03x19 - Man’s Best Friend Isn’t

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

[♪♪♪]

JACQUELINE: Sister Ana is very good with a mop.

We all are.

Because practice makes perfect.

And the plumbing at our little Convent of San Tanco

give us a lot of practice.

This latest disaster,

a flood that would've sent Noah scurrying to build another ark,

had necessitated the services of a plumber.

Thank you, Tiger.

Ah!

Rust.

Rust and more rust.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Larusa,

but if you tell us how to clean it,

we'll give it some elbow grease.

Uh-huh. Remove the rust.

What do you think holds the pipes up?

I always thought it was prayer.

Well, if you believe that, Sister,

then pray for some new materials.

With new materials, I could do wonders here.

Well, you can only do so much praying in one day.

Heh. I too pray.

One big plumbing job is all I ask for.

There's a great deal of construction

going on in San Tanco. Right!

We're right in the middle of a housing bang.

Boom. Boom, bang,

whatever noise, we're in the middle of it.

For what it's worth, the owner of the casino

happens to be a friend of mine.

For real?

Well, most of the time.

I could put a good word in for you

in case he ever needs any plumbing.

"Ever." "Ever" is right this minute.

Well, how do you know? Oh. how do I know.

When you are in the plumbing world,

it is your business to know.

BERTRILLE: Why doesn't he get you?

Why doesn't he get me.

Why didn't they get van Gogh

until after he had passed away?

Believe me, I am the oldest unknown in the business.

And what a job I could do for him.

Sister, please, tell him to hire me.

I'll introduce you to him.

Ah, Sister, heaven will bless you.

JACQUELINE: As far as Felix was concerned,

heaven would bless Sister Bertrille.

Unfortunately, as it turned out,

Carlos wouldn't. [BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille, I'm thrilled

that you took time off from your heavenly duties

to worry about my plumbing. Oh, it was nothing.

Oh, you never come here for nothing.

And I appreciate your concern,

but I already have six other plumbing bids.

Then one more wouldn't hurt, would it?

I mean, the more, the merrier.

That's what they say. Yes.

That's what they say?

"The more the merrier"? Yes.

Okay, give me another plumbing bid.

Oh, there's an opening for you.

I think a bid like, um...

Uh, no, Sister, I must go down to look at the job.

Price is in terms of labor hours.

I think a bid like $ would sound good, don't you think?

Sister Bertrille,

you are bidding against last week's bakery bill.

Oh.

Maybe we ought to go look at the plumbing.

I think it would be a good idea.

Too bad you're not in the bakery business.

We could've had a deal, ha, ha!

I know I think hours...

Fifty...

Fifty-two hours, yes.

Mr. Ramirez, a complete job for $.

I think that sounds like a marvelous bid.

Yeah, it is a marvelous bid.

[CHUCKLES] Congratulations.

No, no. Hold it. Hold it.

I need some marvelous references

to go with this marvelous bid.

You've got it. To whom it may concern,

he is loyal, trustworthy, reverent, clean--

Then he'll make a great Boy Scout. [CHUCKLING]

Is he a plumber? Mr. Ramirez,

do these look like the hands of a violinist?

When I was years old,

I was apprentice to a master plumber.

Now, when I was ,

I single-handed installed a ladies' room

at the El Provencal Sardine Factory,

which is still standing after years.

You can inspect it any time.

Okay, we've got a deal.

Now, when I was --

We got a deal!

Oh, Mr. Ramirez, thank you so much!

You won't be sorry.

Tiger and I are going home to get rest.

Tomorrow morning, we'll be here

bright and early to do a fantastic job.

Oh, Sister...

...I am so grateful.

The next time I am at the convent,

in your honor, a new garbage disposal.

[SINGING QUIETLY]

Okay, where is this problem you want me to see?

Mr. Ramirez,

do you know anything about pipes?

No, should I?

Of course not. How many people know about pipes?

It is a delicate art.

Now, Mr. Ramirez, this is a very simple job,

and I could do it in no time.

But. But. I hope

it's a little "but." Ah, no.

I am afraid it's a big "but."

But what, Mr. Larusa?

You see, these are not standard pipes.

They're European.

Our gauges are in inches,

our threads are in inches,

but in European pipes, millimeters.

Okay, use millimeters.

I knew you would want that.

Therefore, I will go to Ponce, San Juan,

every town on the island to get the parts.

They are not stocked everywhere.

Okay, go, and hurry back.

Two, three days at the most.

Then you will take care of Tiger, hm?

What?

Mr. Ramirez,

I will be running around too much.

I cannot take a dog with me.

Mr. Larusa, I also run around a little.

I have no time to babysit with the dog.

As a matter of fact, I'm so busy,

I have no time to babysit

with the new brunette I have in my show upstairs.

Tell you what, you leave the dog,

get the parts you need, and get the job done.

