05x09 - Perfetc

[bunniefuu]

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Sorry for not answering on the first ring but we're cleaning, preparing for spring.

Getting rid of the old to make room new so we give every client his or her due.

Sorry, operator, we cannot accept an out

-of

-state call that is collect.

Oh, Herbert.

You, guys.

You, guys.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Stop it this instant.

I tried to tell them.

I wanna see Mr.

Addison in my office.

Mr.

Addison isn't here.

He had a bowling tournament.

You did this on your own?

Mr.

Addison didn't incite you?

He didn't put you up to this?

I'm very disappointed in you.

In you, Mr.

O'Nea .

In you, Mr.

Viola and you, MacGi icuddy.



-He started it.



-Did not.



-Did too.



-I don't care who started it.

I thought you were mature enough to leave unsupervised but I guess I was wrong.

As punishment I want you in your seats with you heads down for a full 30

-minutes.



-You're kidding?



-Did you hear me?

In your seats, heads on your desks.

Do you want Mr.

Addison to hear about this?

Agnes, would you give me a hand with these, please?

MacGi icuddy, I am telling.

And no talking to our neighbours.

This is quiet time.

Boy, oh, boy.

Did this place ever need a spring cleaning?

I can imagine.

Just the Anselmo case alone filled a whole dumpster.

Agnes, do you have any idea when Mr.

Addison's gonna be back from his bowling tournament?

He wasn't sure exactly.

It depends on how long the awards luncheon lasts.

I can't help feeling this ship is out of shape.

Lately, everyone around here has either been cutting up or cutting out.

Well, everyone's a little tired.

We've been going gangbusters for five years now.



-A lot of blood under the bridge.



-The tired talking?

I guess I am pretty tired.

Though most of the time when I think about it, I really would miss this place.

All those people who have sat in that chair telling me their stories.

And I certainly would miss you.

I'd miss you too, Ms.

Hayes.

And Viola and MacGi icuddy and the rest of them though I feel like wringing their necks.

And Mr.

Addison?

l'd particularly would like to wring his neck.

Though I can't imagine coming to work and not finding him hell

-bent on making my life miserable.

Come in.

Excuse me, Ms.

Hayes.

I don't recall giving you permission to leave your desk.

You didn't, but there is a client here to see you.

Although I am being disciplined I took the liberty to beg him not to leave, at least until he'd spoken to you.

Agnes, would you see him in, please.

Ms.

Hayes.

I will be eternally penitent for the role I played in that tomfoolery out there.

But I want you to know that MacGi icuddy

-really was the one who started it.



-Did not.

Out.

Hello.

Hello, my name is Ash.

Brock Ash.

Hello, Mr.

Ash.

I'm Madelyn Hayes.



-Mind if I sit down?



-Oh, not at all.

Please.



-Are you all right?



-No

-but there's nothing you can do.



-How may I help you?



-You can save me from oblivion.



-Excuse me?

A perfect crime was committed.

One which the combined resources of the police, FBI, Interpol and several insurance companies have as yet been unable to solve.

What makes you think we can succeed where so many others failed?

Don't solve the crime

-I want you to prove I did it.



-Come again.

I won't bore you with the details of my illness but I've seen better days.

I'm over the anger and past the denial but the only thing standing between me and acceptance of my fate are a few regrets.

When I die my name dies with me.

My wife preceded me.

I have no issue.

My only legacy will be a two

-line obituary of interest to no one.

And that scares the hell out of me.

All I've accomplished is this deed, this crime.

My one success.

Such a success, in fact no one knows I did it.

You wanna be remembered for committing a crime?

Herostratus has been remembered for thousands of years as the one responsible for the destruction of the Temple of Artemis.

One of the great wonders of the ancient world he b*rned it to the ground.

Yet history never recorded the name of the man who built it.

People are remembered for all sorts of things.

My wish is to be remembered at all.

What do you need a detective for?

Why don't you turn yourself in?

I have several times.

So have dozens of others.

