oh.

Cheers.

He's very good, isn't he?

- Sorry?
- Mr Percival.

Oh.

Well, this is
my first appointment, actually.

Well, you take my word for it.
He's very good.

Good.

Watt.

Er... No, I said good.

No, no, my name.

- Gordon Watt.
- Oh! Oh, I see. How do you do?

Yes, he's done wonders for me,
Mr Percival.

I first saw him, ooh, two year ago now.

I was really depressed at the time.

- Really?
- Really.

Really depressed.

Did you say two years ago?

There are no short cuts
in psychotherapy,

that's what Mr Percival says.

- You must be the 3:30.
- Yes.

But if you're still waiting, that means,
er... he must be a bit delayed.

Oh, no, no, I'm the 4:30.

Aren't you a little early?

Well, yes, but you see,
that's a huge improvement in itself.

A year ago, I'd have been here
at one o'clock.

- Mrs Hardcastle?
- Yes.

Mr Percival's apologies, but he's running
a little late. He won't keep you long.

Oh, thank you.

Don't be put off by Miss Wessel.

She may seem a bit brusque at first

but you get to know her
as the months go by.

Right. Fine.

Bye.

It's only me.

- Anyone want a drink?
- No, thanks.

Oh.

- There's a message from Lionel.
- Oh, what does it say?

- It's addressed to you.
- It isn't in a sealed envelope, is it?

It doesn't say,
"For Jean's eyes only." Read it.

"Gone to library."

Fascinating.

"Miss Weasel phoned..."
Er... "Miss Wessel phoned,

missed apartment."

- Apartment?
- Appointment?

- Ah. Ah.
- Who's Miss Wessel?

Somebody I missed
an appointment with.

Business?

- Well, of course, business.
- That's not like you.

- This is all your fault.
- What have I done now?

Well, Mum's just missed an appointment
with a Miss Wessel.

Well, it wasn't in the book.
I'm not psychic.

- I wasn't told, was I?
- You weren't told.

I made the appointment by myself
and missed it by myself, all right?

- That's not like you.
- That's what I said.

I'm going to change.

Get...

- Why me?
- Well, because I'm keeping lookout.

She's at it again.
I did all these figures this morning.

I'm getting fed up with this.
Either I'm trusted or I'm not.

You are the one going through
the boss's briefcase.

- It was your idea!
- I'm joking! I'm just joking.

Put it away!

Everything all right? You look flustered.

- Flustered?
- Yeah.

- Us?
- Yes.

It's the excitement at seeing you.

Yes, it's this awful power
you have over us women, Lionel.

Power to make them give
evasive answers to simple questions?

- Would we?
- You just did.

All right. It's Mum.

She's bringing stuff home when she
doesn't need to. It's getting compulsive.

She says that about
the way I stack the dishwasher.

Oh. Now who's being evasive?

- And who is Miss Wessel?
- I don't know.

Somebody's secretary. A Mr Somebody.

Do you think we could
narrow that down a bit?

Glanfield. Granger.
I'm sure it began with G.

Percival! That's it. A Mr Percival.

- I've never heard of him.
- That's cleared that up.

- Cleared what up?
- We were trying to think of a name.

- Oh? Whose?
- Whose?

Mantovani.

Mantovani? Why?

I don't remember.
It's funny how you get onto these things.

- Yes, it is, isn't it?
- It's funny.

This is a riveting conversation
but I think I'll go and start dinner.

- Who's in, who's out?
- I'm in.

- I'm out.
- Alistair said he'd pick you up at seven.

- Did he? Isn't that nice?
- And I'm in.

- Do you want a hand?
- No, thanks. I can manage.

Mantovani?

I said I didn't need any help.

I wasn't offering any.
I came to open a bottle of wine.

Oh.

My car needs a service.

Does it?

Perhaps you could do it after dinner.

You can throw something at me
if you like.

Not a wise thing to say
to somebody with a Kn*fe.

I was thinking more of a carrot.

- That was a silly thing to do.
- You said I could.

- I withdraw the offer, all right?
- No more cracks about one-man bands.

- Once, I said it.
- What about servicing the car?

Oh... a variation on a theme?

- Not funny.
- Not terribly, no.

Look. Jean.

Do you think
you could shell some peas?

I'd love to.

I'll get it.

- Hey, hey, Sandy.
- Hello, Alistair. Come in.

You look great.

What is it about girls in business suits?

With you, the same thing
it is about girls in anything.

This is true. Judy ready?

She's getting dressed.

Judy? Mr "What is it about
girls in business suits?" is here.

Shan't be a minute.

Well, I'm in here,
and the sixth form are in the kitchen.

Where do you want to wait?

Kitchen, I think.

Out of temptation's way.

Aah! Now isn't that
a picture of domestic bliss?

Oh.

Hey! Ha-ha-ha! You've dropped a carrot.

No, I didn't drop it, I threw it at Lionel.

Are you a great kidder or what?

- Not.
- Oh.

