08x01 - A Deeply Personal Problem

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Run! Oh!

- Here. Keep the change.
- Thanks.

Oh, blast!

What are you doing?

I dropped my keys. They must
have rolled somewhere. I can't find them.

Keys can't roll.

Coming from someone who's dry,
that's not a helpful remark.

Oh, all right.

- Perhaps they rolled in the gutter.
- You said keys couldn't roll.

Bounced then. Bounced.

Thanks a lot!

There was something inevitable
about that, wasn't there?

Oh!

What a day. I hope you got a cab.

- We got a cab all right.
- Good grief.

Some drivers are like kids with puddles -
they have to go in them.

- I don't know.
- Honestly.

They got splashed.

What did I say earlier?
"Take your umbrellas. It looks like rain."

You hold an umbrella over your head.

- I know.
- They got splashed by a car.

You should have got a cab.

Yes, we did get a cab. When we got out,
we got splashed by a car.

Why didn't you move away
from the kerb?

Because Judy dropped her keys.
We were looking for them.

Why didn't you say so?
You look an awful mess.

- Lionel!
- Well, they do.

Cheer up.
It's only a few spots of mud.

- Look at the state of this.
- Talk about insensitivity.

- You knew I hadn't read it.
- Your insensitivity.

- Like it was a joke.
- Well, they did look quite funny.

What about the way they feel?

Are you telling me
that their feelings were hurt

because they got a bit muddy?

In case you've forgotten,

Judith has just turned down
a marriage proposal

and Sandy's had a row with Harry.

What's that got to do
with being spattered with mud?

Oh, really!

They're just feeling a bit down,
a bit vulnerable at the moment

and the last thing a woman wants
is to be told that she looks a mess.

- Oh.
- Yes. "Oh".

When they're changed,
I'll tell them how nice they look.

Oh.

I'll tell you something.

If I was a woman...

You haven't started cross-dressing,
have you?

If I was a woman and I turned down...

I emphasise "turned down".

...a proposal of marriage,
why would I be depressed?

Depends what sort of woman you were.

Well, just the average sort of...

- Would you be depressed?
- It depends who'd proposed.

- What kind of answer is that?
- A reasonable one.

Yes, but you've turned down
his proposal.

The one who's turned down
should be sad, not the turner-down.

Yours is a very black and white world.

- Well, I just don't understand women.
- That's obvious.

I mean, Sandy wasn't even proposed to.

She would have been
if Harry hadn't had a rugby match.

- He does love his rugby.
- Tell Sandy.

- To get back to my point...
- I understand your point.

- Really?
- Yes. It's totally invalid.

Oh.

Just accept the fact
that the girls are very down.

Don't rationalise it, just accept it.

- Almost forget it.
- No. I didn't say that.

- No. I'm not doing it.
- What?

I don't understand women
but I understand you.

- I could take offence at that.
- I meant...

I still don't understand
what you're refusing to do.

Collude with your master plan.

- I don't have one.
- It would go like this.

We get Alistair and Harry round here
without telling the girls.

Then we turn the lights down low,

sprinkle the place with rose petals

and before you can say
Barbara Cartland

they fall into each other's arms.

- That's absurd.
- Which is why I want no part of it.

- Rose petals!
- Well, gardenias then.

Come back from Never Never Land.

A - you simply cannot contrive
something like that.

B - if we tried it would go horribly wrong.

And C - for the millionth time,
this is none of our business.

Misery.

Curmudgeon. Know-all.

- Aha!
- What?

- I'm right, aren't I?
- Well... I suppose so.

I would never suggest
such a crackpot scheme.

Course not.

- The fact is the girls are very low.
- They'll get over it.

And we just stand by
and do nothing? Is that the idea?

A "cherished dream"
might be a better description.

So what are you going to do?

What am I going to do?

Uh-huh. Right. Got it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Got it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right.

Got it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Right. Right. Got it. Got it.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Ciao. Ciao.

- Sorry, Li.
- Oh, don't apologise.

It's a pleasure to hear the English
language used so beautifully.

Wasn't it Gertrude Stein who said,
"A word is a word is a word"?

No. She said, "A rose is a rose is a rose."

Whatever. Where were we?

- Japan.
- So we were.

Now, this is highly confidential
for the moment, Li,

but there is interest
in your book over there.

Why would the Japanese be
interested in My Life In Kenya?

The Japanese can be very inscrutable.
Or is that the Chinese?

But - and here's the but -

if you want an all-expenses paid
book signing in Tokyo, it's yours.

- No, thanks.
- Think about it.

- No, thanks.
- No? Yes for the yen.

If the Japanese are inscrutable enough
to buy the book, they will.

Me being there with jet lag and my
two words of Japanese won't help.

