03x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Chester told Jessica

he fools around with other women

because he's sick
and needs help.

Mary convinced Jodie
to move back home,

and that way,

he could get help with the baby.

Danny met a girl named Polly
at the cemetery

who might help him
get over Elaine.

And Burt,
who has trouble sleeping,

went to the doctor
for a physical,

hoping that might help.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

[LOUD CRASHING]

Okay, listen,
I think you should take

the bottom drawers
in the bureau,

because you're shorter,

and I'll take
the back of the closet,

because my arms are longer.

Are you sure it's all right?

Well, there's not much
I can do about it now.

Must be from all those chin-ups.

No, no, Danny,

I mean about
moving in here with you.

I mean, after all,
this is your room.

Are you kidding me?

My little brother
is moving back home.

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I can't believe I'm back.

It took me all those years
to move out,

but it will make life
a little easier.

I can go back to work,
and I'll know Wendy's okay.

Hey, listen, uh,

you want the, uh, lumpy mattress

or the springy mattress?

Springy, if it's okay.

It's cool. I like lumpy.

Makes me feel

like there's someone
in here with me.

You know, I remember
when we shared a bedroom as kids

in the old house.

Yeah.

You told me my first dirty joke.

Yeah, and you didn't get it.

You were so innocent.

I was .

Hey, listen,
I got a surprise for you.

This is a real blast
from the past.

Ta-dah!

The hoop.

Our old basketball hoop.

Wow, you saved it
all these years. Yep.

All right,
a little one-on-one.

Okay.

Two from the floor.
Three from the beds.

Okay. Turn off the TV.

All right.

Aah!
Whoa!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Well, look at this.

It's a meeting of the minds.

Einstein and Dr. Freud.

Stee-rike!

Hey, did you hear?

Jodie's moving back in.

Did I hear?

My room is being
transformed into a nursery.

Did I hear, he says.

Oh, see, the nursery's
for the baby, Bob.

See, Jodie's moving back home,

and he's bringing
his baby with him,

and the baby is gonna sleep
in the nursery.

Look, let me explain it to you.
The baby...

Hey, hey.
I got it. I got it.

God, it's like
talking to a brick.

Jodie and Danny are
going to share a room,

so you and I are going to have
to share our room again.

Hi.

Mary, can I please
sleep with the baby?

I love that baby,

and I've always loved that baby,

and even more important,
I really hate Chuck.

That's the arrangement.

Take it or leave it.

Hey, Mare, where is everybody?

Jodie, come on over here.

Oh, look at this, look at that.

Is this great?
All the kids here.

Ah, my three sons.

I feel like Fred MacMurray.

Come on.

We're going to go out tonight.

We'll do something special.
Come on, what do you want to do?

The whole family goes.

We'll go bowling,
we'll sh**t a little pool.

Jodie, it's your night.

Whatever you want.
Name it.

I want to go apartment hunting.

Bob...

Would you just calm down?

No, no, no.

That's the way I want it.

I'll move.

I'll live alone.

And if I get m*rder*d
in my sleep,

it's on your head.

That's ridiculous.

It sure is.

How could you possibly
get your own place?

Huh?

You have to stand on a chair
to open a door.

Oh, Jodie.

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie.

Aw, Ma.

I'm going to make your
favorite meal tonight,

just for you, in honor
of your homecoming.

Thanks, Ma.

Hey Jodie,

the Knicks are playing
at the Garden tonight.

These are center court.

I really had to pull strings.

Whoa, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I was going to
take him bowling here.

All of us, I reserved an alley.

I was gonna cook
something special

and drive us all
to Coney Island,

just like when you were little.

Coney Island?
Uh, what were you going to cook?

This alley's free, guys.
Huh? It's our alley.

Burt, the Knicks
are playing the Lakers.

So, they are.

Lasagna.
Lasagna?

What time is the game?

We can go on the Cyclone.

You used to love the Cyclone.

The Cyclone?

Hey, Dan, you got
an extra ticket?

Frozen custard.

Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs.

Of course, it's entirely
up to you, Jodie.

Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs?

And frozen custard.

I love the Cyclone.

What time is the game?
Danny, please.

JODIE:
Hold it, hold it.

Listen, everybody.

I really appreciate this,
and it all sounds great,

but what do you say
we all stay home together?

