05x21 - Simon and Delilah

[bunniefuu]

DIRECTOR: Azione.

SIMON: Hollywood is worried these
days about runaway productions,

worried about the exodus of American money
and American talent to make films abroad.

Films such as Roberto Vittorini's
Samson And Delilah.

However, there are those who think that the
farther Serena Harris runs away, the better.

They're garden shears! They're
useless!

Cut!They won't!

A $ million production and the
stinking, lousy scissors won't cut.

They cut me! Props.

Serena, this is Rome. It wasn't
built in a day. I'm sorry.

You should be! About this whole
ridiculous mess!

ASSISTANT: Props! Move that table
out!

Oh, who let you in?

I let myself in, as I do happen to
be your husband.

Well, you won't be for long. Out.

Out!

Poor old Herbert. It must be like
being married to a meat grinder.

Yeah, and he's her fourth... Fifth!

MAN: Signorina! Telefono. -Excuse
me a minute.

Sergio, we call it off.No.

I am afraid we get caught, maybe -
Shut up.

We do it...just like we planned.

What about him?

Nothing about him.

I'm not afraid of nobody.

Who is he, anyway? Simon Templar.

MAN: Mamma mia! Props!

David, you are a fine director, a big talent,
but with Serena you must be dolce... Gentle.

Gentle? I'd like to break her
blasted neck.

No, no, no, no, no. You must reason
with her.

You reason with her, Roberto. I have
had Serena Harris.

Hey, Dave. Think maybe First Aid
should have a look at this?

Mm, by all means. Have a transfusion
while you're about it.

You're the one that's always telling
me to keep fit.

Ooh.

Roberto.

Beth, cara.

Roberto Vittorini, my guest Mr Simon
Templar.

Ah, Mr Templar, by reputation I know
you most well.

Soon there is the break for lunch,
then we can talk to each other.

I'd be delighted. But right now I
have the little problem.

I quite understand.Scusi.

"Little problem"? I've done
publicity on Serena's last five pictures,

and now we are on her th fight.

Well, at least she's consistent.

Yeah... Consistently nasty.

Serena, my angel, listen to me.

Already on Delilah I've spent $
million.

It doesn't look it.

Scusi.

But we are, ooh, so much over
budget, and over schedule.

You're not blaming me?

Darling, no, you are magnifico.

But sometimes, in your striving
always for perfection,

there is, well, the little
time...maybe we waste.

Somebody on this film's got to be a
perfectionist.

David can't direct traffic, and
Tig's nothing but a...

well, a gorgeous hunk of meat.

Now, will you go away and let me
rest.

Serena, my precious...

Out!

She mad? Bestiale.

I'll talk to her. No, no. Stay out.
Leave her alone.

I have a feeling I'm in the way.

Scusi, signorina.

Sorry, Simon.

All right.

I'll be on the set when I'm good and
ready.

One sound... ..you
get it.

Oh, what's going on here?

Get those lights on!

Watch it!

DAVID: What's going on?

You're being sabotaged. What do you
mean?

You'll be thrilled to know that the goddess of
the silver screen has left for parts unknown.

What? Serena's gone.

# Amoroso quanto e bella

You're not with this crew. Who are
you? Shut up.

What did you say? Shut up!

You hit me. Do you want more?

He hit me. And you let him!

You shouldn't have done that.

I hit women lots of times. They
like.

You want, maybe, I hit you, huh?

Samson?

What casting.

Toni Amato? He hit you? Si.

But why? He's a good boy. He work
for me five years.

You steal his girl maybe, huh?

Never. His girl I do not even know.

Here. Did he say anything?

Nothing.

I hear him, I turn...

..I fall.

No, no, his address. Indirizzo.

It is a curse. Everybody who works
for me is a madman.

Go to First Aid. Somebody go with
him.

Toni Amato. Via della Robia.
Thanks.

Va benissimo.

May I borrow your car? Of course. The
keys are in it.

Thanks.Will you be long?

No, I'll be back.