The crime I committed nearly And the artefacts I took were priceless.

So every nut's been trying to get into the act?

Exactly.

Anyone can claim they did it.

The facts are well documented.

But there is one person who can actually link me to the theft.



-I want you to find him.



-Who?

The security guard on duty that night.

There's a detail he left out of his statement.

A detail that only he and I know about.

Now, this is a snapshot of me the day before the robbery.



-Who's the woman?



-My wife, Karen.



-She was beautiful.



-Yes, she was.

That night when I made my way to the exhibit Karen had arranged to distract the guard in the stairwell.

This fellow had an eye for a well

-turned ankle.

With the prospect of enormous wealth, Karen was willing to turn a lot more.



-Your wife?



-The irony was all the money went to pay her hospital bills years later.

I don't know where this guard is or if he's still alive but if he is and you can locate him then I can come forward.

I can leave my mark.

Then I can die.

Will you take my case, Ms.

Hayes?

I do wish you'd reconsider.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Ash.

Perhaps if I doubled your fee.

Money really isn't the issue here.

This case just isn't my cup of tea.

Well, if you change your mind, here's my card.

Mr.

Viola would you see Mr.

Ash to his car, please?



-Really, that's not necessary.



-I insist.



-You're very considerate.



-Good luck.

Thank you.

Strike.

Yes.



-Good morning, Maddie.



-Good afternoon, David.



-You got the message, right?



-I got the message.



-I didn't inconvenience you.



-No.



-You're not mad?



-Do whatever you have to do

-to make yourself happy.



-That a girl.

Finally catching on.

So who was the deadbeat I saw Viola walking out?



-A case that won't be.



-Looking for a freebie?



-I didn't like the story.



-Which was?

If you'd come to work instead of hanging out you'd hear for yourself.



-What's his name?



-Who?



-The client.



-He's not a client.

He wants to give us his hard

-earned money and you turn him away?

We shouldn't work with criminals.



-He was a criminal?



-He is a criminal.



-What's he wanted for?



-He's not wanted.



-Then what's he not wanted for?



-David.

You can't leave without telling me.

I've got work to do.

I don't have time for this.



-I have a right to know.



-Then will you get out?

I'll do better than that.

I'll get out of the building.

I'll go to lunch, again.

His name is Ash.

He committed a crime and he wants someone to prove he did it.

And you let him walk out of here?

Maddie, how could you.

David, we're not glorifying criminals.

How about glorifying ourselves?

Unsolved Mysteries, uncracked crimes, TV's 10 top most wanted.

There's a tidal wave of trash sweeping this country.

Maybe we could get somebody to hit Morton Downey with a chair.

Boy, Maddie, I thought I knew you, but denying a dying man his last wish.

How can you champion his cause when you weren't here?

A testimonial to your skills.

He's a criminal.

We're not going to help.

Stop the presses.

Criminal comes to Blue Moon wants them to take the case.

The only difference between this guy and every other clown is that we don't gotta go through six talks in a car, two pair of shoes couple of sets of stunt doubles going through some elaborate chase just to find out that he's the criminal.

I find that refreshing.

Maybe I've been misled a few of times.

My intent was always to help people.



-The man wants to confess.



-Not for remorse.

He's after stardom.

Somebody's gotta take the blame, which rhymes with fame.

Might as well be him and might as well be us.

David, I know the concept of morality is foreign to you.

But I'm sorry.

Hello, yeah.

Give me the lobby, please.

Security, this is David Addison up in Blue Moon.

Adult male, 5'10", not long for this world, with a short guy with a little moth

-eaten beard.

Don't let them out.

Be right down.

We're not taking this case.

Oh, yeah, like we're not gonna really take the case.

Ms.

Van Breegle, yes, I understand your position but try to understand mine.

There's a larger issue than the confidentiality of your records.

I need to find Duncan Kennedy.

If I don't find a liver donor for my patient soon

-

- What do you mean?

That's why the good Lord gave us two.

What?

