03x18 - The Dumbest Kid in School

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKING]

NARRATOR: History tells us that as boys,

George Washington chopped down cherry trees,

Shakespeare ran away from home,

and young Albert Einstein flunked math.

By these standards, we are raising in our orphanage

a boy who will be the world's greatest man.

his name is... Joey!

Where did you get that terrible arrow?

It's a street sign!

I'll put it back before rush hour.

NARRATOR: A certain songwriter described Joey pretty well.

He may have been a headache but he never was a bore.

SIXTO: All right, who's the wiseguy here?

[KIDS GIGGLING]

NARRATOR: The long arm of Joey reached everywhere.

San Tanco won't soon forget

the day I drove the bishop to the airport.

People are staring.

Could it be we have a flat tire?

Oh, maybe I'd better take a look.

NARRATOR: It didn't take a handwriting expert

to know the author was Joey.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, by the way, has anybody heard from Sister Bertrille?

Oh, yes, we have a lovely card from Brooklyn this morning.

She's really enjoying her parents' anniversary.

This way, Señor.

Excuse me, Reverend Mother. This is Señor Sanders.

He would like to see you.

How do you do, Reverend Mother? Mr. Sanders.

This is Sister Ana, Sister Jacqueline,

Sister Jacqueline. Sister Sixto.

Sister Sixto. Hi.

Forgive my saying so,

but you're much younger than my Reverend Mother.

Y-your Reverend Mother?

Yes, I was here for years. As an orphan.

Oh.

And it hasn't changed. It really hasn't.

Saint Thomas. Does he still cover a cr*ck?

Yes, he does.

The big cr*ck in the kitchen,

is that still covered by Saint Joseph?

No. It got much bigger.

We had to use The Last Supper.

Another thing back here I remember. This was...

my Reverend Mother's rocking chair.

She used to rock in this every evening after supper.

As a matter of fact, we all had a saying. If she got up,

we'd say, "Look out, Reverend Mother's off her rocker."

You ever heard that before?

Yesterday.

When I was adopted,

my new parents took me to Arizona,

and I worked on a ranch there for years,

Oh, were you a cow pincher?

Cow puncher. He wouldn't punch 'em.

I did a lot of things. But today I'm a stockbroker.

I'm kind of a-- I'm kind of a lucky stockbroker.

We're always delight to hear

of the success of one of our orphans.

SANDERS: Reverend Mother, I would like to do unto others

as they did unto me.

I want to adopt one of your orphans.

And that's about it.

We have the ranch, we have a few horses,

and all we need is a child.

Would you prefer a boy or a girl?

Uh, that really doesn't matter much, Reverend Mother.

Well, we have many wonderful children.

I imagine that with the ranch,

you would prefer a outdoor type.

See, there's Francisco.

Hmm, he might be a bit bookish.

Then there's Martin. He might be just right. Then--

Reverend Mother, I think I can save you a lot of time.

I want to adopt

the dumbest kid in school.

I beg your pardon?

I want to adopt the dumbest kid in school

Mr. Sanders, we have many bright children.

Do I understand that you wish to choose your child

solely on the basis of low marks?

I know this sounds crazy,

but that's what I want, Reverend Mother.

I want to adopt the dumbest kid in school.

First of all, Mr. Sanders,

we do not have a dumbest child.

Reverend Mother, there has to be.

At every school, there was a smartest child and a dumbest.

Well, we have some children who do not learn

quite as quickly as others. But that can change.

We call them "underachievers."

Who is the most under of your underachievers?

Joseph. I'll take him.

Wait a minute, please.

[STAMMERS] You cannot adopt a child the way you'd buy a head of cattle.

Of course not. I know you'll want some character references.

I can give you those. Eventually, yes, that's true.

But Mr. Sanders, this is a highly unusual request.

Please tell me why you wish to adopt

the child with the lowest marks.

Because he's the one who needs adopting most.

I see. Well, there is something in that.

There is a lot in that, Reverend Mother. I know.

How do you know, Mr. Sanders?

Because I was the dumbest.

The most underachieved of any child in this convent.

And I just got adopted by the skin of my teeth.

A boy like Joseph, he might not make it.

That's true. However,

you cannot adopt a child blindfolded.

Suppose you don't like Joseph?

Is he a rebel? [CHUCKLES] Yes.

A problem? Uh-huh.

A fighter? Ach.

I'll like him. When can I see him?

Tomorrow.

I would like to talk to him today and prepare him.

