07x01 - Pardon?

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- Go!
- Come on!

- Nippy, isn't it?
- Just a bit, yes.

- You wearing thermals?
- No, I'm not wearing thermals.

You ought to. "Hello, boys" they're not,
but they do the job.

- Which one's yours?
- That one.

Mmm, dishy.

He's mine. The Neanderthal one.

Oh, he's very... Very...

Neanderthal.

But he's a sweetie.

- Ah, all over.
- Thank goodness.

Absolutely. Another five minutes
and we'd have lost.

Well played, lads, well played.

- Great game, wasn't it?
- Terrific.

- I'll see you in the bar.
- Yeah, see you in the bar.

Harry!

The England captain very satisfied,

but, Gavin Hastings,
that score line somewhat cruel...

Cruel, but I think
the last half an hour,

all the pressure that was building
the whole game took its toll.

There's only so much defending...

I love rugby.

The match finished
five minutes ago.

I didn't mean that sort of rugby.

More champagne or shall I explain
to you what a maul is again?

No, I think I got the hang already.

Oi! Except for the tickling.

Well, you're bigger than I am.

Right.

- Where are you going?
- To run a shower.

It's a post-match tradition.

They're good at rucking,
good at upsetting the opposition...

They just need to be able to control
for longer periods...

Hello!

Oh, who won the rugby?

Yes, it's just finished.

What?

- What?
- What do you mean, "It's just finished"?

You asked if I watched the rugby,
I said, "It's just finished."

I said, "Who won the rugby?"

Oh.

Oh, we did.

- Oh, who is we?
- Us, England.

This sceptred isle
set in a silver sea, all that.

Oh, good.

- Well, don't get too excited.
- Well, it's only a game.

I hate it when women say that.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Is that better?
- A bit excessive, isn't it?

Look, when we lost
to France last season,

for a month you wouldn't buy anything
French from Marks & Spencer's.

That was different. That was France.

Who was it today, the Isle of Man?

- Italy, if you must know.
- Thank goodness we won.

We're having pasta tonight.

Sandy's watching Harry
play rugby this afternoon.

Yes, I know. I think a police team
has an unfair advantage.

- Why?
- Well...

Think of the impact as all those pointed
helmets go down in the scrum.

He's so nice. I wish you'd stop
making police jokes.

I don't do it to his face.

Just as well. Your road tax is out of date.

Very funny.

Do you want lasagne or cannelloni?

- Yes, that's fine.
- Which?

- Which what?
- Cos really I don't mind.

- What don't you mind?
- If we have lasagne or cannelloni.

Why suddenly introduce
lasagne into the conversation?

I didn't suddenly introduce it. I asked
if you'd prefer lasagne or cannelloni,

you said, "That's fine."
You did hear what I said?

- Of course I heard you.
- So why do you say, "Yes, that's fine"?

- Well, because...
- Yes?

I have faith in your culinary skills.
Whatever you cook will be delicious.

As opposed to not having heard
what I said in the first place.

- Yes.
- Hmm.

What does "Hmm" mean?

I hope we don't
lose to France this season.

God forbid.

A verdict on England's
performance...

I thought we'd eat in.
Saves getting dressed, doesn't it?

- I love subtlety.
- So do I. What did you have in mind?

Erm, something to eat actually.

As you wish.

- Oh, what is it about men?
- Hey, modesty forbids.

As a general rule,
when a woman says she's hungry

the man expects her to cook something.

Judy, I have never been the general rule.

So, you're going to cook dinner?

I've sent out for something.
There's a very decent local caff.

You're right. You never have been
the general rule.

Mm, thanks.

- What were you just thinking about?
- Mm?

Sandy.

Not that sort of thought.
Sandy's a mate.

No, I was just thinking that guy-wise
she doesn't seem to have a lot of luck.

What's her new one like?

Harry? He's nice.

He's a policeman.

Where does a girl go with a policeman?

This afternoon she's gone
to see him play rugby.

No, I meant long term.

