03x19 - Episode 19

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie
she wants the baby.

She's going to court,
and she don't mean maybe.

Billy doesn't know what to do.

He'd like to tell Leslie
that they are through.

Danny and Polly
have moved in together,

determined there's nothing
they cannot weather.

Mary's not happy.
Life is no fun,

because Burt for sheriff
is going to run,

but Jessica's fine
and in the pink,

now that Chester's gone
and she's dating her shrink.

Confused?
You're at the end of your rope?

You won't be,
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

[♪]

So the drunk says,

"Madam, I was speaking
to the duck."

[ALL LAUGH]

[GIGGLING]

More coffee, Burt?

No. No. No, thanks.

How do you like it, Ma?

Oh, light, no sugar.

No, I mean the house.

Oh.

It's lovely.

We were so lucky to find it.

An adorable Cape Cod house
on a pretty block.

So quiet and peaceful.

Yeah, you meet any
of your neighbors yet?

[CRASHING GLASS]

A few.

They seem very nice.

Fine.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[SPUTTERING]

Oh yeah?

Was that for you?

I hope not.

I smell something burning.

Oh, it's the pie!

I forgot to turn off the oven.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I won't be a second.

Will you excuse me, please?

More coffee, Mary?

Oh, yes, thank you.

It's nothing.

So... uh...
let me ask you.

Have you decided what to do
with the spare room yet?

Oh, yes, well, see, Danny and I
are sort of at a stalemate.

He wants a pool table,
and I want a family room,

you know, so that the neighbors
can come over and chat,

play bridge.

[CRASHING GLASS]

I'd go for the pool table.

[SIGHS]

Well, it wasn't the pie.

What was it?

The spare room.

Oh...

Well, we couldn't decide
what to do with it anyway.

Listen, we have cantaloupe,

and we have pie for dessert.

Who wants some?

Uh-uh.

Kids... Come home.

Ma...

There's room enough
for both of you. Really.

We can fix up Grandma's
old room in the attic.

Come home.

This is our home.

This is crazy.

Mary, see, if we move out,
then they win,

and if they win,
then nothing changes.

Ma, we have to stay.

We can't change anything
by running away.

So we can't let them
chase us out.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

We'll handle this.
Stay back. Polly?

What?

Get the door.

All right, what
the hell do you want?

Hi, I'm Mr. Pfeiffer.
This is my wife, Helen.

Yeah?

Well, we just wanted you to know
that not everyone is like that.

Not in this state,

and certainly
not on this street.

The block committee
just wanted us

to welcome you
to the neighborhood,

and not to judge us by the-
the acts of a few hoodlums.

This is for you, Mrs....

Oh, we're not...

Dallas.

Polly and Danny.

Thank you very much.
Will you come in?

Oh, no, thank you.

We should go back

and put out the fire
in our living room.

Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck.

Good night.

Thanks.

No, here.

It's fine.

Actually, it's great.

Oh, Billy, I feel terrible.

This place is so expensive.

Oh, hey, it's nothing.

How can you afford it?

I saved a little here,
a little there,

sold some clothing.

Well, now I know

why we haven't been
out together for so long.

You do?

You've been saving up
for tonight.

Yeah.

Look, I have something
to tell you,

and I wanted everything
to be nice.

Well, I have something
to tell you too.

You do?

Mm-hm.
I told my parents about us.

What did you tell them?

That we were seeing each other.

Oh.

And that I love you,
and that you loved me,

and that our age difference
didn't matter,

because I've never been
so happy in my life.

Now, what did you want
to tell me?

We...

I...

Waiter...

There's a very cheesy odor
coming from this veal.

Ah, so there is.

What is it?

Cheese.

Very good.
Now, get away, we're eating.

So, what did you want
to tell me?

I can't say it.

Billy, if you have
something to say,

you just have to come
right out with it.

It's the grown-up thing to do.

I'll understand.

You're right. Thanks.

Now, what is it?