Well, you can stick Gray's Anatomy up your

-

-

-What did you find out?



-The big goose egg.



-And I believe you meant kidneys.



-What?

Never mind.

How about you, any luck?

That was the museum curator.

Sorry but I can't release any information on my

-

-

-Damn.



-Yeah, you said a mouthful.

I got a guy from Reuters coming over here talking about a big cash bonus for an exclusive on the Brock Ash case.

Mr.

Viola, I believe this calls for a covert operation.

I was hoping you'd say that, sir.

David for the last time we're not cashing in on this crime.



-Okay, case closed.



-What?

Romans have a saying: If enough people tell you your fly's open then maybe you should look down.

I wanna thank you and Viola for bringing me to my senses.



-You do?



-You do?

I do.

I guess maybe I was allowing the ethical considerations of this case to be obscured by my entrepreneurial zeal.

Believe I owe this agency an apology.

We're all guilty of occasional lapses in judgement.

We are, however, duty bound as citizens to follow up on whatever leads are presented to us by Mr.

Ash who is, after all, a common criminal, but that's where our job ends.



-What's the catch?



-No catch.

We just gather whatever information we can and turn it over to the authorities.

Without turning it into a self

-aggrandizing media sideshow?

I promise you, I will not let a bearded lady or a two

-headed turtle boy anywhere near this place.



-Okay?



-Okay.

Mr.

Viola, run Ms.

Hayes to the museum.

Speak to curator about the documents she's holding from us.

I, myself, am on the way to the dentist.

I feel a touch of gingivitis coming on and I'd hate to ruin this smile.

There's something fishy in the house of Denmark.

May I be of some assistance to you, Monsignor?

Monsignor Viola brings his regards from Rome.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What lovely long nails you have.

Monsignor would like to know if he can impose your hospitality for a tour of your fine museum.

Monsignor, this might be a good opportunity for you to practise your English.

Okay.

Marcel Duchamp understood that taking an ordinary object and putting it into a different cultural context became art.

And over here we have a new installation of works of the 1960s.

Decadent.



-Mrs.

Van Driggle.



-Breegle.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry.

Would you mind if I used your phone?

I have to check about the Monsignor's trip home.

Yes, of course.

Let me show you where

-

- That's all right.

I'll find it.

Thank you.

I don't wanna interrupt the tour.

You have a beautiful museum.

Well, it's an honour to have you here.

Yes.

How I envy you.

Working every day among some of the greatest art the world has ever known.

Art is my life.

Raphael.

Botticelli.

Giotto.

Oh, we have a Giotto inside.

You've seen one Giotto, you've seen them all.

I have some photographs in my office.

They're of Renaissance statuary you might be interested in.

Your ceiling.

She's so empty.

Do you know La Cappella Sistina?

One of the most moving experiences of my life was the first time I saw the Sistine Chapel.

Sometimes when I want to be alone with the divine I go there after all the turistas have gone home.

I lie on to my back just like Michelangelo.



-On the floor?



-Si, on the floor.

I lie there for much time watching the creation of a man.

A great tranquillity fills me.

Almost as if it was I Monsignor Viola, who's hand is touching the Almighty's.

Back in the monastery, my brothers and me would lie in the snow and make the angels, like this.

Come on, Monsignor.

They want you back in Rome right away.



-Thank you so much, Ms.



-

-

-Van Breegle.

Dr.

Van Breegle.

Van Drigg e

-

- Breegle.

Breegle.

My pleasure.

Maybe I've been underestimating Herbert.

I put my foot down when he told me to dress like a nun.

I like the way that boy thinks.

Look, the important thing is you got Duncan Kennedy's file.



-We have yet to find Kennedy.



-What's next on the list?

Silver Lining Rest Farm.

I hope this isn't a forwarding address.

It doesn't sound like a forwarding address.

I can't wait until we can wash our hands of this case.

Who would use his wife to seduce a man to pull off a robbery?

The kind of man who'd marry a woman like that.

