09x01 - Time to Settle Down

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪A kiss is still a kiss

♪A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪As time goes by ♪

- Postman Pat's been
- In his little red van?

- No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels
- Not the same, is it?

Nothing's the same I mean, look at all this lot

Did I ask for it? Did you ask for it?

Did these people ask our permission
to send us all this?

- No, so we have to wade through it every morning
- Well, that's hardly wading through it

At least have a look
There might be something interesting,

something piquant

- Piquant?
- Yes

- I mean, for instance, would you like a stair lift?
- No, I would not

Oh! They come in a choice of three colours
I see you in maroon

Now, let's see Oh!
So much for your wading through it,

you threw away a postcard from America

- Oh, how sweet It's from Lillian Stevens
- Is it?

- You don't know who that is, do you?
- Yes, I do She's American

- And?
- And it was very nice of her to send us a card

Lillian Stevens,
that nice lady we met in Los Angeles

Yeah, I know that

- Very tall
- No

- Long black hair
- No

- She wore very tight leather trousers
- No, she didn't!

- You sure?
- I'm positive

- Well, somebody did
- Yes, well, obviously somebody did

Anyway, Lillian,
the real Lillian, sends you her love

Thank you

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(JEAN SIGHING)

Lillian also says
that if you're thinking of a stair lift,

get one in maroon

- Oh, hello
- Hello

Harry, where have you been hiding?

It's a silly question to ask a policeman, isn't it?

I've been pretty busy, actually,
studying for my sergeant's exams

Oh Sandy's very well

- Good
- I just thought I'd tell you

- Is Sandy in, being Saturday?
- No, she's out with Judy

Oh, right Well

Oh, no, come in anyway
Lionel would like to see you

Oh, why?

Well, not specifically, just generally
Come in and say hello

- Well, how did the exams go?
- Pretty well I passed

I'm a sergeant now Well, detective sergeant, CID

Really? Oh, well done Sandy will be proud

- Will she?
- Of course she will

Oh, she'll be ever so proud

- Lionel, look, it's Harry
- Harry?

- Oh yes, Harry How are you?
- Very well, sir Thank you

- Not "sir", please
- Oh, sorry

- Oh, are you thinking of getting a stair lift?
- No, I am not

- Harry's in plain clothes
- So he is

No, I mean officially
He's a detective sergeant now

- Is he?
- Yes

- He's come to see Sandy
- She's out

Well, we know she's out,
but Harry wasn't to know that, was he?

Well, he is a detective

- Sit down, Harry Would you like a coffee?
- Oh, no, thanks

I wouldn't mind another one

Sandy's very well

- Yes, you said
- Oh, yes, so I did

She'll be back very soon

- They're shopping They could be hours, days
- No, they couldn't

I expect you want to tell her your news

Yes, but not just the promotion
There's some other news

- Bigger
- Bigger?

Yeah, sort of crossroads, really Do you, don't you?

- I see
- I think I will have another coffee

- Well, I expect you'd like to talk it over
- Yes, yes I need to do that

- Yes, of course you do Of course you do
- We're running low on sugar

Well, we're here and we're very fond of you

So if you'd like to talk it over, well, we're here

Well, that's very kind of you,
but it's Sandy I really need to speak to

- She should be the first to know
- Well, of course Yes, of course

(SIGHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

- How's the rugby going, Harry?
- Oh

"How's the rugby going"?

Look, the boy's got something to tell Sandy,
not us

Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude

- You always take that attitude
- I am by nature a noninterventionist

Well, I'm not intervening
I just want to know what's going on

Well, the only concrete fact we have is that
Harry's moved to outside centre this season,

and I don't think he'd want to tell Sandy that

- Hello, hello!
- Oh, Sandy?

- Yes?
- Harry called round

- Harry?
- Yes He says he's got something to tell you

Oh

- You don't seem very excited
- Well, I haven't seen him for ages

- What did he want to tell me?
- Well, he didn't say

Not that we asked

But he says it's important
He says it's very important

Well, if it's that important,
why on earth didn't he wait?

Well, because he had to go

- Ah, he's probably got a rugby match on
- Well, it is Saturday

Look, he did not mention rugby

I expect he's got to detect something

- What?
- Well, he's a detective sergeant now

Hmm

- And he still wants to see you very desperately
- Did he actually say "desperately"?

Well, he didn't actually say it, but you could see it
in his face, couldn't you, Lionel?

