04x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Well, Dad, this is it,
it's the big day.

The joining of two souls,

two destinies, two families.

In a little while your little
girl will forever have my name.

Your family will be my family.

Isn't it amazing, Dad?

I mean, we met in prison,
we escaped together

and I held you hostage
in this very house.

Then I met Eunice.

Course it was just

all passion at first,
you know, Dad.

Heh, heh.

Just that blinding, crazy lust.

That wild animal frenzy,

that torrid, lusty, passionate,

passionate, lusty love.

I hate you!

I hate you!

Die!

Come on, Dad.
Dad, come on.

Get a hold of yourself.

Hey, Dutch, you all right?

Of course.

This is the happiest
day of my life.

The joining of two souls,
two families.

Why so glum, Colonel?

My princess is marrying Dutch.

Dutch?

Marrying Dutch
is the most disgraceful thing

I ever heard.

It is?

Oh, thank you, Major, thank you.

Marrying Dutch.

Why, in my day
the bride's father

paid for the whole thing.

You... you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Major...

Never touch me again,

you cheap little skinflint!

Psst.

Psst.

Daddy.

Here.
Oh!

Princess.

Oh, God!

You look beautiful.

My little girl,
look at you, all grown up.

Daddy, I'm not supposed
to be down here,

but I just wanted
you to know how happy I am

that you gave us your consent.

And I also want you
to know, Daddy,

that no man could ever
totally take me away from you,

I'll always be your little girl.

All I want
is your happiness, honey.

That's all I've ever wanted.

Now, Daddy, I know
it's difficult for you,

but please try
and get along with Dutch.

He adores you, Daddy.
He thinks the world of you.

All he wants to do
is please you.

Try, Daddy.

I'll try, so help me.

Thank you.

See you later.

Finished up your drink, Dad?

Hi.
Hi.

How do I look?

Uh, what?

I've cried so much today,

I think my mascara
is running into my pantyhose.

I don't blame it.

Are you Eunice's father?

Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm Annie Selig, maid of honor.

Annie!

You were Eunice's
roommate in college.

Yes, you remember me.

I remember you.

I don't remember you like that.

It's been a long time.

Yes, it has.

Well, I...

I guess I should get
back to the bride.

Why?
Uh...

I beg your pardon?

Oh!

Why, yes, yes, you should,
of course, yes.

She's so lovely,
she looks a lot like you.

Well, except for the gown.

You think I'm lovely?

I think you're
extremely handsome.

Well, I better be going.
I'll see you later.

When?

Hello, dear.

Come on, Chester.

Chester, Burt and Danny
were supposed to go

and get the minister
an hour ago.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, you're here, you're here!

Thank God!

Uh, so to speak.

I'll tell Eunice you're here.

Billy, Billy, come on, please.

Come on, help Mother.

Where have you been?

We're starting any minute.

We had to get the minister.

Chester please, huh?

We were stuck at a funeral.

Oh, took forever.

Some lady threw herself
on the coffin.

It was already in the ground.

Now, I mean, honestly.

This is Reverend, uh...

I don't know,
so-and-so here.

Excuse me, listen...

Hey, Dutch, listen, I know now

that you're gonna be
relatively happy.

Come here.

Here.
Right.

Guys, I have another
funeral in half an hour.

Baptists, could take all week.
So could we get on with this?

Oh, uh, yes.

Right away, Father.

I'm not a Father.

Priests are Fathers.
I'm a reverend,

so you don't get
to call me Father.

I think the collar
sort of threw him.

Very astute.

And what are you,
a nuclear physicist?

He's the groom.

Lucky girl.
Come on.

Chester, for heaven's sake,

are we ready?

I guess we have to be, Jessie.

All right.

Billy, give me your arm.

Here we go.

Okay.

Daddy!

Sorry.

[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"
PLAYING]

MINISTER:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God
to join this man

and this woman
in holy matrimony,

If any person
can show just cause

why they may not lawfully
be joined together,

let him now speak or else
hereafter hold his peace.

Pool house.

[COUGHS]

Are you through?

Oh, excuse me.

Do you, Eunice, take this man

to be your lawful
wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Dutch, take Eunice

to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Good.

By the authority vested in me

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Good day.

Kiss the bride.

GUESTS:
Aww.

Congratulations, Dutch.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry we're late, everybody.

Late? What,
are you crazy?

You missed the whole thing.

Where you been?

You mean, you didn't hear?

What, hear want?

Uh, Bob, maybe this
is not the best time.

You didn't... you didn't
see today's paper?

Bob...

Oh, show him the paper.

Uh...

Dad, listen, I'll...

I'll show the paper later.

Give me the paper here,

What's this here?

What's going on?

Burt!

Burt!

He did it.

This isn't what it looks like.

What's going on?

Come on, Mare, nothing.
There's nothing.

Dan, tell her.

Right.

You see, it's nothing.

Those girls.
What does this mean?

Who are those girls?

Girls?

Girls... She thinks...
she thinks they're girls.

Go on, tell her.

Right.

You see, Mary, there's
always an explanation.

Oh, boy!
Let's see this here.

Oh, it's time to go here.

