08x04 - Surprising News

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- Morning.
- Morning.

- One to sign for here.
- Oh.

Well, the thing is...

Oh, sorry. I'm always doing that.

- Do you have the form?
- Oh.

- And have you the pen?
- Yes, of course. Er...

- I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
- No. I had the inky end in my mouth.

- Oh.
- Sign and print, please.

Next door's still for sale.
How long's that been?

- Oh, ages.
- Odd that.

It's because we've got
the plague in our house.

- Fancy that.
- No, I was joking.

No, no. Just as we're talking about it,
up pops the estate agent.

- That is a coincidence.
- More than that. It's paranormal.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Paranormal things happen around me.

- Be lucky.
- Yes. And you.

Postman Pat's been.

The girls have been at this paper.
That's marmalade.

Don't make such a fuss.
It's only a dab.

He says paranormal things
happen when he's around.

Probably means he actually gets
the right mail to the right house.

Probably. This parcel's for Sandy.

Oh?

- You said it was for Sandy.
- I know. I know.

- I think I'll go for a little walk.
- Why?

- I just feel like it.
- Why?

Don't ask questions.
Get the marmalade off your paper.

Morning.

- You weren't very long.
- I said a short walk.

You could have walked
up and down the hall.

- Coffee?
- No, thanks.

- People are looking at next door.
- Oh, yes?

Oh, I see. Hence the little walk.

The two events were
just completely coincidental.

- They've got two children.
- Monsters?

I just said they've got two children.

What about the parents?
I assume they had shifty eyes.

- You're just not interested.
- Not in speculation.

When somebody buys it, we'll find out.

- Yeah. And in the meantime?
- What in the meantime?

Oh, all right. Nothing.

- Any post for me?
- There.

Oh. Who's the postcard from?

I don't know. It's addressed to you.

The message is next to the name
and address. You didn't read it?

The card was addressed to you.
It might be private.

Who writes something private
on a postcard?

Who wants to write
something private to me?

- You got a Valentine's card.
- That was from you.

Oh, it's from Penny and Stephen.
They're in Spain.

I suppose permanently
is too much to hope for?

They're going to pop in
on the way back.

- Oh, good. When is this?
- Sat, they say. That's tomorrow.

Bang goes tomorrow.

- They'd like to stay over.
- Bang goes the whole weekend.

- Penny is my sister-in-law.
- Yes, I know.

If this had arrived sooner,
we could have arranged to be away.

It's too late now.

Why do people write PSs
in such tiny writing?

"We've got a lovely..."

Bunch of coconuts?

"We've got a lovely... surprise for you."

Am I a mean-spirited person
to feel apprehensive about that?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Which makes two of us mean-spirited.

Oh, cheer up.
It isn't the end of the world.

I really look forward to coming home
on a Friday evening.

The whole weekend to look forward to.

Actually, Judy and I had planned
to be out all day tomorrow.

Where?

- Alton Towers.
- Brighton.

Penny and Stephen are going
to stay over on Saturday.

- That'll be nice, won't it?
- Oh, Mum.

I could hardly say no to a postcard.

I suppose we'll have
to spring-clean our rooms.

No, just tidy up.

Penny and Stephen can have our room,
you go in with Sandy

and Lionel and I will have your room,
if that's all right.

What we need is a sofa bed.

Well, I don't think
they'll make a habit of it.

By the way, there's a parcel for you.

Is there?

Oh, yes.

- Aren't you going to open it?
- Later.

Oh.

The vacuum cleaner's on the landing.

- You didn't do our rooms as well?
- They're forbidden territory.

And I didn't leave
any of my knickers lying around.

Oh, and just to add
to the general note of gaiety,

did Jean tell you about
Penny and Stephen's surprise?

- What surprise?
- Well, I don't know yet.

The card said they had
a lovely surprise for us.

That makes all four of us mean-spirited.

Please, Lionel. Please just behave.

All right. But if she produces
holiday snaps, I might doze off.

You dare.

Hola!

- Hello, Penny. Good holiday?
- Fantastic.

Oh, poor Jean.

You look rather drawn round the eyes.
How about you, Lionel?

I'm rather drawn round the eyes too.
How's Stephen?

- Oh, fiddling with the cases.
- I'll give him a hand.

Come in, Penny.
Penny and Stephen are here!

We should have brought the porter.

- I'll bring that last one.
- Thanks.

- Hello, Uncle Stephen.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello, Stephen.

Hello, you two.
My word, don't you both look pretty?

You always look so pretty.

It's so kind of you to say that

but you shouldn't say
it in front of Aunt Penny.

