03x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: In the last episode
of Soap, Jessica told Chester

she'd like him to move back home

while she's
in the hospital sick.

Burt was elected sheriff,

which was sickening news
for Sheriff Prentiss,

who did a very sick thing

and said he won't
give up his office

and won't be taken alive,

which means
Burt has to take him,

and that news made Mary
pretty sick.

In the custody battle,

Carol did a sickening thing
by lying on the stand,

and the judge made it
pretty clear

that Mallu's tactics
make her sick,

and both those things

make Jodie's case
look kind of sick,

which certainly
makes Jodie sick,

and Jessica's doctor
told Chester

that Jessica is a sick woman.

We don't know exactly how sick,
but we do know very sick.

Sick? You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

This is story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

[♪]

[ARGUING]

[SIGHS]

[KEYS JINGLING]

Oh, thank God. Oh!

Burt...

Jo...

Is, uh, fine.

I can really
brighten your day, can't I?

Well, I'm, uh...

It's, uh...

He, uh...

So did, uh...

I'm, uh... Coffee?

Hey... Are you okay?

Oh, su...

Ma, something's wrong.

I know your signs.

Loss of emotional control,
hysteria.

It's subtle, but I can see it.

Now, Ma, what's wrong?

Jo...

Bu...

He...

Bu...

They...

Bu...

I know. I know.
I know.

Ma, it's Wendy.

Wendy, no.

Yes, Ma, I know, but listen,

there's not much we can do.

You just have to have faith.

Look at this,

I came over here all depressed

hoping to get one of your
famous pep talks,

and I end up
giving one to myself.

I know it doesn't look good, Ma,

but don't cry, huh?

That's not why I'm crying.

Oh, too bad, it was
a hell of a speech.

What's wrong?

It's Burt.

The election.

I'm so wrapped up in the trial
I don't even know what happened.

He lost, huh?

He won.

He won.
Well, that's great.

Oh, yeah, great.

Sheriff Prentiss
won't give up the office.

He's sworn
he won't be taken alive.

What a bad loser.

Burt and Danny
went to get him out.

What are they, crazy?
Are they out of their minds?

Where are you going?
I'm gonna go help them.

What are you, crazy?
You out of your mind?

Ma!

Success!

Oh, Burt! Burt!

Oh, Danny.

All right, Mare.
Mare, come on,

it was nothing.
I told you not...

I told you there was
nothing to worry about,

right? Told you.

You weren't worried, were you?

Well, I was a little worried.

How could you do this to me?

Mary...

Mary, what is this?
Now, stop.

You should've seen him, Jodie.

He was beautiful.

What is the matter with you?

Mary, what are you doing?

All right, this is...

What is...? What...?
Why are you hitting?

Why am I hitting?

I am hitting
because I have a child in here

who would like to see you alive,
Burt Campbell.

Mare. Now,
Mare, please.

All right, listen to me.

Just listen to me, all right?

Now, like it or not,
that's my job.

I am a sheriff.

You happen to be married
to a sheriff.

Now, whatever I have to do
to do my job, I'll do,

and whatever you have to do

to keep from going crazy
while I do my job,

that you've gotta do.

Now, Mare, I know you're
scared and frightened,

and I don't want to hear
any more about that.

I used to walk around
all day long on a girder.

That never bothered you.

I used to walk all day
underneath girders,

with guys dropping hot bolts
from stories up.

That never bothered you.
Forty stories, Mary.

That goes right through
the hard hat,

pfft,

winds up in your shorts.

Are you crazy?

Are you out of your mind?

Listen, Bob, don't holler at me.

You are the one that blew it.

Oh, I blew it?
You blew it.

I didn't blow it.

Yeah, you blew it.

They seem to be at a standoff

as to who blew it.

Right in the middle
of an audition,

Bob starts telling
the filthiest joke

I have ever heard in my life.

This lady walks into a bar
with Ed Sullivan and a duck.

Not now, please.

Please, guys.
Later, please.