But I have a feeling you won't be
seeing Serena Harris for some time.

Va bene.

Are you the construction manager?

Si, signore.

What do you know about Toni Amato?

Toni... He's always my good friend.

Toni has only the one fault.

Only one?

Money.

Yesterday,

when we drive to work together,

Toni, he borrows from me , lira.

Oh, what for? Who knows?

But it was very strange, signore.

As we drive home together, he pays
it back.

Was it pay day yesterday?

No, that is tomorrow.

But Toni, he have the big roll of
bills, like this.

, maybe , lira.

Where did he get it?

I do not know.

Scusa.

It is impossibile to understand.

With Serena gone, what do I sh**t
this afternoon?

Maybe yourself.All right, if you're
not worried...

David, dear boy, Serena will be back after
lunch. She's only having a little temperament.

Hal Ward is in your office. He says
it's important.

If it is not Serena, it is her
agent.

Everything happens to me.

Relax. They're all the same -
screaming, yelling, feuds.

It's either O Solo Mio or g*ng
warfare.

I've had 'em.

I'll sue! Mr Ward, please.

I am, as you say, caught in the
middle.

You think you are Serena's agent...
So does the law.

..but Serena, she think differently.

Well, then she'll learn. Please, you
settle the little...

disaccordo with her, no?

When I first met Serena Harris, she
was a dumb, little rd Street stripper.

With nothing but a G-string and a
lot of ambition.

Oh, brother, did she want me to
represent her!

"Hal, darling, I'll do anything."

OK. OK. So she did everything.

All over the place.

And now she makes a million bucks a
year.

And I'm entitled to % of it.

Legally...morally...

..and every other way.

You explain this to her, yes?

And to you, buster, as producer of
this film.

Her contract states that her salary
will be paid through my office.

You see that it is or I'll sue you
too.

You are dismissed, Mr Ward. Thank
you so much.

Now, look, Roberto...

this could mean my job, my whole
future.

I have things to do. Good morning.

Wait. What's the matter?

No...it's impossibile.

What is it?

"Serena Harris has been kidnapped.

Ransom instructions will follow.

If you want her back alive, don't
bring in the police."

That way.

As soon as they find out I'm
missing,

every policeman in this whole
country is going to be looking for me.

Nobody is going to look for you.

Not exactly the Plaza, is it?

I feel absolutely sick.

Why? Why?

They're kidnappers, that's why.
Mm.

They could keep us here for days.

I wonder what they'll give us for
lunch.

You're hungry? I'm starving.

And will you take off that hideous
wig?

Toni?

Hello.

Who are you? Where is Toni? That's a
good question.

I will get the padrone.

You might as well get the police
while you're at it.

Polizia? That makes you nervous?

Mm.

Are you Toni's girlfriend?

Si. Maria.He's a lucky fellow.

Please tell me, why are you here?

It's quite simple. I'm from the studio.
I've...come to pay him some money.

I will give it to him.

You know about it, then?

I know only that someone at the
studio he say he will give Toni much money.

Did he say who?

No. Did he say whether it was a man
or a woman?

No. I know nothing.

Makes two of us.

Oh, Maria, don't make any plans for
an immediate marriage.

Unless, of course, you're planning on
spending a long honeymoon with Toni in jail.

No. Toni, he do nothing wrong.
Never.

Nothing except kidnapping.

And possibly m*rder.

Oh, Roberto, calm down.

Everything, everything. Why does she
happen to me?

$ million already in Delilah.

Without the Serena, I'm ruined.

What will I do? You could stop
crying.

You English have no feeling.

The only thing you feel is your
million bucks.

Like you feel your commission, huh?

Oh, gentlemen, no
hair-pulling, please.

I've got a sneaking suspicion this
could be a publicity stunt.

But who would do such a thing, huh?

I wish I could say yes, but Toni
Amato knocked out the electrician.

That was no publicity stunt.

That is true. Divine idea
but I am not guilty. Wait.

I k*ll myself. What a...

What a very good idea.

