[BARKING]
SISTER JACQUELINE: When Sister Bertrille goes shopping in the station wagon,
the children love to go with her.
It's the nearest thing they've got to a roller coaster.
This one particular day,
Sister Bertrille added another thrill.
A crime wave.
[SIREN WAILING]
A fire engine, Marcello. We better pull over.
Where's the fire?
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Where's the fire? That's what we wanted to know.
Oh, forgive me. Heh.
I didn't realize it was you, Sister.
Oh, well, what's okay, Juarez. Uh, did I do anything wrong?
Oh, it was nothing.
Well, a red light.
But normally at this time of day, it is green. Heh.
Good day, Sister. Thank you.
Oh, would you light a candle for me, Sister, please?
Today, I propose to my Dolores.
Well, you're as good as married.
And thank you for not giving me a ticket.
Oh. Good day, Sister. Bye.
That was crime one. Crime two came soon after.
Oh, no.
I forgot to put a nickel in the meter.
Don't worry. He won't give you a ticket.
Oh, yes, he will.
[♪♪♪]
See.
Marcello, you've just learned a very important lesson,
that policemen are your friends.
[♪♪♪]
"Policemen, do not put coins in meter."
Sister Bertrille, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a priest,
so I don't have to obey the law either.
It wasn't long before the San Tanco Bonnie and Clyde
committed crime three.
Where's my car?
There it is.
[♪♪♪]
SISTER BERTRILLE: Oh.
Juarez, why are you moving my car?
Because it's easier than moving the hydrant.
He won't give you a ticket.
Marcello, it's about time you learn
that nuns and priests and everyone else
have to obey the law just like everyone else.
I guess you want my driver's license
to give me the ticket.
You have to give me a ticket. A ticket? Simply because
someone put a fire hydrant too close to your car? Nah.
I think Marcello is losing faith in the law.
You just have to give me a ticket,
or he may start off in a life of crime.
But a ticket?
Heh, why--?
Oh, please, don't make me do this terrible thing, Sister.
It's for Marcello's benefit.
Here's my driver's license.
You just have to.
All right, Sister.
[♪♪♪]
Is that for you? Yeah.
Are you giving a ticket to Sister Bertrille?
SISTER BERTRILLE: It's okay, Carlos. I asked him to.
It is not okay.
My casino was robbed of $,
and the police, the police are giving ticket to nuns!
Well, this-- No, no! [CROWD CLAMORING]
Wait a minute. This is important!
This is important. This may be the most important ticket
that Juarez has ever written.
Thank you. Look at that!
[CLAMORING CONTINUES]
[♪♪♪]
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sometimes I think how lucky it is
that Sister Bertrille is not a Girl Scout.
The world just couldn't stand it
if she tried to do a good deed every day.
Okay, here's $.
I would like a convent on Boardwalk, thank you.
Here's two more.
I would like a temple on Marvin Gardens.
You're covering all bases. Yeah.
Sisters.
It's unfortunate that this is not real money.
We could use some of it to pay the fine.
Oh. I didn't think about that cost.
I am more worried about the publicity.
I would not want people to think
that our Sisters go about breaking traffic laws.
Who's gonna talk about a little traffic ticket?
Sure. They have the casino robbery to talk about.
Yes, I suppose so.
And I even invited Marcello
to go along with me to court tomorrow.
And you don't think getting a traffic ticket was enough?
No. He's gotta learn the lesson. He has to see it all.
The whole magnificent process of justice.
The arrest, the trial, the conviction.
Wait a minute. You're not going to the stake.
Don't underestimate her, Sister Jacqueline.
She may yet.
[LAUGHS]
Who's turn? SISTER BERTRILLE: Yours.
Oh, I forgot.
I was supposed to light a candle for Juarez,
the man who gave me the ticket. He's proposing tonight.
Well, if he needs you to light a candle, he's in trouble.
I'll bet you are proud of yourself.
If you would just tell me what I did wrong.
Oh, you don't know what you did wrong?
No, I swear it.
Then you haven't listened to the : news
or the : news.
Or the "we interrupt this program
for a special bulletin" news.
You haven't got off of your big, fat motorcycle
to hear what everybody is talking about.
I was only going to ask you to marry me.
Marry you?
Marry you?
A man who would give a nun a ticket?
Ah. So that's it.
