03x22 - Episode 22

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Eunice came back,
surprising Dutch and Corinne,

and was surprised herself
when she found them together.

She wants Dutch
to take her back,

which, at that point,
was no surprise.

In the custody battle,

Carol surprised Jodie
by lying on the stand.

Leslie, despondent over Billy,
keeps surprising the Tates

by showing up
and trying to k*ll herself,

which she is surprisingly bad
at doing.

Mary still hasn't told Burt

she might surprise him
with an alien baby,

and Jessica,
who is, surprisingly enough,

still dating the psychiatrist,

really got a surprise
when the doctor told her

she has only a few weeks
to live.

Surprised?

You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

This is story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

I brought
all your favorites, Jess.

I wanted your room
to be full of springtime.

God, I'm too late.

My Jess is gone.

Oh, Jessie!

Oh, Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

[SOBBING]

Chester.

Oh, God.

Jess, you scared me to death.

I thought you were...

Well, not yet.

You almost took me with you.

I brought you flowers.

Oh, Chester.
They're lovely.

Oh, Jess, you can't die.

You just can't die!

Well, I don't want to, Chester.

I can't stand it!
I just can't stand it!

You're gonna die

before I've had a chance
to make it all up to you.

Aw, there, there, Chester.

Come, now. There's
nothing to make up.

But the way I've been.

I can't live without
your forgiveness.

I forgive you.

For what?

Well, whatever it is
you want to be forgiven for.

But you can't forgive me, Jess.

I've been too awful.

Too much.

I know.

You don't know.

I do.

Chester, I know
all about your affairs,

and I forgive you.

For some of them,

but you don't know
about all of them.

Well, it doesn't matter,
Chester.

I forgive you anyway.

No, Jess, you can't.

You can't just forgive me
without knowing.

You've got to know.

When you were in labor
with Eunice.

The maternity ward nurse.

You knew.

Of course.

For a while, we patients
were treating ourselves,

but it's all right, Chester.
I forgive you.

Well, here's one
you don't know about.

Our honeymoon.

The chambermaid.

You knew about that?

I found a pair of panties
in our suitcase

that said "Sábado."

What about the time in London?

Did you know
about the time in London?

London?

Ah, you didn't know
about that one.

The tour guide

while you were watching
the changing of the guard.

That only takes a few minutes.

So do I.

I know.

[CHUCKLING]

Wait till you hear this one.

It doesn't matter, Chester.
None of it matters.

You're not mad?

Of course not.

I refuse
to leave this world mad.

Besides, you can't have
a good time in heaven

if you're mad.

A good time?

Of course.

Chester, it's a wonderful place.
You remember Gone with the Wind?

Well, that's what it's like.

A gigantic Tara

with magnolia blossoms
and petticoats

and beautiful women
and handsome men

and horse-drawn
carriages.

Of course,
the horses are dead horses.

You see, Chester,
they were bad horses,

but there's no hell for horses,
so they work in heaven.

And the weather
is always springtime,

and there's no bad news,
and, Chester,

you can eat like an animal
and never get fat.

That sounds very nice.

It is.

Now, Chester, I don't want
to wear a lot of makeup.

When?
When I'm dead.

So tell the undertaker
to take it easy on the makeup,

you see, because I know I am not
going be in heaven two seconds

before my mother will say to me,

"Do you really think you look
nice like that, Jessica?"

Jess, your mother's dead.

I know, and she's gonna be
waiting for me

right at the door of heaven.

Chester, I think I'd like
to wear my light green gown.

Now, I know I look best
in white lace,

but I think it's kind of crazy
to wear white

when you're going to have
to wear it forever,

and, see, I don't know

if there's a dry cleaner's
in heaven,

and I really want to look nice
when the gentlemen come to call.

Gentlemen?

Mm-hm.
Jess, aren't you going to wait?

For what?
For me.

Chester,
you might never get there.

I'll miss you, Jess.

You'll be with me all the time,

in all my thoughts,

every day for as long as I live.

