03x05 - Marcello's Idol

[bunniefuu]

["THE FLYING NUN" THEME SONG PLAYS]

[BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

SISTER JACQUELINE: It has been said

that the pen is mightier than the sword.

True. Especially if that pen is wielded by Marcello.

He had asked us to correct the spelling

in a letter he had written.

A letter filled, he said,

with nice things about the Sisters.

"Dear cousins, thank you for your letter,"

so on and so forth, etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah.

Now, there's a vocabulary.

I'm looking for the good things he said about us.

Um, "Life is very exciting at the convent,

and the nuns have a ball--" Hmm?

"--game for us almost every day."

[SIGHS]

Had me worried there for a minute.

"Sister Bertrille is a real gutsy first baseman."

Gutsy? Me?

That's the first compliment.

"She's almost a boy."

That's two.

"And Sister Jacqueline is one of the nicest fellas I ever met.

In fact, all the nuns are real nice guys."

I've never been described as a fella before.

Fellas? Guys? Do you get the impression

that Marcello is substituting us for the father he ought to have?

Yes. And we're pretty poor substitutes.

You can't look like a boy's father

if you're wearing a skirt. Or knitting sweaters.

I think I can do something about it.

Tell me, most boys have someone they look up to, don't they?

Well, who do you look up to?

Well, first, of course, there is God.

Well, of course.

But I thought maybe there was someone in San Tanco,

some man that you admire.

Maybe someone influential, like Mayor Calderon?

Uh, someone rich like the president of the bank,

Juan Lopez Rodriquez?

How about Carlos Ramirez?

Carlos?

Boy, you sure dropped down a long way

from your first suggestion.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKING TONGUE]

What is that for? Well, forgive me, Carlos,

but a note with flowers should be flowery too.

"To the only girl in the world I could love, Carlos."

A simple, honest statement.

Yeah, but all three cards are the same.

That's all right. The girls are different.

Take care of this. Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hello, Roberto. Hello, Sister.

How are you? Fine, thank you.

Good.

Hello, Carlos. Hello, Sister.

Uh, I have a problem.

So have I.

My problem is you coming to me with your problems.

How big a problem is it?

In dollars and cents. You think I'm always

after money, don't you? Yes.

Surprise. This is a human problem.

Those are the worst. It's one of our boys.

I think I got it. His name is Marcello,

and he very much needs to have an occasional father.

You know, a man

that would take him for a day every now and then.

Well, there's this rather well-known man in San Tanco

that he thinks is wonderful.

But this man that he idolizes and admires

isn't completely admirable.

Well-known and not completely admirable.

Sounds like Mayor Calderon.

Rodriguez, the banker.

Who is it? You.

Sister Bertrille, I want you to know

that I am completely admirable.

You're a gambler. Who isn't?

An insurance man is respected, right?

While he's gambling, you'll stay alive and keep paying premiums.

Isn't that right? Well, yes.

You take a broker.

I mean, he's a solid citizen,

but he not only gambles on the market,

he is worse than a racetrack tout.

"Carlos, buy ACME balloons.

They are going up.

Buy United Rabbits. They are going to double."

I have integrity.

I wouldn't dream of telling my customers

to play the hard eight. Well, yes--

The farmer gambles on the weather.

And we are all gambling

we are going to be just good enough

to sneak into heaven.

Carlos, you know something?

You're right. I know.

I accused you unfairly. Yes, you did.

You'd probably be a good influence

on Marcello. I would be.

As long as he didn't stay with you very long.

How could it possibly hurt him

if I take him sailing for half a day?

Yes, you're right. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

I'll bring Marcello over tomorrow around noon.

Good. Goodbye.

Oh, Sister.

What is it about me that he admires so much?

Well, he said you're very smart. Mm-hm.

And, uh... Charming.

Charming. Yes, he said that.

And, uh-- Intelligent.

Intelligent. He said that.

He said you had, uh, charisma.

Yeah, charisma. I have a lot of that.

He's very observant.

Goodbye. Thank you.

Goodbye.

What did she want this time?

Well, she didn't want me

to take one of her boys sailing tomorrow.

But I talked her into it.

She did it again.

[CHUCKLES]

So the next day, Sister Bertrille arrived

outside Carlos' office with an impatient Marcello.

And inside, Carlos was a little impatient himself.

I can't wait.

In minutes, it'll be just you and I

heading out to sea.

To see what?

Oh, you beautiful thing.

You're so defenseless, so helpless.

