03x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Jessica found Chester
in a hotel room

with another woman,

and told him he had better find

another place to live.

Jodie found out
someone had complained

to the welfare department
about him.

Dutch found out

Eunice has been fooling around
with another man,

and Jessica met Billy's teacher
and found her very nice.

Want to find out more?

Stay tuned
for this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me, Ma.

Who?

Corinne.

How do I know it's really you?

Ma, you can hear it's me.

No, you might be Chester,
disguising your voice.

Ma, I swear.

I'm not Daddy.
I'm me.

Are you alone?

Yes, I'm alone.

Please open the door.

I'm holding a tray.

How long are you

going to stay
locked in your room?

Until I know
he is not in the house.

Why don't you just talk to him?

I have nothing to say to him.

Well, maybe he does.

I know,

and I've heard it all before.

I love eating on trays,
don't you?

I love eating.

Ma, just talk to him.

The only trouble is

that no matter
how careful you are,

there's always crumbs
in the bed,

even if you're only having soup.

Won't you feel better
resolving this

one way or the other?

Uh-oh, look at that.

Mm-mm, crumbs already.

Well, I'll just brush them over
on Chester's side.

You see,

there are some advantages
to sleeping alone.

Of course, that's the only one
I can think of.

Ma, you should see him.

He sits in the living room,

and every time someone walks by,

he grabs their arm and weeps.

It's impossible

to get anything
done around here.

Maybe if you just talk to him,
he'll go away.

Oh, I can't, Corinne.

Not now.

Maybe soon.

Five or years.

All right, let me know

if you want anything else, okay?

All right, darling.

Thank you.

You know, this is the first time

I've stayed in my room like this

since I had the measles.

Good night, darling.

Good night, Ma.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye-bye.

[THUMPING]

Chester,

you get out of here.

Jess, please, just listen.

Oh! There goes my spleen.

Well, you're lucky
that's all that it is.

Jess, please listen.

I'm sick.

I've got a disease.

Well, with the company you keep,
I don't wonder.

No, Jess, not that.

Don't you understand?

I can't help it.

What I do is a sickness.

Oh, really?

Is that what you call it,

a "sickness"?

And the cure is bed, is it?

I'll get help, Jess,

if you'll just give me
another chance.

I'll get help, I swear it.

If I were diabetic,
you wouldn't throw me out.

If you were a diabetic,

you'd stay away
from the cookies.

Jess, I want help.

I swear it.

I hate what I do as much as you.

Oh, I know.

It's a real drag, isn't it?

All that dressing
and undressing.

You won't believe me, will you?

If I were a fat man
who couldn't stop eating,

you wouldn't throw me out.

If I couldn't stop drinking,
you'd let me stay.

Well, this is no different.

I'm sick, Jess.

I'm a sick man, and I'm in need.

[CRIES]

Oh, Chester, don't cry.

I'm a sick man, Jess.

I'm sick, and I'm hurting,
and I'm scared.

Okay, Chester, okay.

Look, we'll talk.

You'll get help...

[CALM AND COMPOSED]:
Thanks, Jess.

But, in the meantime,

you'll stay in the guest room.

Guest room?

Yes, well, look at it
this way, Chester.

You have a disease,

and I don't want you too near me

until you're cured.

[SCREAMS]

Well.

So you'll keep in touch?

Yes, I will, Miss Page.

Thanks for coming by.

Because if you don't hire me,

I got a job offer

from a couple of chinks
down the block

with two little brats...

so let me know.

You'll be the first one I call.

Nice seeing you, lady.

Fine.

You believe that?

Apply for a nanny,
and Rommel comes over.

It's been like that all day.

She wasn't so bad.

Are you kidding?

Of all of them,
she was the most charming.

Jodie, some of them
were very, very nice.

You're just being picky.

I can't help it, Ma.

I'm looking for someone
very special,

very loving, very unique.

Like who?

Like you,

only I can't find her.

I'm sitting right here.

Oh, come on, Ma,
I'm being serious.

And I'm not?

Mom, you can't run
down here every day.

It's an hour's drive.

