04x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Danny.

Danny, we have to have
a little talk.

Yeah, what's up, Burt?

You got this whole town
in an uproar.

Forty-two tickets
for tailgating?

You should've seen that mess.

It was a potential nightmare.

They can't help it
if they're bumper to bumper.

It's rush hour!

I don't make the laws.
I just enforce them.

Danny, look, please, if you
wanna ride shotgun for me,

you gotta have something
in the barrel.

"You gotta have something
in the barrel."

I love that.

No, Danny, please,
I'm talking about,

you have to learn
how to interpret the law.

All right, now for example, say
somebody does something wrong.

Not a lot wrong, a little wrong.

Now, suppose the wrong-doer
is a right guy.

Well, now, there's a fine line
between right and wrong.

And sometimes,
you have to let a person have

the right to be wrong.

Am I right, or am I wrong?

Absolutely.

Now, listen to this, Burt.

I'm afraid to.

Fact. There have been two
murders in the last four years

in Dunn's River. Fact!

Both of those murders
have gone unsolved.

What is the point?

Don't you see?

The writing's on the wall.

Those victims were k*lled
in the same place.

Danny, what are you
talking about?

Sam Ogilvie
was k*lled on North Street.

Old Man Jennings,
they found on Melrose.

How can you tell me
that they were k*lled

in the same place?

Look at the map.

There's North...

and there's Melrose.

Those murders took place
less than an inch apart.

Hello, Burt.

Oh, Chester, Dutch,

how you doing?

Fine, just fine.

Look, if you guys are here
to see your parole officer,

Wally's not here on Tuesdays.

That's not why we're here.

We wanna make a deal.

Shut up, Dutch.

Burt...

You're one heck of a guy.

Thanks, Chet.

It's been nice talking to ya.

Giving up a prospering business
to help the community.

You're one heck of a guy,
Burt Campbell.

What do you want, Chester?

I beg your pardon?

What do you want, Chester?

Burt, I'm taken back.

What do you want, Chester?

What could I possibly want?

We wanna buy your
construction company.

Would you put a lid on it?

Burt, because you're
one heck of a guy,

Dutch and I are willing

to take Campbell & Son
Construction off your hands.

[DANNY LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, can you picture
Chester welding girders

in a three-piece suit, eh?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't weld girders.

That's what I have Dutch for.

I'll be busy keeping my eye
on the cash flow.

Ooo-hoo-hoo!

Chester, you're an embezzler.

Burt, this is no time
to nitpick.

Burt, do you remember when we
had the big blizzard,

and I had Benson
dig your car out?

Mm-hm.

Will ya give me the company?

No, that's...

I don't think so, Chester.

Burt, Burt, Burt.

I think that you will find
this bid sufficient.

Guys look, please,
I don't know...

[LAUGHS]

Chester, are you crazy?

Tirali Construction Company
offered us double that.

We'll triple it!

Blithering idiot!

What are you yelling at me for?

You said it's worth five times

what we're offering 'em.

Have you heard
from your brain lately?

Wait a minute, guys.
Come on, relax.

I don't know if I wanna sell.

I mean, for a couple of reasons.

For one thing, I'm not gonna
be wearing this badge forever,

and secondly, something
you don't understand is,

it's my company.

I worked my whole life
to have my name mean something.

And today, all the name
Campbell means, is... soup.

Burt, you'll still retain...
percent of the company.

I don't think so.

percent!

Burt, may I borrow
one of your pistols?

Wait, guys, wait a minute.

I don't know what to do.

Let me have a conference

with my associate, all right?

[SIGHS]

Danny, Danny.

Look, now, look,

I don't know.

I am very skeptical.

What do you think?

About what?

My partner and I have conferred,
and we think this idea

is a ridiculous idea.

Very well. If that's
the way you feel about it,

I'm certainly not going to beg.

Come along, Dutch.

Oh, Burt, please!

Please give me that company!

Please let me have
the company, Burt.

Oh, please.
Pretty please!