Well, friends, it looks like we're
all going to lose a lot of money.

Would anyone care to mention my wife's
physical safety or is that of no interest?

We've all been very thoughtless, Herbert,
I'm sorry. I'm sure I speak for everybody.

Yes, yes.Then why don't we call the
police?

No! Do not get the police. They will k*ll her.
Then I lose every penny of my investment.

I... Oh, no, no, no, no.

For Serena's safety, no police.

Whatever they ask...I will pay.

Vittorini.

Vittorini.

Si.

The ransom...is a half a million
dollars.

It work perfectly. Good.

Hey, Toni, what for you come here?

I tell you. I warn you.

I say, "Sergio, we call it off."
But, no.Hey, what's the matter?

This Templar, he see me. He's onto
us. I tell you, he will find us.

If he find us, we will get rid of
him...

..very easily.

Hi, what are you up to?

What's that?

What it looks like - a tape recorder.

The microphone's in the tie clip.

You...press it and it works.

Very ingenious. But why?

I've...been chosen.

For what?

To represent Roberto in a meeting
with the kidnappers.

Excuse me.

Beth Parish Publicity.

I'll call you back in a few minutes,
all right?

You've released the story?

The wires are burning. I don't know
what to do next I'm so busy.

Then get even busier.

Put a cat among the pigeons and see
who flies.

Meaning? Meaning this is an inside
job.

Somebody in the studio's behind it.
Who?

I don't know, but you might spread
the word around that I am suspicious.

Do a little snooping.

See if you can uncover a few motives.

Well, I'll see you later.

Sergio, e Templar.

It makes no difference. Nothing can
go wrong.

Why you, hmm?

Oh, I like to be useful.

Caffe.WAITER: Si, signore.

Do sit down.

You think maybe because of you we
should be scared? Huh?

Possibly.

Signore, believe me, we could k*ll
Serena Harris and Tig Jordan

and nobody would be able to find
them or us.

You remember that, OK?

Vittorini must pay.

Otherwise, no picture.

So now we talk, huh? Go ahead.

The ransom is , US dollars.

It was five on the telephone.

So, now it is six. A little bonus
for Il signore Jordan.

Grazie.

WAITER: Grazie, signore.

To get the ransom in cash, that will
take a little time.

Several hours.

You will put the money in a suitcase.
You will take the suitcase to...

No deal.Che cosa?

I er...have to see them first.

Impossibile.

Well, they're no use to us dead and
no use to us d*sfigured.

Signore, I swear, nobody lay a hand
on them.

Then prove it.

No.

OK, I'll...see you around.

No, signore, wait.

OK, if you insist.

I do.

But I warn you, you try anything and
you'll be very dead.

What's the idea? I like to see what
we're paying for.

It's all right. But that is all you
will see, signore.

If you don't mind...

Andiamo, Renzo.

Sorry. Nothing like a blind date, I
always say.

You mind if we have a little air?

Mind your head and watch for the
step.

I have a g*n, signore, so please, no
trouble.

Not yet!

Simon! Now, signore.

Serena, I'm glad to
see you're still in one piece.

Who is behind this? What's going on?

How long will we be here? What's
Roberto doing?

Roberto's going mad but he'll pay up.
Who's behind it? I'm afraid I don't know.

You mean this whole thing's on the
level?

Yes, but don't worry, you're in no
danger.

The ransom will be paid by this time
tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Do you mean we've got to
spend the night in this hole?

It does take a little time raising
cash, especially in Rome.

OK, you've seen enough. Come on,
Renzo.

Say, how much are they asking for
us?

Oh, half a million for Serena.

, for you.

But think of all that beautiful
publicity.

Mmm.

Oh, Tig, don't take it so hard, this whole
thing's gonna be over by this time tomorrow.

, for you...

and , for me.

If the press get hold of this, it'll
ruin my image.

Oh, Tig.

Now, signore, we take you back to
the cafe and let you go.

I will explain the ransom
instructions on the way.

OK. Sta attento la testa.