True... but you could move home.

Ma.

Why not?

I'd love it.

Burt would love it.

Even Bob has said
he's looking forward to...

Burt and I would really love it.

Ma, it took me years
to move out.

Besides, I don't want
to tie you down.

Tie me down to what?

What do I have to do all day?
Rope cattle, what?

Ma, you're forgetting

how much time
a baby demands of you.

But there's me and Burt

and Mrs. Burns
down the street.

Oh, she'd adore
sitting with Wendy

a few days a week.

Mrs. Burns. You mean that
sweet little old lady

who used to babysit for me?

Mm-hmm.

Ma, she was back then.

She's .

In , she was .

Come on, Mare, let's go.

I fixed it.

Fixed what?

The thing that needed fixing.

What thing?

Doesn't matter.

You've got to get
a new one anyway.

Jodie, those things
don't last forever.

What thing?

"What thing?" again.

Please, Mary, let's go, huh?

Bla-la-la-la.
Grandpa.

Come on, Mare, let's go.

Burt, talk to Jodie.

Convince him I'm right.

Jodie, please, she's right, huh?

Your mother is right, huh?

Listen to her on this, huh?

She knows
what she's talking about.

Just trust her
on this one, okay?

What am I talking
about here, please?

Mom wants me to move back home.

So, come home.

Jodie, come on.

There's plenty of room.

Hey, you could go back to work,

and let's face it,

if you were living with us,

you wouldn't get those crackpots

from the Welfare
Department, right?

Well, yeah.

All right. So?

I don't know.

Come on, Jode, come home.

Come on.

We could do things
together again,

like hunting and fishing
in the old days.

We never did that.

Now we can.

Just think it over, okay, honey?

I will, Ma.
I promise.

I admit it does make some sense.

Absolutely, it makes sense.

Come on, Jodie.
Think about it,

roll it over in your head,

do whatever you want to do.

Bla-la-la-la.
Grandpa.

Come on.

Okay.

Goodbye, honey.

Bye.

Oh, please don't feel pressured
by us in any way.

I don't, Ma, really.

Does that mean you're
gonna move home?

Ma!

Mare.

Okay, okay.

Just remember,

if you change your mind...

I'll call.

Should I write down the number?

I think I'll remember it.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye, Wendy.

Talk to you later.

If you should call,
we should be home in an hour.

Ma!

Bye.

Wait an hour and a half.

Traffic...

Bye.
Bye.

Lock this door.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Mare?

What, Burt?

Can I ask you a little question?

Mm-hmm.

How was I?

Oh, Burt.

You were wonderful.

I told you that.

You're so silly.

You were wonderful.

Do you say that
to all the Burts...

Burt.

It's nothing, it's just...

I was just wondering,
that's all.

I told you.

It couldn't have been
any better, really.

It was the best ever.

Yeah?

Yeah.

The best ever for me,
or for any Burt?

Burt...

I'm, just, Mare, I gotta know.

Can't you just forget it?

Forget it?

Mare, please.

There was another man
in my house...

in my bed,

in my... pajamas.

There was another man
in the house, Mare.

Come on, how do I forget that?

It wasn't as if

I fell in love with another man.

It wasn't another man.

It was you.

To you, it was me.

To me, it wasn't me.

To me, it was

that hot little
silver guy that's...

So how was he?

I don't believe this.

I gotta know, Mare.

Come on, just, how was he?

I refuse to discuss this.

Great, huh?

Oh, yeah, he was really great?

What was so great?

I mean, what did he do
that was so great?

I mean, how many ways are there

that someone can be much better
than someone else?

It's not like dancing.

I mean, there's not
a whole lot of steps.

So what did he do?

I mean, some fancy space stuff
that we don't have yet?

Was that it?

I'm not discussing this, Burt.

It's ridiculous.

Because if it was some kind

of science fiction-
type sex, Mary,

I cannot compete.

Those guys live forever.

I mean, I'm sure there are
a lot of things

that they could do forever.

So was that it?

I mean, could he,
you know... forever?

You know something?

You're selfish.

You are an incredibly
selfish man, Burt Campbell.

