03x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Dutch, convinced that Eunice
was playing around,

which she was,
followed her to a hotel,

where he met Billy,
who convinced him she wasn't.

Chester tried
to convince Corrine

that he wasn't playing around,
which he was,

but Corrine was not convinced.

Real Burt convinced Alien Burt
to leave Earth for good,

which he did,

and now Burt can go home

and convince Mary
he's who he is.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Billy...

Hi, Ma.

Billy, it's after : .

Where have you been?

Uh, I was out, studying.

Again?

You know, for years,

you were always saying to me,

"You never study."

Now I study,
you say I shouldn't.

I'm not saying you shouldn't,
but you study all the time,

and I want you to have fun.

I'm having fun, Ma.
I promise you, I'm having fun.

Okay...

but I've also noticed

that you're not eating
very much lately.

Is something
bothering you, honey?

No, of course not.
Don't be silly.

Yeah.

What?

Well, you see, my friend, Bobby,

he's having some problems,

and I'm a little worried
about him.

You're a good friend, Billy.

Yeah, well, you know...

What is his problem?

He's in love
with one of his teachers.

Oh, that's normal.

Everyone at one time or another
gets a crush on a teacher.

I had a terrible crush
on Mr. McGee.

No, it's not a crush, Ma.
They're dating.

I wonder
if I'd dated Mr. McGee

if I would've passed algebra.

Oh, well.
What difference does it make?

Algebra.

I have never once
in all these years

had to find "X."

So, your friend Bobby
and his teacher are dating?

Yeah, and he's really worried
about it.

I mean, one,
because she's his teacher,

and two, she's an older woman.

He's really in love with her.

She's incredible.

She's beautiful, and bright,

sensitive, and fun.

From what Joe says.

Who's Joe?

My friend.

I thought you said
his name was Bobby.

It is. It's Bobby-Joe.

He's Southern.

Uh, he's got a brother
Billy-Joe, a brother Benny-Joe,

a father, Bonnie-Joe
and a mother, Millie-Joe.

I see.

Well, these relationships
really often work out.

You know, take for instance

Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore.

Now, she's much older
than he is,

and they went together
for years.

Of course, he is with
that little nun now.

It all worked out.

I mean, nobody
seemed to get hurt.

See, I saw Dinah this afternoon

on her show.

She was happy, smiling.

So it can work out?

Oh, absolutely.

Even your cousin, Cynthia.

She was married to someone
much older too

in her first marriage.

She was and he was .

Well, it didn't last long.

He d*ed on the honeymoon.

But these relationships
can work out.

Oh, boy, that's a relief.

James'll be so happy.

Who's James?

My friend.

I thought you said
his name was Bobby-Joe.

Bobby-Joe James.

Uh, country and western singer.

You never heard
of Bobby-Joe James?

It's you, isn't it?

I guess.

You and your teacher?

Yes.

Good God,
how could she do such a thing?

I mean, how sick,

to get involved
with a mere child

when she's, what,
probably , years old?

I mean, how shocking, how sick...

She's not .

What makes you think she's ?

You said she was older.

is older.

She's .

!

Oh, God, Billy.

years old.

Mom, just seconds ago,
you said it was okay.

You remember Burt Reynolds,
Dinah Shore?

Well, we don't know
how they feel.

I mean, you cannot take
Rona Barrett's word

for everything, you know.

You said
Dinah looked fine, happy.

Lighting.

It's just that
you're still such a little baby.

I'm not a baby, Mom.

Just four years ago,

you cried when you struck out
at Little League.

That was a long time ago.

I don't want you to get hurt.

I won't get hurt.

You might get hurt.

If I do get hurt,
it was worth it.

Mom, she's a nice person.

A nice, -year-old person
who teaches history.

Well, I guess
I can't object, can I?

I mean, if she's a nice person,

how can I object?

I mean, I'd like to find
a way to object, but...

There's nothing to worry about.

I promise you.

