03x23 - Episode 23

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Leslie was undecided
about k*lling herself,

so she decided
to k*ll Billy instead.

Dutch has finally decided
to decide

between Eunice and Corinne.

When Burt and Danny
decided to stand up to Tibbs,

Tibbs decided
to have them knocked out.

The judge said she would decide

on whether Jodie or Carol
receives custody of Wendy.

Now that Mary's baby
has decided to appear,

will it also be able
to disappear,

or will it be as normal
as everyone else in the family?

And what have the fates
decided for Jessica?

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

Jess. No, no.

Jess.

Okay, will you all get away?

Where the hell
is the emergency team?

This is the worst day
of my life.

Oh, my God, she's dead.

She d*ed right here.

Death, right in front of me.

I can't stand it.

I just can't stand it.

[CRYING]

Get a hold of yourself, man.

[HYSTERICALLY]:
Jessica! Jessica!

Mallu, stop it!

I lost my head.
You're right, Tate.

I always tend to overreact

when the person I love more
than anything else in the world

drops dead. I'm sorry.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to administer CPR.

Why is he doing that?

Why not?

Stop it.

Stop that, you letch.

I'm trying to start
her heart, you moron.

Moron. Very nice.

Damn it, breathe.

Breathe? You might as well
ask her to shuffle and deal.

She's gone.

Clear the way, please.

It's about time.

And what do you think
you're doing now?

Back off, Tate.

You call yourself
a man of medicine?

I'm giving her air, you idiot.

I cannot believe
that a person would stoop so low

as to neck with a man's wife
right before his eyes.

Doc, any time

you'd like to take
a break, it's...

Mallu, you slime.

Will you hurry up
with that thing?

Ready.

Okay, everybody move back.

Get back.
I hate you.

I hate all of you.

Jess.

Don't touch her, Tate.
She's mine.

Okay, hit it.

[DEFIBRILLATOR BUZZES,
MEN SCREAM]

Yeah, I think...
I think I've got a heartbeat.

Yeah, she's breathing.

Mrs. Tate's breathing.

Mr. Tate, however, is not.

Ah, you win some, you lose some.

Be a good fellow
and start his heart.

Me?

I'm tied up here.

I wouldn't start his car,
much less his heart.

You're a doctor, for God's sake.

Give him a cardiac thump
and revive him.

[GRUNTS]

Why, you crazy...

What's happened here?

You were shocked.

Shocked?

I'm appalled.

One doctor
is feeling up my wife.

Another doctor's
b*ating up her husband.

You swine.

[GRUNTS]

Doctor, I want nurses
around the clock,

and specialists, the best.

I don't care how much they cost.

She has the best, Mallu.

No, for me.

I have a terrific headache.

Me too.

Oh, and I don't.

Is that it?

Nurse, I'm dying.

POSNER:
Me too.

Me too.

Room .
Bring up a chair.

Okay, gentlemen.

Everything is fine,

so would you all please get out

and let her get some rest?

I am her husband,

and I am staying right here,
right till the end.

I agree with Tate.

I'm staying too.

And I.

Who is the person
with the head injury?

I am.
I am.

He's lying.
It's me.

It's not you.

It's not you.

I got here first.

I'm her attorney.

I'm her psychiatrist.

Tate.

Sorry, I...

I'm acting like a child.

Sorry.

Doctor... is she
going to make it?

It's possible,

but it may not be
the best thing if she does.

Why?

Her brain was denied
a lot of oxygen, Tate.

The damage
could be irreversible.

Danny.

Huh?

Danny.
Not now, Burt.

I'm having a really great dream.

Danny, Danny, wake up.

Oh, what a great dream.

I hope they show it again
tonight.

Oh, oh, my head.

Oh. Oh.

Holy cow.

Look at that.

She must know yoga.

Or something.

How many of them are there?

One, two, three, four, five.

There's five.

And a dachshund.

No, no, no, no.

That's not a dachshund.

That's some guy dressed up
like a dachshund.

Good, I thought
it was really sick.

What channel is this?

What is this show?

And a dwarf.