I mean, the whole family,

and we can eat some lasagna
and play with Wendy.

What do you say?

That's cool.

Yeah, sure, if that's
what you call fun.

And... And then we can
have a nice chat, huh?

I'd love nothing more.

Sure.

Hey, you got an extra ticket?

So, we're not going
to Coney Island, is that it?

You mean you still want to go?

Okay, Dan, what time
is that game?

Because if you'd like to go,

we could go.

I'd love to go.

I'd love to go to the game.

Well, you know,

just long enough
to chow down a dog,

take a spin on the Cyclone,
a little frozen custard.

Let me have those here.

Take it.
Thank you very much.

Hey. Welcome home, Jodie.

Chuck, Bob, get your coat.

All right!

We won't be long, Jodie.

I'll wait up.

Don't bother.

Put the lasagna in the oven

for an hour at degrees.

It's so wonderful

having my family together again.

Yes.

Daddy should be here any moment.

Just make yourselves
comfortable.

You know, Chester,
I feel kind of funny

discussing our marital problems

with a minister.

I feel funny

discussing it with anybody.

Of course,

it would be worse
if it were a priest.

Well, it would be
like discussing a film

with a blind man.

A rabbi would have been nice.

They seem very wise.

But I suppose
you have to be Jewish.

I wonder which religion

does the biggest business
in this sort of thing.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ah, sorry I'm late.

Got stuck at a death.

I beg your pardon?

Funeral.

Just did a funeral.

Poor guy got k*lled
roller-skating.

Oh.

He fell?

Drowned.

Was skating in the park,
couldn't stop,

skated into the lake,
couldn't swim,

that was that.

Left a wife, two kids,
and a Porsche with no problems.

But...

on to happier things.

You are the Tates,

and you are here because...?

Go ahead, Chester.

Oh, no, Jess, you can go first.

No, you tell it better.

Well...

Uh, well, we...
have a problem.

Not a big problem, really.

Actually, it's a little problem,

but it's big enough
to be a problem.

It's been a problem for a while.

I never thought
it was a problem.

But, uh...

now I see that the problem,
which is our problem,

is really my problem,

and of course, being my problem,
it actually becomes her problem.

That, in a nutshell,
is the problem.

Well put, Chester.

Could you be
a little more specific,

do you suppose?

Chester goes through women

the way an elephant
goes through peanuts.

See, he fools around

with anything,
any time, anywhere.

He lies, he deceives,
he sneaks around.

He cheats before work.

He cheats during work.

He cheats after work.

He cheated on our honeymoon.

He cheated on our anniversary.

He cheated while I was in labor
in the hospital...

in the hospital.

He has cheated

practically every week
of every month of every year

of our entire marriage,

but other than that,

he has been a wonderful husband.

I see.

Well, it certainly did take you
a long time to come and see me.

It took her all this time

to catch me.

Of course.

Well, uh...

I see this sort of problem
a lot.

It seems to be going around.

I think part of the reason is...

that there are no more Indians.

I beg your pardon?

You see, in the olden days,
we had Indians to worry about.

Where were the Indians?

Were the Indians surrounding us?

Were the Indians angry Indians?

Did the Indians want our horses?

Nobody fooled around

because you couldn't
relax long enough.

Now we've got no more Indians.

I see.

The best marriages
were in the Apache territory,

because those were
the worst Indians.

Hostiles without,
no hostility within.

We have a lot
to thank the Indians for.

Happy marriages.

Nice beadwork.

Uh, well, what do we do

now that there are
no more Indians?

Aggravate
some other group, maybe.

Uh, look, I don't think
I need Indians.

I want to change.

I want desperately never to look
at another woman again,

and I sincerely think
that I can do that.

Excuse me. Daddy.

Can I please borrow the car key?

Sure, Angel puss.

Thanks.

My daughter.

I see the resemblance.

Well, Mr. Tate,
I see your problem.

I have trouble understanding it,

but I do see it.

I mean, if I had
such a lovely, feminine,

genteel, sophisticated,

enticing, gorgeous,
gorgeous, gorgeous

piece of gorgeousness
in my house,

I'd never leave.

[GIGGLES]

Well, yes, of course,
but, I mean, you see,

the problem...
Gorgeous, gorgeous.

Uh, Your Ministry, uh...

how do you keep your marriage
trouble-free?

