03x13 - The New Carlos

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Diane, my darling.

If you must leave me,

even if only for a few days,

let's make tonight a night we'll both remember.

The warm afterglow of our love...

Carlos, you just got to do something about--

Uh-- Sorry.

I'm sorry, Diane.

A certain nun has just kicked in my door again.

Uh, yes. Later.

Later?

Okay. Bye.

I assume you wanted to see me.

Oh. Yes.

I wanted to thank you

for letting us use your convertible.

Don't mention it.

Well, I wish I didn't have to.

What happened to the car? You know, I have this idea

for organizing a group of-- What happened to the car?

Why do you keep asking the same questions all the time?

Because you keep not answering the same question all the time.

What happened to the car?

Well, it's a little hard to explain.

I'm not a mechanic, you know. What happened to the car?

Well, you know Señor Vega and his big stupid trucks go:

[MIMICKING WHIRRING] The cement mixer.

Yes, cement mixer.

You hit a cement mixer. With my car?

Of course not. What kind of driver do you think I am?

Go on. Well, anyway, there was this big

stupid truck on the road going around and around,

all full of wet cement, blocking the traffic.

There wasn't a driver in cab or to be seen anywhere,

so I got into the cab hoping to move it.

Well, I... Don't tell me.

You dumped a load of wet cement onto the road, right?

You're almost percent right.

Some of it landed on the road.

But most of it landed on your car.

[PHONE RINGS]

Your telephone's ringing. Yeah.

Would you please answer it? And if it is Diane,

would you please tell her that I will call her back

when I get out of the hospital.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: While Carlos was in traction,

Sister Bertrille's latest brainchild

was alive and kicking.

We called it the San Tanco Dads.

A group of men who would donate their time once a week

to play father to our orphaned boys.

There's Señor Ortiz.

He owns the baseball team. And most of our children

want to be ball players when they grow up.

Yes, that's true. Señor Ortiz. Very good.

How about Carlos Ramirez?

Just one minute, please. Uh...

Sister Jacqueline, what do you think

of Hector Tadesco?

Well, isn't he a Protestant?True.

But his swimming pool is nondenominational.

Hector Tadesco. By all means.

Is my minute up yet?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, yes.

Señor Ramirez.

Yes. Well, Carlos always comes through for us

And usually wound up on the critical list.

He's still in the hospital, remember?

Yes, and I think it is time that we went

to a new well for our water.

He'd be offended if we didn't asked him.

Sister Bertrille, if you will review

your relationship with Señor Ramirez,

I think you will discover

that you have taken advantage of Señor Ramirez.

Oh. Name one time.

The time you almost sank his yacht

when you took the children

on an outing. Name one more time.

The time the casino was robbed because you talked Carlos

into using his counting room

to look for old coins. Name another time.

The time he spent three days in jail.

I give up. You're right. Every time I get near him,

they raise his insurance premium.

Indeed.

Well, I think, Señor Ramirez

has suffered enough at our hands.

Sister Bertrille, our not inviting him

to join the San Tanco Dads will be a true act of mercy.

You're right. I won't ask him.

Oh.

Wait until she asks me. Just wait.

Ask you what? Anything.

Leave that on there.

Ooh. I'm sorry. I meant to have that removed

while you were in the hospital. I'm glad you didn't.

This way will help to remind me to avoid Sister Bertrille

for the rest of my life.

Ooh.

Don't touch me.

Have ever tried composing a speech while in traction?

Hmm.

I can't say that I ever have.

It's not easy.

But I got it memorized by now.

And I can't wait to deliver it.

To whom? To Sister Bertrille.

I am telling her off once and for all.

Listen. Si--

Sister Bertrille.

You are basically a fine person.

And I know that your intentions are always good.

Heh. You call that telling her off?

That's just the beginning.

But then I'm gonna say:

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

You can't talk like that to Sister Bertrille.

[IN ENGLISH] Of course not.

It's in Spanish.

But just wait until I get it translated.

NARRATOR: Carlos' chance to demolish Sister Bertrille

came the following day when both of them

had to go to the airport.

Sister Bertrille was meeting

a visiting cousin, while Carlos was--

Well, he was being Carlos.

Even with a bad back.

MAN [OVER PA]: Flight number

may now board at gate Number .

