02x02 - #2

[bunniefuu]

- (SOFT MUSIC)
- (INSECTS CHIRPING)

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- (SUCKING SOUND)

(SUCKING CONTINUES)

What's that sound?

(SAM SUCKING)

(MUFFLED): This one?

- Yeah, that one.
- (SUCKS)

(MOUTH FULL): It's my cheesy poof.

- FRED: Your what?
- My cheesy poof.

- (IMITATING): Cheesy poof?
- My cheesy poof.

- I like suckin' on 'em.
- FRED: She sure do.

- (SAM AND FRED LAUGH)
- Joel, come on, it's your turn.

- It's been his turn.
- I'm still deciding what to do.

- Joel, come on.
- Oh, my God.

Do you ever think about
what people do in your house?

Well, you know Joel made
a list of rules, so...

- So?
- TIFFANI: Exactly.

No one pays attention
to rules in a rental.

- (TIFFANI LAUGHS)
- Wait, seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

I don't think anybody would, like...

- do anything...
- What? Like...

- f*ck in your bed?
- They're definitely banging in your bed.

- And your couch.
- And on your kitchen counter

where you make those peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Ew, gross! No!

- (KNOCKING)
- Did you invite somebody else?

SUSAN: (SING-SONG): Hello!

Is this where the party's at?

- Hi!
- TIFFANI/JOEL: Hi.

It's so exciting to
finally meet the g*ng.

- Can I get some hugs? Well, first...
- Me first.

- I gotta hug Fred.
- Hey, babe.

What is happening?

(SUSAN GIGGLING)

- Hi! (GIGGLES)
- Okay.

- Hi!
- Hi. Oh, my God!

- This is crazy, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm. Yes.

(JOEL LAUGHS)

Just had a long drive.

I'm gonna go freshen up
and then you can deal me in.

FRED: Babe, you want me
to come up there with ya

- and help you get settled?
- No, no, no, babe.

- You stay here.
- You sure?

- I'll just be a few minutes.
- Okay.

- Joel. Still your turn.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Um, "babe"?
- Babe?

- Who was that?
- Who was that?

Susan, my fiancée.

- Excuse me?
- What?

(WHEEZES) Your what?

What, I never mentioned her?

Uh, I don't believe so!

Y-you guys never listen
to me anyway, that's why.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.

This is so mysterious!
I mean, congratulations,

but are you gonna fill us in?

Yeah, after you take your turn.

- Oh... Okay.
- W...

We're just gonna play cards
like that didn't happen?

- Don't worry about it.
- Oh, my God, full house.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, f*ck off!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- (CHIPS CLATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Come on. Who doesn't love
a beautiful mathematician?

- Oh, Fred.
- (LAUGHS) What?

This woman right here?
She's like a mustang.

- (GIGGLING)
- I never thought I'd catch her.

The timing just never worked out.

I was dating someone, then
Fred wasn't available...

I thought all these
trips you were taking

- were to visit your mom.
- FRED: Well, you know, sort of,

but I needed a little help
with my, uh, arithmetic.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- So, when did you guys meet?
- SUSAN: Oh, when was grad school, hon?

- Um, what?
- SAM: Wait.

You... you went to grad school together?

FRED: Yeah, we were
friends at grad school,

and then, uh, a little bit more.

But then, she got engaged to some guy,

and then, she got
engaged to another guy.

Oh, that was a mistake.

- He was a pig.
- Copy that.

- (LAUGHS)
- FRED: But then, I, you know,

I slid in there, and let
her cry on my shoulder.

- Yeah, you did!
- FRED: Tiffani!

- (LAUGHTER)
- SUSAN: Is that how it happened?

It's always been Fred for me.

He didn't want me to hide, so
I had to come out to my dad.

I said to him, "I'm dating
someone who is important to me.

He's trans, and I want you to know."

- That's really beautiful.
- So sweet.

Come on, I'm turning !

I'm not gonna play the field anymore.

Plus, I have this situation right here.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Susie, you know,

she helps me tie my shoes
every single morning.

- (LAUGHTER)
- That's love.

- Okay, how about some sh*ts, people?
- Yes!

TIFFANI: Yes, please.

