03x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: In the last episode
of Soap, Jessica found out

Billy is in love
with his teacher.

Mary found out from real Burt

that she'd been living
with a clone.

Dutch found out
Eunice was fooling around

with another man,

and Eunice found out
that Dutch found out

when she found oatmeal
dumped on her head.

Danny found someone named Polly
at the cemetery

that he found very nice,

and Jessica saw Chester

in a hotel with another woman,

and she went to find out
if it was really him.

Want to find out?

Stay tuned
for this episode of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

We begin this episode

shortly after Jessica
followed Chester upstairs

to his hotel room.

We better get started.

I'm parked
in the -minute zone.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Jessica.

Uh, oh, my God.

Hide.

Jessica who?

It's me, Chester.

Chester who?

It's Jessica, Chester.

Is it Jessica or Chester?

Make up your mind.

No, not there.

Chester, it is me,

your wife, Jessica Tate.

Oh, Jessica Tate.

Well, I'm on the phone, Jess.

I'll be right with you.

Get down on all fours.

Now, Chester?

Uh... no.

You're going to be a table.

You're weird, Chester.

JESSICA:
Chester?

I'm on the phone, Jess.

All right.

Don't move.

Don't breathe.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Chester!

[WHISPERS] Don't make any noise.

Ooh!

Sorry.

Chester, I know
you are in there.

You open this door
right this minute.

Jess, what brings you here?

That is my question, Chester.

What brings you here?

Uh, well, Jess,
since I don't have a job,

I have no place to go.

I use this
as my office, you see.

I work out of here.

I see.

Chester, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Okay.

You mean you don't mind

if I go to the bathroom?

No, I'd rather you go in there
than in here.

Looking for something?

Decorating ideas.

Ahh.

Chester...

I have a confession
to make to you.

I thought that I saw you

come up here with another woman,

and I followed you.

Oh, gee.

Now, Chester, I am so sorry.

I'm sorry I mistrusted you,
but I am glad I came.

Otherwise, Chester,

those doubts would've lingered
with me forever and ever.

I... I'm shocked,
Jess.

Shocked...

and deeply hurt
that you don't trust me...

I'm sorry, Chester.

But I have promised you, Jess,

I have sworn to you
that those days are over.

How much longer are you
going to make me pay?

[SLAPS TABLE]

How much longer are you

going to t*rture me like this?

Chester...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry, yes,
you're very sorry, Jess.

You're always sorry.

Meanwhile...

you watch every
little move I make.

You're ready to pounce
on every little thing.

What's that?

It's a new thing.

Italian furniture.

It's moving, Chester.

What is it?

A sheep.

[ASHTRAY HITS FLOOR]

I am so glad

you have this hotel room,
Chester,

because you are not coming home.

Hey, Mare.

Burt, what are you
doing in here?

I don't know why
they call you in

from the waiting room

to wait in the examining room.

At least out there,

I can wear my pants

and read Sports Illustrated.

I know.

They weigh you
and forget about you.

Oh, yeah.

I hate getting a physical.

At least it's only once a year.

You can't even take a nap
while you're waiting.

You could roll
right off that table,

and here, you could
lie on the floor

and bleed to death.

You've got a better chance
of getting medical help

on the golf course.

Burt, don't you think
you should go back to your room?

The doctor might be there
by now.

No, he's not.

He's on the phone. I heard.

He's buying the Grand Canyon
to build condominiums.

Here, this here.

Look at this over here.
Look at that.

I'm an inch taller on this one.

I grew in the hall.
I'm going home.

Burt.

Mary, please.

I can't stand around all day

while he buys Arizona.

Not dressed like this, I can't.

Look at this, will you?

Pink and blue.

We know what we are.

Maybe they can't tell.

Yeah, I'm going home, Mare.
Come on.

Oh, Burt, come on.

You need a physical.

You've had insomnia.

I think you should find out why.

Mare, I know why.

There's no great mystery why.

I got space lag.

Burt...

Come on, Mary, please.

There's jet lag...

There's jet lag, right?

This is space lag.
It's much worse.

Space lag?

Oh, doc, fancy seeing you here.

What happened,
the stock market close?

Hi, Burt.

Hi, Mary.
Hi.

Hey, two in one room

doesn't reduce the rate,
you know, huh?

Hey, you look wonderful.

Pink.

Well, I might as well
start with Mary, huh?

