06x05 - Alistair's Engagement

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Now, are you quite certain
that you're fit to travel?

We're fine, Mrs Bale, fully recovered.

- Thank you for looking after us.
- You were no trouble at all.

- Good.
- I didn't mean you.

- Oh.
- Well, off we go, back to the big city.

Now you've retired,
why don't you move here permanently?

I haven't retired, I just don't go to work.

- Is there a difference?
- Oh, yes.

- What is it?
- Lionel knows.

What?

Erm...

So do you think there's intelligent life
in space or not?

- I know there is.
- You can't know.

Well, somehow I know the difference
between giving up work and retiring.

You're not still wittering on about that?

Yes, I am. "Lionel knows."

Well, Lionel didn't, and found himself
making a complete fool of himself.

Mrs Bale said it was
a very interesting answer.

She was humouring me. Thought I was
still light-headed from that bug we had.

So what is the difference

- between giving up work and retiring?
- I don't know.

But I know there is one.
Oh, it's nice to be home, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Why does Mrs Bale always pack
a box of vegetables?

She doesn't think they sell them in
London. Come on, I'll put the kettle on.

Ah. Anybody home?

- The girls will be at work.
- Of course.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

You must be Jean and Lionel.

I'm Paul.

Your friendly neighbourhood burglar.

I'm Paul. I've been going out with Judith.

Oh! That Paul.

As ever was. I was going to make a cup
of tea before I went. Would you like one?

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Sit yourselves down. Shan't be a tick.

- Anyone like a biscuit?
- Er... no, thank you.

Custard tart, Lionel? Judy warned me
not to eat any on pain of death.

No, thank you.

Hope I didn't come
as too much of a surprise

but I didn't have to be in work until late
so I had a lie-in.

Oh, no, that's...

Well, we're not shocked or anything.

Shocked? Oh, I see, yes,
that kind of shocked.

After all, we're, er...
we're not out of the Ark.

No, of course not.

Judy says you can be quite young
for your age. Sometimes.

Does she?

Erm... how's your wife?

Fine. So far as I know.

She's at Southampton University.

- A mature student.
- You don't see her often, then?

Not so much as never, really.

Still, these things do happen.

Yes.

- I got divorced.
- Did you?

Seemed the thing to do.

- Did it?
- Yes, but Lionel didn't have children,

so there were no custody battles.

Well, mine are 19 and 16.
Bit old for custody.

Yes, I suppose so.

There's something cleaner
about divorce.

- Cleaner?
- Erm...

Absolute, I mean.

It really, er, ends the chapter, doesn't it?

Ready for the next chapter.

If there is to be another chapter.

- I'm very fond of Judy.
- I didn't mention Judy.

Call me highly intuitive.

- We're very fond of Judy.
- Yes. Yes, of course you are.

I don't mean to sound evasive but I can't
give you the answers you're looking for.

- No one said anything about answers.
- I did.

I'm not a very forward-looking person
at the moment.

I don't fall into patterns, I just live life
as it goes, see what happens.

I said I couldn't give the answers
you were looking for.

Well, that's very, er...

- honest of you.
- Not reassuring, but honest.

Sorry.

I've got to go. I'm covering
a basketball match in Manchester.

Oh. You're a sports journalist.

Yeah. Only sort to be. On the move
all the time. Here, there, everywhere.

- Do you like cricket, Lionel?
- Yes, I do.

I'll fix you up with tickets
for the Lord's Test in the summer.

Oh.

Thanks very much.

Seems a long time away, summer.

Yes. Well, nice to have met you both,
anyway.

I'll see you out. Oh, do you have a bag?

No. No, I don't have a bag.

- Bye, Lionel.
- Bye!

He doesn't have a bag.

It's the Australians this year.

- Doing what?
- Cricket, Test match.

Oh, he'll forget about those tickets.

- How do you know?
- He seems that sort of chap.

I see.

- Quite personable.
- Oh, yes.

Quite personable.

- Where are you going?
- To get the stuff from the car.

- Do you have to do that now?
- I just thought I would.

It's no good burying your head
in the sand.

- We have a situation.
- You sound like NASA control.

You know what I mean.
You heard him, he's a gypsy.

