05x16 - The Fast Women

[bunniefuu]

Normally, however good they are,

women drivers
lack the k*ller instinct

that makes a man risk his life
to be first past the chequered flag.

That is, unless the woman is
Cynthia Quillin, driving an Argus

and determined to win the Ladies
Trophy Race the day after tomorrow.

Or Teresa Montesino,
driving for Italy in a Bellini.

She too
is passionately determined to win.

So the race will be
a real jungle clash

between the world's
leading fast women.

What will you bet my darling wife
didn't do that on purpose?

Not a penny.

What are you trying to do, k*ll her?
She was making the pace, not me.

Cynthia, I saw it!
Where were you, on her lap?

This vendetta nonsense has got
to stop before somebody gets hurt.

Tell that to Teresa, darling.
Iwill!

Simon. Rumour has it
that you k*ll nasty people.

Doyou?
Do you have a victim in mind?

Teresa Montesino.

You can't be serious.
Of course I'm serious.

After all, you are
the unscrupulous Simon Templar.

Well, of course I'll win, darling.
I've the best car and I'm the best driver.

And you're so modest. What'll
you have?A large dry martini.

Don't look now, angel.
Your wife just came in.

Who cares?

Look at her.
Who?

Teresa Montesino. Warming up my
two-timing free-drinking husband

for another...qualifying lap.

Well, you must admit,
he has impeccable taste.

Oh, yes, that's my Godfrey.

Do you know how he became a top
racing driver?

By winning races.

Having a rich wife.

Are you very rich?
Loaded.

Buying sports cars for Godfrey
takes plenty.

Cheers.
Cheers.

We all throw away
our money on something.

Oh, yes. Godfrey's my bauble boy.

Is he?

Want to know something?
What?

I'm absolutely crazy about him.

Isn't that a laugh?
Idon'tthinkso.

Thank you. So you see
why I want to protect my investment

from that continental sports model
with a slippery clutch.

I'd give £, to see her dead.

Well, I can't believe you mean that.

Try me with a blank cheque and a
ballpoint pen.

I know you can't take it with you
but there's no need to throw it away.

Anyway, if Teresa's what you think
she is, why not buy her off?

I've got a better idea.

You take her away from Godfrey.

You don't have to be half trying.

All right. Introduce us.
Come on.

Cynthia. Hello, Simon.
Godfrey.

Simon, this little high-compression
job is Teresa Montesino.

A good friend of mine,
Simon Templar.

Miss Montesino.

I am delighted to meet you.

Isn't that nice?

Lovely, darling. You've
just won him. Come on, Godfrey.

Where?
Time to be a dutiful husband again.

We've got a dinner party, remember?

Oh, yes, I forgot.

I thought you had. Dull,
respectably married couple, sweetie.

Oh, how tedious for you,
Godfrey, darling.

Come and see us tomorrow
in the pits, Simon.Good.

Well, Miss Montesino, I have
got a marvellous idea.You have?

Mm-hm. Why don't we have
a dinner party of our own,

for disreputably unmarried couples?

And we won't invite anyone else.

You are a delicious man.

I like you more and more and more.

It's mutual.

Even though I find it hard
to believe you are a racing driver.

Oh, you think I need muscles
like a gorilla for driving?

All it takes is nerve.

And that you inherit
from your father.

Yes. You will meet him tomorrow.

Before he crashed and hurt his leg,

he was one of the greatest
racing drivers in the world.

You will come up for one more drink?

I'd love to, if you're not too tired.

Oh, I could not sleep.
I have too much on my mind.

Such as?

How I can k*ll Cynthia Quillin.

I cannot help it. I hate her.

Oh, Simon. Please.

Could you not be just a little more
interested in getting rid of her for me?

You are so clever.

You would not make
the mistakes like me.

Why do you hate her so?

I want to win the race.

And I want Godfrey all to myself.

Oh, I'm only thinking of the
kindest way to take him from her.

Not many girls would be so sensitive.

Oh, please, don't go. Help me.

All right.
After I've disposed of Cynthia

and Godfrey's inherited her money,

and you have married Godfrey,
what's in it for me?

We could...console ourselves,

until Godfrey met with an accident.

Well, I'm afraid
I'll have to think it over.

Thank you.

No.
Please.

Sorry.

You refuse to help?

I'm afraid so.
It's difficult but I do.

Why don't we put on track suits
and have a real workout?

Your bracelet, I believe.
Oooh!

Happy dreams.

Good day, sir.

I have a reservation. Karl Tordoff.

Oh, yes, sir. Will you sign, please?

You've come for the racing,
I expect.