I forgot to count that dwarf.

Boy, Norman Lear really did
change television.

This isn't television, Danny.

Danny, this is closed circuit.

Come on, we've gotta
get out of here.

Burt.

Why? What?

Burt, we're not home.

[SARCASTICALLY]: No.

Yes. Yes, look around.

Oh, my God.

We're kidnapped.

Burt, call the police.

Danny, we are the police.

Where are my clothes?

They took them.

Who?
Tibbs.

He knocked us out
and brought us here

and took all our clothes.

Looks like someone had a party.

I think we did.

You think we had a good time?

Must've been.

We were the last ones to leave.

Are you sure

we can't get this
on our TV at home?

No, no, Danny, come on.

Come on, here.

Get dressed, will you?

Hey, Burt.

This is a dress.

It's all we got.

Yeah, well, you got pants.

These are not pants.

These are culottes.

Well, they're better than this.

You want the culottes?

Take the culottes.

Come on, Danny.

It's not that I want them.

I just think
I'll look better in them.

Mine must've been a big girl.

What do I wear on top?

What do I...

Here. Come on.

Boy, these things
are a lot easier to get off

than they are on.

I think I should have the dress.

You can wear it tomorrow
if I don't have a luncheon.

Come on!

Hey!

Hey, that saddle.

It was in my dream.

Wonderful.
Come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, there were these girls,
see, and this saddle, and...

[LAUGHS]

Well, it was really something.

What happened was...

Never mind.

You had to be there.

I think I was.

Come on.

Will you come on?

Jennifer.

Thank you.

Any time.

Oh, come on, Bob.

So where is everybody?

Bob, just calm down.
They'll be here.

I mean, she had a baby.

Where's the baby?

She had a husband.

Where's the husband?

Where's the doctor?

Where's Danny?

Where's my chicken salad on rye?

Look, Danny and Burt
are probably out

working on a case.

Yeah,
of Old Grand-Dad.

Bob, would you just
keep it down?

You're gonna wake her up.

Oh, come on.

A stampede couldn't wake her up.

Look at her.

She's sleeping so peacefully,

and I'm a nervous wreck.

I was up all night pacing.

I got shin splints.

Chuck, would you keep him quiet?

But you guys don't know
what it's like for me!

I mean, first they try
to take away our little...

Bob.

Our little...
Bob.

[CRYING]

Chuck.

I'll get him a sedative.

Good idea, and get
something for yourself.

Yeah.

Mm...

Thirsty.

Hi, Ma.

Did I?

You did.

Congratulations.

What color is it?

Wow, is there something

you'd like to tell us?

We're not sure yet.

That's not usually
the first question.

Bob.

That's not usually
the th question.

Is he a he?

A she?

Mom, we don't know yet.

[GASPS]

Silver?

Silver!

[LAUGHS]

Silver!

Lone Ranger's horse is Silver.

Bob!

Chuck, why don't you
go get the nurse

and tell her
that Mom's awake, okay?

Okay.

Come on, Bob.

How come you're always saying,

"Come on, Bob"?

Where would I go?

How are you feeling?

Lighter.

Oh, Jodie, I am so scared.

Mom, there's nothing
to worry about.

No matter what the baby is,
you'll love it.

We'll all love it,

and that baby will grow up

and never realize
he's different.

When he starts flying
around the room,

he's gonna want some answers.

He'll belong, Ma.

No, because we'll love him.

We'll all love him,
and you'll see, he'll be normal.

He'll be a pink, little,
bright, pudgy...

Mrs. Campbell?

Congratulations.
You have a son.

Oh... Jodie.

Oh. Well, where is he?
Can I see him?

Is he all right?

Oh, he's fine.

He's a healthy
-pound baby boy...

Oh, thank God.

See, what did I tell you?

But we'd like to keep him
in the nursery a bit longer.

We're just a little concerned
about his color.

[THUMP]

Okay, time's up

on that goodbye letter
to your father.

Wait a minute.
I'm in the middle of a sentence.

Well, hurry up and finish it.

How could I think
under pressure like this?

You're just stalling, Billy.

