04x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Well, I don't know.

I really, c'mon...
I feel terrible.

Do you think that fellow
accepted my apology?

I don't think he heard
your apology.

He was unconscious.

I never saw a guy
go down so fast

being hit with a tennis ball.

Well, I don't think
the ball did it.

I think it's when
the ball stunned him,

and he fell and hit
his throat on the net.

Well, you know, this guy,
he's really asking for trouble.

Now, why was he standing
right in front of me?

Because we were playing doubles.

That's where you stand
in doubles, Bat.

I thought you played this game.

Well, I do, I did, I do.

It's just that I haven't
played in a long time

because... my arm.
I got a tennis arm.

You mean tennis elbow?

No, arm. Used to be
tennis elbow. Then it spread

to the whole right side
of the body, over here.

They call that tennis side.

I don't know. Nobody seems
to understand that one.

Well,

shall we tell him, Jack?

Sure.

Tell him what?

What we discussed this morning.

Oh, that.
Right.

Bat, remember when
we talked about you

being lieutenant governor

and then running for the Senate.

How could I forget?

Well, you could forget.

I forgot.

Bat, we did a little
investigating.

Now, it's a standard procedure,

running a check on
somebody in politics,

and, well, we've come up
with a few minor problems.

Oh? Like what?

Your family.

Oh, my family?

Yeah, you got a mighty
colorful group

over there at your house, Bat.

I love that h*m* son
who's become an old Jewish man.

That could get us
the Jewish vote.

And, of course, the son
that talks to his doll

is pretty cute too.

And that doll talks back.
Did you know that?

We have a couple of problems
over there,

but it's nothing serious.

Well, every once in a while,

we come across
a family like that,

in the Ozarks maybe,

due to a lot of inbreeding.

And relatives marrying each
other can sometimes cause it.

I had a fourth cousin once,

Rita May.

Gorgeous, just gorgeous.

They all said:

"Stay away from Rita May.

You'll have children
who are idiots."

So I stayed away
and married my wife,

who wasn't related at all,

and had three children,

all idiots.

He's got the mind of a eggplant.

Now, Bat, we can't run you
for office

with that family of yours.

The public just won't
vote for you.

Well, I mean,
do they have to, like,

really know about my family?

Well, it's hard to keep stuff
from the public

'cause of the damn press.

Nothing's private anymore.

Take that congressman's wife,

who was naked in that magazine.

Now what's that got to do
with anything?

That's an example
of invasion of privacy.

She was naked.

She posed for them pictures.

No.

His mother and father must have
been brother and sister.

Yeah, well,

in fact we do have
a solution to the problem.

We can't hide your family
from the press,

but we can do something else.

We can disassociate you
from them.

Uh, what do you mean?

Dump 'em.

What?

Eighty-six 'em.

What?

Leave them, Bat.

Leave?

My family?

Well, if you want to be senator,
now, that's the only way.

Leave them?

Just move to a new house

and don't tell them where it is.

It's a big world out there, Bat.

A big world,
and it can be all yours.

Now, what do you say?

Now, remember, private.

We k*ll him, and we get out, sí?

Okay.

And Puerco, right?

Oh, hello!

You must be from the Malaguayan
Liberation Front.

The plans for the revolution

are in the top drawer
of the bureau,

and I have some subway tokens
for you here.

El didn't want you
to spend your own money on the revolution.

He asked me to give you
these subway tokens.

Now, when you get to
the East Side airline terminal,

you take the bus marked
"Kennedy Airport."

Now, let's see, the fare
is $ apiece.

That's two times four
is eight, right.

But you may want to grab
a bite to eat,

so here's $ .

That's it, good luck, goodbye.

How the hell can we
eat on three bucks?

You shut up.

Comrade Sandia,
let's find El Puerco

and get the heck out of here.

Idioto, do you see
El Puerco here?

Don't you think I would
have k*lled him already, if he were here?

Still here?

Good.

