18x05 - Stretched Thin

[bunniefuu]

I think I just saw Tonya Harding.

Okay, I just want to go over tomorrow

'cause it's a beast.

We've got winter coat
shopping in the morning,

lunch at Nerfer's in the afternoon...

Babe, I have plans tomorrow.

Taking off the goatee!

ALL: No!

- Yikes.
- Really?

Babe, you'll look weird
without a goatee.

After seeing this CIA
rendering of your face

with no goatee, I agree.

Bongiorno, y'all!
Welcome to Mama Mangia's.

What can I get y'all tonight?

I will have the "sal-mon."

No, you won't like it.
He'll have the grilled cheese.

Babe, I want the "sal-mon."

It's pronounced "sah"...

I say "sal-mon", and I want it!

Give us a moment, Agatha.
Core team, huddle up.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sorry, Jeff, salmon's just not

possible for you at this time.

I... want... sal-mon!

Okay, we should leave.
Give our apologies to Mama Mangia.

Oh don't you worry
about Mama's feelings!

She's a private equity group.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

So what are we doing for dinner now?

Well, we do have
that eight-pound brisket

left over in the freezer.

- We got any latkes?
- Dozens.

Plus some matzoh ball soup from
Greenblatt's. Two portions.

- One for me!
- I'll nosh on that!

Any dessert? Hamentashen?

[YAWNS] I made blintzes yesterday.

Ooh, Jeff loves blintzes.

I'm not hungry.

You gotta eat something, Jeff.

Yeah, you need your nutrients.

Nutrients are important, Jeff.

I can make my own decisions!

But you can't, Jeff.

Yeah, you make bad ones.

So we make them for you.

To help you.

'Cause you're not the smartest.

This is messed up, Babe!

No, I'm done!
From now on, I'm the decider of me!

Mr. S, let me out of the car!

Fine.
But I'm only slowing down a little.

[ENGINE REVS TIRES SQUEAL]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[g*nshots]_

[DOG BARKING]

This place is kinda scary.

Want to buy a million dollar bill?

Whoa, you should keep that.

Who knows how much it's worth!

Then just give me all your money!

No, I'm only gonna give
you a little of my money.

Hey! Get out of here!

Gosh, there are so many
creeps on this street now.

I'm Tracy, by the way.

I'm Jeff.

[SCOFFS] Not that I had any say in it.

You know, Jeff, you impress me.

It took guts saying "no" to that guy.

I don't ever let people
tell me what to do anymore!

- Come with me.
- Okay.

What is this place?

The land of opportunity.

A-K-A the Langley Regional sales office

for the Stretcharoo
Leggings Corporation.

Eye-catching, right?

And best of all, easy to sell.

Let me ask you all, what are your goals?

To eat sal-mon.

- Yep, b*at me to it.
- Salmon. Uh-huh.

Eat salmon.

And how many hours a day would you say

you're eating salmon right now?

- None.
- Jesus. Really?

What if I said there was a way for you

to enjoy salmon every day of the week.

How is that even possible?

By selling the highest
quality leggings known to man.

And not at some stuffy
store in the mall.

From the comfort of your own home

through direct peer-to-peer sales.

Is this a pyramid scheme?

Pyramid?

Maybe in its shape and
management structure

and day-to-day operations, but no!

It's multi-level marketing.

And we're looking for hustlers
with a k*ller instinct.

I think that could be me.

Hell yeah!
I'm talkin' alphas who would never,

never, ever, ever be a beta.

Did I mention we have rewards weekends

in tropical locations like...

Cancun!

With incredible prizes
for our top salespeople!

All you got to do is
buy $, of inventory

today and commit to a
recurring monthly purchase

of a product that sells itself.

So, are you ready to choose success?

What do you think?

Me? I'm in!

Do you have cash?

Oh, man, I should have
bought that guy's money!

I do have this number card.

Everybody take note!

This is what an alpha looks like.

Stop!

I made another decision!

Yeah, you did.

I'm officially a salesman

for the Stretcharoo
Leggings Corporation.

Stretcharoo? The pyramid scheme?