Could you, Lionel?

I've never really been good with faces

- But he does want to see you
- Desperately

I thought you said Bolivia

Oh, you did?

- Alistair, what are you doing in Bolivia?
- I'm re...

- Re-what?
- Regrouping.

Regrouping?

Look, you keep on breaking up

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Just a minute Come in

This one's yours Oh, sorry

No, it's all right
I can only hear every other word here anyway

Alistair

What? Yes, why don't you do that?

Hasta la vista to you, too

Bye!

- He's in Bolivia
- Should I ask why?

Regrouping That's what he said
What does that actually mean?

Well, I don't know
Well, sort of getting his act together, I suppose

Making money That's what he means, isn't it?

- You make it sound like g*n-running
- Do I? Well, I just wish he would stop

I mean, it's like having a relationship
with a jumping bean

Talking of relationships,

Harry called round when we were out

- Harry?
- Hmm

- Do you miss him?
- Sometimes

Well, not all the time, but
Yeah, sometimes I really do

I miss him being kind

I miss him hardly ever finding the right words
for what he wants to say

The times when we didn't need words at all

Then I think of him packing his bloody rugby kit
and disappearing all the time,

and I don't miss him one bit

Did you know that the capital of Bolivia
is La Paz and Sucre?

- Of course
- The second official language is Quechua

Well, everyone knows that

- I suppose you speak it
- Fluently

I suppose this interest in Bolivia
has something to do with Alistair being there

Well, you like to know, don't you?

I'd like to know what it is
that Harry wants to tell Sandy

He wants to tell her about his promotion, I expect

But he told us that

So he did Well, we'll just have to wait and see

- What if he wants to marry her?
- (SCOFFING) That's not news, is it?

Not news?

No, I mean,
Harry said he had some news for Sandy

Proposing is a question

You don't say, "I've got some news
We're going to get married," do you?

Not unless you're on terribly firm ground,
I suppose

- Which they're not
- Which they're not

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, for goodness sake!

Are we the only people
who go to bed in this country?

That'll be Harry

- How do you know that?
- Well, detectives keep very strange hours

It's a well-known fact I'll wake Sandy

Shall we just make sure first?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

LIONEL: Yes, yes, yes!

Don't open the door It could be anyone

- But you just said
- No, just have a look first

(GASPS)

- What is it?
- Eyes

Oh

Li, hombre!

You're in Bolivia

- Alistair?
- Jean, hombre!

You're in Bolivia

I hate to argue with major-league people,
but I am here

But you only phoned Judy a few hours ago
Even you can't travel that quickly

No, no, no That was Glasgow
My signal kept breaking up

I was in Bolivia, that's what I said

Well, that's sorted out
Nice to see you, Alistair, good night

Lionel!

(JEAN SIGHING)

- Always the joker, eh, Li?
- I wasn't joking Do you know what time it is?

Well, tell you the truth,
I'm a bit out of sync with time at the moment

I'm either eight hours behind or 14 hours in front

Well, look, come in and sit down
Would you like something to eat?

Oh, well No thanks, I had supper in Glasgow,
or was that breakfast in Monaco?

I was in Monaco before Glasgow I'm sure I was

I think I'll make a cup of tea

Isn't this great?

I mean, here I am,
back in the bosom of the land that bore me

with two of my favourite human beings

- What's going on?
- Three of my favourite human beings

Sorry

- I thought you were in Bolivia
- No, let me explain that

Oh, on the whole, Alistair, no, thank you

- Sandy, is Judy awake?
- Not if she's got any sense, no

- What's going on?
- Him Good night

Hey, hey Don't you look a million dollars?

No You said you were in Bolivia

I really must get a fifth-generation mobile
Was, was!

- Well, I think Judy would like to know why
- Well Cheers, Li

- Oh, thanks, Lionel
- Thanks, Lionel You are a love

- Where was I?
- Bolivia

- I think I'll go back to bed
- No, no, no, no Come on, sit

Okay, okay

Cutting through the husk to the pith,

Alistair Deacon is back

Well, I don't mean here I mean there!

- I'm a player again
- What's he talking about?

- Well, it's obvious
- Money

- Money
- Right

You know how things have been
I mean, I was down I mean down

- To your last million
- Exactly And

- Don't go, Jean and Lionel
- No, we weren't going

Because I want you to hear this as well

I'm ready for the magic moment The big M

Alistair Deacon is ready for marriage

Yeah To Judy

You're ready for marriage
because you're back up there?