Since when have you
ever thought long term?

A guy gets older, Judy... Even me.

Anyway, you shouldn't judge
someone by what they do

or where they live
or how much money they've got.

No, of course not.

It doesn't hurt though, does it?

This will be dinner.

Enrico! Meraviglioso! Come stai?
Va bene.

Enrico, a prince among caff owners.

For you, Signor Deacon,
it's always a pleasure.

- Yeah.
- Avanti, avanti.

Avanti.

Some beautiful flowers
for a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Hello, I was just gonna make coffee.
Want some?

Oh, yes, please.

- I've been to a rugby match.
- Yes, I did. England won.

- Hello, Sandy.
- Oh, there you are.

- What are you doing down there?
- I'm looking for an eye.

- An eye?
- Yes, that chap's.

There are only a few pieces left.
There's no eye amongst them.

I think jigsaw manufacturers

leave one piece out deliberately
just to drive you crackers.

No, just a tick...

There it is.

I thought that was a flower.

No, look.

Oh, I need new glasses.

Pardon?

The eye was there. Sandy found it.

You said that was a flower.

Don't be so cocky, you agreed with me.

No, not on the jigsaw!

- I'm not gonna stand here holding it.
- Just push...

- No, it'll break!
- It won't, not if we do it carefully.

The trick is...

Oh, oh! Sandy!

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Can I put this down now?

If you'd just brought the mugs
in the first place...

- What?
- Never mind.

So, where did you and Harry
go this afternoon?

I watched him play rugby. I told you.

- When?
- When I came in.

So you did, of course you did.

- Who were they playing?
- I don't know.

- Another lot of policemen.
- Did the referee make any arrests?

- Lionel!
- Sorry.

I watched Lionel play rugby once.

Of course it was
a square ball in those days.

I don't even like rugby.

Nor did I, but you have to watch
when your chap's playing.

Apparently.

You must have had a nice meal
after the match.

Baked beans and sausages
in the club bar.

Ooh! I could go that now.

- I'm not cooking it.
- Neither am I.

It was just a thought. I don't think
we've got any baked beans anyway.

I mean, Harry loves sport,
I do know that.

But it's all we do.

Either I watch him play sport
or we watch somebody else play sport.

What, no sport of your own?

Unless you count
stumbling around on an ice rink

and getting a sore behind.

It might be worth a look.
We might have some somewhere.

Baked beans!

I'd hardly gone into any spicy details.

- Had I?
- Are there any spicy details?

None.

I sat with the girls,
that's what they call us,

while the chaps stood at the bar,

sang rugby songs and did silly tricks
with pints of beer.

Oh, whatever happened to romance?

It is still around.

Yes, I know. Look at you and Lionel.

- Us?
- Yes.

Lionel's still very romantic at heart.

He still says romantic things.

Typical. We did have
some baked beans after all,

but there isn't a sausage in the house!

Well, what... what's funny?

We were just saying romance isn't dead.

- Who's dead?
- No, nobody's dead!

We're just saying
romance isn't dead!

There's no need to shout. I'm not deaf!

- There you go, sir.
- Thank you very much.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Thinking of buying?

They're really very good.
Very good indeed.

Mine's developed
a high-pitched whistle

but I'm sure they'll sort it out.

- Li?
- Yes.

- Going deaf?
- Yes.

- Li?
- No, Beethoven.

I'm sorry, just that
it's a major thing to take in.

I mean, Li is
my main man, my best mate.

He might not accept the term, but he is.

You are sure?

Yes, it's been going on for weeks now.

Lots of "Pardons?" and "What's?",

all irritable and if you're over ten feet
away he can't hear you at all.

Has my lovely lady Jean
noticed anything?

You can't miss it,
but she hasn't said anything to him.

Somebody's got to say something.

Yeah...

Like his best mate?

It's a horrible expression, isn't it?

- "Losing one's faculties."
- I didn't say that.

I know. It's just a horrible expression.
I just wish that Lionel would own up.