We can't see each other anymore.

Leslie?

Leslie? Leslie!

Could you bring her
a fork, please?

She seems to be having a little
trouble with her fettuccini,

and bring some more sauce.

Leslie, Leslie...

Oh, I must have passed out.

Leslie, try and understand.

Aah!

[SOBBING]

Leslie. Leslie...

She lost a contact.

Leslie...

Leslie, you're getting yourself
all messed up.

Messed up?

I'm getting messed up?

Do I care if I'm
getting messed up?

Les...

This is how much I care
if I'm messed up.

Leslie, it's not
the end of the world.

Oh, not for you.

For you,
it's just the beginning.

Excuse me, sir,
are you finished with this?

You're not taking this
very well.

Well, it doesn't matter
how I'm taking this,

and it doesn't matter
how I look,

because when I get home tonight,
I'm gonna k*ll myself.

Leslie, I'm sorry.

Madam, I'm afraid that I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.

Very well.

I understand.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Billy.
It's been great.

BOB:
♪ Lullaby and good night ♪

♪ May your dreams be bright ♪

♪ Good night, Wendy-girl ♪

♪ Da-da Da-da-da Da Da ♪

Aw, Chuck, I can't stand it.

I just can't stand it.

I know, Bob.

I mean, I love Wendy
more than anything,

and if they take her
away from us,

I...I...

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

[SOBBING LOUDLY]

Easy, Bob, easy.

Oh, God.

Look at that little face.

Oh, I feel so bad.

I've been so busy, living,
dying, running for sheriff,

I've hardly even
got to know her.

Oh, Burt, listen,
don't let them take Wendy.

I mean, I'll just die
if we lose her.

That's the way it is
with babies.

No matter what you do,
you lose them anyway.

They grow up.

Mr. Philosophy.

Look, look.
Look at her. Look.

She's got her foot
in her mouth. I love it.

Oh, Burt...

he can't lose her.
He just can't.

I don't know what I'll
do if he loses her.

Hey, Burt, cheer Mary up.

Give her the old
"You lose them anyway" story.

You should see the way
she smiles at me

in the morning
when I come in here.

Or the way she pokes
her finger in my eye

and says, "Ut ut."
I love that.

Or the way she...
Or the way she...

Or... Or the way...

[SOBBING]

Well, this is good.

Just the strength
and support I'd hoped for.

What? No, no, no. What?
We're fine. We're fine.

Bob told us a real sad story

about what Charlie McCarthy's
doing these days.

I guess you'd like us
to leave, huh?

Well, Ma, it's a little
hard for her to sleep

with four people
sobbing into her crib.

Good night, Wendy, darling.

Sleep well.

Wendy...

Bla-la-la...

Grandpa.

Night, Wendy.

Good night,
little... Wendy...

Wendy, Wendy!

[MOBILE PLAYS LULLABY]

[SIGHS]

I'm not gonna let you go.

No way.

You know,
I've never broken a law.

This time, forget it.

If they take you from me,
they might as well take my life.

I love you, little girl.

I'm not gonna let you go.

Now, this is the first
meal he's serving,

and I want everybody to be
on their best behavior.

He has worked
in some of the finest houses,

and he's used to good manners.

Good morning, Saunders.

Good morning, madam.

I believe you have
met my family.

Well, part of my family.

Well, actually, what's left
of part of my family.

Yes, madam.

Good morning.

ALL: Good morning.

Ooh, my, how pretty.

Green eggs.

Is this St. Patrick's Day?

Madam, these are
eggs Florentine.

Ooh, and they're lovely.

I have a dress that color.

What's the green stuff?

Spinach.

Pass.

I'll take his portion.

Hey, these are kind of
gooey, pal.

Let me give you a little tip.

If you give the pan
a couple of quick sh*ts,

it'll get the goo cooked.

Oh, no, thank you.

It's nothing personal,
but I just never eat eggs.

You know, I'm always afraid
of getting the slimy part.