The children
are going to be okay.

They'll be fine.

Because, now, Chester,

if I look down
and Billy is not eating,

I will not be able to yell down.

Don't worry.

They'll all be fine.

They're fine now,

and they're fine now
because of you.

You'll be fine too, Chester.

Yes, you will.

Oh, Jess.

I love you so.

I love you too, Chester.

You'll always be with me,
Jessica.

I'm glad.

Then I won't have d*ed at all.

However, Mr. Dallas
did appear at the church

to marry you
that very next morning,

and you didn't show up.
Why?

Mr. Dallas informed me
that this marriage would be

merely a marriage
of convenience,

and not to expect him
to carry out the duties

usually designated
to a husband and father.

I wouldn't have shown up either.

I never said that.

You see, You Honor,
when I get married,

it's going to be
for the right reasons,

so my daughter
can look around her

and see a home
filled with love and honesty,

giving and sharing.

A happy home

with Daddy coming
from work every night,

and Wendy running into his arms

as he lifts her up, and he says,

"There's my little girl.
There's my little Wendy."

That's when I'll get married,
Your Honor, and not before.

Thank you.

[SNIFFLING]

Mallu, are you quite through?

That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.

It's a fairy tale.
It's not real.

Neither is Bambi.

Doesn't matter.
It's moving, isn't it?

Remember the bunny?

Would you stop it?

Okay, okay, okay.

No more questions.

Watch this, kid.
You'll learn something.

Miss David, I admire your
integrity and good sense.

That movie you made
in the parking lot

back of Felder's Drug Store,

all those men, were they firemen
or were they police officers?

What?

They were out of
their uniforms so fast

I hardly had time to notice.

I never...

Just yes or no, Miss David,
were they cops?

I don't know what you're...

Firemen.
Were they firemen?

Yes or no, Miss David.

Were they firemen?
Yes or no.

No!
Just as I thought. Cops.

I object.

Strike that from the record.

Miss David,
just a few more questions.

The court knows

that you used
to be employed by me.

Do you recall any time

speaking to me
about having children?

No, I don't believe so.

Fact is, you're not too crazy
about children,

are you, Miss David?

Of course I am.

Do you remember
an adorable little boy,

one Hector Ramirez,
you hurled obscenities at

while walking with me
through Central Park one day?

He was mugging me.

You did, in fact,
try to strike him

about the head, back
and tush, isn't that right?

I tried to hold on to my purse.

And now you want the custody
of your own child,

so you can bend and twist her

till she has nothing to do
but grow up like you.

You make me sick.
Get off the stand.

Mr. Mallu!

No more questions.

Oh, Miss David.

Yes.

I thought you were
the best thing in the movie.

I never did that movie.
I never did it!

Miss David...

Miss David,
you may step down, please.

You too, Mallu.

Impressed?

That was horrible.

Thank you, Dallas.
That means a lot to me.

I can't believe it.
Is this what it all comes to?

I don't know.

I may have to get ugly.

I call Earlene David
to the stand.

What do you think?

I think we're in good shape now.

She's a good person.
She's decent and she's honest.

Raise your right hand, please.

Swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,
so help you, God.

I do.

The whole truth, yes, I do.

May God strike me dead.

Yes, uh-huh.

Be seated.

Mrs. David, you are
the infant's grandmother,

are you not?

Yes, I am.

Now, on the night in question,

you brought your granddaughter

to see her father,
Mr. Dallas,

at his apartment.

Would you tell the court
what happened?

I will tell you
exactly what happened.

I went to Jodie's apartment,

and there was this woman there
with some man,

and she said

that if I didn't get out
of there in seconds,

they were going to b*at
the living hell out of me.

And if I ever tried
to come back and get Wendy,

they were going to k*ll me.

Your Honor, I object.

Overruled.

Okay.

Mrs. David, would you
tell the court, please,

who was
the aforementioned woman?