Divorce.

Married years.

My wife decided
we had to have new carpeting.

Guy came to lay the carpet.

Probably got a little confused
about what he was there to lay.

Left me
with four rolls of Bigelow shag

and took off with my wife.

How awful.

Might have been an Indian.

Well, that's beside the point.

We're here to help you people.

Now...

the problem
is Mr. Tate's.

It is not your problem.

You have no problems.

Au contraire.

Now, Mr. Tate,
we have a group

that meets here once a week.

It's a bunch of men
like yourself

with the same sort of problem.

It's kind of a...
group therapy situation

led by a very competent
lay therapist.

I used to lead the group myself,
but I had to quit.

The stories got me too excited.

You should hear those guys talk.

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, I think
it'll do you a lot of good.

Come tomorrow night, : .

Well, I've got to run.

A wedding.

Complete waste of time.

They haven't got a chance.

He's .

She's ,
been married four times.

I give it days.

[WHISPERS] Gorgeous.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Yeah?

Hi.

Make it fast.

Uh...
We don't want any.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Yeah?

Is this Milburn Street?

Who wants to know?

I'm looking for Polly Dawson.

I ain't her.

[POUNDING AT DOOR]

Do you have me confused
with somebody you really hate?

You see this?

Yes, I do. I see that.

Take a good look at it,

because in about two seconds,
it's going to be behind you.

Look, could you just tell Polly
that I'm here?

I'd rather not.

For me?
b*at it.

Can I leave a note?
Eddie.

What's going on
around here? Nothing, Momma.

Oh, excuse me. Hi.

I'm here to see Polly.

Oh, for God sake, Eddie,
let the man in.

Hi.

Polly...

someone to see you.

POLLY: Coming!

Danny.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I...

Hey, who is this creep?

Uh, this is Danny.

Hi there.

Where did you find him?

We met last week
at the cemetery.

Oh, you hang around cemeteries.

I was there visiting my wife.

Oh, and you just happened

to pick up this black chick

along the way,

so the day wouldn't
be a total loss.

Why don't you sit down
and make yourself comfortable?

I'm Polly's mother

and this is her brother, Eddie.

Hi.

Why don't you get out now

while you can still crawl.

I think he's warming up to me.

Eddie, why don't you
get out of here.

Next time, I won't be so polite.

So...

uh, how'd you find me?

It was easy, really.

My stepfather
and my brother and me

staked out the graveyard
for a couple of days,

and when you didn't show there,

I just started in
on the phone book.

There's only
a couple of hundred Dawsons.

Oh, I never did tell you
my address, did I?

Or your last name,
or your phone number.

Well, you didn't ask.

I didn't think
it was a good time.

I guess you changed
your mind, huh?

Yeah, I did.

I don't hear nobody talking.

I was taking a breath, Eddie.

Is it all right if we breathe?

Okay, so long
as it don't become audible.

It's just that
I felt really good

that afternoon.

I haven't felt that good
in a long time,

and I...

I wanted to feel that way again,
so I found you.

Was that okay?

Yes, because I felt
the same way.

You did?

Yes.

EDDIE: Sounds
like a damn movie.

Then you're glad I'm here?

Glad?

I'm amazed.

EDDIE:
I'm incensed.

Eddie!

I thought I might not
ever see you again.

I got a little worried.

I didn't.

You didn't?
Uh-uh,

because there are only
seven Dallases

in the phone book.

[LAUGHS]

See, I did
a little research too.

I guess this means

that maybe I can see you
some more, then, huh?

I would say that's correct.

Will I have to come here?

Eddie, please.

Hey, look, it's only
about : now.

Do you want to go out?

Sure, let's go.

EDDIE:
Have her home by : .

Momma, I'm going to
go out for a few hours.

Oh, honey,
if you go by the cemetery,

stop by Grandpa and say hi.

Oh, we're not going to
go there, Ma.

Oh.

Ready?
Yes.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, nice meeting you, Danny.

See you again, brother.

You touch one hair on her head,

and I will touch
every bone in your head.

He's a little hostile, isn't he?

Oh, don't worry about Eddie.

He gets it from our father.

That's comforting.

Hey, Doc.
Hey.

How you doing, Doc?

Come on, sit down.

Yeah, all right.
Come on.

