04x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Daddy, why are you
carrying on like this?

I absolutely refuse to live
under the same roof with a man

known as El Porko.

[LAUGHING] Hey, big guy,
that's El Puerco, not El Porko.

It means pig in Spanish.

Puerco is pig in Spanish.

This guy is Spanish, so they
don't call him the Pig.

They call him El Puerco.

If he was from France,
they'd call him Le Porc.

In Italy, he'd just be
plain ol' Porco.

Jewish is hassar.

Russian is svinya.

Greek is gourouni.

And German is schwein.

Daddy, I'm surprised at you.

Why?

Because you should be happy

that mother and Billy are coming
home safe and sound.

I know.

I should be.

And yet...

Hey, Eunice is right, honey.

So, let's all just
try to get along together.

Right, Eunice?

Oh, stop it,
Ms. Congeniality.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Mother!

Oh, thank God!

Jessica, Billy, family.

Oh, God!

Chester was so worried
about you.

We didn't know what to do.

[WHIMPERING]
We didn't move one bit.

Hello, Chester!

And you. How dare you
kidnap a man's wife,

take her off
to a jungle somewhere

with b*ll*ts flying everywhere,

throw her into a rowboat
in the middle of the ocean

with no food, no hot water.

I have half a mind to call you
a very dirty name.

Ay, querida,
look who's talking.

Have you not maligned
this lady, eh?

Mujeriego.

What did you call me?

Hot trousers.

It's a good thing
I don't know Spanish.

First of all, she has told me
all about your fooling around

and frankly I want to
vomitar, comprende?

Is that so?

Yes, you flirt all over
the place, don't you?

In your mohair sweaters and your
hair like Ben Cartwright?

So don't talk to me
about mistreating your wife.

And by the way,
she is no longer your wife.

That's right.

She's not yours to treat like
a concubina.

She is my girlfriend.

And if you ever touch her again,
I will k*ll you.

[SQUEALS]

Annie, say hello to Jess.

Welcome back, Mrs. Tate.

Thank you, dear.

We've really missed you.

Well, that's because
I wasn't here Annie.

Come on, El,
make yourself right at home.

Ah, Billy.

Oh, hi, Dad!

Ah, Billy...

I want you to know
how proud I am of you,

putting your mother's welfare
and security before yourself.

Here's a dollar.

Thanks Dad, but I have no need
for money anymore.

Really? How odd.

Give it back.

I found something
more important than money.

Something I can hold on to
through all of my life.

Courage, bravery, honor.

Power.

I have make him a general.

I'm going upstairs
to my quarters

and plan our counter
att*ck on Malaguay.

Call me in time for Chips.

Billy, I absolutely forbid you
to att*ck a third-world nation.

I'm sorry, Dad.
I outrank you.

Oh, my manners.
El, I want you to meet my family.

Ah, and such a delightful
family you have.

You know, in my country,
we have a name

for families such as this.

Oh, what is that?

Familia.

I see.

Mrs. Tate.

Oh, hello, Saunders!

I'm very pleased
you have returned.

Thank you, thank you.

I have one question,
however.

What?
Why?

[LAUGHING] Saunders.
Saunders, this is El.

El, Saunders.

Saunders, El.

How do you do?

I want you to know that we are
all brothers under this skin,

and you should never feel any
different from anyone else

in this room.

Please, it's the only
solace I have.

Hi there!

Hi there!

Oh, this is my darling
daughter, Eunice.

Ah, Eunice, beautiful name
for a beautiful lady.

You know, it is Greek, and it
means happy, victorious one.

[GIGGLING]
Oh!

But, you know, in my country
we have a little bird

that we call pequeño pájarito.

You are that little bird.

How lovely!

And what does
pequeño pájarito mean?

It means "little bird."

Hi! I'm Annie.

Annie, you are a flower.

A flow-- Oh, thank you.

Annie is
my husband's girlfriend,

whom we met
at my daughter's wedding,

and they are living
in the pool house together.

Your husband's girlfriend?

Uh-huh.

Oh, well, then I will
call you la ramera.

Oh, that's so pretty.

What's it mean?

Slut.

That's it.

That's it, Zorro.

Now you have done it.
Now you have really done it.

Stealing a man's wife,
turning his son against him--

That I can take, all of that.
Maybe I deserve that.

But insulting
the woman that I love.

Man, you are in it.

Now, listen here, you twerp,
Carlos "El Puerco" Valdez

has never in his life
insult the dignity of a lady

unless she insult herself first.

Fine, I accept your apology.

Oh, uh, Eunice, what was all
that little bird stuff about?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, you're so delicate,
so fragile.

What a load of burritos.

Oh, here's Daddy.

Daddy, say hello.

Goodbye.

Daddy.

Forward my mail to Churchill.

I'll be staying at his place
for a few years.

Daddy, what is the matter?

A treaty is one thing,
but to live under the same roof

with this fascist!
Goodbye.

Daddy, El is not a fascist.

Generalísimo Franco
isn't a fascist?

