04x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

That was the best sh*t
you had today, Bat.

Went right in the cup.

Yeah, but does it count, since
it bounced off that lady's head?

Sure, sure, everything counts.

You see the way that thing
bounced off her?

Why, she must have
a steel plate in her!

And if she doesn't,
she will have.

I just... I mean,
I hope she's okay!

Oh, she's fine.
She's fine.

I don't know. She's still
lying in that sand trap.

No, she's up. See?

Oops!

I got in the front nine.

I should wind up
in the s today.

Let's see what I got here.

I got, uh,

Six, three, uh...

.

I'm gonna finish under .

You're sure you played
this game before?

Oh, yeah, sure! It's...
It's, uh, bursitis.

It throws my game off totally.

I got bursitis

in my neck!

Huh. I got some on my neck
and in my shoulder

and in my arm and in my back.

A little in the face too,
has been spreading like crazy.

Oh, I love your sense of humor!

[CHUCKLES]

Should we tell him now?
Sure.

We were gonna wait to tell you
in the clubhouse,

but the way you've been playin',

I might not live long enough
to finish this game.

Uh, go on, Jack.

Tell him the big news.

Get ready, Bat.
This is big!

Are you ready?

Okay.

You're sure you're ready?

You bet.

I love moments like this.

It's like the Academy Awards.

Jack, you gonna tell him?

Bat, how would you
like a new job?

A new job?

Is that the way you tell him?

With a buildup like that,
you just say,

[MOCKING]
"How'd you like a new job?"

Uh, what...?
What new job?

What's wrong with that?

You k*lled the drama.

You totally k*lled the drama.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I k*lled the drama.

It's okay.

You forget about it now.

You want to do the back nine
or have lunch first?

It doesn't matter to me.

Excuse me,
but you mentioned a new job.

What sort of job?

Didn't I tell you?

Hard to believe he's
the leader of a state.

If this was Texas, we'd have
sh*t him a long time ago.

Bat!

How would you like to be
lieutenant governor?

Lieutenant governor, me?

Right.

You already have one.

I don't like him.

Why?

Why?

He's a gamblin' drunk.

Right!

And he makes loud noises
when he eats.

Okay, Jack.
I have to sit next to him at banquets.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

I got cows that
eat softer than that.

Uh, Jack...

Now, uh, one term
as lieutenant governor,

and then we'll run you
for senator.

Senator?!

We did a poll.

People will vote for ya.

They like what you stand for.

Oh, you got a wonderful profile.

Really? I never
liked it very much.

I never thought that
the chin was strong enough.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

There it is again.

That wonderful sense of humor!

[LAUGHS]

You sure you don't have
a little Jewish blood in you?

Senator Bat Campbell.
Sounds good, huh?

And Gene, here, will
finance your campaign.

What do you say?

You'll finance my campaign?

Be happy to.

I need me a senator. I now own
six governors, congressmen,

four attorney generals, cars,
houses, but not one senator.

Uh... own?

Oh, well, now, I'm
just joshin' with ya.

You can't own people.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That misguided fellow,
Lincoln, saw to that.

Now, uh...

what I'm sayin' is I just have
a real nice relationship

with a whole lotta people.

What do you say, senator?

Gee, I wish my father
were alive to see this.

If he was a golfer,
it'd probably k*ll him.

You know, Bat, we could hire
somebody to play your father,

like Melvyn Douglas.

He could campaign for you.

He's got a mind like oatmeal.

He'd get
the senior-citizen vote.

Well, you think about it, Bat?

Now, you don't have to make
any decisions on anything,

but just sorta get used
to the idea, huh?

Now, what do you say
we keep playin',

and then we'll have lunch, huh.

All right.
You're up, Bat.

Yeah.
You got it! All right!

[LAUGHING] I love this so...

[BOTH GUFFAW]

Gotta ease up.
Ease up a little bit.

Gonna hit the car.

Truck's gonna hit the Mercedes.

Truck's on fire.

What happened to the Mercedes?

I don't see it.

Think it went over the cliff.

Um... what
should I do?

Change your grip.

Turn your wrist, keep your head
down longer and follow through.

Hiya, big guy.

Oh.
How's it goin'?

Dutch.

Boy.

You don't look too good.

I don't?