Hey, Burt. Hey, I'm glad
to see you're alive.

Thank you.

Oh, Jodie, I am so upset.

Don't worry, there'll
be other auditions.

Not about that, you dummy.

It about our little...

Well, it's about our little...

[SOBBING] Wendy, Wendy, Wendy...

Bob. Bob, come on.

If we lose her, I don't know...

I don't know what
I'm going to do.

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!

[SOBBING]

[BLOWING NOSE]

Come on, Bob.

I'll take you upstairs.

I'll get you a tranquilizer.

Oh, Wendy...

Poor guy, he's beside himself.

You just talked him out of it?

Who?

Oh, Prentiss! Yeah,
Sheriff Prentiss.

Mare, it was incredible.

It was unbelievable.

I mean, I knew.

I knew we were
gonna be okay, so...

It's true, Ma.
It's true.

He kept saying over and over,

"It's fine.
We're gonna be fine,"

and we were.

It was like he had this
mystical, magical power

or something.

So, I mean, I knew.

I knew that he wouldn't
sh**t me, so...

So he walks in,

he pours himself
a cup of coffee,

he sits down.

So I said...
I'll never forget what you said to him.

I said...

"Sooner or later you're gonna
have to come out of there.

And why hurt other people
in the process?"

And that was the end of it.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, I thought I told it
pretty well.

Yes, really,
really terrific there.

Thanks, Burt.

I'm so glad you're back.

I'll get you something to eat.

Hey...

Hey, what?

Hey, you.

I love you.

I love you too...

big jerk.

Well, I'm gonna go wash up.

Boy, I love that!

"I'm gonna go wash up."

Day is done,
Sheriff Burt got his man,

and now he's gonna wash up.

I love that.

Danny?

Yeah, Burt.

Shut up.

Okay, Burt.

Huh?

[WHISPERS] I love that.

Ma, I gotta go.

Jodie, please don't go.

Uh... I need
to talk to you.

It's... the baby.

Ma, I'm doing
everything I can do.

I can't do any more than that.

Oh, I know, Jodie.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm not talking about your baby.

I'm talking about my baby.

What's wrong?

[WHISPERING]
It may not be Burt's.

Ma! I can't...

Jodie, I didn't do anything,
I swear.

[WHISPERING] It was his double.

I slept with his double.

I didn't know it was his double.

I thought it was him.

But they looked
exactly alike, right?

That's mainly why I didn't know.

But when the baby is born,

and it looks like it came
from both of you,

what's the difference?

What's the problem?

Because, if it's an alien...

[WHISPERING]
If it's an alien baby,

there is a great possibility
he'll be silver and very short.

Burt's actually fairly tall.

Well, I'm having a baby.

I suppose I should
count my blessings.

Sure, Ma.

I mean, it's not like
the alien father

is going to want
the baby for weekends.

You know what a schlep
that would be?

[GIGGLING]

[SOBBING]

Oh, my God!

Why her? Why Jessica?

[SOBBING]

Dutch, would you please relax.

Mom will be fine, really.

Well, I'm eating, Corinne,
but I ain't enjoying it.

It's no reflection
on you, Sandy.

This stuff is aces.

Oh, what a relief.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey, pal, if you ain't
gonna finish that,

you can pass it down here, okay?

Would you care for a shovel?

I'm home, kids.

Daddy's home.

Dutch?

What are we gonna to do,
big guy?

What are we gonna do?

What's the matter with him?

He's upset about Mother.

And I'm not, is that it?

Nobody said you weren't upset.

Saunders,
I'll have my dinner, please.

I'm awfully sorry,
but dinner is over.

Saunders, I just got here.

Yes, I see, but you were tardy.

I'm hungry.

More of an incentive
to be on time.

Can't you whip up
something, for God's sake?

Whip up?

This isn't a chuck wagon.

I prepare. I create.

I'm proud of what I serve,

but never, ever,
under any condition,

do I "whip up."

I live here.

Only temporarily.