Whatever. You're the guv'nor.

Just thought I'd put the ball on the spot,

see if you wanted to take the penalty.

- Do you have a moment?
- For you, eternity.

Well, five minutes anyway.
What's the prob?

Judy and Sandy.
Apparently they're both depressed.

Sandy's had a row with Harry
and Judy's turned down your proposal.

I'd be depressed
if I'd turned down my proposal.

The way I understand it,
it wasn't saying no that's got her down,

it's the way the proposal
was couched in the first place.

"A port in a storm"?

- I did not use those words.
- Well, whatever.

They need cheering up
and I thought you'd have some ideas.

Right. You tried anything so far?

I told them how nice they looked.

Twice.

I also tried a joke with a piece
of bacon at breakfast

but that fell fairly flat.

Li, this is not major league stuff.

It's not my speciality - cheering up.

Whatever happened
to your non-interventionist policy?

- It's in tatters.
- Jean?

Mm. I turned my bedside light off
ten times last night.

Of course, she didn't
say anything this morning.

She just kept doing
that little nod she does.

Point taken. We know the prob,
we know the people...

- We know the answer.
- Do we?

Not yet. You'll have
to give me a little more time.

- Hello!
- Hello.

We had the weirdest woman
in the charity shop.

She assumed you came in
for free clothes.

Oh, Alistair!
Oh, am I pleased to see you!

After that Judy business,
I thought our hugging days were over.

Nonsense. Have you, um?

- I cracked.
- I knew you would.

What are you going to do?
Are you going to hide?

- Hide?
- Why should he hide?

Well, so that
he can jump out on Judy.

When she comes home.

He can hardly jump out on her
when she's not here.

- Lionel, don't be silly.
- You will jump to conclusions.

Haven't you decided whether
Alistair jumps out on Judy?

This may be hard to believe
but we haven't even considered it.

Alistair's not here to propose again.

I was seeking his advice
on ways to cheer up the girls.

- Oh.
- Do you want the hug back?

- No. I suppose I just hoped...
- It's only me!

- Judy.
- She's early.

- I know she's early. Hide.
- Why?

We don't want to be accused
of meddling. Hide.

- Where?
- Well, I... Lionel, sometimes!

Hello.

Oh.

Not exactly the big hello, is it?

- What are you doing here?
- Here? Well...

Don't bother. Mum, what are you up to?

I'm tidying cushions.

You didn't get Alistair round here
to tidy cushions.

He came of his own accord.

- I did. I did.
- Why?

- Why?
- Yes. Why?

Which brings me back
to the cushion tidier.

To see Lionel.

You're all acting strangely.
What's going on?

All right now. Sit down, Judy.

The truth of the matter is

that Lionel asked Alistair round
to talk about a personal matter.

- Isn't that right, Lionel?
- Absolutely.

- Very personal.
- Deeply personal.

I see. Why didn't he?

It's so personal
he can't talk to me about it.

Hey, it's a guy thing.

Don't ask what.

No. Well, I won't.

- Sorry, Lionel.
- Do I get a sorry?

A very tiny one.
I'm going upstairs to change.

Wow. We were on a Kn*fe edge there.
Quick thinking, lovely lady.

It wasn't bad.

What are you looking
so miserable about?

I'm just wondering
what my deeply personal problem is.

- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello.

- Are you all right?
- Yes.

I'm just having a late... light breakfast.

- No. I'll do it.
- Oh, thanks.

No, no. I'll do it.

There we are.

- Thank you.
- There.

Look, I know I'm a girl,
but you can talk to me.

- I do talk to you.
- Yes.

But we're friends.
We're very good friends.

We can talk about anything.
We can even talk about sex.

I'm not very good at that.

Oh, I see.

Talking about it, I mean.

Oh, good.

You've been having
a girlie chat with Judy.

Well, she did tell me that
you had some sort of problem.

- It's not that problem.
- No. That's why I said good.

I bring all my problems to you.

- No, you don't.
- Well, most of them.

Look, Lionel... If you won't tell me,
you must tell Jean.

For reasons you wouldn't understand,
there's nothing I can tell Jean.

- But why?
- Because...

Well, because I don't want her
to know about it, all right?

Oh. Right.

Another woman?
Of course there's not another woman.

So why doesn't
he want you to know about it?

- He said it so definitely.
- Lionel's prone to overstatement.

Anyway, there's someone
who can help - me.

How can you if he won't
even talk to you about it?

No, no. I didn't mean me.
I meant Alistair can help him.

- Why did you say "me" then?
- Force of habit, I suppose.

Anyway, it's nothing to do
with another woman.

- You don't know.
- I do.

- How can you?
- Well, because...