He's probably going to Manchester
in a horse-drawn caravan.

- Where are you going now?
- To get the stuff from the car

or to bury my head in the sand.

You don't care, do you?

Yes, I do care, as a matter of fact.

But it's time you stopped being a mother
hen and let Judy get on with her own life.

- Is it?
- Yes.

- What if she makes a mess of it?
- Then we help her to pick up the pieces.

You think she will make a mess of it.

How should I know? I'm not Mystic Meg.

I'm not asking you to look into a crystal
ball, I'm asking you for an opinion.

Well, some people make a mess
of their lives, some don't.

- Oh, that's very profound.
- Well, it's true.

Fate, luck, call it what you like.
I know I made a mess of mine.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, not this bit.

The big slab of it without you in it.

Your letter never arrives in Korea

so I act like a... a complete twerp.

I assume you've lost interest and don't
even bother to write to you to find out.

- That is messing up a life.
- I should have written again.

- I should have written.
- I should.

- Anyway, we didn't.
- No.

- But we did meet up again.
- Yes.

All we missed out on was about 40 years.

All right, but we did meet again.

We got a happy ending out of our mess.

Yeah, we did.

So some messes do come right.

- Against the odds, yes.
- Good.

Yes, good.

But do you think that Judy's won't?

Sorry for Alistair? Why?

Well, he really is trying to get you back,
isn't he?

I thought sending a herald round
to ask you out to dinner was sweet.

His feather was falling out
and his tights were baggy.

Then turning up himself
on horseback, in armour.

- Which squeaked.
- You could have oiled him.

- That's the trouble with Alistair.
- He doesn't normally squeak.

He only wants me
when I'm not available. When I am...

Oh. Jean and Lionel are back.

Oh, yeah. I wonder when they got back.

I wonder.

I hate it when you smile like that.

- Hi, Mum!
- Hello, love!

Ah.

- Hello, Sandy.
- Nice break in the country?

- We spent most of it in bed.
- Oh, yes?

- With a bug.
- Oh. Are you feeling better now?

Well, I'm working and Lionel's back
on the custard tarts, so we must be.

You're working? I thought that you'd...

- Retired? Yes, I have.
- So why would you be working?

I thought I'd formalise everything.

You two will run the place
and I'll stay on in an advisory capacity.

It's all right, I don't intend
to sit on a perch in the office every day.

When would you be in the office?

Well, if I'm needed
in an advisory capacity.

But you wouldn't need
to come into the office for that.

- Well, I might.
- Might you?

- If I'm needed.
- In an advisory capacity?

Yes, I don't want to lose touch
altogether.

- No.
- No, of course not.

I could always turn up and snoop around
disguised as a charlady.

I feel unwanted.

- It's not that, it's...
- You want to run things your way.

Well, you can.
That's why I've given up work.

I just haven't retired, that's all.

So that's that.
Oh, by the way, we met Paul.

Excuse me.

- Did you?
- Yes, he'd had a lie-in.

- How did you get on?
- Oh, very well.

- I think he's a nice chap.
- Yes?

Very personable.

I bet the first thing you and Sandy do
is have the office redecorated.

I mean, how can you stop going to work
and not retire?

That's what Mrs Bale asked.

- What did Jean say?
- She left it to me to explain.

How did you do?

Mrs Bale's eyes glazed over
after the first minute.

I mean, not that Jean's
really doing either.

Did you know, she's decided to stay on
in an advisory capacity?

No, I didn't.

Is that an official way of saying she can
stick her nose in when she feels like it?

- I wouldn't put it quite like that.
- How would you put it?

Yes, I'd put it exactly like that.

- I can't keep her locked up.
- I suppose not.

- Glass of wine?
- Ooh, yes, please.

- I think we're confined to the kitchen.
- Why's that?

Because the inquisition is at work
in the living room.

It started quietly. "Oh, by the way,
we met Paul this morning." Very casual.

- You've met Paul?
- Yes.

- Why?
- What do you think of him?

He's nice enough.

- Nice enough for what?
- Just... generally.

You're not worried as well, are you?

- As well?
- Oh, come on, you know Jean.

If Judy were to start going out
with the Pope she'd worry.

I don't think the Pope's allowed
to go out with girls.

