04x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Yes. What?

Jodie, I can't hear you.
Speak slowly.

It's a bad connection.

Did you find her?

What did he say?
Did he find her?

Where is he? When
is he comin' home?

Now, where the hell are they?

Chuck, could you keep it down?

Bob, will you eat something?
You'll feel better.

Eat... Who can eat?

Our baby is missing,
and you want me to eat?

Boys!

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

Any leads?

What?

Oh.

I see, no.

No leads! Did you
hear that? No leads!

Shh!

Jodie. Jodie,
when are you coming home?

Oh, wonderful!

Tonight.

Great.

Did you wear a warm jacket?

I'm not being a mother.
You're in Alaska.

It's very cold there.
Besides, I'm your mother.

Have you eaten?

Did you hear that? Wendy's
in Alaska. Oh, my God.

Listen, if he sees a pair of
a mukluk in a size two,

would you tell him to...

Quiet!

I'm sorry if I've been
treating you like a kid.

Don't forget
to buckle your seatbelt.

Bye.

Food.

I need food.

I'm upset.

I need to eat when I'm upset.

Some people go to a shrink.

I eat.

The money I've spent on Twinkies
alone could support Freud,

Jung and Joyce Brothers.

You got a healthy appetite.
Nothing wrong with that.

Oh, it's easy for you to say.

Men don't gain weight
like women do.

And if they do,
they lose it faster.

Men burn up twice
as many calories

as women doing
the exact same thing.

And they have less body fat.

God is a man.

Hi, Ma. Hey, guys.
Hey, Dan.

Oh, honey, he just called.
You just missed him.

Oh, damn!

If I wouldn't have stopped
for gas, I coulda talked to him.

Well, it's okay. He's fine,
and he'll be home tonight.

Oh, good.

Who we talkin' about?

Your brother.

Jodie!

Boy, the teller of reasoning.

You know, all she said
was your brother,

and he knew exactly
it was Jodie.

I've always been able
to do that.

Did Jodie find Wendy?

No.

Oh, poor guy.

I'd love to sit here and chat,
but we got a bowling tournament.

Get the balls, Chuck.

Bob, you're not playin'.

You always throw gutter balls.

I can't help it.
I can't help it.

I look down that alley,
I see those stands,

and I think I'm about
to knock off my entire family.

Well, you're not playin'.
That's it.

Okay, fine, fine.

I'll just sit at the bar

with that waitress
friend of yours

until she gets off work.

Michele?

Yeah.

The girl who can carry
two trays without her hands.

Well, maybe you can
play the first game.

I knew you'd see it my way.

See you all.

Uh, Ma...

I, uh... I hate
to have to tell you this.

I-I know it's not a good time.

Danny, I'm used to it.

It's never a good time
to tell me anything anymore,

so go ahead, tell me.

Well, i-i-it's not bad news, Ma.

In fact, it's really good news.

What?

I'm... in love.

Oh, Danny, that is wonderful.

I am happy for you.
[CHUCKLES]

She's a wonderful girl, Ma.

Oh, tell me all about her.
What's she like?

She's Caucasian, - ,
about pounds,

no distinguishing marks.

Sounds lovely.
Mm-hm.

Who is she?

Her name is Gwen.

She's a... local girl.

What does she do?

Well, she sorta works,
um... under cover.

Oh, she's a policewoman.

Hooker.

Ma.

Ma, it's...

Ma, it's not what you think.

Gwen only did it for the money,

and now, she doesn't
do it for anything.

She promised me.

Danny, you are not in love.

I am.

You are not.

You just got over Polly.

You were very lonely,

so you went to a prost*tute,
and you... You know.

Please, do not confuse
that with love.

But, Ma, I didn't, you know.

She's not that kinda girl.

You mean, you're in love
with a hooker

that you haven't even...
hooked?

You'll love Gwen.
Everybody does.

That's the problem.

Look, Ma.

I know, sometimes I don't
always make the best choices,

but I keep tryin',
and she makes me happy.

I know.

If you love her,
she's probably...

very nice.

Thanks, Ma.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Oh! There is one small thing
I guess I should tell you.

What?

Well...
[CHUCKLES]

somebody may be
tryin' to k*ll her.

Ten minutes, tops.
This will all be gone.

But it's okay, Ma.

See, I have her
in protective custody.

This poor thing, though.
She's...

She's really goi"
stir-crazy.

She needs to be around
other people.

Well, if somebody
were trying to k*ll me,

I'd probably feel the same way.

So it's okay?

What?

[BEEPING]

What's that?

My beeper.

My beeper's beeping.

[BEEPING STOPS]

I gotta go, Ma. Bye.

Danny, I... We have not
finished this conversation.

I gotta go, Ma.

I'm bein' beeped.

I've never been beeped before.

Burt is beeping my beeper.

Burt bought these beepers.

They're the best beepers
that bucks can buy.

I mean, when they beep,
they beep.

They weren't
cheap beepers either.

I believe this must be big
or Burt would never have beeped.

I better b*at it.

Oh, Ma, thanks.

For what?

For saying it's okay for Gwen
to live with us.