When Lionel said he had a problem

that he thought Alistair
could help him with,

he stressed that it wasn't to do
with his health or another woman.

Now, please can I get on?

You don't seem very worried.

Of course I'm worried.
I'm sick with worry.

I just don't want to worry Lionel.

- He must be worried anyway.
- It will worry him more.

Oh.

- There's something else.
- Stop following me.

Since when has Lionel ever been
able to keep a secret from you?

Why haven't you wheedled it
out of him?

Well, I did try, but he's not
wheedle-able on this one.

You never give up this easily.

Well, I have. Let that be an end to it.

There's something else.

I'm going to get some cornflakes.
That stuff tastes like horse feed.

- I'm coming with you.
- Why?

- Company.
- I shan't get lonely.

I'm coming with you, all right?

She knows more than she's saying.

Yes. We should be bats.
They like being kept in the dark.

Hello.

Alistair.

Lionel? No, he's gone
to get some cornflakes.

Not long I shouldn't think.

Ask him about Lionel.

Um... Can I take a message?

No. Didn't think so.

Yup. OK, fine.
Just a minute. Where are you?

No, no. I just wondered.

Bye.

Why did you ask where he is?

Have you heard
of the weakest link in the chain?

Oh.

Alistair. Alistair, come back!
This is silly.

I have an urgent appointment.

- Five minutes. That's all we want.
- I don't have any minutes.

Alistair?

Oh!

Shh!

Help! m*rder! m*rder!

Stop doing that!

- Judy?
- Over there.

- Help! Help! m*rder!
- Shh!

- m*rder!
- Alistair, we want to talk.

- My God! You're a g*ng!
- We are not a g*ng.

Look what you're doing to these shoes!

Look at that.

Stop thief!

- Stop thief!
- Make your mind up, do.

Help! Stop!
He's stealing your car! Thief!

Thief!

Stay away from me!

- It's all right. We're chasing him.
- What did he do with you?

- Nothing. We want to talk to him.
- That's why we're chasing him.

Oh! Help! Lunatics! Lunatics!

- Lunatics!
- Don't worry! I'm here!

Help! Help!

Don't worry. I'm Security.

Me, Alistair Deacon running away
from two beautiful women.

- Has the world gone mad?
- It's teetering on the brink.

- Say you don't know anything.
- I don't know anything.

But I'm supposed to be helping
Lionel with his problem.

- Oh, yes.
- My deeply personal problem.

Which they assume I know about.

And I must know, mustn't I?

The girls are pestering me as well.

Oh.

All right, I admit.
It was a silly spur-of-the-moment fib.

- Lie.
- Lie... Lie then. That backfired.

We have to decide
exactly what your problem is.

She's sitting beside me.

Is that helpful?

See it from my point of view.

Even if we make up
some imaginary prob,

Judy and Sandy could still
try to make me tell them.

What if they lock me in a room
and take their clothes off? I'd cr*ck.

I don't think they'd go that far, do you?

No... probably not.

Your master stroke is to decide exactly
what my personal problem is, right?

- Yes.
- But we still mustn't tell them.

- Oh.
- A whisper of silk, you see.

- Alistair...
- No.

- Stay with your lurid fantasy.
- Whatever you say.

- You cr*ck?
- I'd hold out as long as I could.

But you do cr*ck,
or Jean cracks or I cr*ck.

Either way it's out in the open.

It wouldn't matter, really.
Come as a bit of a relief.

There won't be any relief.
They'll want to help me solve it.

Look, the way I see it...

- You can't complete that sentence.
- Yes, I can.

The way I see it...
It's a mess, isn't it?

- A total mess.
- How did we get into it?

- That was Lionel's fault.
- My fault?!

You got Alistair involved
in the first place.

- Yes, I know...
- Who explained his presence? Me.

- Which got us into the mess.
- It's no use flouncing out.

I'm not flouncing anywhere.
I'm going to sort this out.

He's going to tell them the truth.

Don't just sit there.

I don't want to rain on your parade
but mightn't it be for the best?

But you see it all the time,
people caught on security videos -

thieves, shoplifters.

We didn't steal anything.

All we did was frighten a woman

and run away from a guard with a limp.

- But what if we're identified?
- How?

- They have records, don't they?
- Yes, but we don't.

Who's that?

Well, it can't be the Flying Squad
unless they've got a key.

- Good. You're both here.
- Hello, Lionel.

Stop saying hello like that.

I'm sorry.

Now, look here,
it's time you two knew the truth.

This deeply personal problem of mine...

And please stop that.

Well, the fact of the matter is

that I don't have a problem,
deeply personal or otherwise.

No, I don't.

You mean it's just gone away?

No. There wasn't one in the first place.

- There wasn't.
- So why did you say there was?