ALL: sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts,
sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts!

- JOEL: Holy sh*t.
- SAM: Holy sh*t is right.

I cannot believe that Fred
was keeping that from us.

I know.

And that he's getting married.

I know!

- (SAM SCOFFS)
- (JOEL GIGGLES)

I thought she was pretty great.

Uh, she was cool.

Just a little boring, but...

- (SCOFFS)
- What?

I don't know, I just...

think it seems a
little fast, that's all.

They've been together for years...

Yeah, but dating other
people, blah, blah, blah.

And now, he's just gettin'
married? What the f*ck?

I think it's wonderful.

They're so cute together.
They seem really happy.

You're happy for them, right?

Of course, I'm happy for them.

I just don't want her
playing poker with us

- every f*ckin' week.
- Sam!

What?

Just kidding.

Don't worry.

I'll always tie your shoes for ya.

You gonna be all sweet to
me when I'm being a c**t?

- Kinda ruins my thing.
- (LAUGHS)

- Tender moment alert.
- Ah!

- Fart sound, fart sound. Get me outta here.
- (STARTS ENGINE)

♪ ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CAR APPROACHING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL, ENGINE STOPS)

Late.

It's five after.

If you're early, you're on time.
If you're on time, you're late.

Oh, my God, just do a cross-stitch.

- Why don't you just go in?
- 'Cause I'm not going in.

Well, I'm not going in either!

- I went in last time. It's your turn!
- Sam!

Please, I'm just... I'm too tender

to handle all of this
right now! I can't!

Can't you just... I mean...

We're going in together.
Gimme the laundry.

Fine, but if she says
anything, I'm leaving.

- SAM: So am I.
- Well, I'm leaving first.

(SAM SIGHS)

- (QUIET CHATTER)
- Hello. Mary Jo Miller.

Oh. Um, Sam?

No, that's her.

Uh, she put you on
the "no visitors" list.

Oh, just me?

- Yeah. Sorry.
- TRICIA: No. No, no, no.

Can you override that in the system?

- Uh...
- TRICIA: Is there like a

manager that we can talk to?

- Because...
- Karen, cool it.

See? You are her favorite.

If you try just a little bit harder,

I know she'll put you
on that "no fly" list.

I am making her take you off of it.

You're back in tomorrow.

Oh, my God, sometimes life just comes in

and tells you it loves
you back. (GIGGLES) Thanks.

♪ ♪

- Hey, how's it going? Good.
- Good.

(STREET NOISE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What do you think these
are, gerbils or prairie dogs?

- I've never seen this set before.
- They're squirrels.

- Or muskrats.
- Muskrats! Oh yeah.

Okay, sir.

Here is your French toast,

and, uh, rest of the order
is gonna be out shortly.

Alright, but who sent this?

Y-you did, s...

It's just a joke.

(LAUGHTER)

- Did you have your coffee yet today?
- No.

You should have some more. (LAUGHS)

- God, I've missed you.
- Can I get a piece of that?

Of course, it's for
the table! Thank you.

(JOEL LAUGHS)

So, kids, lay it on me.

What'd you think of Susan?

(SIGHS) I love her. I love her.

- I love you two together.
- Thank you.

- It's so nice.
- SAM: Yeah, totally.

I can't wait for the wedding.
When is the big day, by the way?

Alright, alright, settle
down. Before we get to that,

I want you both to be a part of it.

Now, Joel, I'd like you to officiate,

and Sammy, you gotta sing.

- Like, at the ceremony?
- Yes.

Are you sure?

Of course, I'm sure, you ding-dongs!

Who else am I gonna ask?

I-I don't wanna f*ck up your big day.

You can't f*ck it up.

- Alright, sh*t, I'm in.
- FRED: Okay, good.

Um, what were you thinking?
I don't know, could do, like,

- "Rock You Like a Hurricane."
- FRED: (LAUGHS) That is a good song,

but Susan has something in mind,

- so I'll send it to you when I get home.
- Okay.

I could also just be, like, a greeter,

or the person who
guards the gifts, or...

(LAUGHS) The person
that guards the gifts?

- Well, you know, from theft.
- FRED: Joel, come on.