No, you look a little puffy.

Puffy?

Yeah, kinda like Poppin' Fresh.

Poppin' Fresh?

Yeah, Poppin' Fresh,
the Pillsbury Doughboy.

[GIGGLES]

I haven't slept.

I'm staying at the Y,
and I can't sleep a wink.

How come?

I'm surrounded
by winos and h*m*.

The winos keep trying
to steal my wallet,

and the h*m* just keep trying.

Why are you stayin'
at the Y then?

Well, I haven't got any money.

That's, uh, why I asked you
to meet me, Dutch.

Would you loan me a little?

[SIGHS]

Dutch?

Only for a while.

Aw, big guy, why don't you
just come home?

What'll it be?
Eggs.

You think you can make them
without Pennzoil today?

Oh, God, we got
Sir Laurence again.

Why do you come here?

All you do is complain.

I'm not complaining.

I'm merely making a request.

Yesterday, my poached eggs were
served in an oil slick.

[SWEETLY] Did you want the
crust cut off your toast too?

Please.

I'll just have a coffee.

It'll be greasy.

I don't how they do it.
They make greasy coffee.

Come on home, big guy.
We need ya.

Billy hardly speaks a word
of English anymore,

and Annie is miserable,
and I miss ya,

and the pool is filthy!

Come on, eh?

I'm afraid to, Dutch.

The thought of Jess
with a foreigner

makes me so angry, I could k*ll!

I've k*lled before.

I'm afraid I'll k*ll again.

I still love her Dutch.

I want her back.

[SNIFFLES]

I want her.

[SOBBING]
I want her. I want her.

Aw, come on, big guy.
Come on.

Now, you just stop and think
about it for a minute.

Hey, what's the big deal?

They had one night
of passion, right?

[BLUBBERS]

So what?

One night, what's
to get crazy about?

[BLUBBERS INDISTINCTLY]
So they strip.

Oh! Oh!

What is that?
Just bodies.

Naked bodies.

So she gets naked with him.

And he gets naked with her!

I'll k*ll him!
I'll k*ll him!

I swear, I'll k*ll him!

Thank you.

[HUFFING]

You gotta watch
your nerves, big guy.

I still love her, Dutch.
I want her back.

Well, you gotta learn to live
with life not bein' perfect.

What do ya think I've been
doin' lately?

Things with me and Eunice
is terrible.

Oh, sorry, Dutch.

My sex life is in the toilet.

She can't do it
unless we do a fantasy.

Dutch, Eunice is my daughter.

Well, she should be in bed
with Walt Disney.

Dutch?

One night, I'm a cop.
Next night, I'm a storm trooper.

Then I'm a forest ranger.

I got a hell of a collection
of boots now, let me tell you.

Boy, do I miss the good old days

of "Screaming and
Scratching" Corinne.

Stop it, Dutch!
Stop it!

Hey! Hey...

Hey, hey!
Come on, come on!

Get outta here!
Get outta here, will ya?

Fine, I'm leaving.

I don't even want to stay.

Let me tell you something,
my good man.

I do a lot of business
entertaining.

Rest assured
I shall not do it here.

That'll be three bucks
for the meal.

Uh, Dutch, uh...

pay the man.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Chester?

Hi.

Danny.

Annie, is Chester here?

Uh, no, not at the moment.

He kind of, uh...
stormed out.

Come on in.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

You okay?

Great! How about you?

Me? Ha! Great.

Good. That's...
That's good. Yeah. Heh.

[SIGHS]

[SOBBING] Oh, God!

I can't stand it.

[CRYING]

I'm so miserable.

[EXHALES]

So, what's new?

Oh, not much.
Heh-heh.

Chester left me.

[SIGHS]

Is that why he's not here?

I think so.

I'm sorry, he's not.

I really needed to talk to him.

[EXHALES]

Problem?

Yeah.

I usually talk to Burt
about my problems,

but, uh, Burt is no longer Burt.

I mean, he's changed, you know?

Chester's changed too.

Yeah, and I don't wanna talk
to my mother about this problem

'cause she's got
enough problems.

Gwen is gone,
so I can't talk to her.

And even if she were here
so I could talk to her,

I wouldn't have to talk to her

because my problem
is the fact that she's gone.

You see, if she didn't go...