Mr. Sanders, I suggest that you take him

out on an outing and get to know him.

Fine. I'll take him on a picnic. Good.

Excuse me, Reverend Mother. Yes, Sister Jacqueline?

Guess who was washing the car

and decided to teach himself how to drive?

Joseph. The San Tanco Andy Granatelli.

How's he doing?

Last seen, he was heading

down the convent driveway.

That's my boy. Until tomorrow, Mr. Sanders.

Will you please excuse us?

Sister Jacqueline and I must go on highway patrol.

[♪♪♪]

I've heard of the Headless Horseman but this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna be punished.

Joseph, you are incorrigible.

I didn't go fast. I kept the brakes on.

You could be arrested for driving without a license.

You could be arrested for driving without a head.

Joseph, what are we going to do with you?

You could make me sweep the cellar.

Or write something times.

Yes, I shall think about that.

Sister Jacqueline, would you excuse us,

please, for a few moments?

Certainly.

[♪♪♪]

Joseph, there is a man

who is very interested in meeting you.

Is he from the police? No.

Reform school? No, Joseph.

He is just a very nice gentleman

who is looking for a boy to adopt.

Me? Why would he want to adopt me?

You are a very interesting boy, Joseph.

But I get in a lot of trouble.

He could be a cop. You know, in plain clothes.

No, Joseph.

He is a stockbroker from Arizona.

And he wants to take you on a picnic tomorrow.

Suppose he doesn't like me?

[SCOFFS] I'm sure he'll like you. And, uh, we'll say a prayer.

Suppose hedoesn't like me?

I'm sure he will like you.

And, uh, he usually answers a boy's prayers.

He answers, but sometimes he answers, "no."

Can I talk about this to my friend, Carlos Ramirez?

Yes, I, uh, I think that can be arranged.

Carlos, can I talk to you for a minute?

You're already talking to me. How are you, Joey?

I have a big problem. Can you help me?

Sure. I'm just trying to fix this stupid machine.

It's out of order.

[SIGHS]

[MACHINE CRANKS]

[COINS CLATTER]

You see? It's still out of order.

Now, what's your problem?

I might get adopted. Good!

That calls for a lemonade. Come here.

Tomorrow, the man is taking me on a picnic.

If he likes me, he'll adopt me.

I'm delighted for you.

I'm scared.

Why? Picnic is nothing.

I've never been on one of those picnics.

They always say, "Joey, what a fine-looking boy.

We'll have to go on a picnic together."

But they never take me. Why not?

They go in the Reverend Mother's office and look at the records.

Soon as they see mine, they decide

to go on a picnic with some other boy.

The kind they'd like to adopt.

This man never saw your records? I don't think so.

If he knew about me he wouldn't take me on a picnic.

Oh, come on. Of course he would. He wouldn't.

How could I get him to like me so much

he won't look at the records?

Let me see. Well, there he's

proud of a boy who has good manners.

Uh, "Yes, please." "No, thank you."

Sit in a proper way.

Uh, "After you, sir."

A father doesn't like to hear things like:

"Joey ran across my lawn"

or "Joey put molasses on my cat."

Remember that?

Or "Joey is about to spill the drink on my carpet."

My advice on this picnic is, whatever you want to do,

don't do it. Okay, I'll be an angel.

Okay, sit like an angel.

But there's also the dumbness.

What dumbness?

You know, I'm not very smart.

CARLOS: You know what makes a man think another man is smart?

JOEY: When he's got a good report card?

No. When you talk about him.

What kind of work does he do?

He's a...stockbroker, whatever that is.

Stockbroker, huh?

Well, you have to learn everything about stockbrokers.

Can you teach me? Of course.

A stockbroker is a man who...

Let me give you an example.

Uh, let's say you want to buy General Motors.

You can buy a general? No, uh...

Think of a company as a big pie, right?

Now, anybody who wants to can buy a slice of that pie.

That's what the stockbroker sells.

He sells pies?

No. Let me explain to you another way. Umm...

Let's go to the library.

[♪♪♪]

Is this him? Well, either that,

or somebody got lost from the San Juan road race.

Morning, sisters. Morning. Hi.

Hi.

Mr. Sanders, this is Joey. Hi, Joey.

Morning, Mr. Sanders. I'm very pleased to meet you.

Ready to go picnic? I've been studying all night.

I'm all set, sir.

I'll tell you what, Joey. Let's try something.

Why don't you take this side, all right?

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Go ahead, start it up.

It's in neutral. It's all right.

