05x01 - The Queen's Ransom

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'For the pampered rich,

who will come to Monte Carlo,

the urge is not only to get richer,

but to test their nerve against that
remorseless adversary, luck.

Now, in this room,

the kings of the chemin de fer

meet head on.

Like ex-king Fallouda

of Fedyra.

Millions of francs can change hands
in a single night.'

Please.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

Thank you very much.

Colonel Aboukir's plane has just
landed.

Good.

Aren't you coming?

In a minute.

If you're not interested...

Card, monsieur?

When I'm ready, darling.

Neuf. I'm in a winning mood tonight.

No card.

Turn card.

Ah, c'est bon.

What...What happened?
He tried to k*ll you.

And this gentleman stopped him.

At least I...I should know the name
of the man to whom I owe my life.

You mean you don't?

Your Majesty, may I present
the infamous Simon Templar?

My friend, if I was still in power,

I would give you the Order of the
Crescent Moon

with gold-leaf clusters.

Try money, my darling.

As I recall, Mr Templar,
you're very fond of it.

As I recall, so is Your Majesty.

Clumsy!
A thousand pardons, Your Majesty.

So, you two have met before?

Yes, I knew Her Majesty
when she was a model.

Tell me, sir, do people often try
to assassinate you?

Assassination is an Arabic word,
Mr Templar.

In my country it is regarded as an
efficient substitute for your democratic elections.

Oh, thank you.

Major Aboukir.

Salam.

You bring good news?
Indeed, sire, I do.

Well?

Oh, Mr Templar here has just saved
my life.

He has my complete confidence.

And my eternal gratitude.

We are ready to take over the
presidential palace

and be in full control of the
country

within two hours of the signal.

Everything is arranged?
Yes, Your Majesty.

Except the money.

You are right, Your Majesty.

My part in this, Mr Templar,
is to provide $ million

from my Zurich bank

in the form of my wife's jewels.

All this explains the attempt on
your life this evening.

Then I will go to Zurich tomorrow.

No, Your Majesty.Let ME go.

Major, you would be dead the instant
you cross the Monaco border,

and so would I.
No. The queen should go.

A shopping trip would not be unusual.
Then please let me go with her.

That would be too obvious,
and too dangerous.

But please, Your Majesty!
Must I repeat myself like a parrot?

Mr Templar, my dear wife is the only
person who could do this.

I want you to escort her to Zurich,

collect the jewels and bring them
back.

For a fee, of course.

Well, I'm flattered, but no.

Why not?

I don't think your would like
the answer.

Nevertheless...
All right, then,

I'm not sure that the return of
a monarch whose main claim to fame is gambling

is in the best interests
of the country.How dare you!

You realise that a few years ago
I could have had your...head chopped off for that!

A few years back
I wouldn't have said it.

Mr Templar,
have you ever been to Fedyra?

Once.
Then you'll know what it is.

, square miles of
poverty-stricken desert.

Exactly.

And until Ali was deposed,

his entire fortune subsidised the
whole country.

It's almost all gone now.
Spent on schools, light machinery,

hospitals, almost everything that
Fedyra could not afford for herself.

My dear, such an overstatement

is hardly likely to make Mr Templar
change his mind.It helps.

I wouldn't dream of troubling you.

You're much too busy in Monte
enjoying yourself.

Besides, I'm quite capable of making
the trip alone.

I'll go.
Don't...bother.

It's no bother.

I have nothing better to do.
How do we travel?

My private plane.
When?

Tomorrow morning. From Nice.

Well, Saleb?

They go to Zurich to collect the
jewels tomorrow.

And who is 'they'?

The queen.Queen?

That daughter of a London bus
driver?

Fallouda's wife.

With Aboukir?

No, Colonel Farid.
With Simon Templar.

This is the second time he has
interfered.

Ensure there is no third.
Yes, sir.

When do they leave?In the morning,
from Nice, in the king's plane.

Mahmoud, you leave for Zurich
tonight.

Yes, sir.
Make all the necessary arrangements.

That vulgar clown of a king must not
be allowed to succeed.

Good morning.

Our estimated time of arrival in
Zurich is : hours, ma'am.

Will you or Mr Templar be wanting
coffee or drinks during the flight?

We will not.

We'll take off right away, then,
ma'am.

As we have to spend the entire day
in each other's company,

there might as well be
an understanding.

Oh? About what?

Why have you come?

Your husband asked me.

Is that the only reason?

No. No, you er...interest me.
Why?

Well, you're a very unusual...

..and a very beautiful woman.

And my father was a London bus
driver.

Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Liar.

Have it any way you like.

You think we've come a long way
for a former model?Haven't we?