It's okay.

There's absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Well, I guess I'm going

to have to let you grow up, huh?

I will anyway.

I know.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, honey.

Just yesterday, rubber pants.

Ma...

Just yesterday.

Mare!

Mare, where've you been?

I slept at Jessica's.

Oh, Mare, Mare, Mare.

Stop it!

You're always all over me,

pawing me, touching me.

I'm not an avocado.

Wait a minute, Mare.
What's the matter?

Did we meet at the drugstore?

Yes.
And did you disappear?

Yes.

You really disappeared?

I'm not crazy?
You disappeared?

Mare, you're not crazy.
I disappeared.

You can make yourself disappear?

No.

You're making me crazy.

Mary, wait a minute.

Mare, Mare, listen,
I disappeared.

I did. I disappeared,

but I didn't make me disappear.

They made me disappear.

We're both crazy.
No, no.

Mare, listen to me.
Mare, please listen to me.

You've gotta hear this now.

Remember when I went looking

for the spaceship?

I found it.

Mare, I'm telling you,
they beamed me up to their ship.

I was on the ship.

It was an alien spaceship.

You were on an alien spaceship.

That's it.
Right. Yeah.

Look at this.
Look at that.

See?

It's a knob.

Yeah, yeah, from the spaceship.

Here. We were both
on a spaceship.

No, wait a minute, Mare.

Mary, please.

Saul gave it to me.

Saul? An alien named Saul?

Yes. No, no, no.
Saul's not an alien.

He's like you and me.

They captured him
like they captured me,

only they captured him
, years ago.

They've probably stopped
looking for him by now.

Mary, please, listen.

That's what they do.
They capture people.

Then, in order
to study the Earth,

they send down a duplicate
of the guy they captured.

See, they took an alien,

a little guy...

they're all little guys,

it's like munchkins
all around you...

and they put him into
an exact duplicate of my body.

Mary, they can do
that stuff. Really.

In this case, unfortunately,

they sent down
this little sex-crazy guy...

Sex-crazy?

Yeah, it seems he hadn't had sex
in , years.

I mean, , years, Mary.

I get crazy after a week.

Mare, I'm the Real Burt.

I'm the Real Burt!

You stick a pin in me,
you get blood.

You stick a pin in him,
you get Freon.

Burt, it's true.

Sex-crazy. It wasn't you.

That's what I'm telling you.

You're you!

I'm me. He's him.

I'm not him. I'm me.

Where is he?

I... Well, they beamed him
up to the ship.

He's up there
in his little silver body,

diddling around.

Burt, I'm not crazy.

I'm really not crazy.

I thought I was crazy,
but I am not crazy.

Oh! Oh, thank God.

I'd go crazy if I was crazy.

Oh, Burt.

Welcome home.

It must have been terrible
up there.

No. Well, you know, actually,
they were pretty nice to me,

but the terrible part
was not being with you.

That was the terrible part.

That and the teeny little
portions they serve up there.

I am so happy that you're home.

Wait. Hey, Mare, wait.

Mare, when you came in,
you said I...

I couldn't keep
my hands off you.

Did, uh, did he, uh...

Nothing.

Really.

Tapped me on the shoulder a lot.

Wait a minute, Mary, please now.

He was a very horny little guy.

Really?

Yeah, Mare, come on, just...
Tell me. I mean...

You know, did any...
You know, you and...

Well, Burt,
I thought it was you.

While I was up there with them,

you were up there with him?

I didn't know it was him.
I thought it was you.

So how was I?

Unbelievably... bad. Bad.

Bad?

Huh!

How come?

It just wasn't you.

[LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY]

[SMACKS LIPS]

So, I thought it would help
if I found the kidnappers.

I thought
it would make me feel better,

but it turns out it didn't.

I mean,
it didn't bring you back.

God, I miss you so much, Elaine.

I never knew what it was like
to miss somebody until now.

I'll come again soon.

