05x09 - The Better Mouse Trap

[bunniefuu]

A Persian poet once said a woman's
eyes were all the jewels she needed.

I'm afraid not many of the dowagers,
divorcees and wealthy widows

who flock to Cannes during
the season seem to agree with him.

Can you wonder the place is a magnet
for every top crook in the business?

They take time and trouble
to select their victims.

And each has his own way
of operating.

Take the Fly Man, for instance.

Perhaps not the most spectacular

but certainly the most dangerous.

Who's that?

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Argh! Argh! Aaargh!

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Oh, come quickly!

Please! Please!
My jewels have been stolen!

Help! Help! Help!

Aaargh!

What is wrong?

Here.

Give her brandy, girl.
Can't you see it's shock?

You find some, then.

Operator, would you call the police?
This is Room .

There's been a robbery. Thank you.

Well, thank goodness for one man
who can keep his head in a crisis.

I'm Natalie Sheridan.

Sebastian Tombs, believe it or not.

Of course I believe it.

People always believe what they're
told by the infamous Simon Templar.

What went wrong?
They nearly got me.

OK, you can get up now.

What happened?

The old dame woke up.

You got the stuff?
Yeah.

What happened to your suit?

I had to leave it. No time to
get back to the room to change.

You said the man went directly
to the vase, Lady Haverstock?What?

Hm?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Do you usually keep your jewels
in such a place?

Well, it seemed safe enough.
Until tonight.

What will my husband say?

Is anyone else familiar
with this habit?

No.How, then, do you account
for the thief's movements?

Someone must have told him.
But who?

That, Colonel Latignant, as Chief of
Police, is your job to find out.

Anything?

Plainly he climbed along the wall
from another balcony.

Oh, well done. Magnificent

What value do you place
upon the missing pieces, Madame?

£,.

A large sum to leave
lying around in a bedroom.

Not if you did your job properly.

Never fear, Madame.
We shall recover your jewels.

How?

I am expecting to lay my hands
upon the thief almost immediately.

Come in, Colonel.

What is this?
Champagne. A small celebration.

Of what?

I had a lucky night.

Something perhaps to do with
jewellery?

Roulette.
You seem to be expecting me.

Naturally. How about you?
Oh, merci.

Non, merci.

Incorruptible.
All right, strictly business.

You strike my mood with precision.
I am on duty.

Where were you when the thief
left Lady Haverstock's room?

In the corridor.
Then you saw the man?

Briefly.
Could you describe him?

Yes. He was...medium height,

medium build...
Colouring?

Medium.

Clothes?
Ooh, dark.

Ish.
Ish?

And you never saw him before,
naturally?

Naturally.

You arrived here tonight from
Monte Carlo?As you already know.

Why should I know?

Because there was a jewel theft
at my hotel in Monte Carlo.

You put two and two together
and it came to Cannes.

Does it not strike you as odd
that whenever you are around,

jewellery seems to disappear?
Very odd.

You have an explanation?

None that you would believe.
Are you sure?

I am not convinced that you know
as little as you pretend.

There has been a series
of jewel thefts recently

from hotels on the Cote d'Azur.

The thief always acting
on inside information.

And you think the inside information
comes from me?Just so.

So you want an account
of my movements while I'm here.

I must demand it.
Very well.

In the morning at ten, I shall
be by the pool at Eden Roc.

I shall either be swimming or taking
the sun, maybe both or maybe neither.

There is a saying, monsieur.

He who laughs last, laughs best.

Oh, there's another.

If you give a dog a bad name,

do not be offended if he fastens his
teeth into the seat of your pants.

You agree?
Oh, yes.What?

He is our man.
Oh, undoubtedly.

The question is,
who is his accomplice?

Well, we have a description.

Means nothing. Too vague.

Meanwhile, I want him
under surveillance night and day.

Note every contact, endeavour
to overhear all conversations, starting from now.

But discreetly, Alphonse.
Discreetly.

Ah, oui.Erm...

This routine of not being seen
together is getting very boring.

But safer.

Do you want me to go back
and get your clothes?

I've my own way of getting them.