The woman
in Mr. Dallas' apartment

with that g*ng of h*m*
was Jodie Dallas.

That's it.

Dallas, what are you doing?

What do these notes mean

that we've been taking, huh?

What good are these law books,

for God's sake?

Nobody tells the truth
around here.

I mean, am I going mad, or what?

Restrain him.
Restrain him, please.

Why don't you
just tar and feather me?

Mr. Dallas,
one more word out of you,

and I am gonna hold you
in contempt.

Only one more word?

I have plenty of more words,
Your Honor.

How about mockery, huh?

And disgrace, huh?

Because I have been hearing
these words

ever since this travesty began.

You're k*lling me here.

You're ruining my life.

The court will reconvene
at a.m. tomorrow.

[GIGGLING]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, yeah, Mare, the laughing.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, Mare.

I had a nightmare.

This was a nightmare?

Yeah, well, I'm happy.

A happy person
has happy nightmares.

I guess you had to be there.

You know what it is, Mare?

You know what it is?

It's because I am so happy.

I'm glad you're happy, Burt.

And, Mare,
I want you to be happy.

That's what I want.

For the rest of my life,
I wanna make you happy.

Come on, what can I do
to make you happy?

Sleep.
[SNORES]

[LAUGHS]

Burt...

Come on, Mare.

I can't.
I can't sleep.

Well, I guess you could stay up

for a little while.

You know what it is, Mare?

It's I got everything I want.

I don't want anything anymore.

I got it all right here.

I'm a sheriff.

I'm serving people.

I'm helping my fellow man.

I've got wonderful kids

and a beautiful, wonderful wife,

and now a baby, Mare.

Gonna have a baby.

I wonder what color hair
it's gonna have.

I've often wondered that myself.

You, Mare, you got blonde.

I got blond.

Burt, you know, I read somewhere

when two blond people
make a baby,

a silverish hue...

Never mind.

[LAUGHS]

Let's go to sleep.

Okay.
Oh, I love you.

Oh, Burt.

What?

I have to tell you something.

Well, go on, sh**t.

When you were...

Oh, God.

Oh, I know, I know, I know.

You think that I want
a little baby boy, right?

Take him to ball games,

teach him about... you know.

I would love a girl, Mare.

A girl would be great.

I already thought
of a name for her.

How about this in your head?

Roll it around.

Mary Jr.

You like it?

No.

I mean, that's not it.

Burt, I'd like to have
a little girl too.

Actually, Mare,
I don't really care what it is.

That's good...

because there's a good chance...

As long as I had it with you.

Oh, Mare, I love you,
and thank you.

Thank you for making me

the happiest man
in the whole world.

Good night.

Good night!

Good night.

Hiya, Dutch.

I hope this is not a dream.

Thank you.

Wh-wha... Ooh.

I don't know
how you did that, Corinne,

but don't ever stop.

It's not Corinne.

Whatever.

Eunice?

[SCREAMS]

Corinne, what are you
doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

Well, what do you think
I'm doing here?

Well, do it somewhere else.

That was just
so sneaky, Corinne.

Sneaky? You ran out on him.

It is : in the morning.

You want to nitpick?

Two-timer.

Man-stealer.

Hey. Hey, hey.

Come on. Come on, now.

Hey, what's going on here?

Come on.

Okay, break. Break.

Dutch, this is ridiculous.

You have to make a choice.

We can't keep doing this.

Well, we could try it
for a while.

Dutch, I agree with Corinne.

This is just stupid.

Now, you have to choose.

Corinne.

Dutch?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

How can you just say Corinne?

Eunice.

Settled.

Okay, darling,
night-night.

Dutch!
Oh, come on, you guys.

You come in here

in the middle of the night,

you tell me I gotta choose.

That ain't right.
I got no control of my life.

Well, like it or not, Dutch,
you are in the middle,

and like it or not,
you have to choose,

because if you don't,

we're just gonna have
to keep doing this.

Fine, I'll let you know
next week.

Dutch.