I... I got it.

Every time I get close
to a woman,

she either runs off
or gets sh*t.

I hope this is just a phase.

Every time I get close to a man,
he runs away too.

Hm.

Hey, what is it with us?

How come people are always
running out on us?

You don't suppose it's something
we do that drives them away.

You know, I mean, like...

some disgusting habits we have?

It must be.

I mean, I have some
really disgusting habits.

Come on, how could you have
any disgusting habits?

Oh, I do!

Mine are more disgusting.

You wanna talk
disgusting habits,

you are looking at the king.

Nothing compared to mine.

Oh, come on!

You don't believe me?

[SNICKERS]
Nah. Okay, listen.

[SLURPING]

Well?

That's pretty disgusting.

But, uh, I wouldn't leave you
just because you drink

like a St. Bernard.

Chester's very sensitive.

Mm.

[SNORTS]

I hum when I eat.

Yeah.

You don't believe me, do ya?

I don't even know I'm doing it.

I make this hm-mm-mm-mm sound
when I'm having dinner.

Sounds like I'm making love.

Do you ever get white stuff
on the corners of your mouth?

Are you kidding?
I invented that.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Honest to God,

I look like Old Yeller right
before they sh*t him.

Is that why she left?

I think it's my legs.

What's wrong with your legs?

Aw, come on, look!

What?

Too skinny.

Oh, please
You have a great body.

I wish I had your body.

Now, why would you want my body?

Your body's incredible.

Oh-ho. You're just
saying that.

No, no really.

If I wasn't feeling so terrible
and you weren't my stepmother,

I'd...

You know, I'd...
I'd look at it harder.

Well, and if I wasn't feeling
so miserable, I'd, uh...

Well, me too.

I mean, you... You really
have some great body.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm...

I'm flattered.

Well, this has
been great. Heh.

I mean... I mean thanks
for lettin' me talk.

You really made me feel better.

Me too. Thanks.

Anytime.

And if you ever wanna talk
some more, I'd...

I'd be happy to listen.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Me too.

I better get the hell
outta here.

Oh?

Uh, it's not that I want to,

I just think...

Yeah, I know.

I'll see ya.

You hungry?

Famished.

There's a new pizza joint
in town...

I love pizza.

I'll hum.

I'll order a Coke,
and I won't even hear.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Mary!

Mary!

Oh, Burt!

Mary!
Burt!

Mary, what happened?
What happened?

The baby, is Scotty all right?

Is the baby sick?

No, he's fine.

Fine? Fine?

You call the office hysterical,

say something unintelligible
about the baby,

I race over here,
and you say, he's fine?

What's the matter with you?!

If I tell you,
you'll think I'm crazy.

Mary.

Scotty's okay.
He's okay.

He's just a little
exhausted from flying,

so he's taking a nap right now.

Flying.

He's flying now?

I am not crazy.

Scotty does not fly.

I know for a fact.
It's genetic.

Nobody in my family ever flew.

Why won't you believe me?

Mare, did you actually
see him flying?

That is not the point.

Has anybody ever seen him fly?

I think Chuck.

Chuck.
Chuck talks to Bob.

This is your star witness?

He was out of his crib.

How did he get out of his crib?

Mary, babies get out of
their cribs! I don't know how.

Normal -months-old babies
do not defy gravity.

I'm going back to the office.

He has super-human strength.
Mary.

How did he push the toy chest
across the room?

Babies figure out how
to do things. I don't know how!

How...? How heavy could
that toy chest be?

Burt, it was built-in.

Hi, Dad.
Oh, hi, hello.

Oh, what a cute little
terrific kid.

Hey, Chuck, show him
what Scotty did?

Yeah, he was messin' around
with his crayons.

[MARY GASPS]

That's not normal.

Twelve-months-old babies
don't experiment in cubism.

Maybe this is a quirk.

A quirk?

A quirk!

Picasso painted
when he was three.

Mozart wrote a symphony
when he was eight.

Scotty is one.

So he's advanced for his age.

My baby lifts heavy objects,
paints and flies,

and you call it a quirk.

Mary, I wanna ask you something.

Have you had anything
to drink today?

Oh, come on, Burt.
On my honor.

Tell him, Chuck.

Oh, no, it's the truth, Dad.

