05x06 - The Convenient Monster

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SIMON: Loch Ness.

It is here that, over the years,
more than , eyewitnesses

have claimed to have seen
a monstrous creature

arise from the waters.

They say it was some feet long,

swam like a torpedo
and was quite terrifying.

The witnesses, all denying any
contact with the national beverage,

were from all walks of life.

From castles...to cottages.

Do you believe it?

Well, they say
anything is possible.

After all, this is the land
that invented Scotch mist.

Angus! Angus!

What is it? What's wrong?

I heard you screaming.By the boat.

You're surely not suggesting that...

Over there, the dog.

Yours?No, our neighbours,
the Bastions.

But how?I don't know.

Oh, Angus, for heaven's sake!

You mean you know this character?

He's the Bastions' gamekeeper
Angus McGraw.

I saw him put his hand on you,
so naturally, I...

You jumped to conclusions.

Then what's all the fuss about?
Golly's over there, dead.

And there are claw marks in the
sand, like the ones we saw before.

The monster?

Would you see to it, Angus?

And tell Mr Bastion
I won't be over until after lunch.

I don't feel very well.

May I drive you home?Why, thank you.

My name is Ann Clanraith.

Mine's Simon Templar.

All sorts of people
swear they've seen it.

Sensible people, too,
not just neurotics.

Are you seriously suggesting
the Loch Ness Monster k*lled the dog?

You think it's nonsense?Well...

And that a whole community
has lost its senses?No, mistaken.

The eye can be pretty easily fooled.

Hello, Willie.

You have some fascinating friends.

Willie, if Angus catches you on
the Bastions' property with a g*n,

he'll have you arrested, cos he'll
think you're poaching.

Willie, come here.

Golly's down on the beach, dead.

Aye, that he is.

You've seen him?Aye.

Did you see anything else?

A ferryboat.

That's all?No.

What else?
Did you see how Golly d*ed?

Monster got him.

Did you see it?That I did.

Grey-black it was and scaly, slimy,
with great, terrible jaws.

The head was six feet across.

Willie, come back!

I've been slugged with
every other improbability

you could raise an eyebrow at,

so why should I draw the line
at dog-slaying monsters?

All right, we'll talk
about something else.Well, let's.

You, for example.
Much more interesting.

Hm. Not really.

I was born here,
I went to school in London.

Ah, Sassenach country.

And now I've come back here to work.

Oh, what do you do?
I'm secretary to Mr Bastion.

He's writing a book about
the Duke of Wellington.

That sounds like
an all-time bestseller.

Dad, this is Simon Templar.
Mr Clanraith.

Ah, Auld Lang Syne.

Dad, something dreadful's happened.

As I was walking by the...I heard.

News travels fast.Angus telephoned.

There was more left to that dog
than there was of my sheep.

You mean the monster
kills sheep, too?

No, it was that same dog
that took my sheep.

That's not true.It is true!
Then what k*lled Golly?

Well, that's not for me to say.

But I know that I'm missing
three sheep in a month,

and at least one of them finished up
on the Bastions' dinner table.

That's nonsense and you know it.

You've brought the lass home
and I thank you.

And now we'll not detain you.

Don't mind Dad,
he doesn't mean to be so rude.

No apologies are necessary.

You're very kind.
Thank you for driving me home.

I'm staying in the village,
maybe we'll see one another.

I'd like that.

Must you be so rude?

You're a fine one
to tell me how to behave.

And just what does that mean?

All your grand London education
has done for you is teach you

the morals of an alleycat.
Oh, not that again.

Suppose I don't know
what you're up to at the Bastions'?

Dad, on my word of honour,
I swear to you...

Honour? You don't know
the meaning of the word.

You're shameless.
That's what you are, shameless!

You haven't a shred of proof
that Noel Bastion and I have ever...

Listen to me, Annie Clanraith,

the day I have proof,

I'll k*ll Mr Fancy Bastion
with my own two hands.

Good day.What is it?

Well, I'd like to see Mr Bastion.
About what?

Well, I would like to
explain that to him.

He's writing, he can't be disturbed.

Would you try disturbing him?

The name is Simon Templar.

If you've nae got an appointment...

Who is it, Mary?

It's a Mr Templar.

Ask him in.

Thank you.

I'm Noel Bastion.Mr Bastion.

Please come in.
Make yourself at home.

Nice of you to drop by.
It's nice of you to see me.

You know what's happened?