Naturally, I'm stalling. Any
time someone points a g*n at me,

I tend to stall.

Okay, that's enough.
One more P.S.

No more P.S.'s.

One last request?

No more last requests.

I've already let you
say your prayers.

I let you have

minutes of meditation,

and I let you have
two cups of Ovaltine.

You've taken advantage of
my good nature long enough.

Leslie, think.

If you wanted to sh**t me,
you would have done it by now.

Don't kid yourself.

My only reason for delaying

is so that I can
watch you squirm.

Now that you've squirmed...

I've got a lot of squirming
left in me.

The best is yet to come.

Bye, Billy.

Give me that g*n, private.

Very odd choice
for a combat w*apon.

Oh, Grandpa.

Well, everything's screwy

since they let women
into the Army.

Clean that barrel,
or it's K.P.

Grandpa!

Well, I should've been
tougher on her,

but those are some gams.

Grandpa, Grandpa,
don't leave me.

Private.

Billy.

Leslie, why don't we put
this off until tomorrow?

Why don't we sleep on it?

Stop trying to reason
with me, Billy.

I really want to do this.

It'll mean the chair.

Three years, tops.

Then I'll write a book about it,

then Meryl Streep will star
in the movie version.

You know, this is beginning
to sound like a better idea

all the time.

Goodbye, Billy.

Oh.

Oh!

BILLY:
Saunders.

I had reached a point

where I can honestly say
to myself

that nothing that happens
in this house

could surprise me.

I was premature.

Billy, do you think
you could manage

to drive me to the hospital

without getting me k*lled?

Come on.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Ma, he's fine.

The baby's fine.

But the color.
She said the color...

Jaundice.
He's just a little jaundiced.

It's very common.

He's normal, Ma.
You have a normal baby.

He's not silver?

No, actually,
he's kind of golden.

Oh, God. Golden.

No, no, no, Ma.

Ma, from the jaundice, see?
He's normal.

I told the nurse
you were worried,

and she's gonna bring him in.

He's normal?

He's beautiful, Ma.

Here we are.

Baby boy Campbell.

Oh, thank God, he's white.

I know what you're thinking,

but that's not what she means.

No.

She meant, thank God
he's not silver.

Right.

Sure.

Yeah, because she thought

she was gonna have
a silver baby.

Is that a fact?

Oh, yeah, really,

I thought that the father
was silver.

I see, and who was that?

R -D ?

DANNY: Beep, beep.
BURT: Watch out!

Watch out! Hey.

What is it with...

What's the matter with you?

Come on, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

Didn't you see me
signal, you idiot?

I had the right of way.

What are you talking about,

right of way?

The vehicle on the right

always has the right of way.

It's common knowledge.

At a full stop sign.

You have the right of way
at a full stop sign.

We're at a door.

Plus which...
you cut me off.

I did not!

Did too.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Boys, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mare,
but he's so weird.

What happened?

BURT:
Nothing.

The wheelchairs.

Your heads.

Oh, that?

That's... This is
no big deal, Mare.

No, no.

We were just walking
down the street,

Danny and I,

and we ran into
a little minor problem.

Yeah.

A gorilla.

A gorilla.

Escaped from the zoo.

A gorilla?

It's nothing.

Forget it.

You should've seen him.

He was gigantic.

Yes, we're fine, Mare.

We're really fine.

Yes, there was a bruise or two.

It's nothing.
He picked me up.

I thought he would k*ll me.

Keep talking, somebody will.

So, Mare...

Course, it was a good thing

that the gorilla picked
me up when he did,

because that old lion

came right around that corner
right about then.

[GRUMBLING]

Then he att*cked the gorilla
who was holding me...

Will you shut up?

And the gorilla
dropped me right then.

And?
And...

And? And?

And...
What?

Everything turned out fine.

Thank you.

So, Mare, what's...

[BABY COOS]

That?

Our baby.

A baby.

Oh, Burt.

A baby.

Our?

You had... You?

We had.

It's here.

It's come? It's here?

Where?

There?

What, a baby? A thing?

What kind? What kind?

White.

Good.

