03x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Chester broke the news

that he's in love
with the minister's daughter,

and while it didn't
break her spirit,

Jessica threw him
out of the house.

Burt, because he only has
a short time to live,

is trying to break a record,

but might wind up
breaking his neck.

But he hasn't
broken the news to Mary

that he's going to die.

Eunice has been cheating
on Dutch,

and might get her head broken
if he finds out.

And Polly's family
met the Campbells,

and nobody broke any records
in getting along.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL SHOUTING]

...

and one.

For the record.

You sure this guy
caught quarters?

That's what the book says.

Stand back.
You ready? Yeah.

Hey!
Oh!

[COINS CLATTERING]

Burt!

I don't get it. I don't get it.

This guy caught .

I caught one.
I got on the floor here.

Burt, what are you doing?

Told you, Mare, I'm trying

to get into the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Well, what happened
to the balloons?

They kept breaking.

Hey, how about this?

Spitting.

Hell, I'm leaving.

Bob...

The longest distance spit,
feet, one inch.

Well, that guy must've
had some kind of cold.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Look at this one here.

Wait.

This guy dove feet
from the Flatiron Building

into a child's wading pool

filled with and a half
inches of water.

Mare, where are my trunks?

Burt, are you crazy?

No, Mare.

Come on,
I really want to do this.

Why? What for?

For the baby.
I told you,

so the baby has a father
really to be proud of, you know?

Burt, this is insane.

You cannot dive off a building.

What if you miss?

If he misses,

he doesn't break the record.

If he misses,
the baby has no father.

Burt, stop this, okay?

You don't need to do this.

Oh, yeah, Mare, I do.

I need to leave my mark.

You want to leave your mark?

Then how about diving off
the Flatiron Building

into no water?

Boys, would you
excuse us, please?

I'd like to talk to Burt alone.

Hey, Burt, uh...

how about the first guy
to survive a decapitation?

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Burt...

Look, Mare.
I don't believe this.

Look at this.

This guy ate a bicycle.

An entire bicycle, Mare.

This little French guy.

Burt, I want to talk to you.

The tires alone
must have taken a month to chew.

Burt, put that book away.

Maybe I could eat a moped.

Burt...

Come on, Mare.

Burt, what's wrong?

You took my book.

No, Burt, not that.

What's going on with you?

You have been acting so strange.

How am I acting strange?

You want to dive off a building
and eat a Mercedes.

That's not strange?

If I ate a car,
it'd have to be an economy car.

Burt, please, talk to me.

What's going on?

Mare, I want to do something
that makes me special.

Oh, Burt, you are special.

Yeah, well, to you, Mare,

but what about
the rest of the world?

I want to be special
to the whole world.

To the whole world?

Would be nice.

Listen, I want you to be able
to open a book some day

and read about me.

That way, I'll always be here.

Burt, I'd much rather
have you here in person, okay?

Yeah, well, Mare,

you're not always
going to have that.

I mean, some days,
I could go to work...

and then all you have to do
is open a book and be reminded.

I don't need that.

I'm reminded all the time.

Yeah, but other people.
What about other people?

Other people might want to read
about me while I'm at work.

Burt...

Come on, Mare.
And the baby.

Come on, the baby might
want to read about me

in a book someday.

The baby will dribble
all over the book.

Burt, listen...

Dribble?

They do that.

Dribble. Dribble. That's it.

Mare, I'll dribble.

It's not very becoming, Burt.

No, a basketball dribble.

The longest basketball dribble.

Mare, you're a genius.

Danny, a basketball!

This is the big one here!

Burt, stop it.

Now, just stop it a minute.

Something is wrong.

I can feel it.

There's something
you're not telling me.

No.

Burt, I know you.

What's wrong?

Nothing, Mare.

Nothing.

Swear to God and hope to die.

Oh, terrific.

Mare, nothing's wrong.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Okay, Burt.

Here's the basketball.

What are you going to do,
swallow it?

Open the door, Danny, please.

Count.

One, two, three, four...

