03x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie
she wanted to see the baby,

and after seeing the baby,

she told Jodie
she wanted the baby

and would take him to court
for custody.

The doctor told Mary
that she's pregnant,

and then he told Burt
that he was going to die.

Although Mary told Burt
she's pregnant,

Burt didn't tell Mary
he's going to die,

but he did tell Danny,

and then the doctor told Burt
he had made a mistake

and told him he wasn't
going to die after all.

Mary,
who's happy she's pregnant,

is worried
the baby might be an alien,

something she hasn't told Burt.

Danny and Polly told each other
they loved each other,

and then they told
a real estate broker

they wanted a house.

The real estate broker
told them he had a nice house,

but there was no telling

how nice the neighbors would be.

Chester told Jessica

he was in love
with the minister's daughter,

and Jessica threw him
out of the house

and told him never to come back.

Then Jessica got depressed
and went to a psychiatrist,

who told her
she was perfectly normal

and that he wanted to date her.

Meanwhile,

the minister's daughter
told Chester he was too old,

and she left him.

Billy told Jessica
he was getting tired of Leslie,

and Dutch told Eunice
he knew she was cheating,

and Eunice told Dutch
she wouldn't do it again,

then Dutch found a note
telling him

that Eunice had run away
with another man.

Dutch told Corinne,

and Corinne told Dutch

he was still welcome
in the house.

One thing led to another

and Dutch and Corinne
wound up in bed together,

so there's no telling
what will happen.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is... Soap.

What did you say?

What did I just hear you say?

Go on, say it...

Go on, say it to my face.

Come on, you chicken-livered,
yellow-bellied... person.

Go on,
I dare you to say it again.

Go ahead.

I thought that's what you said.

You get out of town
while the getting's good,

while you still got legs
to walk on.

Hey, Burt, can I play?

I'm not playing, Danny.
I'm practicing.

For what?

Remember when I thought
I was dying?

Yeah.

Well, I realized then

that I'd always had a really
kind of selfish life.

I never really helped
my fellow man,

and now that
I'm gonna live, Danny,

I'm gonna change all that.

I'm gonna make good on it.

Dan...

I'm gonna run for sheriff.

You are?

Burt, that's great!

Wow. Hey!
Can I be your deputy?

Let me be your deputy, Burt.
I'd be a great deputy.

Come on,
let me be your deputy, Burt.

Please. Please.

Danny, a deputy's
gotta be trained.

In what?
He's gotta be a cop.

I need a real cop.

I'll be one.
I'll go to cop school.

Oh, Burt, please,

please.

Danny, I haven't
been elected yet.

Oh, you'll get elected.

People hate Sheriff Prentice.

They spit on his car.

Prentice. Prentice. He's bad.

He's a bad, corrupt man.

He's been bad for Dunn's River,

and we need
to clean up this town,

and I intend to do it.

Let's practice.

You be a speeding driver.

I'll catch you.

If I was a speeding driver,
you'd never catch me.

Pretend, Dan.

I'm gonna pretend
to be a k*ller.

A speeding driver
who kills people.

All right, Danny, please.
Let's go. Come on. All right.

Now, you're tooling
down the highway,

and I'm coming up
from behind you,

and I'll stop you.
Ready?

[BOTH MAKING ENGINE NOISES]

[MAKING SIREN NOISE]

Pull over!

[MAKING ENGINE AND SIREN NOISES]

Damn.

[MAKING SCREECHING TIRE NOISES]

[MUTTERING]

Now I'm gonna approach the car.

Now, you gotta do this
very carefully

because, you know,
more cops get k*lled

approaching cars
then anywhere else.

I mean, you gotta approach
it very carefully

in case the guy is armed.

The important thing here,
to be a moving target.

What's the rush, big guy?

Let me give you my license,
officer.

[MAKING sh**ting NOISES]

Hey!

Got you.

I got you first.

You did not.
You winged me.

What do you mean, winged you?

I k*lled you.

I got you in the head.

I got you in the heart!

You did not!
I did too!

Boys!

Boys, if you cannot play nicely,
you'll have to play outside.

Ma, he's gonna be sheriff.

Burt's gonna be sheriff,

and I'm gonna be the deputy.

After dinner.

I don't think it's gonna happen
that fast.

Mare. Mare, what Danny's
trying to say is...

You ready for this?

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

I've decided to run for sheriff.

Hello.

Sheriff, are you crazy?
What if you win?

Do you know
how dangerous that is?

You just got over almost dying.

You want to try again?

Well, maybe this time,
he'll get it right.

This time...