- Because you're a player again?
- Right

Wrong

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm asleep

You used to say that when you were a little girl

Yes, well, I've really matured, haven't I?

Look All this tearing round the world,
these weird meetings with weird people,

Alistair is doing it for you

Yes, I know, but I don't want him to

If I get married again,
I want it to be to someone who's there,

not someone on the end of a mobile
about 15 time zones away

And don't tell me that this latest venture
has got anything to do with publishing

No, I wasn't going to

Look, when he was down, his version of down,

he was like a real person

If that person had asked me to marry him

Oh, well, what's he reverted to?

He's like a mad battery toy
whose battery never runs down

- Lionel isn't like that
- No, he's not He's more of the wind-up model

- I'm proud of you, you know
- Well, what on earth for?

Well, it's a rare woman
who wants her fella to make less money

Well, maybe ex-fella
I mean, Alistair's not noted for his attention span

He's probably on the phone
to Miss Bolivia right now

Anyway

Anyway

- Good night, love
- Good night, Mum

Oh, don't wake Lionel

Oh, no Bless his cotton socks,

he's got this thing about staying awake
until I'm in bed, too

(JEAN CHUCKLING)

(SIGHING)

Now not only am I worried about Sandy,
but I'm worried about Judy

(SNORING)

JEAN: Thank you very much for coming

- Goodbye
- Bye

Jean?

Jean!

Why are you back so soon?
You said you'd be longer than that

- Longer than what?
- Than you were

What were the police doing here?

- They called round
- Why?

- Because I asked them to
- Why?

Because I reported a prowler

- You didn't say anything to me about a prowler
- Oh, didn't I?

Look, would you come out of there, please?

First, you're messing about with that cupboard,
which you always do in times of stress

I'm not messing about with it I'm rationalising it

Which means taking everything out
and putting it all back again

And secondly, I can't believe I'm saying this,

you invent a prowler
in order to get the police round

in the hope that the police
will be represented by Harry?

Well?

You think you're very clever sometimes, don't you?

Not especially, but I do know
that I'm not given to fits of temporary insanity

That was a very dangerous thing to do

You could lock somebody in a cupboard
and they could suffocate

I was thinking of scrambling some eggs
to go with your scrambled brains

Look, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing

I didn't have Harry's home number so I thought

Well, I thought I'd phone him at the station

And do something simple
like ask to speak to him?

Yes, but then I suddenly thought,
well, what on earth do I say?

"Hello, Harry, what is it you want to tell Sandy?"
Well, I couldn't say that, could I?

No, I suppose not

- Did you ask for him by name?
- No, of course not!

I did suggest it was a job for a detective sergeant

- Naturally
- So they sent the two constables instead

Both nice lads One of them, Tony,
plays in a country and western band

Does he really?

- I suppose you think this is very funny
- No, almost tragic

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'll get it

Hello? Oh, Harry!

(WHISPERING) It's Harry

Oh, you heard Yes, it was a frightening business

Yes Oh, my description?

Well, it's a bit vague
I mean, I didn't really get a good look at him

Yes, I'm sure you will

Yes, and, Harry, while you're on the phone,
I was wondering if

Oh, no Of course, of course, yes Goodbye

He had to go

- What?
- You gave the police a description

of this nonexistent prowler?

Well, they asked It was very vague

(DOOR CLOSING)

SANDY: It's only me!

You know that the penalty
for wasting police time is 99 years' hard labour?

- Well, at least I got to talk to Harry
- Yes, so you did A shame he had to go

Hi

- Oh, hello, Sandy Are you all right?
- Yes, fine

I just came home to change

Suddenly remembered
I've got a business lunch and, well

- This won't do, will it?
- Not really

Why not?

- Anyway, I'll just go
- Look, Sandy, before you go,

I've just been talking to Harry on the phone

- Harry?
- Yes He sends his love

Says how much he's missing you

and he'll be in touch soon,
but he's been very busy, so he'll see you soon

- And you've just been talking to him?
- Yes, just a minute ago

- Then why would he say all that?
- Well, because he's very fond of you

He phoned me at work an hour ago

- I'm seeing him tonight
- Good

So, what's going on?

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

- Help yourself
- Okay

You're a woman, right?

No, I'm not

Stretch the mind Imagine you're a woman

Try my best

- Right, so
- Am I attractive?