Half the casino is already out of water.

Mr. Ramirez, if I do not get to

the warehouse in San Juan in a half hour,

we will lose a whole day.

Please, Tiger is no trouble.

Neither is the brunette. I have no time.

In minutes, the warehouses in San Juan will be closed.

Now, please, take the dog.

And try not to bother the man too much.

CARLOS: I talked, he walked.

BERTRILLE: Carlos, I'm so sorry.

CARLOS: Be sorry before you do something

so you will not do it.

I only brought him to you,

because I wanted to help. You are very helpful.

You're going to help the hair fall out of my head.

This time, it's different.

This time, I have it all worked out.

You have? Yes.

You are gonna babysit the dog.

Me? Or maybe the dog's gonna babysit with you.

You with the dog, the dog with you,

one way or the other, you two are gonna be very happy.

Carlos, I'm sorry, but I'm much too busy.

I mean, this is a convent.

Reverend Mother would never give permission.

She never gives permission to a thing like this.

I do not see why you cannot take care of that dog.

Sometimes she gives permission.

I'm sorry. This is one of the times.

I wish you wouldn't insist.

REVEREND MOTHER: Nonsense.

I heard just enough to know

that Señor Ramirez is not asking very much.

[WHIMPERING]

He's all yours. Please, Carlos.

Sister Bertrille, as our novice in charge of

sparrows with broken wings, expectant mother cats,

and limping caterpillars,

I'd think that you would enjoy this chore.

You see? And he's a nice dog.

Now, Señor Ramirez, if you have a few moments,

I would like you to see

how I put your last contribution to good use.

Thank you.

We heard him all the way from the common rooms.

What I can't understand is,

why are you so against this poor little dog?

He's right up your avenue.

My alley.

Alley, avenue, street,

whatever it is, he's right up.

BERTRILLE: I wish he'd find another alley.

Sister Bertrille, this is not like you.

I thought you were America's number one dog lover?

When it comes to dogs, I have...charisma.

He doesn't look like the fickle type.

That's what they said about Isabella.

Case history. When I was years old,

my cousin Andrea left her dog, Isabella, with me

when she took a trip.

When she got back, Isabella didn't even recognize her.

[WHIMPERS]

I mean, what if Tiger gets attached to me

and won't go back to Felix?

To tell you the truth, I might get attached to you,

because you're smarter than Isabella.

You know, my old dog, Isabella. I tried to remember her

like she was some genius dog or something.

She was really pretty stupid.

She just used to hang around.

She couldn't do tricks like you.

So please try to understand, it's nothing personal,

but no attachments.

Until Felix gets back, I'll just take care of you.

Oh! Oh! [WHINES]

Under different conditions,

I'd tell you what a very, very smart dog you are.

If circumstances were different,

I'd give you a big hug. I'd tell you-- I'd tell you

you are the best dog in the whole world

and that... [SNEEZES]

Oh! And don't say gesundheit.

I know how smart you are.

Get out of the dust. There.

Take that to the trash.

[TIGER WHIMPERING]

Well, thank you very much, my friend,

but this doesn't have any crumbs on it.

[WHINES]

[WHINING]

That dog is very much in love with you.

Oh, he's fond of me. Likes me.

Well, then he's very much in like with you.

You think he'll be in like with Felix?

Of course. When he hears his horn, he'll jump.

He'll start dancing. Won't you, boy?

[HORN HONKS]

FELIX: Good afternoon.

Children.

Tiger, you old dog you! Ha-ha-ha!

Well, I beg your pardon, children.

Sister, how are you this afternoon?

They told me he was here.

Come, my friend. [GROWLS]

Come to me, my boy. Come on.

[BARKS, GROWLS]

Tiger, it's me, Felix.

He's forgotten me again.

Two days. I've only been away two days.

Come to me, my friend. Come!

[TIGER WHIMPERING] Come on! Come on!

Cute dog. Yes.

Uh, why won't he come to me?

Perhaps he is, uh, a little angry with me.

[GROWLS] Uh, but we will fix that, huh?

A little hot cereal.

[GRUNTS] Yes.

Well, he's had hot cereal twice today.

Yes, well, then a good meat bone, huh.

Good meat bone, huh? Oh, I see.

Well, we will try to give him something he likes.

Yeah. Sister,

I appreciate your taking care of him.

You-- You do so much for me. Oh...

You have my eternal thanks.

It was nothing. No. Listen,

you are a very good person.

You deserve more than a garbage disposal.

In your honor, a new drainpipe too.

What do you think of that, Tiger?

A new drainpipe for Sister, huh?

Thank you again.

Twice today, huh, you got cereal, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

In you go. Attaboy.

[BARKS]

Hey! Tiger!

Tiger, come back.

Hey, Tiger!

Come back!

Hey!