[GASPS]

Danny... Danny!

My gay son is in Alaska.

My straight son is in love
with a hooker.

My stepson is bowling
with a puppet.

[OVEN TIMER DINGS]

Hi!
Hi, Mary. Mwah.

Jess... why are you wearing
evening gloves?

To protect my skin.

From what?

From life.

I read this article,
Mary, once that said,

if you always keep
your skin covered,

it'll stay like a baby's tush.

I'm tryin' to invent
something now to cover my face

without looking like
the elephant man.

Here, Mary, have some.

Hm.

What are they?

Croissants.

These are croissants?

Yes, I made them myself.
Heh, heh.

Jess, croissants...
are crescent-shaped.

Mary, please, I was lucky
to get them off my gloves.

Now, Mary, we're going
to have a little toast.

What's the occasion?

Well,

I am officially divorced.

Oh, Jess, congratulations!

That is what one says, isn't it?

To the lawyers. They're
the ones that cleaned up.

Oh.
Mary, it is unbelievable.

Two men sat down
for a few hours,

shuffled some papers together
and walked away with a fortune.

Chester and I paid for
his lawyer's condo in Aspen

and my lawyers condo in Maui.

They're very happy. They're
going to trade once a year.

I would love to sue them.

Only it would mean hiring
another lawyer.

How does it feel to be divorced?

Exactly like it feels
to be married.

Only you don't have a husband.

Mary, there's something that
I just got to talk to you about.

Mary, El won't.

Won't what?

You know.

He won't?

Not unless we're married.

When I was , that's what
I said to Johnny.

[GIGGLES]

What did he do?

He married me.

Oh.

Well, that seems a little
drastic for one night of fun.

One night of fun? Please.

Sometimes you're lucky
you even know it happens.

I mean, I don't see
how that's quite possible,

unless, of course, you're
awfully caught up in a movie

or something, heh.

Once I did actually watch
Doctor Zhivago during...

[GIGGLES]

Oh, I love that film,

but every time I watch it,

I keep hoping that
it will end better.

I have something
to tell you, Jess.

See, I keep hoping that
she's going to see him

from the streetcar
and get to him before he dies.

Danny's in love with a hooker.

But it never happens.

Jess, she's a hooker.

No, Mary,
Rod Steiger forced her.

She only loved Zhivago.

No, Jess, not her.
Gwen.

Gwen?

Who's that Geraldine Chaplin?

No, Danny's girlfriend.

Danny?

That's not
a Russian name, Danny.

My Danny.

Our Danny.

Your Danny... Your Danny.
I... I thought...

Oh, I got confused.
Right, now.

Your Danny is in love
with a Russian hooker?

No, just a hooker.

Mary, I have an idea.

Do you suppose
that Danny's hooker

might give me some... tips?

On what?

Oh, you know, little ways
to interest El. Heh, heh.

What kind of tips?

Mary, I bet she knows
a lot of things.

I'd love to talk to...
Mary, invite her over. Go on.

I'll give her some croissants.

She's probably never
had them before.

Jess, take my advice.

Don't ask.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I guess it's kind of like
the Orange Julius' secret sauce.

They'll never tell you
what's in that either.

It's not so bad
when you think about it.

Corrine was married to a priest
who became a hermit.

Eunice is married to a m*rder*r.

You were married to a m*rder*r.

Now, you're with a dictator
in exile.

I am married to a chef
who was photographed

with six nude women.

Who am I to judge?

From what I can see,
Danny would be marrying up.

Jess, I am not going
to enjoy this.

Chester, it does not
matter a twit

whether or not you enjoy it.

You don't live here anymore.

A party for that madman.

Chester, there is no need
for you to be snitty.

Snitty?

Yes. El has lost
a whole revolution.

So either be cheery
or go to the pool house.

Yes, dear.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, Jess,
how are you...? Hello.

Whoa!

Security.

Sheriff.

Okay?

MAN:
All right.

All right.

Okay.

Hi, Mary, you look beautiful.

Oh, Jess, how adorable.

What a great look
for you! Yes?

This is Malaguayan casual.

Of course, Malaguayan
eveningwear's the same

as Malaguayan casual.

Only at night you have
to blacken your face

and put a few leaves
in your helmet.

[CHUCKLES]

Mrs. Tate, may I speak
with you a moment?

Yes, Saunders,
is something the matter?

There is a man in the kitchen

picking apart
the hors d'oeuvres.

Taking nibbles
out of everything.

Saunders, don't be
too harsh on him.

You see, that's his job.
He's looking for poison.

You mean, if he finds poison,
he'll stop?

Of course.

Excuse me.

Hey! Hey.

Security.

Some people may be trying
to k*ll El Puerco.

Security.

Some people may be tryin'
to k*ll El Girlfriend.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

Hi!

Sorry, I'm late.

I...fell in the pool again.

Oh, my baby got all wet.

Stop doing that.

Security.
Uh, she's okay.

'S okay.
All right.

All right.

Thank you.

What are you thanking him for?

I'm just trying to be polite.

Hi, everybody.
Hey, Mary.

Huh.

Oh!