But I'm gonna help you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Who is it?

Sister Bertrille and Marcello.

I forgot. I promised to take this boy sailing today.

I'm going to get rid of him.

I would never do this if I weren't so mad about you.

Oh. Ahem.

Hello. Hello.

Carlos, I'd like you to meet my friend Marcello.

Oh, mucho gusto. Señor Ramirez,

this is a great moment in my life.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

You see, you're numero uno. Oh, well, yes.

I hope you won't be too disappoint--

Oh, you could never disappoint me, Don Carlos.

Talk about hero worship.

Well, I don't think I can take you sailing.

You don't have to take me sailing.

I wanna do whatever you wanna do.

Well... And maybe you can tell me

how you got to be so wonderful.

Before this gets too sticky, should we go inside and--?

Sister Bertrille, this is a private office.

Well, sure, but I mean-- No. Uh-uh.

For men only. Marcello.

Aye, aye, sir.

I will bring him back

as soon as we are through with our sailing.

Avast and belay, man the main sheets,

and ship ahoy!

It is very beautiful.

Why, thank you. Look.

You too?

Oh, Marcello, I want you to meet my-- My crew.

Hello. This is Marcello.

I'm going to be his father for a few hours.

Right, son?

Right, Dad.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, you can't do that.

I can if you don't pay any more attention.

Sister Bertrille, I presume Marcello is not back yet.

No, Reverend Mother. Sister Bertrille,

do you have the feeling

that this is one of your ill-fated,

wonderful ideas?

Oh, no, Reverend Mother.

That's strange. I do.

Well, they're just late.

What could have happened to him?

Maybe the wind d*ed down or they ran into a reef...

or there were sharks.

Carlos is a very good sailor.

You know, once he sailed that boat through a hurricane,

and that's quite a foot. No, you mean "feat."

No, foot. He only did it once.

[TIRES SQUEAL] Oh.

MARCELLO: Good night, Don Carlos.

[VEHICLE SPEEDS AWAY]

Oh, Marcello, we were so worried about you.

It was my fault, Sister.

I drove out in the ocean too far.

I mean-- Carlos let you sail the boat?

All by myself. And it was very exciting

because I almost hit another boat.

Oh. Was Carlos angry?

He didn't even know. He was down below with the crew.

Oh, good. Did you have a nice time

talking and everything? We didn't talk very much,

but I'll give you -to- he'll ask me again.

They talked enough.

I was hoping that they'd have

kind of a father-and-son bull session.

Most of the time, I was in the back, steering.

He was up in the front putting suntan oil on the crew.

Well, what was the crew wearing?

A bikini.

Why don't you go and wash up for dinner?

She certainly has a lot of skin.

Oh. Carlos didn't take Marcello for a sail.

Marcello took Carlos

and one of his girls. He chauffeured the boat.

SISTER BERTRILLE: I'm not only shocked, I'm disappointed.

CARLOS: But, Sister Bertrille, please.

Here's a boy who idolizes you,

who worships the ground under your feet of clay,

and you used him to chauffeur you and your crew

around the bay. Oh, he didn't enjoy himself?

That's not the point.

I expected you to devote

at least a few hours to him,

but you hardly even spoke to him.

Well, try to understand, Sister.

I couldn't help myself.

The crew was so attractive.

And I am so human.

Did you know Marcello almost smashed into another boat

while your frailties were getting the best of you?

Oh, that's probably what all the yelling was about.

I don't know how you feel about it.

but we don't like our children participating

in marine disasters!

Okay, Sister, listen, I'm sorry.

You should be. Well, I am.

I apologize. I don't accept it.

I've had it, and so have you.

You are through as an occasional father.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille, I heard you had gone to see Don Carlos.

How is he?

Well, a little red in the face right now.

Oh, sunburn.

Yes, he got a little scorched.

Did he say when he was going to invite me again?

Well, no.

He didn't like me? Oh, he liked you.

Well, he called me "son" twice and "skipper" six times.

He must have liked me a little. Well, yes. He's a very busy man.

Why is it so important to you?

Sister Bertrille, I had thought maybe,

well, if he'd like me enough, he might adopt me.

Oh.

I would make him

a very good son,

and he'd be a wonderful father. Wonderful father?

He hardly even talked to you. Talk is just talk.

I could tell. Ah.

Well, you see...

Carlos couldn't adopt you even if he wanted to.

You have to be a married couple, a husband and wife,

and Carlos isn't married. Why not?

I don't know. That's a very good question.