Okay, okay, I know I gotta,

but it isn't easy.

I mean,

as much as I'm mad at you,
Eunice...

I still love you,

and as much as I love her,
that's how much I love you,

so I know I gotta do
the only thing I can.

I gotta make a decision,
firm and final,

and whoever I choose,

the other one
has gotta understand.

I agree.

Go ahead, Dutch.

Make your choice.

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

One of you has got to go.

Who it is, I do not know,

and this hurts worse
than a broken toe.

Once there was a guy named Joe.

He fell in love
with Ruth and Flo.

He chose Ruth,

said, "Flo, go blow,"

and this is going very slow.

Looty, tooty,
hoop-dee-hee.

I love yous, and yous love me.

We can't stay here,
all us three,

so one of you has got to leave.

Riva, riva, fee-fo-fum.

One of you will be mighty glum

when I choose the other one,

but then I'll feel
like a dirty old bum.

Who's that sloshing
through the snow?

It's the postman.

He will know

who should stay
and who should go.

Hefty, pefty,
rick-rack-rock,

one of you, one of you
should take a walk.

Now, look, Dallas,

I can't blame you

for what you did yesterday.

I guess I really blew it, huh?

Blew? What
about tornadoed?

Actually, I was thinking
about this

as they were leading you out.

The expression
on the judge's face.

She was obviously moved
by your passion and fervor.

You think we still have
a chance?

No.

You can't ignore the facts,
Dallas.

The judge is a woman.

Carol is a woman.

You are not a woman,
try as you may.

I call Jodie Dallas
to the stand.

Here goes.

Might as well know,
he's gonna be rough on you.

Don't worry, Mallu.

By this time,
I think I'm immune.

Mr. Dallas, let me remind you,
you're still under oath.

Are you the same Jodie Dallas

who lived with Dennis Phillips,
the quarterback?

Just how many different men

have you lived with,
Mr. Dallas?

Answer the question, please.

It's none of your business.

It is the business
of this court, Mr. Dallas,

to ascertain
whether your home environment

is conducive to raising a child.

It seems to me as if a decision
has already been reached

regarding my environment.

Mr. Dallas, this court
is not about to draw conclusions

until all facts are presented.

Let me add,
you're not helping your case any

by not answering
these questions.

Please proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Dallas,
what do you do?

I direct commercials.

I mean with a man.

Oh, please.

Exactly what
are the mechanics involved?

That's an insulting question.

Did you ever frequent a bar

known as Barney's?

Was that you?

Mr. Dallas, I don't have
to remind you

that not answering
the questions...

Is contempt. Fine.

Because I'm not about
to be humiliated

and my lifestyle
desecrated any more

by these examinations.

Now, I'm not gonna
lose my temper.

I refuse to lose
my self-respect,

so if you want to hold me
in contempt,

that's fine.

I've proven...
at least to myself,

what kind of father I am.

I've never exposed Wendy

to anything that was harmful

or unfavorable to her health,

either mentally or physically,

and whether Wendy
lives with me or not,

at least she'll know
that I've always wanted her,

and that I'll always
be there for her,

and that's something
no one can ever take away.

If you'll all excuse me,
I'm going home.

Your Honor, I ask you to realize

the strain that my client
has been under,

and not hold him in contempt.

Mr. Mallu, I make my decisions
based on facts,

not personal emotion,

and may I say
your client presented his case

more honestly and directly
than you ever have.

We'll reconvene
at : tomorrow morning,

at which time
I will render my decision.

Court's adjourned.

I'm fine, thanks.

I'll have coffee, black...

with cream and sugar.

Light. No cream.

Ah, no thanks, nothing for me.

You seem a little on edge.

Not really.

It's just that I'm edgy.

I noticed that.

When I ate my tie?

It could happen to anybody.

Something is on your mind.

When you lean over,
your tie goes in your soup,

the next thing you know,
it's gone.

What is it?

It's...

Polly, this isn't working out.

