03x13 - Episode 13

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Eunice was cheating on Dutch,
which could shorten her life.

Chester is going to therapy

for his lifelong problem
of playing around.

Life is better for Danny
now that he's dating Polly.

Mary is bringing life
into the world

in that she's pregnant.

And poor Burt found out
he has a fatal disease,

which will cut
his life short shortly.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL SHOUTING]

We begin this episode

shortly after Burt has found out

he's going to die.

Burt.

Hey, Mare.

He told you.

The doctor told you?

I wanted to tell you myself.

You know?

He called me
just a little while ago

and told me.

Isn't it wonderful?

Wonderful?

This is... This...
This is wonderful?

You don't want the baby?

Ah! No, the baby.

Oh, Mare, I love the baby.

I love it.

I want your baby.
I love that baby.

It's so great.

Baby. I know.

But he didn't tell you
anything else?

What else is there?

Oh, who knows?
I don't know.

Maybe he told you.

I got so crazy happy
when I found out.

Oh, Burt, I'm so relieved
that you're happy.

I didn't know
how you'd take the news.

I mean, this isn't anything
we've ever discussed.

This is not the best time
for us to be having a baby.

You're telling me.

It'll be wonderful, Burt.

It will.

A baby.

With a baby, we'll stay young.

Forget "young".

I'll settle for "stay".

Our first baby together.

What is it?

What?

You're staring.

Your face.

I was looking at that face.

I love it, Mare.

You've got a great face, toots.

I don't ever want
to stop seeing you.

Are you crying?

What? No. Yes.
Could be!

Who knows? Joy.
Tears of joy here.

Go pack a bag.
Pack?

Come on, Mare, pack.
We're going to go.

We're going to travel.
We're going to see the world.

We'll go to Africa, Mare.
Come on.

Let's go to Africa
before it's too late.

Too late for what?

For the... For the rhinos, Mare.

The rhinos are dying.

The rhinos and all the elephants
are dying,

not to mention others,

so let's get there
before they're all dead.

Mare, please,
let's get to Africa

before Colonel Sanders does.

Burt, this is perhaps
not the best time

for me to go to Africa,
you know?

Being pregnant and all.

I know!
Yes, you're pregnant!

No, don't do this.
Come over...

You don't go to Af...

The elephants...
Sit down, there.

Easy. That's it.
You sit down.

Mary, you should stay home.

Burt, I'd like to stay home.

I'm going to stay home
with you too, Mare.

For the next five...
God willing, six... months,

I'm not going to work.

Burt, you can't leave work.

I don't have to go there.

Danny can run everything.
I'm going to stay home with you.

And smoke.
You got a cigarette?

Burt, you don't smoke.

It's time to start.
I'm going to learn how.

What in the world
do you want to smoke for?

Because you're having
a baby, Mare.

That's traditional.

You... You...
You pass out cigarettes.

Cigars.

Cigars! Who cares?

I'll smoke anything.

I want to smoke and drink
and eat fatty foods.

Come on, Mare.

Let's go get us
a fatty pastrami.

Burt, I'm the one

that should want
the funny foods.

I'm the pregnant one.

Ah, that's right.
That's true.

This is... All right.

Go put on your best dress.

We're going to go out,

and we're going to celebrate.

Where?

What kind of funny food
you want?

French.

Good. Go get dressed.

We're going to Paris.

Come on! Mary, go! Go!

Not so fast.
Easy. Walking.

[PANTING]

Phew.

Oh.

When they said, "You giveth
and you taketh away,"

they knew
what they were talking about.

But all in one day?

Ah, I'm sure
you've got your reasons.

I got a request, though.

Take care of them.

You take good care of them.

You, uh... do that.

Just do that one thing.

And if you get
a little time on your hands,

you got nothing to do,

don't wait for a telethon,
would you?

Just find a cure.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Oh, hurry. Hurry.

Oh, look at us.
We're soaked.

Oh...

I don't believe it.

Well, so much for the zoo.

Those poor animals,
having to stand

out in weather like this.

I never realized how rotten

an elephant could smell
when he's wet.

I love you.

Uh, sorry.

It, uh, just slipped out.

It's the rain.

Rain.

Do you think

it's going to rain tomorrow?

I heard that if the sky is red,

it usually means that...

Means that the rain...

Did you just kiss me like that

because you love me too,
or what?

I love you

and I never want to let you go.

I guess this means
that we'll be seeing

a lot more of each other, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Danny.

They're staring.

Who?

Everybody. Look.

They're blatantly staring at us.

Well, we're kissing.

No, no. No, no.

That's not why they're staring.

They're staring because
we're a bisexual couple.

We are?

Yeah, you're black
and I'm white,

and they're staring.

We're also dripping wet
and hugging.

I'd stare at that.

Well, I tell you,

some people just have
nothing better to do.

Danny, it's so cold.

Oh, here, here, wrap up in this.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, as long as we're here,
why don't we dry off?

How?

There's no sun out there.