If he doesn't, we're all going to have to
start talking very loudly, aren't we?

Lionel's very fond of you, Sandy.

Ah, and I'm very... Oh, no!

No, no! He really is very fond of you.

He won't be if I tell him, will he?

He's very fond of Judy too.

Yes, but he loves you.

I know, but what do I say?

- Use your diplomatic skills.
- What skills?

Those that come with age...
maturity.

- And wisdom.
- Mine haven't arrived yet.

- Nemesis!
- You'll stay?

- Have I ever let you down?
- No.

- There's always a first time.
- Sandy!

- Hello, Lionel.
- What's the hurry?

Cowardice.

Did she say cowardice?

- Yes.
- What's she talking about?

Cowardice, I suppose.

- Why?
- Just making conversation.

I don't know why I bother asking
questions in this house sometimes.

Oh, I got some sausages.

That's nice.

- You haven't looked at them yet.
- No, I said, "That's nice."

Oh.

Lionel, I think you're getting a bit deaf.

Pardon?

- Shall we sit down?
- Yes, all right.

- He makes them himself.
- Who does?

- The butcher, the sausages.
- Oh.

- Erm...
- Have you got something to say to me?

- Yes, I have.
- Go on, then.

The thing is, that eye,

I really did think it was a flower.

I think I might need
a stronger prescription for my glasses.

Oh, I see.

I mean, it's common sense.
There's no shame attached.

- Of course not.
- No. Opticians are there, aren't they?

They make glasses.
Well, I don't know that they make them,

but they prescribe lenses for frames
made by somebody else,

and if there is a deterioration
in one's eyesight,

then they prescribe different lenses.

There's nothing wrong in that.

No, it's a flawless description
of an optician's job.

There's nothing wrong
in my wanting to go to an optician.

- Of course not.
- I'm facing up to the facts.

That's the doorbell.

- I'll get it.
- I haven't finished.

Let me take in the first bit first.

What happened to patience?

- Hello.
- Hi, Li!

- Sorry. I forgot my key.
- That's all right. Hello, Alistair.

Li, could we have a word?

Yes, if we must. Come through.

Is Mum in the kitchen?

Sit down, Alistair.

Thanks.

Well? This word?

Oh. Right.

First of all, Li, I love you.

I do wish you wouldn't
say things like that.

OK, but it's said
and it was meant.

Is there something
wrong with your mouth?

No. Why?

Because when you talk, your jaw
wobbles, and you're shouting as well.

- Am I?
- Mmm.

Sorry. Is that better?

Yes, that's fine.

But we are sitting quite close together.

As long as we don't sit
unnaturally close, I don't mind.

OK. Good.

Right, here goes.

Li, I am aware of a problem.

You've noticed then?

I can't say I have because I haven't been
around too much lately,

but Judy has and she tells me
that Sandy has too.

She's worried about her eyes.

- Who, Sandy?
- No, Jean!

- Is she?
- You said you were aware of a problem.

- I know I did.
- Well, that is the problem!

Jean is worried about her eyesight.

Did you hear what I said?

- Yes.
- It only struck me this morning.

She's worried about her eyesight.

I mean, she says a "slight" change
in prescription,

but I'm sure she's worried
that it's more serious than that.

Li, I'm so sorry.

Thank you, but let's not
get it out of proportion.

I love Jean dearly,
but she is a worrier,

and the chances are that a slight change
in prescription is all she needs.

Let's hope so.

Excuse me.

- Who are you phoning?
- A guy I know.

- Hi, Guy.
- Hi, who's that?

It's Alistair.

Comment ?a va? Ah, tres bien.

Listen, Guy, I know it's Sunday

but I wonder if you
could do me a little favour.

This is very noble of Alistair.

Lionel's not going to k*ll him, is he?

It's gone very quiet.
Perhaps he's done it already.

- He will break it gently, won't he?
- Of course he will.

You know Alistair's
really a very caring person.

How did you get on?

I might not tell you, running off like that.