Don't change the subject here,
Mary.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're just trying
to throw me off the track.

No, I'm not.

I went through hell, Burt.

Hell.

The man I thought was you

was an animal, a maniac.

I had to keep moving
all the time.

If I sat down or, God forbid,
lay down,

it was all over.

I felt like a fly.

I had to keep going or get it.

And not only that,

he was always going
after other women.

Family, friends,
strangers, anyone.

So while you're all upset

over how terrible it was
for you, Burt,

it was equally terrible for me.

It was not only your ordeal.

It's incredible.

You and I had it terrible.

He had a ball.

I'm sorry, Mare.

Don't you see

that it could never be
as good with him,

because the most important thing

was missing?

It was?

Yes.

Then how'd he do it?

No, Burt, not that.

Oh, I...

Too bad.

Love was missing, Burt...

and when that's missing,

all the expertise in the world

isn't gonna make it any good.

That's why
it couldn't come close

to being what it is with you.

[KISS]

[KISS]

Oh, Mare.

Burt, I love you, I love you.

I love you too, Mare.

[BOTH SIGH]

Tell me one little thing he did
you really liked.

Burt!

Come on, Mare,
just one little thing.

Just... Not a big thing,
a little thing.

I'll never ask you again.

Well, he would...
bite my earlobe.

He would bite your earlobe?

Yes.

That's what you like,
earlobe biting?

Burt...

Is that what this
commotion is about?

Some little guy comes by,

chews on your ear,

everybody gets crazy?

Burt, you said,
"one little thing."

That's one little thing.

[CHUCKLES]

What was it, like this...?

Something...

Burt...

What did he do with the earring,

swallow it?

Hey, tell me,

how's it feel to be ?

Pretty much the same.

So far,

only one minor artery
has hardened.

Corinne, have you seen Eunice?

Behind you.

Just checking.

What was that?

Oh, Corinne,

he is just driving me crazy.

I roll over in bed at night,

and he asks me where I'm going.

Well, I can't blame him, Eunice.

I mean, he practically
caught you red-handed

in a hotel with another guy.

Eric and I were discussing
insurance premiums.

Please, Eunice.

Insurance?

Really, we had an accident.

He rear-ended me.

I don't think your insurance
covers that.

You see that?

Do you see how he watches me?

He never takes his eyes off me.

He doesn't trust you, Eunice.

Well, what kind of relationship

are we gonna have without trust?

Relationships
are built on trust.

Without trust,

you just don't have anything.

I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

To call Eric.

I've gotta tell him
we have to be more careful.

Jess?

Hi.

Hello.

You look very nice this evening.

Thank you.

Oh, Jess.

The hands!

No hands,

and no talking

unless it is
absolutely necessary.

Now, this is Billy's birthday,

and we don't want anyone to know

that there's trouble between us.

Anything you say, Jess.

And when someone comes close,

then we put up
some kind of a front...

[BOTH LAUGHING FORCEDLY]

Oh, Chester, you say
the funniest things.

Oh, Jess...

The hands!

So, have you thought it over?

About moving back home?

Yeah.
And?

I don't know.

Well, we don't want
to pressure you in any way.

No, there's no pressure.

Absolutely no pressure at all,
you understand that?

None.

Come home.
This is k*lling your mother.

Come home?

We'll try it.

[GASPS]

There you go, Jodie.

Oh, Jessie,

I have the most wonderful news.

Jodie's moving back home.

Oh, Mary, I'm so happy for you.

Could Chester
have his apartment?

How are they?

How are who?

The hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, well, I haven't
tried them yet.

I'm really worried, big guy.

I never made
hors d'oeuvres before.

There wasn't much call for
them at cellblock eight.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sure.

You know, rolling
the little bitty dough,

and rolling
the little bitty meat,

that isn't easy when
you've got stubby hands.

You see my hands?

They're stubby.
I see.

I've got stubby hands.

I see them, Dutch, I see them.

That's from hauling garbage

and greasing trucks,

and fitting sewer pipes.

Here, here, try one.

I think not.