Gentlemen,

I was wondering if you would
do me a little favor.

That bureau looks so imposing
on that side of the room.

I was wondering if you would
mind moving it right down there.

Thank you.

You see, it will keep
the room balanced.

Oh!
Okay.

House Beautiful says, "Be sure
the room is balanced."

Easy. Good.

Now, this little dresser
here, you see,

that can take the place
of the bureau against the wall.

Those are priceless.

Here we are,
way against the wall.

Good, fine.

I'm so sorry
to ask you to do this,

but my husband and I
are divorced,

and El is off somewhere.

He's not here?

No, he and his men went to Miami

to plan the assassination
of, uh...

Louis Sandia.

Did you hear that?

He's gonna k*ll you.

Not if I k*ll him first.

No, you weren't listening.

El is going to k*ll him.

You won't have
to k*ll him at all.

Now, if you could
just take the lamp,

put it on the left side
of the dresser.

Be careful.
It's an antique.

Are you the one they call "Red"?

Yes.

You are the woman
who freed El Puerco.

Yes.

I have some news for you,
all bad.

Don't tell me.

I know what it is.

It looks terrible there, right?

No, actually...

Oh, no, you're sweet,
but you're right.

It looked much better
where it was.

So, do you mind?

It's got to be balanced.
It would be better...

Uh, the lamp.

Antique.

Right.

Just right back where that was,
over there.

You better say something.

My disk is slipping.

Uh, Red... Do you mind
if I call you Red?

Sí.

I'm afraid that after
we are through with this,

I will have to take you
back to Malaguay with me.

This is Louis Sandia.

He's the leader
of the Communist movement.

His orders were
to either k*ll El Puerco,

or take the redhead
liberator hostage.

I'm a mute, is that it?

Young men,

I am so flattered.
Really I am.

But I'm afraid I'm not
going to be able

to go back with you tonight.

You ain't got no choice.

Quite frankly,

I am really not crazy
about your government.

Hey, that's okay.

Oh! Here.

See the Communists
don't believe in God

or investment tax credits.

Anyway, it's impossible for me

to go to Malaguay
with you tonight.

I have a nail appointment
in the morning.

So you see, it makes it
virtually impossible.

Lady.

Plus which,

I do not have the vaguest notion
of what to pack.

Oh!

I mean, is it summer there?

Is it winter?

It's balmy, degrees,
winds from the north, northeast.

Private.

Clear skies,
percent chance of rain.

Idiota.

I'll tell you what,

you go first,
and I'll come tomorrow.

I'll join you later.
Really I will.

And then, with my nails done

and my wardrobe
carefully planned,

I'll look so much
more attractive.

N'est pas?

Lady,

you don't come nice,

we have to tie you up.

Oh!

All right.

But first I have
to call the nail lady.

Otherwise I get charged.

I think you're stalling.

Look,

Sandy,

this is really a dumb idea
on your part

because El Puerco
is going to rescue me.

He is going to come after me...

[SNAPS]

in a second.

That's just what
we're counting on.

I don't believe it, big guy.

I don't believe it.

[SOBBING]

Dutch, I know you're upset.

We're all upset.

You just have to
try to keep calm.

But they kidnapped her.

I know that, Dutch.

They took her.
Oh, my God,

I can't stand it,
I can't stand it.

Calm down.

Dutch, stop crying.

But they took her.

They took her.

Oh, my God.

Stop that crying!

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, don't let me interrupt you.

Saunders.

Yes.

It is imperative
that the phone lines

be kept open at all times.

We must be ready for
any word from Mrs. Tate.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

If that is anybody
but the kidnappers,

the CIA or the FBI, hang up.

Hello.

It's your tailor.

I'll take it in the kitchen.

Any more news?

Yes.

[SOBBING]

B-B-Burt called
from the b-b-bus depot,

and he picked up
the kidnappers' note

like they said.

Did he read it?

I don't think so.

It probably wasn't
addressed to him.