Oh... so we're through,

is that what you're trying
to tell me?

No, no, no.

What are you looking at?

Danny.

He was staring.

The man was staring at us.

I don't believe it.

They're staring.

What's the matter, sport?

You never seen
an interracial couple

share a spinach salad
before, huh?

He wasn't staring.

He was staring
ever since I ate the tie.

Some people just have
nothing better to do.

Danny, what's wrong?

I just can't live
like this anymore.

Oh.

I mean, people either
belong together

or they don't.

Yes, I agree.

If they belong together,

they know it...

Yes, they do.

And if they don't,

they shouldn't keep
pretending that they do.

Right.

Okay, Charlie.

What's your problem?

What, you wanna watch?

Why don't you come on over
and sit with us.

That way you won't have
to squint, pear-head.

I wish I could.

Well, then, why don't you?

I'm blind.

Oh, my God.

Believe me, if I could stare,

I'd stare.
What the hell?

It'd be worth
a cr*ck in the jaw.

I'm sorry.

[LOUDLY]
I'm leaving the table now.

What are you yelling?

I'm not deaf.

Look...

what I'm trying to say is...

I know what you're
trying to say, Danny.

This relationship
isn't working out,

[SOBBING]
and you want to split up.

Oh, no.

No, Polly, no, that's...

What are you looking at?

You too...

and you.

All of you.

What the hell
are you staring at?

Now, damn it,

I know that most of you
are probably not blind.

Come on, give me a break,
will you?

I mean, a guy's gonna
spill the beans,

he brings his girl
to a restaurant,

he looks tenderly into her eye,

he tells her
he wants a commitment.

Then he reaches into his pocket,
he pulls out a little box.

He opens the little box,
he takes out a ring,

he says, "I love you.
Will you marry me?"

She says "yes," hopefully,

and everything is fine, right?

No, you people blew it!

And just for that,

I'm gonna wait till I get home

to tell her.

What do you think of that?

You mean you actually
want to marry me?

We'll discuss it later.

Oh, Danny.

Is that a yes?

I don't know.

Well, find out,

because if that's
an I-don't-know,

I would love to see a yes.

I'd love to see anything.

This is a really
big step, Danny.

I know.

You don't think you can handle
all that's involved here,

do you?

No, I'm just not sure
that you can.

So, what do we do?

I don't know.

I have to think.

I just don't know.

So long.

See you.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Oh, my God.
I can't stand it.

Excuse me, please.

I'm trying to explain...

DUTCH: What are we
going to do?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Oh, Saunders,

will you bang on a pot
or something?

[EVERYONE CONTINUES TALKING]

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Tate would like
to speak with you.

Your mother wanted to send back
this message to all of you.

If she sounds a little weak,

well, this is a very
small microphone in here.

Here it goes.

JESSICA [LOUDLY]:
Is it on?

Testing, one, two.
Testing.

[GIGGLES]

Is that me?

Do I actually sound like that?

[ROARS LIKE A MOTOR]

Race car.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, children.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Corinne.

Uh, hi, Ma.

Hi, Eunice.

Hi, Ma.

Welcome home, darling.

Thanks.

Hello, Saunders.

Madam.

Hi, Daddy.

I've got to hand it to you.

That's the most
brilliant disguise

I've ever seen in my life.

I just want you all to know

that I've been thinking of you
constantly,

and it's very lonely here
without you.

Children, I'd just love
to tell you

that everything is fine
and that I'll be home soon,

but I'm afraid
that would be fibbing,

so all I can tell you now
is that,

well, I'm...

[SHRIEKS]

[SCREAMING]

What's that?
What's that?

The nurse just dropped
hot coffee in my lap.

[SIGHS]

Ooh-eee.

Well... Anyway, children,

you take care of each other
and help each other,

because you're the most
important thing

in the world to me.

You people are
what I'm most proud of

in this world,

so stick together
and be strong for me.

Well, goodbye, and remember...

