03x07 - The Not So Great Impostor

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

JACQUELINE: When Joe Barnes was fired from theMiami Clarion,

he decided to come to San Tanco and write a book.

At the end of days,

Joe had written pages,

all numbered page .

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, so you just saw a flying nun,

and she was flying around up there without a plane.

Yeah, yeah.

They must have good booze there in San Tanco.

Reeves, I'm telling you I'm cold sober,

and I saw a nun flying.

Would I lie to you?

Sure. Why should today be different?

If this is a gimmick to get your job back, it won't work,

so don't waste my time, because I don't believe it,

and I don't believe you're writing a book.

I don't have to write a book now.

I've got a story with pictures

that I can sell to any magazine or newspaper

in the country if you don't want it.

So strain that through your mustache,

because you're in for a big, fat surprise, buddy.

JACQUELINE: Joe Barnes was in for a bigger one.

[♪♪♪]

Carlos, old pal.

Why don't you make that "ex-pal"?

Is that any way to talk to a man

who's come to pay off his obligations?

To pay off your obligations?

Okay.

I'll go along with the gag.

You owe me $.

Exactly.

What does that look like?

Well, it looks like a check for $ made out to me

and dated a week from today.

Right. Don't tell me.

You want me to give you the extra hundred right now

in exchange for this piece of rubber you have in your pocket.

This check'll be good in a week,

bet your life on it. No bet.

Carlos, if I'm lying, you're out another hundred.

If I'm not, you're ahead .

Now how can you turn down odds like that?

You're unbelievable.

Okay.

I'll give you the hundred.

Now you can call that the Carlos Ramirez award for chutzpah.

You know what chutzpah is?

I can't say I do.

Chutzpah is a man who k*ll his parents

and then throws himself on the mercy of the court

because he's an orphan.

Carlos, you're a prince. And you're a jerk.

Why don't you make peace with that editor in Miami

and get your old job back?

Nah, because I'm onto something bigger than that two-bit job.

You know where there's a convent around here?

Yeah. A couple of them.

Well, at this one, the nuns wear big, white hats

that stretch out like bird wings.

Sounds like the Convent San Tanco. Why?

Because one of the nuns there

does something you wouldn't believe.

And when I get a picture of her doing it,

I'm going to parlay that picture into a medium-sized fortune.

[POPS LIPS]

Would you get me the Reverend Mother's office

at the Convent San Tanco, please?

[♪♪♪]

If this Mr. Barnes gets a story with pictures

of you and your unusual talent,

uh, that will mean that the Convent San Tanco

will turn into a carnival.

I think it would be wise if you were grounded

until further notice.

Right.

May I suggest we spread the word

to everyone in the convent to button up?

You mean to say someone's going around

with their buttons open?

Sister Sixto,

"button up" means to be careful and keep quiet.

Oh, then I will say to "zip the zipper," heh.

You've got it, eh, sort of.

TAILOR: May I say, sir, I think you are a wonderful human being.

BARNES: Come now. I'll probably get more pleasure out of this

than he will. Oh, but to do this, to--

To buy a complete new outfit for a priest who's too poor

to buy it for himself, it's--

Well, it's just such a lovely gesture.

'Tis more blessed to?

Give than to receive.

Amen.

Isn't it fortunate?

It is just your size. Is it?

You know, I cannot understand

why we did not receive your cable from Nigeria,

Father Flaherty.

The Nigerians are great with spirit,

but a little lacking with the wireless.

No great harm has been done.

With the good Lord's help,

I'm sure that I'll be able to find lodgings

at some hotel or another.

Oh, no, you must stay right here with us.

No. 'Tis a great inconvenience,

I'm sure. Not at all.

We are always happy to welcome visiting priests.

I shall have Sister Ana show you to your room.

Will you say grace, Father, please?

Grace?

Yes.

You know, in Nigeria, we always said a silent grace.

Silent grace?

With the native drums speaking interminably,

a bit of quiet during dinner

was a true blessing indeed.

It's quite simple.

We bow our heads and think whatever we want.

Time's up. Let's eat.

Amen.

I'll go along with that.

Ah, ahem, what are you doing in San Tanco, Father?

Research, Sister.

I'm preparing a series of articles

for The... Christian Science Monitor.

A priest writing for The Christian Science Monitor?

And also for the B'nai B'rith bulletin.