The...? Oh, yes.

My room is where?
No., at the top of the stairs.

The price?
Three guineas, with breakfast.

And without breakfast?
It's inclusive.

Incredible.

No. I will take that.

This way, sir.

I think you'll be very comfortable
here, sir.Thank you.

Where there is a service charge
included, I do not also tip.

Thank you, sir.

Tordoff. Yes. When?

Do not worry.
She is as good as dead.

Yes. Car No..

So between the brandy and fighting
with dear Godfrey half the night,

I've an absolutely splitting
headache.

Can I get you something for it?
Thank you. I'll be all right.

Tell me, do you still get the
vibrations?

Never got over revs.

So how's the headache?
Absolutely splitting.

But Mrs Quillin,
the race is tomorrow.

We've got to get it fixed today.

Would you like me to take her out?
Oh, Simon, would you?

Can you find me a helmet?
Sure thing, Mr Templar.

Come on, boy!

Not that way! Over there!
Go on!

Go on.
Fetch it! Fetch it!

No, this way. Come on!

Paddy, you ever see
a burst like this before?Never.

How's the car?
Ah, she's great.

Thanks to your quick thinking.

I say, look.

That's funny.
What is?

Before I went into the skid,
I had the distinct impression...

Let's go back to the track.

I don't get it.

Could the hole in the tyre
have been made by a b*llet?

You mean somebody
took a sh*t at you?

From that direction.

Aha.

Somebody lay there.

That's pretty fancy marksmanship.
Yes but who'd want to k*ll you?

Dozens of people but it wasn't me
they were after. It was Cynthia Quillin.

So the question is,
who would want to k*ll her?

The Montesinos, maybe. She's
crazy to win the Ladies Trophy.

And Mrs Quillin's
the main competition.

. Magnum.

Someone wanted to k*ll me?!

My spin-off wasn't an accident.

Somebody, using a high-powered r*fle,
plugged the tyre.

It's incredible.

It's possible, though.

An expert sh*t
with a telescopic sight.

But who?

Who hates me
so much they want to see me dead?

That's what I want to know.

Let's face it, Simon.

I'm not the world's
most popular woman.

You're not thinking of Godfrey?!

Well, it had crossed my mind.

Dear boy, don't let those
little spats of ours mislead you.

In the crunch,

Godfrey comes running back to big
mama moneybags because he has to.

That strengthens his motive
rather than eliminating it.

If I peg out,
Godfrey's back on the breadline.

What about your will?

Under the terms
of my grandfather's estate,

when I die, unless we have children,

the money goes
to Cousin Bertie in Boston.

Then Cousin Bertie has a motive.

Cousin Bertie's so loaded

he wouldn't bend over
to pick up the national debt.

Then somebody else has a reason
for wanting you out of the way.

Yes.

And you know who.

Teresa.
Who else?

So if you should die,

Teresa will win
the Ladies Trophy race and Godfrey,

all in one fell swoop.

It's just bad luck, that's all.
Stop it.

If she'd been driving the car
instead of Templar, she'd be dead.

Take it easy.
Somebody will hear you.

Well, well.

Romeo and Juliet.

You know, Teresa, darling, I can't
understand what men see in you.

Ask Godfrey.
Come along, Teresa.

Sit down.Teresa and I
are going out to dinner together.

If you want me to buy that Maserati,
sit down.

I'll see you later.

All right, kiddies. Back
to the drinkies. The show's over.

That was a nice display, I must say.

You have an ingrained way
of treating women that disgusts me.

If you find me so repellent,
why did you marry me?Because I -

Oh, what's the use?
Come on. Let's have this out.

I married you because I loved you.

I always will.
Yeah

What business is it of yours
where I was at . this morning?

In a nutshell, someone took a sh*t at
Mrs Quillin.

You joke.

Not about things like that.

You know who do this?
Iwill.

When I find out
who has a real motive.

This motive.
You think I have it, huh?

Why not?

You're desperate to win the race.
And Cynthia is our only opposition.

You're quite right.
If Mrs Quillin win this race,

we not happy.In fact,
we will be broke. No more money.

So you hope that whoever
took the sh*t will try again.

Of course.

And succeed.

Double three. I win. Game sh*t.

Set 'em up, Paddy.
Pint of the best for me, lad.

It's a ruddy racket.

Two shillings, please, sir.
For one beer?

Bar prices.
It's extortionate.

Two pints, please.

I agree, it's shocking.
Hm?

The price of booze these days.

In a country like this,
nothing surprises me.

Down for the races?
As a spectator merely.

Pretty dull spot.
Off the course, I mean.

