08x06 - Going Online

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

No, thank you. No, thank you.

No, thank you!

God!

No, thank you.

No, thank you. Goodbye.

- Friend of yours?
- British Telecom.

One of those "Are you satisfied
with our services?" calls.

I said yes and hoped that would be it, but
I get ten minutes of being offered extras.

You weren't even listening.

Well, it's all getting too complicated.

Do you realise you can get a special rate

if you make calls
between three and five in the morning

providing you're standing on one leg
and wearing a ginger wig?

- You turned that down?
- Well, you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

- Who's that for?
- Me.

You mean you bought it?

No, I stole it from a baby's pram.
What do you think? Of course I bought it.

- Why?
- Because I did.

Oh. Aren't you a bit...

No.

Anyway, he's sweet.

Look, he's waving at you.

No, he's not. You're moving his arm.

Ignore him, Herbert.

- Why is he called Herbert?
- That's his name.

- I went into the office today.
- Oh, yes?

- Aha!
- What?

All fits in, doesn't it?

You pop into the office, see how Judy
and Sandy are running it without you,

feel out of touch
and buy Herbert to console yourself.

They run it like a well-oiled machine.
I don't understand how they're doing it.

It's new-age technology.
We're being left behind.

Two things. One: we're not new age.

you can only feel left behind
if you were trying to catch up.

Shouldn't we be trying to catch up?

We bumble along quite well
in our own medieval way.

Bumble's the word.

- Could somebody do this up for me?
- Oh, yes, sure.

Thanks.

- Oh, look!
- Yes, that's Herbert.

Herbert? Isn't he sweet?

He waves to people, as well.

Of course he does.

Hello, Lionel.

Where are you going?

Alistair's got tickets to a film premiere
that nobody can get hold of.

- That's Alistair.
- That's Alistair.

That's Alistair.

I'll go.

Erm... You are all right with this,
aren't you?

If Judy is, why shouldn't I be?

That's what I keep telling myself.
What about Lionel?

Oh, he's too confused
to have an opinion.

- You see, it's not as though...
- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Alistair.
- Hello, Alistair.

Guys, girls, teds, what's the difference?

If you don't know,
it's time you had a talk with somebody.

Nice one, Li.

Hey... And look at you!
Is that dress split to the thigh or what?

- It's not split at all.
- A guy can dream.

Well, are we ready to outshine the stars?

I don't see how we can fail.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Ciao, people.

Sandy? It's not as though what?

It's not as though anything's going on.

It's like going out with your brother.

It's Judy he wants, not me.

- Told you so.
- No, you didn't.

Well, I meant to.

- All I said was "Well."
- Oh, Mum, please leave it alone.

- But Sandy said yes...
- You told me what Sandy said.

- Well?
- You're doing it again. Just leave it!

- Lionel?
- Absolutely.

- Absolutely what?
- Just absolutely.

- That's mean.
- I know it is.

This saga seems to have been running
longer than The Archers.

I find it totally confusing and I don't see
anybody unconfusing me.

It is perfectly clear.
It is Judy that Alistair wants.

Alistair doesn't know what he wants.

He's whizzing around
like some demented comet.

Till he comes down to earth I don't want
to know. Talk about something else.

I never had a teddy bear
when I was a child.

Aw, didn't you?

No.

- Who can that be?
- Perhaps it's a friend of Herbert's.

How was the film?
Oh, that's a silly question, isn't it?

We never got there.

We got as far as the pre-premiere drinks,
then Alistair's pager went off.

- That sounds familiar.
- Then he made a call on his mobile,

said how sorry he was, put me in a taxi
and disappeared.

- That sounds familiar, too.
- You've a lot to answer for.

I don't even have a pager.

Your sex.

Lionel!

Would you get that? Lionel!

Coming, coming!

- Oh.
- Paul Partridge. British Telecom.

Come in.

Take a look at the card.
Forgeries have been known.