It's raining.

Dryers.

Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

[SHIVERING]

Hey, how are we
going to do this?

You take off your shirt,

give me the jacket,

I'll take off my shirt,

put on the jacket
till the shirt is dry.

Okay.
Uh...

Here.

Wait a minute.
Uh...

I got it. I got. I got it.

Ah, good. Good.

Yeah.

And then, uh...

And then I'll take off my pants,

and you can
give me back the jacket,

and I'll tie the jacket
around my waist

until my pants are dry,

and then you can wear my pants

while your pants are drying.

How about you dry your shirt,
I wear it till mine dries,

then when mine dries,
I give yours back to you,

and you wear yours
and I wear mine?

Do I have to wear your pants?

Well, not unless you want to.

Good, because I don't do that.

Okay.

How about
we hop in the dryer ourselves

and save time?

Are you kidding?

You get hit with a hot zipper,

it's all over.

Hey, are you hungry?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

How about you?

Yeah. What we got?

Let's see. We got...

[SQUISHES]

We got wet egg salad
and wet ham and cheese.

Yuck.

Anything dry?

Just the coffee.

What's the matter?

Their staring at us again.

Danny, I don't wonder.

I mean, look at us.

I'm telling you,

some people just have
nothing better to do.

Danny...

Well, it's not right.

Danny...

right or wrong,
people are going to stare.

I mean, we're different,

and they may or may not approve,

but the fact of it is

that we're just going to
have to get used to that.

I know.

You're right.

Hey, let's get out of here.

Well, I don't think
our clothes are dry yet.

Hey, sure they are.

How about that?

Dry as a bone.

Oh, good.

I love you.

I heard.

What are you staring at, clown?

Danny...

No, wait a minute.
What are you staring at?

Because we're different colors?

Because, uh...

Because maybe you don't approve?

Huh? Is that it,
bug eyes?

We happen to be in love.

I'm very happy
for the both of you.

So what's your problem?

You've got on my shirt.

Oh...

Hi.

Hi.

What time is it?

Nine.

Nine? Nine in the morning?

Yes.
Why didn't you wake me?

Because if I woke you,

we wouldn't have gotten
any sleep at all.

Sleep?

Who cares about sleep?

A person spends
a third of his life sleeping.

Why don't we go back to bed?

Let me get a little nourishment
first, okay?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just so excited.

I mean, it's like
discovering America

or a third arm or something.

I know.

This is the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

I should have started this
years ago.

I mean, to hell with television.

Why don't we have
some breakfast together.

Who could eat?

I feel like running
up on the roof

and telling
the whole neighborhood

what happened last night.

Well, I'm sure that most of them
already know.

I was a little loud, wasn't I?

I understand how you feel.

Like Christopher Columbus.

But this wears off in time.

I can't imagine why.

You know, Billy,
sex isn't everything.

[CHUCKLES] You're wrong.

No, it isn't.

It didn't keep
my marriage together.

There's got to be
much more than sex.

I know that.
Don't you think I know that?

It just can't be
all that we have.

Look, this could stop tomorrow
and I'd still be with you.

It's just icing on the cake.

Oh, Billy.

Now, how about some breakfast?

We'll eat later.

Oh.

I don't believe this.

[GIGGLES]

Hi.

Hi.

How's my favorite mother?

Fat.
Your favorite mother is fat.

Ma, you're not fat.

It's okay, really.

It's the most wonderful thing
about being pregnant.

You can eat all you want,

because eventually you'll have
no figure to worry about anyhow.

[LAUGHS]

Mallomar?

Uh, no thanks.

You're terrific.

What's that for?

What's that for?

You're going to be a new mother,
and that's wonderful.

Life is wonderful.

Could we talk?

I thought we were.

About me.

Of course.

I'm in love.

I know.

You know?

You think
I don't know my own boy?

You're finally happy again.

I can see it in your eyes.

I'm so happy I can't believe it.

Who is she?
Black.

Black?

Right.

Martha Black
from down the block?

No.

Good, because she's married.

This one's a widow.

Who?
The one I love.

She's a widow, and black.

Black?

You mean in terms of color?

I'm nuts about her.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Ma...

I don't believe
you feel this way.

Danny, I don't feel that way,

but there are idiots out there
who do feel that way,

and they tend to make life
very hard

for those of you
who feel the way you do.

I'm scared, that's all.

We love each other.

How do her parents
feel about this?

[CHUCKLES]

They hate it.

Oh, good.

So far, it's a piece of cake.

Come on, Bob, try it.

No way! No way!

No way.
I'm scared stiff.

No way, no way.

Aah!

Look out, Jodie!

Aah!
Whoa!

Look, if God had wanted me

to have little wheels
on my feet,

I would have been a skateboard.

Bob, it's fun.
Look, let me show...

No, no, no, no, don't show me.

I don't want you to show me.

Bob, there's a lot of girls

at the roller rink.

Well, yeah,

there's a lot of girls
at the beach too.