What do ya say?
Should I hose him down?

Come on, big guy, get up!

You're making a fool
of yourself.

Look guys, I know
what you're thinking,

that I'm a m*rder*r, right?

No, I can live with that.

Ditto.

That I escaped from prison?

Don't be silly.

Psshh.

That Chester is a lowlife.

BOTH:
Well...

Shut up.

Look, I know I'm asking
for a break

that I don't deserve.

But I'm turning my life around.

I got a wife now,
and I wanna have a family.

This is my only sh*t, Burt,

and I'm gonna make good on it.

I give ya my word.

Come on, Dutch, please.
I don't want...

I'm in a very funny
position here.

Chester... eh?

I'd like to confer
with my associate again.

Absolutely, confer.

Thank you, Burt.

I mean that.

Thank you.

I told you this would be
a piece of cake.

Danny, look, I don't know.

I just... I don't
trust him.

I know he means well,

and I know we could keep
an eye on him, but still...

You know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

But your mother,
she'd never forgive me

if I let this poor guy
go on to welfare.

Uh-huh.

Chester, right?

Yeah, Chester.

But he's a crook.
He's an embezzler.

But he's family.

Do you know what I mean?

Not at all.

It's like talking to a wall.

Excuse me, I...
Look, guys...

You got a deal.

Oh, thank you, Burt.

Thank you.

Oh, Chester, don't do that.

All right, now, on one
condition here, Dutch.

You're the president.

It's a deal.

President? Burt!

The guy has an IQ
lower than his shoe size.

Burt, ya won't regret it.

Chester, pay him.

All right.

This is an I-owe-you.

I-owe-you? You're not gonna
pay me anything?

What, you're serious?

Where would I get
that kind of money?

Hey, Burt,

don't worry.

We ain't got the money yet,
but... we'll earn it.

That's right!

Come on, Dutch, let's
get down to the pier

and get that steel shipment.

Whoa, wait.
What steel shipment?

The cheap stuff from Hong Kong.

The buildings will look
the same.

They'll just...
sway a little.

[♪]

El!

Aah! Oh, oh!

Oh, El. Let me
take over for a while.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You insult my manhood.

Why, El?

Let a woman huff and puff
and strain her little arms,

while Carlos El Puerco Valdez,
he sit around and do nothing?

No, no, no.

Well, at least
let me take one oar,

and I'll sit beside you
for a while.

Oh, that's all right.

You know, I...

I did miss you
while you were sleeping,

my little chilly pepper.

El, think we could just
dip into our food supply again?

Ay, querida, there is only
two breath mints left.

I see...

Well, could we just
have a little sip of water?

The canteen, she is empty.

She is?
Yeah.

Oh, El, why didn't
we plan this better?

We should've had a big yacht
standing by, you know,

just in case
the revolution failed.

Oh, no, no.

That would be negative thinking.

Uh, true.

But we would've had
food and water,

and we would've had
some warm clothes.

Oh, El, I am so cold.

Here, hold me.

Ah, no, no, no,
we can't do that.

No-no-no,
we are not married.

I only want to keep warm, El.

Yes, but you might lead me
to the impure thoughts.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

How could I desecrate you,
my Madonna? No.

Well, you could desecrate
me a little.

No, no, no, no, no,
we cannot sin,

being so close to death.

Death?

Well, it doesn't look good.

Just think about it, you know?

A few more days
in this scorching sun,

and your tummy is gonna swell.

Your hair will frizz up.

Your eyeballs will be b*rned

and pop out of your head.
And you'll probably die.

My hair will frizz up?

Well, mine does.

Oh, El, look!

It's the light, the dawn.

Oh El, after the darkness
came the dawn.

First we freeze,
and then we fry.

There's got to be land
out there somewhere.

There just has to be.

Sure.

Well... there will be.

In the meantime, El,

we have to keep our spirits up.