A boy.

Boy? A white boy?

I got a white b...
White boy.

It's a white boy.

Mare, it could've
been a green girl.

I don't care.

Came close.

Oh, look.

Look at that.

It's a boy.

Look at him.

You want to hold him?

Come on.

You can finish telling me

about the gorilla.

What gorilla?

He doesn't break or anything?

He's a tough kid.

Go ahead.

Ahh...

Oh, look.

Look at him.

Look at him.

Look at those little hands,

those little fingers,

the little fingernails,

the little knuckles.

It's all in miniature.

It's like a model train.

[CHOO-CHOOS]

Mare, it's wonderful.

Mare... we have a baby.

[CRYING]: Why her?

Why Jessica?

EUNICE: Mother?

Can you hear me?

Mother?

Doctor, is she all right?

She's still breathing.

That's a good sign, isn't it?

It's a wonderful start.

If you're holding her hand,
look clinical, buster.

Stay away from her.

You have no more claim on her.

Neither one of you
has a claim on her.

She was finally finding
a little peace with me.

Oh, how I hate you.

Devil!

Oh, we're hooked up.

We're all hooked up.

Will you shut up?

I can't stand it.

We're all hooked up.

I feel like a charm bracelet.

I can't take this anymore.

I think I'm cracking up.

Doc, look, you're a shrink.

You've gotta help me.

You've gotta help me.

Why her?

Why Jessica?

How do I know?

Can't you see I'm hysterical?

I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm not a philosopher.

How can I tell you why her?

[SNORTING]

I am so sick

of you people with problems.

Who helps me?

Jessica?

Jessica.

Oh, Mother.

Mother, we've had
such a nice visit.

Now, don't spoil it all
by pouting.

Yes, I will.

I will come back to heaven
someday.

I promise.

ALL: Jessica?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Mrs. Tate?

This is Dr. Hill.

She's dreaming about Grandma.

Oh, Mother.

Of course I'd like to meet
some of your friends...

I just don't think

I should hang around here
too long.

[CHUCKLES]

Mother, just open your eyes.

All right, Mother.

Since he's here.

Oh, I'm so pleased
to meet you, Mr. Pasteur.

Your name is on my milk.

Yes, my mother is a character,
isn't she?

[LAUGHS]

Jess, please, wake up.

It's amazing.

Her pulse and temperature

are normal.

She may have fought off
the virus.

Yahoo!

But what's wrong, doctor?

For a while,

there was no oxygen
to her brain,

which could mean...

What?

Well, it could mean
she'll remain in a coma.

For how long?

It could be
for the rest of her life.

Corinne, Mother can't possibly
wear that

in her hospital bed.

It'll give her an incentive
to get up and get well.

But she can't see it.

She's in a coma, stupid.

Don't you think I know that?

She'll sense it, stupid.

Maybe she'll open her eyes
for just a second,

and this dress will give her
the will to live.

But the doctor said
she might have brain damage

due to oxygen deprivation.

Oh, doctors.

What do they know?

Besides, I don't think
Mother's brain

needs as much oxygen
as other people's.

Now, help me.

We're gonna take
all her favorite things.

Well, if you're gonna
take that blue dress,

I'm gonna take this nightgown.

It's the most
beautiful one she owns.

You're nuts.

The pink one is the prettiest,

and I'm gonna take it
and the nightgown that matches.

You vultures.

Your mother isn't even dead,
and you're grabbing her stuff?

You ungrateful bums.

You cold-hearted,
two-faced little witches.

You ghouls... leeches.

Cockroaches!

Dutch, we're taking
this stuff to Mother

in the hospital.

Oh, well, forget what I said.

Aw, gee, Eunice.

Why Jessica, huh?

I mean, why her?

We still don't have
an answer to that, Dutch.

She's gonna come
out of it, Dutch.

She just has to.

[SIGHS]

Thank God you're both here.

I probably would have cracked up
a long time ago,

if I didn't have the two of you
to hang onto.

Enough is enough, Dutch.

You can't keep hanging on

to both of us.

I agree.