It's too dangerous, sir. I don't have a driver's license.

All right. Now, if I remember correctly, there was a shortcut

right through this gate, right on down to the lake.

But look, "Private property, no trespassing."

[COW MOOS LOUDLY] Well, yeah, but I mean...

Joey, it's a three-mile hike the other way to the lake.

I don't mind. It's better than breaking the law.

Okay. Okay, we won't trespass.

One of these finky cows just might squeal on us, right?

I gotta tell ya, you better be hungry.

Here.

Ah.

What's the matter? Why don't you dig in?

We haven't said grace, sir.

Grace? For a hero sandwich?

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

Amen.

All right.

[♪♪♪]

Did you just say mass?

There's a lot to give thanks for, sir.

Speaking of the stock market-- What?

Reverend Mother told me you're in the stock market.

That's right, I am.

I was so happy. I like the stock market

even better than geography.

I'm not sure I believe that, Joey.

Do you think high-yield municipals

will prompt preferred stocks into a decline?

Wait a minute. What do you know about high-yield municipals?

High-yield municipals are the darlings of mutual funds.

You're sure of that?

In this industry, it's a bigger write-off for plant expansion.

All right.

That's all. Let's go swimming.

Swimming? Yeah, I like that

even better than the stock market.

That's encouraging. You take this bush, I'll take that one.

Tell me when you're out of the dressing room.

[♪♪♪]

We can't go. Why can't we go?

We just ate.

We didn't eat anything

that won't float. Now, come on, Joey.

Okay, but Reverend Mother's gonna be awful mad at me

if I drown. You won't drown. Now, come on.

Good. I just wanted to make sure.

That's better. Now, last one in is a rotten egg.

I just remembered, sir.

[SIGHS] What'd you just remember, Joey?

I don't have a bathing suit.

What do you need a bathing suit for?

Sir, I hope you don't think that I'm the kind of boy

who would go swimming without a bathing suit.

I guess you're not that kind of a boy, are you?

I guess you're really not.

Thank you, sir.

[SIGHS]

Saint Joey, that's what you should call him.

Joseph is a long ways from being a saint.

And I have had the headaches to prove it.

I don't skinny dip, I don't trespass, and those manners.

Reverend Mother, I'll bet he eats chewing gum

with a Kn*fe and fork.

This does not sound like Joseph.

If he is dumb, Reverend Mother, then you're running

the Princeton Institute for Advanced Science.

Mr. Sanders, I will show you his report card.

No need to show me his report card, really.

Look, Joey just doesn't need me.

He's fine. He's going to be president of the United States.

Or pope.

Mr. Sanders, I would like you to give him another chance.

Please, take him on another picnic.

Reverend Mother, I don't follow you. A boy is what he is.

Perhaps not. Something has changed Joseph.

The last person to talk to him was Señor Rami--

Just one moment, please. Uh, don't go away.

[GROANS]

Señor Ramirez? Reverend Mother Placido.

Quite well, thank you, yes. How are you?

Eh, Señor Ramirez,

Joseph called on you to tell you

that he might be adopted, right?

Would you mind telling me what you told him?

NARRATOR: Reverend Mother and Mr. Sanders agreed

that there should be one more chance

to see the real Joey.

This time, it was a camping trip.

You look like a regular Little Lord Fountainblue.

Almost ready, Joseph?

Almost.Good.

Let me look at you.

[GIGGLES] Oh.

You know what? You're going to need a warm jacket.

Come on.

Here you are.

There.

How's that, sisters? SIXTO: Very camp.

I'll say one thing: it's Joey. Exactly.

Oh, Joey, don't forget your Bible.

And for some lighter reading material, take these.

Thanks. And out there

with all the birds and animals,

you need your St. Francis medal.

And perhaps you should take this in honor of Arizona.

Sisters, don't you think it would be courteous

to be downstairs to greet Mr. Sanders?

Oh, yes, have fun. Oh, yes, Reverend Mother.

Joey, you look tired. Have you been studying?

Yes, very hard.

[STAMMERS] About the market? Yes.

Boy, do I know a lot about debentures,

whatever they are. Joseph, I do not think

that Mr. Sanders cares if you know about debentures.

But that's why he likes me. He thinks I'm smart.

[SIGHS] Joseph, all you have to do is just be yourself.

But when I'm myself I'm bad.

You're not bad. You're just, uhh...

You're a boy.

But when I'm a boy, you know what happens.

Everyone gets mad.

Joseph,

when a father comes home from the stock market,

he does not want to talk about stocks to his son.