♪ When I come home to you
San Francisco ♪

ALL:
♪ Your golden sun Will shine for me ♪

Bye.

I just want to die.

I just want to curl up
someplace and die.

Why her?

Why Jessica?

Oh, God.

When she was a little baby,

she used to stand on my feet,

and I'd walk her
around the room.

She used to call it dancing.

There ought to be a law.

Children can't go first.

It isn't fair.

She's still my little baby.

Would you care

for a cup of coffee,
Mr. Tate?

[VOICE SHAKES]
Oh, yes, thank you.

Quite welcome.

This time, I'm gonna do it.

This time,
I'm really gonna do it.

Leslie.

Say it fast, Billy.

I've got a date with destiny.

Leslie, when are you
gonna stop this?

This... This is the big one.

Look, Leslie,

my mother's in the hospital
fighting for her life.

Now, if you have no regard
for yours,

then pull the trigger,

but do us a favor.

Do it somewhere else.

Just leave us alone.

You're right, Billy.

I can't k*ll myself.

It wouldn't solve anything.

It's just that I was
just so crazy with grief,

I didn't want to live
in the same world with you.

Yeah, I know.

And I still don't...

so I'm gonna k*ll you.

[COCKS g*n]

All right, so ,
obscene behavior.

, disturbing the peace.

That's a ,
like, with no laughs.

Hey, Danny.

Hey, Burt.

Where is everybody?

Oh, your mother's
at the hospital

visiting Aunt Jessica.

Oh, hey, Chuck and Bob,

they got a job down at the club.

No kidding. What,
doing their ventriloquist act?

No, ballroom dancing.

Seriously?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Sheriff Campbell.

What? When?

A . We got a .

?

All right, now, listen.

All right, I know it sounds bad.

It sounds really very bad here.

Now, listen to me.

You get Henley,

and you take Thacker
and Sherman,

and I'll meet you there.

Don't... Just don't argue.

Just do what I'm telling you.

Burt, a is a lost dog.

What?

A lost dog.

Why are you calling me
about a lost dog?

My neighbor's dog?
My neighbor's dog is lost.

Puffy's lost.

Thanks for calling.

Wait a minute.

How did you know what a is?

I've been studying.

I know that book
backwards and forwards.

I can do it, Burt.

I can be your deputy.

Danny.

Ask me something, Burt.

Ask me what's
a . Danny, please.

A is illegal entry.
Ask me what a is.

Go ahead.
I don't care.

I don't know exactly
what the wording is,

but it's hitting somebody
over the head with something

when they don't want you to.

I can do it, Burt.
I know I can do it.

Danny, please.

I can't just make you a deputy.

You gotta be trained.

I got ideas, Burt.

I got an idea right now

that could put an end
to all s.

Why is he not listening to me?
I know I'm speaking.

I recognize my voice.

Liquor store
hold-ups, Burt.

I could put an end
to liquor store hold-ups.

Yeah, sure.

Pass out free heroin.

No, no.

I did some research.

You know the old wing
of our prison?

Well, they got
a lot of empty cells

in that wing.

Now, what we do is
we get all the merchants

to move all their liquor stores

into those cells,

and when somebody
tries to rob them, we...

Close the cell door.

I told you that one
already, didn't I?

No, I figured that
all by myself, Danny.

I got a better idea.

Danny, please.

The dog, Puffy, go find him.

Don't bother me.
Come on.

Electric money.

A guy tries to grab
a roll of quarters...

Zzzzzz...

Danny, why don't you

roll up the front of your shirt

and stick it in your mouth.

Please, get away from me.

Go get the dog, all right?

Come on.

Sheriff Campbell?

Yes, sir.

May I come in?

Uh...

My name is Elmore Tibbs.

I just dropped by
to congratulate you

on your victory
over Sheriff Prentiss.

Oh, a supporter.

Sure, come on inside.
This is my son, Danny, here.

How do you do?

Listen, can I get you a beer?

Oh, no thank you, I don't drink,

but I will have some cocoa.