Bonsoir, Monsieur.
Could I have my key, please?

Your room is to your taste,
Monsieur?

Yes, thank you.

You have friends in Cannes,
Monsieur?

I have not been well.

I came down here for some peace
and some quiet.

My key, please.

As you wish, Monsieur.

How much, do you figure?

£,, £,.

So easy.

All I risked was a broken neck.

Well, you got away with it.

Only just. And if they get me,
it won't be long before they get all three of us.

You frightened?

Cautious.

She tips us off where the stuff is.

If it's a safe, you cr*ck it.
If it isn't, I climb in.

We have the perfect set-up.

Waiter!

This seat is taken?

Oh, erm... Well, actually,
I'm keeping it for a friend.

Then I will just sit down
until she comes back.

A thousand apologies, darling.
So sorry.

Simon!

How did you know I needed help?

Us educated roues have
an instinct about these things.

Oh, waiter.

Two Martinis, please.

I'm not the kind of girl you think.

I don't normally go into bars
by myself.

How very thrifty of you.

Over here, they seem to think that
if you aren't waiting for one man,

you MUST be waiting for all men.

Natalie, where are you from?

Canada. Montreal.

Well, don't men ever speak
to pretty girls there?

It's not the same thing.

Or maybe when one's been married
for a while, one forgets.

Where is your husband?
We're divorced.

So you came to Europe to forget?

Mm. Something like that.

Well, if you are going to continue
this little jaunt by yourself,

you'd better get used to
men trying to pick you up.

Oh, I don't mind that.

If they're the right men.

Oh, I say!Good lord!
What's the matter with him?

Ooh!

I gave you a perfect alibi.

Was he convinced?
I don't think so.

That's my Latignant.

Give him a prejudice and he'll defend
it in the face of all known facts.

Oh, glory!

Who is she?

She's a terrible old gasbag
I met in Monte Carlo last week.

Bertha Noversham.

Well, if we duck out now,
she may not see you.

Too late.Natalie!
You sneaky little thing, you.

Fancy checking out like that
without even saying goodbye.

Who's your handsome friend?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Mrs Noversham, Mr Templar.

Good evening. Why don't you join us?

Lucky I saw you. This place is full
of tourists and charabanc parties these days.

Any minute we'll be having community
singing and an electric organ.

Will you have a drink?

Oh, that's nice.
Champagne cocktail, please.

My dear, do you know what
the Thisbys served on that fabulous yacht?

One measly aperitif before
and Algerian Graves with dinner.

I mean, only a millionaire
can insult his friends like that.

A champagne cocktail.

Bernie! Darling!

Over here! Come on over here!

Bernie Kovar, the film producer.
Married to Milo Gambodi.

They're making a picture in Paris.

Mr Kovar, Mrs Sheridan, Mr Templar.

Mr Kovar.Thank you.
Sit down.Yes, do.

Is Milo with you?
She gets in tonight.

Is she bringing her jewels?
Sure. Why not?

Tell her to be very careful
with them.

Oh, you mean the jewel robberies?
Mm-hm.

They don't worry me.

There's a safe in the penthouse
and we're only here one night.

Bernie, what's your picture about?

We would be fascinated to hear about
it but I'm afraid we have to leave. Darling? So soon?

Yes, we have to go
to an early dinner party.

Oh, good idea. I'll join you.

Well, I'm afraid
it's a private party.Ah.

Mrs Noversham, I hope we meet again.

Mr Kovar.

Natalie.

Charge me for whatever
the gentleman has.

That's a very pretty girl.
Who is she?

That's a very good question.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't think our Natalie
is quite all she pretends to be.

L'addition, s'il vous plait.
Toute de suite, Monsieur.

Simon? Mm?
Please let me pay my share.

Is that the way romance
is conducted in moribund Montreal?

Well, we're not having a romance.

You think that having a meal with a
man is like selling yourself to him?

Most men seem to think so.

You have a fairly dim opinion
of the male animal.

With good reason.

Natalie, you divorced one man.

Not the entire sex.

Well, from what I've seen,
they're all exactly the same.

Voila, Monsieur.