Go ahead.
I think you should start with Burt.

He's the one with the symptoms.

Symptoms.
What symptoms, Mary?

Come on, it's nothing.

What, a little insomnia.

Who cares?

A few more days

of adjusting to Earth time...

I'll be tip-top.

Earth time?

Yeah, Earth time...

You see,
there were these space men,

and I went with them
up on their spaceship,

and I got a real bad case
of space lag, that's all.

Hey, I've flown to Cincinnati
and been a zombie.

When I travel with space men,

I have a terrible time sleeping.

There, you see that?

I also can't eat their food.

[LAUGHING]

Tell me about it.

It's cocktail food.

[LAUGHING LOUDER]

Yeah, I lost six pounds.

[LAUGHS]

Burt, you're crazy.

You're one funny guy.

We have the same sense of humor.

You do.

Yeah, that's really funny there.

All right, okay.

Oh, all right.

You first, huh, you first.

Okay, okay.

Burt, Burt,
while you're waiting,

Florence will come in
and take some blood.

Is she the one
that always misses the vein?

Florence?

Because you got one out there
that's blind.

You don't have to worry.

Florence is very good.

Oh, and after she's done,

you might try to fill
the little plastic cup...

Oh, I hate that.
No, I hate that.

I can't do it.

Sure you can.

I can't do it.

I'm terrible under pressure.

Turn on the water.

It'll inspire you.

Turn on the water.

Beer. A couple of beers
will do it.

That's all you need,

a couple of beers,
you got no problem.

You want me?

I'll be around the corner

in the bar.

Hi.

Hey, Danny, you hungry?

No.

Oh, Danny, what's the matter?

You look terrible.

I got a problem, Burt.

Well, that's what I'm here for.
Let me have it.

I met this girl,
and I'm going crazy

because I don't know how
to get in touch with her.

Where'd you meet her?

In a cemetery.

You pick up girls
in the cemetery?

It's a long story.

It's crazy.

The world is overflowing
with discos.

He goes to a cemetery.

I was there
visiting Elaine's grave,

and she was there
visiting her husband's grave,

and we started talking.

Sounds romantic.

[SIGHS]

Not really,

and like a jerk,

I forgot to ask
for her phone number.

Come on, you don't just waltz up

to somebody who's in mourning
and say,

"Excuse me, but when
you're finished talking

"to your dearly departed,

would you slip me
your phone number?"

Well, then,
what should I do, Burt?

Danny, come on.

Think, think, think.

She was talking to her
husband's grave... right?

Yeah, so?

So, on the stone,
there is information.

Burt, they don't put
phone numbers

on people's graves.

No, Danny, Danny,
the name, the name.

There's a name on the stone.

The name, of course!

There was a name.

You're a genius, Burt.

All right.
All right.

Now, think, now.

What was his name?

Peter.

Terrific.

Call every Peter in Connecticut.

If one doesn't answer,
that's him.

Peter and Polly...

Mr. and Mrs. Peter...

[GROANS]

Damn, it's right on the tip
of my tongue.

You know, it's funny
you should mention cemeteries,

because I've had
this cemetery idea

kicking around in my head here,

and I just...

You know, we're running out
of cemetery space.

Now, what if we took a state

that nobody hardly ever uses,

like North Dakota.

We knock down the mountains...
whew,

we got a gigantic cemetery.

I can almost see it. Pete.

"Here lies Peter..."

Even better than that,
listen to this one here:

high-rise cemeteries.

Peter and Polly...

Everybody gets a drawer.

It'll look like
one huge filing cabinet.

Of course, we've got to be
very tasteful about it.

Here, just figure.

See this, now.

This is Mr. A's slot, right?

Voop, toom.

His wife... Their cousin Al...

The twins...
And old Uncle Harvey.

Dawson!

And the Dawsons.
What the hell?

It's a gold mine.

Polly Dawson.

Dawson. That's the name.

Hi.

Hey, Jodie.

I left Wendy
with Corinne for the day

just so I could get away.

Uh, Burt?

Yeah?

Are you you, or are you him?

No, that's right.

No, it's all over now.

I'm me.

There's nothing,
no problem. I'm me.

How can I be sure?

Jodie, please.

Come on, prove it.

Your mother's
maiden name was Gatling.

Not good enough.

Corinne Tate was adopted.

Nothing.