It's the aforementioned robbery you mentioned

-that's is a tad chichier than your

-

-

-Doesn't make it any less scuzzy.

Puts Ash on a list with some heady folk.

Before this he was a regular Joe, now he's the D.

B.

Cooper of the art crowd.



-So?



-So he's set apart from the rest.

He'll have his niche in the pantheon of criminals.

He'll be remembered

-

-

-As a crook.



- mmorta ity's tough to pass up.

Immortality and infamy are two completely different kettle of fish.

Tell that to Billy the Kid or Bonnie and Clyde.



-Scuzzball.



-Then what's the point?



-That's not the point.



-What's the point?

I happen to think it's a big waste of time to live your life for posterity.

Cheap talk from a girl who's been on more magazine covers than the ayatollah.

I don't wanna get the writers in trouble.

Anyway occasionally someone recognizes me, so?

It's a big deal.

You've been recorded, documented as someone who's made a contribution.



-I never knew this was important to you.



-it's not important to me.



-Making your mark, being immortalized.



-Is not important to me.

You've taken this close to your bosom.

First of all, this case is nowhere even near my bosom.

Second of all, I don't have a bosom and most men I know don't have bosoms.

And third, viva la difference.

I'm just trying to explain where Ash is coming from.

You can't tell the difference between surface and substance.

Between celebrity and real accomplishment.

By jingo, you're right.

The scales have fallen from my eyes and I owe it all to you.

The clothes, cars, flashy women.

All trappings of material accomplishment.

I have yet to see you lift a finger to lay a foundation past tomorrow.

You wanna know how many foundations I've laid.

I've seen your m.

o.

a million times, in the field, in a relationship.

Never once have I seen you invest anything of yourself.



-Oh, and you have.



-Why would I invest something in a relationship that you're not willing to invest in.

You'd probably think you were the one who didn't wait to not invest.

That's why it didn't work, Maddie.

We talked it to death.

Yeah, I guess we did.

We still do.

It doesn't matter if the topic is the Van Allen belt or people who pick their noses on the freeway or Egyptian funeral masks that Brock Ash stole.

It always turns out to be a postmortem on us.



-That's right.



-So let's not do it anymore.



-Let's not.



-Okay, David, this isn't about us.

If you wanna be famous, write a book, become a sculptor or a congressman.

Do anything instead of teaching air guitar to the employees.

I don't wanna be famous.

I could careless whether or not I get the recognition I richly deserve.

And I don't want any credit for bringing Brock Ash to justice.



-You're sure?



-Yes, I'm sure.

Just give it a sh*t, pop.

Try and remember.



-Those eyes .



-That's right.

Those eyes.

You remember those eyes?

They come in pairs?

There's also a nose and a mouth, put them together and it makes a face.

Do you remember this face?

My mother had eyes like that.

My mother had eyes like that.

My mother's name was Mildred.

Her father, my grandfather called her Millie.

Millie.

He raised Persian horses on the farm back in Elgin, Illinois.



-He's not going to remember, David.



-I remember everything.

Sharp as a tack.

Dunc.

May I call you Dunc?

Dunc, you used to work in the museum.

Thirty

-five years.

Do you ever remember seeing this girl?

You know, the native girls in the Pacific had hair like that.

Black as alabaster.

Once I was on shore leave and the chief petty officer and I, we

-

- We made screwdrivers.

Orange juice and torpedo fluid.

That will put hair on your chest, I'll tell you.



-Anyway, we met these native girls.



-POP, POP, POP

- Hang on one second.

Take this pen and sign your name here on the dotted line.



-David, you can't do that.



-Boy, are you a stickler.

Pop, the museum, this girl.

Girl?

This girl?



-David, it's hopeless.



-Hey, you are a pretty thing.

And tall.

Always liked my gals tall.

Mr.

Kennedy, thanks so much.

Sorry we bothered you.

Oh, don't run off.

I don't get a lot of visitors.

Here, take a load off.

Wheel of Fortune will be on any minute.