You amuse yourself.

Darts? Passes the time.

Have you ever played?
No.

Would you like to have a try?
What is the game?

Well, the first one
to score wins.

And the loser
pays for the round of drinks.

Would you like to have a go?
Yeah, what do I have to do?

Oh, it's simple, really.

You start and finish with a double,

between the wires
on the outer rim here,

and after that,
it's just arithmetic.

Would you like to have a go?
Mm-hm.

The little compartment
with the is right?

That's very good. Fire ahead.

I thought you never played before.

I haven't. Do I go on?

Yeah. You've two more darts.

You're... You're not the world
champion in disguise, are you?

I promise you,
I've never played before.

You've won six games in a row.
I thank you.

Are you... Are you sure you're not
the world champion?

Oh, quite sure.

Come on, then,
drink up your ill-gotten gains.

Oh, no, no, no. Only one.
I... must keep my hand steady.

But you can pay for the others
and I'll drink them later.

Mr Tordoff, telephone for you.

Oh. Excuse me, please.

In the booth, sir.
Hm.

Tordoff.

Yes, I know. I've just seen him.

No, I shall leave immediately.

A man like Simon Templar
is not to be taken lightly.

I'm afraid not one of my suspects is
good enough to hit a tyre at that distance.

So you're not getting anywhere?
Yousaidit.

Me neither.
I just lost six dart games in a row.

Who was the big winner?
That German wallah.

You passed him.
He'll be back in a second.

He must be good. Cheers.

Good?! I never saw
anything like him.

Absolutely fantastic marksmanship.

That Eric Von Stroheim character,
have you seen him?Tordoff.

Yes, he's in his room.
What number? .Thankyou.

Paddy, you'd better
go round the back.

And watch out, he could be dangerous.
Right.

Argh! Argh!

Argh!

Paddy! Are you all right?

He clobbered me.

Come on.

We're gaining.

Blast.

Well, that's that.
We'll never catch him now.

Let's see if we can pick
up the trail from the hotel.

But he can't have checked out.
He hasn't paid his bill.

What do you know about him?
Well, only his name. Tordoff.

Well, did he leave an address?

Just London.
Anybody come to see him?

Not that I know of.
Phonecalls?

Yes, yes. He did have a call
shortly after he arrived.

A man or a woman?
Oh, well, I can't remember.

I just didn't pay any attention
and we're full up for the racing.

Oh, wait a minute.
He made a call himself.

Here it is. To Brighton.

. I'll try it.

I ought to have known.

Nobody can throw darts that good
and be honest.

"Stage door. Hippodrome Theatre."

Paddy, you feel like seeing a show?

Have you got a pencil, Paddy?

Good evening.
Good evening.

Which is Maximillian's dressing room?

He doesn't see anybody.

I think you'll find he sees me.

Room .
Thankyou.

You'd better wait here.

Come.

Good evening.

Is it really?

You want something?

Some advice.
I know only my own business.

But you're so good at it.

On what do you want my advice?

In your professional opinion, would it
be possible for a cr*ck sh*t like you

to hit the tyre
of a racing car at yards?

What kind of a question is that?

Simple and to the point.

Your make-up's running. Here.

Seven years' bad luck, for a start.

Right, who are you, huh?

Who hired you?

Come on.

That car -
it belongs to Teresa Montesino.

Are you sure?
Positive.

Templar,
I want some straight answers.

Inspector, you've had them.

Do you seriously expect me to
believe that man tried to k*ll you today?

Believe it or not, it is true.

By sh**ting out a tyre
at a distance of yards?

yards and he didn't know
I was driving the car.

Yeah, he meant to k*ll
Cynthia Quillin

It's the craziest story
I ever heard in my life.

Inspector, all you know at the moment
is somebody fired a sh*t from that window.

You don't know
whether it was a man or a woman.

No, I don't.

So at the best,
you have a long job ahead of you,

tracking down Tordoff's background,
his associates,

trying to find somebody
with a motive.

Hm.

You heard the sh*t fired?

Yes.While you were waiting
at the stage door?

That's right.

A few moments later you saw
a car come out of the alleyway and drive off?Yes.

What make was it?

Did you recognise it?

No. I couldn't see.

Inspector, whoever sh*t Tordoff
did it to keep him quiet.

That I promise you.

The same k*ller will make another attempt on
Cynthia Quillin before tomorrow's race.

Well, the pride of the Irish.
Oh, good evening, Mack.

What are you doing up so late?
Oh, I've some work to do on the car.

I'll be making a cup of tea
later on. Would you like one?

Oh, that'd be fine, Mack, thanks.

Simon!