Cocoa. Just...
Just ran out.

Danny, get down to the store,

get us some more
cocoa, all right?

No, please,
it's quite all right.

I'm not going to
stay long anyways.

Well, then,
Mr. Tibbs, here.

Come on, have a seat.

This is really very nice of you.

So, now, come on,
what can I do for you?

Well, as a businessman
in the area,

I just want to wish you

a long and successful
term of office.

Thank you.
That's a very sweet guy.

Also, I have one small problem.

"Problem" is our middle initial.

Sheriff Campbell,
after you were elected,

you had some of your men

hit some of the massage parlors
in the area.

Now, we had a little arrangement
with Sheriff Prentiss

stipulating he'd stay away.

Well, hey, don't worry.

I never go to those places.

I don't think you understand.

Yeah, yeah, we understand, pal.

Now, let me
tell you something...

Danny, please, what?

Will you let me handle this now,
all right?

Mr. Tibbs, let me set
something straight here.

Now... Those aren't
massage parlors.

I mean, nobody goes there
to get a massage.

See, "massage" is a nice word
so you can lay down and groan,

but the actual massage...

Burt...

I'm sure Mr. Tibbs

knows exactly
what goes on there.

Oh, well, good,
then you understand, then.

We're doing everything we can

to clean up this town,
Mr. Tibbs,

and get rid of those places.

Now, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.

I gotta get back on duty here.

Listen, next time you come,

you'll get yourself some cocoa.

You don't understand,
Sheriff Campbell.

I own those parlors.

Well, have you
been there lately?

Because it's really shocking.

Sheriff Campbell, you seem to me

like a very nice guy, you know.

You got a nice little house,
handsome boy...

beautiful wife.

Is this a picture of your wife?

Yeah.

Really beautiful.

Sure would be a shame
if something happened to her,

you know what I mean?

Why, you little...

Okay, Campbell, I'll be short.

You hit those clubs again,
and I'm gonna hit you.

Let me tell you something, pal.

I'm sick and tired
of driving out of my way

every night
so I don't have to look

at that filth
in your neighborhood.

You see, it's people like you

who have made
this town embarrassing

to a lot of us.

So you take your two g*ons

and get the hell out of here,

or I'm gonna
lock you up right now.

Okay, Campbell. Okay.

[GRUNTING]

All right, Olaf,

get him over on the couch.

Julio, go down to the car.

Get the photographer
and the girls.

Once Sheriff Campbell
sees the pictures

and realizes
we have the negatives,

I'm sure he'll do
everything he can

to cooperate.

[TIBBS LAUGHS]

[SNIFFLES]

Let go of her hand, Mallu.

I'm her husband.

And a lousy one at that.

I can't.

I just can't deal with death.

Oh, I-I...

It's my turn to take her hand.

We're not taking turns, Mallu.

There are no turns.
Give me her hand.

Get out of here, Tate.
I'm not kidding.

And I call myself
a psychiatrist.

That's a laugh.

I can't...

Who is he?

Who cares?

Drop the hand, Mallu.

Drop dead, Tate!

Boys, boys, now.

Boys, why don't you take turns?

Each one of you
could have minutes.

Of course, not knowing
how much time I have left,

it might not end up fairly.

Give me that hand.

What's going on here?

Doctor...
would you explain,

please, that I am her husband,

and, therefore, I am the one

that should be holding her hand.

Gentlemen.

Oh, Jessica, I can't stand it.

I'm so upset
I can't concentrate.

I just left the operating room,

and I forgot
to close up the patient.

What the hell is this?

I'm in love with her.

[LAUGHS]

He's known her for two weeks,

and he's in love with her.

It could happen.

It happened in Dark Victory.

You've known her for two weeks.

I've known her for years.

The hand is mine.

I get the hand.

I get it.
I get it.

No.

I got it. I got it.

Jess?

Oh, Mary.

Mary gets the hand.

How you feeling?

I'm okay.