Sit down, damn it.

Yeah, okay.

Vanna's got a nice smile, but the rest of her

-

- Skin and bones.

No sirree, give me a gal with a little meat on her.

Pearls of wisdom, Dunc.

Pearls of wisdom.

Mr.

Kennedy, we really have to be going.

I know this woman.

She had the most beautiful green eyes.

Face like an angel.

Came out of nowhere, stayed a while.

Never saw her again.

But I've never forgotten her.

Get me The Sun.

Get me The Times.

Get me the Sun

-Times.

Get me the Sunday Times.

I want Dan Rather, Barbara Walters.

I want Walter Cronkite.

Call the encylopaedia people.

Tell them to make room.

Volume A, Addison.

Good afternoon.

If this checks out, we got a headline.



-When does this stuff ever check out?



-Just stick around, folks.

You might be surprised.

Ellen Dunbar.

Newsweek.



-I'm a big fan.



-Nice to meet you, Ellen.

You certainly did an excellent job at turning out the fourth estate.

Got a stringer from ABC News.

All the local newspapers.

Spy magazine.

MAD magazine.

The roof has been secured for Connie Chung's chopper.

Very good.

Thank you, girls.

I take it Ms.

Hayes will not be here to bask in the limelight with us.

Ms.

Hayes will be just fine.

She needs a little counselling and bed rest.

She did seem a trifle agitated.

Well, Ms.

Hayes is a very private person.

The thought of all those shutterbugs made her adrenal glands spasm.

Well, sir, there is one other small problem.

It's T

-minus

-3 minutes until Showtime and Brock Ash has still not shown.

You call yourself a showman?

The man probably wants to make an entrance.

However, I will take a look down the hallway and see if maybe he got lost.

How's my hair?

How are my teeth?

How's the dimple look?



-What time is it?



-With all due respect, sir it's about 30 seconds later than the last time you asked.

Maybe he had car trouble.

Maybe he was sicker then he thought.



-You're not suggesting

-

-

-You don't suppose

-

- No.

We'll give him a few more minutes.

You gotta go in there and stir the pot up while I put out an APB for this moron.

You want me to go in there and talk to those reporters?

Do barnyard noises, leader impressions, I don't care.

Just keep them occupied.



-Sorry, sir.

I can't do that.



-You gotta do that.

No, I'd love to do that, sir, but all those faces looking at me.

All those minds weighing, judging, evaluating.

Shredding me.

I

-

- I'm just no good with people.



-You can't cave in on me now.



-I'm feeling a little woozy.

G.

Gordon Liddy had a thing about rodents and then one mouthful of rat tartare and he was a new man.

Those people in there, that's the cure for you.

Now go in there, look them in the eye and start yakking.

Excuse me.

First of all on behalf of the of the entire moon here at Blue Staff.

I mean .

Well, I would just like to

-

- To

-

- To express to all of you how much your

-

- Your presence here means to us today.

Somebody get the hook.

That's right.

A

-S

-H.

No patient listed under that name.

Okay, thank you very much.

Operator, give me a listing for the highway patrol.

And while you're at it give me a listing for the county morgue.

Man, after all, has always strived for perfection.

The perfect Iiftoff, the perfect martini the perfect pair of breasts.

Just as one mammal's regurgitation is another mammal's ambergris.

And so, with the sweet perfume of history as our stalwart ally we come to understand that the perfect crime is exactly that.

I'm telling you, I looked

-

- Never mind.

He just walked in.

Brock.

All right, listen, pull yourself together.

We've got to go out here and throw the press a bone.

I'd like you to cancel this news conference.

What are you talking about?

I have nothing to say to the press.

I'm not feeling

-

- You're not feeling good.

Here, come over here.

Sit down.

I know what you're going through.

You're nervous.

You're upset.

I'm not going to die.

Well, Brock, we all have to go sooner or later.

Whether you go sooner or a little later

-

- My departure's scheduled for later rather than sooner.