Were they expecting a fire? Did they need a hydrant?
No, no, no, but-- The cruelty, the meanness.
I should have run the day I met you.
I didn't want to give her the ticket.
Oh. She held a g*n in your back.
"I'll k*ll you if you don't give me a ticket."
She asked me to give her the ticket. Asked.
Not only did everybody in San Tanco
know about the ticket, everybody wanted to pay it.
I wonder... maybe crime does pay.
Boy, we've gotten more money than the whole annual drive.
Ha-ha. From now on, we'll just send you out in the car.
Oh, wow. These letters really flip me out. Listen.
"Dear Sister Bertrille, allow me the honor to pay your ticket.
In the law, everyone is equal,
but nuns should be more than equal."
Sisters.
I am not pleased with all these contributions.
We are, in effect, being paid for breaking the law.
Well, that's not why they sent the money.
It's what's in their heart.
And that's love. Heh.
"Sister Bertrille, I am surprised
the fuzz had the guts to arrest a nun.
She must be very old and feeble.
And don't worry about these bills.
They can't be traced."
[CLEARS THROAT]
"If you are ever arrested again, go limp."
[CHUCKLING]
"Don't worry about anything.
We plan to have pickets at that fascistacity hall.
Oh, Reverend Mother, you see,
it's the thing today, involvement.
Sorry, Sister.
Reverend Mother. Have you seen this?
The mayor would like an audience.
Apparently, he has one. How are you, Mayor Calderon?
Not well. Not well at all.
I have always been a good mayor, have I not?
You have been an excellent mayor.
And I have been a good friend to the convent?
Indeed. Reverent Mother,
did I not, as a young man,
at the risk of my life, paint the church steeple?
Oh, I heard about that.
You painted it from the bottom up.
Exactly. And then you had to wait
up there three days for the paint to dry.
What are you trying to do to me?
REVEREND MOTHER: Mayor Calderon, I do not understand.
I am running for reelection.
When people see this, I am ruined.
Ruined.
Here. Read it. See what you have done.
"People who were born under the sign of Leo--"
No. This. The editorial.
Oh. Here it is.
It says, "Mayor Calderon has finally begun
his much-awaited crackdown on crime."
Well, that's good so far. Read.
Read.
Uh, "Casino Carlos was robbed Thursday,
and already the mayor's police have acted swiftly
and dramatically."
Hey, this should be worth a lot of votes.
Uh, for your opponents.
"They have arrested a nun.
It's a question who is the bigger idiot, the mayor
or the nephew he appointed to the police force."
Is Juarez your nephew?
Yes.
Is there anything I can do?
The judge who will hear your case this afternoon,
he's also running on my ticket.
Please, do nothing to embarrass him.
Oh, well, I'll just explain-- No.
[WHIMPERS]
Please. What do you want me to do?
Is it possible in this order
to take the vow of silence?
[♪♪♪]
Sister Bertrille, I bet the judge will not give you a fine.
Oh, yes, he will. I have my rights.
If he gives you a fine, he will be all washed up.
Nonsense.
I got it from friends.
Oh, stop being such a legal eagle.
You'll see.
[WHISPERS] Good news.
You will be out in two minutes.
Two minutes? Shh.
If the judge fines you, he's washed up.
I've got it from friends.
JUDGE: Twenty dollars or two days.
[GAVEL BANGS]
Next case. That's me.
Good luck. Thank you.
[WHISPERS] Don't be nervous. Okay.
The matter of the parking ticket.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes.
Sister Bertrille, the court deeply regrets
this unfortunate ticket.
Told you. It is the court's pleasure,
however, to dismiss the charges and--
Oh, well, you can't. Mm?
A nun has to obey the law just like everyone else.
Of course.
But there are always these circumstances
that can extenuate.
The red line by the hydrant
in front of Casino Carlos, for instance.
Yes? Gone.
The red is gone.
Washed away, they say, by the tears of gamblers.
Is this not so?
Well, actually, I didn't notice.
Of course.
Who can see a practically nonexistent line?
And at : in the morning,
with the sun blazing down on your eyes.
No, Sister. You have committed no crime.
And I therefore find you--
Well, judge, Your Honor, you're being very sweet.
But I am guilty.
Guilty. Unh.
You leave me no alternative, Sister.
I fine you $ or two days.