Aye, Angus told me.
We're all terribly shocked.

How do you explain it?I can't.

I take it you don't believe
in this monster theory.

Mr Templar, I don't know
what to believe.

On the one hand, there is my wife,

she's rather a
distinguished naturalist,

and she is convinced
that this monster exists.

Of course it exists!

Oh, darling, this is Mr Templar.

My wife Eleanor.

Mrs Bastion.How do you do?

Mr Templar is...
I know what Mr Templar is, Noel.

A sceptic?

Like all the others.

The world is full of people
who won't believe their eyes.

Well, if you'll excuse me.Go ahead.

My husband is writing a book.

Er...it's the life of
the Duke of Wellington.

Fascinating subject.

Do I look like a neurotic,
superstitious woman?

Anything but.Thank you.

But the fact does remain that
the Loch Ness Monster

hasn't been
scientifically established.

I intend to do that myself.

That's quite an undertaking.Mm-hm.

I've amassed a good deal of
material, would you like to see it?

I'd be delighted.
Come into the trophy room.

Are these yours?

Yes. Before I was married to Noel,
I went on safari every year.

Very impressive.
I've given it up now.

I'm more interested in
the scientific approach,

mammalian evolution.

You kept your g*ns. Yes.

I couldn't quite bring myself
to sell them.

Well, perhaps there's something
to sh**t at in Loch Ness.

There have been hundreds
of eyewitnesses.

There's an excellent photograph.
Taken by a London surgeon.

Experts have certified that
it's unretouched and unfaked.

Look at this.

Plesiosaurus, a prehistoric animal.

I'm convinced that our monster
belongs to the same family.

Very interesting.
But you don't believe it?

On the contrary,
I have a completely open mind.

I wish there were more like you.
Come in.

What is it, Angus?

Inspector Mackenzie
is on the beach, ma'am.

You said you'd like a word
with him.I most certainly would.

The footprint measures
inches, inspector.

Surely you believe me now.

You can hardly blame us for being
a wee bit sceptical, Mrs Bastion.

I'd say that dog's
been dead about six hours,

so he was k*lled during the night.

And you didn't hear any barking?No.

But you've always said
he was a good watchdog.He was.

Strange that he didn't bark.

What are you driving at, inspector?

Well, suppose it was
some person that k*lled him,

somebody that he was used to.

That would explain why
he didn't bark.

Or maybe he was doped.

You can't really believe that a
human being would do that to a dog?

Golly was mashed to a pulp,
every rib broken.Aye, every rib.

I know exactly how he was k*lled.

The monster came out of the loch and
k*lled him and I intend to prove it.

Angus?Ma'am.

I want you to build a hide,

right here.

From now on, we're going to
watch the loch day and night.

I'll convince you yet, inspector.

All I'm concerned with, ma'am,

is trying to determine whether there
is a human felon to be apprehended.

If it turns out to be the monster,
that wouldn't be in my jurisdiction.

In that case, perhaps, Mr Templar
could be of more help to you.

I'd be very grateful.

Where are you staying, Mr Templar?
At the pub in the village.

Mrs Bastion, you've got
plenty of empty bedrooms,

it'd be a lot more comfortable.

I'd be very happy to have
Mr Templar as my guest.

That's very kind of you.

I'll go down to the pub
and pick up my bags.

Maybe you could
give me a lift on the way?

My pleasure. I'll see you later.

I can handle
ordinary villains and thieves,

but this monster business
makes me nervous.

Well, I imagine why.

You have no authority,
you understand,

except the rights of
any private investigator.

Which, if I may say so,

are not the same in Scotland
as they are in America.

Well, you'll let me know
about the postmortem on the dog?

Aye, I will that.

Willie, I want a word with you.
It's about my three sheep.

If that dog
didn't k*ll them, who did?

What do you
think you're doing?

I'm stopping you chasing Willie.
And what business is that of yours?

He's only half your size.

Listen, Mr Templar,
you're interfering.

And in this village,

folk who meddle in business
that doesn't concern them have a way of ending up in a coffin.

Sooner or later, Mr Clanraith,
all of us end up in a coffin.

Just the same, uncanny things
happen out on that loch.

Aye, they do that.

Five years ago, two students set out
to swim that loch at midnight.

Aye, I remember.
For a bet it was.Aye.

Then the fog came down
and they were never seen again.

They swam around in the fog
in circles and were drowned.

Ah, there's more to it
than that, Duncan.