No, no, Mare, listen to me.

Mare, Mare, I'm talking about...

I wanna contribute to the world.

I wanna help my fellow man.

I wanna clean up this town.

This is not Dodge City, Burt.

You want to clean something up,
clean up the garage.

Boy, I love that.

"Clean up this town."

You're starting to sound
like a sheriff already.

Hey, listen,
can I be your deputy?

Come on, let me be
your deputy, huh, Burt?

Hang on. No. I'm
gonna be the deputy.

Oh, come on, Burt,
I'd be a natural.

It's in my genes.

My uncle was a nightstick.

Burt, you're not seriously
going to do this.

Yeah, Mare, what's the matter?

There's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry to about?
What if you get k*lled?

Mare, I'm not gonna get k*lled.

Okay. Okay,
what experience have you had?

What do you know
about being a sheriff?

I know everything
I need to know.

Mary, I got reflexes.

Reflexes, guts,
and a will of iron.

Yeah.

Mom, he'll make a great sheriff.

Look how good he looks.

BURT: Yeah,
come on, please.

All right, just let me show you
my reflexes.

I got the reflexes of a snake.

Here. Danny, this is a Kn*fe.

We're going to pretend
this is a Kn*fe.

Now, Danny's gonna play
a mad, psychotic,

sick, demented k*ller.

[SNARLING]

He's going to come at me
with a Kn*fe,

I will disarm him,
and I will apprehend him.

Please watch.

[ROARS]

[BURT SHRIEKING]

Hi.

Mm!

[MUFFLED] There you are.
Where have you been?

Jessica,
you'll swallow the cotton.

Mm? Oh...

Oh, Mary, I waited
and waited for you.

I had to go to the obstetrician.

I didn't want
to come in here without you.

I hid in the ladies' room,

and that pushy dental hygienist
came in and found me.

Did you have novocaine?

Yeah. You?

[SIGHS]

I asked to be put to sleep,

but he refused to do that
for just a cleaning.

What did the baby doctor say?

Everything seems
to be just fine.

Oh, you see?

Jessica, I could still
give birth to an alien.

There's no way of telling now.

Have you told Burt yet?

No.

Well, maybe he'll never know.

If the baby comes out silver,
he'll know.

Probably.

What's happening with you
and that psychiatrist?

Oh, he's very nice, Mary.

He is very, very nice.

Have you slept with him?

Oh, no.
I'd be afraid to.

Why?

Well, because, Mary,
he's a psychiatrist.

He's gotta be the greatest
lover in the world.

They know everything about sex.

They're the ones
that write those books.

So, you see,

I cannot sleep with him

until I'm sure that I can do it
absolutely perfectly.

There is no
absolutely perfectly.

Well, there's very good.

So I won't do it
until I know that I'm very good.

Of course, I don't know
how in the world

I'm going to get in
any practice.

Oh, Jessica,
I'm sure you're very good.

I don't know.
I mean, how can you tell?

With tennis,

I can look at Chris Evert,
and I know I'm not, but this...

I'm beginning to get
a little numb.

Mm... Me too.

Mary... uh, did you ever...?

I don't know how to put this.

You know, sometimes
when you're at a party,

and you're having an awful time,

and you dance and laugh
like you're having a lot of fun.

Do you ever do that in bed?

Dance and laugh?

No.

You mean fake it?

Shh!

Is that what you mean?
Did I ever fake it?

Yes.

Did you?

Maybe once.

Oh.

You?
Maybe once.

The only time I do it
is when I'm tired,

and I just want
to get him to stop.

Well, once in a while,

I have simply because I couldn't

and I didn't want him
to think he was bad.

Of course that made it
more difficult later on

when he continued to do

what he thought
had worked so well before.

Could I have a drink of water?

Oh, yeah.

Sure. Here.

[GIGGLING]

Oh, God.
Look what I've done.

I have no feeling in my face.

Oh, Mary, that's very funny.

Look at you.

You're crooked.

You're laughing crooked.

Don't make me laugh.

Your mouth is going downhill.

Here, I'll get us some towels.

I just love these gadgets.

Look at this.

I can see one nostril.

I like the drill
that squirts water.

I hate the drill.

I hate this place.

I'm leaving.
My teeth are fine.

Jessica...

No, he'll make me spit
in the bowl, Mary,

and I can't spit in the bowl.

It's so rude,

and the one time
I tried to spit in the bowl,

I missed it,
and I spit on his leg.

Goodbye, Mary.

Jessica, come on, now.

You have been doing this
since we were children.

It'll be okay.

Really.

I'll hold your hand.