Very You've got, er, dark brown hair,

beautiful big eyes, a smile that lights up a room

and these lovely little dimples

Where?

On your cheeks Get the picture?

Quite fancy meself

- Now, I ask you to marry me, okay
- This isn't the first date, is it?

No, no, no, no

Now, bear in mind that I have practically
circumnavigated the globe to get it right,

to make sure
that you have everything you could possibly want

What do you say?

- Yeah I accept
- 'Cause it shows that I care, right?

No, because I might be pretty,

but there's no guarantee
I'll keep my looks forever, is there?

- I'll have the same again
- Right

But you know where I'm coming from, right?
I mean, you must have been in love yourself

No, not me, mate I'm married

(MOBILE RINGING)

Alistair Deacon

Hey, hey, lovely lady

Me?

Well, I might just be in a "set 'em up, Joe"
sort of a mood

Well, you know, the song Frank Sinatra

♪ It's quarter to three

♪ There's no one in the place
except you and me ♪

What? No, no, that's the barman

Well, yes, I suppose he has
She says you have a nice voice

Thank you very much The girl with the dimples?

No, it's her mother

Convince her, Alistair
You've just got to convince her

Look, I've got to go now,
but remember what I said

- Yes, bye
- Old Mother Hubbard, I presume

- Look, I'm just making a phone call
- From a cupboard?

Well, people make phone calls
from all sorts of places these days

Why can't you let people
just sort things out for themselves?

Because they can't

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That'll be Harry

- Oh, come in, Harry
- Thanks

- Good evening, sir Lionel
- Hello, Harry

You go in and sit down I'll give Sandy a shout

- Right
- Sandy!

Incidentally, Harry,
any luck with this prowler business?

Not from what I hear, no I mean, to be honest,
there's not really a lot to go on, you see

- No, there isn't, is there?
- You just go in and sit down

I'll give her a shout again Sandy!
Thank you for that

I'm just civic-minded, that's all

- Harry's here
- Yes, I guessed that

Is that what you're wearing?

- What's wrong with it?
- Well, nothing, but Harry's here

(SIGHING)

(COUGHING)

Oh, all right, all right

- Oh, you look terrific
- Oh, I should have dressed up

No, you don't need to be dressed up for me
You look terrific anyway

You always did

- So, how's the rugby?
- Oh, great

Yeah, I've moved to outside centre this year
and it really suits my

- You never did like rugby, did you?
- Not really, no

- Jean said you had some news
- Yes

I'm going to Canada

- Oh, that's nice A holiday?
- No, to work

I've been offered the chance
of an attachment to the RCMP

- The Mounties
- For a year

Don't think I'll get a horse

- A year
- Yeah

See, I wanted to tell you because

Well, I didn't want to just disappear

No

- Thank you
- It's a great opportunity

Yes Yes, of course it is

Well, let's Let's go out and have
that drink, then, shall we?

Good idea

- A sort of farewell drink, I suppose
- Well, it doesn't have to be

- Why is that?
- I'm not going for a few weeks

- Oh!
- Oh!

Sorry Just wondered if Harry would like an apple

An apple?

No, no, thanks all the same
We're just going to go out for a drink

- Oh, excellent Celebration?
- Yes, sort of

Harry's going to Canada on attachment For a year

Oh, is he?

- And
- No That's it, really

- See you later
- HARRY: Bye

You're turning transparency into an art form

Harry's going on attachment to Canada for a year,
whatever that means

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I suppose

He won't have to wear
one of those silly hats, will he?

- Is that all you can say?
- Offhand, yes

- He didn't ask Sandy to go with him
- Oh

- Well, wouldn't you?
- I can't see the Mounties wanting me

- No lf, if!
- All right, then

If I were young and single

- and hadn't met you
- Oh, thank you

I'd gallop up on my horse,
in my red coat and silly scout's hat,

throw Sandy across my pommel and gallop off

Well, there you are, then What's wrong with the
What's a pommel, anyway?

Part of a saddle

Anyway, women get thrown across them
in all the best books

- Your reading leaves a lot to be desired
- Well, it was only an illustration

Well, anyway, that's what he should be doing
or its equivalent What's he doing? Nothing

You can't manufacture
happy endings for everybody, you know

- Well, why not? We had one
- What do you mean, "had"? We're still having it

Oh, yes How nice

What about Sandy? What about Judy?