Three weeks later, the head of one
of them was washed up on the beach.

Ah, the propellers of
the ferryboat chopped them up.

Aye, it's possible, perhaps.

Good evening to you, Mr Templar,
I hear you're leaving us.

Yes, I'm sorry to say.

Mm, you'll be more
comfortable at the Bastions'.

Great soft beds up there
and central heating.

But no draft beer.

A pint of the usual?Yes, thanks.

Thank you.

Er...I'll have a large whisky.

And I'll see your money first.

That's a £ note.

Here, where did you get that?
Been robbing the bank, Willie?

That's none of your business.
Or selling the Bastions' chickens?

And don't you forget my change!

Good evening, Willie.
Don't mind if I join you?

Are you afraid of me?

I er...want some information.

Did you really see the monster?

Or were you making it up?

Well, er..maybe
you were exaggerating.

Aye! Oh, aye.
Maybe I was, maybe I was nae.

Can't you be more specific?

I dare not.

Why not?

Because...

Come on, Willie,
you know something, level with me.

Maybe.

What is it?

I'll tell you later on.

What time and where?

Castle ruins at half past eight.

You won't let me down?

You can trust Willie.

Angus.

Are you driving up
to the Bastions', Mr Templar?

Yes. Care for a lift?
Well, if you wouldn't mind.

Glad of the company.

I'll settle the account
before I leave, Mr McAllister.

All right, Mr Templar,
your credit's good.

You're not our Willie.

Mr Templar, about this morning...

I made a mistake.
Hm, happens to all of us.

I thought you were bothering Ann.

It upset me.

You think a lot of her, eh?

When I get a little money laid by,
I plan to marry her.

Well, does she know that?

When the time comes, I'll tell her.

Good luck.Thanks.

But his appointment
as Irish secretary in ...

..did not prevent him from leading
an expedition against the Danes.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Except that...
you're a very beautiful young woman.

So is your wife.

The quality's dreadful, I'm afraid.

But no less than eight eyewitnesses
have sworn that's not a boat.

Well, it's hard to tell what it is.

The man who took this described
it as roughly feet long,

dark grey, a horse-like head on a
long tapering neck and two humps.

Well, he must have had
absolutely marvellous eyesight.

Why don't you face facts,
Mr Templar?

But there aren't any facts to face.

If the monster really exists,

why hasn't it been
discovered long before now?

I'll tell you.

The gorilla was unknown until ,
a little over years ago.

No-one had ever seen
a giant panda until ,

less than years ago.

The okapi wasn't discovered until
, quite accidently at that.

And the coelacanth, that's
the most interesting one of all.

The experts say that that became
extinct millions of years ago.

How wrong they were.

I know, there was one
caught in Africa in .

Well, there you are.But this
proves nothing about Loch Ness.

I'm absolutely convinced
that it exists.

Your tea, madam.

Oh, just put it down anywhere,
will you, Mrs Moncrieff?

And would you
take some to Mr Bastion?

He's still working.
What's that got to do with it?

He does not like to be disturbed!

Will you take him some tea
and stop arguing with me?

Very well, madam.

That woman drives me mad.

She insists on treating Noel
like some rare, old Dresden vase.

Well, what's the matter?That woman.

You hate her, don't you?
Of course not.

Ah, come on now, admit it.

I've worked in this house years.

I nursed Master Noel as a baby.

I sat at his sainted
mother's deathbed.

After all that,

I think I have a perfect right
to expect some consideration.

You have no rights at all,
Mrs Moncrieff,

you're only his housekeeper,

she's his wife.

Wellington's most famous victory,

the Battle of Waterloo,
was fought as...

Oh. Er...put it on
the little table, will you?

I see you've made nut bread.

I know you like it.

He ate a whole loaf once,
when he was five years old.

Remember? Yeah, I do.

Well, it's gone extremely well
today, do you not think so?Yes.

Another three months, I'll just
about finish the first draft.

Noel...What is it?Thank you.

I don't know how to say this.

I hate to leave you
in the lurch, but...

What are you talking about?
Well, I'm leaving.

You're what?Resigning.

You cannot mean that.

Well, it's not a
spur-of-the-moment decision.

I've thought it over carefully.
It's the best thing to do.

Noel, don't look like that.

Oh, how do you expect me to look?

I depend on you, I need you.

Nobody's irreplaceable.
That's nonsense.

There are lots of people
in this world who are irreplaceable,

and you are one of them.
You'll manage.