That's a good boy.

Now, you go to sleep, okay?

Hey, Corinne.

Hi, Dutch.

Is he sleeping?
Ah, not a chance.

He needs less sleep than I do.

Here. I made these.

Animal Crackers.

Oh, Dutch, how sweet.

Oh, look at them.

Look, a dog.

It's an elephant.

Where's his trunk?

Here.

Oh.

Oh, and this is a cat.

A cow.

It looks like a cat.

That's because
it's sitting down.

It's a cow sitting down.

See?

Oh, yes, of course.

They're for you
and little Timmy.

Oh, good.

Timmy'll have one
and I'll have .

Thanks, Dutch.

Hey, you're welcome.

I had fun making them.

Dutch, is something wrong?

No, nothing, nothing.

Oh.

Yeah.

What is it?

I don't know
what to do, Corinne.

I've thought
and thought about it,

and I don't know what to do.

What do you think I should do?

Well, it would help
to know about what.

Eunice.
Oh, Eunice.

Your sister.

Yes, I know.

I caught her with
another guy, Corinne,

and she promised
she'd never do it again,

and I should believe her.

I'm supposed to believe her,

and there's no reason
not to believe her,

but I don't believe her.

Would I believe her?

Oh, well, let me see.

Would I believe her?

That's a good question.

Boy. Would I believe her?

She's never home.

Never home, yeah.

Wait a minute.

I can't ask you that.

You can't rat
on your own sister.

Hey, I'm sorry, Corinne.

Just forget I asked that, okay?

It's just that...

I guess I needed
somebody to talk to.

You know,
I ain't got nobody to talk to.

Oh, Dutch, you can talk to me.

I want you to know that.

You can always talk to me.

Thanks, Corinne.

I just might not be able
to answer.

Corinne,
can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Do you find me stupid?

Dutch, you are
one of the nicest people I know.

Aw, come on.

No, really.

I mean it.

You're good and kind and loving,
and not at all stupid.

In fact, I'm...
I'm proud to know you.

Hey, thanks, Corinne.

You just can't make a cow.

[HUMMING]

♪ It's gonna happen tonight ♪

[CHUCKLES HEARTILY]

♪ It's gonna happen ♪

♪ And it's gonna be right ♪

George, aren't you ever
going to sit down?

Just making things
perfect, my pet.

[SIGHS]

You'll have to hold it
all the time.

I lost the bottom.

Happy anniversary.

Anniversary?

Well, we've been married
an hour.

And I can't wait
another moment for you.

Mm. I'll say.

You sh*t out of that chapel

like a sprinter.

I barely got out my vows.

You're so... large.

God, you're virile.

Sorry about Mexico, my sweet.

We'll go there next year.

You'll want to k*ll that drink

so you can put the glass down.

Well, I don't know

why we can't go to Mexico now.

I mean, it is our honeymoon.

Don't be silly,
my little chrysanthemum.

If we went there now,
we wouldn't see anything.

All I'd see is you,

and all you'd see

is the ceiling
of the Acapulco Hilton.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

George, I hear a knock.

Mm, the pounding
of my heart, hummingbird.

No, George.
I think it's the door.

Don't you hear it?
Listen.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

There.

Woodpeckers.
Get back down.

It's probably a woman
from your past.

Don't be silly, precious cargo.

There's no woman from my past.

Really, George?

Not anymore.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get it.

What?
Dressed like that?

It's probably the plumber,

and he's Greek.

One look at you,

he'll att*ck you in the hall.

No, I'll get it.

You slip into something
less comfortable.

Hmph.

Another woman indeed.

Why there's only one other woman

I was ever remotely
in love with,

and she's married.

Million miles away.

Hi.

And here she is.

Jess.

George, how are you?

Oh, Jess, how would...

George, George, George.

Oh, Jess.

I mean, speak of the devil...

Wait a minute.

Uh, plumber.

Retsina, ouzo,
uh, moussaka, olives!

George, I have
something to tell you.

I have something
to tell you too.

Are you happy to see me?