Spread the word wherever we can.

That sounds interesting, Father.

What's the topic?

Life in the convent.

The human side as opposed to the religious.

Somebody's opposing our religion?

No, child. I merely try to show nuns as-- As people.

That's a refreshing point of view.

You'd be surprised how the world looks upon your sect.

Not me. Except maybe my parents.

You know how parents are.

I'm sure that we are all going to enjoy

Father Flaherty's stay very much.

How long will you be here, Father?

Few days at the most.

I brought my camera along to take some photos

along with the article, but the trouble is,

I barely know one end of the thing from the other.

Oh, Sister Bertrille can help you.

She's a regular camera worm.

Bug, if you don't mind.

Well, I don't want to put you to any bother.

Perhaps I'd best forget about the photos.

Okay.

On the other hand,

it would be ungracious of me

not to accept your kind assistance.

Top of morning to you.

Good morning, Father.

Heh. Playing jacks.

Yep.

Looks like fun.

Wanna try?

Well, I barely get beyond threesies,

but I'd give it a go.

[CHUCKLES]

Tell me, who's your favorite Sister?

Oh, we're not allowed to have favorites.

Anyway, they're all pretty nice.

Ah, to be sure.

But each one is different. Am I right?

I guess so.

Well, now, is there anything out of the ordinary

about, say... Sister Jacqueline?

She's a real good second baseman.

And how about Sister Ana?

Sister Ana's very shy,

but she prays louder than anyone.

You missed twosies, and it's my turn.

Oh, sure. To be sure.

How about Sister Sixto?

Wow! I'll say.

What? What is it?

She talks funny.

She told Sister Bertrille

that you almost choked when something you drank

went down the wrong storm drain. Windpipe.

That's just what Sister Bertrille said to Sister Sixto.

Missed. Your turn again.

Oh, is it?

Talking about Sister Bertrille,

is there anything...unusual about her?

Only on windy days.

What happens on windy--

What happens on windy days?

I can't tell you.

Well, if you can't, you can't.

You know why I can't? Nuh-uh.

Because the Reverend Mother and the Sisters

made all of us promise not to tell anyone

about Sister Bertrille.

All right. I know all about her flying

if that's your big secret.

Well, you better not tell

or the Reverend Mother'll give you what for.

Well, then, mum's the word.

Don't you wanna play jacks anymore, Father?

My child, remember what the good book said:

there's a time to work

and a time to play.

And in this light, . opening, one-fiftieth of a second,

I think it's time to work.

[♪♪♪]

JACQUELINE: That afternoon,

armed with a camera

and his beguiling Irish brogue,

he began his campaign to force Sister Bertrille into flying.

[MEOWS] Quiet,

or you'll wind up in a tennis racket.

[MEOWS]

Well, top of the morning to you, Sister Bertrille.

Good morning, Father.

And a lovely morning it is too.

I doubt if I'll ever be able to find the words

to describe the serenity of it all.

Well, if you can't find the words,

why don't you take a picture?

Well, easier said than done.

I don't know how the blooming thing works.

Let me show you. It's very easy. Yeah.

See, now, you turn this little thing here

for the light exposure.

Then you turn this little doohickey right here

for focusing.

And you pull this little thingamabob back like that

and push the button.

That's all there is. Yes.

I'll see you in church, Father. Yeah.

Sister Bertrille?

Is that a cat I hear?

I don't hear anything.

There he is, way up there

in the top of the tree. [CAT MEOWS]

Oh, it's Rudolfo.

Rudolfo, what are you doing up there?

But isn't that cat country?

Well, for your average cat,

but Rudolfo's scared to death of high places.

I can't understand it.

[MEOWING CONTINUES]

See what I mean?

Just hang on, Rudolfo.

I'll get you down.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Yeah.

Get a ladder.

A ladder?

Oh, there's one over there in the bushes.

Allow me.

Thank you, Father.

[MEOWS]

Hang on, Rudolfo, baby. We'll get you down.

Don't move a muscle now.

Just hang on.

Here, let me help you.

Easy. There you go, child.

Wonderful.

Careful, Sister.

[MEOWING] Hang on, Rudolfo, old sport.

I'll get you. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Okay, Father.

I got him. Coming down.

Saints preserve us, Sister Bertrille!

The ladder fell down. I'm afraid it's broke.

Looks like you'll have to figure out another way down.