Oh, thank you. However,
since this is your first offense,
I hereby suspend the sentence.
Oh, well, you can't. This is my third offense in one day.
The third? Unh.
In that case, I am not permitted to suspend sentence.
Oh. I fine you $,
which it is my great privilege to pay on your behalf.
That's very nice of you, Your Honor,
but unless you do it for everyone,
you can't do it for me.
[GROANS]
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
A fanatic.
But not everyone is a nun!
Very well. In what may be this court's last act,
I order you to pay a $ fine to the bailiff.
Oh, thank you very much, Your Honor.
You've just done an important thing for our youth.
And, um, some of the other people too.
You've given them the chance to see
justice is the same for everyone.
Oh, good idea.
Equal justice.
Well...
What happens if you can't pay?
Two days in jail.
Thank you very much, Your Honor.
You see, Marcello, justice triumphs.
Jail?!
She was railroaded.
[♪♪♪]
I hope you are comfortable.
Oh, yes, this is fine.
Could I leave a call for
Five a.m.?
Yes, for my morning devotions.
Oh, of course.
I'll ring the general alarm.
[ROSITA GARGLING]
Hoo. Anyone home?
ROSITA: Yes, me. Make yourself at home.
Oh.
That's mine. You get the penthouse.
The penthouse?
The top bunk.
Oh. Heh-heh.
You're putting me on.
[SIGHS]
No. I'm Sister Bertrille.
I'm Rosita. Nice to meet you.
What are you in for?
Uh, parking ticket.
They put a nun in jail for a parking ticket?
Well, I know it sounds wild.
Well, what do you like best,
the gourmet food, the view, the beautiful decor
or maybe the company?
Oh, the company is okay.
I don't think you are a nun.
I think you're put here by the police.
They think, "Ah, I will dress a spy as a nun,
and maybe Rosita will confess to her." Hmm?
Oh, no, you don't confess to nuns, only to priests.
I don't confess to nobody.
Not since they discovered the Fifth Amendment.
Got a cigarette? [CHUCKLES]
No. I-- I don't smoke. I'm a nun.
Um, what are you in for? If it's okay if I ask.
I'm here because I always fall for the wrong type of men.
Uh, "possible accessory," they call it.
Somehow all the men I want, the FBI also wants.
You mean you're here just because of the company you keep?
Mm. This time the company was keeping me.
But you didn't do anything. Mm-mm. Nothing.
They think my boyfriend is involved
in the Casino Carlos robbery.
Oh, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't rob
a man like Carlos, such a nice man.
He gives so much bread to the--
Money to the convent. Mm-hm.
You know something? What?
You don't even sound like a nun.
Oh. That's what the Reverend Mother keeps saying.
A nun. Look at you. Your robe doesn't even fit.
You're an insult to my intelligence.
Ah. Okay.
I'm not a nun, but I am a nun,
and I'm a prisoner just like you are.
[ALARM BELL BLARING]
Isn't it a little early for vespers?
Vespers?
All right. Keep up the nun talk,
but that's for recess. Recess?
We are as upset as you are, Judge Portillo.
With due respect, Reverend Mother,
are they hissing you in the streets?
Can youlose an election?
Can you be stripped of yourrobes?
I beg your pardon.
A policeman, a mayor and now a judge.
How can one lone nun ruin three men
with her first parking ticket?
Beginner's luck. Heh.
I think perhaps it is time we called a press conference.
Perfect. They will believe you.
Not me, Judge Portillo. Sister Bertrille.
Sister Jacqueline,
I, uh, wonder if she can receive phone calls.
[♪♪♪]
This is the recreation yard.
For excitement, you watch the dirt blow by.
Well, maybe we could ask the guard
for a softball or something.
This is a jail, not a reform school.
Well, if I'm gonna be rehabilitated
I've gotta have fun. Maybe we could play a game
of tic-tac-toe or hopscotch.
You got a piece of chalk? No chalk allowed.
You should read what prisoners write on those walls.
Oh. Well, we've gotta think of something.
How about a game of tag?
Just leave me alone, huh?
Oh, Rosita, if we're roomies, we ought to be friends.
Sorry, a lady cop is not my idea of a friend.
Rosita! Rosita!
[EXCLAIMS]
[♪♪♪]
Where is Sister Bertrille? She's wanted on the phone.