Sir, you have me confused
with someone else.

I'll be Frank, Franco...

[SPITS]

Oh, Daddy.

Lunchtime.

Where do we pitch
the tent?

What the hell is this?

Oh, Chester. Chester, I want you
to meet my dear friend, Juan.

Uh, this is also Juan,
whom I do not know very well,

but any friend of Juan's
is a friend of mine.

Uh, this is also Juan.

Juan and Juan are cousins.

However, Juan and Juan
are not related at all.

Juan, everybody.
Everybody, Juan.

Hello.

Juan, everybody.
Everybody, Juan.

Juan, everybody.
Everybody, Juan.

Hi!

Jess, who are they?

My band of merry men.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

You see, Chester, they were lost
at sea for days and nights,

and then finally,
they were rescued

by the Bumble Bee tuna boat.

Oh, it was just awful. Then--

Jess!

Would you tell your band
of merry men

to bivouac somewhere else?

Or what?

Or...they can stay here.

Oh, El.

Yes.

El, why do they
call you El Puerco?

Is the pig a sacred animal
in your country?

Oh, well, they call me El Puerco
because I like el puerco.

And the pig is not sacred,
but it is . a pound.

We've set up camp,
El Puerco.

Ah, excellente!

Red, I would love it
if you and your lovely family

could join me and my men
for lunch, eh?

Yes, for today,
El Puerco is serving el puerco.

We are what we eat.

General!

Uh, sir, with all due respect
to your daughter, um...

What the hell
is the matter with you?

I know what you're thinking.
Why am I still here?

El, I think maybe I should
explain about Daddy--

Generalísimo Franco, an ally of
Germany, of Japan, of Italy...

Why do I owe you a debt
of gratitude?

Well, it has cross my mind.

Because you have shown me that
a leopard can change his spots.

Major, what on earth
are you--

Don't you realize what this man
has done, you nitwit?

He has captured
Mussolini.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
You could win...

a new car!

[APPLAUSE ON TV]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

You didn't let me finish
my knock.

Sorry, finish it.

[KNOCKS ONCE]

That's better.
Now you're sure it's me.

I saw you
through the peephole.

Nah, that's not foolproof,

one of Tibbs' guys might have
put on a Danny Dallas mask.

Flowers.

The old ones
aren't dead yet.

Candy?

Gives me zits.

Fried wanton.

Coming out of my ears.

Books.

Terrific.

And a puzzle.

I hate puzzles.

Something is bothering you,
right?

Yeah, something is
bothering me.

Flowers! Every day flowers.
I don't like flowers.

I got sinuses.
My nose is closing up.

I can't breathe with flowers.

I feel like I got a salami
stuffed up my nostrils,

and every day you give me
flowers and candy

and books and puzzles
and records.

Who the hell are you,
Captain Kangaroo?

May I tell you something?

What?

I'm trying to be pleasant,

and frankly, you're not
being a very good sport.

Look, Danny,
you are outside all day long.

You're giving out
parking tickets.

You're arresting people.

I am cooped up in here
like a parakeet,

so don't tell me
about attitude.

I'm protecting you.

You're driving me
crazy.

Someone may be trying
to k*ll you.

Well, if I don't get
out of here very soon,

somebody may be
trying to k*ll you.

It's my job, Gwen.

And that's all it is too.

Oh, yeah?

I happen to be crazy
about you.

Well, I don't want you to be
crazy about me.

I'm sorry.
That's the way I feel.

So, don't feel, okay?

Leave me alone.

Why should I?

Because no matter how much
you say you like me,

I feel double that for you,
and I don't wanna...

because I'm gonna
wind up loving you,

and you're not gonna
wind up loving me.

Is that why you've
been acting so crazy?

Maybe.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen you.

I keep you locked up
in this motel room.

I forbid you to see anybody,
talk to anybody,

I don't make love to you.
I hardly even look at you.

Now how can you say
I don't love you?

You do?

No.

Well, what if I do?
Is there a law against it?

Um, ahem, well, it's just that
I'm not exactly the kind of girl

a person right away brings home
to meet Mother, you know?

Gin.

Yes, you are.

What?

Coming home to meet my mother.

Oh, whoa, Danny,
wait a minute.

Plus which,
you're moving in.

You'll have people
to talk to,

and Tibbs will never think
of looking for you there.

What a great idea?

First thing tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna tell my mother,

so don't object.

Who's objecting?
I'm packing.

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]

JODIE:
Hey, there's my room.

It's a nice room.

MAGGIE:
Here's your door.

And in we go.

All right.
That's it.

Get the light.
Very good.

Oh!

Uh.

[SLURRING]
Maggie, I should never have had the second helping of...

guacamole.

You never should've had
that fifth of tequila.

[SLURRING]
Oh, yeah. Whew.

Okay. Here you go.
Lay down.

Oh. Okay.

Just move over a little bit.

[GRUNTING]

Maggie, somebody
stole the bed.

Just hold on a second.
Here I come.

Okay.