I'm a little tired.

Don't talk.

I have to talk, Mary.

I don't have
much talking time left.

Jess...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

There hasn't been
a day in my life

you haven't been a part of.

All the years
we were growing up,

and we shared a room.

We could have each had our own.

We've never been apart, Jess.

Except on our honeymoons,

and on your first one,
I flew to Mexico to meet you.

Who am I gonna shop with, huh?

And laugh with and cry with.

And call first thing
every morning.

Mary, do you remember it

when I went to sleep-away camp
that year

when you didn't go
because you had a broken leg,

and you carried on
exactly the same way,

and you managed just fine

till you saw me in September.

Well, this is exactly
the same thing.

You probably
won't see me in September...

but someday
we'll see each other.

Someday you'll come to heaven,

and when you do,
we'll share a room.

I don't know how
I'm gonna get through life

without my older sister.

Older sister?

I don't think I can do it.

Mary, you're the older sister.

Jess, I am not.

Mary, I'm one year
younger than you.

Jessica, you are not.

You're one year older.

Younger.

This is silly.

Let's not argue now.

Okay, okay.

But I am younger.

Oh... Oh.

No, no, Mary.
It's all right.

If it's that important to you,

you can be the younger one.

Jess, it's happening.

No, not yet.

I feel it.

Mary, I'm the one that's dying.

You can't feel it.

No. The baby.

I'm in labor.

[LAUGHS]

Now?

Oh. Yeah.

Jess, what am I gonna do?

Get to a hospital!

I'm in a hospital.

Oh, right. Good.

Lie down.

Now, here.

Here. Come on.

Now, you can have
the baby right here.

Mrs. Campbell,
I think you better

get up to maternity.

I want to stay with my sister.

No, no, this is
your third child.

It could come pretty quickly.

I better call an orderly.

I'm gonna have to go.

I know.

Will you...

When I...

Oh, Jess.

Oh, Mary, don't, don't.

My goodness, Mary.

We're having a baby.

Jess.

Right, Mrs. Campbell, please.

Easy does it, now.

I can't say...

goodbye.

You just wave to me, okay?

Love you.

No.

You have no right.
You have no right.

I've known her for years.

You have no right to try
to get even time with her hand.

How do you deal with death?

Tell me, how do you do it?

I don't know.

You're a doctor!

We let the nurses do it.

Look, over there.

What?

Give the woman some air,
for God's sake.

Benson.

BENSON:
You're still around?

You're back.

Hello, Benson.

May I have a few minutes alone

with Benson?

Well...

So you got here.

Of course I got here.

I'm glad,

because, you see...
I really missed you,

and if I had d*ed,
and I hadn't seen you,

then it would be
really a long time

before I would see you,

but now, this way,
since you got here,

and I've seen you,

it won't be such a long time
till I see you.

I guess it never leaves you.

I still understand you
when you talk.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

You were my best friend, Benson.

And you were the best person
that's ever been in my life.

Really?

In spite of all the trouble
I caused you.

What trouble?

Well, you know.

The way I used to
mess things up,

and I got in jams, and...

You were always there
to get me out.

I wish I could get you
out of this one.

I'm afraid you can't
this time, Benson.

You know, I keep thinking

that I should say
something important.

I mean, after all,
this is my deathbed...

[LAUGHS]

But I don't have
anything important to say.

You don't have to.

Your whole life's
been important.

It's been a nice life.

I know.

I hate to leave it.

Benson, would you
look in on them

from time to time?

Don't worry about a thing.

[SIGHS]

Benson...

you be happy.

Be happy.

You be happy, because...

that's all there really is.

[FLATLINE BEEP]

No.

Jessica.

[BEEP CONTINUES]

ANNOUNCER:
Will Polly marry Danny?

Who will Dutch choose?

What will happen
to Danny and Burt?

Will Leslie k*ll Billy?

Who will get custody of Wendy?

Will Mary have an alien baby?

Is Jessica dead?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]