You went to your junior prom
with Mike Finnegan.

Hiya, Burt.

All right.

Dawson.

Dawson, Peter.

There's two columns
of Peter Dawson.

Who's he looking for?

Peter Dawson.

Who's that?

Some dead guy.

He wants to date his wife.

That's playing it safe.

Hello.

Hello, yeah,
are you Peter Dawson?

Oh. Oh, you're alive, then,
is that it?

He's alive.

There goes the weekend.

Oh, listen, one more question.

What color are you?

Hello? Hello?

"What color are you?"

You ask a man if he's dead,

then you ask him
what color he is?

Come on, forget it,
will you, Burt?

It's nothing.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute.

What color are you?

This woman, this woman,

what...?
Is what, black?

Yeah, what of it?

A black woman?

I don't see
anything wrong with it.

Of course not, you date guys.

I mean, what's a black lady
next to that?

Nothing.

You could walk in here
with a goat,

I wouldn't blink.

First he marries
a gangster's daughter,

now he's in love
with a black widow.

I never thought I'd hear you
talk like this, Burt.

Talk like what?

Just because

I don't want him
to hurt himself?

That's not what you said, Dad.

Danny, that's the only reason
I said anything here.

Wait a minute, you under...

Danny.

This has nothing to do
with black people.

I just don't want you
to complicate your life.

Come on,
it's complicated enough.

Listen, Burt.

Yesterday was the first time

I enjoyed being with somebody
since Elaine,

and I'm gonna find out why,

so you can either help me
or leave me alone.

All right, Danny.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, we'll help.

Come on, sit.

Come on, sit.

Tell us what you want us to do.

All right.

I figure if we hang out
in the cemetery long enough,

she's bound to come back
to visit her husband,

and when she does, we got her.

So you want us to hang out
in the cemetery.

Yeah. Now, we'll break it up
into shifts.

I'll take the mornings.

Jodie, you take the afternoons,

and Burt, you take
the night shift.

I really appreciate this.

Come on, Jodie.

Okay.

All night...

by myself in a cemetery.

I hate cemeteries.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

Hello.

Hello.

May I come in?

Of course.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, what little desks.

Oh, when I was in school,
desks were much bigger,

but of course,
then, I was much smaller,

which is probably why
the desks were much bigger,

so just forget I said that.

All right.

May I help you?

No, thank you.

I'll just wait.

Who are you waiting for?

The teacher.

Oh.

Are you staying after school?

No, I'm Mrs. Walker.

You're married?

Oh, my goodness.

Well, I mean,
not that I should judge.

In India, they get married
when they're freshmen.

In India,
and occasionally Tennessee.

No, I mean, I'm the teacher.

Oh.

Oh my...

and you're married?

Divorced. Who are you?

I'm Jessica Tate,
Billy's mother.

Oh.

Oh, my.

You see, I thought
it would be nice

if we finally met one another.

It's, uh, very nice to meet you.

Well, it's very nice
to meet you too.

You certainly don't look
like a teacher.

What are you thinking?

I was thinking about
what you must be thinking.

Well, I don't know
what I'm thinking,

so I have no idea
what you think I'm thinking.

I think you're thinking
that I must be a little weird.

Yes.

Well, because...

Billy's a student,
and I'm his teacher,

and he is younger,
and I'm older...

That had occurred to me.

I do care about him,
Mrs. Tate.

He's very special.

I know...

and sensitive,

and I just don't want Billy
to be hurt.

I mean,

suppose some good-looking
hygiene teacher

started hanging around you.

I mean, not that I think
you're flighty or anything,

but you do see my point.

Well, yes,

but what if Billy
falls for some cheerleader?

Then who gets hurt?

You see, I could be hurt
just as easily.

Well, I guess maybe
we should just lay back

and see what happens.

Actually, I should do
the laying back,

and you should just do
the seeing.

It's a deal.

Well, I guess
I'd better be going now.

Oh, me too.

I've got a meeting
with the history department

in five minutes.

So I'll just go.

Okay.

Yes?

May I be excused?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Oh, bye-bye.

Wow, I don't know what to say.

This is beautiful.

Yeah, Bob picked it out.

Well, it's terrific.

Ducks go, "quack,"
and cows go, "moo,"

and dogs go, "woof,"
and I wuve you,

little Wendy-Wendy-
Wendy-Wendy.

Ooh, ooh.