I bet Carlos doesn't even know the answer to that.

Sister Bertrille,

I think I'm gonna have to do something about that.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Don Carlos, may I ask a personal question?

Mm-hm. Everybody asks that.

Why is it you aren't married?

I've wondered that myself. Well, I don't know.

Sister Bertrille said she didn't think you knew either.

Well, that's very brilliant of her.

As a matter of fact, I would like very much to be married.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.So am I.

What's holding up things?

Would you like to play with this?

We're gonna be late for lunch. Ah.

Maybe he just hasn't found the right girl yet, Marcello.

How about this one?

She is much too beautiful.

She is the unattainable one. Heh, try me.

CARLOS: It wouldn't be fair for one man to have you all to himself.

It's easy. I did it.

Funny.

Now, make yourself at home.

Oh, hello, Sister.

Oh, I'm sorry, but we are going to be late for lunch.

I hope you and your crew have a lovely lunch.

Why, thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille, I found out why he is not married.

Uh, his slip rating runs , right?

No, he said he hasn't found the right girl yet.

But there's always so many beautiful girls around him.

Well, beauty isn't everything to a man.

You're joking.

No, he told the truth. She was too beautiful.

Well, it's barely possible that he might realize

that sometimes a man is happier

with a plain girl who's beautiful inside.

Oh, now I understand.

Sister Bertrille,

we have to find a girl who wears a bikini on the inside.

[♪♪♪]

She's perfect.

Yeah, a real double halo type.

SISTER JACQUELINE: Now, now. Not perfect.

I may be wise and witty. And modest.

Mm-hm. But not perfect.

You're perfect. You cook good,

you're beautiful inside and not too pretty.

You notice how some compliments blow up right in your face?

Well, wait till you hear what's coming.

Sister Jacqueline, would you like to marry Carlos?

Oh, boy. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, that's a very interesting suggestion. Heh-heh-heh.

But I'm already spoken for and very happy about it.

Well, he's very rich and handsome.

And he needs somebody like you

so he can adopt somebody like me.

They're little devils this year.

Oh, I see.

Get thee behind me, Marcello.

Have you tried the Reverend Mother?

She turned Carlos down too.

I can see it's gonna be pretty rough

to find the right girl for Carlos.

Practically impossible around here.

Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?

Sister Bertrille should've known better.

To a child, anything is possible

because no one yet has told him it can't be done.

So Marcello, full of the confidence of innocence,

sneaked away from the next day's shopping expedition

to visit the newspaper.

He ended up in the editor's office.

You want to advertise for a wife for Carlos Ramirez, eh?

Yes, sir.

Uh, this is the Carlos Ramirez

who owns the Casino Carlos?

Oh, yes, sir. He said he would like to get married,

so I'm helping. An admirable project.

Sit down, sit down, huh?

But why do youwant to see him married?

I live at the Convent San Tanco.

And if Don Carlos got married

and if he liked me enough, he might adopt me.

[LAUGHS]

Well, uh, just what kind of a girl

did you have in mind for Carlos?

Well, I wrote this up.

[LAUGHING]

A mistake? No, no, no, no, no.

Marcello, you don't have enough money for the ad,

but, uh, I think this would make a good feature story.

I'm going to place it on page one

where everyone will see.

And it will be free? Thank you, sir.

Oh, believe me, I am delighted to help.

And I'm sure our readers will be delighted also.

But I would like to find out more.

Eh, how did you get this idea?

Well, to be honest, it wasn't my idea.

It was Sister Bertrille's.

"To be honest," he said, "it wasn't my idea.

It was Sister Bertrille's."

Oh, that little monster. Sister Bertrille.

I was just joking when I told him to put an ad in the paper.

Well, you know what I mean.

No. I do not.

Well, if I told you to go jump in a lake,

I wouldn't expect you to do it.

And I would not expect you to say such a thing.

Well, Reverend Mother, it was just an example.

I mean, I was just joking.

Oh, there I go again.

Can you imagine

what Señor Ramirez will say about this?

Yes, I can, easily. Oh, you bet.

Señor Ramirez has been most gracious with us.

Now, I want you to take Marcello

and go and see Señor Ramirez and explain.

Perhaps I could explain on the phone.

No, I didn't think so.

And after you explain, you will apologize.

Reverend Mother, you know, Carlos sleeps very late.

Perhaps I could get over there

and steal his paper before he sees it.

Kick it out of the way?

Burn it?

Right away, Reverend Mother.