Why ever not?
She doesn't mind, does she?

Penny, you don't mind me saying
how pretty the girls look?

That man's got a death wish.

That's me by the fountain
in the grounds of the hotel.

And this is me again

by the same fountain
but from a different angle.

Where's this, Stephen?

- By a statue.
- Yes, but where was the statue?

Let me think.
We saw quite a lot of statues.

Never mind. It's me by a statue.

Now, here we are...
This is me again

in the hotel dining room
or "commodore", as we say.

Wait a minute.
What's that waiter doing behind me?

Just larking about, I expect.

I never did take to that man.

Oh... One of Stephen.

- Where is he?
- There, in the background.

As you see, he's watching me flamenco.

- Ole! Flamenco!
- Your Spanish is fluent, isn't it?

- Poco.
- She picked up a Spanish chap.

Ooh!

I came to an arrangement
with a regular taxi driver,

if that's what you mean, Stephen.

- That's me on some steps.
- Where?

They were near a restaurant.

Stephen fell down them
just after he'd taken the photograph.

- Good lunch, Stephen?
- It was actually.

- Well, that's the lot.
- Oh.

No, no, it isn't. I know
there was a wallet somewhere.

No, that's the lot.

I was sure there was something else.

Never mind. I'll send you all
copies of everything.

Ah, there they are.
I knew there was some more.

Actually, we'd better start supper.

- Yes. Yes, we had.
- It's only five o'clock.

- It's quite a complicated recipe.
- Just a minute.

- Penny, what about your surprise?
- Your lovely surprise.

Are you miming something?

No, I suddenly feel rather tired.

What with the luggage
and getting him through Customs.

Would you mind if I snatched
a siesta before supper?

No, not at all.
But what about the surprise?

Well, we're thinking
of going to live in Spain.

We've found our dream house.

- Stephen, carry my bags up.
- Very good.

More anon.

- They're going to live in Spain.
- Yes!

Why?

Don't bother with reasons, just be happy.

Yes. It starts
as a warm glow just here.

I shall miss Uncle Stephen
saying how nice we look.

- Sweet, isn't it?
- Just think what we shan't miss.

- That could take some time.
- You two could start supper.

I only volunteered
to get out of the room.

We should have gone to Alton Towers.

The earlier we eat, the sooner
we can suggest we go to bed early.

What a sensible idea.

Sandy. You still
haven't opened your parcel.

It's all right. I know what's in it.

A?

- A what?
- Or some?

- What are you talking about?
- No one ends a sentence like that.

"I know what's in it."

They say,
"I know what's in it. A... thing."

Or "Some... things"

Let's have a drink.

It's those two-way mirrors.

- What two-way mirrors?
- At the airport.

Didn't you see that television
documentary about Customs?

- They spy on you.
- I'm still not with you.

Well, you know, you see?
You know they're spying on you.

Before you know it,
you've got a guilty expression.

- You got pulled in then?
- No.

- Drink, Stephen?
- Thanks very much.

- Tell us about your dream house,
- Well, it was very lovely.

On a hillside
overlooking the harbour.

Beautiful terrace, swimming pool,
five or six acres of land.

- And it's for sale?
- No.

- It's going to be for sale?
- Not as far as I know.

But Penny said
you'd seen your dream house.

Ah, she should have said
"a" dream house.

She'd like to build one like it.

Build?

Well, not herself, naturally.

- That could take ages.
- Mm.

It's all "Ma?ana" over there, you know.

Over here they say, "straightaway"
and mean the same.

- How much do dentists get paid?
- How should I know? Why?

Well, I was wondering how Stephen
can suddenly afford

to buy a mansion in Spain.

Perhaps he rips out gold fillings
while his patients are out.

He's not the type.

Stephen's back on two-way mirrors.
How are you getting on?

Two-way mirrors?
Is this a Stephen we don't know about?

Customs.

Any more about the dream house?

Yes. It's on a hill,
overlooking the harbour

with a terrace, a pool
and seven acres of land.

- My God. It is a mansion.
- How much will that cost?

He's not buying it.
He's going to build one.

- Build one?
- How much do dentists get paid?

I asked that.

Well, they must be planning to sell
up over here. That's money.

Enough to buy the sort of house
they're talking about?

That's got to be L1,000 a tooth.

- They must have thought about it.
- It's not our business anyway.

No, no. Quite.

Try and steer the conversation
round after dinner.

I must say, that was a delicious dinner.

Nice to get some English food again.

Yes. Very acceptable,
but one misses paella.

I don't know why.
You had diarrhoea for three days after it.

I do wish you wouldn't
use that word, Stephen.