Oh, go on and I'll finish off the ironing.

Well, there's actually nothing to tell.

I was getting round to it
and Alistair arrived, thank goodness.

- That only postpones the inevitable.
- No, he's breaking the news to Lionel.

Brave man. Shh!

Jean, might we have
a word with you, please?

You don't have to go.

No, Li. We've had our guy-to-guy thing.

Now it's a guy-to-girl thing.

When you've wagged chins,
come across the road, I'll buy you a half.

- Ciao!
- I'll see you later.

How did it go?

Well, he thought it was
a personal matter, I suppose.

No, I said, "How did it go?"

Oh, very well indeed.

Oh, good.

And you're all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was trying to lead up to it.

Yes, I realise that,

but all that babble in the kitchen
about eye tests and lenses.

It's a difficult subject to broach.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Despite the babble, I realised what
you were talking about as I let Alistair in.

- I'm glad you talked it over with him.
- He can listen when he wants to.

There's no shame in any of this.

No! I don't know
why you keep using the word.

The important thing is,
what's the next step?

- It's been taken.
- Oh?

That's another thing about Alistair,
he always knows the right people.

Anyway, he's arranged
an appointment for tomorrow morning

with one of the top men in the field.

Oh, that is a relief.

An appointment
which has to be kept.

Absolutely.

I think we can both
draw a lesson from this.

If something like this comes up again,

we can save ourselves a lot of worry
if we just come straight to the point

and don't go round the houses.

- It would certainly make life simpler.
- It certainly would.

I think I'll pop over and have
that swift half with Alistair now.

Off you go, then.

- Lionel?
- Mm?

I'm only going to the pub.

I'm just proud of you, that's all.

- You wouldn't expect me to do nothing?
- No.

Don't worry, Alistair assures me
that this guy... man,

is one of the top eye specialists in
the land. You couldn't be in better hands.

How did it go?

I think you could say,
"Not exactly as planned."

Lionel hasn't backed out
of having his ears tested?

No, he's arranged for me
to have my eyes tested.

You know, something
just occurred to me.

What's that?

When you came in with Judy,
you said you wanted a word with me,

then I introduced the subject of
Jean's eyesight and we talked about that.

What I'm saying is that you never got
around to having your word.

Ah. No one else has
brought the subject up then?

Why do I find myself
becoming suspicious?

- Not angry?
- I don't know yet.

Come on, spit it out. What is it
you want to say to me?

Judy and I had
a little talk this morning.

Oh? Where did you go?

No, not a little walk...

a little talk.

And?

Li, Judy is worried
you might be getting a bit deaf.

What?

- I said...
- I heard what you said!

I've never heard so much
nonsense in all my life!

Next Saturday will be better,
with the club dance after the match.

Assuming the chaps dance
with the girls and not each other.

Oh!

Oh.

Judy must have taken it.

We had a rugby club dance once,
I think it was called a ball in those days.

- Lionel wouldn't take me.
- That was mean.

No, he was being protective.

Why would he need to be protective
about a rugby club dance?

Well, he said they tended
to get a bit boisterous.

That doesn't bode well, does it?

- I expect things have changed.
- Really?

I think we might be needing this.

That was Alistair on the phone.
He finally got around to telling Lionel.

- And he's just stormed out of the pub.
- Oh!

Look, come on, he's not violent, is he?

- Not so far, no.
- Look, you two go.

No point three of us getting bashed up.

No, we'll stay. Have you never heard
of girl power?

In our days it was called flirting.

He doesn't sound
in a very flirty mood.

Hello, Lionel.

D'you know what that fool
in the pub told me?

- No.
- You do! You're all in on it, aren't you?

Let me tell you. I am not a boy!

- Nobody said...
- May I finish?

And because I am not a boy,

my knees cr*ck if I stand up too quickly,

I have been known to doze off
in front of the television

and, believe it or not, I admit to missing
the odd word in a conversation.

But I am not ready
for an ear trumpet yet!

- Have you finished?
- For the moment, yes.