I love you, Elaine.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean...

but I was, I was just...

I'm sorry.

[SNIFFLING]

It's okay.

You look so sad.

Well, I-I mean,
of course, you look sad.

You're here.
It's... It's natural.

It's just that I...

Never mind.

I'm, uh, I'm really sorry.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
For what?

For caring.

I know what it's like.

Is that...

My husband.

I'm sorry.

You?

Wife.
When?

A few months ago. You?

Six months.

You know, I used to think
it was crazy

whenever you'd see
in a movie or something,

somebody talking
to somebody who was...

you know...

Dead.

Yeah, dead.

I hate to say that word.

I figure, if I don't say it,
it won't be true.

Yeah, I know.

I used to think
it was crazy, talking, but...

now I come here
and talk to Elaine.

I do too.

You knew Elaine?

No, my husband?
I talk to my husband.

Oh! Right. Sure.

It helps too, you know.

I don't feel so alone.

I just wish they could answer.

Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes
when I wake up in the morning,

for a second, I don't remember
that it happened,

and then it hits me,
just like it did the first time.

Yeah.

I know.

Listen, you wanna have
a cup of coffee or something?

Now?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Oh, forget it.

It's probably not a good idea.

I mean, I think
I'd feel a little funny

enjoying myself now, you know?

Me too.

Wait a minute.

She says it's fine.

She does?

Yeah.

He says it's all right too.

Then what do you say?

I'm Polly.

Let's have coffee.

I'm Danny.

Let's go.

You mean, that you actually
lied to Dutch?

What was I gonna do,

tell him Eunice was there
with a guy?

The man is a k*ller.

Could you two knock it off?

He is making breakfast
in the next room.

You lied to a k*ller?
Are you crazy?

I was saving my sister's behind.

My behind does not need saving.

Eunice, I don't understand you.

How could you do this to him?

Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes, I love him,
and sometimes, I don't.

I take it last night
was a definite don't.

Oh, listen to this.

I'm getting snide remarks
from a hot Cub Scout.

Eunice, what if he finds out?

That dolt?
How could he?

Eunice, don't you think
it might be fair to Dutch

to tell him how you feel?

Oh, I don't know.

He does certain things
very well.

Oh, Eunice...

Good morning.

Good morning, Daddy.

Eh?

Everyone sleep well?

Oh, yeah.

Eventually.

It's so nice to hear
my children's voices

chattering away,

and to see
their happy, little faces.

Good morning, Billy.

Did you have
an interesting time last night?

Oh, uh, same old thing.

Really?

Good morning.

Good morning, Dutch.

Everybody ready for breakfast?

Smells wonderful.

Leavenworth porridge.

Actually, only one
other guy besides me

has the recipe for this,

and he doesn't have
much use for it anymore.

Oh, why not?

They ex*cuted him.

Well, it's nice
he wrote it down.

For the lady of the house.

Oh, thank you, Dutch.

I'm so happy
to see everyone this morning.

This house was like
a morgue last night.

I mean, Billy didn't
come home from school,

and Chester didn't come
home from the city.

Eunice didn't come home
from the movies,

and Corrine didn't come home.

Dutch was in and out
all night long,

but he never sat down to chat.

I'm just glad that it's morning
so I can have a little company.

For the master of the house.

Well, thank you, Dutch.

Enjoy, all.
There's plenty.

Oh, Dutch?

Yes, my sweet?

What about me, don't I get any?

Oh, of course, my dear.

How stupid of me.

[SCREAMS]

Princess!

I can be such a dolt sometimes.

You stupid clod!
How dare you?

Dolt, eh?

You spent the night
with some clown,

and I'm too stupid
to figure it out?

Clowns! Oh!
They're my favorite thing.

You horrible,
loathsome, malicious...

Dutch, I just
don't believe this!

You don't believe it?

No.

You don't?

I turned state's evidence
for you.

I fink on my own kind,
and you don't believe it?

You don't?