[CLICKING TONGUE]

[♪♪♪]

Carlos, Señorita Maria Diaz would like to see you.

Oh, come in. Thank you.

Come in, come in.

Please sit down.

What can I do for you?

Señor, I...

I don't know how to begin.

I-- I've seen you often.

Oh, we've met somewhere?

No, but every time I have seen you,

I have felt a feeling. You seem so nice,

so kind. Oh, thank you.

I come from a good family, though we are not wealthy.

And I love children. And I wouldn't mind

having an adopted child at all as long as we had

some of our own. Hold it. Just a moment.

What are you talking about? Why-- Why, this.

"Carlos Ramirez, owner of the Casino Carlos,

and San Tanco's number one bachelor,

is looking for a girl to marry.

A plain girl with a beautiful soul.

At least so says his orphaned friend Marc--"

Oh, no, I don't believe this.

It's not true?

No. Oh, yes.

Well, it is, but it isn't.

Carlos, we're being invaded by women.

They're pounding at the door.

And I just learned why. I'm going to the boat.

Pedro called from the dock. They're down there too.

Well, I have to get out of here. You are wrong.

No matter what you say, you are beautiful inside and outside.

Carlos, I have to talk to you. Maybe next year.

Do you know what you and this crazy kid have done to me?

I-- MARCELLO: Don Carlos!

You see, it was only an accident.

And Carlos was the victim.

Yes. Well, Marcello, he wa--

Marcello...

Where'd he go?

MARCELLO: Hey, Carlos!

Carlos, wait for me!

Let me go with you!

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hey, what are you doing there? Get out.

Not until I explain.

Write me a letter.

Don Carlos, those ladies are coming!

Oh!

He got away.

I have to find them.

It's impossible to find somebody

hiding in the countryside around San Tanco

unless you have a helicopter...

or happened to be Sister Bertrille.

CARLOS: A fine mess you got me into.

You turned me, Carlos Ramirez, into a fugitive from women.

I apologize.

Tomorrow I will go to the newspapers

and tell them the true story. Good.

That Carlos Ramirez hates women.

Hates women? I love women.

But you just said-- You didn't let me finish.

I love women who are single and who wish to remain single.

Now I understand.

I'm sorry, Carlos.

Forgive me?

Okay, I forgive you.

Now you say you're sorry to me.

What for?

For calling me a crazy kid.

That's because you are a crazy kid.

Now, because of you, I cannot show my face in San Tanco

until it gets dark.

Because of you, every time I run into a beautiful girl,

she will say, "Oh, no, Carlos, I'm not plain enough for you."

And the plain ones will say,

"Close your eyes, I'm beautiful inside."

And all of them will say,

"Oh, no, I have to get permission from Marcello first."

Heh. You're just joking.

Oh, you make me drop my puzzle.

[♪♪♪]

CARLOS: Now, you will see in a few years when you grow up.

A man likes to pick his own wife

and enjoy every moment of the picking.

Oh, look. And I don't even know how I did it.

And I don't know why you did it. Don't you know

there's a law against kidnapping in this country?

Some people get pennies from heaven.

Me, I get nuns.

Was he mean to you, Marcello?

He raised his vo-- You hit the child?

He raised his voice, but I deserved it.

We are friends again. We are?

"We" meaning him and me.

You and I, Sister, I still have to think that over.

Would a quick apology help you decide?

Okay, okay.

Now, if you don't mind, Sister--

We're having a talk.

Kind of father to son.

Or a number one bachelor to crazy kid.

Oh, well, I can take a hint.

I know where I'm not wanted.

Goodbye.

Ciao.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

He likes me! He likes me very much.

SISTER BERTRILLE: Oh, I know he does.

I think he would like to adopt me.

You wouldn't want him to marry some girl

just so he could adopt you. Oh, no.

A man must pick out his wife by himself

and enjoy every moment of the picking.

Heh. Well, tell me, what is it you like so much about Carlos?

He is so carefree, Sister.

So happy-go-lucky. It is wonderful.

Well, yes, I-- I know.

But if he got married and adopted you,

then he wouldn't be the Carlos you like so much at all.

Oh? Nope.

He'd have responsibilities.

He'd be a husband and a father.

And he wouldn't be San Tanco's number one bachelor.

I wouldn't like to see that. No.

Sister Bertrille.

What?

It may be hard for Carlos,

but I think it would be much better

for my occasional father if I gave him up.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

["THE FLYING NUN" THEME SONG PLAYS]