Happy...

[SOBBING]

Oh. May I come in?

In where?

Oh, the apartment.

Why, sure.

Come in.

Come in.

Stand right there.

Would you like a potato chip?

George, I really must
speak with you.

Jess, uh...

I love you, George.

Oh, Jess.

I know. I know.

If I had chosen you
in the first place,

I wouldn't
have to come back here

in the second place,

but now I have a second chance
to make the choice

I should have made
in the first place,

and it's not too late

for a second chance
to make that choice.

Oh, George, I love you.

I really, really love you,

and I never stopped.

Oh, George.

Mm, mm...

I was so foolish

to ever think that
Chester or any other man

could love me the way you do.

I have this...

I hope you still do.

Oh, George.

My George.

Oh, Jess. Jess...

Oh, no, George, not now.

We have plenty
of time for that later.

We have the rest of our lives.

I got...

I know, you got rejected,

but darling, he was my husband,

and I had the children
to think about.

Okay, but...

Oh, I'm so happy.

There's so much we haven't done,

and now nothing can stop us.

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, George, I...

Oh, now, that...
that might stop us right there.

George!

Uh, uh...

Oh, George.

You needn't be so embarrassed.

I mean, you didn't know
you were getting me back.

Perhaps I should leave
for an hour.

Come back.

Jess, it's a little more
complicated than that.

How do you do?

I'm Jessica.

George?

Uh, uh, Jessica,

this is Shirley Slotnik Donohue.

Your sister. Of course.

I should have guessed.

You have the same slippers.

No.

Uh, Jess, Shirley's my wife.

I'm sorry.

Not that you're my wife.

I mean,
I'm sorry that she was...

Oh, never mind.

Oh, Mrs. Donohue,

please don't be angry
with George.

He had no idea that I...

Excuse me, I...

I think I'd just like to go.

Uh, Jess, wait.

Pumpkin, could we have
a moment together?

George, this is our honeymoon.

And this is my friend.

Just five minutes.

No, Shirley,
don't leave the room.

It's not necessary.

But Jess...

No.

No secrets.

That's a bad way
to start a new life together.

I think I should just go.

Are you okay?

Perfect.

Jessica, please stay.

I'll go for a walk.

Thank you, Shirley.

That's very nice of you.

You're a very lucky woman.

He's a fine man.

Take care of each other.

Goodbye, Shirley.

Goodbye, George.

She's a lovely girl.

He's a lovely boy.

They're a lovely couple.

Lovely.

We should be thrilled.

I know.

I'm going to sh**t myself.

Give me the g*n
when you're done.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Jess. Hi.

[SOBS QUIETLY]

Jessica, this is Rose Coleman,

Polly's mother.

This is my sister, Jessica Tate.

Hello.

Sit down, Jess.

Tea?

So, how are you?

Oh. Jess, what is it?

[DELIBERATELY]
Would you like to be alone

with your sister?

Are you depressed?

Oh, Jess, I'm sorry.

It's amazing

how they can learn to read lips
so easily.

[DELIBERATELY] I was saying,

it's amazing
how well you read lips.

She doesn't read lips.

Well, she seems
to understand everything.

She hears.

Oh, then she's not deaf.

No.
Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Then you are mute.

Then you are deaf.

What are you?

She's depressed.

Then she can speak.

Yes.

Right, Jess?

She can speak.

Say something, Jess.

It's okay.

I believe you.

You don't have to.
It's all right.

Say "Hi."

No, it's all right.
It's all right.

Hi.

See?

I'm sorry,

but when I get depressed,
I-I can't speak.

My lips get sealed shut.

Rose and I
are kind of depressed too.

Oh? About what?

Polly and Danny.

That's what's depressing you?

Well, yes.

And that's
what's depressing you too?

Well, sort of.

[LAUGHS]

She does this all the time.

Watch.

Her depression will be bigger.

Much bigger.

I just came
from Detective Donohue's.