Dutch, you've had plenty of time

to figure out which one of us
you really want.

Okay. You forced me to tell you
my decision, and I made one.

It wasn't easy.

I went through a lot
of pain and anguish

and prayers
to the Almighty for help,

and, finally, it came to me.

My decision.

High card wins.

That's your decision?

I thought you said you decided.

I decided how, not who.

Pick a card.

A card?

You can't pick with a card.

I can't decide.
Don't you understand that?

I'll never be able
to choose between you

unless one of you dies
of old age.

All right.

Let's go.

Wait a minute.

Why are you picking first?

What difference does it make?

Because that gives you
the advantage.

If you pick first,

that's one less card
for me to pick from.

Then let's draw
to see who picks first.

Oh, and who's gonna pick
that card first?

Girls, girls.

Look, I'll decide
who goes first, okay?

Eenie, meenie, minie...

Don't start that.

Besides, when it's two people,

the one who gets chosen
is the one who isn't eenie.

It is?

If I'm eenie, and she's meenie,

then I'm minie, and she's mo,

and when it's two people,
eenie can never be mo.

So let's try picking
at the same time.

Anything to get on with this.

[SIGHS]

I got a .

A ?

Uh-huh.

I got a jack.

Oh.

That means that...
I lost.

I'm sorry, Eunice.

Let me see that.

Corinne, that's a three!

I was bluffing.

You bought it.

This isn't poker, Corinne.

You lost.

I did?

Oh.

So I guess that means
that I won.

Oh, but it's nothing personal,
Corinne.

It's just in the cards.

You know, sometimes you win,

sometimes you lose,

and it's like that
in life too, Corinne.

Sometimes you win,
sometimes I win,

but in every case,

the loser always
picked up her head

and went right on.

I know I did...

and now, I've won,
and you've lost.

Now I have him,
and you have no one.

Now I have a man,
and you're alone,

out in the cold,

out on a limb,

up the creek without a paddle.

[LAUGHS]

Whoo.

Dutch, how do you feel
about this decision?

Okay.

Oh.

Hey, Eunice,

I'd like to say
goodbye to Corinne.

You want to give us
a minute, okay?

Oh, okay, take a minute.

I mean alone.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Keep a grip on yourself,
Corinne.

Well, I guess
it's so long, lover,

and hello, pal.

Hello, pal.

I did love you, Dutch.

Me too... You.

I'll never forget you.

Hey, we live in the same house.

Well...

I may be moving soon.

Not because of me.

No, not only that.

It's just that

I feel it's time
I was out on my own.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

I'm glad you were in my life.

Me too.

So long, Dutch.

So long, Corinne.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it either.

I, for one, don't believe it.

Do you believe it?

[SNORTS]

You?

Pssh.

It's hard to believe,

but I actually think
she's pulling through.

Doctor, you've gotta
give it to me straight.

I'm her psychiatrist.
I can take it.

Is there brain damage?

There's a good chance.

Oh, I don't wanna live anymore.

For God's sake.

Oh, goodbye life,
love, suffering,

sorrow, no more!

No, wait, don't take
the big leap.

That's crazy.

Hey, su1c1de is a misdemeanor.

Do you want to die
with a record?

Let me go.
Let me go!

I think she's coming to.

[SCREAMS]

Now, we don't want
to do or say anything

that will shock or upset her.

That would...

That would be
a bad thing, right?

The man is a carp.

CHESTER: She's trying
to open her eyes.

Do you see that?

DOCTOR: Tate, let me
be the doctor, please.

Oh, but if you think
she's going to be impressed

with the fact that you pulled
her through, just know this.

I am going to fight you
every step of the way.

You'll have to fight me first...

Will you guys knock it off?

DOCTOR:
He's right.

Gentlemen, let's lock our mouths
and swallow the key.

Dr. Seuss.

She's coming to.

DOCTOR: Yes.

CHESTER:
Come on. Come on.

Jessica.

Hi.

[SCREAMING, CHEERING]

Am I in India?

No, no, Jess.

Some of us have had
a slight accident.

You okay?

Well, I don't know.

I was going to ask you that.