I am your employer, Saunders.

Actually,
Mrs. Tate is my employer.

Under her specifications,

I am to serve
only family and guests.

You are neither.

Could I have a little
tiny taste of that,

if it's not too much trouble?

Welcome home, Colonel.

Major...

Sit.

We thought you were dead.

Hope springs eternal.

When did you escape
from your foxhole?

When the fox threw him out.

[LAUGHING]

All right, that's enough.

I have made mistakes

that I will have to live with
the rest of my life,

but no one on this earth
loves your mother

more than I do.

Oh, my God, I can't stand it.

Well, let's put an end
to all this squabbling.

It's petty and pointless,

and let's not forget
your mother is in the hospital,

and we have to remain strong
for her.

I know, but I don't think
I can do that!

Dutch!

We've all made mistakes
in our lives,

every one of us,

but we've gotten through them.

We're a family, for God's sake.

Let's try to act like on.

You're right, Daddy.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too, Dad.

May I say something?

Go ahead, Gramps.

I think I'm sitting
on a squirrel.

All right.

This time
I'm really gonna do it!

Leslie!

Oh, don't you "Leslie" me.

When I put these two wires
together, I'm going up.

We're all going up.

We're all gonna be blown
sky high!

Leslie, no.

Oh, stay away from me.

Everybody say your prayers.

Goodbye.

[RADIO STATIC]

SINGERS [ON RADIO]:
♪ WGGB... ♪

Leslie...

Billy, wait.

Don't worry, Daddy,
he'll be okay.

Did you see that?

Did he ask to be excused?

Is that the way a person
leaves the table?

I don't know what's got into
young people these days.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Any Cub Scout could see
it's not these wires.

It's these wires.

Major, don't!

[expl*si*n]

Is it autumn already?

All right, this is me

when I got out of reform school.

Did you have a beard?

No, I was biting the top
of the other guy's head.

See?

Oh...

This is me in the Navy.

This is me
in the Naval stockade.

You've had some life, Dutch.

Yeah. I must be
the luckiest guy in the world.

First, Eunice takes me in

and makes me a part
of the family,

and then she dumps me,
and then you take me in.

I love you, Corinne.

I love you, Dutch.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's Eunice.

Eu... Eu...

Get down.
Get down.

Hiya.

Oh, Corinne, I'm back.

I'm back.

Yes, you are. You're back.

Oh, I heard about Mother,

and I came as fast as I could.

Are you happy to see me?

Happy is not the word.

Oh, Corinne, where's Dutch?

Oh, he'll turn up eventually.

What's that?

What's what?

The lump.

What lump?

That lump there.
This lump.

Oh, you mean this lump.

What is it?

Uh, Rolf.

Who?

I have a dog, Rolf.

Speak, Rolf.

DUTCH:
Woof! Woof!

Dutch!

Woof!

Eunice, what are you doing here?

Well, I suppose I don't have
to ask what you're doing here.

Eunice, it's, uh,
not how it looks.

What?

My boyfriend is in bed
with my sister,

he's going, "Woof! Woof!"
under the sheets,

and it's not how it looks?

What was he doing under there,
hiding a bone?

No, you see...

I... I...

N-n-n...
Not now, Dutch.

Listen, Eunice,

you have a lot of nerve

coming in here being appalled.

I have a lot of nerve?

My sister steals away
my boyfriend.

Steals away?

You ran out on him!

Well, are you calling me
a hussy?

You're calling me a hussy,
aren't you, Corinne?

Go ahead and say it.

My own sister, Corinne,
calls me a hussy.

Go on, say it.

Excuse me.

Later, darling.

Okay. Okay,
you want to get ugly,

let's get ugly.

Excuse me.

You are ugly.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Shut up!

Eunice, what the hell
are you doing here?

Dutch...

I ran away
because I was so frightened.

I loved you so much
it frightened me,

and the more I loved you,
the more frightened I got,

and so, in order
not to be frightened,

I had to stop loving you,
and so I ran away, and...