You're family.

I want you standing
up there with me, okay?

- Your buddy needs you.
- Okay.

Now, kids.

I need to have the big pieces.

I gotta keep my figure for the big day.

(LAUGHING)

I wonder if this is
good for my diabetes.

- (BANGS TABLE)
- (LAUGHTER)

JOEL: Fred!

SAM: With all due respect,

what exactly are we looking for today?

It's Fred, so I was thinking
something really sweet,

- but also edible.
- Okay.

The real question is,
what am I gonna say?

(SIGHS) I don't know what to say

in front of a big audience at a wedding.

Yeah, you do, Joel. Just...

get up there, and speak from your heart.

Oh, speaking of your
heart, Clone-A-p*ssy.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm gonna make one of those for you

and put it right on your nightstand.

- (EFFEMINATE): No, thank you.
- (LAUGHS)

(NORMAL): Look at this
one. Looks like it could

take care of two things at once.

- Sign me up.
- Yes.

Oh, this is more us.

Sex gummies and...

kissable body powder?

- Uh-oh. Here comes a little tickler.
- (LAUGHS)

Tickle, tickle.

If you start it, you better
be ready to finish it.

- Okay, I'm puttin' it back.
- Okay.

(BOTH SIGH)

You know, I have, um, I have the song.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Hm, it's...

Listening to it, it's kinda...

I don't know, see what you think.

- Oh, I love this song.
- I mean, Joel, I can't sing this.

I can't sing this style of music.

Are you kidding? You're gonna k*ll it.

- You're gonna k*ll it!
- Maybe...

Maybe Susan has, like,
a sweet little niece

that can sing all these
sweet little notes,

and then I'll get up at the reception

when everybody's sh*t-faced
and do my thing then.

(EMOTIONAL SIGH)

- You're not crying.
- (SOBBING LAUGH)

- Are you f*cking crying? Come on, Joel.
- (LAUGHS, SNIFFLES)

It's just so beautiful.

You singing that song with
Fred up there at the altar,

Susan in her beautiful dress.

- It's gonna be great.
- Mm...

Need help with anything?

Yeah, I need so much help.

I'd like something that
can split me in half.

♪ ♪

(CARTS RATTLING)

Well... Hey there!

Oh, hi!

Hi!

- What are you doing out here in Junction City?
- Oh.

Uh, you know, I...

I love that drive.

The scenery, and, um...

S-so, how are you? What
is going on with you?

- It's so good to see you! Yes!
- Oh, great seeing you.

Gosh, I miss Tender Moments.

You girls had such a great thing.

Mm, yes. Thank you.

But, Tricia is doing so well out there!

- Selling those houses.
- Mm.

Actually, I'm Tricia.

- Ah, well the other one. Um...
- Yes.

- Charity! Oh s...
- Yes.

Selling those houses.

Boy, isn't she?

- (LAUGHS)
- Just selling. Selling it, right?

- Ooh, yeah!
- Yeah! Yep.

- I-I mean, you're doing great.
- Yeah! Yes.

- I am. I am, uh...
- Yeah.

I'm doing really, really
great. Like, great.

- (GASPS) Great.
- Um, yes. So,

really, um...

Ah, I love these!
These are my favorites.

- My downfall.
- Oh yeah!

- (LAUGHS)
- Well, I will let you get back to this,

and I will get back to this. It's...

- really so good to see you.
- Great seeing you.

- Mm-hmm, bye!
- Bye.

(CART RATTLING)

(QUIET STORE CHATTER)

(MUTTERING)

Selling the f*ck outta those houses.

(CLATTERING)

♪ ♪

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

SAM: Ring size... . .

So, I think the last
thing I need to know

is what stone you'd like.

- What do you recommend?
- You know what,

we have this camo that's pretty cool.

- Great.
- Alright, let's do it!

And that is all I need,

so I'll just give you
a call when it's ready.

- Sounds good.
- Thank you.

Congrats, Drew.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Nice sale!

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

Hey, Ray, I was wondering

if Stephanie likes her voice teacher?

Oh yeah, she's terrific!

I keep telling everyone

Stephanie decided to go to K-State

'cause she didn't wanna
leave dear old Dad.

