03x03 - Speak the Speech, I Pray You

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

JACQUELINE: At the Convent San Tanco,

we don't usually become ecstatic about funerals,

but Sister Bertrille, the Reverent Mother and I

just returned from services

for a very special man, Father Carver.

There was an even larger turnout

than for his Easter sermon.

Yes. And it wasn't just everybody from San Tanco.

All the showbusiness people from the winter colony,

they were all there.

Well, he was practically one of them.

Oh, remember how he used to play the piano? And the drums?

Oh, and that blues guitar?

And he sang beautifully.

And he was a great shortstop, for a man .

SIXTO: The way he always wanted to do things and be with people.

Why couldn't he have lived to go to his own funeral?

JACQUELINE: At the very moment Sister Sixto

was very quaintly posing that question,

another question was being answered:

who would replace Father Carver?

The new priest for San Tanco was Father Walter Larson,

the assistant to the assistant curator

of archives at a seminary in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

A brilliant man with a bent toward research,

but a novice about everything else,

including weddings, baptisms, saint's-day masses,

cake sales, and heated games of bingo.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

JACQUELINE: Father Larson arrived in San Tanco

at : in the evening.

At exactly : the next morning,

he arrived at the convent

to see an old friend of his, our Reverend Mother.

Good morning, Father. Good morning.

Good morning.

Please, be seated.

You must be Father Larson, our new priest.

[STAMMERS] New priest in an old body, I'm afraid.

Oh, well, I'm Sister Bertrille.

Oh, how do you do? Oh, sorry.

Sister Sixto. Oh.

Good morning. Blessings. Good morning.

Well, your ears certainly must have been burning

in the last couple of days.

I-- I beg your pardon?

You know what they say,

when people are talking about you

that your ears are burning? That's a finger of speech.

No, a "figure." She pointed.

BERTRILLE: Anyway, everyone's been talking about you

and how you'd feel about coming to San Tanco

after living in such-- If the father will forgive me,

such a swinging city like Pittsburg.

There's a great deal to do here.

I know. I saw the church bulletin board.

BERTRILLE: Oh, you can't judge by that.

Social activities are slow this time of the year.

This is the slow time of the year?

BERTRILLE: Oh, my goodness, yes.

In July, things really start humming.

You get in all the dances and the bazaars... Ah, yes.

...and the game nights and the Kiwanis and the Rotary club.

The Get Acquainted Banquet, that's this weekend.

That's the first one, but there must be

at least banquets a year.

SIXTO: Sister Bertrille, there are not banquets a year.

No, she's right. There must be at least .

Now, and then there's the fiestas.

I tell you, Father Carver said

he felt like the parish priest of Disneyland.

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that parish.

Oh, Lydia.

Walter.

My dear.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

We'll clean up later. Yes, thank you, Sisters.

Very nice to have met you, Father Larson. Yes.

Welcome to San Tanco. Blessings.

Well, won't you sit? Oh, thank you, Lydia.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

When I received a phone call

early this morning from a Father Larson,

I could hardly believe it was my old friend of years.

That's years.

That was the year before I went into archives work.

True. Well, Walter, how are you?

Oh, as well as could be expected.

Are you ill? Yes.

At the thought of taking over this parish.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, why, it's a lovely parish.

Not for someone who's been in the archives room for years.

Oh, I don't question the church's wisdom.

I-- I ken my own weaknesses.

Oh, Lydia. Lydia, I've never really been a priest.

Oh, I've worn the cloth, true.

But I've never performed a marriage ceremony,

final rites, that sort of thing.

I could see that I could master those.

But these other things--

What other things?

All those activities on the church bulletin board.

Oh.

Next week, a bake-off,

and the priest is the judge.

Lydia, I've been around books, not people.

Walter, you are not expected to be a social lion.

But according to Sister Bertrille,

I should have taken training

as a fun director on a cruise ship.

Sister Bertrille has a great talent for exaggeration.

Is the Get Acquainted Banquet an exaggeration?

Oh, no, the whole parish will be there.

To hear me speak?

Oh, Lydia, I failed remedial oratory three times in a row.

Since I became a priest, I've never made a speech.

Not true, not true.

I did once address a Bulgarian religious order.

Walter, the parish doesn't expect a brilliant orator.

They deserve better than me. No, they don't.

Oh, I mean--

You'll have them glued to their seats, I'm sure.

Well, I hope so. The Bulgarians walked out.

No. No, I just-- Walter.

I have a simple solution for you.

Thank you, Reverend Mother,

and, uh, sisters, for allowing yourselves to be hostages.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me.

Well, I spent the entire morning writing this speech.

With minor modifications,

it is the quintessence of what I shall say

at the, uh, at the banquet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,

honored guests,

I approach this evening with a sense

of vivitur parvo bene, cui paternum splendet,

ex qua urbe veni?

From what city did he come?

And Catullus answered that he came from Rome,

but that he was now of Tybilium,

as I am now of San Tanco.

But, the poet asks,

Quid brevi fortes iaculamur

aevo multa?

[CONTINUES IN LATIN]

In China,

in old China, many centuries ago

two boys on a small road, brothers,

brothers both,

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

...And his brother.