It amuses you to make a mockery of
our position, doesn't it?

Oh, not at all.We find you
arrogant, smug, self-important

and impertinent.

Just remember, you were hired for
money,

to do a job, like a chauffeur or any
other servant.

Remember that and perhaps our
relationship will be less painful than I find it at present.

Your Memsahib, permission to speak?

May we have our lighter back,
please?

Thank you.

Take over, will you?

Excuse me, Your Majesty?

We'll be arriving in Zurich in about
minutes.

Oh, if you'll forgive me for
speaking,

I've arranged for a limousine to
meet us.

When do you want to take off, ma'am?

Ma'am?! Two hours.

Excuse me. Will you lunch in Zurich?

I've arranged for our meals to be
delivered to the plane.

Check it onboard, will you?
Of course, sir.

S'il vous plait...

Ouvrez.

I'm glad our wire arrived in time.

Yes, it's so much simpler
when you know in advance.

After you, Mr Templar.
Thank you.

Don't suppose you've ever seen five
million dollars worth of jewels!

Not since Zsa Zsa left town.

Will you sign, Your Majesty?

Dupont, ouvrez.

Merci, monsieur.
Je vous en prie.

Well, it seems your presence was
unnecessary after all, Mr Templar.

Somebody had to carry the lighter.

Why did we turn?

Get down.

Three to one, Mr Templar.
Work it out for yourself.

Search him.
Against the wall.

Out, Your Majesty. Please.

Sorry we have no red carpet.

I'd advise pretty strongly against
that.

It will explode if forced,
naturally!Naturally.

In that case, we'll all go up
together.

Well, if you insist,
why not use the key?

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

My jewels!

You fool, you've bungled it!

We're alive, aren't we?

What about my jewels?

$ million worth of jewels!

You can't win 'em all.

Take off as quickly as possible!

Is anything wrong, Your Majesty?
Don't ask questions!

Has our food arrived?
Oh, yes, sir.

Good.
Speaking of myself, we are famished.

On the seat, sir.
Thank you.

How dare you think of food
at a time like this!

Oh, never mind. When we are airborne,

maybe we will feel
a little more peckish.

Smoked salmon?

Delicious.

Caviar.

Champagne.
Oh, you're unspeakable!

And the main course,

a dish fit for a queen!

But... But how...?

The bank manager had a duplicate
case.

Tell me.When we were coming out of
the vaults, I switched cases.

The jewels went straight to the
caterers and then here.

But why didn't you tell ME?

I wanted your reaction to be normal.

Which it was.

It seems I ought to congratulate
you.

Not if it hurts.

You did very well. His Majesty will
be most pleased.

We chauffeurs have our uses.

May I offer Your Memsahib
a little champagne?

Thank you.

Hello. Cromwell Five.

This is Uniform Whisky. Come in,
please. Do you hear me?

Coffee.

Help yourself.

Pour me a cup while you're at it,
will you?

Message received and understood.
Out.

Take her down.

What is it? What's the matter?
We seem to be landing.

Where are we?
Haven't a clue.

I have.

This time we won't fail. I've
instructions to sh**t you both

if you give me any trouble.
And I will.

You, sit there.

And you there, Mr Templar.

Remember, one false move...

Where are we?An abandoned flying
club in the centre of France.

So don't expect any help.

Outside.

Have you any idea where we are?
Not a clue.

You were very good back there.

Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.

What's the matter with it?

We are out of gas.
What do we do now?

We walk.
Walk? Where?

Wherever this road leads us.

We can't just walk aimlessly.
We can't just sit aimlessly.

Well, it might be miles.
I'll stay here.

Suit yourself.

Leave that.
Sorry.

I'm not gonna let you walk off into
the night with $ million of jewels!

They are my responsibility!

They are my jewels!

I promised your husband I would
deliver them to him.

The only way I can do that
is to keep them with me.

I'm not letting them out of my
sight!

Then get moving.

Wait!

Look, this is insane. We might be
miles from the nearest village.

There's only one way to find out.

What? I can't walk in these shoes.

Then take them off.
I will not!

They are your feet!

Wait!

What's the matter?
Going too fast for you?

Stand still, will you!

I won't. Not another step.

Alright. Wait here.

Wait!

I order you to wait.

Ow!

Pig!

Beast.

Hateful. I'll k*ll him.

I can't go on!Really I can't.

Oh. Well, er, would you like me
to carry you?

Would you?

Of course. Here. Hop up.

All right? Comfortable?
Fine.Good.

Can you manage?
Why, certainly.

It might be miles.

Well, luckily there's a garage just
round there.

Put me down!

Urgh!

Hateful!

You're hateful!