Don't tell me I woke you up.

But of course.
Do you know what time it is?

You've been in bed for hours?
Look, what is this?

Why are you here?

I couldn't wait to find out what you thought
about Maximillian's farewell performance.

What I thought about what?!

Your sharp-sh**ting,
Kn*fe-throwing friend, remember?

What are you talking about?

Brighton.
Brighton?!

Yes. You were there.

I was not.
Isawyou.

Oh, it's impossible.
Isit?

Yes. Because I was in bed
shortly after eight.

Tomorrow is the Ladies Trophy Race.

Oh, yes. And you have to be
needle-eyed and full of reflexes.

Simon, I do not know what you are
getting at but I have been asleep.

Did you loan your car to anybody?

No. It has been in the garage
all evening.

Not all evening.
The engine's still hot.

Somebody was driving it
less than ten minutes ago.

You mean somebody took it?
Imeanamanwasshottonight.

Oh, you are crazy. Out of your head.

The man you hired to k*ll Cynthia.

I cannot even take you seriously.

I am not the type to m*rder.

I am too...feminine.

So was Lucrezia Borgia.

Here's your tea, Paddy.

Hello, Godfrey.

Drinking alone?
By choice.

No Teresa?
She went to bed early.

Cynthia?I don't know
where she is and I don't care.

Time, gentlemen. Time.

The one thing I love
is an all-male evening.

Oh, who were you with?

Some of the boys
just popped in for a nightcap.

Thanks.

Hello?
No, is Mr Templar there, please?

Oh, just a moment.
I'll get him for you.

Mr Templar, there's a call for you.

Oh, thanks.
You'd better let me drive you home.

I'm as sober as a mule.

Thelma, don't you think so?

Whatever you say, Mr Quillin.

You know, Thelma,
you're a lovely girl.Thanks.

Some of these nights, we're going
to have some dinner together.

That was Paddy.
Cynthia's car has been sabotaged.

Was it a man or a woman?
I don't know, honestly.

Surely you must have seen something.

Look, I didn't even
get the lights on.

I stepped into the dark garage
and somebody coshed me.

The top axle nut's been loosened.

Surely that would have been
discovered before the race.

That's a routine check.
Doesn't make any sense.

Anything else wrong?
Not that I can find.

You said other cars
had been tampered with tonight?

Oh, Mack, that's the night watchman,
he's checking now.

So far, we've found six,
just with small things wrong.

It's completely crazy.
IncludingtheMontesinocar?

We couldn't get into their garage.
It's locked from the inside. Nobody answered.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

Have you been here all evening?

Of course I've been here
all evening. Why?

When the night watchman pounded
on your door a little while ago,

there was no reply.

I no hear it.

Very convenient.

What you say?

My leg, she hurt sometimes
in the damp weather.

I take sleeping pill.

Half a dozen cars
have been tampered with tonight.

Huh?

Sabotaged. But not yours.

Very lucky for you.

You make out I do something?!

Did you?

Listen... Listen.

I win fair and square.
I got better car. The best.

My Teresa, the best driver.
She should be, I teach her.

And I'm the greatest in the world.

Tomorrow, we will win.

PA: "Good afternoon. This is Anthony
Marsh, welcoming you to Brand's Hatch.

Now, the first event
is the International Ladies Trophy.

Before I give you..."

Inspector.
Hello, Templar.

Enjoying yourself?
Not particularly.

No sporting blood?

It all seems a bit pointless.

To me, a car is something
to get you from point A to point B.

Preferably in one piece.

How does that commentator
see everything?Hedoesn't.Eh?

There are observers stationed at
various points around the circuit.

They report to him and
he repeats what they tell him.

Fascinating.

By the way,
I thought over your phone call.

And?I need my head examining
but I'll go along with the plan.

It'll work, I promise.
It'd better.

Hold the best place you can
from the start

and don't worry about her, huh?
No, Papa.

She'll be trying
to make you burn out the engine.

You keep your best lap time
until I give you the signal.

Yes, Papa.

You are nervous, huh?
Very.

Oh, child.
It is not the end of the world.

You're just saying that.

If I lose,
it IS the end of the world.

Enrico. All set to win?

You'll see.
Simon. I looked for you all morning.

I slept in. Good luck.

Thank you.

She's tuned to the button.

You'll sweep the field.

Been over everything, Paddy?
From top to toe.

Any other mementos
from our midnight caller?

None of the cars were badly damaged.

The security boys think it was some
sort of crank, out to cause trouble.

An Italian crank,
about five foot four?

Lay off, will you, Cynthia?
You're obsessed about Teresa.