Uh, Dutch, Eunice,

uh, all the happiness...

Um, Mare, I love you very much,

buy yourself some clothes here.

Now, uh, Dan?
Right.

There you go.

There's a little
scandal in there.

It's no big deal.

I mean, scandals
happen everyday.

I'm telling you, there's
nothing to worry about.

People don't remember,

they don't read
the papers anymore.

Believe me, nobody
knows, nobody cares.

Trust me, I guarantee this.

Be back in a little while.

MAN:
That's him!

Get him, get him!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

See?

And you were worried.

Mare, I'm telling you.
Please, Mare.

I'm telling that we...

We were unconscious
the whole time.

We didn't even know we were in

one of those adult motels
with six gorgeous girls

till we saw
those pictures later.

Burt, please don't
explain it again.

I believe you.

Mare, come on.
You do?

I do.

Then, uh, you're not really mad?

Of course not.

[SLAMS]

Well, good.

I didn't enjoy it, Mare.
I'm telling you.

I know in the pictures
we're laughing,

I can't explain that laughing,
the laughing I don't know about.

Maybe they gave us laughing gas.

Stop explaining it!

I believe you!

Can't you believe me
when I say that I believe you?

Yeah, sure, Mare,
I-I believe you.

But why are you upset?

I'm not upset!

Oh, that's good.

Maybe you're right.
I mean,

what's one little
newspaper article, right?

I mean, people forget
the other time...

I'm sure they're setting up type

for today's new scandal
over there.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Yeah, this is Sheriff Campbell.

Hey, wait a minute, lady.

Wait, I was unconscious
the whole time.

I... Wait a minute.
Wait. Hey, miss,

What is your name, anyway?

I refuse to justify my life
to a total stranger.

Hung up.

That's it?

That's what's gonna
keep happening?

No, Mare.
Come on. Please.

How many crackpots can there be
in one little town like this,

who have nothing
better to do than to...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No, the pervert
isn't in right now.

Perhaps I could help you.
This is the pervert's wife.

Mare, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I told Tibbs off

and brought all this
down on our heads.

I'm not mad at you for that.

I am proud of you for that.

And you still love me?

Of course.

Oh, hey, Mare.
Don't touch me, Burt.

[RINGS]

I'm in a very bad mood
over here.

He hung up.
Why does everybody hang up?

Boy, people.

Boy, they never give you a call

to give you a pat
on the back, huh?

I mean, you could have
a well-trimmed lawn for years,

nobody ever calls up and says:
"Hey, love your lawn."

[RINGS]

All right, Mare.

I'll take care of the calls.

Okay, Mare. Mare.

Oh, Mare, I can't undo
the damage I've done.

At least I can move out.
I'm sorry.

Burt, stop, you idiot.
I don't want you to move out.

You don't?

Of course not.

[SLAMS]

I hear the words, but, you know,
I'm not really convinced here.

Why didn't you mention this
to me when it happened?

Why didn't you mention
the moment that that man

started blackmailing you?
I am upset with you

because you didn't
share this with me.

I'm upset because you've
been going through this

all by yourself,
with no one to help you.

Mare, I didn't tell you because
I was afraid you'd get mad.

Now you're mad
because I told you.

You think that I am the type
who gets into a huff

just because her husband
is found in bed

with six nude girls?

Give me more credit than that.

Mare, I was afraid
that you'd leave me,

and I couldn't
stand that thought

because I'm so crazy about you
and you're so wonderful.

Seems reasonable.

[DIAL TONE PULSES]

All right, Mare, Mare, Mare.

[RINGS]

Same to you!

Oh, Mare.

Mare, I can't put you
through this anymore,

I'm gonna just resign.

No, you're not.

You're staying in office
till they drag you out of it.

We're going to prove
that you were framed.

Together, we can do anything.

You betcha, toots,
we can do anything.

You and me here,
come on, we'll...

we'll just to expose Tibbs
as the little rotten crook

little blackmailer he is, Mare.

We'll fix him, eh?

We'll fix his wagon for good.

How?

[♪]

Oh, Saunders,
we're not all here.

I've been aware of that
since my first day.

Oh, boy!

That looks real good.

Next time, why don't you just
open your mouth

and I'll lob one in.

Mother, how can you
just let that woman

move into the pool house
with Daddy?

Darling, as far
as I'm concerned,

Daddy is just a nice tenant
who does the gardening

and fishes leaves
out of the pool.

But, to invite her here

to eat off of our good china!

Eunice, we're still a family.

I mean, just because
things changed doesn't mean

that we're not a family anymore.

I mean, why should Billy
give up a father

just because I gave up
a husband?

Hi, everybody!

You all know Annie, of course.

Hi!

Hello.
Hi.

Hi!

Thanks for asking us over
to the big house, Jess.

It's such a nice change
from the card table

at the pool house.

Oh, Mrs. Tate,
I love this house.

Sorry, it doesn't go with Daddy.

Well, look who's here.

Major...

Tardiness at mess
is never tolerated!

So, his little way
of saying "howdy."

Hey, Annie long time no see,

What's new?

Oh, not much.
What's new with you?