Good evening. Sorry to disturb you.
We're out of gas.

Where, monsieur?
A couple of kilometres up the road.

If I don't sit down, I'll fall down.

Of course, madame. Michele!

Bonsoir, madame.

Ahh!

You think you could help us -
a couple of cans?

Of course. I will come with you.

Michele, make the lady comfortable.
I won't be long.

You can look after this, darling.
Ow!

Madame! Oh, la-la!

Would you like coffee, madame?

No. Where are we?

Deux... Er, two kilometres north of
Etienne.

Do you have a telephone?
Mais oui, madame. C'est la.

Ha!

Yes?

'Major Aboukir?'
Your Majesty!

Yes, yes. He's right here.

Hello, Adana!

'Ali! Oh, we've had a most difficult
time!'

Why? What happened?

Would you mind? This is very
private.

Oh! D'accord, madame.

It's been terrible!

I can't tell you on the phone.
We're stranded, two kilometres north of Etienne.

But darling, are you all right?

'Yes, fine.'

And er, the parcel?
With us. And quite safe.

Just a moment. Did you say
two kilometres from Etienne?

Just a moment. The railway timetable!
It's in the drawer! Quickly!

Well, monsieur! You have a hole!

How on earth do you suppose
that happened?

Yes, Ali. Yes, it's all quite clear.

We'll be home late tomorrow.

All right, my love. Goodbye.

I'm afraid the car is kaput.
There's a hole in the t*nk.

But you can fix it?
Tomorrow, madame.

Is there a hotel near here?

At Porcelle, about kilometres
up the road.

Can you get us a taxi?
Not at this hour, no.

But we have a room, if you and your
wife would care.

Oh, we would be delighted.
Wouldn't we, darling?

Bumbling incompetents!

This time there will be no mistake!

You understand?Yes, sir.
No hesitation. No sentiment.

This time there will be no mistake.

Good morning.

Come on. Rise and shine.

I will rustle...

I'll rustle up some breakfast.
I'm starving!

Who isn't?

Looking for something?

Oh, can you get me a taxi?

Your car, monsieur?
I've changed my mind.

I can't wait for you to fix it.

An hour, monsieur. No more.
Can you get me a taxi?

It is Sunday, monsieur.
But I will try.

By the way, how much do I owe you?

Oh, it is francs for the room,
monsieur,

and seven francs for madame's
telephone call.

What phone call?
Last night, monsieur.

She used the phone.
To call Monte Carlo.

francs.

Thank you.

Merci bien.
You're welcome.

Come in.

Did you, er, phone your husband
last night?

Yes. Why?
Didn't it cross your royal mind

to tell me?I was going to tell you
in the morning.

We're to take a train from Porcelle
at :,

changing at Lyon.

And who else knows that?

What do you mean?How do you account
for the reception committee in Zurich

unless somebody in your husband's
villa

is telling them every single move
we make?

That is nonsense.
Is it?

Then how did they trace us here?

Here?
There's one in the garage right now.

But don't you bother your royal head.

I've put him to bye-byes.

When you're ready.

Did you get a taxi?

The phone, she is busy monsieur, but
I will try again in minutes.

Pierre's wife on the phone. She talk
to her mother.

Bonjour, madame.
Thank you.

Fill her up.
Super?Please.Ah, oui.

I get tired sitting still.

Like to stretch my legs.

You're rather off the tourist track,
aren't you?

Yes, we are.

Staying here?
Only last night.

Going far?
Monte Carlo.

Oh, that's too hot for me!

This is as far south as I dare go!

Oh, you drove from England in this?

From Paris.That's where I live.

Oh, how nice.
Hortense Pemberton.

Perhaps you've heard of my late
husband Willoughby Pemberton, the novelist?

Haven't we all!

I'm Simon Templar.
Oh, darling, this is Mrs Pemberton.

Oh, how do you do?
How do you do?

I've seen your face before.

Actress?
No.

Oh! All you young girls look alike
these days!Like poppies in a field.

And just as pretty.

You've picked a winner, you know.

Yes, that's what I always say,
don't I, poppet?

Whenever you're ready, madame.

Oh, just a little longer.
I get so tired sitting.

I've a touch of arthritis.Again
I will try your taxi, monsieur.

Oh, thank you.
Oh. Taxi? Where to?

The railway station in Porcelle.
Oh, I'm staying in Porcelle!

Really?
Yes. I'll take you.

Never mind the taxi.
Oh, how kind of you.

Oh, it's selfish, really. I love
having young people around me.

Now do get in, my dears.

I know it's unforgivably nosy of me,

but I can't help wondering what
a splendid couple like you

were doing staying at a place like
that.

And with...so little luggage.