Oh, that-- That's okay.

I don't need the ladder.

That's what I figured.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille, would you come up here a minute, please?

Not you other two girls.

I'll take your picture down there.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Oh, yeah.

Sister Bertrille,

would you be standing over here leaning on the railing?

I want to take your picture against this darling background.

Oh, well, it may be a darling background,

but the sun is right smack dab in your lens.

Well, that's what I want to photograph, the sun.

Well, you're going to need a filter for that.

I better see if I can get you one.

Help!

Help!

Father! Oh, my gosh!

Looks like the place is falling apart.

Yes, and I'm not in such good shape myself.

[CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Yes, sir, Mr. Ramirez,

I cashed the check for Mr. Barnes.

It's good, isn't it?

Good as gold.

Now what did Mr. Barnes buy with it?

Priest's habit.

A priest habit?

Now do you sell priest habits to laymen?

It's not for Mr. Barnes.

Oh, heavens no.

No, it is a present for a poor, ragged old priest.

Oh, a poor, ragged old priest.

I think I know him.

He's about the same size as Mr. Barnes, right?

Yes, isn't that wonderful?

Beautiful.

Despicable.

To turn the convent into a circus

just for the sake of a newspaper story?

Oh, I should have realized.

What shall we do?

Very simple. I'll strangle him.

Señor Ramirez!

Okay. I'll sh**t him.

Señor Ramirez, I am serious.

So am I.

Well, the least we can do is to have him arrested.

Do you really think that that is wise?

We might then receive the publicity

we have been trying to avoid.

Well, we cannot ignore it.

Where is he now?

And where is Sister Bertrille?

Wait. They're together, I believe.

She drove him into San Tanco to buy kites for the children.

To buy kites?

Whose idea was that?

I-I-- I think it was Father--

Mr. Barnes. It figures.

Kites.

Now he will say, Sister Bertrille,

before we get back to the convent,

why don't we try the kites to see if they will fly?

They will try them out. She will run.

The kites will fly, and so will she.

Click, click, click.

[♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

Sister Bertrille, we've been swindled.

These kites, they're defective.

Oh, well, they can't be.

They're Super Apollo s.

Bought them for children, not astronauts.

Well, maybe you better let me have a go at it.

Well, if you insist.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Oh, good grief!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little kite trouble.

Father Flaherty wanted to send it back,

but I said for him to let me try and fly it, and I did.

And you went up with the kite.

And I went up with the...

Well, Father Flaherty was the only one that saw me fly.

Why are you all looking at me like that?

Father Flaherty isn't Father Flaherty.

Beautiful, Father.

If you hadn't told me they were fakes,

I would have sworn they were actual pictures

of a nun really flying. Heh, heh.

Yeah, we both know that's impossible, don't we, boy?

It's been nice doing business with you.

And I do appreciate that nice discount you gave me.

That's your rate for clergyman.

Anytime. [CHUCKLES]

May the wind always be at your back.

Yeah. Hello.

Here I am, waiting like a leprechaun on a toadstool,

as Father Devlinaugh used to say.

Did he now? Oh, yes, he did indeed.

Ah, how did your pictures come out?

Well, I'm not a photographer.

They're not at all professional.

Not at all. Not at all.

Oh, the pity of it.

And all the trouble you went to.

How about the pictures of me flying?

Well, just fair to middlin'.

Well, it's no wonder.

mean, I was only up in the sky a couple of moments.

And I didn't do any stunts or anything.

Stunts?

Yes, you know, uh, slow rolls,

Immelmanns, loop-de-loops.

You should see me buzz the convent.

I practically scrape the tar off the roofs. Just swoop.

Do you now?

Oh, I do indeed.

Would you like to get some pictures of me in action?

You'd pose for me?

Well, why not? We're friends, aren't we?

Oh... But there's only one condition.

What would that be?

If the pictures come out well,

I'd like to send a couple of 'em to my family.

Of course, I'll pay for them.

No. It would be my pleasure, Sister.

Oh, well, may the little people reward you

for your generosity, Father Flaherty.

[♪♪♪]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

JACQUELINE: The good Father's camera went clickety click,

and so did Sister Bertrille's brain.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

And may a cushion of shamrocks

ease the rocky road of life for you.

JACQUELINE: And what her brain came up with was so delightfully despicable,

Machiavelli must have turned over in his grave.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] Okay, good. Great one. Uh-huh.