But why?Because of Father.

He thinks we're having an affair.

Oh, he's a Bible-thumping
puritanical old fool.

That may be so, but he's making
my life utterly miserable

and I can't stand it any longer.

Oh, Ann, I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.

I wish there was
something I could do.

You're doing very well.

Oh, Mrs Bastion,
I... I was just...

Oh, my dear, please,
explanations are too embarrassing.

Ann.Goodnight, Noel.

I'll drive you home.

I'd rather walk.
All right, then, I'll walk with you.

What you're thinking, it's not true.

I know perfectly well
you're tired of me.I am not!

Why don't you stop
being a gentleman?

Why don't you come right out
and say it?

You'd like to see me dead.

Where are you going?

Quite understandably, I suddenly
feel in need of some fresh air.

Father's brand of religion consists
entirely of not doing things.

Not gambling,
not drinking, not smoking.

Sounds like an exciting life.

What is it?

Somebody's following us.
Are you sure?

Willie!

Is that you, Willie?

Why Willie?

We have a date at the castle ruins
at half past eight.

What for?
Well, come along and find out.

Willie?

Well, maybe he won't turn up.

Well, it's only :.

I'll give him another ten minutes.

Willie!

Do you think he knows something?

I'm absolutely positive...

..but he's not coming.

Are you sure it came from here?
Positive.

It's so hard to see.

Willie!

Can you see anything?
There's too much fog.

It's the monster.

Well, I can't see a thing.

Simon!

It's Willie.

What do you make of it?

It's hard to know, inspector.

There's hardly a bone left unbroken.

What about the tears and punctures?

No doubt about it, animal's teeth.

What kind of animal?
That I can't tell you.

No beast on Earth that I know of
has that kind of power in his jaws.

Except one.

Doctor, you did the postmortem
on my dog, didn't you?

I did.And?

Exactly the same kind of wounds.

There, you see, it's obvious.

Golly and Willie were both
k*lled by the Loch Ness Monster.

Oh, here they come.

Inspector, can you give me a
statement on the cause of death?No.

We'll be in touch, inspector.
Thank you.

Mrs Bastion,
was it the monster?Of course.

The evidence for the existence
of the monster is overwhelming.

Mr Templar,
what's your interest in this?

Well, let's say I have
not bought an ailing hotel

on the banks of Loch Ness.Thanks.

And I've not been retained to
boost the Scottish tourist industry.

Are you gonna help Mrs Bastion
catch the monster?

If there is monster
and Mrs Bastion's after it,

then it's the monster
who'll need help.

What's your next move,
Mr Templar?Lunch.

Oh, one more question, Mr Templar.

Do you believe in the monster?

Does the monster believe in me?

A Magnum Express.Yes.

Stop a t*nk.In the right hands.

Assuming, of course, there's
anything in the Loch to sh**t at.

The only way we can find out
is to keep a watch around the clock.

Hm. There's only one snag -

there's miles of Loch Ness.

How do you know it's going
to strike on your beach?

It has twice before.True.

Well, if anything does turn up
of the size you expect,

it's going to take
more than one of us to handle it.

You're ready?

I've already thought of that.

I've rigged up an alarm
from the hide to the house.

You've made this
a personal vendetta, haven't you?

No, not really.

It's just that I sense something...

unimaginably brutal
and evil out there.

Something from
the beginning of the world.

Shall we go?

NOEL: Eleanor.

We're going down to the hide.
Wait a second, will you?

I'll be right with you.

What is it, Noel?

It's simply that a man
has been k*lled.

I think you should leave this affair

in the hands of the proper
authorities.Oh, you do, do you?

Inspector Mackenzie is quite
capable of taking charge...

Mackenzie's an idiot and for
heaven's sake, stop being so wishy-washy.Eleanor.Noel.

Why don't you go back to your book?

It is the Devil's business
she's about.

That'll do, Mary.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I meant no criticism
of the mistress, Master Noel.

I know you didn't.

There.

Well, that seems strong enough.

If you agree, suppose we keep watch
four hours on and eight hours off.

Seems reasonable.

I'll go first, I've still
got some work to do on it.Oh.

I'll take over at six o'clock.

And remember, Angus,
if you see anything,

press this alarm button here.Mm-hm.

Don't try and cope on your own.
No, I won't.

It's out there, I know.

Are you coming, Mr Templar?

No, I'll stay and help Angus.