Firstly, no one mentioned
an ear trumpet.

Secondly, you are
not missing the odd word,

you are missing more
and more words all the time.

- Rubbish!
- No, Mum's right, Lionel.

When I asked you if Mum was
in the kitchen you didn't even answer.

That's because I didn't know.

What about when I came in last night?

I said, "I've been to a rugby match"
and you said, "I did. England won."

- Well, they did.
- Oh, really!

Look, before we start
"Oh, really-ing," consider this.

I think that all three of you have got
unnaturally soft voices.

For God's sake.

Yes, you have.

It's a wonder I hear anything at all
with you whispering all the time!

- Oh, really!
- You're doing it again.

- Well, really!
- How about when you're watching telly?

You have the sound up full blast.

It's the BBC's fault. The sound level's
never the same between programmes.

Stop making silly excuses
and face up to facts.

You make it sound like an accusation.

We all care about you
and we want to help.

You can't turn a blind eye
to your hearing.

Is that a mixed metaphor?

I know what it is.
You know and I know.

Consider this.

Consider this.
If I'm supposed to be getting deaf,

why, despite your soft voices,

have I heard every
word that you've said?

It could because not one of us
is more than four feet away!

Exactly! Judy, stand over there.

Sandy, stand over here!

- Oh, really!
- Don't you start.

- Now Judy, say something.
- Say what?

I don't know, anything!

I think it might
rain this afternoon.

- All right, I didn't hear it.
- Nor did I.

- This afternoon?
- I think it might rain this afternoon.

Normally. I didn't ask you to whisper.

- I think it might rain...
- No, you already said that!

Get Sandy to say something.

Erm... why do rugby club dances
get boisterous?

Well?

Something about oysters?

Boisterous!

- She whispered as well!
- I did not.

I heard every word she said.

- Oysters!
- Oh, very well, then.

- You sit there. Just sit down there!
- All right, all right.

Now, no glasses.

Now, what card am I holding up?

I don't know, it's facing you.

Sorry. Right, go on then.

Er...

the eight of...

Right! This one!

- Queen of hearts.
- Wrong! The king of hearts.

But she did get the right suit.

Right. Which is clearer,
the black or the red?

- Oh, this is absurd!
- Of course it's absurd.

You don't test hearing
by whispering in a corner

any more than you test someone's
eyesight by waving playing cards!

Which is why,
although I didn't volunteer for it,

I shall keep my appointment
with the eye specialist in the morning.

Now come on, Lionel, see sense.

I'm not having an ear trumpet!

No, really, love, it's fine.

It's just a minor alteration
to the prescription.

- Where's Lionel?
- Lionel? No, he's still out.

If he didn't get his hearing tested I shall
really shout at him when he gets home.

That's right, yes. Whispering
at him would be better.

Well, I'll see you and Sandy tonight.
Right, bye.

Oh!

- Hello.
- Hello.

Why are you chopping one carrot?

- Well, I just thought I would.
- Oh.

- How did it go?
- Oh! How did it go for you?

Fine, apart from paying his fee.

Just a minor alteration
to the prescription.

- Otherwise, my eyesight's fine.
- Good.

So is my hearing.

You did have your ears tested?

Yes. There was a small
problem, but it's fixed.

Oh, thank goodness.

It's remarkable, isn't it?

You can't see it at all.

- See what?
- Your hearing aid.

- I'm not wearing a hearing aid.
- What was the small problem?

Wax.

A build-up of wax in the ears.

I had it syringed,
now everything's fine.

- Did it hurt?
- No.

A bit like having a head full of water,
but it worked, that's all that matters.

- I was worried.
- Yes, I know.

I'm sorry I wasn't
my usual grown-up self about it.

- Was there a lot of wax?
- Quite a lot.

- They gave it to me as a souvenir.
- Ugghh! Oh! Oh!

And I got some more of
those nice sausages as well.

- They're in here.
- Oh!

Oh, Li... Oh, Lionel!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