[CHUCKLES] You are still upset with me, huh?

[GROWLS]

This was a business trip.

And mira,I-I didn't go off with a poodle.

Tiger, come on.

Be a good boy, huh?

That's a boy.

Every family has some problems.

JACQUELINE: We now had the strangest domestic triangle

in the recorded history of San Tanco.

And probably all of Puerto Rico.

A dog, a plumber, and a nun.

♪ Boom ba boom Ba boom, ba boom ♪

All right, Tiger, you sit right here.

Good boy, heh, heh.

Well, that is the last of them.

Oh, let me help you.

[GRUNTS]

Mr. Larusa, I know you said European pipes,

but did you have to go to Europe for them?

Uh, everyone is angry today, huh?

I was angry yesterday, and the day before that.

Yesterday I brought in another plumber

to see if he could fix this disaster.

Mr. Ramirez, I will fix everything.

I hope so.

He said he couldn't.

He said it would take him one year to figure out

what is connected to what and which is which.

Mr. Larusa, I gave you a job.

Finish it. I will finish it.

And I will work fast.

Me and Tiger.

Tiger.

T-Tiger?

Tiger?

Tiger?

Tiger? Tiger?

Finish! Finish!

This is not my idea of working fast.

Sister, excuse me.

I have looked all over for you.

Yeah.

I-- I called the casino

as soon as I found him here.

And I have searched everywhere,

even in the back of Garcia, the butcher.

He always goes there.

And then it came to me where he would be.

Tiger, you're a very bad dog.

No man has loved a dog more.

But something has happened.

I don't know what, but something has happened.

He does not even look at me.

He's your dog.

He'll always be your dog.

Aw, but he does not act like my dog.

Well, Felix, that's-- That's ridiculous.

I bet if we put him in the center of the room,

and you went to one side and I to the other,

and we both called him, he'd go right to you.

A beeline right to you.

Shall we try that, hmm?

I don't think so.

He is your dog.

My dog is not happy.

Yours is...happy.

Oh, for goodness' sakes.

I-- I don't want the dog.

I don't even like you. [WHINES]

Sister, you cannot lie to a dog.

Well, I'm trying.

Felix, this isn't fair to you.

Will you take your dog?

No, he's yours. He's yours.

Sister, I-- I confess, I-- I am a little upset now,

but, uh, I will be fine. I am the kind of man

who gets busy and forgets his troubles.

I have a wrench in my hand, and I am fine.

[♪♪♪]

Sister, now that he is your dog,

there are a couple of things you should know.

Give him kibble at least once a day.

It keeps his gums firm and prevents cavities.

And brush him before bedtime, hmm?

He loves it.

One hundred times.

Oh, and, uh, and--

And you will find that he is a fearless watchdog.

Not afraid of man or-- Or beast.

Well, not exactly true.

He's afraid of--

Well, it doesn't matter. He is young.

He will get over it. Get over what?

Sister, I-- I would rather not say.

Uh, you-- You will think it's sour grapes.

Well, uh...

Well...

...goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

Sister, excuse me.

One other suggestion.

Uh, don't ever leave town for two or three days.

[MUTTERING]

You seem to be very happy.

I'm happy you're happy.

I am working.

What more can a man want?

Plumbing that works.

I turn on the cold water in my office, steam came out.

What are you saying?

Mr. Ramirez, excuse me.

Mr. Larusa.

This is the hot water pipe

connected to the...

cold water pipe.

Now I know what you are saying.

I spent a fortune on a fountain.

The goddess Diana.

The water is supposed to come out of the vase she's holding,

like a jet. You fixed it.

I turn on the fountain,

the water comes dribbling down her cheeks.

Now that is impossible. Hm.

Mr. Ramirez? Mr. Larusa?

It is not impossible.

You see, when you connect the thin pipe to a thick pipe,

the pressure go:

And dribbling is not impossible.

This job is impossible.

You're supposed to be a plumber.

Plumb! I can't help it!

I tried to sing.

I tried to do good work.

But there are tears in my eyes,

and I cannot see what I am doing.

I can only work when I have Tiger to talk to.

Do you have anybody to talk to?

Talk to me.

You are not Tiger.

I will nibble on kibble!

Please, fix my plumbing!

I am trying! Look!

My hands, they work, but my mind does not work,

and I make mistakes.

Bad mistakes.

I connected into an electric outlet.

The lights will go out any minute, right?

Right.

You never saw such a mess.

But to tell you the truth,

I'm not worried about his destroying the casino anymore.

Now I'm worried that he's going to destroy

the whole of San Tanco.

Oh, that poor man.

His heart must be cracked.

Broken.

And it's all my fault.

Do you feel guilty about it? Good.

Then make up for it.

Give that man back his dog.

Well, he'll only run away again.

He's crazy about me.