Oh, that's me, angel. Oh.

Every time you leave me, Diane, I die a little.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, did I hit you? I am sorry, darling.

Well, it was worth it.

I will count the hours until you return.

Oh.

I will count the minutes.

Oh. Every second will be an eternity.

Adiós.

Ooh. Carlos.

Hi. How are you?

Heh. Terrific. In a few weeks,

I might even be able to tie my own shoelace.

Oh. REGINA: Hey. Hello.

Hi. Sister Bertrille...

Carlos I'd like you to meet-- Don't interrupt.

Sister Bertrille-- Carlos, I'd like--

Sister Bertrille.

You are basically a fine person,

and I know that your intentions are always good.

However-- Thank you very much, Carlos.

However-- I'd like you to meet my cousin,

Regina Atwater, from Boston.

This is Carlos Ramirez. However--

Oh, your cousin, huh?

How do you do?

Much, much better. Thank you.

And how was your trip?

Oh, dull, but it's starting to pick up.

Uh, I'm sorry, we can't stay and chat,

but I'm double parked. We'll have to run. Bye-bye.

Listen. What?

I'm gonna drop you off at your hotel then run.

The San Tanco Dads are taking our kids

to a baseball game. I'm the committee in charge of popcorn.

He's attractive, isn't he?

BERTRILLE: Well, I guess he's attractive.

You're welcome to come along with us

if you can stand a whole afternoon of baseball.

Baseball.

Of course, we will have with us some

of the most prominent, dark, handsome,

charming young businessman of San Tanco working with us.

I adore baseball.

A baseball game?

Since when is Roberto going to baseball games?

When he comes back would you please--?

Oh, never mind. Thank you. He just walked in.

I'm sorry, boss, but Dolf hit a double with two out

and two on in the last of the ninth when--

The game had to go to-- Who cares?

Would please take off that silly looking hat?

You know how kids are at the baseball game.

How are they?

You went to a baseball game with kids?

From San Tanco.

Hey, I'm a San Tanco Dad. A what?

A San Tanco Dad. That's--

It's kind of like a parents-teachers association

for the orphaned kids at the convent.

How come they have a parent-teacher association

at a school for orphans?

Who needs parents more than orphans?

And when did all this happen? While you were in the hospital.

Maybe that's why Sister Bertrille

didn't ask you to join.

Sister Bertrille didn't ask me to join

because even she doesn't have that much nerve.

Well, I think I'll change and go to work.

Fine. Oh, Roberto.

Unh. Uh...

Who else was at the baseball game,

besides the kids?

Morales, Ortez, Bernarde.

Why them?

Why not--?

Never mind. It's none of your business.

There was a girl there too.

Phew. Real beauty.

What was her name?

Uh, Regina...

Atwater.

Atwater.

She's Sister Bertrille's cousin.

I know. I know. [PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Hi, Carlos. How are you?

Oh, Sister Bertrille. Ahem.

You want to know how I am.

I will tell you how I am.

Sister Bertrille, you are basically a fine person,

and I know that--

I beg your pardon?

What did you say?

She wants to talk to you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Sister.

Yes, Sister. It's my pleasure.

I assure you.

Hello. Sister Bertrille, I--

Hello?

What did she say? San Tanco Dads are going

to have a picnic for the kids on Tuesday.

Roberto, I approve of you

becoming a public-spirited citizen,

but you have a job here.

Go to picnics on your day off. Tuesday is my day off.

Then go to the picnic. I don't care where you go.

NARRATOR: But he certainly cared where Sister Bertrille went.

And he made it his business to run in to her accidentally.

On purpose.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

The San Tanco Dads fish fry?

That's right.

How's your lovely cousin?

Very busy.

Sister Bertrille, you are basically--

Carlos, have you ever noticed the reproachful expression

on some of the fishes' faces?

No.

Sister Bertrille-- Well, look at it.

Look.

[♪♪♪]

Well, this is because fish, it's being exposed

to man's inhumanity towards them.

Sister Bertrille...

you are basically a nice person.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sister.

That's okay.

There.

Thank you. Oh.

STD.

That's San Tanco Dads.

You might as well take it with you.

You're asking me to--?

It's for Roberto.

If you don't mind giving it to him.

No, no, I don't mind.