Merci.

How much?

Des fleurs pour madame.
Dix francs, Monsieur?

Merci.

Thank you.

Can I have the five Francs now
or will I get it in kind later?

Simon, I know you must think
I'm an awful prig

but I really did have a bad time.

Well, they have the right therapy
for what ails you here.

Ah. What's that?
Blue skies, hot sun...rich food.

Brings you back to normal in no time.

Well, I know one thing. I've
got the right physician, anyway.

Well, shall we go to the casino?

Well, it's such a lovely night.
Couldn't we take a drive first?

Why not?
I'll just go and freshen up.

JG.

Make sure you let me know
as soon as she arrives.

And keep Templar out of his room
for at least an hour.

Right.

Big new job coming up.

Milo Gambodi, the actress.

Jewels as big as eggs.

Two jobs in the same hotel?

We've worked out a plan
to keep the police off your trail.

How?

Well, I'm going to plant these
in Mr Templar's room,

then tip off the police.

The minute they arrest him,
we go to work on Gambodi.

This was HER idea?

You know your trouble, Hugo?
You don't like working for a woman.

Beautiful.

Sex w*r over?

Just signed the armistice.

Make a resolution too?
For instance?

To live for the future
and not the past.

Well, well, Alphonse.
Turned peeping Tom?

I am on duty, Monsieur.

What are you looking for,
stolen hubcaps?

What's this all about?

Alphonse here thinks
we're planning a crime.

He must be insane!

My apologies, Mademoiselle.
An unfortunate error.

Good night, Monsieur.
Bonsoir, Alphonse.

How long had he been there?

He's been following us all night.
But why?

He thinks you're passing me
information.

What about?

About where certain ladies
keep their jewels at night.

Do they seriously think
you did those robberies?

In this place, if a car is parked
ten minutes over time,

Colonel Latignant starts swearing out
a warrant for my arrest.

Must we leave?

Doesn't the thought of the French
police lurking in the undergrowth k*ll your mood too?

Monsieur Templar?

Uh-oh. Shall we fight
or give in gracefully?

Let's go over.
She's not such a bad old bird.

We're just going to the casino.
Why don't you join us?

Oh, that would be fun, yes.

How about you, Milo?
Are you ready for the road?

Who are these peoples?

You've already met her, Milo.

My wife, she's overtired
from the trip.

He is very cute.

Yes, well, I'll go and change.

Oh, there's no big rush, is there?
I won't be long.

Isn't he beautiful?

Buy me that, Bernie, hm?
Buy it for me.

Bonsoir. Ca va bien?

Bonsoir, Marie.
Bonsoir.

Who was he?

I've no idea.

Nothing was stolen from your room?
Not that I'm aware of.

We found this on the body, Monsieur.
Oh, magnificent

Hotel Dauphine.
Where is it?

Rue du Bourg.

Do you know it, Monsieur Templar?
No.

I do not believe you.

I think this man was your
accomplice.

I think he was delivering to you
stolen property.

You had an argument and...

Are you making a formal accusation
of m*rder?

First, we will see what we find in
your room.

Nothing here, Monsieur.
You satisfied, Colonel?

No sign of the jewellery.

Yet nothing was stolen
from your room.

What, then, was the man doing here?

You're the police. You tell me.

Now, if you don't wish
to charge me with anything...

No doubt we shall find some clue
at the Hotel Dauphine.

Then I shall be back
with all the charges I need.

Meantime, you are to remain here.

Stay here. Do not allow Templar
to leave this room.

He fell?! But how?

Well, what shall I do?

Yes. OK.

I will go right away to his room
and get the stuff.

Come in.

Simon, you didn't k*ll him, did you?

No.

Well, I'm so mixed up.
Everyone says you did.

Well, what do you think?

I believe you.

Good.

Policeman outside?
Yes.

We'll have to outwit him, won't we?

But how?

Everybody else uses the window.
Oh, you can't.

Simon, please don't. You'll fall.

You'd really care?

It's so dangerous.
Why don't you be sensible?

What, cooperate with the police?

Why not? If you've nothing to hide.