- You know what I mean.
- I do, unfortunately.

- So this is where the drinkers gather.
- We're keeping out of the f*ring line.

Is this half-time or what?

We ended up discussing whether you
and I would get the office redecorated.

All she had to say about Paul
is that he was a nice chap.

- That's not like her.
- That's what I thought.

I'll get it!

That's probably the private detective
she's hired.

Don't you start.

- Have you had a word with her?
- We have lots.

I mean a well-chosen one.

I think you should credit your mother
with some discretion.

Not her strong point.

- It's Alistair.
- Is he on a horse?

- No, he's not.
- What's he dressed as?

- As Alistair.
- Where is he?

He's hanging upside down in the attic.

He's in the living room,
he wants to talk to us.

- By us, you mean Judy.
- I don't think we have a lot to talk about.

We'll never know if we stay here.

- He said us.
- Perhaps he was being polite.

If we barge in and he does want Judy...

Well, I'll go and ask.

I'm sorry, Alistair.
Do you want to talk to Judy?

- Of course.
- I'll send her in.

No, but...

- Well?
- Yes, thank you. Yourself?

- Mum said that you wanted to talk to me.
- Yes, I do.

- Go on, then.
- I want to talk to Jean as well.

I see.

- Mum!
- I want to talk to everybody.

Lionel, Sandy!

I did say
that you didn't just want to talk to me.

- It's not that...
- I said he said us.

Talk about overcomplicating things.

- Hello, Alistair.
- Hi, Li. Hi, gorgeous.

- Hello.
- Oh!

Oh, it's just like family, isn't it?

What a nice thing to say.
What is it you want to talk about?

I'm engaged.

You know, as in... engaged.

To be married!

- Well, congratulations, Alistair.
- Thanks, Li!

I am open to hugs.

Oh, yes, of course.

- Congratulations, Alistair.
- Thank you.

- Congratulations, Alistair.
- Thanks.

Judy? No hard feelings?

No. No, no, of course not.

I was just, erm...

Well, it's all a bit sudden, isn't it?

You know me.
Impulsive is my middle name.

I know about your impulses but marriage
never seemed to be one of them.

Two weeks ago you were dressed
in armour pledging your troth to Judy.

- But she didn't troth back.
- I did say how hard you were trying.

Yes, I thought that,
even if you did look ridiculous.

Hey, I was trying, but a guy can only
take no just so many times.

I don't remember
you actually proposing marriage.

- You wouldn't even come out to dinner.
- We did all that, remember?

But why suddenly rush into marriage?

As the song says...

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

Well, it must have been. What's she like?

Will you stop doing that?

We shouldn't be quizzing him,
it's none of our business.

- We're family.
- We are not.

But you are, Li. Which is why I wanted
to tell you about Mercury.

Mercury?

Well, that's her name.

Mercury?

Yes.

Oh.

I want you all to meet her.
How does dinner tomorrow grab you?

- Ah...
- We'd love it.

- I'm not family.
- You are.

- You'll come?
- Rather!

- Judy?
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Sandy, er... what are you doing
this evening?

I don't believe you asked that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I mean,
you'll keep an eye on Judy, won't you?

Console her, you mean?

Well, yes.

- Did I say something?
- Don't ask me.

Alistair, Judy's not heartbroken. She's
got a relationship of her own going.

Oh, that's right. George, isn't it?

No, Paul.
We've met him, haven't we, Lionel?

Mm. He's going to get me tickets
for the Lord's Test.

- Is he?
- Yes, he's a really nice chap.

We took to him straightaway, didn't we?

- Did we?
- Well, I did.

Lionel takes longer to sum people up
than I do.

No, I like Paul very much.
And Judy likes him too.

Well, she's a great girl.

Then why are you letting her go?

- He's engaged.
- Well, let, then.

Even a guy like me runs out of ideas
eventually, Jean.

I suppose I just wasn't what she wanted.

Look, let me be frank. You've not got
engaged on the rebound, have you?

- Really!
- Let me be frank as well.

You'll know the answer
when you meet Mercury.

Yes, talking of which,
could Judy bring Paul along?

- She might not want to.
- Of course she would.

Fine, then.
I'll, er... l'll e-mail you the details.