Coming from you,
Godfrey, darling, that's very funny.

If I stick to the plan,
I've a fair chance of winning.

Every chance.
I'm afraid I don't have a light.

Godfrey.
All right.

That's funny. I must have left
my lighter at home.

You don't have time, anyway. The
other cars are starting to warm up.

OK. To horse. I feel like
smashing a few records today.

Where were you all morning?

London.
Find out anything?

Plenty.

Well, boys, it won't be long now.

It certainly won't.

"Number six, Janet Morton in the brand new Horley.
A jolly fine effort for its first time out.

And now they're moving up
from the dummy grid."

"Cynthia Quillin's going ahead!"

"Cynthia Quillin and
Janet Morton are side by side!"

"Who's going to be first
into Druids?"

"There's another terrific scrap for
third place as they go up the hill."

"As they go out of our sight they're
very closely bunched together,

with the Argus and the Bellini
in front now.

And the others chopping
and changing all the time."

"At the end of the first lap, it's first Cynthia Quillin.
Number six Janet Morton's taken second place."

"Number three, Teresa Montesino's
been pushed back to third."

First lap, ..
Notbad.

She can do better.

"Number four Joan Stevens is in the pits already.
That's rotten luck to hit trouble so early in the race."

"The leaders
are now completing laps

and still this great battle
for the lead

between the Argus and the Bellini."

It does look as if the Italian car
has more power on the straights.

..
Can she keep that up?

If she does, something's got to go.

Either her or the car.

"There are the leaders,
going up to Druids again.

Teresa's trying to take
the lead on the inside!

Who's it going to be when
they come out from behind the trees?

Yes, she's done it!
Teresa's in the lead.

But there's no sign
of Cynthia Quillin.

No news yet of what's
happened to Cynthia.

It looks as if Teresa now
has the race in her pocket

if the Bellini lasts
without trouble. No-one else anywhere near her.

Here it is!
Yes, Cynthia went off at Druids.

The car rolled and caught fire.

No news of the driver yet but I'm
afraid the ambulance has gone out."

Congratulations, Godfrey,
you've pulled off the perfect m*rder.

Areyoucrazy?Life insurance,
wasn't it? £, worth?

I checked it out this morning.
Now, look here, Templar -

I'm complimenting you, Godfrey. You
were the mysterious intruder.Was I?

Sabotaged six cars, including Cynthia's,
so that nobody could point a sure finger at you.

What was it, the steering?
Something Paddy couldn't spot?

You'll have to prove it.
Ican't.Thecar'sburntout.

Exactly.So you've got rid of
all your problems in one afternoon.

You say that in public and I'll slap you with a
slander suit so fast you won't know what hit you.

Getouttheway,willyou?Godfrey,
this is Inspector Daws, CID.

Inspector.Mr Quillin, I'm arresting
you on suspicion of m*rder.

m*rder?! That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.

You hired Tordoff, the sharp sh**t.
He's talking rubbish.

He put a b*llet through the tyre of
Cynthia's car when I was driving it.

It was meant for her. You hired him.

I don't have to take this.
It's absolute drivel, all of it.

We can prove it.

How? By getting a dead man
to testify?

How do you know Tordoff's dead?

I...read it in the papers.
Ithasn'tbeeninthepapers.

Wekeptitquiet.You know
he's dead because you sh*t him.

Now I've heard everything!
Doyourecognisethis?

Er... Why...
It'syours,isn'tit?

Looks like mine.
Ithasyourinitialsonit.

All right, so it's mine. Why?
Wefounditoutsidethetheatre.

You dropped it
when you sh*t Tordoff.

I swear I was
nowhere near Brighton last night.

Brighton?
Who said anything about Brighton?

Did you read that in the papers?

I...guess Paddy must have told me.

Paddy?
What'shegottodowithit?

Well, he was there.

You know he was there
because you were there too.

Godfrey, dear boy,
let's face it. You have had it.

In spades.

No, Godfrey. I'm not dead.
I'm very much alive.

A neat trick with the commentator,
Inspector.

It took quite a bit of convincing

to get him to fake the report
of your crash.

Oh, Godfrey, about the lighter.

I lifted it from your dressing table
after you went to sleep last night. Sorry.

Don't let your grief overwhelm you.
I won't.

When Simon told me you hired that
gunman and tried to sabotage my car,

my burning passion for you
cooled very rapidly.

I should have k*lled you last night!
I nearly did!

All right, Quillin.

"Here's the leader coming
into the finishing straight now."

"Teresa Montesino wins."

I'm sorry you had to throw the race.

But she didn't win Godfrey.