Well, uncrazy him. Do something.

Sister Bertrille, you're supposed to be my friend.

Why couldn't you get a plumber who likes guppies?

Sister Bertrille, would you please take the dog back to him?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Ooh!

Tiger, you've caused a few problems.

You haven't been exactly fair.

There must be some way to make him not like me.

I do love you.

What you are doing now, isn't it.

Yeah.

Tiger, my friend...

enough is enough.

I can't let Carlos down.

I've been friends with him

longer than I have been with you.

And Felix.

Do you realize what you've done to Felix?

Yeah.

Well, that's it.

No more super-duper suppers for you anymore.

I'm going to get real tough.

No more huge portions.

No. Just enough food to keep you going

until you come to your senses, old boy.

And I'm going to start discipling you, my friend.

Remember the time you nibbled on the chair

in the common room, and I didn't do anything?

Well, from now on, real tough disciplining.

Yes. You've never felt one of my spankings, have you?

Well, I spank real good.

I'm better with a strap though.

I punish real good with a strap.

And no more walks either, like we're walking now.

Well, that's out. Shoo! Shoo!

Go find your own friends to walk with.

There's Felix, you know.

He likes to take walks.

And-- And he likes to play fetch too.

[WHINING] What is it?

Those are just some birds flying.

You're not afraid of things that fly, are you?

Oh...

So flying bothers you.

That's what Felix meant

when he said you weren't exactly fearless.

Well, you haven't seen anything yet.

Believe me, this is gonna hurt me

a lot more than it hurts you.

[♪♪♪]

[BARKING]

You think birds know how to buzz the ground, watch this.

This one ought to perk your ears up.

[WHIMPERING]

Go home! Shoo!

I will buy you a whole kennel.

You just put the pipes together.

The little pipes with the little pipes.

Big... The big pipes with the big pipes.

Big ones. Just fix up this mess!

How can a grown man go to pieces like this?

Why do you need a dog? Why...

Tropical fish are much easier.

You don't take them for walks.

You don't have to take them for sh*ts.

You give them a few worms, they are very happy.

I tell you one thing. Even without worms,

they are much happier than I am.

Well? Well, what?

Did you forget to ruin something?

Tiger, I told you it was just temporary.

What are you talking about?

He just ran.

Isn't he here?

What? Tiger came here?

I didn't see any dogs here.

I could've sworn he was gonna come here.

I lost him just a few blocks away.

You lost Tiger? He was headed in this direction.

I could have sworn he was coming here.

Wait. He's probably hiding.

You know he's afraid of me.

Why is he afraid of you now?

Well, I wouldn't know.

Tiger! Tiger, something has happened to my Tiger.

Tiger? Oh, Tiger. [WHIMPERS]

Tiger, I missed you. Oh.

A little bit.

BERTRILLE: See? I told you he belonged to you.

Oh, but he is trembling. He's so afraid of you.

How about that? But why?

Well, I think it's because he doesn't like some of my habits.

FELIX: What? Like how I fly--

Fly off the handle, heh.

Oh, you hollered at Tiger?

No, I didn't exactly holler.

There was these birds flying around,

and I thought maybe-- Say no more.

That is exactly what he is afraid of, birds.

BERTRILLE: Well, that's silly.

FELIX: Uh-huh. You reason with him.

That's a shame, because you see,

at the convent, we just love birds.

Hundreds of them come from miles around to feed on the lawns.

Would you please stop talking dogs,

and start talking plumbing?

Yes, Mr. Ramirez, absolutely.

Well, when I am finished with this,

it is going to be the Sistine Chapel of a sell.

Right now, I'd settle for hot and cold running water.

Right.

To work!

[SCREAMS] Oh, I'm so sorry!

Don't be sorry.

I asked for running water.

This is as*ault.

Yes, but...

So help me, never, never again.

You will have another pet, Sister Bertrille.

I don't know. You're like that.

If I see a grasshopper, I'm gonna look the other way.

Good morning, Mother.

Good morning, Mr. Larusa. Good morning, Sister.

Ah, good morning. Ha, ha!

Tiger. No, no, his brother.

With Tiger, I take no more chances.

I leave him at home.

And if not brother, cousins.

Anyway, he is for you.

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, please, Sister, how else can I thank you?

The work at the casino came out totally terrific,

and I have other work, all because of you.

So please...

Well... He is yours

as a token of my gratitude.

I-I'm sorry, Felix, but it's not allowed.

Not to live at the convent.

Reverend Mother wouldn't... Oh.

I wouldn't mind, Sister Bertrille.

That figures.

But I don't want a dog.

No offense, dog.

You see, especially this one.

He reminds me so much of Isabella,

except Isabella was a girl, and--

And this one is a boy.

Isabella was all black with a few white spots.

Uh, I think the convent has a dog.

[CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[♪♪♪]