[LARSON CONTINUING IN LATIN]

I change my allegiance to San Tanco.

[♪♪♪]

[NUNS APPLAUDING]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

It was not bad, Walter. Not bad?

I almost fell asleep twice.

When I was quoting Milennius

and halfway through the reign of Marcus Aurelius.

It was a beginning.

Lydia, would you like to hear an unbiased opinion?

Walter, if you were to ask Sister Bertrille

what she thought about your speech,

I am certain that she would say it was just fine.

Sister Bertrille, tell me,

how did the sisters like being bored by my speech?

Oh, we loved being bored.

[STAMMERS] I mean, it was a speech, Father.

It was a speech.

You didn't mind suffering?

Oh, no. We're nuns. We're supposed to suffer.

I mean, I can honestly say

I have never heard a speech quite like it.

That bad, hm? Terrible.

Sister Bertrille.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

Would you say it was the worst speech you ever heard?

The worst.

[STAMMERS] But it did have its good points.

The truth, now.

It was absolutely the worst speech I ever heard.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

I try to bend the truth but every time I do,

he looks at me and I have to unbend it.

It's all right, Sister Bertrille.

Oh, yes, my child.

Must be other priests who can cope with San Tanco.

Lydia, I'm going back to the archives.

Father. Father.

I don't wish to appear brazen or anything,

but, you know, you're probably a wonderful speaker

if anyone knew what you were speaking about.

Yes, that's been my problem.

I've never mastered the judicious use

of the monosyllabic articulations.

That's what I mean.

If you'll forgive me.

I mean, you use so many big words

that by the time I figure out one

I have three more waiting in line for me.

And those quotations. They were dull too?

I almost fell asleep twice.

When you were quoting Milennius and right in the middle of...

Marcus Somebody. Aurelius.

That's the fellow. Mm.

I must confess, Walter,

it was almost too much for me too.

Father, um, perhaps you could get someone

to lighten up your speeches.

You know, punch in a few jokes?

Why, that's a splendid idea, Sister Bertrille.

And perhaps I could be of assistance.

Now, I know a very sweet little joke--

Reverend Mother, that's not quite what I had in mind.

Come on, now, you're not a real nun.

They're doing Sound of Music around here, am I right?

No, Mr. Simms. [CHUCKLING] I'm wrong?

All right then, Carlos. You're putting me on.

Oh, Danny, what do you want from me?

If I didn't get a writer from the show business colony,

she was going to jinx my casino.

Oh, now, I merely hinted that I might mention something

about your jackpots at evening prayer.

All I want today is some help with this speech.

Yeah, but I never wrote for a priest before.

True, I've written for some stars

who wanted a church named after them,

one who wanted a whole religion.

I shouldn't knock him, 'cause I won an Emmy with him.

You've won an Emmy?

Mr. Simms, you just have to help him.

You must know a lot of small words.

Wha-- What's his style?

Well, he's, uh...

He's sort of a...

He doesn't have a style That's your problem. Mine?

That's the way she always does it.

A man with your experience could make him into anything.

Like Rex Harrison did with Julie Andrews, you know?

What I had in mind was

something that could make him seem easy and relaxed.

Like Dean Martin, but no drinking jokes.

Or, or...

[♪♪♪]

"And I hope to become pretty good

at this after-dinner speaking.

I'll probably end up speaking

every time I see a white cloth put on a table.

I may even end up speaking at appendectomies."

I don't know. I seem to ask this every time,

[STAMMERS] Do you think this is really me?

[CLEARS THROAT] That speech is you, Father.

You're right. That's me.

You don't have to get a laugh every five seconds.

I wouldn't do that to you.

But I do believe in getting 'em

when you're going for 'em.

There's an epigram by Publilius Syrus

which crystalizes my dilemma.

"En librarium--" Father.

Put in what you said.

We finished our chores a little early

so I thought we'd come over and help.

All right, Father Larson, you've got yourself a speech.

Listen, let me know how you make out, huh?

I will. And I'll find a way to pay you.

Oh, you want to pay me? Write me a thank-you note.

The guys in Hollywood are never gonna believe

how I spent my vacation.

He has two Emmys, you know.

Oh, really?

Well, we mustn't judge him.

I'm sure he's a fine man anyway.

Would you like to, uh, hear the speech he wrote?

Oh, we'd love to-- I'm afraid not--

Have lots of work to do. We'd love to hear it.

Good. Sit right over here. Please.

[♪♪♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

"A funny thing happened to me on the way to San Tanco.

I arrived early in the morning in a cab.

I walked into the church.

And there, I saw a pool which I backed into.

I realized later I had almost drowned in the holy water.

I knew it was holy because it was full of holes.

That, incidentally, reminds me

of the story of the elephant.

Do you know why an elephant is like a can of tomatoes?

Because neither one of them can ride a bicycle.

I suddenly realized that 'San Tanco'

meant 't*nk Town' in Puerto Rican.

And I hope to become pretty good at this after-dinner speaking.

I'll probably end up speaking every time

I see a white cloth put on a table.

So I would now like to extend an invitation of my own.