If it wasn't,
he wouldn't read it

because that's
a federal offense.

I knew a guy in jail once

who was there because
he tampered with the U...

U...
U.S. mail.

Oh, shut up, Dutch.

Here we are!

I came back as soon
as I heard the news.

Where were you?

We had a duel.

I was in Miami.

Never mind about that.

What's happening with Jessica?

A man challenges me
to a duel, and he says,

"Never mind
about that."

All right, all right.

I will make it up
to you, I promise.

Yes, we'll have breakfast,
and then I'll sh**t you.

What's the latest news
on Mother?

She was kidnapped.

Besides that.

Well, nothing much.

Besides the kidnapping,

it's been kind of slow
around here.

Your Uncle Burt has gone to get

the kidnappers'
instructions for us.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hi.
Burt.

Bat.

What's up Uncle Burt?
Bat.

Hi,
Uncle Burt. Name's Bat.

Uncle Bat?
Hello.

Please.

Please be straight
with me. Sure.

They kidnapped her because
of me, didn't they?

Of course they did, you idiot.

If it weren't for you,
she'd be here now.

If it wasn't for you
treating her so lousy,

she never would have
left you in the first place.

You animal!

You slut!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[g*nsh*t]

I love doing that.

Major.

Saunders.

You know that I do have

the kidnappers'
instructions here.

Oh!

Sit down, sit down.
Please read them.

Please.
Let us know.

Read it.

Go ahead, Bat.
Read it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi there.

Oh, God!

It sounds terribly already.

We have taken the redheaded one
known as Red.

We hold her horses until...

I believe that word was hostage.

Hostage until you send us
El Puerco.

I knew they really wanted you.

[STAMPS]

Ow!
I knew it, I knew it.

Silencio!
Tio Burt!

So you give him,
and we give back Red to you.

And what if we refuse?

If you refuse, we will k*ll her.

Oh, my God!

Weren't they gonna get in touch?

We are going to get
in touch with you.

When?
Soon.

It's signed,
"The kidnappers."

What are we going to do?

It's obvious.

I will return to Malaguay.

As a human time b*mb.

And when Jessica's safely aboard
the plane and headed home,

Juan One will trip the switch,

y kaboom!

Excuse me.

I will die contented

knowing that we will take along

a few of those
Communist dogs with us.

Uh, excuse me.

And we'll trade
our life for hers.

[SMACKS]

Good luck.

See ya.

You cannot do this thing,
El Puerco.

Yes, you can.

This is the woman I loves,
Juan One.

This is the woman
he loves, Juan One.

Oh, and what about
the loves of a people?

What about the loves
of your country?

Is it not more important

to rid the world
of this foul curse,

than to save one person?

Which is the greater
responsibility,

your woman or your country?

So I shouldn't go?

You have to.

They'll k*ll her
if you don't go.

I will go.

I will lead the counterattack.

Who will go with me?

I'll go.

You have homework.

I'll lead the counterattack.

This is my revolution.

It's my mother.

Damn it, I said I'll go.

She's the mother of my children.

Of course, we are divorced,

and I'm not a well man, really.

You can't lead an att*ck.

You have no experience.

And besides, I have to
sh**t you before I go.

Oh, well, Dutch could go.

I'll go.
I broke out of prison.

I can break into a country.
I'll do it.

What's the matter
with you people?

You cannot counterattack.

They will k*ll Jessica,

as soon as they
finish k*lling you.

This is a job for
the government,

not for you guys.

Yes, it would seem
fairly difficult

to att*ck an entire country
with six people.

We'll spread out.

No, I think...

[ALL ARGUING]

Quiet.

Will you think
for a minute here?

We don't know that Jessica
is even in Malaguay.

We don't even know
if Jessica is alive.

[SIGHS]

So, what do we do
in the meantime?

Wait.

[SOBBING]

[ACCENT OF OLD JEWISH MAN]
Lady, lady, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Yeah, I can see that.

There's so much joy
in this kitchen,

I can't stand it.