Aw, come on, big guy,
just a little taste.

Maybe in a little while.

Take a bite.

No. Dutch...

How are they?

Mm, very good.

Aw, you're just saying that.

What's the matter, darling?

You seem nervous.

Oh, Ma, everyone is gonna meet
Leslie tonight.

It is nerve-wracking.

Last night, I dreamt she eloped

with the entire senior class.

Darling, you love Leslie?

Well, we all love you,
so we'll all love Leslie.

What's that for?

Just for being
such a terrific mother.

Aw, thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's her! She's here!
Everyone relax.

Oh...

Happy birthday, Billy.

Thanks.

Hey, big ones, huh?

Well, he still looks
like jailbait to me.

Bob, come on.

So where's your teacher, huh?

Is she polishing her apples?

[LAUGHS]

Bob...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good evening.

Oh, Billy,
I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, are you late?

I didn't notice.

Everyone, this is Leslie Walker.

Leslie, this is everyone.

Hi, Teach.

You wanna go upstairs
and conjugate some verbs?

Bob.

Hi, I'm Burt.

P.S. ,
class of ' .

Hi. Leslie Walker.

What's the capital of Arizona?

Phoenix.

Whoo-hoo!

You're right.

It's nice to see you.

That's his teacher?

Yeah, not bad, huh?

Not bad?

All my teachers
looked like Rocky Marciano.

I might've gone to a class
once in a while

if I had teachers
that looked like her.

I might've gone to a class

if mine looked
like Rocky Marciano.

Hey.

You know something here?

It's very ironic.

What?

Well, they made it
illegal for teachers

to hit the students, and now...

Wait a minute. Hey!

Now the students
hit on the teachers.

It's ironic.

She's adorable.

Didn't I tell you?

Do you think they're...

you know...

No, absolutely not.

Please, he's a child.

He still plays with his boats.

Billy, I have
a little present for you.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

I quit my job.

That's my present?

Well, I had applied for a job

at the university last semester,

and it came through.

So that means...

Exactly.

Mm-hmm.

What does it mean?

Well, it means
that I'm no longer your teacher.

Mrs. Fairbanks
is your teacher now.

See?

You mean I have to take out
Mrs. Fairbanks?

You're .

You're a man.

I'm no longer bound

by any legal or moral code.

I can safely give you
your present,

and tonight,

I'm gonna light up every candle
on your cake.

I better start
thinking of a wish.

Private...

is she bothering you?

Who, Gramps?

These camp followers
can be a pain.

Gramps,
this is Mrs. Walker.

Hello.

Mrs. Biff Walker?

Blackjack Biff's wife?

Oh, your husband is one hell
of a pilot, Mrs. Walker.

Gramps...

You've got to be careful, son.

A non-com
with an officer's wife

can get you years
in the brig.

Also, don't bite her shoulder.

She hates that.

Colorful family you have.

Look, I know they seem
a little, uh...

And the Major seems a lot...

but don't let it
bother you, okay?

It's not hereditary.

I mean, deep down,

we're all strong-willed,
clear-minded people.

Oh, I wasn't worried.

Good.

[SCREAMING]

Eunice!

So you have to be careful, huh?

You just stay away from me!

You asked for it, Eunice.

Wait a minute, what is going...

[SCREAMS]

Hey, guys, come on,
get a hold of yourself!

Hey, hey, come on.

Chopped liver
never solved anything.

You're right, Burt, thanks.

I should just k*ll her.

Hey, hey!

Oh, Jess, take me back.

Take me back, please.

I'll be good.

Don't send me away.

Chester...

Oh, Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

Why don't we go?

Now?

Yeah, it's time
to open my present.

What is with you?

[ALL SHOUTING]

ANNOUNCER:
What will happen with Eunice and Dutch?

Will she keep fooling around?

Will he keep throwing food?

What is Leslie's
birthday present to Billy?

Is it safe to bet
it won't come wrapped?

What will happen
to Jessica and Chester

now that she won't talk to him?

Will they write notes?

Will Burt continue to be jealous

of Alien Burt's lovemaking?

Will Mary miss it?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]