Yeah, me and Mary went
on the wagon together.

Oh, that's good!
I'm gonna go check.

He won't believe me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mary Campbell?
Yes.

My name is Dr. Rudolph.
I'm a psychiatrist.

I am not crazy.
He flies.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Have you come to take me away?

Where you wanna go?

I'm confused.

I'm Jodie's analyst.

Oh, my God! Come in.

[CHUCKLES]

What's the matter with Jodie?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

He's...
He's fine. He's...

Well, there is
a little something

I think you should be aware of.

What?

Uh, Julius?

Right this way.

Here we are.

This is your home. See?

Jodie?

[YIDDISH ACCENT]
This is my family?

This is not my family.

Julius, this is your mother.

Excuse me,
this is not my mother.

My mother look like an elk.

This lady is a Rockette.

What's the matter with him?

He thinks he's
an old Jewish man.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God!

Jodie, Jodie.

[SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]

Lady, I'm old enough
to be your father.

What have you done to him?

Well, we were
searching... BOB: Uh, doctor?

Are we dealing here
with a highly complicated

and a rare schizophrenia and
multiple-personality crossover,

and if not,
should we rule out trauma?

I think your analysis
is most perceptive. Mm-hmm.

However, in this case,
it's a combination

of sensory deprivation
and hypnosis,

resulting in
a possible aggression

to a previous bodily
manifestation,

or incarnation, if you will.

Fascinating. I've never heard
of a case like this before.

Well, you see, we were
searching for the root cause...

I'm talking to a dummy.

I'm a dummy?

You turn your patient
into an old Jewish man,

and I'm the dummy.

All right, Mary,
now, I checked the baby.

He is not flying.

"Not flying"?

Right. Who, uh...?
Who are you?

Burt, this is
Dr. Rudolph.

Yeah, hello.

And this...

is Julius.

Ju-Julius?

Oy, look who's here.

Wyatt Earp.

What is the matter with him?

He's Jewish.

You know, this is cute.
This I never saw.

Burt, Dr. Rudolph
is Jodie's psychiatrist.

All right.
What did you do to him?

What is the matter?
What did you do to him?!

I-I took him back
hypnotically.

What back? What are
you talking about?

In time,
to a previous existence.

He got stuck somewhere
in the Lower East Side.

Well, unstick him.

Uh, no. Oh, no!
Negative, Burt.

To presuppose a cure when you
do not understand the problem

could be disastrous.

You know, that cowboy
I could live with,

but this dummy is too much!

Hey!

Who are you calling a dummy?

Not you, shorty.
The other feller.

I'm the dummy?

Only a dummy would talk
to a puppet.

He's got a point there.

Listen to me now.

Whatever you did to him,
you undo,

or I will sue you
for malpractice, pally.

I will ruin you.

It's all legal, sheriff.

He signed a waiver.

How could this happen?

Look, all I know is,

I was sitting in a delicatessen,

minding my business,
having a mild coronary...

Jodie.

Oh, and please,
don't call me Jodie.

Jodie is a name for a puppy.

My name is Julius Kassendorf.

I think you should call him
Julius for the time being.

Oh. And this is
your medical opinion?

Look, he's still
under treatment.

I'll see him once a day,

and hopefully, we can pull him
out of this thing.

But how long will this take?

Oh, a couple of days,
a few weeks... several years.

Just sit tight and keep a lot
of gefilte fish in the house.

I'll pick him up
by first thing Tuesday.

We have a Mike Douglas Show
in the morning.

Here's my card.
Call anytime. Quickly.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait!

You can't...
You can't bring my son home

like he's some kind of freak!

Where's the bathroom?

I can't deal with this now.

Don't let him outside.

I don't believe this.

My eldest stepson
is now my nephew.

My only real son
talks to a puppet.

My wife sees flying babies.

And my other stepson
used to be gay,

pft, now he's an old Jewish guy.

I gotta get outta here.

All right...

don't leave this house.

Anybody.

Ever.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Jodie is an old Jewish man,

will Mary keep a kosher home?

Will Burt become a senator,

or does Lee Trevino have
something to worry about?

Will Danny ever find happiness?

Will he find it
with his father's wife?

And will Chester stop crying

and try to get Jessica back,

or will he remain
all choked up about her?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]