Chuck, I have never
seen him like this.

I didn't know there was
someone he actually liked.

Oh, I love babies.

They're short.

Soon as they can talk back,

I can't stand them.

Chicks go "cluck,"
and cats go "meow,"

and do I love you?
Wow, and how,

little Wendy-Wendy-
Wendy-Wendy.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, listen, Jodie,

if you ever need a babysitter,

I'm available.

Hey.

Hey, that's... not
such a good idea.

Oh, no, he's really
very good, actually.

Oh, I'm sure he is.

Listen, Jodie,

I know that you're
a worried new father,

but it's no big thing.

I mean, just call
every half-hour or so.

And he'd answer the phone?

Unless I'm changing the baby.

Well, I'll think about it, okay?

Why don't you wash up
and we'll have lunch?

Okay, I'll be out in a second.

I'll go with you.

Hey, what is it with you?

Can't I ever go
by myself? Bob.

What, do you think
I can't handle it

or something?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

Mr. Dallas?
Yes.

I'm Harlen Wisser.

Yes?

From the Child
Welfare Department.

Yeah?

May I come in?

Well, I don't know yet.

What's on your mind?

Well, we received a call stating

that you had an infant
in your apartment.

So?

Well, sir, we also
received a complaint.

From who?

It's a little difficult

to discuss in the hallway.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Hmm? What does "hmm" mean?

Someone in the area
called our offices

and told us that a single
young male h*m*

was keeping a baby
in this apartment.

Are you he?

I happen to have
a baby here, yes.

Right over there,
as a matter of fact.

He looks pale.

He's a she, and so do you.

Mr. Dallas,
please don't make this

any harder than it already is.

How am I making it hard?

You walked in here.
I did not come to you.

Are you a practicing h*m*?

I don't have to practice.

I'm very good at it.

Where is the mother?

I have no idea.

Listen, who made the complaint?

That's not important.

Well, I'd hate
to punch the wrong nose.

Oh, easily provoked to v*olence.

Listen, you're beginning
to get on my nerves.

I am the baby's father,
and I'm a good father,

and you're... a very
interesting man.

I'd love to go on
talking with you,

but it's time to feed my child,

so excuse me...

Mr. Dallas,
a very serious complaint

has been made against you,

and if this child
is indeed in any danger,

I'm afraid we are going to have
to take certain measures.

Hey... my social life
and my child

have nothing to do
with each other.

My life is my child.

Now, listen, I don't drink.

I don't smoke.
I don't do dr*gs.

I don't have wild parties here.

I don't even like to dance.

I'm a responsible parent

who's trying to bring up
his little girl

in the most wholesome
atmosphere possible,

and the friends that I have
are equally responsible,

wholesome, dependable,
sane individuals.

I can't believe this.

Will you look at this,
you idiot?

Bob, it was a mistake.

You'll dry.

Oh, gee...

Guys?

Jodie, he washed his hands.

Well, you're supposed

to wash your hands afterwards.

Yeah, well, you're supposed

to put me down first, you moron.

Now it's gonna
shrink like crazy.

In a half an hour,

I won't even be able to breathe.

Hi there.

Hey, who's the limp?

Is he one of your tricks?

They're working on a new act.

That man is arguing with a doll.

h*m* and puppets?

What kind of a place is this?

Listen...

this conversation is over.

You're touching me, young man.

Yeah, you were not invited in,

and now you will be invited out.

You might be
in big trouble, fella.

Get out!

Hey, way to go, Jodie.

Yeah.

I'm in big trouble, Chuck.

I'm in big trouble.

I shouldn't have done that.

That was really dumb.

Oh, come on, Jodie.

I mean, what can he possibly do?

They can't take Wendy
away from me.

I'll get character references.

Hey, hey, no problem.

Yeah, you got Danny.

Don't forget Burt and Mary.

Yeah, and Uncle Chester.

Aunt Jessica.

Chuck.
Bob.

Dutch and Eunice...

Corinne.

And don't forget the Major.

I'm in big trouble.

ANNOUNCER:
Is Burt's insomnia really space lag,

or has he just been
making up for lost time?

Now that Jessica has met Leslie,

does "teacher's pet"
have new meaning?

Will Danny find Polly,

and if he does, what will he do?

Now that Jessica
has caught Chester

and told him he can't come home,

what will he do?

How will he change
his underwear?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]