03x17 - A Bear-tiful Find Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

JUDY:
Whoo! Picture day.

One stool, one vinyl backdrop,

one yearbook,
a million possibilities.

And, big fanfare...
[sings fanfare]

Judy and I won Best Siblings

in the student superlatives,

so we'll be getting
a picture taken together.

Wow, congrats.
In my day

I was voted Weirdest Laugh.
Boy, was that way off.

[deranged laugh]

I preordered the package

with each of your pictures
on a mug.

There's nothing like drinking
out of your own children

to start your day off right.

MOON: Oh, no. They're building
something right here?

Dagmar.

Ham, the day we always feared
has arrived.

Operation Dagmar phase two.

Dagmar? That smelly old coconut
that you carved a face into

and then carried around
for months?

That "smelly old coconut"
was like a brother to me.

Huh, Coconut Tobin actually
does sound like a name

of a sibling we would have.

I will admit that Dagmar,

how shall I say it? Reeked.

But other than that,
he was a good guy.

He was a great guy.
We were inseparable.

You had Judy, I had Dagmar.

Why are we even
talking about him?

- Didn't Dad make you throw him out?
- No.

He said I couldn't keep him
in the house anymore,

so I buried him in a box
in the woods.

Mm-hmm. And I went with Moon
and buried my favorite issue

of Tractor magazine.

You know, so Dagmar would have
something to read.

Boy, I loved that issue.

Can't wait to hear
Dagmar's thoughts.

Well, on the way to school,
I saw that they're

putting in a Tramp Scamps
Trampoline Park

on Dagmar's burial ground.

So we got to go dig him
and the Tractor magazine up.

There were cement mixers there
already, so it's now or never.

But, you guys,
it's picture day.

Well, maybe you could sit
for my picture,

holding up my photo
from last year.

Or, or, or, your beautiful,
talented,

multi-hyphenate sister plays
the role of a lifetime today:

both of her brothers.

It'll be tricky, sure,
but if Kevin Jonas

can fool the world
into believing that

he has two other brothers...
[laughs]

...then I'm pretty confident
I can do it, too.

Now, I will need your clothes.

Mm, leaving school naked
seems risky,

but if that's what it takes...

Oh, the drama department.

We can get you costumes to wear.

And Ham and I can borrow bikes
from our friends.

All right, let's go secure
the Dag and the mag.

- Okay, now a stop for...
- [sighs]

Coffee at Maude's
and then the boat.

What's the sigh for,
my heavy-breathed Heather?

You feeling down, m'clown?

Oh, no, it's just, well,

every day in Alaska
used to feel crazy and new,

and now I'm more settled
into this routine.

Nothing's more exciting
than a routine.

Knowing that you know exactly
what's coming next? Heaven.

Should we do something
different today?

Just off the top of my head,
we could

sew all our jeans together
into one giant pair?

No, Wolf. Although group jeans
is a good business idea.

We should write that down.
I sighed because

sometimes I crave
that excitement I felt

the first time I saw
the northern lights,

or the first time I slipped
on black ice

and then got back up
and immediately slipped again.

It went on like that
for at least an hour.

I'm okay. I probably just need
some coffee in me.

Well, you're in luck,

'cause Maude is just
opening up.

Ooh, and, Honeybee,
this'll cheer you up.

Today is cranberry muffin day.

[weakly] Yay.

Good morning, Maude.
I see you're admiring

your door hinge.

I'm a butt hinge man myself,
so I get it.

No, the door is open, and I know
I locked up last night.

[gasps] You think there's
a burglar in there?

Everyone, grab a big stick.
We're going in.

Good idea. Yes, sticks.
The fists of the trees.

Dang it, the one day I didn't
wear my Batman costume

under my regular clothes.

- Oh, hey, guys.
- ALL: Huh?

Cheesecake? My BFF.

My Angelina Bro-lie.

Oh, what's up, Tobins?
And there you are, Maude.

I'll have
the Seaman's Sausage Platter

and four Bloody Marys.

We don't serve alcohol.

All right, just a beer, then.