That's what it's called.

What sort of dishwasher
will you have in Spain, Penny?

- Very odd question.
- No. I'm just interested.

Well, I hadn't really
thought that far ahead.

But I may leave the choice
to our "servadora".

That means "servant", doesn't it?

- I didn't know you knew Spanish.
- Oh, just a little.

Oh.

A servant?

I always fancied learning Hungarian.

- Hungarian? Why?
- I don't know really.

Well, it won't
do you much good in Spain.

You could take it up as a hobby
as you're retiring.

Retiring? Stephen's retiring?

Stephen's retiring.

Oh, good night, Stephen.

- Lionel.
- Sorry?

Good for you.
Isn't it a bit early though?

You reach a stage where you don't
want to look at people's teeth ever again.

Tooth fatigue.

That's rather good.

I suppose you know the Spanish
for "gardener", Judith?

Er... no, I don't.

We shall be having one of those as well.

And just what is the Spanish
for "gardener"?

- Possibly two.
- Two?

Two. I wonder what the Hungarian
for "two" is.

Oh, Stephen, nobody knows.

A Hungarian would.

Lionel, please stick to the subject.

- What is the subject?
- Their house in Spain.

It's beginning to sound
more like an estate.

I wouldn't go so far as that.

Well, perhaps a little one.

And Stephen retiring.

- We told you that.
- Yes, I know you did.

- Look, I hate to be nosey, but...
- Judith?

I suppose you know the Spanish
for "fiesta" is actually "fiesta"?

Er... what do you hate
about being nosey?

Just about everything really.

Then there's Armenian.

Is this another language
you'd like to learn?

No. I was thinking
how many languages there are.

Will you be getting
a swimming pool as well?

- Essential.
- Well, well.

A swimming pool and servants
and gardeners.

I see what you're getting at. Where
do you find all the money for this?

Lionel!

- That's none of our business.
- Sorry?

Quite right, Jean.

Still, I suppose
there's no harm in telling.

Pension plans.

All down to Pen. She insisted we
set some up when we got married.

I've had her tasting my food ever since.

Can you move over a bit?

Yes, I can if you want me
to fall out of bed.

It's no good wriggling for space
because there isn't any.

- Truce then.
- Truce.

- You've no sense of honour.
- It's only for one night.

That is carved in stone.

You went very quiet this evening.

I got thinking about pension plans.

- Why?
- Cos I haven't got any.

- I have.
- No need to sound so smug.

I'm not sounding smug.
I'm just stating a fact.

How long have you had
these pension plans?

- Years.
- Oh. Well, I haven't.

- You just said that.
- I just never thought of it before.

Don't worry. What's mine is yours,
remember? We'll be all right.

Hm.

What happens when I go mad?

Are you planning to go mad?

Of course not, but it does happen.

Lionel, how many mad people
do you actually know?

Well, not mad... funny.
They're not cheap, those homes.

Oh, you're going into a home now?

I'd have to. No knowing
what I'd get up to if you kept me here.

As flights of fancy go,
this isn't a very cheerful one.

No. But if you did keep me here
to save money,

you couldn't invite anybody in.

Oh, stop it!

Just a few royalties from the book,

the capital from the flat -
that's all I've got.

Hm. I never thought the day would come
Penny was cleverer than me.

Have the girls got pension plans?

- They're children.
- They're not.

It rushes up on you, time.

So which one of us is going
to push the supermarket trolley?

- At least you'll be all right.
- I told you, we'll both be all right.

Provided I don't go funny.

They're not cheap, those homes.

Tell you what, I'll keep you in
a kennel in the cellar. How's that?

- You're not taking this seriously.
- Am I meant to?

A mention of pension plans
and you're talking about going mad.

- That might be a bit excessive.
- Really?

I just wonder what I'm contributing
to our future, that's all.

You! Now go to sleep.

I'll try.

One more thing, Lionel.
If you go mad in the night, do it quietly.

You know how hysterical Penny can get.

Morning. You're not leaving
Uncle Stephen behind?

No. I'm just going for a walk
or "passio" as we say.

I'll answer that.

Hey, hey, Penny.

- "Binos dios."
- Salut.

- That's not Spanish.
- What was yours?

- Spanish.
- Buona fortuna.

- May I come in?
- Of course.

- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.

- Is this delicious Sandy about?
- Yes.

- Don't you mean Judith?
- No. Sandy.

- Could we have a quick word?
- Any time, any place.

Is this something
I should know about?

No.

- So... sh**t.
- Alistair, I'd like your advice.

I'm honoured. What's the prob?