No, the multi-level marketing scheme.

They sold me inventory.

How much?

A whole bunch of boxes
for only like, , bucks!

- Oof.
- Five Gs?

- Ay yi yi.
- [LAUGHS]

Jeff, that was our life savings!

That's your life savings?

You live at home.

Yeah, what's your monthly nut?

That's not the issue!

Now come on, Jeff,
we're getting our money back!

No! I won't go!

We can get a treat on the way.

That's more like it!

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]

My husband gave you our life savings,
and I want it back!

Right this way.

- [GRUNTING]
- Step into our Angry Spouse Holding t*nk.

Someone will be with you soon.

Better be soon! 'Cause I'm angry!

Over and over,
the same g*dd*mn mistakes!

I could've married Al Roker!

Had to make his own decisions.

Ha! They always do.

It is a good deal, though. The leggings?

% margins.

He's a mole, get him out of here!

[GRUNTS]

[SCOFFS] % margins.

% margins, b*tches.

I am in.

Welp, looks like the rest of us

are gonna have to clean up this mess.

I don't know how you did it, Jeff,

but you stumbled ass-backwards
into the deal of the century.

We're in!

Okay, let me just roll these D&D dice.

And now match the numbers to
the corresponding bible verse.

"As ye hear the sound of the trumpet...

Absalom reigneth in Hebron..."

That settles it! I'm on board, too!

Alright. Let's talk sales strategy.

I was thinking we could
do like a sales party,

like a Tupperware party
but with leggings?

Yes, love it.

I'm promoting you to
Executive Vice President.

Oh, we could film ourselves
in our leggings

and put it on Instagram!

Film? People love newspapers.
Anyone else have ideas?

What if we, like,
go up to people somewhere

with our leggings and...

and ask them if they want to buy them?

Back to [BLEEP] basics!

That's what I'm talking about!

Good job, Klaus!

Nice exchange.

Klaus and Steve are now
Executive Vice Presidents.

Incredible decision, Mom.

I'm promoting you to
Executive Vice President!

Throw me up as an EVP, too.

What about me? Can I be an EVP?

That would be nepotism,
and that's just bad optics, Jeff.

Are you kidding me?!
This whole thing was my idea.

Either make me the same as you guys,
or I'm out!

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm afraid it's a hard "no", Jeff.

But you can still be
part of our workforce.

No! I'm out of here!

- Come on, Babe.
- Sorry, Jeff.

I'm sticking with them.

Oh, my God, dude! That's your wife!

- Dad!
- What? It was crazy!

Mr. Fritz!

Glad you could make it.

Happy to be here, Steve.

This is my wife, Tonya Harding.

Sorry, one sec.

Stretcharoo leggings, go for Steve.

You want how many?! [WHISTLES]

Klaus, this guy wants a thousand units.

A thousand units?

[LAUGHS] Okay.

I'm Klaus, by the way.

[GROANS] Are you buying or not, Greg?

What? I got your mail by accident.
I just walked in.

Yeah,
and you didn't look so hot doin' it.

You need a stretchier pant.

With a busy print to distract
people from all this.

Nice try, this is where
I want people's attention.

What the hell's going on?
We're drowning!

Do I have to remind everyone
how over-invested we are?

It's this friggin' crowd.
They're a bunch of d*ck teases.

That's why we got to MAPA...

maintain a party atmosphere.

Get 'em loose, and they'll be buying.

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Buckle's trying to escape!

Through the kitchen, my Yiddish queen!

[GRUNTING]

Your leggings...

they're gorgeous.

Yeah, I like the pineapples.

Playful, yet honoring
the contours of your body...

I must have them!

I'm wearing these.

Why don't you buy a pair from Mrs. S?

- What's going on here?
- Jeff's poaching our clients!

He lured Buckle in here with his body.

I'm just sitting here!

Wow, Jeff,
you're trying to torpedo this event?

A successful event?

Screw it.

Buckle, how much do you want to pay?

How much were you thinking?

Sold!

Wow, Jeff.

This isn't a game for us, Jeff.

