03x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: In the last episode
of Soap, Jessica was happy

that Chester was going
to marriage counseling.

Danny and Polly were happy
because they're in love.

Burt was not at all happy

because he was told
he's going to die.

And everyone was happy
because Mary is pregnant.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is Soap.

[LOUD CRASHING]

Hi.

A book. Nothing.

A book.

What book?

Nothing. It's boring.

I don't even know.

What is that?
Is that a dirty book?

No, it's not
a dirty book. Huh?

Come on, Danny.
It's my book. Let me see it.

You got a dirty book there?

Don't... Come on.
Give me that book.

Give me that book.
[YELPING]

Give it to me.

Die Without Fear?

Bullfighting.

I was going to take it up,
and I-I just changed my mind.

It's a terrible book, Danny.

No laughs.

Oh, Burt, no.

No.

No one knows.

[EXHALES]

Danny...

Danny.

Danny, no one knows,
you hear me?

No one.

Danny, I don't want
anybody to know.

No one knows, Dan.
No one.

No one?

No one.

Ma!

No.

Come over here.

No, Danny, please.

No one.

I don't want anyone to know.

Promise me. Come on.

Danny.

Come on, swear.

No one?

I swear.

What can I do?

Is there anything I can do?

Take care of your mother.
And the baby.

I need you to take care
of your mother and the baby.

I will.

I will, Burt.

And you run the business
the way I showed you.

No days off when it drizzles.

Oh, Burt.

Because I'm going
to be watching.

Bet you can.

Dan, I bet you can watch.

Probably can't say anything,
but I bet you can watch.

Sure hope you can.

Burt, if you can,

if there is a life after,
will you let me know?

What should I do,
pick up the phone and call?

What?

Or write.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, uh...

there's nothing
that they could do?

Did you see a doctor?

No, I diagnosed it myself.

Burt, you may have made
a mistake.

No, Danny,
of course I saw the doctor.

Well, that explains
why you've been missing work.

Oh, Burt...

Come on, Dan.

Come on.

The only thing
that really bothers me

is I never left my mark.

You know, and, uh...

I mean,
I'm not leaving anything behind.

Sure you are.

What?

The Murray Hill Condos.

Oh, no, no, no, Danny.

No, I mean,
something special, you know?

Something so that, like,
years from now,

the name of Burt Campbell
might get mentioned,

you know, sometimes.

I'll talk about you.

I know, Dan.

I don't mean that, Danny.

I mean, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, I'll tell you something
if you promise not to laugh.

Promise.

I want to get into
the Guinness Book of Records.

Huh?

Hey.

Huh?

What do think of that?

Fattest man.

You could be the fattest man

before you die.

How long have you got?

Five months.
That's not enough time.

Stop eating.
Be the thinnest man.

I won't live five months.

Tallest man.

Danny, I'm not growing anymore.

Is that part of the disease?

No, Danny.

Five months, huh?

Well, it's a cinch

you're not going to be
the oldest man.

Hey.

Hey, look at this.

Hey, this is great.

Highest temperature
ever endured by a human,

degrees.

That's it!

You will endure .

What will I do,
dress light and sit in the oven?

Yeah.
Sit down, Danny.

Hey.

Hey, here it is.

Standing up.

I can do that.

The longest time
a man has remained standing,

years.

I have five months.

Maybe standing on one foot.

Give me the book, please.

Hey, how about staying up, Burt?

You got insomnia anyway.

This, huh?

Grape catching.

The longest recorded distance

for catching a thrown grape
in the mouth

is feet.

Let's try it.

All right, here.

Get over there.

Danny, this is like , feet.

Well, we'll work our way up.

All right, let's go.

Come on.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Aah!

What?

Oh, my eye.

Can you open it?

You got me in the eye.

Oh, God, Burt, I'm sorry.

This is great.

I got five months to live.

I'm not going to see any of it.

Hey, Burt, how about
the longest distance

a blind man can drive a car

without hitting something?