Oh, and my friend is
in the bathroom.

He's been in there a while.

He might not be
feeling too good.

You know what,
bring him a beer, too.

That'll fix him right up.

Wolf, you got to meet this guy.

You'll love him. I met him
last night at Ted's Folly.

Doesn't talk much,
but, boy, can he put it away.

Drinks more than I do,
believe it or not.

I think he's part fish.
[laughs]

Why don't I, um,
go check on Cheesecake's friend?

Hello? Friend of Cheesecake's?

[gasps] Oh, God.
This is not good.

Okay, I am literally
poking a bear,

the worst idea ever.
[gasps] Oh, no.

Drop Dead Ted.

- Good morning.
- Not now, Londra.

Maude, you'd better lock
the door

and put the closed sign up.

Teddy, the real-life mascot

of our nearby, bitter
rival town of Ted's Folly,

appears to have had the night
of his life with Cheesecake

and then d*ed near a toilet
in this very restaurant.

[gasping, exclaiming]
Oh, hell no.

I can't believe Teddy is dead.

It's probably too soon,
but did you see

a gorgeous ring on his finger?

I'm sure he'd want me
to have it.

Cheesecake, what are you doing,
messing with that bear

from Ted's Folly, son?

Oof, if Mayor Ted
finds out about this,

it's gonna be like
the Beaver Wars all over again.

- Maybe I should just move.
- What are the Beaver Wars?

About years ago,

the Lone Moose mayor's wife
Elna Parsnips got drunk

and threw
a taxidermied beaver

at the mayor of
Ted's Folly's wife at a dance.

And it set
off a bitter rivalry that

continues on to this very day.

A lot of bad blood.

A lot of taunting
and pranks on both sides.

Ooh, sounds kinda exciting.

I mean, I'm not proud of it,

but I can taunt
with the best of 'em.

Guys, we got to get
that dead bear out of here stat,

before anyone else shows up.

Oh, too late, Councilman Roy
just pulled in.

Oh, God,
if Roy finds out, we're screwed.

He'll want to handle this the "right way,"
and Ted's Folly

- will come for us all.
- It's fine.

All we need is an electric
razor, hydrogen peroxide,

and some high-end
counterfeit passports.

And drinks.

I-I'm sorry, Roy,
we're closed, honey.

But I-I see
other customers in there.

Oh, that's, uh, you know,
that's just my waitstaff.

Beef Tobin is
on your waitstaff?

Yep, just hired all
these people this morning, so...

Got to show 'em the plates.

- Teach 'em what a fork is.
- We just need our coffee.

If Toby doesn't get his,
he becomes

absolutely insufferable.

Sorry, the coffee all
went bad because I, uh,

threw up in it.
So, goodbye and good luck,

and I'll see you later, Roy.

This is very
uncalled for, Maude!

Okay, Cheesecake,
how did this happen?

It's hazy, but I know I went
to the Ted's Folly Beerathlon

yesterday, which they
always hold the day before

the Ted's Folly Bearathlon.

- The what?
- The Ted's Folly Bearathlon is

a K run that they
hold every year

on Teddy the bear's birthday,
and the Beerathlon

is the big party
the night before.

And a great place
to get very, very drunk,

which I was when I climbed into
Teddy's enclosure with a full

growler of honey-wheat ale.

It didn't occur to me
that he was a bear.

I just thought he was
a big dude in a fur coat.

I remember thinking, "You should
get that coat dry-cleaned,

my man, because it smells
like you live in it."

Turns out he does.
I'm also picturing us riding

a motorcycle together,
but that can't be right.

You mean like the motorcycle
out there?

The one that says
Mayor-cycle on the side

- in little flames?
- Oh, wonderful.

So we have
two things that belong

to the mayor of Ted's Folly.

If we don't play our cards right
in the next couple of hours,

our two towns will have
worse than bad blood.

Oh, no. Really bad blood.

Oh, hello, Moon.

Looking awfully
tall today, aren't we?

And awfully Judy?

Oh, yeah, growth spurt.
And, uh... Judy spurt.