- What's wrong with phoning?
- Li, move with the times, please.

- See you tomorrow. Ciao.
- Bye, Alistair.

I'll go and start dinner.

Bye, Judy.
Look forward to meeting Paul.

What do you mean?

Mum?

Mum, what did he mean he's looking
forward to meeting Paul?

She's in the kitchen.

And pleading the Fifth Amendment,
I decline to answer.

Why is Alistair looking forward
to meeting Paul?

I just thought
you'd like to take him tomorrow.

- You've invited him, haven't you?
- Not personally.

Why?

If Alistair's showing off this Mercury,
I thought you'd like to show off Paul.

He's not a trophy.
Besides, you don't even like him.

I do, I told you, I thought he was nice.

Oh, yes, and that's all you said.

Which means you were being diplomatic,
which means you don't like him.

- Did you hear that?
- Yes. Spot-on, wasn't it?

No.

You didn't have a good word
to say for him.

- I said he's very personable.
- Exactly.

What were you saying to Alistair?

"He's a really nice chap.
We took to him straightaway."

- Well, I like Alistair.
- Against my better judgment, so do I.

But if there's any logic in that remark
I fail to see it.

Well, we know Alistair. He's got his faults
but he's been very kind to this family.

I still don't see why, just because you...

- You're not?
- In his heart it's always been Judy.

He's just got engaged to another woman.

Yes, but he's a bit of a fly-by-night,
it mightn't last.

And you want a bit of a fly-by-night
for Judy?

At least he's a nice fly-by-night.

I give up, I really do.

I wonder what this Mercury's like.

I'm not sure I can actually bring myself
to call anyone Mercury.

It could be worse.

She could be called British Telecom.

Come in.

- I'm ready.
- I'm ageing.

This is taking longer and longer.

- What?
- Is that it?

- What's wrong with it?
- It's bordering on the matronly.

You're as bad as Mum. You both expect
me to get all glammed up

just to show Alistair what he's missing.

No. I expect you to get all glammed up
to show Paul what he's got.

Well, Paul can't come. He phoned.

He's got to cover an ice hockey game
in Sheffield.

Oh, I see. Rather short notice, isn't it?

What do you mean by that?

Nothing. I'd have thought Paul would
have known what he was doing tonight.

What if w*r had broken out?

- A w*r?
- Yes.

- What w*r?
- I don't know, some w*r.

If Paul were a w*r correspondent,
he'd be sent off at short notice.

I suppose he would. But it's not on
the same scale as an ice hockey match.

It's the same principle. Journalists
get sent places at short notice.

- This hasn't happened before, has it?
- No, it hasn't happened before.

- Look, Paul is a nice bloke.
- Course he is.

It's only one evening.

- Now don't say that you're fond of me.
- Why not?

Because that's what Mum says when
she thinks I'm going out with a disaster.

- I didn't say that Paul was a disaster.
- No, fair enough.

You'd better call Jean "Mum"
and me "Mother".

So you're still wearing that, then?

- Well, it's comfortable.
- Comfortable?

Why not slip into a beige cardie
and have done with it?

I'll take one with me in case it turns cold.

This is a very defeatist attitude.

I'm not defeated. Paul can't come. I'm not
interested in impressing anybody else.

Whatever you say. Even so...

Be honest. What chance have I got
of out-glamming

- someone called Mercury?
- You don't know that she's glamorous.

I bet she makes Claudia Schiffer
look dowdy.

- Even so...
- And she'll speak eight languages.

- Even so...
- Stop saying "even so",

I'm too old for those kind of games.

Even so...

I'll go and get changed.

- Are we early?
- No, we're unfashionably punctual.

- I think I'll just go to the loo.
- Yes, me too.

Why do women always go to the loo
in droves?

- I wouldn't call two a drove.
- Well, collectively, then.

Judy's nervous about meeting Mercury.

- Why should she be?
- Well, I ask you. Mercury?

- It's just a name.
- Of sorts.

You're gonna hate her on sight,
aren't you?

- I don't know yet.
- Yes, you do.

I suppose Judy wouldn't be
nervous at all if she was called Gert.

Nobody's called Gert any more.

I didn't think anybody
was called Mercury.