Our lamented fallen friend
was trying to frame me.

It's a habit with some people,

trying to bait a trap
with an unusual kind of cheese.

What kind?
Me. Wait here for me.

Monsieur?

You are the patron?
Yes, Monsieur.

I am Colonel Latignant.
Who occupies this room?

Merci, Madame.

Bonsoir, Madame.
Is my chief still up there?

Room .

The man's name?
Tench. An English man.

Did he have any telephone calls?

Three or four.

All from the same person?
It was a woman. Always the same one.

French?
Yes, but she had a little accent.

Oh? What sort of an accent?

I could not say, Monsieur.

Bonsoir, Monsieur!
Can you tell me anything else?

Once when she called, I hear
the voice of other operators.

They are saying 'Continental Hotel'.

Ah. Did Tench have
any other callers or friends?

He knew Monsieur Withers,
though he pretended not to.

Who is Withers?
Just went out.

Merci, Madame.

Who is it calling, please?

Oh. One moment.

It's for you. A woman.
Who is she?

She refuses to give her name.
Deal with her.

She says it's about Templar.

Latignant here.

How do you know this, Madame?

Interesting, Colonel?

My friend, this time we've got him.

You idiot! You let him get away.

But that is impossible, Colonel.
I swear!

And YOU helped him to escape.
I've a good mind to -

You looking for me, Colonel?

What's the matter? There's no law
against me taking a breath of fresh air on the balcony, isthere?

Taking air is one thing.

Wait.

I am very glad you are here,
Mademoiselle. As a witness.

Behold.

What do you see? I will tell you.

You see Lady Haverstock's earrings.

Are you sure, Colonel?

Never fear. She will identify them
beyond question.

Well, just as a matter of interest,
how did you know where to look?

An informant told me. A woman.

But she wouldn't know they were
there, would she?

Unless she put them there.

Do not confuse this argument
with fact!

I apologise.
Come. You are under arrest.

For the next yrs, you will be living
at the expense of the French government.

Let me go and you'll have
the real thief before morning.

I HAVE the real thief.

You're making a terrible mistake,
Colonel.

No, Monsieur.
It is YOU who make the mistake.

And your last for many years.

Believe me, Colonel,
I am really sorry about this.

Argh!

Get him! Get him!

Police! After him! After him!

'Live for the future
instead of the past', he said.

That's dialogue straight out
of a B picture.

You should know, darling.

And I was stupid enough
to believe him.

You're stupid if you believe men.

Any man.

The day they learn to talk,
they learn to lie.

Well, personally, I don't think
he stole Lady Haverstock's jewels.

But they found her earrings
in his room.

Another.

Milo, I think it's time
you went to bed.

Give me one good reason.
Because you're tired.

Of your big mouth!
Bernie's right. It's very late.

Come on, Natalie.

Good night, Milo.Good night.
Good night, Bernie.

Thank you for the drink.
It's been a pleasure.

See you again.
Yes. Good night.

Don't drop it like that.

Why not? I bought it.

You're an awful bore
when you're drunk.

And you're an awful bore
when I'm sober.

Natalie, dear,
do take a sleeping pill.

You'll feel better in the morning.

I doubt it. Good night, Bertha.
Good night.

You escaped.
Correct.

What are you doing in my room?

Making champagne cocktails.

You're after my jewels.

On my word of honour, I'm not.

If you don't believe me,
you can call the police.

After my champagne cocktail.

Cherry?
Thank you.

Incidentally, are the Kovars in bed?

Only just, I should think.
I left them two minutes ago.

Why?
No reason.

You know, Mr Templar, I find you
a very likeable young man.

You have great taste.

No, I mean it.
You're charming and amusing.

Mrs Noversham, our regard is mutual.

Thank you.
To the future.

I don't have much future.

Nonsense.

No, I'm just a rather frumpy
middle-aged woman -

with a little money.

You're a very charming
and gracious lady.

Oh, how nice of you to say so.

I could wish you'd been as kind
to Natalie. She's terribly upset.

Oh? What about?

Dear boy, I think she's fallen
in love with you.