- Oh, yes, that's you, all right. Come in.
- Much obliged.

You didn't say, "Aha!"

Oh. Was I supposed to?

Well, no, but a lot of people do.
The name, you see, Partridge.

- The character off the television?
- Oh, yes.

As soon as people hear the name
they go "Aha!" and laugh.

It gets very wearing.

I suppose it must do.
He's very funny though, isn't he?

- Not to me, no. Couldn't be, really.
- No.

- You've come about the extra line?
- Absolutely.

It'll be in there, Mr Partridge,
next to the computer.

- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Right you are.

Paul Partridge, British Telecom.

My God, you're really keen,
you people, aren't you?

Well, we certainly do our best.

- Yes, but why?
- Because you asked us to.

I did nothing of the sort.
I said no thank you to everything.

The name is Hardcastle, isn't it?

- Yes.
- Well, I've got you on my sheet.

I don't care where you've got me.

I said no on the phone and that's it.

I don't approve of this kind
of pressure salesmanship.

I'm not pressuring anybody. I could only
fit you in because Willesden fell through.

I don't care.
I'm not answering any more questions.

I don't want you to.
I've just come to fit the extra phone line.

- We're at cross purposes, aren't we?
- I do hope so.

- Here I am.
- Oh, I am glad.

Mr... Partridge
is talking about an extra phone line.

- Yes, that's right. I ordered one.
- Oh.

- See, you were on me sheet.
- What have you been saying?

Never mind. Why do we need
two telephones in the same room?

We need a line
cos we're going on the internet.

Aha!

Picked up on the name, then.

Pardon?

What do you mean, "aha"?

This is back to feeling
technologically illiterate.

- What if it is?
- Isn't this a rather extreme reaction?

Nothing extreme about it.
Everybody's on the net.

- I am.
- Yes, you see.

- What are you going to use it for?
- All sorts of things.

- You don't even know.
- I'll find out. We can email people.

Well, who do we want to email?

- Excuse me.
- Yes? Sorry.

Would you prefer
to remake the appointment?

No, no, not at all. You go ahead.
We're just chatting.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, positive.

Right. Aha!

Well, we'll just see where this little jigger
goes to first, then, eh?

I still think
this is a very extreme reaction.

A dinosaur would.

- Now, that is amazing.
- What is?

Well, you've still got the old ZR3-59B.

- Have we?
- I suppose you understand that?

- Thank you very much.
- Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Oh, not at all. Good luck. You'll be up
and running once you get your new PC.

- New PC?
- Oh, I thought you knew.

Well, that model you've got in there,
you won't get on the net with that.

- Oh.
- Not to panic, though. Not to panic.

You can probably get by
by just hooking up to a modem. Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

You don't know what a modem is,
do you?

Something we need.

I suppose the next thing
is to find a modem shop.

Shut up.

Are you going to the football?

No, Harry and I
have blown the whistle on the football.

- Both of you?
- No, just me.

David Ginola apart, there's nothing
about football that appeals to me at all.

Talking of whistle blowing,
I've shown Alistair the red card, too.

- Not that there was ever a game.
- Have you told him?

I haven't heard from him to tell him.
Have you heard from him?

- No, should I have?
- Mm.

Don't start that again.

- Oh, do you mind getting that?
- OK.

Hello? Hello.

Hello?

- Who was that?
- They hung up.

That's funny. I had one of those earlier
on this morning. Did you try 1471?

- Yeah, number withheld.
- Let's have some coffee.

- I saw the van. Has it come?
- Yes, I think so.

It's Mum's modem.

Ah! That's my modem.

I can hardly contain myself.

- Go and sit in the garden.
- It's too cold.

Yes, I know.

Almost there, almost there! We're here,
we're here! Come on, you two.

- We were about to have some coffee.
- No, come on. Not you.

- Here it is. There you are.
- What are you giving it to me for?

- It's got to be fixed up in the machine.
- Well, I don't know how to fix it up.