Come on.

Okay, Mrs. Campbell,
we're ready for you.

Oh, God. No.

Oh, Mary.

I can't.

Of course you can, Mary.

Come on, it's gonna be easy.

Come on, I'll stay with you,

and I'll hold your hand,

and I'll... I'll
sing to you, Mary.

You promise?

I promise.

And that's the whole story,
Mr. Mallu.

She came back for the baby,

and I came to you
because you're the best.

I'm really up a tree.

Yup.

Well, what do you suggest?

Build a tree house.

Excuse me?

Look, I've had it
with your family.

I've never met such a bunch
of lunatics in my life.

Hey, wait a minute.

And the thing of it is,

they're all
specialized lunatics.

One guy plays with dolls.

Another guy
thinks he's invisible.

The old man is...
somewhere in the South Pacific.

Plus, I fell in love
with your Aunt Jessica.

Jessica, Jessica.

My God, how is she?

I take it
you're not gonna help me.

The Lone Ranger
couldn't help you.

Well, I'm sorry to take up
so much of your time.

How is she?

Who?

Your Aunt Jessica.

Are you gonna
take the case or not?

She's the most beautiful,
exciting woman I've ever met.

Mr. Mallu!

I can't take the case.

I don't do custody cases.

The father rarely wins.

I don't like to lose.

My father said to me once,
"Hey, Ronald," he said,

"Winning isn't everything,
but losing sucks."

Mr. Mallu, this is not about
winning or losing.

This is about
the fate of one child.

That's good stuff.

Your Honor, this case
isn't about winning or losing.

It's about the fate
of one small child.

I stuck in "small." It gives it
more impact. Good stuff.

See, I'm a good father,
and she's a lousy mother.

Doesn't matter.
She's the mother.

You'll be laughed out of court.

But that's my daughter!

You're a h*m*!

You're a coward!

What?

A lawyer is somebody
who protects and defends people.

The only thing
you're interested in protecting

is yourself.

I need a lawyer, Mr. Mallu.

Good day.

It isn't gonna be easy.

Does this mean
you change your mind?

Is there a law against that?

There are a few things
I have to know.

sh**t.

Tell me,

is her hair still as red
as the Acapulco sunset?

Who?

Forget it.

Better I don't know.

Is it?
Mr. Mallu!

No, cancel it.
Never mind.

We have to find a way
to discredit the child's mother.

That won't be easy.

Mr. Dallas, please.

I've been discrediting people
since before you were born.

All we have to do is show

that the woman
associated herself

with nefarious characters.

Who was her last employer?

You were.

Carol David?
My former assistant?

That's her.

This is a spider web
of intrigue.

Twisted plots. High drama.

We'll get the movie rights.

Alan Alda can play me.

Okay, okay.

Let's see what we've got here.

You are a, ahem,

h*m*.

And as I remember,

you once tried
to commit su1c1de.

Does anyone know that?

Carol.
Swell.

It was right before
my sex-change operation...

You used to be a woman?

No, no, no. I didn't do it.

Too bad.

Two mothers
fighting over the same child?

Talk about a movie.

Okay, okay.

Let me wade through this
and see what I come up with.

If I need any more information,
I'll get in touch.

You really think
we have a chance?

If there's a cr*ck
in the plaster,

we'll knock down the wall.

I'll be in touch.

One more thing.

Yeah?

Does she ever... talk about me?

Carol?

Jessica.
Mr. Mallu!

Forget it. Never mind.
I'll call you later.

Thanks, Mr. Mallu.
I really appreciate this.

This is the most important
thing in my life.

Wanda, call my fiancée
and cancel my marriage.

Corinne, which scarf
do you think looks the best?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, they both look bad.

Oh, Ma, you look lovely.

Oh, Corinne,

my psychiatrist
is coming to dinner,

and I look
like an organ grinder.

Hi.

Hi.

You look nice.

I do?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, here, taste the sauce
for the duck.

How is it?

Mmm, it's wonderful.

It stinks.

It's them apricots.

One apricot too many,

and the whole sauce
is down the soup.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, dear.
Oh, that's him.

That's him. Oh...

Oh, dear God, please
let everyone behave tonight.

Hi.

Hi.

Come in.

This is Corinne.

Hi.
Hi.

And this is Dutch.
Hi.

The sauce just bit the big one.

Fine.

Corinne is my daughter.

I know.

And Dutch is, uh...

our friend.

But don't get the wrong idea.

Yeah, the other night,
that didn't mean nothing.

He's right.

Yeah, that wasn't
just wanton sex.

Excuse me.