See, my husband had amnesia,
and he got lost,

so I hired Detective Donohue
to find him,

and what he found
was that Chester had d*ed,

so I had an affair
with Detective Donohue,

and we fell in love,

and then Chester came back...

of course, not from the dead,

because he never was
really dead...

and then I had to choose,

and I chose Chester,
which was the wrong choice,

because Chester
chose to play around,

and he left me
for the minister's daughter,

so I went to Detective Donohue's
to tell him that I was his,

but it was too late...
he's hers.

Whose?

His wife's.

My husband's gone off
with a young woman.

The man I love
is married to someone else.

My children are all grown.

I've lost everyone.

I'm alone.

All, all alone.

She did it again.

She topped me.

She always does that.

She always has one... better.

Thanks, Dutch.
No problem.

[SCREAMS]

Did I scare you, sweetums?

How dare you, Dutch?

Sneaking up on me like that...

You want to talk about sneaking?
Let's talk about sneaking.

What are you talking about?

You don't know
what I'm talking about?

I have absolutely no idea.

How's the Hong Kong Gardens,

for starters, Eunice?

Wasn't me.

You had the sweet and sour pork.

He had the chicken lo mein.

I had the moo goo gai pan,
and it wasn't very good.

There is a perfectly
good explanation

why I was there tonight, Dutch.

I was having dinner
with my girlfriend.

That was a guy.

That was my girlfriend Barbara.

Barbara has a beard?

It's glandular.

Eunice, I followed you
all over town.

That guy was no lady.

You scoundrel.

You absolute scoundrel.

You've been spying on me.

That's it. I've put up with
just about everything from you,

but that's it.

I've had enough.

What are you going to do?

Do? Do?

I'm not going to
do nothing, Eunice.

I mean, we could yell and scream

and lose control,

or we can sit and talk

like two intelligent people.

You know what I mean, Eunice?

Control.

That's what separates
us h*m* sapiens

from the lower forms
of animal life.

Dignity... and control.

[SCREAMS]

[SHRIEKS]

Dutch, I know just how you feel.

That door
is always getting stuck.

It makes me so mad.

Oh, I'm getting out of here.

I'm not through
with you yet, Eunice.

You stay away from me,
you monster!

You two having a fight?

No, that's dangerous!

Throw this.

I can't stand it!

You always spy on me.

You never take your eyes off me.

You are driving me crazy,

and I'm getting out!

Not that.
I just had it fixed.

What's going on?

Nothing, dear.

Get out of the line of fire.

What happened
to the refrigerator?

Isn't that nice?

Now you can see inside
from everywhere in the room.

Any casualties?

No, Daddy.

What did they hit us with?

Sixteens? Buzz bombs?

No, sir.

I'm afraid it's my fault.

Who are you?

Dutch.

Prairie crackers.

If you're Dutch,
you'd be on our side.

Uh, no, sir.

You see, I'm not Dutch,
I'm Dutch.

I see.

Call the MPs.

The man is a loon.

Well, I just came down
to get some formula.

Where did you say
the refrigerator door was?

Out there.

Oh, fine.

Good, I'll come with you.

It's a perfect time
to clean the butter bin.

I can't help it.

I'm a little jealous.

And I don't know what to do.

Oh, Dutch.

Do you...

Do you love this guy?

No.

I just feel trapped, Dutch.

I've never been
as close to anybody

as I am to you.

Before,

when a guy got too close,
I always got scared.

I always ran away.

I've always been afraid
of being hurt.

Of being dumped.

Dutch?

Why, Eunice...

Oh.

I love you so much, honey.

I wish I could believe
that was true.

It's true, darling.

It's true, and I...

I just hope you can forgive me.

Oh, hey, hey.

I'm so afraid.

Hey, there, sweetheart,
everything'll be fine.

Hey, it's okay.

It's okay.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
Will Burt tell Mary he's going to die,

or will he wait
until it's too late?

Will Burt be able

to break a record
before he dies?

Will Jessica
get over her depression?

Will Rose and Mary
get over theirs?

Or will they all
depress each other,

over and over again?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.