Don't worry, I'm not
gonna get you in trouble.

I don't have time
for shenanigans.

As we were getting out
of the car at school today,

Ms. Anderson said,
"Happy one-year anniversary,"

and I realized I don't have
dinner reservations,

I can't afford a gift,

and this morning
I accidentally k*lled

her beloved fish Swimmy Gibbler.

I didn't have my contacts in yet
this morning

and mistakenly fed it
a bunch of parmesan cheese.

And I mean a bunch.

You don't need
a dinner reservation.

You just get
a bunch of fast food.

Fast food?

I can't give the love of my life
a meat nugget.

Ah-buh-buh, let me finish.

Then you drive up
to a place with a nice view

and you eat it
on the hood of your car.

Women love car hood picnics.

- They do?
- Yes.

Haven't you ever seen

- an engagement ring commercial?
- Uh, no.

I only watch classic films

on my vintage laser disc player.

Oh, my God.

But in the absence
of any other options,

I will take your advice.

Now, what do I do about a gift?

Uh, this is a two-way street,
buddy.

I'll be back in a little bit

dressed as a different brother,

and I'm gonna need you

to keep quiet about that, too.

Okay, so, if the Ted's Folly
Bearathlon

starts at noon, we have to

Weekend at Bernie's this
bear back into the van

and get him back ASAP
so no one knows he's gone.

Then, if we get him back in
his enclosure, people will think

he d*ed there, and Lone Moose
will be off the hook.

- Don't forget the motorcycle.
- Oh, I didn't. I can drive it.

I got a license back in Fresno
because in high school

Motorcycle Drivers' Ed counted
as PE for some reason.

I know this is a pretty serious
situation, but I am excited

I finally get
to ride the lightning.

Okay, let's try to get this guy
out of here.

Wolf, Jerry, help me out.

Grab an arm or a leg,
and we'll lift on three.

One, two, three.

- Somebody get around back.
- I'm trying.

This is my first time
lifting a bear, sorry.

[knock at door]
ROY: Maude?!

Aah! Roy's back.
Everybody get down.

Oh. Oh, God. Aah!

- Oh, the bear is on Jer.
- No, no, no.

I repeat: The bear is on Jer!

After driving around
for minutes,

I decided that
I'm finally going to listen

to my therapist
and stand up for myself.

We're back, and we're not
going anywhere

until we get our coffee.

The drama department
came through.

I'm gonna incorporate
this mask

into my everyday look.

Oh, I'm excited
to see Dagmar again.

I used to tell him everything.

Even though five years
have passed, it's been

comforting knowing that I
could dig him up if I wanted.

Who knows?
Maybe I'll need him

to help me conquer
the seven most dangerous

mountain peaks in the world.

Or stand up as my best man
if I get married.

To someone. Not Quinn.

I don't even have
a crush on her.

So we'll just dig Dagmar back up
and bury him somewhere else

so I can always find him
if I need him.

Hmm, I'm really curious
to see if my favorite issue

of Tractor magazine
is as good as I remember.

I looked at that thing
so many times, I memorized

the barcode on the cover.

...

[siren chirps]
[gasps]

Plant and Phantom,

please pull
to the side of the road.

Oh, no, the fuzz.

Okay. I'm screwed,
but you should try

to blend in
with the other plants here.

Come on, let me in.
Let me... oh.

Roy, come on in, darling.
Coffee's ready.

Good morning, Roy.
How are you today?

Hmm.
Interesting.

Didn't you say these were
all your new waiters?

Why are they sitting down
and eating?

Oh, you know,
I had to fire them

because they were all, uh,
having sex with each other.

Oh!
Look, everyone, out that window.

- There's a... a boat.
- Whoa.

Really makes you want to stare
at it through that window only.

[squawks]

Wow, Toby really
likes boats, huh?

That's not Toby's boat squawk.
That's his... [sniffs]

Oh, can't be.
Has a wild animal been in here?

No, no.

But Jerry, uh,

had his Bigfoot costume
with him, so...

- Yeah, maybe it needs to be dry-cleaned.
- Oh, please.