You know, the colorless
slimy part

that you don't know you've got
until it's in your mouth...

This is absolutely incredible.

I know, they are such
picky eaters.

I've never seen
anything like it in my life.

Just look at him.

He's revolting.

Jess!

Jess, I can't stand it.

I'm losing my mind.

I can't live without you.

I can't go on, Jess.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, Jess, take me back,
I beg of you, please.

Take me back.

Hi, kids.

Get up. You are making
a fool of yourself.

I'm sorry.

I lost my head.

I... I'm sorry.

Benson!

Who are you?

Are you the new man in her life?

Jess, are you crazy?
You and him?

Hey, what the hell, it's ,
and I'm a liberal guy.

Let me tell you, my man.

You have got one hell
of a fight on your hands.

This time I'm gonna do it.

This time,
I'm really going to do it!

Leslie!

Cover your eyes, folks.
This isn't gonna be pretty.

Leslie, that's a spoon.

Oh!

Oh!

Hiya, Gramps.

Hiya.

I'd like some coffee, boy.

Boy?

I sincerely hope, madam,
there's a child in this room.

Daddy, this is Saunders.

Saunders, this is my father.

Hiya.

You have just introduced
a bush as your father, madam.

Who is your mother,
a palm tree on Oahu?

Good day, madam.
I am leaving.

Oh... dear.

[RUSTLING]

I think I have termites.

And they didn't mean it.

Oh, Saunders, I am so sorry.

They're really not bad.

Madam, I have worked
all over the world.

I've worked in embassies
under siege.

I once served dinner
for Idi Amin,

who would throw your family out

for their bad manners.

You did? Really?
You served Eydie?

Yes, and madam,
let me tell you...

Oh, I just love them.

Steve and Eydie...
I just love the specials.

Madam, you don't seem
to understand...

Are they really
all that happy, huh?

Saunders, what are you doing?

I'm leaving, madam.

I need work, but not this badly.

Oh, no, Saunders,
please, don't leave us.

We really need you.

Now, I know
we're a strange bunch,

an eccentric bunch,
a crazy bunch,

but we're not a bad bunch.

There isn't a one among us
who would harm a soul.

Madam, I'm not accusing
your family of being K*llers.

I'm only saying...

There is one.
I cannot tell a lie.

There is one k*ller
in the family.

There were two, one left,

so we just have one,
and he's not a real k*ller.

I mean, he's just...

Madam, I promise you,
it doesn't matter.

I cannot stay.

[SOBBING] Oh, dear.

I don't know what to do.

I was praying it would work out.

I like you so much.

Madam, please.
I cannot stand crying.

Why?

Because it always makes me
do something stupid.

I can't help it.

I just know if you'd
stay, you'd like us.

I know you would.

Madam, please?

And you have such a nice voice.

Very well, madam, I'll stay.

If you promise to stop crying,
I'll stay.

Oh, really?

Well, for a day, maybe.

I don't know.
We'll see.

Yes, good.

You!

Steward, spray me.

I'm crawling with caterpillars.

Maybe for an hour.

Well, that's that.

Oh, my goodness.

I haven't decorated so much
since my Sweet party.

How about you, Saunders?

I've never been either sweet
or , Mrs. Tate.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, Sandy.

"Sandy"?

Them Swedish meatballs is burnt.

The meatballs?
My meatballs?

I just threw a little
cold water in the oven

to cool them down.

I guess that wasn't
such a good idea.

I'll go glaze your goose.

Mrs. Tate...

Yes.

Is there something
the matter, Saunders?

Madam, if you don't remove him
from the kitchen immediately,

I'll be forced
to call someone in

and have him put to sleep.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll have a little chat
with him.

Thank you.

Do you have group rates, doctor?

Hi there!

Who was that, Saunders?

Oh, no one at all.
Just a fellow with a doll.

Probably a street entertainer.

Oh, no, that's my cousin.

Which one?

Very nice.
Very, very nice.