Back there.
Back where? There. I--
She was there a second ago.
Don't tell me she...
Escaped? Escaped?
Escaped?! Escaped?
Escaped!
[ALARM WAILING]
They think I've escaped!
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[♪♪♪]
Tell us how she escaped and you will have a big reward.
I have influence. My brother is the judge.
I will tell you nothing. Only this.
She is magnificent.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It is you.
Looks like you missed me.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Forgive me for doubting you.
Oh, that's okay.
Oh, it was a beautiful escape.
You will go down in criminal history.
Thank you.
There's only one thing I don't understand.
Why did you come back? You were free.
If that's free, you can have it.
Sirens, dogs, people hunting for you.
Oh, two, three days, it would all blow over.
I'd still be running. As long as you're running,
you're not free. You know, you're right.
All my life, I've been running.
And I've never felt free.
Well, you can change.
[♪♪♪]
If I tell you something, will you help me?
I know where the money is that was stolen from Casino Carlos.
You do? My boyfriend told me.
Perhaps if we give the money back,
the authorities will not be harsh.
Well, I-- I can almost guarantee it.
Where is it?
In the bottom of the well of the old Don Feliz ranch.
Okay. What are you going to do?
Stand by for Operation Jailbreak.
Warden!
Warden!
What is it, Sister?
Well, I guess this is awful nervy,
but could I go back into the courtyard again?
Courtyard?
Why do you want to go out in the courtyard?
Well, I feel sort of nervous all cooped up in here.
Nervous? Yes, I'm starting to break out.
In that case, what harm can it do?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hello. Juarez? This is Sister Bertrille.
Leave me in peace, Sister. Please.
Listen, I have important news for you.
No, please, Sister. I am, this very second,
writing my resignation from the police.
Well, you can't resign from the police.
You just got engaged. She returned the ring.
I still have the bruise.
Well, you still have to pay the rent.
No, the landlord threw me out.
Well, you still have to eat.
I am afraid of being poisoned.
I will always be the policeman who gave the nun the ticket.
Listen, Juarez, I know where the loot
from the Casino Carlos robbery is.
Of course you do. Listen, Juarez.
I got you into this mess. I'm gonna get you out of it.
Now, meet me at the old deserted Don Feliz ranch.
And if you still want to resign,
then bring a pen that writes underwater.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
Oh! You did it.
You did it, Juarez. You did it.
You solved the casino robbery.
[CHUCKLES] Oh!
Gentlemen, we have called this press conference today
because we wish the public to understand the reason
why Sister Bertrille was arrested.
Sister Bertrille.
Well, we have a bigger story.
There is no bigger story. This one is.
Officer Juarez has solved the casino robbery.
Crimes are solved every day.
But a nun gets a ticket, a nun gets put in jail,
a nun escapes from jail.
That the people want to hear about.
Well, it all sort of ties together.
Uh, when they put me in the cell, it was with Rosita,
the lady who told me where the money was.
First she thought I was planted there by the police.
Planted by the police? Yes, you know, a stool pigeon.
Until I escaped.
Planted by the police, of course.
It's clever. It's so clear now.
What is? Well, the police found a pretext
to give you a ticket,
the judge found a way to put you in jail,
and the crowning ingenuity was to have you escape.
How brilliant your police work. The imagination, courage.
You risked your careers.
Sister Bertrille,
when was the first time they come to you with this scheme?
Well...
Well, I'm sorry, but I have to take the Fifth.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Heh. One, two, three, four, five, six...
Two dollars, please. Mm-hm. Oh.
So Rosita got a pardon.
And a new boyfriend. Mm.
I'm so glad we found that money. Mm-hm.
Uh, excuse me, Sisters. I, uh... Oh.
I wanted personally to invite you to my wedding.
Oh. Congratulations. Oh.
Thank you.
You will be there? Of course.
And we don't even have to worry about finding something to wear.
No, but we have a bigger worry.
Bigger worry? Don't catch the bridal bouquet.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, we'll be there with bells on.
Thank you, Sisters.Goodbye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Aw. My turn.
Yeah, it's your turn. [WHISTLES]
ALL: One, two, three.
Community Chest. Mm...
Mm-hm.
What is it?
Get out of jail free.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
["THE FLYING NUN" THEME PLAYS]