Toby knows
the difference between

a costume and a carnivore.

[tires screech]

I'll take those coffees to go.

Hold onto your feathers, Toby.
[engine starts]

Something's going on
with the Tobins, and I'm

gonna find out what it is.

Hate to drive on the highway
without your car seat,

but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[squawks]

Yes, I'll get your juice box,
just wait a minute!

All right, the mayor's
John Mayer cover band

the John Mayors always plays
the Ted's Folly Beerathlon,

so hopefully
he's still sleeping it off

and hasn't checked the pen yet.

Uh, guys, we got a problem:
Roy is on our tail.

We got to lose him.

I'll go right, you go left.

Okay, let's rendezvous in
the parking lot of Ted's Jolly,

the year-round Christmas store.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed hell yeah!

Toby, who do I follow?
[squawks]

I knew you would say that.
You love motorcycles.

I'm sorry they
don't make one in your size.

MR. GOLOVKIN:
Well, if it isn't

Ham Tobin, here to tell me
what kind of gift

I should get my lady friend
for our one-year anniversary.

And here it is.

Some dirt in a jar.

I know I said I didn't care
about your picture shenanigans,

but now I'm actively angry
with you, so I'm going to

tell Principal Gibbons
what you're up to.

This isn't just any dirt
in a jar.

It happens to be
from the very spot

where you and Ms. Anderson
first kissed.

- It is?
- It is now.

Ah, okay, very clever, Judy.

Are you an actual criminal?
Did you k*ll your brothers?

Just, uh,
take the picture, Theodore.

Oh, what about
the dead goldfish? What do I do?

Yeah, okay, I'll be back
for sibling superlatives,

and we'll talk then.

Ha ha, time
for the Bee to bug out.

[squawks]
Aw, dang it.

Well, I can't just go
through a yellow light.

I-I'm not a wild man, Toby.

- Ha ha!
- Hey. Are you Beth?

Oh, hi. No.

Were you expecting
a woman to drive

a motorcycle into your truck?

- Yeah. Beth.
- Well, I'm not her.

I'm not giving you the dr*gs
hidden in these baguettes then.

Okay.

So, how's your day going?

Eh, had better, had worse.
You?

Honestly, buddy, I'm having
the time of my life.

- Uh-oh.
- Weekend at dang-its!

There's a news crew there.

They must already know
he's gone.

Damn, I lost Roy and the bird,

but it looks like
we're too late.

We should go over and listen in,
but I'm afraid

Mayor Ted will recognize us

as Lone Moosers.

Ooh, let's do disguises.

That'll be fun.

Wolf and I keep two pizza
costumes in the trunk in case we

get invited to a last-
minute Halloween party.

We can get 'em out,
stand over to the side,

and pretend
we're sign spinners.

If anyone asks, we'll just say
our signs are in the shop.

Great idea. And we don't
want to leave Teddy unattended.

So, Wolf,
you and Jerry stay here.

You got it, Dad.

Hanging with my bro-in-law

and a dead bear?
Living the dream.

What are you two doing
out here

dressed for a musical
on a school day?

Oh, we're actually on our way
to do a show for overworked

construction workers at

the new Tramp Scamps
building site.

Some of them have never

even seen a Broadway play.
Can you imagine? It's so sad.

Oh, okay. Well,
you want to throw your bikes

in the trunk
and I'll give you a ride?

Oh, and I can lead you in
some vocal warmups in the car.

I was in a choral ensemble
at Wellesley,

the Hillary Clin-Tones.
Two, three, four.

♪ From a distance,
the world is ♪

♪ Blue and green. ♪

Don't worry, Toby.

That motorcycle had
"Mayor-cycle" written on

the side,
and there's only three mayors

in the area that have
one of those.

We'll check them all, town by town.
[squawks]

I agree. We are having
a fun little Monday. [chuckles]

Honeybee, I fear these

so-called disguises are
wildly attention-getting.

Yeah, but think of how much fun
it'll be if we get caught.