The truth is, she just loves Darlene.

Promised to still go to
a couple games with me,

- so I'm not complaining.
- Wait, a-are you talking about Darlene Edwards?

- Yep.
- Wow.

- She's still around.
- Oh, yeah.

Fall recital's next week.

- Sounds pretty wild.
- Hey.

Don't knock it till you come.

You never know, you never know.

Stephanie'd love it. She'd love it.

TRICIA: Look at this bitch. Look at her.

Look at this f*cking bitch!

Oh, my God. (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Okay. Alright.

Why don't you put this on
your page, you f*cking bitch?

Lying c**t.

(SING-SONG): Just keep telling
yourself you're happy. You're not.

- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- Hi, whore.

♪ ♪

(JOEL GIGGLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(QUIETLY): Do you think
we're freaking anyone out?

(QUIETLY): Why?

Well, everyone here is very clearly

- a blood relative of one of the singers.
- (LAUGHS) No.

We're fans of the arts. We're
supporting our community.

Basically, this is like a classy
night out at the Met, you know?

Or the middle school.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Potato, potato.
- (SIGHS)

- Buckle up.
- Why?

(APPLAUSE)

- Looks exactly the same.
- (GIGGLES)

- I like her sparkles.
- Yeah.

Good evening! I'm Darlene Edwards,

and welcome to our fall recital.

The students have worked so hard,

and I very much hope you'll appreciate

the fruits of their dedication.

Mandy?

(JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC)

(MANDY SINGING ARIA IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- Is that what hope and promise look like?
- (GIGGLES)

- I think it actually is.
- I think so. (LAUGHS)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

Hi, I am Stephanie Elliot, and
I am singing "Widmung."

- Oh, this is Ray's kid.
- (PIANO PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(STEPHANIE SINGING IN GERMAN)

- She looks nervous.
- Yeah.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(GASPS) Schumann.

Sick.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Oh, this part fucks me up.

JOEL: How do you know all of this?

Satisfies my depressive side.

- I guess it's better than dr*gs.
- Mm...

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Maybe Fred should hire her for
the wedding. She's really good.

- Sam!
- What?

I'm just kidding. Kind of.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

- Oh no.
- (JOEL GIGGLES)

- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)
- This is unexpected.

JOEL: What grade do you think he's in?

My name is Brad Schraeder.
I will be singing.

"Danza, danza, fanciulla gentile."

(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC)

(PASSIONATELY SINGING IN ITALIAN)

(JOEL AND SAM GIGGLING)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(PIANO STOPS)

- (APPLAUSE)
- I mean, you gotta give it to him.

- He really left it all on the floor.
- Yes, he did.

- And so did I. I think I just wet my pants.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi, uh, Mrs. Edwards?

- I don't know if you remember me...
- Sam Miller?

SAM: Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Oh, I haven't seen you
since you were... ?

- Yeah, well, I-I still basically am.
- (LAUGHS)

That was, um, that was great.

- Oh, thank you. They're a good crop.
- Yeah.

Um...

I don't know if, um, if
you're taking new students,

but, um, I was wondering
if we might be able

to pick up where we left off?

We stopped before we really got started.

I-I know. (LAUGHS)

But, I have this thing, and, um...

I think you really
might be able to help me.

(SIGHS) I'd love that.

Uh, you wanna stop by Tuesday?

PM before my school kids?

- Yep.
- We can find you a spot.

That works. (LAUGHS)

- Oh, this is going to be fun.
- Thank you.

I'mma let you get back to
all your fans. Very popular.

- (LAUGHS) Oh, Sam.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah?

Bring a cassette tape.

I remember. (LAUGHS)

(GASPS) Nicky...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's a family recipe.

Ham wrapped around a
pickle and cream cheese.

We call it St. Louis sushi.

(LAUGHS) Oh. Wow, okay.

It all makes sense in your mouth.

- Oh, does it?
- Yeah.

Tell me what you think. It's addictive!

- Oh, is it? (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) Well, I did it.

Might be a terrible idea,
but I'm starting on Tuesday.

- I got you a plate.
- (SNIFFS) Oh, thank you.