Jean said it actually,
but that doesn't matter.

Look, Judy when you came home
and Alistair was here,

we didn't want you to think that
we were meddling, so Jean... we...

pretended he'd come to see me
about some problem.

- So why was he here?
- To ask me if I wanted to go to Tokyo.

Oh, come on, Lionel!

No, it's true.

But Jean had mentioned
that you both needed cheering up,

so I asked Alistair
to come up with something.

Then you walked in
and Jean did a little improvisation

and it just spiralled, that's all.

So now perhaps we can forget it

and I can stop feeling
I'm living in a madhouse.

All right?

Do you believe that?

Not for a single moment.

- You were a long time.
- I had some hot chocolate with the girls.

- You didn't offer me one.
- You weren't down there.

Oh. Got religion?

- Why do you ask that?
- I don't know.

It's just one those books
I think I've read but never have.

- What's it about?
- I don't want to give the plot away.

We chatted.
The girls told me what you said.

Somebody had to put a stop
to that nonsense.

- Didn't they?
- I doubt if anyone can.

- I just did.
- You didn't. They didn't believe you.

But I told them the absolute truth.

Let's face it, it comes out
as a rather flimsy story.

- I'll join the Foreign Legion.
- Oh, really.

I and my deeply personal problem
would be lost in the Sahara.

They'd want to know
what drove you there.

I wouldn't be around
to answer the question.

You blame me for this?

- Yes, I do.
- Oh... Where are you going?

The Foreign Legion recruiting office.

Oh, Lionel!

You two, in here!

- Come on! In here!
- All right!

- Perhaps if we made up...
- No.

We're not making anything up
again ever.

- I was just going to bed.
- Not until this is sorted out.

- What's all the shouting for?
- Just stand there and be quiet.

- I didn't mean you.
- Well, I'm here now.

All right. But this is for you two.

- I will swear on this book...
- Lionel, that's Winnie The Pooh.

...on this book that everything I say...

Lionel, don't do this.
Don't perjure yourself.

We'll never ask what's
really wrong again. We promise.

But do tell Mum.

I give up!

- Good morning.
- Good morning. What a lovely day.

Considering the mess we're in,
you're in a very good mood.

I'm not in a mess.
I've abnegated all responsibility.

I don't care if anyone ever believes
anything I ever say again.

- That's a cop-out.
- That's the beauty of it.

I did have one thought.
Plan B, actually.

- Which one was that?
- Solving your problem.

You think I've actually got one?

No, of course not. I did suggest it
in the pub but it got lost.

Everything's got lost somewhere.

I'll get it.

We decide what your problem is
and then solve it.

- To what end?
- Maybe they'll believe a lie.

I've just told you - I don't care
who believes what from now on.

- Morning, folks.
- Morning, Alistair.

Would you like some coffee?

- Thanks. About the surprise...
- What surprise?

I thought a surprise
might cheer the girls up.

That's where all this started.

- Seems an age ago, doesn't it?
- An age.

A surprise is a good idea.
What is it, Alistair?

- I can't think of one.
- Oh.

This isn't a problem you can solve
by chucking plastic at it.

This requires TLC

and since Judy's hardly talking to me,
that might be difficult. Sorry.

I wouldn't worry, Alistair.
The girls will come round.

- They're not that depressed.
- I wish you'd said that before.

It just growed and growed, like Topsy.

Could we have a word with you
and Lionel in the kitchen?

Yes, of course. Come on, Lionel.

I'm giving nothing but my name,
rank and serial number.

Back to my lonely
bachelor existence, I suppose.

No. Stay and finish your coffee.

- What are you doing?
- Taking my jacket off.

- Why?
- Because I'm hot.

Why did you think
I was taking my jacket off?

It could be to get information.

Well, it could.

Sometimes, Alistair,
you live in a dream world.

Yes.

Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.

- We won't ask any more questions.
- We're running out of answers.

- You haven't told them?
- I was waiting for you.

Mum, Lionel...
How would you like a surprise?

Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.

- Lionel. What sort of surprise?
- A nice one, we hope.

It's a country hotel in Kent
and it looks beautiful.

And we've booked you in
for the weekend.

- The bridal suite.
- We're already married.

Don't be pedantic.
This is a sweet idea, but why?

We've been putting you through it
a bit lately,

asking what your problem is.

Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.

And we promise we won't stick
our noses in any more

but, Lionel, you have to tell Mum.

- Well, actually...
- Yes, he has.

There's nothing
you can't work out between you.

And where better
than a quiet hotel in the country?

Away from us,
away from any distractions.

- It's a very sweet idea...
- Thank you. We'll take it.

- Lionel.
- We'll take it.

Oh, I say!

It's my deeply personal problem
and we'll take it.

Great.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