What's the matter?
Come on, why so glum?

Dow Jones down again?

Burt, I wanted to talk to you
without Mary.

Something's the matter
with Mary?

Wait a minute. D-Doc...

What...? God, she's sick.

Oh, she's not going to die...

No, no, no, Mary...
Mary's fine.

She's never been better.

Oh, good.
Thank you, Doc.

I love you, Doc.
I love you, Doc.

In fact, she's pregnant.

Pregnant? Mary?

That's right.

You mean
she's going to have a baby?

That's what it usually means.

[WHOOPS]

A baby! Ha ha!

Oh, I love it. A baby.

Mary and I...

That'll be
our first baby together.

Doc...

A baby!

Oh, God. Thank you.
You're terrific.

Oh, a baby.
Doc, Doc, Doc...

Mary and I are
gonna have a baby.

I know.

I...

I can't believe it.

Now, Burt, there's something
we have to talk about.

What? I know, I know.
What? Our age.

We're not old. Come on.

It's better to have a baby
when you're older,

because you're smarter.

Really...

you've got more experience,
you know more things,

and... and you don't care so much
about your clothes.

Burt, it's not all good news.

I... Come on, Doc. I know.

What? You never sleep.

Doc, I had three kids.

I didn't sleep for five years.

One or two naps,
pfft, that was it.

Besides, the older you get,
the less sleep you need.

It's a medical fact.

Don't you ever read Newsweek?

Burt, that's not all.

Twins!

We get twins!

Whoo-hoo! Twins!

Two of them!

That's... Oh, God, that's great.

Twins. That's great.

No, no. It's... It's not...

Yes, Doc.

I'm telling you,
it's great, it's great.

I just won't
dress them the same.

I hate that.

I got two old maid twin aunts.

They're now.

They still dress the same.

Every day, they wake up

and argue about
what they're gonna wear.

They're very weird.

Burt, that's not it.

You're probably right.

They were probably weird
to begin with.

No, Burt, it's you.

Yeah, I have been called weird.

Burt, uh, you remember
the tests we did?

Do I remember?

You should see my arms.

I look like a junkie here.

And then you remember
we did a second bunch of tests?

Yes, you took
the rest of my blood.

What, I got
maybe a half a cup left

dashing around my body,
trying to cover it all.

Both sets came back
the same, Burt.

Good. That's a relief.

Then I don't have to do it
a third time.

Burt, I'm afraid
you're a very sick man.

Uh-huh.

You have Mylar Syndrome.

It's a very rare blood disease.

Yeah, so?

What's the cure?

There is no cure.

What happens?

What... What, do you mean
it just goes away all by itself?

I'm afraid not.

Well, what happens?

It's fatal, Burt.

I'm sorry.

[WEAKLY] Mm-hmm.

Are you sure?

That's why we did
the second battery of tests.

There. That's me?

Yeah.

No.

Burt...

No. No, no.

You just told me
we're having a baby.

Burt, you are.

Then I can't die.
I'm not dying. I can't.

Burt, I wish there was
something I could do.

I wish there was
one thing I could do.

How long?

I mean, what, how much time?

About five months.

Five months?

Everybody else gets six.

They always say,
"Six months to a year."

What is this?
I get five?

It... It could be six, Burt.

It could be.
It could be six. No, I...

No, I don't believe that.

I don't.
What do you...?

What do you call this stuff?

It's... It's, uh...
Mylar Syndrome.

Well, you've got
nothing for it here?

You've got... You've got...

You've got wonder dr*gs
and machines and men on Mars,

and you've got nothing
for this stuff here?

What, Mylar wins?

I'm afraid so.

I gotta go.

Are you going to be okay, Burt?

Apparently not.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Doc, Doc, I'm sorry.

Come on, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

You okay?

Burt, if there's
anything I can do...

Are you sure?

[QUIETLY] Yeah.

That's incredible.

On the happiest day of my life,
you tell me I have no life.

I'll see you, Doc.

ANNOUNCER:
What will happen with Danny and Polly?

Will her brother let it happen?

Now that he's dying,
what will Burt do?

Will he do it quickly?

Will he tell Mary?

Will he pay his doctor's bill?

Will Chester
get himself some help

at the minister's group?

Or will Chester help himself
to the minister's daughter?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of... Soap.

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