Um, what the f*ck is this?

(LAUGHING)

It's called St. Louis sushi,

- and it's courtesy of...
- Oh.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

- Oh, well then, we have to. Cheers.
- (LAUGHS)

(BOTH CHEWING)

(SAM GIGGLES)

Kinda good, but kinda gross?

- My exact thoughts!
- (LAUGHS)

SAM: If you're choking
on it, it's working.

- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- (DOG BARKING)

(CASSETTES CLACKING)

(BUTTONS CLICK)

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

(GIRLS SINGING): ♪ When
you're feeling down ♪

♪ Nothing feels alright ♪

♪ Go outside, face the light ♪

♪ Make your troubles right ♪

(PIANO CONTINUES)

(SAM LAUGHS SOFTLY)

♪ I know why you're scared, hey, girl ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ It's a big, big world out there ♪

♪ Now, you cannot hide ♪

♪ Get your act together ♪

♪ It doesn't break my world ♪

♪ It's alright, we'll stick together ♪

♪ In a few, in a few ♪

♪ Now, you found the
light that's calling ♪

♪ Now, the world is waiting for you ♪

♪ And the world is warm and splendid ♪

♪ Just as it would be ♪

(FINAL NOTE, PIANO ENDS)

- SAM: Hey.
- JOEL (ON PHONE): Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

JOEL (BREATHLESS): I'm
okay. How you doing?

- Yeah, pretty good.
- JOEL: Good!

- Today was fun, right?
- JOEL: Oh, it was really fun.

Hey, I-I just need to hold on for

- one quick second, please.
- JOEL: Okay...

- (FARTING, DIARRHEA SPLASHING)
- Oh sh*t!

- (DIARRHEA SPLASHING)
- (WINCING)

(FARTING)

Oof! Oof! Oh!

Sam?

- (SIGHS)
- (BEEP)

Yeah, hey, I'm here.
Sorry, had a call. (PANTING)

Hey, are you... That
was fun though, right?

Are... Joel, a-are you feeling okay?

You know, I was gonna ask you...

- (STOMACH GROWLING)
- Can you hold on just a second? Oh God!

- (DIARRHEA SPLASHING)
- Oh! Oh no!

- (FARTING)
- Oh! Oh, ow.

- (GROANING)
- (PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, I'm back. (SNIFFS)

(GASPS) Joel, um...

Something seems to be
happening here. It's bad.

Oh God, I'm so glad
because something really bad

is happening to me, too.

- (STOMACH GURGLING)
- Oh, Joel!

- (BEEP)
- (FARTING, DIARRHEA SPLASHING)

JOEL: Oh, I gotta go! I gotta...

- Hold on, hold on, hold on!
- (BEEP)

- (GROANING)
- (DIARRHEA SPLASHING)

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- (FARTING)
- (WHIMPERING)

- (BEEP)
- Okay, I'm back. I'm back.

Joel, if we don't... if we
don't make it till tomorrow,

- please... Oh no!
- (FARTING)

- Oh, my God, mute! I'm sorry! (LAUGHING)
- (DIARRHEA SPLASHING)

JOEL: Oh jeez! Ooh, I
heard that! I heard that!

- (LAUGHS)
- SAM: Oh, my God, I swear to God,

if you ever tell anybody

what just happened to my assh*le,

- I will come over there!
- (LAUGHING)

I do not have the words to explain

what just happened to your assh*le.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.

- JOEL: It was the St. Louis sushi!
- I know!

- It was that f*cking guy!
- (FARTING)

- Oh no! Oh no, Joel.
- (JOEL LAUGHING)

I dropped my phone!

- I can't reach my phone!
- (LAUGHS)

- This is a new level of intimacy.
- (SAM LAUGHING)

I know. (SIGHS) Oh, I gotta wipe.

Oh, Joel.

- (LAUGHS) Oh no.
- JOEL: W-what?

Well, I have some real bad news for me.

It appears I left the toilet
paper in the back of my truck.

(JOEL LAUGHING)

(PIANO PLAYING LIVELY INTRO)

(BRAD SINGING "DANZA,
DANZA, FANCIULLA GENTILE")

♪ ♪