I'm dying in five months.

Is that not fast enough for you?

How about the longest

a man can not
go to the bathroom?

How about the longest
you keep your mouth shut?

Get away from me, Danny.

Burt...

♪ Up came the sun
And dried up all the rain ♪

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the spout again ♪

That's my big boy.

Hi.

Hi.

Do I have to be quiet?

Oh, don't worry.

He sleeps like a log.

Oh, so he is such
a beautiful baby, Corinne.

I think he's the most
beautiful baby

I've ever seen.

Thank you.

Oh, except for his ears,
he's perfect.

That and his nose.

What's the matter
with his ears and nose?

Nothing's the matter
with his ears and nose.

They just aren't
the classic Tate ears and nose.

Well, his father is a Flotsky

and his mother is adopted,

so I don't wonder.

Oh, well,
apart from that, darling,

he is gorgeous.

Well, it was really nice of you

to drop in, Eunice.

Oh, Corinne, I was wondering

if you could
do me a little favor. What?

Well, I have a date tonight,

and I told Dutch

that you're sneaking around
with a married man

and that you asked me
to bring him this note,

so would you do that for me?

Eunice, how dare you?

Oh, come on.

I covered for you lots of times.

But I never asked you
to tarnish your reputation.

Your reputation
isn't going to be tarnished,

and even if it was,
who could tell?

I should lie,

so that you can go out
with Eric?

Eric? Oh, please.

I'm not seeing Eric anymore.

Eric...

Corinne, I'm seeing somebody
really special.

Jerry.

What happened to Eric?

Dutch found out where he lived
and had a little chat with him,

and sort of clarified
the situation,

if you know what I mean.

So where is he?

In Montana, herding sheep.

Oh, come on, Corinne.

Will you help me?
Please?

You've done
the same thing I'm doing,

lots of times.

I never ran around
behind my boyfriend's back.

Oh, you were never off your back
long enough to run around.

At least the only leather
I ever get into

is my shoes.

Ooh! Corinne.

All right, Eunice,

I'll do this for you
this one time,

but never, ever ask me to do
anything like this ever again.

Oh, I promise, never.
I never will.

Thank you, Corinne.

Fine.

Oh, Corinne,
can I borrow your blue dress?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi.

Hi.

Where's your father?

Baptizing the Johnson twins.

Oh.

Come on in.

His office called

and said that the group
encounter session

was at this address.

We're it.

[LOCK CLICKS]

We're what?

God, you are handsome.

Oh...

Excuse me?

I made the call.

We're the session.

Should have brought
my pith helmet.

Scotch?

Uh, no, no. Thanks.

Look, uh, Gloria,

I don't...

I don't know what
you've got on your mind,

but, uh...

Gloria...

Hold me.

Not a good idea.

No, that's not really
a good idea.

You... You... You see,
I'm trying to be good,

and this is no good

if you're trying to be good...

No, no, no.

I don't do that anymore.

It's got to stop.

I'm ruining my life
with this kind of thing.

The time to stop is now.

Now is the time.

God, my timing is terrible.

I want you.

No, Gloria,
I've come here for help.

No, I-I need help.

I'll help.

[WATER BED SLOSHING]

Should have brought
the Dramamine.

Don't you think I'm attractive?

You kidding?

I couldn't take my eyes off you

the first time I saw you.

Uh, is there anything on TV?

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my.

That's incredible.

You can't tell

where one person ends
and another begins.

[TURNS TV OFF]

Don't you want to see
how it turns out?

Oh, I can imagine.

Ah, I've got it.

This is a test, right?
I am being tested.

Your father said every man
is tested every day of his life,

and this is my little test.

Oh, Chester...

Hope it doesn't turn out
to be multiple choice.

I want you.

Look, Gloria, please,
I've come for help.

I'm old enough
to be your father.

No, please.

Don't. Don't.

[GIGGLES] No, don't.