Ha-ha! Yeah.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream ♪

I know that.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

[SINGS IN SPANISH]

[♪]

[CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING]

Stay behind the line.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

Okay, mister, that's it.

I'm closing.
You're a ringer.

What?

You're a pro, a hustler.

I'll take three more balls.

Hey, pal, I told you,
I'm closing.

You can't close.

Article two, paragraph one
of the Carnival Act,

and I quote: "As long as
you got prizes and patrons,

you gotta let 'em play."

Really?
Yeah.

You're wiping me out, pal.
What do you want from me?

Look, I told you,
I'm not leaving

till I get a little information.

Jodie, Jodie, this is Fluffy,

the carnival's
half man, half dog.

He responded when I showed him
the picture of Carol.

[BARKING AND PANTING]

You know her?

[BARKS EXCITEDLY]

I think you're supposed
to give him a treat.

You know this girl?

Have you seen her lately?

Here, here, give him that.

Give it to him.

[YELPS]

What was that?

Certs.

You give a dog Certs?

What, I'm supposed to carry
around a box of Liver Snaps?

[GROWLS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
are you talking to me?

Listen, listen, boy,
you wanna fetch?

You want to fetch?

You want to fetch?

Listen, tell me where
the girl in the picture is.

She's in China.

Look, Maggie,
this isn't gonna work out.

I don't think so.

Listen, uh, thanks
for your time, huh?

Here ya go, here ya go, boy.

All right, listen,
three more balls. Let's go.

Come on, go pitch baseballs.

They got some new
teddy bears in there today.

I told you, I'm not leaving
till I get a little information.

But don't you understand?
I'm a carnie. We live by a code.

You could burn my eyes out.

You could stick my head under
water. You could even audit me,

but I'll never talk.

How about if I give you
your dolls back?

What do you wanna know?

Look at the picture.
Do you know this girl?

Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.

Look pal, I don't give a damn
about your code.

That's my daughter
we're talking about.

Either you give me
the information,

or I'll stuff these dolls
down your fat throat.

She was working with Zippo,
the fire-eater.

What about the baby?

Oh, you mean Wendy?

That's my little girl.

Cute kid.

She worked real well
with the midgets.

All right.

Last I heard, they was runnin'
a tamale stand somewheres.

First cowboys and clowns,
dog people,

and now she's with
a Mexican fire-eater,

and she almost got custody
because I'm gay?

Listen, where did this normal
American couple run off to?

Albuquerque.

Where in Albuquerque?

You go up to Highway .
You come to cross in the road.

You take the right cross.
You stay on your left.

You go as far as you can.
You can't miss it.

Other than that,
I'm not tellin' yous nuthin'.

Let's go.

Wait, hold it.

It's for Wendy.

[♪]

[SIGHS]

El.

Hm? Yes, Red?

Isn't there anything
left to eat?

Well, there's just one Tic Tac.

You take it.

No, you take it.

No.

All right, we'll share it.

Mm-hm.

Ah... I...

I will bite her in two.

[GASPS]

Oh!

I feel like
such a stupid-o.

You know, I lose the revolution.

I lose our way, and now
I lose our last Tic Tac.

Don't fret, El.

I doubt that it would have
tided us over, anyway.

I also lost my three Juans.

El... tell me the truth.

We're going to die soon,
aren't we?

Yes, Jess.

Are you saying, "Jess, Jess"
or "Yes, yes" or "Yes, Jess"?

Jess?

Yes?

Sí!

Oh, dear. I was hoping
not to die again so soon.

This vacation hasn't been
very much fun for you, has it?

Well, I don't have
any regrets, really,

except that I had
hoped to buy some baskets.

Oh, El, I am so hungry.

Oh-ho.

If only we could just
catch a fish.

Aah!

[GASPS]

You know, I have been
praying all my life,

and never have I got
results like that before.

Oh!
Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it was a catch boat.

Here, let me get that from ya.

Oh!

It's a beauty!
My first catch!

Mom!

No!

Billy!

Billy!

Oh, Billy, can it be true?