Well, you look okay.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Come on, Chester, let's go.

Call down and ask them
to get the bill ready for us,

will you?

Thank you.

Jess, darling,
you can't just leave.

We have to watch you
for a while.

I see.

We missed you, Mom.

I missed you too, darling.

How's Leslie?

She's fine.

And Saunders?

Leslie sh*t him in the temple.

I didn't know he was Jewish.

Hey, Jess.

Hey, Jess.

Hi, Burt.

Are you a daddy?

Well, yeah, sure.

I mean, you know
my son Danny here.

She's worse off than I thought.

No, Burt, she means the baby.

The baby! Yes,
the baby, the baby.

We had a baby.
Yes. It's a...

Mary had a...
a baby boy.

Oh, Burt, that's wonderful.

Yeah, come on. Let's go.
We'll go get Mare.

We'll bring the baby back,
all right?

Come on, let's go.

Well, how are you
feeling today, soldier?

Well, I'm really a lot better,
Daddy.

What happened to you, colonel?

Nothing, major.

Everything's fine.
I'm fine.

Fine? You're fine?

Major, if you don't mind...

These brave soldiers

have been wounded in battle,

and you're fine?

There's nothing
the matter with you?

Major.

You're nothing
but a damn coward.

Back to the front.
Ooh!

Yellow-livered
little fruit.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Bye, now.

Welcome back, Jessica.

Thank you.

Was I gone long?

You were in a coma.

Did I come out of it?

The virus seems
to have disappeared.

Do you mean you cured me?

Well, not really. It...

There is no cure.

If there's no cure,
why is she alive?

You see, you are
the only person on record

who ever had
this strain of virus,

so we don't know much about it.

We're calling it
"the Jessica syndrome."

Oh, that's nice.

Chester, they're naming
a horrible disease after me.

That is nice.

Jess, you're alive.

Well, yes, of course, Mary.

If I were dead,
I couldn't respond.

Aunt Jessie?

What?

I want you to meet
my little brother.

Everybody, this is
my little brother.

Little brother,
this is your family.

Oh, let me see.

He's adorable.

Hello, darling.

Welcome to the world.

Isn't he beautiful?

Mm, he's gorgeous.

Mary, is he...

What, what?

Well, you know, I mean...

Jessie.

What, what, that?

No, not yet.

We don't know any rabbis.

No, Burt.

I didn't mean that.

What I meant is, is he normal?

Jessie.
Normal. Normal?

Of course he's normal.

He's my son.

Somehow, I fail to see
the logic in that.

[LAUGHING]

I got you now, Tate,

and you, Mallu.

Even you,
Mr. Doctor.

I've got her all to myself.

What happened?

He broke almost
every bone in his body.

Then why is he so happy?

Because I've got the room
next door.

[LAUGHS]

Bye, Jess.

I'll see you later.

Life is so wonderful sometimes.

Ow!

Well, nice of you to come.

Don't start with me, Dallas.

It's all your fault.

Mine?

Every time I deal

with that screwy
family of yours,

I get the old wazoo.

This time, I got it
right between the peepers.

What happened to your head?

First,
I was almost electrocuted.

Then I'm dashed to the floor

by that ridiculous uncle
of yours,

and now, for the first time
in years,

I'm going to lose a case.

Leave me alone, Dallas.
I'm not kidding.

What happened, Mallu?

Your toupee at the cleaner's?

Nice try, Haversham.

You can't rile me today.

I'm too confident, too mellow.

When this thing is over,

I'm gonna hire someone

to k*ll him.

Mallu, give it to me straight.

All right, I will, Dallas.

How does it look?

How does what look?

Do we have a chance?

A chance?

Let me tell you something,
Dallas,

something you should know.

The Red Sea wasn't parted
by a pool pump. Savvy?

When John the Baptist
was to be beheaded,

he didn't stand a chance,

but he made it,
because there's always a chance.

Remember that.

John the Baptist was beheaded.

Then I hope
you'll have the grace

never to quote me on that.

All rise.

What's with the turban, Mallu?

It's a bandage, Your Honor.
I was injured.