Not much, not much.

Oh, I married.

I think Annie knows that, Dutch.

She was the maid of honor
at our wedding.

Yes, and you looked lovely
in your gown, dear.

Oh, how could you tell?

She was out of it
in about seconds.

Well, what's wrong, Eunice?

Did I break your old record?

Pool filter
in good working order, Chester?

Crackerjack, Jess.

There's no need
to be jealous, Eunice.

Jealous? I'd say the shoe's
on the other foot, fatty.

"Fatty"?

You are calling me "fatty"?

In college, we used to have
to grease her hips

to get her through the doors.

Why, you little...

JESSICA:
Girls.

No choking at the table.

Everyone sit down.

I want to make
a little announcement.

I have been conferring
with Dr. Hill,

and I have totally accepted
what he had to say,

and I certainly hope
that you can.

But, I'm afraid I am going
to be leaving you soon.

[SOBBING] Oh no!

Why you?

Dutch. Dutch,
I'm just going away

on get-well trip,
that's all.

Oh!

Dr. Hill says that
I need a little rest

and for some reason, he thinks

there's too much stress
in this house.

What a peculiar notion.

So he's prescribed
a little vacation

to one of those tiny islands
in the ocean.

Which one?

The Atlantic.

No, no.

I mean, which island?

Oh, that I don't know.
But on the map

it's the third dot in
from the left.

Oh, that would be Malaguay.
That's it.

Malaguay!
But I don't know if I should go.

Why not, Jess?

Well, I'll worry.

Suppose Leslie tried
to k*ll Billy again?

No, she won't.

Besides, she always misses.

She always misses you.

Look, Mom, I've got Dad.

Right.

And Dutch.
Right.

And Saunders.

Pass.

Anyway, I'm never alone.
They watch me all the time.

I can't even go the bathroom
without somebody going with me.

Oh, Billy.

You get used to that
in prison after a while.

I mean, the toilet's
right out there

practically in the middle
of the cell.

Thank you for sharing that.

After a while,
you just keep on gabbing

or playing cards, right Dad?

Let it go, Dutch.

Now, I want all of you
to try to get along

while I'm gone.

You should take care
of each other,

and be nice to each other,
Eunice.

All right, Mother.

I'm sorry, Annie.

I guess I was just so...

so...

So full of hate, so...

And...

and hating and just so...

so full of hate.

[SCREAMING]

Be sweet... be sweet girls.
No, no.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GIGGLING]

Psst, psst.

[IMITATES BIRD CALL]

Red.

Hey, Red!

Hi.

Red.

Would you come here please?

I need your help.

Is something wrong?

Would you scratch
my nose, please?

I beg your pardon?

I am chained to the seat.

You don't find
the seatbelt enough?

Please, scratch my nose.

Oh, yes.
Well, of course.

Ay, que bueno.

Ah, mm, gracias.

Gracias.

Red, please, before you go,

could you do me
one more favor, please?

Mm-hm.

I have a key in my mouth.

Now, I'm going to
spit it into your hand.

Oh, no, I don't think I...

Please, please, please,
you must help me.

The fate of the free world
depends upon this!

The whole world?

Si.

Well, then why don't you
just spit it in this cup.

Who are you?

Carlos Marcello David
Escobar Rodriguez Valdez.

Also known as El Puerco.

El Puerco?

The Pig.

I see.

I am a guerrilla.

Well, you are kind of
large and hairy,

but I'd hardly say a gorilla!

No, I am leader
of the resistance

of the land to which you go.

Oh!

I fleed, then I went to Miami,

and yesterday
I was captured in Wolfies.

They bring me back now
to be ex*cuted.

Why?

Because they are afraid
of El Puerco.

Because I fight to destroy

the dirty, filthy,
disgusting communism.

Because I give hope
to democracy,

the free world,
and united fruit.

Red.

You must free me.

Take the key and open my chains.

Please.
I will do the rest.

Please, Red.

If not for democracy,

then for my life.

Okay.

Red, gracias.

Now, you must go back
to your seat

and pretend that you
do not know me.

Sure, okay.

It's very important.

Psst, psst.

I'll get you for this!

I'll get you for this.

You dropped your thing.

Gracias.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[PLEADING
IN SPANISH]

Sit down!

Hands up!

Red, you are an angel.

Yes.

Do you know,
when the plane lands,

my men are going to meet us?

Oh, I wonder, would they mind

dropping me at my hotel?

Red, I'm afraid
that is impossible.

Why?

Well, because, you see,
everyone on this plane

has witnessed your act
of great courage.

Olé!

Silencio!

You see, now they think
you are one of us.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Red,
but I am afraid now

you must come with me.

ANNOUNCER: Now that Chester is
living with Annie in the pool house,

will Eunice continue
to welcome her into the family,

or will she feel a twinge of
bitterness from time to time?

Now that the p*rn pictures
are published,

and Burt and Danny
have been railroaded,

will the good citizens
of Dunn's River

run our boys out of town
on a rail?

And now that Jessica's vacation
has been cut short

by the revolutionaries,

will she ever
see her family again?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of SOAP.

[♪]