Hold it. Another one.

Okay. Uh, Sister Sixto, get in. Okay. Uh-huh.

Hold it. Hold it. Go high with the hand.

Great one. Oh, wonderful.

Okay, Reverend Mother. You're next. Okay.

Okay.

Wonderful. Okay. Face this way.

Okay, Reeves.

Take a look at these pictures,

and then start bidding for them.

I'm really going to enjoy this.

I've enjoyed it. So what else is new?

Talk about jaded.

These are authentic pictures of a nun flying.

They're worth a fortune. Authentic, are they?

Well, here are some just about as authentic.

And I got them for free.

Let me read you the letter that came with it.

Dear Mr. Reeves,

you may find the enclosed photographs of some interest.

They were easy to do by superimposing the subjects

against a painted backdrop.

But your former employee, Mr. Roy Barnes,

took a number of similar ones.

And for some reason,

he seemed to be under the impression

that you would be willing to pay a great deal of money for them.

Nevertheless, please accept these with my compliments.

Yours sincerely, signed Sister Bertrille.

You know, Barnes, with your imagination,

how come you can't even finish one lousy book?

Well, I had to come back and tell you

that maybe I did a rotten thing.

But I'm a newspaper man, and I was after a story.

And you're nuns.

You're supposed to behave like decent humans.

Mr. Barnes, do you qualify as an expert on decency?

I'm a newspaper man, and she's news.

Well, I'm censored.

And I'm finished, because of you.

I'm sorry. BARNES: You're sorry?

I've got a sick wife and two small children.

I figured maybe a story about you with pictures,

and I'd get my job back, maybe even a bonus.

But you've turned me into the biggest liar

since Baron Munchausen.

Well, I give up.

Sorry I blew my top.

Mr. Barnes, would you mind

waiting outside for a few moments?

Anything you say, Sister.

Reverend Mother, he's right. I'm a freak.

No, Sister Bertrille.

You are a nun who possesses an unusual talent.

Which would make a very good news story.

I mean, Reverend Mother, how can you blame him?

Just because he impersonated a priest?

Well, newspaper men win Pulitzer prizes

for impersonating dope addicts and gangsters.

Sister Bertrille,

we scarcely represent the underworld element.

No, but we still put the finger on him.

I think I have to go to Miami and tell Mr. Reeves the truth.

Do you understand what you are saying?

Yes. But it's the only thing left to do.

And Mr. Barnes was only doing his job.

I can't ruin his life just to protect my own.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS] Very well.

Will you come in, please, Mr. Barnes?

Sister Bertrille has expressed a desire to go to Miami

in order to corroborate your story.

Sister! One moment, please.

She will do this, even though she knows

that the resulting publicity

will mean the end of her life here.

She will fly for your Mr. Reeves,

then she will go into seclusion,

and she will never use this very special gift of hers again.

You mean, she's willing to do this for me?

For you and for your family.

Sister Bertrille...

...we shall miss you very much.

And I believe that you will miss us too.

Sorry, Sister.

Not a chance.

You see, I've always believed

in doing anything that had to be done

in order to get story.

And that includes lying.

Well, the biggest lie I ever told

was that sob story I gave you about the wife and kiddies.

I'm a bachelor.

Mr. Barnes!

My apologies, Reverend Mother.

This time, I really mean it.

Sister Bertrille, now I know why you can fly.

You're an angel.

Well, adios,ladies,

and thank you for teaching me something about myself

I never knew.

I'm not as big a heel as I always thought I was.

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES] [EXHALES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Come in. [KEYS CLACKING]

Hi.

Shh.

How have you been? You look marvelous.

Oh, thank you very much.

Coffee?

No, thank you. I'm flying.

[LAUGHS]

Page ?

Uh-huh. Oh, that's fantastic!

Sent the first two chapters in to the publisher.

Gave me a big, fat advance.

He loves it. Oh, wow!

Well, you haven't told me

what it's about yet.

You wouldn't believe it.

Well, I'll believe it. Honest.

No, I'll send you an autographed copy

when it's published. How's that?

Fine.

Couldn't you just give me one teensy little hint?

Okay. I'll let you look at the title page.

Okay, okay.

The Flying Nun by Roy Barnes?

I don't believe it.

Oh, don't say that.

Because if you don't, who will?

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]