It's a shame Paul had to cover
that ice hockey match in Sheffield.

Yes.

- Why do you say yes like that?
- I didn't say it like anything.

I meant, yes, it's a shame.

Lionel, you didn't.

- I wasn't going to tell you.
- Tell me what?

- I was reading the paper...
- He's in it. What's he done?

No, he's not in it.
But the sports fixtures are.

There isn't an ice hockey match
in Sheffield tonight.

- Oh, dear.
- Yeah.

- That's what I thought.
- Does Judy know?

I don't think she reads the sports pages.

You're not still expecting
those tickets for Lord's?

- No.
- "Let her get on with her own life."

- I know.
- So do we tell her?

They're coming back.

- You both look very serious.
- Not at all.

We were laughing
at something Lionel said.

Oh, what was that?

- I'm not a sneak by nature.
- I don't think that's very funny.

No, I was just prefacing a statement.

- Which is the joke.
- It isn't a joke.

Judy... I think there's a time to sneak.

This, erm, ice hockey game
that Paul was supposed to be covering.

- There isn't one.
- What?

There are no ice hockey fixtures at all.

I didn't pry. I didn't butt in.
I didn't make a phone call.

I just happened to look
at the sports pages.

- Oh, I see.
- Are toads taking over the world?

I'm sorry, love. I didn't like him,
but I am sorry.

I said that you didn't.

I'm all right. It was never gonna be
the romance of the century.

I just hope the next time
he covers the rugby

he gets trampled on
by the entire English pack.

It's Mercury time.

Judy, if you don't want to do this...

Mum, I can't miss seeing the woman
that can make Alistair propose.

- Lionel, your mouth's open.
- Sorry.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hi, guys.

Hello, Alistair.
We thought that was Mercury.

What, the plain girl?

Hey, it's great to see you all.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Mercury's not coming.

Well, why?

The engagement's off.

- That must be some sort of record.
- Lionel!

Lionel's right. I didn't have time
to buy the engagement ring.

- Think of it as a saving.
- Cold feet, Alistair?

No, apparently it all suddenly seemed
like a bad idea.

- What do you mean by apparently?
- It was Mercury who broke it off.

- I see.
- Did she?

What about your guy, Judy?
Er, John, isn't it?

- Paul.
- No, he sent his apologies

but he was called away to, erm,
a... hockey match in Sheffield.

- Ice hockey.
- Yes, yes. It was obviously important.

- Put another way, he stood me up.
- Which makes him a total twerp.

- What sort of a guy would do that?
- You did it often enough.

Now, Judy, that's not true.

I wasn't around sometimes but I never
stood you up when I was around.

- Yes, there is a difference.
- But it's all on a scale of unreliability.

- Li?
- What?

Well, sometimes it takes a guy
to understand a guy.

This isn't one of those times.

- You said she was plain.
- Never.

No, not Judy, that... ten-foot blonde
that came in ahead of you.

Did I? I must have been comparing her
to Mercury.

Hey, I'm only being honest.

Sandy and I had her down
as speaking ten languages.

No.

- Only five that I knew about.
- Practically illiterate.

Mercury must have been
quite something.

Quite something.

Somebody's got to ask.
Why did she break off the engagement?

She said that I wasn't all there.

- Oh, that's rather rude.
- No, no, I mean commitment-wise.

"Ali," she said...

She always used to call me Ali.

"Ali, I never feel that I have all of you.

"It's as though a part of you
is always somewhere else."

Where?

Perhaps she was right.

Erm...
Are we going to eat or what?

- Perhaps we should...
- If you want to eat alone...

No, no, no. It wouldn't be fair of me
to use a situation like this.

Let's all just have
a great meal together, hmm?

Perhaps there'll be other times
for me and Judy.

- Let's eat.
- Yes.

I want another look at that plain girl
as we go past.

Alistair...

if you're serious,

we know you're a bit of a fly-by-night,

just try not to fly by night quite so often.

I want another look at that plain girl, too.

- Alistair...
- Mm?

I thought you gave up a bit quickly
after the squeaky armour let you down.

- Sorry?
- Own up.

There never was a Mercury, was there?

- Li! You don't seriously believe?
- Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