That was Saunders,
and he didn't know.

Well, give me
a Scotch neat, then.

Make it a double, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Corinne.

Hi, Danny.

This is Polly Dawson.
Corinne Tate.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.
Nice to meet you.

This is
Dr. Posner.

Hello.
Hello.

Hi, doc.

Somebody sick?

No, Dr. Posner
is a psychiatrist.

No kidding?

Doc, you're just the guy
I wanted to see.

A lot of people tell me that.

I, uh... I'm having trouble
remembering things

with the letter in them.

Is that weird?

is not a letter.

See, way back there,
I knew that.

Thanks a lot.

Can I give you
a couple of bucks?

No, no, no, no.

Your breakthrough
is payment enough.

What a guy.

I was only trying
to help the guy out.

I know, Dutch, I know,

but, you see, Saunders has
his own way of doing things,

so you can just
relax now, Dutch,

and be a member of the family.

Okay.

I wish I had that offer.

Okay, pal.
Kitchen's all yours.

Carry on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

I know I should just
keep walking. I know it.

"Calm down."
"Calm down."

What do you mean, "Calm down"?

Do you realize what I just did?

We're the Campbells.

I'm not a bit surprised.

Do you realize?

Do you have any idea?

Burt, those voting booths
are a little tricky.

Tricky?

I voted for the other guy.

Uh-huh.

I actually pulled down
the wrong lever

and voted for my opponent.

Tricky...

Hi there.

Burt Campbell knows no color,
and thanks for your support.

I didn't vote.

You didn't vote?
You didn't vote?

There's time.
We got my car, we'll go.

No, no, no.
I'm not registered.

I've only just moved here.

Oh, well, in that case,
I'll have a vodka. Phew!

Make it a double.

Make it a triple.

Make it no ice,
and thank you very much,

and that'll be all,

and I want to thank you again
for your support.

Uncle Burt, I'm so excited.

Election eve.

There you are,
Mr. Campbell.

Oh, thanks.

Would you care for another?

What am I, crazy?

Is that a rhetorical
question, sir?

I can't drink.

Burt.

What is the matter with you?

Mary, what if I get arrested

for drunk driving

on the night I get elected?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Here. Excuse me.

Oh, Jess, I can't stand it.

Please, please!

Chester, I told you
never to come near me

or this house anymore!

I just want you to know, sir,

we are all honored
by your presence.

True.

The world will never forget

how you showed up h*tler
at the Olympics.

Good bless you, Jesse Owens!

Miss Dawson,

are you considering
joining this family?

Yes, I've thought about it.

Why?

Because I love Danny.

Well, I love artichokes,
but I don't wish to become one.

Okay, everybody.
It's time.

It's time.
Come on, it's time.

Gather around
the television set.

Hurry.

[KNOCKING]

Danny, could you leave it open
so I can at least hear?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Quiet, everybody.

REPORTER:
First results are coming in.

One precinct has reported,

and while it's still
too early to tell,

Sheriff Prentice
is ahead of Bart Campbell.

"Bart"? "Bart"? What "Bart"?

Where's the phone?

Quiet.

The tally so far
is Prentice, , Campbell, .

That's very close.
One vote!

Yeah, one vote. I'm gonna
lose by one vote.

My own vote.
This is...

Jessica, take it easy.
It's early yet.

Ma!

Mrs. Tate?

Must've been the excitement.

She fainted.
Get an ambulance.

She just fainted.

POSNER: She
didn't just faint.

What is it?

Oh, for God's sake.
Get an ambulance. Now.

ANNOUNCER:
Will Burt become sheriff?

Now that the Tates
have a new butler,

will their manners improve?

Will Danny and Polly continue
to live where they're living?

Will homeowner's insurance
be a problem?

Now that Billy has told her
their relationship is over,

will Leslie really k*ll herself,

or will she just have
huge laundry bills?

Will Jodie lose Wendy?

What has happened to Jessica?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]