Shall we tell her, darling?

Er...
We're eloping.

Oh!

Bravo! Well done!

Where is he?
Who, monsieur?

The man and the woman!
You know who I mean!

They have gone, monsieur.
When?

About five minutes.Where?
Porcelle, I think.

In a Rolls-Royce, with an English
lady.

I knew it was something like that.

There is such electricity between
you.

Quite unmistakeable.
You must be so happy.Very.

Some men have the knack of bringing
us so thrillingly alive, haven't they?

Willoughby was always able to rouse
the Eve in me, right to the end.

What is it, young man?

My future father-in-law
in hot pursuit.

We'll shake the old spoilsport,
don't you worry!

Faster, Claude! Faster!

What smashing fun!

They went off to Porcelle,
in a Rolls-Royce.

What have they done?There was a
m*rder in the flying club last night.

We believe they know something about
it.

He's gaining. Faster Claude, faster!

Can't we get to Porcelle
down a side road?Indeed we can.

Claude, take the next turning.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

What time does your train go?

:.
Oh, you've plenty of time.

Claude will take you to the station.
Oh, you're very kind.

Oh, nonsense, my dear.
Come in and see the house.

We'd love to.Good.
It belongs to Count Vialmar.

He loans it to me
when he's in the Caribbean.

He's a sweet man.

Now, do come and sit down, dear.

Thank you.
I'm afraid the maids are off,

but do let me make you a cup of tea.

Oh, don't bother. Please.
Oh, no bother.

People laugh, but there's nothing
like tea for protecting the system.

The British character's weaned on
it, I say.

Quite right. I'd love a cup.
Good.

You've got to make it properly,
though.

May I trouble you?

No trouble at all.

Isn't this nice, dear?

Yes. Now, how do you like your tea?

Milk, no sugar.

I can't understand why your father's
against your marrying.

Well, I think YOU had better
explain, dear.

My father is a very rich man.

In transport, you know.
Oh, yes?

Simon has never had a job in his
life.

And my father didn't want him to
live on my money.

Oh, but how unkind!

Willoughby lived off me for years

and we were blissful all the time.

How do you like YOUR tea, Mr Templar?

Just milk.
Just milk.

Are you staying anywhere special
on the Riviera?

Monte Carlo.
Adana has distant relations there.

Oh, I adore Monte Carlo!

But it's not as it used to be
years ago.

Oh, do have some cake.
There are no standards any more.

It used to be so that no decent hotel
would let you inside the dining room

unless you were dressed.

Willoughby and I dressed for dinner
every night of our lives.

Clumsy!

That will stain your coat, my dear.

Let me...

Just a touch too much chlorohydrate
in the tea.

But congratulations.
You are as smooth as silk.

Not quite smooth enough, I'm afraid.

Evidently I underestimated your
powers.

Do you do this often?
It's quite a good living, actually.

You're a professional?

Ever since I worked with the French
Resistance during the w*r,

I've found that my talent for
intrigue almost exactly matched my contempt for politicians.

Besides, it's an interest in life.

I shall be next month.

Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.Come on, darling.

We won't stay for birthday cake.
There's probably arsenic in it!

Drop it!

I suggest the simplest thing would
be to continue our interrupted cuppa.

You'll probably have a slight
headache afterwards with nothing serious.

By that time we shall be far away.
The police!

They're coming in!
Open the door, Claude.

Come on!

Excuse me, madame,
that is your car outside?Yes.

I understand you gave a ride to a
couple from the garage near Etienne?

There they are!

We're coming into Avignon.

Right on time.

What will you do after tomorrow?

Oh, I've no particular plans.

Will we see you?

I hope so.

By the way, where are the jewels?
Under the seat.

You could have taken them any time,
couldn't you?Yes.

Why didn't you?

I er, made a promise to your
husband.

Do you always keep your promises?

Sometimes to my surprise, yes.

Ah, here we are.

I was wrong about you, Simon.
I'm sorry.

Did you say Saleb would be waiting
in the car?

Worried about something, Saleb?

No, sir.

You're driving very skilfully.

Why did the king want us to cover
the last bit by road?

He was concerned that the mainline
stations would be watched.

It's them.

Get down!

I've got my wife back

and I'm about to get my country
back.

Thank you, Mr Templar, very much.

And from me too.
You're welcome.

And now, if you would excuse us...

The Major and I have some plans
to go over.

You will dine with us tonight,
Mr Templar. We shall celebrate.

Come, Ramon.

You have my thanks too.

Well, I was paid for the job.

Not for what you taught ME

about honesty and dignity.

I've learned a lot
and I'm very grateful.

Your Majesty,
you are every inch a queen.