Did she say so?
No, but I can tell.

She's positively radiant.
Compared with last season.

Natalie Sheridan was here last year?
Why, what's so strange about that?

Nothing. I...just thought this was
her first trip.

Come in.

I'll be through with this one
in one second.

Going somewhere?

I thought you were in jail!
Isn't that what you wanted?

What I wanted?!
But that's ridiculous!

Is it? I see you're packing.

Yes. I'm going home. I'm just
not cut out for this kind of life.

And what sort of life
are you cut out for?

What do you mean?

Mixed-up little girl,
not very sure of herself...

moonlight drive by the Mediterranean,

while someone planted
those earrings in my room.

Who's JG?
Jack Gordon, my ex-husband.

Not that it's any of your business.

Ever been to Cannes before?

How dare you cross-question
me like this.

You're the one who's wanted by
the police.That's right, isn't it?

You'd better turn me in, hadn't you?

Here.

Wrong number?

I can't.

Why not?

Because...

Because I'm a complete fool.

You! You take five men.
You cover the airport.

Check the roadblocks.
You, take as many men as you need,

you cover the station,
all roads leading north.Colonel.

Check the roadblocks. You, alert
the harbour police. Tell them to watch every singleboat.

What about his hotel?I'm surrounded
by idiots. Templar is not fool enough to go back to his hotel.

Colonel, the telephone.
Will you stop interrupting me?

I am interested in talking
to nobody! I want only to apprehend Templar.

But this IS Templar!
Then why didn't you say so?

Hello.
Hello, Colonel.

Right over here at the hotel.

Now, watch your blood pressure,
colonel. I promised you, you'd have the real thief before morning.

So if you and your Keystone Cops
would like to toddle over here,

you'll catch him red-handed.

Mr Withers?

Aaargh!

Your thief, Colonel.

It is another trick. A lie.

If you don't believe me,
look in his pockets. Alphonse.

And he has an accomplice.

Oh, I'm aware of her.
The beautiful lady from Montreal.

Oh, you know?
Of course.

I recognised her accent.
Canadian French.

And what is more...
Yes?

We discovered she has a ticket
on the dawn flight.

But she won't be on it.
Indeed not.

Thanks to you. Colonel,
I really mean this,

sometimes I wonder how you do it.

I have many years of experience.

Amazing. May I come with you?
Oh, I know where to find her.

I know but it's such a thrill
to watch you work.

After you.
Merci.

But this is not her room.
She'll be here, I promise.

Mademoiselle, I regret greatly

to have to inform you
that you are under arrest.

Me?!

Shall I explain how you do it?
I wish you would, Colonel.

You make friends, Mademoiselle,
with lonely, rich old women.

Colonel, I -
Be silent!

In no time at all,
you are comparing jewels.

Soon, they tell you
where they keep them.

With Lady Haverstock,
it was under the flowers.

So... you tell your accomplice,
the man who fell tonight,

and we have learned, Mademoiselle,
that once he worked in the circus,

on the high trapeze.

So, he comes up the wall,
into Lady Haverstock's room,

and out go the jewels.

Bravo, Colonel, you're magnificent.
Merci.

You have it absolutely right.
Oh.Except for one thing.

How is that?

The wrong girl.

The jig's up, Bertha.

I guess it is.

Huh?
Yes.

There must be some mistake!

Dozens, darling.

The biggest one was marrying
Danny Tench.

Your husband?
Uh-huh.

Believe it or not, I was
his partner in a trapeze act,

The Flying Tenches.

Allez, Alphonse.
Oh!

Well, Colonel, that leaves us
with just one or two little points.

Oh, there will be no charge
of assaulting a police officer

and there will be no charge
of stealing a police car.

And you will agree there will
be no charge of false arrest?

It's a deal.

And I tell you what, I'll buy you
a new hat out of my % reward.

Mademoiselle.
Bonsoir.

You'll miss your plane.

I hope so.

How did you know that Bertha did it?

Because I knew it wasn't you.

You were taking a terrible risk.

I had to.

When they offered me as bait,
there was only one thing to do.

Make a better mousetrap.