Uh, Chuck and I thought
we'd go roller-skating.

I see.

You want to come?

Uh...

No, actually.

Uh, Chuck...

[THUMPS]

Yeah?

How about a whip
with Bob at the end?

Hey, yeah.

Come on, here you go, Bob!

Bob! Bob!

What's the problem?

Well, uh, remember that girl?

The one we were looking for?

Yeah.

Polly.
Yeah.

Black?
Yeah.

You met her
in the...? Yeah.

You're in love
with her? Yeah.

I'm not surprised.

I am.

So what's
the problem? I'm white.

So?

She's not.
So forget her.

I can't.
Then don't.

We're right back
where we started.

Yeah, but for a while,
it was going very nicely.

Look, it's just not that simple.

I-I don't know
what I'm going to do.

What are you worried about?

Other people.

Danny, all my life,
I've had to worry

about what other people
thought about me,

and I was alone for a long time,

but all I can tell you is this...

if you really love her,
don't let her go,

because you may never
find her again,

and that would be worse

than anything
anybody could ever do to you.

That was beautiful.

Thanks, Jodie.

No problem, Dan.

Just follow your heart.

Hey, are we
going skating or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

See you later.

Well, I got to get going too.

I got to go meet Polly.

How do you really feel
about this?

Well, I feel life
is sometimes hard,

and it is less than perfect,

but it's your life,

and the choices you make

will be the best choices
for you,

and that's okay with me.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh...

[HUMMING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

Oh, hi, Mary.

So, tell me,

what is the big news?

I've been waiting all morning.

You won't believe it.

You won't believe
what I have to tell you.

Oh, let me guess.

You'll never guess.

Never.

Not in a million years.

It would be the last thing
in the world

that would cross your mind.

We could sit here for days
and you would never think of it.

What are you going to tell me,
that you're pregnant?

Well, you have even managed
to ruin this one.

Oh, Mary.

How wonderful.

You're pregnant?

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you.

Always, whenever
I have had a surprise,

you have managed to ruin it.

When we were little,

you knew what was
in my birthday presents

before I opened them.

You knew I was going
to be engaged before I did.

You probably know
when I'm going to die.

No. When?

Oh, Mary, this is so exciting.

It is the best news
in the world.

Oh...

How do you feel?

Nauseous.

I remember that.

But I'm eating like a pig.

I know.

When I was pregnant,

I sat down
in front of the refrigerator

for nine months

and never moved.

Jessica...

Do you think
I'll be able to do it?

I think you already have.

No, what I mean is,

do you think I'll have
the energy and patience?

It's been a long time
since I've had a baby.

Oh, Mary, don't worry.

It'll be wonderful.

And I'll help.

And if it's a little boy,

it can have Timmy's
hand-me-downs.

Of course,
if it's a little girl,

it can have them too.

I mean, we're not talking
about three-piece suits here.

Don't worry, Mary.

It'll be wonderful,

and I'm going to help you...

wherever I can.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Oh. You have some?

What?

Cake.

Well, I have some cookies.

Anything.

So, how are things with Chester?

Oh, he is working so hard.

He's going to the minister's
counseling sessions

morning, noon, and night.

It is so wonderful to see.

Which ones do you want?

All.

Mary, how does Burt
feel about the baby?

Oh, Burt is thrilled.

We've never had a baby before.

I know.

This will be...

the first...

Oh!

Are you going to throw up?

Jessica!

A bowl.
I'll get you a bowl.

A calendar.
I need a calendar.

Yes, yes, okay.

I really don't think
that's exactly the right thing.

I mean, Mary,

it's going to go right through.

Not a colander. A calendar.

A calendar.

With dates.

Oh. Oh, yes.

A calendar...

Here. Here, Mary.

Here's a calendar.

Oh, this is awful.

This is just so awful.

See, I found saltines helped.

Jessica...

this baby may not be Burt's.

Oh...

Well, it was when Burt
went up to the spaceship

and Alien Burt came down,

and...

I made love with both of them.

It could be either one.

I see.

Well, Mary, did Alien Burt
look like Real Burt?

Exactly.

Well, then
you don't have a problem,

because, you see,

the baby will look like a Burt,
and Burt will never know.

Jessica, Alien Burt
was really a little silver man.

Well, Mary,
if it's a little silver baby,

then we'll know
who the father is.

You know, the Kents
had the same problem.

Fred and Lillian Kent?

No, Mr. and Mrs. Clark Kent.

I don't believe I know them.

Superman and Lois Lane.

If they had a baby,
it might fly.

You see, Mary,
this isn't unusual at all.

I mean, with a baby,
you never know what will happen.

I mean, will it have blue eyes?

Will it be left-handed?

Will it be silver?

Will it fly?

But, whatever you have,
you'll love it just the same.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Billy has found a new pastime,

will he ever do
anything else again?

What kind of baby
will Mary have?

Will she have to buy baby food
or a dry cell battery?

What will Danny and Polly do
now that they're in love?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.