Here, have a piece of candy.

No, thank you.

It's nougats.

No.

It's very good.

Goes right through my teeth,
leaves some holes,

then goes directly to my heart,

where it sits,

like the Rock of Gibraltar.

I hope they invent
heart transplant soon.

They already have.

You're kidding.
No.

I could get a new heart?

Oh, where do I go for that,
Corvette's?

You can't buy one.
Someone has to donate one.

Oh.

I bet there's a hell of a crowd
rushing to do that.

"Here, take my heart."

"No, take mine.

Mine's better
than that heart."

"You call that a heart?

Pfft on that heart!"

Ah, you feel better now, right?

My life is a mess.

That's the way
it's supposed to be.

Come on.

Ya. When God come up
with his great design,

you think it was nice,
neat, organized?

Please! The guy was
an abstract expressionist.

Life was a mishmash.

Mine is more than that.

It's a disaster.

My marriage, my family, my life.

It's all going to hell.

It's a test.

God tests.

No kidding.

Sure.

What else is he going
to do all day,

play racquetball?

He's got to keep himself busy,

so he tests.

Well, how come he's
conducting all the tests

in this house?

Traffic.

It's easier for him to stay put.

Anyway, he tested a lot more

on my friend Boris.

Oy, talk about tests, poor guy.

First, the Cossacks
ravaged his wife,

but since she looked
like a herring,

it was more of a test
for the Cossacks.

Then, he had a daughter
who had moles on her face

the size of rubles.

His mother went around all day

in a wheelbarrow,

and they had a son,

who had more than a passing
interest in shepherds.

But...

Boris knew it
was just God's test.

So what did he do?

He kvetched. He whined.

He started going to the track.

Don't pay attention
to God's tests.

My, uh,

first wife,

Franya,

used to like to make me crazy.

She'll do little things
to annoy me,

like spit out her food
on my plate.

I ignored her.

She stopped.

So ignore God's tests,

he'll stop.

Ignore.

My baby may be an alien,

my husband is never here,

and my son...

is an old man.

Oh!

I had a friend who used
to sigh like that.

Boris.

No, Moishe.

He'd come to your house,
say a few words

and blow your candles out.

If he was having a bad day,

he'd leave entire villages
in the dark.

Lady, don't think
what you're thinking.

It'll get better.

And when it does,

you ought to be here.

So don't think
what you're thinking.

You're a smart guy.

I'm and I'm a Jew.

It's a hell of a combination.

Oh, Jodie!

Will you ever come back?

Still with the Jodie stuff.

Lady, I'll tell you what.

I'll be your son.

You want me to be your son?

[GIGGLES]

I'll be your son, okay?

[SNIFFS]

But please, no more
with the Jodie.

Jodie is a name
for a bunny rabbit.

Or...

a pussycat.

You're still the same.

Jodie, Julius, young, old.

You still got the same heart.

Give me a peck.

Now, what we're going to do

is a Serpico number on Campbell.

He'll get a tip.

I loved that movie, Serpico.

He'll get a tip

there's gonna be
a big drug transaction.

I loved that dog.

But, you know, you gotta brush
dogs like that every day.

They get snarls.

So Campbell gets a tip.

He comes here.

When he walks in,

you blast him,

and I mean, blast him.

I want him dead.

Completely dead.

No, partially dead.

Of course completely dead,
you moron.

Because Serpico wasn't
completely dead.

They missed his brain,
and he's living in Russia.

He's living in Switzerland.

And I want Campbell
completely dead.

Not wounded.
Dead.

No mistakes.

Bring me his ear.

ANNOUNCER: Will Mary ever accept
Jodie as an old Jewish man?

Will they start going
to temple together?

Will Burt leave his family
for politics?

Will he live to leave them?

Can Jessica survive
as a hostage?

Can her kidnappers survive
Jessica as a hostage?

How long must the family wait
to find out?

Will they ever see
Jessica again?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]