- Glass of wine?
- No thanks, Li.

Pea?

- I'd better wait in the living room.
- No, of course not. Sit down.

- Sorry.
- Jean's a bit prickly.

- I was apologising for both of us.
- You threw the carrot.

Come on! You two.

I don't expect to see you like this.

When I come round I expect to see you
relishing what time you have together.

- We're not at death's door!
- No, no, no.

I mean, with you still working
and Li settling for the slow lane of life.

The slow lane of life?

I tried to get a second book out of Li
this afternoon. He turned me down flat.

Seems to me he wants
to spend more time with you.

- Oh, I see.
- Which is an admirable ambition.

- But, I'm still working.
- Well, yes, pro tem.

What date did you plan for me to give up
work in your boys' get-together?

We didn't set any dates. You only came
up at the end of the conversation.

Another not very subtle attempt
to make me stop work.

- Wrong, wrong, wrong.
- Really, really, really?

- Hello, Alistair.
- Oh, Judy! Right, let's go.

And, listen, you two...

Bye, Jean.

Just...

Carrot...

Good luck with the peas, Li.

Well, need I say that you look
like an early Christmas present?

- Where shall we go?
- Well, I don't know about you

- but I'm going to a party.
- What?

- But I've called for you.
- I know, Lionel gave me the message.

"Alistair will pick you up about seven."

And... I have.

Yeah, but you forgot one little detail.

You didn't ask me first.

Judy, we don't have
that kind of relationship.

No, I know we don't.
That's just the trouble.

Have a nice evening.

You knew Judy was going out,
didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Guys can get hurt as well, Sandy.

- Very deeply hurt.
- Yes, I know they can.

But you're not one of them,
so stop overacting.

Let's face it,
you got just what you deserved.

You're probably right.

So... what are you doing this evening?

You heal quickly, don't you?

Just as mates, I mean.

All right. Nothing.
Do you want to take me out to dinner?

Hey! Oh... hang on.

This is part of a double whammy, isn't it?

We get outside the door, and then
you go to the same party as Judy.

I wasn't invited. But with the present
climate I don't fancy staying in.

I know what you mean. Bit chilly, isn't it?

- So let's get out of here.
- Just let me shut this down.

- Overtime?
- No, I'm just being nosy.

Jean missed an appointment today
with a Mr Percival.

I can't find him on our client list.

- Perhaps he's a new guy.
- Yes, must be.

I'd better tell Jean
I'm not in for dinner after all.

The only Percival I know
is a Harley Street guy.

Psychotherapist.
It's hardly likely to be him, is it?

No. Hardly.

You've done enough
for about ten people there.

Nobody told me to stop.

You don't have to be told to turn off
the taps when you run a bath.

It's easier to judge tap water than peas.

Would it be an awful nuisance
if I went out to dinner with Alistair?

No, not at all.
We haven't got enough peas, anyway.

- I thought Alistair was taking Judy out.
- No. She never intended to go.

Ooh, I found a couple
of Korean restaurants for you.

- Oh, it's all right, I've got a list of eight.
- I see. Well, I'll be off, then.

Mr Percival might be a psychotherapist.

What are you two whispering about?

Just girl talk.

Ask a silly question.

Why are you reading Winnie The Pooh?

I went to the library today.

You didn't say it was
the children's library.

No, I got some other books as well.

I thought I'd catch up on all the books
I think I've read but actually haven't.

I've got The Grapes Of Wrath,
Mill On The Floss and Moby-d*ck.

- Winnie The Pooh?
- Yeah.

- Don't you think you're a bit old for that?
- I wouldn't like to think so.

"The Piglet lived in a very grand house
in the middle of a beech tree,

"and the beech tree
was in the middle of the forest,

"and the Piglet lived
in the middle of the house.

"Next to his house
was a piece of broken board

"which had 'TRESPASSERS W' on it.

"When Christopher Robin
asked the Piglet what it meant,

"he said it was his grandfather's name,

"and had been in the family
for a long time."

Yes, you're right.
Nobody's too old to read that.

- Can I read it when you're finished?
- Yes, of course.

- If I have time.
- If you have time.

Do you want to start
on Moby-d*ck for now?

No, I don't think so.

- You used to call me Pooh, once.
- Cos you liked honey.

Wasn't cos I looked like him, was it?

He did stoutness exercises
and got wedged in a rabbit hole.

I've never seen you
wedged down a rabbit hole.

Seems a million years ago.

Do you want to talk?

- What about?
- I don't know.

You don't seem to be the happiest
little Pooh in the world, lately.

- I know.
- So I wondered if you wanted to talk.

No, thanks.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I went to see a psychotherapist today.

- Did you?
- You don't seem very surprised.

Oh, I am. I'm often very surprised
without sounding very surprised.

- Are you sure?
- So...

- What did he say?
- Nothing.

I got cold feet and bolted
out of the waiting room.

That message you took from
Miss Wessel, that was his secretary.

- Why did you run?
- I didn't think I should have been there.