Jodie, you know, you're not
gonna find Wendy in a bottle.

Yeah, well, we're
not gonna find Wendy, period.

Ah!

Come on, now don't
talk like that.

We are right on
the Carol's trail.

You heard what
the fire-eater said.

She left for Alaska
two days ago.

Yeah. But where
in Alaska?

Juno.

No, I don't know.
We don't even have a clue.

Juno.

Well, if I knew,
I must have forgot.

You're drunk, Jodie.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

Come on, come on, now.
You need your rest.

We'll get an early
start tomorrow.

That's it. Put your feet up.
There, there you go.

No, no, no, wait!

Come on, help me. That's it.

Okay.

Stay.

Okay? Now, you
go to sleep. All right.

Get a good night sleep.
I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.
Okay.

[SIGHS]

Where are you going?

To my room.

Do you want me to walk you?

Good night, Jodie.

Maggie, don't go...

I-- I wanna talk to you.

You're in no condition
to talk, Jodie.

You get some sleep.

We'll talk in the morning, okay?

No, Maggie,
I'll be sober in the morning,

and I won't be able to say
to you what I wanna say

if I am not drunk.

Okay...

What is it, Jodie?

I don't know if I can
tell you while I'm drunk.

Tell me.

I like you.

I like you, too, Jodie.

No, Maggie. I mean
I "like you" like you.

I get the picture.

An-- An-- And don't you think
that's a little strange,

coming from me?

I mean, I'm a cupcake.

The last time I felt
this way about somebody,

they had a beard.

Well, Jodie,
we have been spending

an awful lot of time
together lately,

and we have become very close.

And you've have had little
bit too much to drink tonight,

so, um, I think its natural
that you would feel this way.

No, Maggie, I like you
because you're a woman.

That's what so crazy.
You've got me thinking things

I never thought I'd think
about a woman.

Maggie, what did I just say?

You said, you like me
because I'm a woman.

That's what I thought I said.

Well, I might as well admit it.
I've been attracted to you too.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's 'cause
I couldn't have you.

I'm very good at that:

falling for impossible men.

You give me a married gay man
who lives in China...

I'm in love.

Well, forget it.

I don't fool around
with clients.

Yeah, and I don't
fool around with women.

Hello, sir, it's nice
to see you again.

Hello, Ben, how are you?

Uh, Burt, sir.
It's Burt.

What's Burt?

My name.

Of course, it is.

How are you?

I am fine, sir, I'm just--

I'm just fine. Uh...

Thank you very much
for making time to see me.

It's been so long
since I've been in church

that when I needed to talk,

I ran right back
to my old boyhood pastor.

And who is that?

Uh, you, sir.

Yes.

Well, I see that you've been
promoted as, uh, bishop.

Yes.

What's troubling you?

Uh, well, sir, I-- I think
I'm having a crisis of faith.

Now, I know I haven't been
to church in a long time,

but that doesn't mean
I haven't been a religious man.

I have been.
I truly have been.

But, lately I've been having
a lot of trouble believing, sir.

In what?

Uh, in God.

Of course.

Now, sir, you know, I really
don't like to question.

It's just that I'm having just
a lot of trouble understanding,

if you know what I mean.

I wanted to do good.
I wanted to help my fellow man.

So I ran for sheriff.

And now that I'm sheriff,
instead of him helping me,

he seems to be making things
really very, very difficult.

I-- I tried to clean up
this town, and what happens?

Winds up I get blackmailed.

People calling me on the phone,

sayin' terrible things to me
and my family.

I hardly ever seen my wife
and baby anymore.

I mean, where's the sense
in that, sir.

I mean, where's the logic?

This all may turn out to be
what I call an Alvin.

It's named after Harry Alvin.
I know you don't know who he is,

I don't know he is either.

Harry Alvin is some guy I just
read about in the newspaper.

He's like years old
and then last year

had two heart att*cks, kidney
failure, cerebral hemorrhage,

triple bypasses and survives.

And then
a couple of weeks ago...

uh, he was riding his bike
in the park,

and two guys jumped him,
m*rder*d him and took his bike.

I mean, you know, Harry Alvin

went through a whole year
of hell

and winds up getting sh*t
for his Schwinn.

Where is the sense in that?

Where's the logic?

[SIGHS]

That's what I call an Alvin,
and who knows,

this may turn out to be
an Alvin too.

I don't know.
What I'm saying here

is that it's these Alvins

that I don't understand.

It's these Alvins
that don't make sense

and are making me lose faith.

And that's why I came here
today, sir. That's it.

Sir.

S--

[♪]

Is this your answer?

ANNOUNCER:
Now that El Puerco and his three Juans will be living

in the Tate house, will Chester
learn how to tango?

Since Jodie and Maggie
have admitted

that their business
relationship maybe more

than just business, will it
hurt their relationship?

Now that Danny suggested
Gwen live with the Campbells,

will the shadow know?

Now that Burt has bored
the Bishop to death,

will he go to confession?

These questions
and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]