- I need some money.
- Say no more. How much?

No. I need to make some money.

Oh, right. I see. Right.

You didn't say that
with any confidence.

Well, it's just the book...

My Life In Kenya
isn't setting the world on fire.

I know. Last quarter's royalties
were L32.45p.

No. What are the chances of
getting back on the lecture circuit?

- Well, er... let's see...
- None.

- Did I say that?
- No, but your expression did.

Don't give up on this, Li.

Can you sing?

No, I can't.
What are you talking about?

It's just an idea. A CD.

The Songs Of Kenya
by Lionel Hardcastle.

- Bit wild, isn't it?
- Just slightly, yes.

- Another book.
- My Life On Holland Park?

Perhaps not.

Forget it. I shouldn't
have lumbered you.

Never say die, Li. Give me time,
I might come up with something.

Tell me, guy to guy,
why this sudden need for bucks?

- I haven't got a pension plan.
- Oh.

Take this in the spirit
in which it's intended, but...

isn't it a bit late to start one?

Yes. Jean's had one for years.

Well, great. Money in the kitty.

- Yes, but...
- No buts, Li.

The lady loves you.
It's her right to share.

Well, yes.

Just as if I'm with a lady who insists on
continually taking her clothes off,

it's her right to do it.

It's not really the same thing, is it?

No, I suppose not.

- My God, that was ambrosia.
- It was just a fry-up.

Yes, but after
all those Spanish breakfasts...

I don't think a man feels a man

till he's got some bacon
inside him. Do you?

I don't know. I have to think about that.

- Looks like rain.
- Perfect.

Nothing like English rain.
Is there, Lionel?

- Is there what?
- Anything like English rain.

I don't know. The last lot
we got came from France.

Yes, but by the time it had got here,
it had turned into English rain.

We're off. Will you
still be here when we get back?

Yes. Pen and I thought we'd treat you
to a pub lunch before we go.

Oh, that'll be nice. See you later.

Then there's Hampshire rain.

The Spanish don't play cricket.

Temperamentally unsuited,
I suppose.

Maybe they just think it's a silly game.

No one could think that. Clunk.

- Clunk?
- The sound of willow on leather.

- Oh.
- It wasn't very good, was it?

Do you think boink
might be nearer to it?

- No. I think clunk was quite good.
- Really?

Nothing like village cricket.

Pen and I toddle along
on a Sunday afternoon.

Only time I get to wear my Panama.

- I didn't know Penny liked cricket.
- She generally nods off.

It's pleasant all the same.
The sun shining.

The grass that really particular
English green.

Cup of tea and a scone.

Clunk, of course.

Nothing like it.

God, it's good to be home.

What?

For someone
who's going to live in Spain,

you're rhapsodising about England.

- I'm not going to live in Spain.
- What? Have you told Penny?

No.

- Don't you think she should know?
- Not really.

- When are you going to tell her?
- You don't understand.

She'll come to the same conclusion
as me in her own time.

- You sound very confident.
- I know my Pen.

She gets an idea in her head,
then before you know it, it's gone.

- Take the Ouija board.
- The Ouija board?

When she decided
to investigate the occult.

Two goes we had

and the nearest we got to
a message was "Black like Nixto."

That was that. It's always the same.

You're quite right.

Meanwhile,
you're not going to tell her?

It's kinder not to really.

Not that we ever could
have made this work.

We could never afford
the kind of place Pen wanted.

This pension business
is all jolly comforting

but seven acres and servants it is not.

Well...

I'm glad you're not going, Stephen.

Thank you.

Yes, I am too.

It wouldn't be the same
without you and Penny around.

Well, we shall be around a lot more
now that I'm retiring.

Come on, Pen.
We're waiting to go to lunch.

I do wish you wouldn't bellow
when I'm on the loo.

- It's not a thing I do regularly.
- Where's my bag?

Thank you. Oh, incidentally...

I noticed the house next door
is up for sale again.

- I'm sure it'll go in no time.
- Like hotcakes.

It makes you think -
a house like that in London,

next to our dearest friends.

And we could afford it now.

Thank you again for putting us up.

I mean, you and Lionel in a single bed.

We were as snug as two bugs in a rug.

Very cosy.

What about you two pretty girls?

We were fine. We were
a bit squashed, but we were fine.

Squashed?

Keep him walking.
He's glazing over again.

Why are you pulling me about?

You don't think they'd buy that house?

Let's hope it's another Ouija board.

- What now?
- Look.

There is a God.
Come on, we're getting left behind.

No, no. Wait.

Good morning.

Morning.

What nice people.

Really nice people.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