Come in.

I got a message that you wanted to
see me.

I always want to see you, David.
You know that.

Oh? Since when?

Ah, you're such an interesting man.

Yes, I know it.

Simon Templar thinks that this is an
inside job. You have to be joking.

He thinks someone in the studio has
organised this,

someone who a) hates Serena and b)
needs half a million dollars.

That's ridiculous.Is it?

Well, do you believe it?

I instantly thought of you.

You must be out of your tiny little
mind.

Serena's driven you mad on Delilah -
one continuous battle.

As a result, she's had you kicked
off her next picture.

It was never definite that I would
direct it.

It is now. You won't.

I never signed a contract.

You're broke, aren't you, David?
Of course. I'm always broke.

Everyone knows that. There's nothing
unusual about it.

You're in hock for every penny of
your Delilah salary.

And when it's finished, you're
unemployed.

And sweet Serena is doing everything
she can

to keep you that way.

Are you seriously accusing me?

Yes.

I wish you were right. It's a
marvellous idea.

Can you raise that much cash by
tomorrow?

I will have to.

Signore, to turn this over to the
police would be most wise.

To turn this over to the police
would be madness.

Ispettore, please, do nothing.

Keep out of this.

These two people, I must have them back,
you understand, to complete my picture.

Millions are at stake. Please, you
promised me.

The police can do nothing without
your cooperation.

Roberto...

And you, too. No heroics. No daring
rescue.

Please, Simon.

I will find the money somehow.

She's not only beautiful...

she's a truly fine human being.

Absolutely unique.

Like a lady cannibal.

What? Don't overdo it, Herbie.
Not with me.

How dare you!

We all know you hate her.

The question is, how much?

Herbie Wheeler - husband number
four.

Er...number five.

You forgot Charlie.

And everybody forgets Charlie.

Ready for the scrapheap?

Before you married her you signed a
property agreement.

I did nothing of the kind. I saw it.

You saw it?

She discussed it with our legal
department, to make sure it was airtight.

What Serena has, Serena keeps.

You're contemptible.

I know. But I admit it.

A flesh-peddler.

Oh, please.

Nobody's ever called an agent that
for years.

But that's what you are. You live
off her too.

She owes you a fortune.

You hate her just as much as I do.

Probably more. Only I can afford it.

She's not my sole means of support.

But what are you going to do after
the divorce, Herbie?

Go back to London and get a job as a
postman?

You wanted a personal angle, well,
you've got it.

Come back here!

You can't say things like that! Come
back here!

Come back here!

Pigeons? Bravo.

Then tell Uncle Simon.

The question is not, has Serena any
enemies? It is, has she any friends?

Everyone I've talked to has a
motive.

Hmm. How did you get on?

The payoff is tonight.

So we just wait, is that it?

No, that is not it. Come on.

Right. Let's start, shall we? It'll
never work.

We drove perfectly straight from here for about
a minute and then we came to a traffic light.

OK. Your traffic light. What next?

Straight ahead.

SIMON ON TAPE: Sorry, nothing like a
blind date, I always say.

Now, left turn. Coming up.

Now what?

Now, keep going and
look for a clock.

No clock.

There has to be. Keep looking.

Ah, there.

Next, a fountain.

Ha! That shouldn't be difficult.
Rome's full of fountains.

That's encouraging.

Well, do you see anything? Not yet.

Hmm. And you won't.

SIMON ON TAPE: You er...mind if I
have a little air?

There!

I just don't believe it.

Now straight.

You know, you're better than radar.

Now watch for a viaduct or a bridge.

Anything you say, skipper.

Then I heard a train almost
immediately.

Just what do we do when we find this
place?

Re... Rely on the inspiration of the
moment.

I'm not easily inspired.

I am.

I've got it.

Turn right.

Viaduct ahead.

They should have you
working on the moon sh*ts.

You couldn't miss.

I'm lost. Congratulations.

We stopped not seconds after that
viaduct.

Pull up.

This is it.Are you sure?