Well, it's better
than that ridiculous rug.

Thank you.

I have her eating

out of the palm of my hand.

Mr. Dallas, I have seen
your integrity,

fervor, and honesty.

I'm impressed

by your passion and fortitude.

However, it has become
apparent to me,

over these many years,

that an infant needs
the kind of care

that can best be given to it

by its mother.

Miss David,
you have shown yourself

to be a concerned parent.

Thank you.

Last night, I decided
that your child

would be better off
with her mother.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

This morning, I received a call
from your mother

telling me that she had lied
on the stand

on your behalf.

Your Honor,

I wanted my daughter so badly,

I would have done anything to...

Forcing your own mother
to commit perjury

using her own grandchild
as bait,

does not lead me to agree

that this person
has a clear understanding

of what parenthood is all about.

Mr. Dallas has
that understanding.

Therefore, I have decided
to break with normal tradition

and award custody
of the infant, Wendy,

to her father, Jodie Dallas.

[CHEERING]

This hearing is adjourned.

Your Honor...

Your Honor, I realize

I've acted irrationally
during these proceedings,

and I'm sorry.

I know it's hard for you
to know a person

when that person's world
is caving in all around him,

because all you get to see
is the fear and the craziness,

so I thank you
for looking beyond that.

Good luck, Mr. Dallas.

I want you to know

there are no hard feelings.

Not at all.

Good.
So long, Mallu.

So long, pinhead.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Listen, Carol, we'll...

we'll work out
the visitation rights.

I won't be any problem.

No need.

Carol, don't be bitter.

Why should I be bitter?

This isn't over yet,

and when it is over,

you're gonna wish
you never had a daughter.

[TAPPING]

Jess.

Hi, Mary.

You're walking.

Well, yes, Mary.

I've known how
for quite some time now.

But aren't you weak?

Don't you feel weak?

Well, I'm a little weak,

but actually,
I felt a whole lot weaker

when I was on
the Scarsdale diet.

Oh, Jess, thanks.

How's the baby?

Fine.

You must be so relieved
he isn't silver.

Well, yes, I am.

You know, as a matter of fact,

I think a silver baby
might have been nice,

especially during the holidays.

He would've been
so festive looking.

I'm still worried.

Alien Burt wasn't silver
when I saw him,

but he was still an alien,

and he could
make himself disappear.

So even though
the baby isn't silver,

he could still be an alien.

Mary... I don't know
how to break this to you,

but the baby
has... disappeared.

They're bathing him.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, if he can disappear,

let's hope he does it

between the ages of and

when he's so obnoxious.

Thank you.

Mary, I have a message for you.

From whom?

From Mother.

Jessie, Mother's dead.

I know.

Mary, I haven't discussed this
with anybody,

but when I d*ed,
I went to heaven.

It is an incredible place, Mary,

but now, when you go,

be sure you take
electric rollers,

because with that mist,
you'll have no hairdo.

Anyway, Mary,
when I was in heaven,

I saw Mother,
and she told me to tell you

you're wearing
too much eyeliner.

It's never gonna stop.

She says it looks cheap.

Dead, and she's still
getting to me.

She told me to stay
with Chester.

She said at my age,
I couldn't get anybody new.

And when I die,
if I go to heaven,

is that gonna be it?

That's going to be
eternal paradise,

listening to her?

Well, Mary,
she does have a point.

I mean, have you seen
the competition these days?

I mean, they wear lipstick

and roller skates,

and nothing in between.

Jessie, that's not competition.

Teenyboppers on roller skates?

What adult man would be
interested in one of them?

You're right.

Anyway, when it comes to men,

I am the kiss of death.

I mean, Chester gets
a brain tumor and amnesia.

I get involved with Peter,
he gets k*lled.

I get involved
with the psychiatrist,

he goes nuts,
jumps out the window.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, I am
the kiss of death, Mary.

Oh, Jessie, you are not.

Even Charlie Graubart,
my fourth-grade boyfriend.

Charlie Graubart.

Do you know where he is?
No.

On Main Street. He's a wino.