Oh, Judy!

- You do it, Sandy.
- Well, I don't know, either.

What about all that stuff at the office?

We know how to use it
but we don't know how to install it.

Well, that's a fat lot of good.

Didn't a man come with that?

- Can't see one.
- Sandy!

He only delivered it.

- There are some instructions.
- Right, then, we'll do it ourselves.

Clear off.

Telephone!

Break the habit of a lifetime
and answer it.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Alistair.

Call you Rex?

Yes, I am alone, as a matter of fact.

I don't have to call you Rex any more?
Oh, good.

What is this?

Oh, blast. The lights have all gone out.

No, we've got a lot
of technical people here.

Go on, anyway.

- And all without the aid of the internet.
- All you had to do was press a button.

Takes a human being to do it, though,
doesn't it?

I'm just popping out
for a swift half with Rex.

- Who's Rex?
- Oh, somebody I know.

- You've heard me talk of Rex.
- No, I haven't.

Oh. Well, erm... that was Rex.

On the... So, I'll see you later.

You wouldn't just like to look
at my booklet first, would you?

It's very tempting, but no, thanks.

- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.

What's all this Rex nonsense?

- I got you half a bitter.
- Thank you.

- At the risk of repeating myself...
- I called before, but hung up.

Li, I... I can't talk to women.

Is this some sort of medical condition?

Please don't joke, Li.

I can't talk to your women. Not after
the way I treated Sandy the other night.

I don't think she was over-impressed.

- I don't suppose Judy and Jean were.
- Not entirely, no.

But you're OK? With me, I mean.

In so far as you've never stood me up,
yes. Now, what's all this about?

Li, I'm in free fall.

Could you try that in English?

- Zilched.
- Even Old English?

OK, how about erm... broke?

Broke? You?

That's what I keep thinking.
I mean, I am Alistair Deacon.

These sort of things
don't happen to Alistair Deacon.

- But they have.
- How?

The domino effect.

Singapore gets the jitters, Kuala Lumpur
catches cold, Rotterdam gets a sniff,

and Frankfurt,
well, we all know Frankfurt!

- Actually, I don't.
- Before you know it,

Canada's driving the final nail
into the coffin.

When you say broke,
is that a comparative term?

No. I mean stony.
Li, you are looking at yesterday's man.

Come on.

- Where?
- Home. You need to be with friends.

- They all hate me.
- Don't make difficulties. Come on.

Come on!

"A modem operating at 2,400 bps,

"2.4 Kbps,

"will transfer
roughly 240 characters a second."

A K's a thousand, isn't it?

Now, what's bps?
Something per second.

Beeps?

That's not very likely, is it?
What else, do you think?

- Beginning with B.
- Pardon?

Nothing. N... Oh! The wandering minstrel!

- I know I owe you an apology.
- No, you owe Sandy an apology.

- Sandy!
- Sit down.

- Alistair's got something to say.
- I bet.

To everybody.

- Judy!
- What's everybody shouting for?

- Oh.
- Hi, Sandy.

I'm glad I missed that film.
Got rotten reviews.

Leave Alistair alone for a moment.

I'll do better than that.
I'll leave him alone permanently.

What's all the shouting about?

- Oh.
- Hi, Judy.

Alistair has something to say to us.

- I don't think I'm interested.
- Will you all be quiet?

Now, let's all just sit down
and actually listen for a minute.

Alistair.

I don't know where to start.

The Odeon, Leicester Square.

- Sandy.
- No, Sandy's right.

That is where it all started.

Remember that call I made
on my mobile?

- How could I forget?
- It was to a Japanese guy in Australia.

He'd been emailed
by some guys in Tokyo...

...so I've been trying to plug holes.

There are too many holes
and not enough plugs.

A boardroom coup, a hostile takeover.

Singapore gets the jitters,
Kuala Lumpur catches cold.

Not the best days
in Alistair Deacon's life.

- Anyway...
- Where are you going?