[YELPS,
EXHALES]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hands off her!

Dutch, don't you have
any regard for security?

Oh!

Hey.

Easy, easy, you're...
You're taking off the finish.

Well, is he here?
Is the great one here?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Generalissimo, Billy Tate!

El Puercito.

It means little pig.

How sweet.

What on earth are you...

Silencier!

Uh, silencio, actually.

Are you correcting me?
Is that it?

Oh, no,
El Puercito, I... Silencio.

Huevos rancheros, Madre.

De nada, Billy.

Ah, Tia Maria.

Oh, Tio Burt.

Guadalajara.

Uh...

I think I'm packing a rod.
Heh, heh.

Whoa.

I think she's had enough.

Hi, everybody.

Jodie, my goodness,
we missed you.

Hi, Aunt Jess,
this is Maggie Chandler.

She's helpin' me...

You could at least
buy me a drink first.

Maggie, it's security.

You see, we believe someone
is trying to k*ll Carlos.

Also, uh, someone may be
trying to k*ll Gwen,

and since Leslie's
always tryin' to k*ll Billy,

we figure we'll be throwing
three stones at one bird.

See, there's always
an explanation.

And who are you?

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Well, I am here for ze party.

I'm going to help
serve ze foods, no?

Are you packing heat?

Pardon?

Hey, what's this?

Hey, you got a lot
of stuff under there.

Thank you.

[WHISPERS] Juan.

Psst.
Hey, imbecile.

[PLAYS ONE NOTE]

The ex-dictator of Malaguay,
the leader of the rebellion,

which was squashed in horrible
defeat by the Communist regime,

the exile,
beaten and defeated...

All right, already, huh?

Carlos Marcello...

Uh, Carlos Marcello...

What?
Davíd.

Carlos Marcello Davíd.

Carlos... Davíd.

Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar
Rodriguez "El Puerco" Valdez.

And here he is.

[ALL CLAPPING]

Hurray!
Hurray!

Viva, El Puerco.

Oh, hello, little one.

You know, he's very excited
to meet you, Señor Valdez.

You are his hero.
Really?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Gracias, gracias.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Uh, Chuck.
What are they saying?

[SNORTING] I don't know.

I don't speak Spanish.

[CARLOS SPEAKING
IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.

Ah, Jessica.
Beautiful, beautiful.

El, I want you to meet someone
who is very special to me.

This is my sister, Mary.

Your sister...?
Mary! How lovely.

You know, my blessed
mother's name was Mary.

You are beautiful, Mary.

Oh, thank you.

Well, your hair
is like the shining sun.

Gracias.

Well, I tell you,

your mother must have been
kissed by the angels

to have two such
beautiful daughters.

[WHISPERS] Fabulous.

El?
EL: Excuse me. Yes?

El, Dutch has been
practicing this all week.

Go ahead, Dutch.

[RECITING IN SPANISH]

Ha, ha. Very good.
Very good!

I am impressed.

What did he say?

Uh, I want a seat

from which I can see
the hands of the pianist.

Dutch, you said the wrong thing.

Excuse me. Jessica, would you
like a glass of punch?

Oh, yes. Mary, excuse me.
Excuse us, please.

Juan Dos, check the punch, huh?

Too much lemon?

[CROAKING]

Everybody, may I have
your attention please?

You're all having so much fun.

I have a little
announcement to make.

Annie and I would like
to announce our engagement.

Ah.

I suppose, as a matter of form,

I should also announce
Jessica's and my divorce.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Yeah, and, uh...
And along those same lines,

Gwen and I have
an announcement to make.

E-excuse me. I haven't
finished my announcement.

As fate would have it...

Whatever that means.

Gwen and I have fallen in love.

[ALL CLAPPING] That's lovely.

Very sweet.

Thank you.

That was beautiful.

You have no right to make
an announcement after I...

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, well, let's all just
make an announcement.

Maggie and I...
are an item.

[WHOOPS]

Announcement:

My son is normal.

I knew it.
I know you are, gosh.

I always knew it.
I know. I know it.

Thank you for whatever you did.

Yeah, and whatever
it was you did,

keep doin' it.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, sure!

A: Dinner is ready.
Pork. No big surprise.

And B: I think Juan Two
has bought the farm.

'S okay.

Scratch that.

Okay, this is really it.

BURT:
Hit the dirt!

This time I'm really
gonna do it.

This is the big one.

Uh-uh-uh.

[TEARFULLY] Oh, no.

[SOBS]

What is she doing?

Danny, over there.

Assassin!
El Puerco, watch out.

EL:
Get him!

Danny.

Oh, my God.
ALL: Oh, Danny.

Mary, I'm so...

DUTCH:
Somebody call the ambulance.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Jessica and Chester are divorced

and Chester and Annie
are engaged,

will Eunice give Annie a shower

or just push her into the pool?

Who was the b*llet that hit
Danny really meant for?

Is Tibbs trying
to k*ll Danny and Burt?

Was he trying to k*ll Gwen?

Are the Communist forces
in Malaguay trying

to assassinate El Puerco
and his allies?

And how badly has
Danny been wounded?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]