I'll be back at six.Righto, ma'am.

Angus, after I dropped you
yesterday, what did you do?

Well, I... I went and had my tea.

Which reminds me...

And what did you do after tea?

I went to my cottage and I read.

Did you see anybody?

Just Fergus Clanraith.Where?

He dropped by, he wanted to
borrow some shotgun shells.

Did you give them to him?
Aye, half a dozen.

Did he say anything especially?

Nothing much.

You know,
he's against all this publicity.

He says it makes
the Loch Ness people look silly.

Oh, that reminds me,
he left his lighter.

Do you have it with you?Why?

Well, I'd like to take it back
to him, give me a chance to talk.

Thanks.What are you getting at?

Nothing, it's just
my unnatural curiosity.

I'll see you.

Hello, Mr Clanraith.I'm busy.

Well, don't let me disturb you.
No, I won't.

What do you think of this
monster business then?

Ah, it's just nonsense.

Mm-hm. And where were you
last night when Willie was k*lled?

What business is that of yours?

None.

Well, if you want to know,
I was here from noon onwards.

Except when you were with Angus.

What do you mean?

You er...left your lighter.

I forgot, I went down to Angus, yes.

And you borrowed some shotgun shells.

What if I did?Hunting?

You are just another of
these snoopers, aren't you?

All the same, you were pretty rough
on Willie in the village yesterday.

Aye, may he rest in peace.

But he was a poacher, mind.

He had three of my sheep and
more than a dozen of my hens.

Can you prove that?Aye.

He had a fiver yesterday, I'm told.

Now, he never had a fiver before in
his life, so where did he get it?

Your guess is as good as mine.

But you did see him last night?

No, but I was watching for him.

With a shotgun?With a shotgun.

It was nae a shotgun
that k*lled him.

It wasn't a monster, either.

Look, are you trying
to involve me in this?

Suppose I said I was.

I could ram the words
down your throat.

ANN: Father?

Oh, for heaven's sake,
what's the matter with you?

You can't talk to anybody any more
without attacking them.

Oh, he's impossible.

Well, you might say that.

What was it all about, anyway?

Willie was going to tell me
something last night,

and to keep him quiet,
somebody m*rder*d him.

The sugar and cream
is in the coffee mug.Thank you.

What time do you want
me to relieve you?

I don't need your help,
you stay here.

No, I want to help.

You mean you're actually
offering to co-operate?

Don't I always?

All right.

Four hours' time, say, ten o'clock?

Oh, Templar.Surprised to see me?

I thought you were in bed.

I thought you were supposed
to relieve Eleanor at ten.

Is it ten already?

I've been working so intently,
I lost track of time.

Er...I say...

I wonder, could I...
could I ask a tremendous favour?

Try it and see.

Well, I'm going so wonderfully
well on the book,

I hardly like to stop.

Would you change watches with me?

I'm sorry, I have other things to do.

You're late, Noel.I'm sorry.

I do try to please you, Eleanor.

You may not think so but it's true.

I haven't opened my coffee,
it'll still be hot.Thanks.

And if you do see something,
don't try and cope on your own,

ring this alarm bell.

Right.

Mr Templar's relieving
you at two, isn't it?

That's right.

Goodnight, Eleanor.Goodnight.

I thought you were...Your husband?

I have to hand it
to you, Mrs Bastion,

if you had managed
to k*ll Noel tonight,

your monster theory would
have had a lot more believers

than it did a week ago.

I'd planned it so.

I hate him.NOEL: Eleanor.

Why?

Has it ever crossed your mind
that a woman like me

could get sick to death of a man
who spends his life

writing about dead people?

Eleanor, I...

Eleanor. Eleanor!

Eleanor, come back!

Eleanor!

Come back!

Eleanor!

Come on, I know
where she'll come ashore.

ANGUS: What's up?
ANN: What's the matter?

Mr Bastion, sir, are you all right?
What happened?

Eleanor tried to k*ll Noel.

She was using the monster as a cover.

Angus, you'd better
call Inspector Mackenzie,

tell him to meet us
at the castle ruins.

Ann, look after Noel.
You come with me, Mr Clanraith.

We've found the body...

washed up about
two miles down the shore.

Was she...?

Badly mutilated.

Our theory is that she was run down
by the ferryboat in the fog

and got caught up in the propellers.

There's just one thing, inspector.

Yes?

Because of the heavy fog last night,
the ferry wasn't running.