You've awakened a sleeping giant, Jeff.

A giant that will crush
you and be crowned

Top Seller at the
Cancun Rewards Weekend.

Boom. How ya like that, Jeffy boy?

I like that just fine, Mrs. S!

'Cause I'm gonna crush you!

I'm gonna m*rder you in your sleep!

Oh, like that's so hard!

Enough! No more talk.

We'll see you at the rewards weekend.

Yeah, you will...

ALL: Rewards weekend.

♪♪

Rewards weekend.

[YAWNS]

Rewards weekend.

Aah!

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

Rewards weekend.

Rewards weekend.

Rewards...

Aah!

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

It's been a record breaking year,
Stretcharoos!

And it's all because of you!

You decided to choose success!

I thank you, my husband thanks you...

Jim, get on out here!

Let's go!

Are we ready to party, Cancun?!

[CHEERING]

Now hold up, before we party,

ol' Jim needs to get
a little serious, y'all.

I need to tell you a story
about someone you know.

Me.

WOMAN: We love you, Jim!

Married!

[LAUGHTER]

Before Stretcharoo,
I was in a really toxic relationship.

With my current wife, Deborah.

We hated each other
because we hadn't made

the decision to choose success.

But then Deborah saw a
basket of tennis balls.

It was like a bolt of
lightning hit her in the face.

Our first Stretcharoos print,
the iconic "Tenniz Ballz",

was born.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And our relationship was reborn

because we chose success.

Just as you chose success.

Let's give it up.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- WOMAN: We love you, Jim!

Now the fun stuff!

The food tonight is b*mb, so eat up.

Mmm-mm-mm!

And then after dinner,
we're gonna Lambada down

to the beach for the after party.

There's gonna be a bonfire,
a s'mores cart.

An astronomer.

Oh, my God, the astronomer!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Okay, I think it's award time.

Top new salesperson, let's do it!

And the winner is...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Jeff Fischer!
- Jeff Fischer!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- What?!

Did you never consider
this possibility, Stan?

We had no sales!

- Zero!
- What?!

And, Klaus, you knew this?

Me?

You're the one who set
up a conference call

last week and just kept screaming,

"The ship is sinking!"

And how about your prize?

A brand new Brookstone Massage Chair!

Tell us, Jeff,
what was the secret to your success?

Good decisions.

Now we got one more surprise,
and it's a good'un.

Get hyped for...

- Pitbull!
- Pitbull!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Dale mi gente,
let's give it up for Jiggity Jeff!

This biggity boy should
be priggity proud!

- ♪ It's goin' down ♪
- ♪ It's goin' down ♪

- ♪ I'm yellin' timber ♪
- ♪ I'm yellin' timber ♪

- ♪ You better move ♪
- ♪ You better move ♪

- ♪ You better dance ♪
- ♪ You better dance ♪

And, guys,
Pitbull is contractually obligated

to stick around for a half
hour of the after-party!

[SCREAMS]

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

Whoa, look at that star!

PITBULL: Wow.

Pitbull's been here for five minutes

longer than his contract requires.

He must be enjoying Jeff!

Maybe he'd be enjoying us
if Stan sold some leggings!

Me?! What about you?!

I married you because I
thought you could sell!

That's why I married you!

Pitbull's feeding Jeff a s'more now.

Enough! I'm going over there

and giving him a piece of my mind!

Hey!

Please help us, Jeff!

Things are going so bad!

Our finances are in ruins!

Our emotions suck, too.

Stan and I are sleeping
in separate beds.

We all are!

We're sorry, Jeff. Please guide us.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, I'll do it.

How you liking that telescope, Armando?

That's right, I looked you up.

Jeff, I feel like a kid on
his first day of university.

A sponge, ready to soak up
your deep knowledge

of selling tights!

They're leggings.

Holy moly, class is in session.

I'm just happy we're finally a team.

Now everyone has a say.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- We don't want a say.
- You don't?

No way. Our ideas are sh*t.

We want you to tell us what to do.

Okay.

Come on, hit us with those nuggets!

Your top sales techniques.