Then I got talking to this chap
in the waiting room, as miserable as sin.

He told me how depressed he'd been

when he first started going
two years ago.

I suppose they can't cure everybody
straightaway.

Cure? What do you mean, cure?

- I don't need curing.
- All right, all right.

- Sorry.
- So what do you need?

Someone to talk to, I suppose.

- I hate to point out the obvious...
- I know. Not you.

- You have an interest.
- Of course I have.

- It's the wrong word. You're prejudiced.
- What about?

What it is I have to talk about, I suppose.

- Not making much sense, am I?
- Not a lot, no.

- I think I'll go to sleep.
- You're not going to sleep.

What are you going to do? Bounce
up and down on the bed all night?

You're going to make another
appointment to see Mr Peacock.

- Percival.
- Percival.

- Oh, but...
- No, there is no but.

You want to talk something through but
not with me, Judy or Sandy, talk to him.

But what if he's got a down on me
for running away?

If he's that childish, he shouldn't be
a psychotherapist. Now, phone him up.

Lionel, I don't mind you being masterful
but it is nearly midnight.

Oh, so it is.

Well, in the morning, then.

All right. In the morning.

- This worry of mine.
- Yes?

I want you to know that...
it's nothing to do with you.

Nothing you do ever upsets me.

Well, that's nice to know.

You're not going to read all night,
are you?

Oh, good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

- You ran away last time.
- No, I did not run away.

I just realised I made
two appointments for the same time.

As one of them
was with an overseas client,

I had no alternative but to keep that one.

That's all.

No, you ran away.

- You're 3:30 again, then?
- Yes.

And you're here an hour early
for the 4:30, I presume.

No, I'm 5:30 today.

I'm two hours early today.

I thought you said you were improving.

Oh, I am.
I've just had a bad week, that's all.

- You're not going to run away again?
- No, I'm not going to!

Not that I ran away the first time.

- Oh!
- Mr Percival will see you now.

- Right.
- I thought I'd cut off your line of retreat.

Just in case.

This all looks a bit obvious, doesn't it?

- What does?
- Us, all here like this.

It has a, "How did you get on
with the psychotherapist?" look.

- Well, that's what it is.
- I know!

- But we don't want to look like it.
- How should we look?

I don't know. Sort of...

Oh.

I've brought you all together
to name the m*rder*r.

Well, I saw Mr Percival.
But then, you know that.

He's a tall man with grey hair.

I think he has a slight limp
but I can't be too sure about that.

He didn't walk around a lot.
Well, he wouldn't, would he?

For your information,
the man's a complete waste of time.

Obviously went terribly well.

- Should we all...
- Perhaps we should.

No. We don't all want to follow her round
like a pack of bloodhounds.

- No, but someone should.
- All right, I will.

- Where's Lionel?
- I'm here.

- If you're going out again...
- No, no. Everybody sit down.

I want to talk to you.

Now, I suspect you all know
why I went to see Mr Percival.

We don't, actually.

Oh.

Is it an age thing?

No, it is not an age thing!

Well, it is in a way.

I've been thinking about giving up work.

I know you're all pleased,
so try not to look as if you're not.

But you see, the more I think about it,
the more I find excuses not to do it.

I've even been bringing home work to
check that I know doesn't need checking.

You didn't know that, did you?

Oh, you did.

Someone suggested
that I was a one-man band.

- That was me.
- Yes, well, you were right.

- Did you tell all this to Mr Percival?
- Yes.

And what did he say that made him
a waste of time?

He agreed with everything I said.

He said, "You know the answer.
Why pay me to confirm it?"

- Look, Mum...
- You see, after your father d*ed,

the business was all I had.

It filled in the hours.

It made me feel
I was doing something with my life.

- It isn't easy to let go.
- Nobody's saying that you have to.

No, just hints dropping
like great boulders.

I resent being described as a landslide.

And I suspect they do too.

We've all been pussyfooting around you
for weeks trying not to drop hints.

I know why you said you couldn't
talk to us cos we were prejudiced.

Of course we're prejudiced. You treat
Judy and Sandy like incompetents

who can't stick a stamp on an envelope
unless you're there to supervise.

- Oh, well...
- What is it you're agonising about?

It's hardly the fall
of the Roman Empire, is it?

It's you deciding whether there's more
to life than going to an office every day.

Well, I happen to think there is,
and that's my prejudice.

I'm going to shell some peas.

- Well, I ask you.
- No, I shouldn't, if I were you.

- I think he's right.
- Well, here goes my job.

I do, too.

King John must have felt like this
at Runnymede.

No, this time there is a difference.
The barons are on your side.

Well...

Which of you is going to take Mr Cho
to lunch next week?

If you want to throw carrots,
they're over there.

Are you still reading Winnie The Pooh?

Yes.

I'd better start Moby-d*ck, then.

You'll tell me when
I've done enough, won't you?

Oh, yes.

Everybody should be told
when they've done enough.

Aaagh!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