Don't. Please.

You're nibbling my ear, Gloria.

Please don't nibble.

Oh, God, I'm being nibbled.

Gloria, I have
come here for help.

I am falling from grace.

Gloria, I'm falling.

See, I need help, Gloria.

I need help.

[HALF-HEARTEDLY] Help.

Burt, Polly
and her entire family

are going to be here
any minute now.

Must you do that?

Danny, come on, please.
Give me a break.

I've been at this
almost straight hours now.

I'm trying to establish
a world record.

Come on, Dan, I can't just stop

because suddenly
company's coming over.

Well, uh,
what about bathroom breaks?

They give you bathroom breaks,
don't they?

Yeah.
Good.

Take one
for about three hours, okay?

Danny,
I don't take bathroom breaks.

It ruins my concentration.

You mean you haven't gone
in hours?

That's probably a record
right there.

Danny, of course I've gone.

I figured out a way

to keep doing this
while doing that.

Oh, this is terrific.

This is really great.

Polly and her family
are going to come in here,

take one look at that,
and go right back out again.

Danny, please relax,
for crying out loud.

I mean, just because
one guy in the house

is doing something
a little different

doesn't mean
the entire family is crazy.

Gin! Ha, ha!

That's that. Everything is done.

Done? What did you make?

A roast. Calm down.

A roast? A roast?

Yes, a roast?

A roast what?
What did you roast?

A yak.

A yak?

I don't think Polly's parents
are into health foods.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

How you doing?

Forget it.
We're not leaving.

Who said anything about leaving?

We're not moving.

Come on, you guys.

Give me a break, will you?

My girlfriend
and her entire family

are going to be here any minute.

I wouldn't miss this
for the world.

Gin! Ha, ha!

Hey, listen, what's for dinner?

Is it grits, cornpone
ribs, collard greens?

If you so much
as look cross-eyed

at any one of her family,

I'm going to turn you
into a pepper mill.

You got it?

[STRANGLED] Got it.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

All right, they're here!

Come on!

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Come on in.

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome.

Ma, this is Polly.

Hi. Pleased to meet you.

Hello.

And, uh, this is
her mother, Rose,

and this is her father, Walter,

and, uh, that's
her brother, Eddie.

This is my mother, Mary.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you too, Mary.

How do you do?

How do you do?

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

Uh, Danny, take their coats.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hi. Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the house.

It's really nice
to have you here.

Make yourselves at home.

I'm Burt.

So come on.

Tell me all about yourselves.

Oh, the balloon?

Uh, see, uh, Burt is trying

to get into the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Well, I figured it was
something important.

So, uh, what do you do?

I'm a musician.

No kidding.

What is it?
Bebop, scat, what?

I'm an oboist

for the New York
Philharmonic Orchestra.

Hey, no kidding.

Really?
That's incredible.

I mean, Danny here
plays the harmonica.

Hey, Mare!

Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?

Yes.

Excuse us, darling.

Hi, everybody.
I'm Chuck.

And I'm Bob.

Swell.

This one plays with balloons,

and the Beach Boy has a doll.

Well, come on in.

So...

So...

So, Danny here tells me

that you're a family of Negroes.

Is that true?

Bob, come on.
Man, wait a...

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm, uh...

I'm really sorry about that.

Somehow,
I'm not really insulted.

You're a good sport.

No, I'm a lousy sport.

It's just that I can't get
very upset

at a person who vents
his pent-up hostility

through a piece of wood.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Hi. Getting acquainted?

In a manner of speaking.

It's going very, very badly.

Big surprise.

Are we trying to quit smoking?

Uh, no.

No, we, uh...
We have a little baby girl.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's my son.

My other son.

It's a half-son.

My other half-son.

I have two halves and one whole.

My brother, he's a father.

Yeah, right.
His brother, my son.

His daughter
is my granddaughter.

Yeah, yeah, see,
my brother is my niece's father.

Yeah, listen, what it means
is that his brother is...