My condition is a virus that mimics all the symptoms of a terminal disease.

And now, here he is, the man of the hour.



-You're gonna pull through?



-I got the results this morning.

Sleuth extraordinaire.

What about your confession?

We have signed affidavit here from the

-

- From the guard who said he positively identifies your wife.

It corroborates your story.

There's no way we can't slam this through, slam dunk.

Detective beyond compare.

Mr.

Addison I can look forward to a speedy recovery and along and prosperous life.

It wouldn't make sense to spend it behind bars.

The man who ratiocinated his way up the ranks.

Look, look, I'm

-

- Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to hear about your good news.

But this puts me in an awkward position here.

Who deduced and reasoned what no other could.



-it's not my problem.



-What do you mean?

You're the one that wanted a story.

A legacy, you wanted a legacy.

Legacies are for the deceased and the actuarials for a man my age would suggest I won't be joining their numbers for quite some time.

The keenest eye.

Mr.

Ash even if I could forget about this I have a responsibility to report this to the authorities.

The sharpest mind.

We can't just ask the cat to jump back in the bag once it's out, can we?

Let's give a big Blue Moon welcome to Mr.

David Addison.

Ash.

Ash

-

- Excuse me.

Stay right where you are.

Be back in a minute.

Mr.

Addison.

You check the lobby?

And the garage?

And still no sign of him.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Guess we can kiss our Ash goodbye.

I'm sorry, sir.



-Good morning, Ms.

Di Pesto.



-Good morning, Ms.

Hayes.

Good to see everything getting back to normal around here.

I wouldn't say things are back to normal.

Still hot under the collar about his media non

-event?

Bitter, angry, dejected, depressed.

I overheard him call USA Today and tell them they didn't have

-David Addison to kick around.



-Oh, brother.



-David?



-Yo.

Sorry, I was a little tense yesterday.

Yeah, you were a little tense.

I'm also sorry about what happened with Brock Ash.



-it's no big deal.



-Right.

I know you don't wanna hear this, but things worked out for the best.

I'm glad that you're glad a guilty man got away.

I didn't say that.

I'm saying I'm relieved that as far as we're concerned the case is closed.

The case is closed?

It will be as soon as I catch this guy and nail him.

Oh, I see.

He schtised you and now you're gonna schtise him.



-Payback.

Law of the jungle.



-Revenge.

This is not the jungle.

Then let me give you more motivation: Cash, and lots of it.

Museum's insurance carrier's out a couple mil on the stolen Egyptian masks.

They're anxious to express their gratitude for putting Ash in jail.

I think I'd feel better if your motives were purely mercenary.

Stand up.

Ash snatched the brass ring right out of your hand.

The affidavit's gone.



-You're an opportunist.



-Kennedy's room, please.

Brock Ash provided you with a golden opportunity.

Only this isn't achievement.

This is riding someone e se's coat tails, cashing in.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Duncan Kennedy just cashed out.

The nose looks right, but there's something about the jaw that's off.

It needs to be more chiselled.

I'll never forget those pouty, bee

-stung lips.

The kiss of blush beneath those cheekbones.

We're gonna get this out on the wire today.

Thanks to you two, Ash won't get too far.

The department wants to thank you for your cooperation.

We can't let him go around strangling people.

Most Pls wouldn't see it that way.

They'd wanna make the collar and grab the glory.

You can rest assured, you're looking at dyed

-in

-the

-wool do

-gooders.

You let your Jim Rockford's and your Joe Mannix's go for the glory.

Not us.

Mr.

Addison, may I speak with you for a moment?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Squeezed a frail I used to run with.

It took some juice, but I ran a make on those wheels.



-And I have got the dirt on this stiff.



-What?

The car I followed Ash down to that day.

Iran a description of it by a friend of mine who works at the Auto Club.

Look, a rental leased to Ash.

That's the address.

A downtown hotel.

Burty

-boy, if this pans out I'll dedicate my memoirs to you.

Thanks.