Oh, Dutch, now
I'm so frightened.

I'm so frightened of losing you.

Stable girl.

Please, take me back.

I can't.

Oh, what?

What did she tell you?

You were great or something,

or that the earth
moved. What?

Eunice!

You know, she fakes it, Dutch.

She has always faked it.

I never faked it in my life.

Come on, Corinne.
You told me the story

about the president
of the audio-visual department.

Eunice, would you mind
getting out of my room, please.

And leave you alone with him?

No way.

How's he gonna make
an unbiased decision

sleeping here with you?

Well, he's certainly not
sleeping with you.

Well, so I'll sleep here too.

With both of us?
Forget it.

Well, if I gotta, I gotta.

[TSKS]

No, you sleep here, and Corinne,

you'll sleep with me in my room.

Is that okay with you, Dutch?

No, but I guess there ain't
no other solution, huh?

We'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

Good night, Dutch.

Good night, Dutch.

Good night, Eunice.
Good night, Corinne.

[WHISPERING]
I'll sneak in later.

[WHISPERING]
I'll sneak in later.

[DOOR SLAMS]

It's gonna be
a beautiful day out today.

Oh...

What I don't understand is

why everyone has to get up
at : in the morning.

I mean, you'd think
we had somewhere to go.

We serve breakfast at .

[THUD]

I don't need breakfast.

I haven't eaten breakfast
since I got here.

Well, we also give out
the medicine at .

I'm not on medication.

The doctors want you up at .

Why? They don't
get here till .

At : ,
the doctors are home sleeping.

I'm gonna go back to sleep now.

Put in a wake-up call
for me please, at : .

Hi.

Hi.

Would you excuse us, please.

What are you doing here?

I work here.

You should be home sleeping.

That's what I told
the kidney stone

that came in a few hours ago.

[CHUCKLING]

So that's how you
refer to us, huh?

The kidney stone,
the gallbladder, the spleen.

What am I?

The gorgeous redhead.

How do you feel?

Tired.
They don't let me sleep here.

How do you feel?

Tired.
They don't let me sleep either.

[LAUGHING]

You know, this is going to seem

pretty silly to you,

but I thought
I was your only patient.

It's because
you make me feel that way.

Well, you're very special.

You got something on your mind?

Well, yes, I do.

W-wait a minute. Don't...

Don't say anything.

Just give me a few more seconds
of immortality.

I think you were about
to tell me I'm going to die.

It's a new strain of virus,

and we just don't know
how to combat it yet.

How fast can you learn?

Not fast enough.

Hmm...

I feel like I'm in a movie,

and any minute, they're going
to start playing the music.

You're being very calm.

Don't worry.

When I'm alone, I'll fall apart.

You know, you can
fall apart now.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

My mascara would run.
I'd look like a raccoon.

How much time do I have?

Not much.

Till lunch?

You have a maximum
of a few weeks

or as little as a few days.

That's not enough time.

You see, there's so much
that I have to do.

There are people
that I have to apologize to

and friends to say goodbye to.

I haven't seen
Kramer vs. Kramer yet.

It's not fair.

I know.

I mean, I finally
replace Benson,

and now I'm gonna die.

I'm so sorry, Jessica.

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault.

This is never easy,

but this time,
it's especially hard.

Someone with your kindness
and grace

should be allowed
to stay forever.

Well... a while longer
would have been nice.

Listen, you'd better go now.

You've got sick people
to take care of.

Ones you can help.

I'll come back later.

Well, I'll be here.

Not going to get rid of me yet.

I'll see you later.

You're a brave lady.

ANNOUNCER:
Will Leslie ever learn to k*ll herself?

Will she k*ll herself trying?

Now that Eunice is back,
what will Dutch do?

What will Corinne do?

What will Eunice do?

Will they do it together?

Now that Chester is home,
will the family stick together?

Will Saunders stick around?

What will Jessica do
now that she knows she's dying?

Does she have a lot of choices?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]