Oh, no, it can't be true.

I'm just wishing it.
I'm just imagining it...

Mom, mom, it's me,
Feel me, feel me, I'm real.

Oh, Billy, you're
made out of rubber.

No, it's a wet suit.

How did you get here?

Well, that's a long story.

But how did you get here
in the middle of the Atlantic?

Now, I know your swimming

couldn't have improved
that much.

No, Mom, I'm staying
at the Club Med Martinique.

We're just a few yards
from the beach.

See?

Aah!
Matinique! Ah!

I knew it was around here
some place!

See that? I got us here
without a compass.

El Puerco, lord of the sea!

Mom, do you know this guy?

My manners.
I'm so sorry.

This is my dear friend,

Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar
Rodriguez El Puerco Valdez.

El, this is my son, Bill.

Your son is a shiny,
bald black man?

Billy, I am so proud of you,

taking time out of your vacation

to come and rescue us.

No, I'm not vacationing, Mom.

I left home to find you,

only the plane couldn't
land in Malaguay

because of the revolution.

I would like to express
the gratitude

of a grateful nation.

But I... don't have a nation
at this moment.

However, I soon will.

So for now, let me kiss you
in a manly way.

Ha-ha, no,
that's okay. Thanks.

However, from this moment
and henceforth,

I dub you... General Billy,

Sobrino del Puerco.

What does that mean?

"Nephew of the Pig."

Oh, how sweet.

[♪]

Hey Gwen, come on out.
I got something to eat.

See you next week, Gwen.

Hi.

How ya doin'?

Okay, Dr. Yalowich.
Take care.

Hi!

When did you come in?

Is that all you have to say?

"Hi, when did you come in?"

What's the matter?

Who the hell was that?

Dr. Yalowich, he's a regular.

A regular what?

Client.
What's the matter with you?

You're asking me
what's the matter with me?

I'm trying to keep you safe,
and you're in there making love

with a Quarter Pounder!

He doesn't even touch me.

We play a game called Fast Food.

I'm the grill girl.

He just lays there, and I turn
him over every few minutes.

That's all.

Oh.

Well, don't I feel foolish?

And here I was thinking
it was something ridiculous.

Danny.

How can you do that?

It's my job.

Indiscriminate sex with anybody
who's got the money?

No, not indiscriminate.

If I don't like a guy,
I don't take him on.

You don't believe me, do you?

Hey, it's no concern of mine
how you make your living.

I think you're jealous.

Jealous! Ha!

Oh, that's funny.
Very, very funny.

Jealous.

[LAUGHS]

Me, jealous?

Boy, that's a laugh.

I'm laughin'. Ha.

Do you wanna make love to me?

I'm a cop, Gwen.

I'm a good cop.

I'm honest. I'm clean.

I try and make this town
safe for everyone.

Yes.

Okay.

But I can't.

Look, could you just promise me
to shut down operations

until this whole thing
blows over?

You're the first guy
who ever asked me not to do

what they normally pay me to do.

Promise me.

Okay, I promise.

I won't hook
until you say it's okay.

[SIGHS] Great.

That's a big load off my mind.

You really do?

What?

Wanna make love?

Yeah, but I can't.

I mean, I can.

I just, uh... won't,
ya know?

No.

You see, I would be
committing a crime.

I'm a cop.

Yeah, I would have to arrest
myself, and frankly,

I don't think I could do it.

You know, knowing me, I'd
probably try and set an example,

and I'd throw the book at me,
and then where would I be?

I could just
give me a reprimand.

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Billy has rescued Jessica and El,

will they all make it home
safely to Connecticut?

Will Jess and Billy
become bilingual?

Now that Chester and Dutch

are in the construction
business,

will it give their lives
a new foundation?

Now that Danny and Gwen
are thinking of making love,

will Danny have to throw
the book at himself?

Will Jodie and Maggie
have any luck

at the tamale stand
in Albuquerque,

or will they just get heartburn?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of SOAP.

[♪]