A cheery, drop-on-in,

and have a mass on me."

[CHORTLES]

Well, you knew the speech was for a priest.

Doesn't the president have joke writers for his speeches?

Where do you think he gets all these funny things

he says about the vice president?

I don't know. But Carlos, You have to do something else.

Like what? Well, you bought

a lot of tickets to the banquet, didn't you?

CARLOS: Yeah. For all my employees.

Good. Then you can order them

to laugh at all of Father Larson's jokes.

Like a click.

A clock? A claque.

I knew it wasn't a clock.

You want me to load the house

like I do for a comic in my casino?

Just enough to give him a little confidence.

For a priest? I mean, you load the casino

when you want to get great reviews in the papers

but for a priest?

He's not only a priest,

he's a terrible comedian.

SIXTO: It'll break his heart.

He'll fall apart. His whole world'll crumble.

Can't you get your people to just laugh a little?

Like, every time he opens his mouth?

Listen to the wonderful turnout.

Oh, yes, Lydia. Yes.

I was just debating a course of action.

Walter, when you practiced your speech for me this afternoon,

it was much better than on the other occasions.

And I heard this morning's version

and it was coming along.

You know, St. Augustine once said

that an unfortunate side effect of the religious life

was that one forgot how to lie convincingly.

Oh, I thought I was lying rather convincingly.

I don't tell jokes well, do I?

Oh, your jokes are much better than your quotations.

Yes, well, at least they are my quotations.

[NUNS CHUCKLE QUIETLY]

He's a dealer too. Good. Let's go in there.

No, I'd rather stick around and make sure

that Carlos' people remember about the laughing.

We need all those laughs.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Uh, don't be surprised if my speech

receives a rather somber reception.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Father Larson.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Procuna, Mrs. Procuna.

Reverend Mother, Sister Jacqueline

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Ramirez.

Ladies and gentlemen,

at this humble moment,

I am reminded of the arrival

of another man to a strange city.

Ex qua urbe veni?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

From what city did he come?

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

That question posed to Catullus

never seemed to be humorous before.

[CHUCKLES]

Catullus answered that he came from Rome.

But that he was now of Tybilium.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As I am now of San Tanco.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, here you are.

I, uh, I just couldn't leave

without thanking you for what you did.

They didn't tell you? Who?

What were they supposed to tell me?

[SIGHS]

Father, do you believe in reincarnation?

I've never entertained the concept.

Well, I do. I think I must have been something else

like the iceberg that sank the Titanic

or the cow that started the Chicago fire.

I guess I better give it to you straight, huh?

How would you like to have a seat first?

Oh, it was one of my bright ideas again.

You see, every time you got a laugh,

I was to blame.

You had that little faith in me?

You didn't believe that I had

the inner strength to bear the suffering?

Oh, please, please.

Forgive me, Sister Bertrille. Forgive you? For what?

I caused you to weaken. To lose your faith.

Goodbye, Sister Bertrille. Sister Jacqueline.

BERTRILLE: Wait, Father Larson. Wait.

Father Larson,

the Reverend Mother's not back.

You just can't leave without saying goodbye to her.

I did. In a note. Oh, Father.

I beg your indulgence for one moment.

I'd like to say

that, well, I won't forgive you unless you forgive me.

Forgiveness is not a cord of wood to be bartered.

No. Well. I don't know who forgives who for what.

But I do know that you just can't quit.

My child, this is not the Notre Dame football team.

You are not Knute Rockne.I know.

But I am an expert on failing.

Let me tell you something.

I once had a lot of trouble flying.

Many people are afraid to fly.

Not that kind of flying.

Well, what other kind is there?

Well, here goes, if you'll excuse me.

[♪♪♪]

This kind of flying.

I guess I should've broken it to you more gently.

[STAMMERS] You were flying.

Yes, well, the first time they saw me,

eight of the sisters fainted.

[STAMMERS] You were flying.

It's not a miracle or anything.

I work aerodynamically.

And at first, I was just terrible at it.

You were flying.

Because of the shape of my hat and my weight.

But all in all, I was the lousiest flier in the whole sky.

But now I'm pretty good at it, huh?

You are, you are.

Well, you see what I'm trying to tell you?

Well, you should have seen some of my take-offs.

Let me show you.

Sometimes I get caught in an up-draft

or a down-draft.

Or I come in for a rough landing

and ground loop.

You see? I wouldn't quit trying.

Every time I failed,

I went right back up and tried again.

Now, I'm one of the best flying nuns in the whole world.

There are others?

No, I don't think so.

I was just trying to be modest.

The point is, Father, you can't quit trying.

For some strange reason,

I'm filled with magnificent new hope.

If you did fly, or if you didn't,

it's as if someone were trying to tell me something.

You'll keep trying?

What?

You know, I'm beginning to believe

in reincarnation myself.

I think you are Knute Rockne.

Oh, thank you very much.

[♪♪♪]

Row G, .

Now, keep your eyes on your bingo cards,

ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go again.

Bingo?

He's still not as good as Father Carver,

rest his soul, but he's giving it the good old college try.

Shucks.

Row B, .

Did I hear a "Bingo?"

ALL: Bingo.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]