He sits on Main Street
and panhandles.

Of course, every time I see him,

I give him $ for coffee.

By now, I could claim him
as a tax exemption.

You know, when I thought
Burt was having an affair,

and he thought
he was having an affair,

but he really wasn't having
an affair,

only I didn't know he wasn't
having an affair,

and I could've gone out
and had an affair,

I couldn't?

I see.

The thing is,

I don't want to have
to tell anybody

my thighs used to be better.

They did?

Please.

Mine did too.
Much better.

And then suddenly,
one morning, I woke up

with somebody else's thighs.

Mother's.

What?
Mother's thighs.

I've got Mother's thighs.

Mary, if you've got
Mother's thighs,

what does Mother have?

Jessica.

Well, I've gotta go now.

Bye-bye.

Now, listen, if anyone says,
"Have you seen me?"

You haven't.

Who would ask?

Oh, you know, like,
doctors and nurses.

See, they were taking me down
to x-ray

to have a G.I. series,

but I already had one of those,

and it is such
an undignified test, Mary.

So while they were
getting everything ready,

I left.

I'm off to pediatrics
to wave at your baby.

Bye.

[♪]

Perkins, I can't arrest him.

But he didn't rob anybody.

Listen to me.

A guy puts a g*n
to his own throat

and says to himself,
"Give me your money."

That's not robbery.

He's not a felon.
He's a psycho.

All right, Perkins?

Tell him to arrest himself.

Okay, here's how I see it.

We get knocked out in our house,

we wake up naked
in a motel room,

we go to the hospital,
and Mom has a baby.

What do you think?

I see no connection

between being naked in a motel

and having a baby.

Just presenting the facts, Burt.

Just the facts.

The facts are
Tibbs is gonna blackmail us.

I don't know how,
I don't know when,

but he's gonna do it.

Hmm...

Do you have any idea
how or when?

It just doesn't add up, Burt.

Oh, it doesn't add up, huh?

A guy says to us, "Stay away

from my massage parlors
or else,"

then he knocks us out
and takes us to a little party?

This is for you.

Thank you, Perkins.

What are you looking at?

Perkins.

Get out of here.

The lab reports, huh?

How can they be lab reports?

We didn't send anything
to the lab.

I don't even know
where the lab is.

There's something
you could do, Dan.

Go find the lab.

All right.

That creep.

Perkins. What is he doing?

What?

My own deputy,

passing out this kind
of sick filth,

these filthy pictures?

Are those women?

I ought to arrest him.

Hey, Burt, look.

There's a saddle,

like that one in that motel room

where we...

We...

We...

You...

You...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's us.

Oh, Burt, it's us.

Danny. Danny,
just calm down.

Let's think.

Right, right.
Thinking is good.

Let's not lose control.

All right, no control lost.

Let's just assess
what we got here.

Assessing is also nice.

What we got here
are some pictures

of you and me...

ladies... in a motel.

Nobody's wearing a whole lot,

which is how you know
some of us are men.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Burt, look,

you're wearing a garter belt.

That's not me.

Well, that's not
the leg of a lady.

Danny, please.

There are, like,
nine legs around here.

Only a couple of them are mine.

What are you saying, then?

Are you saying it's mine?

Is that it?

[SNORTING]

It's you.

They put you in the garter belt.

I'll k*ll him.

I'll k*ll him.

Wait, Danny.
Danny, wait, wait.

There's a note.

I hope it doesn't say anything.

"Campbell, hit my parlors,

and these pictures
hit the papers."

"Have a nice day."

Did he sign it?

Is that really necessary?

This is terrible.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know. I...

If only we weren't smiling.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Dutch has chosen Eunice,

what will Corinne do

besides get more sleep?

Will Leslie be satisfied
with winging Saunders,

or will she try
to k*ll Billy again?

Now that Jessica

has a horrible disease
named after her,

will everybody want one?

Now that Tibbs
has pictures of Danny and Burt

with six naked ladies,

what will Danny and Burt do?

When Carol said,
"I'll make you wish

you never had a daughter,"

was she just being a bad loser?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

[♪]