Well, Carlos, I've been meaning to ask you--

[COUGHING]

Sister Jacqueline.

You should do something for that cough.

What were you saying?

What were we talking about?

The San Tanco Dads.

I think you're about to tell Carlos

how well they're doing.

In fact, there's a list of men waiting to get in.

Oh, I see.

Well, goodbye.

Bye.

Bye.

[♪♪♪]

You almost did it again.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks for stopping me.

I wouldn't wanna get him involved.

I hope he appreciates it.

[♪♪♪]

Roberto.What?

Do you know why the Sister haven't asked me

to be a San Tanco Dad?

You know why? Why?

Because they don't like me.

They don't like me at all.

[♪♪♪]

No. I am a selfish, rotten human being

and everybody knows it.

You're not a selfish, rotten human being.

I am a selfish, rotten human being.

Don't contradict me.

Okay. You're a selfish, rotten human being.

See? Everybody knows it.

Only a selfish, rotten human being like me

could've yelled at poor Sister Bertrille.

After she poured wet cement on your car,

she deserve to be yelled at. Why?

The car was insured.

No. The Sisters are ashamed of me.

And I don't blame them a bit.

If they're so ashamed of you,

why do they take your money? Oh, believe me,

if weren't because of the orphans at the convent,

they will throw the money back in my face.

How come I blame them?

What kind of a man will wear clothes like this?

What's wrong with your clothes?

Everything.

And I have a wardrobe in there

that would fill a whole caravan of gypsies.

Roberto, do you think at my age it's too late to change?

Change? Change what?

Everything.

My image, my way of living.

I would like to be the kind of man

that will attract a girl like Miss Regina Atwater.

The kind of man that the Sisters will be proud of.

NARRATOR: When it came to changing images,

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde were Victorian drop-outs

compared with our Carlos.

"Ramirez makes speech to Rotary Club."

What did he talk about?

The odds against filling an inside straight?

No, he did minutes

on the spiritual rewards of philanthropy.

What?

Listen to this.

"Ramirez wins election.

New president of chamber of commerce."

He must have won it in a black jack game.

"He won it by campaigning for traffic lights

in front of schools and churches."

It says right here.

[♪♪♪]

Will you look at this? Hmm?

"Miss Regina Atwater of Boston,

attending the opera accompanied by Mr. Carlos Ramirez."

I just can't believe it. Don't you know

what your cousin's up to? I'm not my cousin's keeper.

When she checked into the hotel

I told her to have a ball and don't worry about me.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Well, she's certainly taken your advice.

Who is that? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, it could be the duke and duchess of Wimbledon,

but I think it's Carlos and Regina.

[♪♪♪]

Hello there.

Hello. Hello.

Well, are you having a good time?

Smashing.

Where did you get that?

Oh, I had it flown in from London.

I am donating my old wardrobe

to the convent bazaar, Sister Jacqueline.

Thanks. I think.

Well, we are off for a day of bird-watching.

Bird-watching?

Today was a toss-up

between bird-watching

and Degas retrospective at the museum.

But probably we'll catch that tomorrow.

Probably. It looks like you're having

a mad, mad whirl, all right.

Would you like to join us?

Are you out--?

I mean, no. Duties and things to do.

Another time perhaps.

Oh, yes. Perhaps, perhaps.

Listen, you two have a marvelous time.

Thank you, Sister.

Well, ta-ta.

Oh.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

That was Carlos, wasn't it?

Cool Carlos, the former San Tanco's swinger.

What happened to him? I'm not sure.

But I think he's been pasteurized.

Sister Bertrille, was that not Señor Ramirez with your cousin?

Well, yes. They went bird-watching.

Bird-watching?

How do you account

for the remarkable change in him?

Well, my guess is surgery.

I think he's had a prefrontal lobotomy.

At least.

And you do not approve

of the change? Oh, no. I think it's wonderful.

I mean, he's president of the chamber of commerce,

a patron of the opera, a bird-watcher.

Gee, the old Carlos was a lot more fun.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh. Clarita.

It was great fun.

But it was just one of those things.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Please sit down. Thank you.

What are you doing? Unloading my inventory.

Rosita. Lots of laughs.

But it was never really meaningful.

Carlos, you wanted to see me.

Yes. First, I would like to know

if my behavior these past weeks meets with your approval.