Maddie, gotta go.

The Anselmo case has reached a flash point.

Officers, if there's anything we can do, don't hesitate to hesitate.

Come on.

This doesn't look like the kind of hotel Mr.

Anselmo would stay at.

That depends on which Anselmo.

The west coast Anselmos lost their money in the October crash.

The east coast Anselmos, on the other hand, stayed rather fluid.

I have the distinct feeling I'm being shanghaied with another one of your secret agendas.

Nonsense.

Room service.

I thought he was expecting us.

Mr.

Anselmo, Maddie Hayes and David Addison.

Oh, now, look, you went and spooked him.



-That was Brock Ash.



-What's he doing here?

You knew where he was and you didn't tell the police?

I knew nothing of the kind.

Bad enough he m*rder*d a man let alone stick his nose in the Anselmo case.

There goes your chance to be part of history.

There goes my chance to become a pizza.

Are you sure it says we gotta do this in the script?



-Out of my way.



-Wait a second.

This is man's work.



-Watch it.

Watch it.



-I'm just trying to help.

David.

Thank you.

All right, look, Spiderman why don't you and me go inside.

Come on, slip inside, order up a mess of flies from room service.

Sorry, but I intend to spend the rest of my life on a beach somewhere.

Come on, you're all washed up, Ash.

These ledges go around and around.

There's no way down.

Then it becomes a test of endurance, Mr.

Addison.

If I were a betting man, I'd put my money on the cat burglar.

Hold on, Dave's coming.

David, be careful.

Now, Maddie, you're starting to repeat yourself in your old age.

Mr.

Addison, the mask I stole was cursed.



-I'd hate to see you fall victim.



-Cursed

-shmursed, hang on.



-I can't.



-Come on, hang on.

You're trying to get out of that dinner you're gonna owe me.

I get to choose the restaurant.

David.

Ash's obituary will make the paper.

That would have made him happy.



-Yeah, he made a splash.



-There's nothing you could have done.

Double nothing would have been a whole lot better than what I did.

Maddie, I'm gonna go on record here.

You were right, I was wrong.

We shouldn't have taken this case.

Just because I didn't want you to take this case doesn't mean you're wrong.

You were passionate.

You wanted to see it through.

If I'd let well enough alone he wouldn't be one with the sidewalk.



-It was an accident.



-It was not.

He was on that ledge because I chased him out there.

You chased him out there because he was running away.

He wouldn't have run if he wasn't guilty.

He k*lled a man.

Hold it before this turns into some bloodless, long

-winded, abstract lecturing debate about capital punishment or prison reform or how Brock Ash was probably a middle child because middle children have it the roughest.

Let me nip this bud.

A man d*ed.

I could have stopped it and I didn't.



-You did everything

-

-

-I've gotta live with that.

For crying out loud, you risked your life to save that guy.

But it takes two to hold on and he couldn't.

I wonder what the last thing that went through his mind was.

Well, I can guarantee you it wasn't the perfect crime.

I was with my grandfather when he d*ed.

He was a big wheel on the Chicago commodities exchange.

All he can talk about was a snow fort he built when he was 9.

He packed the snow in shoe boxes and used slush as mortar.

The walls were eight

-feet tall.

And then the January thaw came along and it was gone.



-He couldn't hold on.



-Well, David, he was 97.

No.

I mean, Brock Ash.

He had both hands around the belt.

His feet were on the wall

-but he couldn't keep a grip.



-He'd been sick.

Yeah, if he couldn't hold on tight enough to save his life he couldn't have squeezed hard enough

-to crush Duncan Kennedy's larynx.



-If he didn't do it, who did?

We should go back to the scene of the perfect crime.

Ms.

Hayes.

I hope Monsignor Viola got back to Rome safely.



-Mr.

Viola is not a Monsignor.



-Yeah, he got defrocked.

Something about whipped cream and a feather duster.



-I'm sorry.



-Yeah, he landed on his feet.



-Got a gig as pit boss in Vegas.