Well, wait till you see
what I got planned for lunch.

Settle down!

I love you, Eunice.

Oh, Dutch, flowers would've been
so much nicer.

Eunice, if that
ever happens again,

it'll be the sorriest night
of your life.

Oh, men are such
temperamental cooks.

Is he gone, Jessica?

Yes, Chester.

Colonel, that helmet
is way too big.

Now, you get one your own size.

Oh, Major.

And clean up this mess now!

Would anyone
care for more coffee?

CHESTER:
I think I'd like some.

Mary...

Hi, Jess.

Hello, darling.

Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry I'm late,

but I simply could not
get out of Bloomingdale's.

I love that store.

Me too.

I think I'd like
to be buried there.

So, Mary, what is
your wonderful news?

Jessica, you know

how I've been thinking
I'm crazy,

because I've thought
Burt wasn't Burt?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not crazy, Jessica.

I am not crazy at all.

The man I thought wasn't Burt
wasn't Burt.

He was a man from outer space
made to look just like Burt.

Of course, I knew, you see,

that even though he was Burt,
he wasn't.

[LAUGHS]

I see.

Now, Mary,
did Burt tell you this,

or did you just
draw your own conclusions?

He told me.

Not the Alien Burt.
The Real Burt told me,

once he got rid
of the Alien Burt.

I see.

Well, if it makes you
happy, Mary,

that's all that's important.

But it's true, Jess, it's true.

Listen, it's all right.
Whatever works for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Ask Burt.
He'll explain it to you.

Oh, I will, I will.

I'll come over some night,

and we can all sit around
and have a few laughs about it,

but not now, Mary.

I've got too much on my mind.

That's why I went shopping.

When I get upset, I go shopping,

because then I can get upset
about what I bought,

and I forget what I got
upset about in the first place.

Only today,

I couldn't find anything
that upset me in my size.

Jessica, what's wrong?

Billy is in love
with one of his teachers.

That's normal.

He's dating her.

That's not.

Mary, next week

are the parent-
teachers' conferences.

I mean, what am I
going to talk about?

How Billy's doing?

I mean, I don't think
I want to know.

Dating his teacher...

He'll never know
what he's being graded for.

And Mary, she is years
older than he is.

Now, I know years
shouldn't bother me,

and I can't think
of a reason in the world

why it does bother me.

All I know
is that it bothers me.

If she was a man,
it wouldn't bother you.

No, Mary, I think
that would bother me more.

Because, you see, Mary,

then Billy would be dating
an older, h*m* teacher.

No, Jessica.

I mean, if Billy was a girl,
and the teacher was a man.

We think nothing

of a man being years
older than a woman.

That's because
they generally are.

What?

Men are generally
older than women.

Jessica, what I mean is...

Mary, look!

What?

[WHISPERING]
It's Chester. Are you sure?

With a woman!

It was Chester with a woman.

Jessica...

that was probably Chester
getting into the elevator,

and a woman
getting into the elevator.

He was holding her arm.

Maybe she was blind.

No, she was a brunette.

Mary, he has gone upstairs
with her.

Jessica,
don't jump to conclusions.

There are a million reasons
why he could be here.

Name one.

Smoke Enders.

Smoke Enders meets upstairs.

He doesn't smoke.

EST.

What?

EST.

You know that group.
The McDonald's of psychiatry.

Chester hates hamburgers.

Where are you going?

Upstairs.

Jess, please don't go.

Mary, it's the only way
that I'm going to know for sure,

and I've got to know.

ANNOUNCER:
Will anything happen with Danny and Polly?

Will they decide to meet
somewhere else next time?

What will Jessica find

when she goes up
to Chester's room?

Will a "Do Not Disturb"
sign stop her?

Is Mary glad Real Burt is back?

Won't there be certain things
she'll miss?

Will Eunice find out
what's for breakfast

before she fools around again?

Will she at least wear a hat?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of Soap.

[♪]

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