I got it. I got it.

They're a lovely couple,
aren't they?

Oh, yes, they are.

It's sweet.

Very.

They're out of their minds.

Totally.

Let's get a drink.

Make it doubles?

You got it.

So, Eddie, uh, what do you do?

I'm a writer.

I didn't know that.

Well, we've never really
had a chance to chit-chat.

What do you write?

Essays, magazine articles.

The plight of the black race.

years of oppression.

The white man's disgrace.

Oh, so you're a gag writer,
is that it?

Dinner's ready.

Come and get it.

Uh, listen,
next time you come over,

you ought to bring your horn.

My what?

Your oboe.

I never heard an oboe.
Can you imagine that?

Yes, I can.

[SIGHS]

Oh, that was really tense.

Tense? Ha.
That was ridiculous.

Well...

I think the worst part is over.

Oh, you think so?

No.

Well, that was easy.

It gets easier with practice.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

[LOUD BANG]

ROSE: Eddie!

EDDIE: Hey, I didn't
do it on purpose.

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, hi, Daddy.

You know,

I'll never be able to understand

why it is
you think I'm your father.

Oh, Daddy.

Look, Daddy. Paris.

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm thinking of taking a trip
with Chester.

Either there or Italy.

What do you think?
You've been to both.

Either place is fine.

Just stay away from Guadalcanal.

Jess...

Hi, Chester. Look.

Jess, listen.

Paris.

That's very nice.

Jess, I have to talk to you.

A trip to Paris, Chester,
just you and me.

Jess, I don't want to go away.

Oh, come now, colonel.

Paris might be occupied,
but it's still beautiful.

Major, would you please go?

Not me. I hate the French.

Daddy, would you do me favor?

Would you see if you could find
some pictures of Italy

for me to look at?

Oh, fine. You'll love Italy.

You can look up
my friend, Sergio.

He'll get you
all the women you need.

Jess...

Now, Chester,
don't you interrupt me.

You have been wonderful.

You have been working so hard,

going to the minister's
counseling sessions

morning, noon and night.

So, I have decided
on a special reward:

a trip to Europe.

[SOBS]

My dear...

Chester, don't cry, dear.

We don't have to go to Europe.

We could go to the Caribbean.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Jess...

[SOBBING] I can't stand it.

Oh, well, then
we don't have to go.

There, there, darling.

I had no idea
traveling upset you so.

Oh, Jessie...

Jess, I am so crazy.

I am so crazy.

Oh, no,

you're not, Chester.

Traveling is not
what it used to be.

What I've done...

What I've done...

I've screwed up my life.

Oh, no.

Now, darling,

that is all in your past.

No, it's not.
It's not.

I'm so...

Oh, this must be
a part of your therapy.

Oh, I can't stand it.

I am so crazy
to be in love with her.

I guess this is

what they call
a "breakthrough."

I can't stand
being in love with her,

and yet I am mad about her.

I know. I know.

There, there.

I beg your pardon?

I'm so confused.

I know it's crazy to love her,

but I'll die if I lose her.

Who?

Gloria.

Gloria?

Yeah, the minister's daughter.

You and the minister's daughter?

You know, it's funny. I...

I feel more stupid
than anything else.

I feel so incredibly stupid

to have thought for one minute
you could ever change.

Jess, this hurts me
as much as it hurts you.

It hurts you?

It hurts you?

Nothing could hurt you,
Chester Tate.

You have no soul.

But I will tell you one thing,
and you listen to me carefully.

I will never, ever,

under any circumstances
whatsoever,

take you back again.

This is
the very last time, Chester.

It is final
and it is irreparable.

Now, you get out of this house.

I've got a life
I'm going to live.

ANNOUNCER: Will Burt get into
the World Book of Records?

Will he live to read it?

What will happen with Chester

and the minister's daughter,
pray tell?

Now that Jessica is alone,
what will she do?

Will she be alone for long?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.