-Ms.

Van Drigg e

-

-

-Breegle.



-We're private detectives.



-This is my associate, David Addison.



-Is anything wrong?

We'd like to ask you few questions about Duncan Kennedy.

Oh, Duncan.

What a terrific old gentlemen.



-He was strangled last night.



-Oh, no.

That's awful.

Who would have done such a thing?

We have reason to believe that he knew something about a burglary that occurred years ago.

The man who committed the actual crime d*ed last night.

Now, he said that he stole a famous Egyptian mask.

From Amenhotep's temple at Luxor.

It was priceless.

But the insurance company is offering rewards for a laundry list of items.

Obviously the thief is lying.

Oh, he was lying, yes.

He actually confessed to a crime much larger than the one that he committed.

We think someone was piggybacking on the criminal's crime.

Poor Duncan.

What happened to your nails?

I broke one last night so I decided to cut them all off.

I don't know many women who would cut off nine nails for the sake of one.

I'm a stickler for symmetry.

Don't you hate those bits of evidence under your fingernails?

It just ruins a girl's manicure.

Duncan called you, didn't he?

To warn you that we'd been to see him.

What fertile imaginations you both have.

Let's go.

Hey, my lips.

Stop those lips.

Come on, Maddie, get in.

Let's go.

We can't drive this.

it's a work of art.

Art

-shmart, Van Breeg e's giving us the wiggle.

Hang on.

No! A full twist with a double pike.

I give it a 9.

5.

on, God! Hey, who turned out the lights?

Turn, David, turn, turn.

David.



-David, look.

Turn, turn!

-This is tricky, Maddie.

Rebel Without a Cause, James Dean.



-He d*ed in the end.



-Oh, yeah.



-Hit the brakes, David.



-Brakes?

What brakes?

Talk about life imitating art.

Now, I could make a double entendre here but I'm doing my part to clean up the airwaves.

Just say no to innuendo.

Hang on, Maddie.

Shark.

Made you look.

Hang on, Maddie.

David, get me out off this thing.

This is a good shade for you.

Slide down.

Slide down here.

David, look what you've done.

Hey, pal, I'm sorry.

If you got a hammer or something, I'll help you fix it.

Fix it?

I wanna worship it.

I now realise it.

All I did was assemble the raw materials for your vision.

But you

-

- You gave it wings, dimension, scope.



-Pith.



-Pith?

Yes.

The last 10,000 years of artistic expression have simply been a prelude to this moment.

I want to know everything about your work.

Well, I showed early promise in Miss Manner's class.

It was in the second grade.

I worked mostly with crayons and Lincoln Logs.

I began doing things with Mr.

Potato Head that no one had ever done before.

In my college years, I moved on to performance art drinking vast quantities of beer and throwing up on the carpet.



-Ms.

Hayes, did you hear the news?



-What?

All this time, Mr.

Addison's been a genius and we didn't know about it.

I always sensed a hidden reservoir of talent.

Look, he even autographed to me.

Oh, brother.

Congratulations.

You've finally earned your place in history.

Two hundred dollars a day per diem.



-And a limousine.



-A limo?

Stretch.

It's all set.

You've been commissioned to install a 12

-foot pile of underwear in the Place de Ia Concorde.



-Leave for where?



-Paris.



-Texas?



-They want my oeuvre in the Louvre.

Oh, David, you were in a wreck you're lucky they didn't revoke your license and now a bunch of art sheep are saying you're a master?



-That's hysterical.



-Hey, I don't make the rules.

Put your artistic endeavours on hold because we have a ton of work to do.

It's tax time.

We have to close the corporation.



-Can't we can do en route?



-En route?



-You're coming with me, aren't you?

.

-I did negotiate for two tickets.

To Paris?

-Sure.

I've gotta go pack.

-No, no, no.

Go exactly as you are.

I'll need to bone up on your anatomy for an ambitious nude by yours truly Vincent van Addison.

And I know just what you should cut off and send in the mail.

What?