I gotta go baste my duck.

Do you feel that
they're being foolish?

Jessica, I don't have
the faintest idea

what they're talking about.

Thank you for your discretion.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

Excuse me.

I'm the maitre d'
of the Tokyo Gardens.

Is Mrs. Tate in?

Why, yes.

Mr. Teshamado,
please come in.

Come in.

What a surprise to see you.

Mrs. Tate,
I hate to be a bother,

but I'm afraid he's at it again.

Oh, dear.

This time,
he took them all at once.

The dishes are piling up.

The place is in total chaos.

Oh, I am so sorry,
Mr. Teshamado.

Oh, Daddy!
Mr. Teshamado is here.

[MUTTERING]

Well, general,
I've got to hand it to you.

They didn't tell me a thing.

I shall expect a release

of the same number
of my officers by .

Carry on.

My father.

I guessed.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, dear.

Sayonara and tempura.

Burt...

Hey, Jess, what do you think?

Huh?
I knew you'd love it.

It's like this. I got
a whole assortment here.

What do you see?

Hold the presses.
Take your pick.

Take a gamble,
vote for Campbell. Huh?

Wait a minute,
this is even better.

I got more here.
Look at this one.

Graft is dirty, vote for Burty.

Huh? What do you think?

Hi, stranger.

My name is Burt Campbell.
I'd never lie to you.

I know I can count on your vote.

That's it. Wait a minute.

This is my most
favorite one of all.

This is the one.

Vote for Burt.

Doesn't rhyme, but I think
it sort of says it all.

I think the outfit
sort of says it all.

Oh, I like you, stranger.

Here, be my guest.

Corinne, here.

Jess. I'm on the trail.

Leslie.

Leslie?

Leslie.
Leslie, the teacher.

Magna Carta. Louisiana Purchase.
How you doing?

Fine.

Oh, here.

Here's something
for your bumpers.

Excuse me, I gotta go.

My brother-in-law.

Is Billy home?

No, dear, I'm afraid he isn't.

[CRYING] Oh.

It's Billy's teacher.

She's a little upset
because he's not home.

She must get hysterical
when he's late for class.

He's left me.
I just know it.

Uh...

Oh, Leslie, why don't you
just go upstairs

and freshen up, dear,

and then you can join us
later for dinner.

Oh, thank you.

Jessica, is it always like this?

Always like what?

I think I should set up
an office here.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Daddy...

I'm back, Jess.

Oh, God. I'm back.

Chester...

Before you say a word, Jess,

I would like you to know
I've strayed,

but I am back, Jess.

I left her.

I had to leave her.

Broke her heart.

She pleaded with me,
offered me money, new clothes,

but I pushed her aside, Jess.

In short, I'm home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Chester, this is Alan Posner.

Dr. Alan Posner.

Ah...

He's my date.

But I live here.

Not anymore.

Does he?
Not yet.

Chester, I told you
never to come here again.

But I'm all right now, Jess.

Really, you know the problem
that I had with... cheating.

Well, I went to a clinic,

and they told me it was
a simple allergic reaction.

Bull.
Bull?

Bull, and this man, Chester,
is a psychiatrist.

Now, I want you to leave.

You don't belong here anymore.

Very well, Jess.
I'll go... if you wish.

I'm going to get you back, Jess.

I love you,
and I'm going to win you back.

Hope you like
a good fight, my man,

because I'm going to fight,
and I am going to win.

Oh, Jess!
Please take me back!

Chester, get up.
Get up.

All right.

All right, I'll leave,
but I shall return.

I shall return.

MAJOR:
Is MacArthur here?

Dinner is served.

You must think we're crazy.

Oh, don't be silly.

You mean you don't think
we're crazy?

No. Eccentric maybe,
but crazy, no.

Jessica, if there is anyone
crazy in this house, it's me.

You?

I've only known you for
a short amount of time, Jessica,

and I think
I'm in love with you.

Now, that's really crazy.

I have been enamored of you
for quite some time.

But out of respect,
I've admired you from afar.

Oh...

But what you've done
with our boys, wonderful.

Can you believe this?

Dinner with Eleanor Roosevelt.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: What are the chances
of Mary having an alien baby?

Would she be able
to find clothes in its size?

Are Billy and Leslie
really through?

How will this affect his grades?

Will Chester win Jessica back
from the psychiatrist?

Now that Mallu is back
handling Jodie's case,

will he be back
to handle Jessica as well?

Will Burt be sheriff?

If Burt is sheriff,
will Danny be deputy?

If Burt is sheriff
and Danny is deputy,

will Mary be mad?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]