Just so you know,
I'm gonna rat you out

- and cut a deal immediately.
- That's fine.

I'll do your time and mine.
I just want Wolf to be happy.

- So, wait, that's Teddy's enclosure? Pretty nice.
- Uh-huh.

The mayor is obsessed
with that bear.

In light of Teddy's
disappearance,

we're considering
canceling today's

Bearathlon
for the first time in its

hundred-year history.

I just can't bear

the thought of breaking all

the hearts of today's
paw-ticipants.

It's too grisly.

And my motorcycle
is also missing.

I'm both revved up about it
and wheelie, wheelie sad.

Wow, I'm used
to quirky Alaskans by now,

but this guy is next-level.

And I will say this:

when the Ted's Folly Teddy goes

missing,
our immediate thought is

that it must be someone from...

- Lone Moose.
- [gasps] How bear he?

Don't look at us,
we're sign spinners.

Mind your biz.

I'm telling you, Jerry,
this is the idea that will have

all the sharks in a bidding w*r:
appetizers you wear.

Think about it.
A suit made entirely

of buffalo wings?

You just simply
walk around a party,

and people pick you clean.
You can't lose.

[Teddy growls]

Got your stomach
growling, huh, Jer?

Uh, that wasn't my stomach,
Wolf.

Um, I believe this bear is,
in fact, not deceased.

Oh, God.
He's waking up.

Quick, before he does,
open your door quietly, and then

come slide the back door open
so I can sneak out fast.

- Hold tight, here I come.
- Hurry, Jerry! [Teddy growls]

I hate this bear so much.

[both scream]

Honeybee, your brother doesn't

by chance do a very convincing
bear imitation, does he?

Nope. Oh, my God.
Ted's not dead!

- Oh, man, he's mad now.
- Wolfie?! Jer?!

Oh, thank God
you guys are okay.

I am so done with bears.
Even Winnie the Pooh.

No, thanks!
Put some pants on!

Well, well, well,

some Lone Moosers did steal
my bear and my motorcycle.

Someone arrest them!
Is anyone here a police officer?

- You! I deputize you.
- I'm .

Oh, before we head in,
why don't you guys,

uh, sing me
something from the show?

Oh, yeah, we'd love to, yup.

Yup, so the show opens with,
uh, a song called

"Phantom Plant Man."

- ♪ Oh, he's a phantom ♪
- ♪ He's a plant ♪

- ♪ Who's also a ghost ♪
- ♪ Who has a plant ♪

♪ And, uh. ♪

Beautiful.

Hey, construction guys, yeah...

Wait, Chief Edna.

- We... we lied.
- What?

You're not doing a special show
for the construction workers?

I'm shocked.

Now, why don't you two tell me

what's really going on
so I don't have to call your dad

- and tell him I caught you skipping school?
- Okay.

See, I had
this old security item...

Dagmar the coconut...
that I carved a face into.

I used to pretend he was my twin
brother. Fraternal, of course.

Anyway, when
my dad said I had to get

rid of him, we buried him here.

I'm not sure I'm really ready

to let him go for good,
you know?

Well, that's freakin'
sweet as hell.

All right, you go dig up
your security coconut.

I'll explain it
to the construction guys.

Oh, they poured concrete on him.

That's rude.
And sad.

I'm so sorry, bud.

Sorry, Gary.
Who's Gary?

Well, that magazine
wasn't my favorite

because of the tractors.

The model on the cover of

that issue was actually
the first guy

I ever saw
that I had a crush on.

Sitting on a pile of hay,
showing off his brand-new boots.

Oh, he looked in my eyes,

and that's when I knew
that I liked dudes.

Really?
Why'd you let him go?

You had to part with something
you really cared for,

so I thought, as your brother,
I should do the same.

Wow. That's nice.
You know, I used to wish

I had a sibling I was as
close with as you and Judy.

Someone I could win
Best Siblings with someday.

Moon, what?!
I am that sibling for you.

Just because I'm close
with Judy doesn't mean

I can't be close with you.

I'll be your Dagmar.
I mean, I refuse

to let myself smell
as bad as he did,

but I'll gladly skip
a shower or two as needed.