- Well, home, I suppose.
- Oh, don't be silly.

You're going to stay here tonight.

As I said, it got rotten reviews anyway.

Poor old Alistair.

I did my hug in the pub.

- Well, I'm going to start supper.
- Already?

Yes, it's one of our complicated recipes.

- Sandy.
- Yes, yes.

I always help with complicated recipes,
don't I?

- That was as subtle as a steamroller.
- I just think they ought to be left alone.

You can't start matchmaking
at a time like this.

I'm not, but when Alistair was telling
his sad story, and it was sad,

it was Judy he was telling it to.

- Didn't you notice?
- No.

- Honestly!
- Honestly!

Well, I'm not psychic, am I?

I'll say one thing for my mum,
she can be very subtle.

Yes.

So, what next?

I've been trying to get my head
around that but it won't work.

The business has gone.
The flat will probably have to go.

A lot of things will have to go.

All that will be left is... is me.

Well, is that such a bad thing?

- I won't be viable.
- As what?

As me.

You're one of the most self-centred men
I've ever met.

- Steady on.
- Well, it's true.

The whole world
revolves around Alistair Deacon.

The world does exactly as Alistair
Deacon tells it to. It's all flash and glam.

Well, that's what I have to offer, isn't it?
Had to offer.

That's why Sandy went out with me.
We both knew that.

A bit of flash and glam
after her rugby-playing copper.

That night she stayed over, you know.
I... I didn't make a move.

Yeah, I know. Sandy told me.

Yeah, well,
that wasn't very flash and glam, was it?

No. It was ground breaking.

I tried to explain it to myself.

Justify it, really.

"Respect?" I thought. No.

"Doing the decent thing?" I thought. No.

"She's had a bit too much to drink,"
I thought.

No, that's never worked.

Because I was thinking of you?

- Does that work?
- It's all irrelevant now, anyway.

The person you're suddenly
sitting next to is... just me.

- It's not funny.
- No. I'm sorry.

It's just, this "just me"
that you're left with...

- I don't want to talk about him.
- Is he such a bad bloke?

I don't think he is.

In fact, I think he's a really nice bloke.

Huh!

Since when was "nice" enough?

Why have we started
taking the local paper?

- To keep up with local affairs.
- Oh, we're back to keeping up, are we?

- Finished your early morning grumble?
- I think so.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Does Alistair take tea or coffee?

Coffee. Sometimes buck's fizz.

Coffee, then.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Where's Alistair?
- He's in bed, isn't he?

No. I just crept in there to get
some clean clothes but he's not there.

- Oh, my God. What's he done?
- Don't panic.

There's a perfectly rational explanation
for this.

- Isn't there, Lionel?
- Is there?

- Alistair?
- Who switched that on?

Alistair did. Look, he's left a message.

"You're on the net. So was I.
Love Alistair."

- What does that mean?
- He's fitted the modem!

No, this message.

There's no other way of reading that
but optimistically.

- Yeah, you're right.
- And we're on the internet.

Should we email that chap
and tell him not to come?

- Do you know his email address?
- No.

- Then you should phone him.
- Oh.

- How do we get to the internet bit?
- Hang on.

There!

Look at that!

I thought we might have sausages
for breakfast.

- I said I thought we might have saus...
- All right, all right.

We are not going to be friends, you and I.

- Nothing in this local rag at all.
- Then why are you reading it?

- I'm looking at the Lonely Hearts.
- Very well, I'll ask. Why?

When you finally marry that computer,
I shall need some companionship.

I just find it interesting, that's all.
Being on the internet makes me feel...

- Young?
- No, modern.

- I haven't finished that yet!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You were on all morning, you had lunch
in minutes, and you're tearing back to it.

I'm not tearing anywhere.

Look, I'll sit and chat,
if that's what you want.

Or I can sit here
and watch you read the paper.

- There's something in it.
- What?

"Beautiful blonde seeks relationship
with ageing internet hater"?