He doesn't? What does he wanna do?

He wants to play.

He wants to play jokes and have fun,

and he wants to talk about things like, uh,

about comic books, and about slingshots,

and skinny dipping.

[GIGGLES] And he wants to talk about, umm, lizards.

You sure? Mm-hm, cross my heart.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, toro! Toro, toro.

Hey, toro!

[GIGGLES]

[♪♪♪]

Joey, don't stand up!

Get your marshmallow out of my marshmallow.

It's just-- It's like the desert.

Big old big wonderful Arizona desert.

Can I have a camel?

[LAUGHS] "A camel..."

I haven't seen a lot of camels lately.

Would you settle for a pinto pony?

I'd settle for anything.

You know, being adopted is better than being born.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I have to say, of all the boys in the world,

this important man picked me.

Now, I guess-- Heh, heh.

I'm proud enough to pop. But I'll miss the convent.

The convent'll miss you too,

you know, the bottomless cereal boxes--

You knew about that? Yeah.

The one I like best, though,

is the "Just Married" sign on the bishop's car.

Who told you these things?

The Reverend Mother.

She's a good press agent.

Why would she tell those things

to a man who might adopt me?

Don't worry. I know all about you.

I know about the bad grades,

the problems you had. The stock market?

That had me fooled.

I admit, you're a pretty good actor.

If you knew bad things about me, why did you pick me?

Well, it's just ego, I guess. I suppose I wanted a...

kid like me, chip off the old block.

Someone like you? Oh, you must've been smart.

You must've won all the prizes.

Me, smart?

Joey...

I was the dumbest kid in school.

The dumbest kid in school?

Yep. Now I understand.

What? You asked Reverend Mother

for the dumbest kid in school.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Uh, now, it wasn't-- Hey.

What kind of boy did you ask for?

Let me see if I can think of the exact word.

You said the word "dumbest."

[STAMMERS] Joey. Hey, Joey!

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Yes? Come in.

Reverend Mother, I have to talk to you, please.

Mr. Sanders, what happened? It's Joey. He ran away.

When he was gonna be adopted?

It's something I said. I've looked everywhere for him.

Eh, have you looked behind you?

Joey, where were you?

I hitched a ride back.

I never wanna ride in your car again.

Joseph, what happened?

I never wanna talk to you again either.

You told him I was the dumbest kid in school.

The dumbest kid in school?

No, wait a minute, I--

I said I was the dumbest kid in school.

[SIGHS] And I told him I wanted a boy just like me.

Oh.

Joseph, you must try

to forgive all of us.

I don't wanna forgive anybody.

You didn't care who I was. You just wanted the dumbest kid.

You didn't care anything about me.

Joey, I want to adopt you. I want you for my son.

Well, you can't have me.

Joey.

Now, he's not talking about a picnic.

He's talking about a whole adoption.

All my life, I'll know he picked me

just because I was dumb.

This has gotten out of hand.

I didn't mean it that way at all.

Maybe not, but I'd always feel it.

You can't adopt me while I'm the dumbest kid.

Joey, he doesn't care if you're the dumbest kid in school.

Why don't I keep my big mouth shut?

Sir, I'm gonna be the smartest kid in school.

Then, if you wanna adopt me, okay. Okay?

[SIGHS]

Okay.

You're the smartest head in this group already.

[♪♪♪]

Ouch! What's the matter?

Oh, I think I need a thumble.

Thumble? Oh, you mean, "thimble."

No, it was my thumb.

Pardon me, sisters, I've written a letter to Mr. Sanders.

Can you check it for mistakes? Sure.

Let's see. Um, "Dear Mr. Sanders,

I told you I was going to be the smartest kid in school.

Well, guess what? I didn't make it."

Aww.

"But I am doing fine.

A lot of kids want to copy my homework,

which is a great honor.

Uh, here is my report card.

I got D in geography

but you should've seen last month."

Now, let's see, "I would've got A in social studies

if it hadn't been for President Nixon.

If he had been born in Minnesota,

I would've made it."

That was Hubert Humphrey.

He didn't make it either.

"There are kids who are dumber than I am.

So if you want to adopt me, I guess it's okay.

Love, Joey." That's a beautiful letter, Joey.

Are there any mistakes? No.

But what is this,

"if you want to adopt me, I guess it's okay"?

How cool can you get?

Don't you want him to adopt you? Yes.

But it's not so important any more.

Why not? Because I'm not

the dumbest kid in school anymore.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]