And if you choose a best man
for your wedding, I'd love

- to be that guy.
- Thanks, Ham. I'll keep you in mind.

Well, it makes me sad that
we can't dig up Dagmar and Gary,

but I feel better knowing
they're down there together.

And Crispin's a way better
boyfriend

than that Tractor model.

Never gets soggy
when I kiss him.

Uh, Mr. Mayor, we can explain.

Explain what?

How you planned to sabotage

the Ted's Folly Bearathlon?

You Lone Moose bastards
better prepare yourself

fur Bear-mageddon.

Ugh. No.

Here comes Roy.

Roy, if you followed us here

to enforce some obscure
town code,

I assure you
we're in enough trouble already.

Well, I do have
some code questions

but not for the good citizens of
my beloved hometown Lone Moose.

- Hello, Mayor Folly.
- Roy.

Remind me again where
you acquired a permit to keep

your town's mascot
in an enclosure.

That's not an enclosure.

That's his room.

This bear is like my son.

The Follys have
always lived with bears.

Keeping a bear in confinement
may be your family's disgusting

tradition, but it's
an Alaskan state statute that

you must possess a permit
to keep a bear in an enclosure.

And you, sir,
do not have that permit.

Believe me, I read all
the permits in the Alaskan

state house during
my last spring break trip.

Well, then, I will just deputize
someone to write me a permit.

- You there.
- Leave me alone.

Mayor Folly,
if you could simply focus

on my friends here returning
your bear and motorcycle,

and forget everything
that came before that,

then I'm sure I could forget
that you don't possess

a permit to keep this bear
in the first place.

Fine. But I would keep an eye
on that lone moose of yours.

We don't actually
have a moose mascot.

You know what? Just go.

Roy, sorry we locked you out
of Maude's and then made

you chase us around.

We thought you were
gonna bust us for something.

Are you kidding?
We stick together.

Like the town slogan says,

"We're Lone Moosers, from
our heads to our caboosers."

That's not the slogan.

Well, I'm trying to get it
approved.

Aw, Roy and Toby
are our best friends now.

- I no longer have to be scared of Toby.
- [squawks]

- You should still be scared of Toby.
- Duly noted.

Okay,
time for your Best Siblings

superlative photo.

But no pics
without a goldfish fix.

Swimmy Gibbler is dead.

How do I fix this so
Ms. Anderson doesn't find out?

You don't. You have
to take ownership and say

you're sorry, and then
get her a new one.

You can't swap it out
behind her back.

You're not some
children's party magician.

Have a little respect
for yourself.

Oh, I knew you were going
to say something like that.

But you're right. Now pose
next to your brother's boyfriend

who's dressed as
your brother and smile.

I might just leave this pizza
costume on forever. It's comfy.

Agreed. It's like
a hoodie with cheese.

Well, I certainly
didn't expect a day like today

when we pulled
into Maude's this morning.

I guess Alaska
does keep a few tricks

- up her sleeve after all.
- Every time you think you've

got Alaska figured out,
she surprises you.

Yeah, like one time
I found an entire unopened

box of Milk Duds at
the local movie theater!

That's not exactly
what I meant.

You didn't let me finish.

Inside the box? Junior Mints!

Yep, still not what
we're talking about, Wolf.

Agree to disagree, Dad.

Junior Mints pretending
to be Milk Duds.

Only in Alaska.

♪ I was a young bear ♪

♪ Full of rage and livin' hard ♪

♪ Then you caught my eye
across the mayor's yard ♪

♪ My mind was missing
and my heart was nearly gone ♪

♪ And you climbed up
on that motorbike ♪

♪ And said, "Hey, man, hop on" ♪

♪ You can trap me in a cage ♪

♪ But my heart, man,
it's so free ♪

♪ The wind in my fur, my
best friend right behind me ♪

♪ And there's a girl
out there for me ♪

♪ And I know I'll find her ♪

♪ And we'll keep on
ridin' free ♪

♪ My best friend
right behind her. ♪