- Harry. Sandy's Harry.
- Ex.

Ex, then. "Local police constable
breaks leg in rugby match."

Oh, poor Harry!

Oh, keep that to show Sandy.

- You just said, "ex."
- Well, you never know.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, Alistair.
Where did you get to this morning?

- Zurich? Alistair's in Zurich.
- What's he doing in Zurich?

Lionel says
what are you doing in Zurich?

Flying home. Oh, right.

Tell Judy what?

Yes, all right, yes.
We'll see you this evening. Bye.

Tell Judy what?

Tell Judy they forgot Copenhagen.

- Who forgot Copenhagen?
- It's obvious.

I've no idea.

Well, it must mean something.

It means "Wait". Look, it says "Wait".

No, no, I mean Alistair's message.
Who forgot Copenhagen?

Well, it can't be the Danes.

If one of you technophiles
could tear yourselves away...

Hello?

Oh, hello, Harry. Yes, I'm fine, thanks.

Supper tonight? Look, I don't think so.

Look, we've been through all this before.

As long as you insist...

What?

For the whole season?

Look, you'd better mean this, Harry.

Yes, all right.

No, I'll meet you there. Bye.

Erm... Harry says that he's going
to give up rugby for the whole season.

Well, it must mean something,
mustn't it? See you later.

I'll get that.

- You didn't tell her about the leg.
- Neither did you.

- What leg?
- Harry's.

- He broke it, playing rugby.
- Oh!

No, no, no, Judy, don't. Just give them
a chance. They might get it together.

- Yeah, or Sandy will k*ll him.
- Or Sandy will k*ll him.

- Hi.
- Hello, Alistair.

Sandy let me in.

It was quite sunny in Zurich.

You didn't go
just to see what the weather was like.

No, no. I went to Zurich
because they forgot Copenhagen.

Oh, who forgot Copenhagen?

The bad guys.

They managed to zap Sven in Sweden
but they forgot Carl in Copenhagen.

I emailed Carl. Carl emailed Zurich and
there's a chink of light. It's very simple.

Let me go over it from Singapore.

No, don't go over it again.
Just tell us what the end result is.

I'm down but not out.

I've come out with enough
to keep my head above water.

- Oh, that is good news.
- It's great news.

- We're pleased for you.
- Thanks.

So, Judy, what say we pop
a few champagne corks to celebrate?

If your head is just above water, perhaps
we should settle for a bottle of red.

Whatever you say.

What about the older folks who
I've come to think of as Mom and Pop?

Oh, us? No, thank you, Alistair.

No, we take all our evening pills
round about this time.

OK.

Hey, I couldn't actually call you
Mom and Pop, could I?

No.

We'll work on that one.

Right, see you later, then.
Oh, just a minute.

I hope you keep liking
this just-me guy, Judy.

- I'm going to be struggling for a while.
- I don't mind.

I don't think I've managed to salvage
more than about one and a half million.

Well, you wouldn't want me
actually to be poor, would you?

Nobody could be that self-sacrificing.

No, I suppose not.

- One and a half million?
- That's what he said.

- Yes, but one and a half million!
- Don't go on about the money.

I think love is in the air.

- You're a hopeless romantic.
- Yes, I suppose I am.

Oh, not that thing again!

Only ten minutes.

I didn't touch it. I didn't touch it!

You couldn't have reached
with your little arms. It's a power cut.

There's a candle here somewhere.

Oh. Yes, look.

There, that's better.

- I'll get some more.
- No, one's enough.

You're the romantic. Come and sit down.

Ah! Are you sure you didn't fix it
for the lights to go off?

No. Even with my immensely long arms,

I couldn't reach
the cupboard under the stairs.

No, I suppose not.

- It is romantic, though, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

Why are you smiling?

I was just thinking
of the things you could still do

that require no
technological expertise at all.

Oh, Lionel, you are a rascal.

Well, I have my moments.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