I guess always be an alpha?

Yeah. Never, ever, ever be a beta!

Not even sometimes?

No.

What are some of the actual
things you did to sell?

Mmm, good Q, Hayley.

Some concrete examples
that could save us

from financial ruin could be helpful.

Would you excuse me for a sec?

I should call the bank.

They've been trying
real hard to reach me.

[VOMITS]

What's up, bud?

What are you doing?

Upper deckin' the toilet.
What's new with you?

What's new is I'm a fraud.

Everyone's a fraud, Jeff.
Be more specific.

I made up all my sales, Roger!

I've been buying inventory
then writing fake receipts.

How'd you buy so much inventory?

I robbed a bank.

Wow, impressive.

I can't make decisions for the family,

I can't even make decisions for myself.

I'm just gonna come clean
and tell them everything.

You could do that and
prove everyone right.

Or you could make your lie true.

You just need one big, good decision

to make everything right.

[PLOPS]

Ah, dangit, I dropped my phone.

So what's it gonna be?

I'm gonna...

Don't tell me. I don't care.

And, Jeff, don't tell anyone
about the upper decking.

It'll make my joke less funny.

Jeff, Francine's being a beta.

Ah!

JEFF: [THINKING] One good decision.

What are you doing with your eyes?

I'm looking for stuff.

Should we be looking for stuff, too?

I have a ton of leggings.

I mean, you guys have a ton
of leggings to get rid of.

So I'm thinking we need something big.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]

Wait a minute. The game!

You thinking massive FanDuel bet?

Mr. S, can you get some helicopters?

Sure, I still know some guys at the CIA.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

♪♪

It all comes down to this.

If Shiballski makes this kick,
the Sharks win the championship!

The ball is snapped,
the kick is up, it's...

- [HELICOPTER CHUFFING]
- ...blown wide by six

cargo helicopters that appear
to be dropping what appear to be

low-quality leggings on
the heartbroken crowd!

- [CROWD BOOING]
- Sharks lose!

Sharks lose! Suck it, Sharks!

Cyber Moles forever!

Now all we have to do is wait for them

to send in their payments
with all the self-addressed

envelopes we attached!

Here's your mail.

It's just a tree-trimming flyer.

Damn.

Actually, let me see that.

They just stole all our leggings?

[HORN HONKS]

No one wants your shitty leggings.

Here's a big-ass bill for the cleanup.

[WAILS, SOBS]

[SOBS]

This is all my fault!

No, it's my fault!

I'm a fraud!

I didn't sell any leggings!

All my sales receipts were made up!
[SOBS]

Oh, wow, we should've done that.

I just wanted to prove you all wrong,

show you I could make good decisions.

I ruined this family!

And I robbed a bank!

Cool.

[SOBBING] Put me out of my misery!

k*ll me!

Cut off my head and
don't call an ambulance!

Core team, huddle up.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sorry, Jeff, that's not going
to be possible right now.

You made some bad decisions,
but we all did.

This is not your fault.

It's not really any of our faults.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know.

No, you're right, it's not our faults.

I'll tell you whose fault it is...
multi-level marketing!

Yeah, they lure you in with big promises

and self-improvement jargon,
and then they suck you dry.

Who sucks you dry?

They prey on suckers!

Like us.

And the only way to get out of it

is to find an even bigger sucker.

Ding-dang! % margins?
I feel like a thief!

Now you sure you want to sell
me all these gorgeous leggings?

I mean, they're gorgeous!

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yep.
- Yes.

- Definitely.
- Please take them.

Money's been tight lately. Ma moved in.

She's sick.

The medical bills are
crippling what with

the dialysis every day. Don't ask.

But with this new revenue stream,

our prayers have been answered!

God, I'm so happy I could sing!

♪ It's goin' down ♪

♪ I'm yellin' timber! ♪

I'd like to propose a toast.

Thanks for letting me
order the "sal-man."

Not really a toast,
but I'll drink to it.

Here. Have half my sandwich.

Thanks, Babe.

You know, I guess I have made
one really good decision.

My wife!

Aww.

Have a great night!