Never mind me, but what does your psychiatrist think?

Oh, I don't need a psychiatrist to teach me right from wrong.

Now, as the sole representative of your family in San Tanco,

I thought it only courteous to talk to you first. You agree?

What are we talking about? Your cousin Regina, of course.

Well, I don't like to talk about her behind her back.

Oh, no. You don't understand.

Sister Bertrille, would you do me the honor

of becoming my cousin-in-law?

You wanna marry her?

If she'll have me.

Heh. This is a put-on, right?

[CHUCKLES] You doubt my sincerity.

The old Carlos would be offended.

The new Carlos is not.

Well...

Carlos, this is so sudden.

Oh, come on. I'm not proposing to you.

Do you love her? What kind of question is that?

A very simple question that deserves a yes or no answer.

I don't think you know each other well enough.

I changed permanently.

And as for love, I've been in love so many times

that it will take a computer to keep track.

I respect her, and that's far more important.

It is?

Certainly.

And I hope I earned her respect too.

What else do two people need?

Well, there's-- If you're afraid

that I might move to Boston permanently,

I assure you that I'm going to send the checks

to the convent regularly.

Oh, Carlos. I don't care about the checks.

I care about you. Why, you'd freeze in Boston.

And I'm not just talking about the climate.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

May I come in? Hi.

What a delightful surprise.

Well, I guess I'd better be leaving.

Must you? Yes, I must.

Oh. Well, I'll see you back at the convent.

Right.

Goodbye, Carlos. Good luck.

Thank you, Sister.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, well...

Goodbye, Carlos.Goodbye.

Goodbye?

Is this any way to start a conversation?

Well, I'm taking an evening plane to Rio.

Oh, no, you can't. Well, why not?

I've got my bag, my ticket, my passport.

No. What I mean is you mustn't.

Regina, normally I would speak to your father first,

but since I can't...

Would you do me the honor becoming my bride?

So, what you'd say?

Well, I said no, of course. You did?

It's not the first proposal I've rejected.

It won't be the last, I hope.

Don't you wanna get married?Sure.

Look, Carlos is the same stuffy establishment type

that I've been turning down since I was a debutant.

Hey, I will admit I thought he was different

the day you introduced him to me at the airport.

But that only proves my womanly intuition is a huge flop.

Regina, I think I should tell you

that the real Carlos isn't--

Look, I don't have time to talk.

I'll write you from Rio, okay? But, Regina--

You know, they tell me that Rio is literally crawling

with authentic hot-blooded swinging Latin guys.

Now...

Don't worry about Carlos.

He will not k*ll himself.

Goodbye, love.

k*ll himself?

ROBERTO: I've tried to stop him,

but he rushed out and jumped into his car.

Sister, he must have been doing

before he left the parking lot.

Which way was he going? Towards the beach.

Thanks.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Carlos! Carlos, come back!

Regina is not worth it.

Carlos!

Hey. Would you please stop yelling?

Carlos. I was so worried.

I was afraid you'd done something desperate.

Oh, no, no. I just came here alone to think things through.

Oh. Well, I can understand that.

But you have to promise not to do anything foolish.

Sister, that would be cowardly.

But I appreciate your concern.

Now if you leave me alone

so I can be just with my thoughts.

Oh, of course.

Last one in is a rotten--

Oh. Hello, Sister.

Hi, Diane.

Carlos, you haven't changed a bit.

Thank heavens.

And the only reason I ignored you

was because Reverend Mother said

we were taking advantage of you.

I thought you were mad at me because I was such a sinner.

If it weren't for sinners like you

nuns like me would be out of business.

[CHUCKLES] Will you two please excuse me?

I am Episcopalian. Oh.

Bye-bye. Bye.

I'll be right with you, honey.

Then you're not ashamed of me?

Well, maybe just a little bit. No one's perfect.

[CHUCKLES] Are we friends?

Friends.

Oh, good.

Then as a friend I'd like to ask you

to join the San Tanco Dads. The San Tanco Dads?

Sister Bertrille...

Sister Bertrille, I thought you'd never ask.

[CHUCKLES]

Good. Then you better get dressed

because the barbecue is in minutes.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille, you are basically a fine person,

and I know that your intentions are--

[♪♪♪]