- What about Judy?
- Oh, would you like an apple?

- No, thanks What about Judy?
- Your mother wants some happy endings

Yeah, well, don't we all
Anyway, so what was Harry's news?

He's going on attachment to Canada
and he's going alone

Royal Canadian Mounted Police

Lionel says he should ride up,
throw Sandy across his pommel

- Across his what?
- His pommel, that's part of the saddle

And gallop off with her

- Not really Harry's style, though, is it?
- No

- I remember Alistair turned up on a horse once
- Yes, so he did

He was wearing a suit of armour He squeaked

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Sandy's had a row with Harry and she's back

- Sandy has a key
- Oh

- Hi, Li!
- Hello, Alistair, come in

- It's Alistair Don't run off
- No, I wasn't going to

People, I'm in a mood to blow some minds

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, your mobile's ringing

And that's just an example
Judy, I need you in the garden

- No Why?
- Please Jean?

Well, if you want to go into the garden,
go into the garden

No, I meant for you to come into the garden,
too, and Li

- Why?
- Oh, don't be a spoilsport

Look, it's cold out there

Yes, it is Look, Alistair,
if you've got something to say, just say it in here

Okay

Whatever

I shall need a bin and some matches

- Why?
- Don't keep saying "why" This is exciting

Why?

A bin and some matches, right

- It is exciting, isn't it?
- I'd sooner not rush to a judgement

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, it's still alive

(RINGING FADES)

You've got to hand it to the Swedes

- Is this going to be some sort of conjuring trick?
- Shh! Shh, Li!

In a funny sort of a way, Li, it might be

Judy, I want you to marry me

I know you said no the last time,
but that was almost in another age

- It was four days ago
- Whatever Anyway,

I've realised I got it wrong
I've had it wrong for a long time

You see, when I was broke,

well, almost broke, you

Well, you always found time to,
I don't know, like me

- Well, of course I did
- But I couldn't quite believe it, you see

Contrary to world opinion,
I don't think I'm worth very much as a person

I've always thought
that I was just worth whatever I was worth

Does this make any sense?

- Look, you don't really need us
- Yes, of course he does

Judy, I've been chasing the big bucks for you,
and I've finally realised that you don't want them

All I hope is that you still want

the stupid four-eyed twit
who's been chasing them because he loves you

- Bin, please, Lionel
- Bin, Alistair

- Matches, please, Lionel
- Matches, Alistair Is it a conjuring trick?

(SHUSHING)

Bolivia Athens Glasgow

Monaco

These are the contracts that will help set up
superdeaccom,

which will make the big bucks

But if you don't want them, Judy,
I don't want them, either

- All I want is that you should marry me
- Oh!

- I'll take that as a yes
- Yes

Yes!

Well, we don't want to throw money away
just for the sake of it

Coffee's ready

I said you'd just put it all back
What happened to rationalisation?

Well, I don't have to rationalise it now
Judy's getting married

Oh, I see

ALISTAIR: I'll bring the car round
I'm parked just round the corner

- Oh!
- Hasta la vista, Mom and Pop-in-law

"Pop-in-law"?

- We're going out to eat
- I'm so pleased for you, love

- Thanks, Mum
- So am I

Except

- Except what?
- No "except" No, he didn't mean "except" at all

No, I'm afraid I did

I want you to be happy, Judy, but, erm,
I have to say this

Alistair's grand gesture with those contracts

A small voice in my brain keeps saying,
"Were they real contracts or just bits of paper?"

- Lionel
- No, no, no It's all right,

because a small voice in my brain
kept saying the same thing,

but I could hardly get down
on my hands and knees and spoil the moment

by reading them, could I?

Either way, it doesn't matter

Because somewhere in all that
the real Alistair said the right thing

- Bye
- Bye

Bye

Oh, I found some photos of us in Los Angeles

- When we stormed American television?
- Virtually, yes

- Look
- I don't think I want to relive that experience

- No look, it's Lillian Stevens
- Who?

That lady we met over there
who sent us the card the other day

The one you described as being tall
with long black hair and tight leather trousers

- That's not the woman I meant
- No Obviously

Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it?

I could have sworn
I was describing Lillian Stevens

Yes

Who were you describing?

- Coffee?
- Lionel

Lionel!

♪ You must remember this

♪A kiss is still a kiss

♪A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪As time goes by

♪And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say, "I love you"

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪As time goes by ♪