Sure, I remember this grill.

That's the door I went through. Oh,
Simon. Roberto...

Now you wait in the car. I thought...

Saints rush in where publicity women
aren't allowed.

Get in the car.What if something
happens?

Nothing's going to happen to me.

I tell you, "Do not interfere," I
say.

No heroics.

Simon was absolutely brilliant. He
figured out...

Brilliant? They are gone.

They may even now be dead.

I hardly think so. They're far too
valuable.

Yes. To me. million dollars'
worth.

Without them I am ruined.

Now go. Go both of you.

You've raised the ransom money?

Si. When will you have it?

The actual cash, I mean.Tonight.

I want to deliver it.

We'll do exactly as these people
tell us.

No argument. I want Serena back just
as much as you do. She is my wife.

Ah, Renzo, what keep you so long,
eh?

Salami, chicken...un po' di pane.

Ah, she's screaming out for food.

I swear they're trying to starve us
to death.

Serena, remember Hero Of The Lost
Valley?

Hmm. Jerry Weldman was the
cameraman.

I looked absolutely marvellous.

Remember the sequence where I k*lled
the native chief?

Vaguely.

I wasn't in that scene.

Something to throw. Hm?

Sit there.

Now, there'll be two of them coming
with the food.

When the one guy puts the food down,
you throw the vase at him.

I'll erm...

I'll hide behind the door.

Now...the instant you throw that
vase,

I'll leap out from behind the door

and give the other guy one fast
karate chop. Aah!

Oh, Tig.

That only leaves the frightened one.
What's his name...er...Toni?

I can deal with him with one little
finger.

Now, Tig, I really don't think...

Serena, why should we knuckle under
to these g*ons?

You're absolutely right.

Aah!

Argh! Here.

Argh!

You want to eat?

Eat.

Well, we're...back to square one.

What do you think will happen next?

New ransom instructions.

Which Roberto will keep a deep, dark
secret, and pay up.

And you'll mind your own business
and I'll let you buy me dinner.

Dinner tomorrow night.

Pronto.

Yes, Hollywood, put it on, would you?

Hello, Mike.

It's Simon.

What do you mean, where am I? Rome.

I want you to do some fast checking
for me.

Yes, here's a list of the people.
First of all, Roberto Vittorini.

Yes, the producer.

And then David Bradley.

He's directing.

Oh, and er...guy called Herbert
Wheeler.

That's right. Serena Harris's
husband.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, and Serena's agent.

Al Ward.

Well...see if they've got police
records, income tax status.

Well, anything you can.

Just make it as fast as possible.

Oh, by the way, a friend of yours, Beth Parish,
is handling the publicity on this picture.

Yes, of course I will.

Ciao, Mike.

Vittorini. It's them.

Yes, I understand.

Look, it's not my fault that Templar
interfered.

Si.

Yes, I have that.

Listen, whoever you are, listen. Are
they all right?

Yes, at once.

Take the money to this address.

Herbert, please. Just leave the
money. Do nothing brave.

And, Herbert...

make sure you leave it.

Anybody home?

Is that what I think it is? Get out
of my way, Hal.

It's almost funny.

You delivering Serena Harris's
ransom. Well, give her my best regards.

And tell her she better pay me my
commission or I'll sue her blind!

Who's that?

Only me. Taking a short cut to my
car.

Any news? They'll be released
tonight.

How do you know?

They telephoned the instructions through about
delivering the money to Vittorini. Yes.

I wish Roberto had asked me to
deliver the money. Why?

Because, my dear boy, praying fervently
that I would never see your hideous wife again,

I'd have skipped with the money.

What did I tell you?

But, Sergio, we agreed.

Ah, we do all the work. We take all
the risks.

You right. So, why not we...take all
the money?

I do not think...No, you do not
think.

You do not think!

Even the bird in the tree, they
scare you. Huh!

Renzo, it is time.

Go get the money. OK.

You know what to do? Yes.

What's that?

I'll go see.

Aspettate.

Andiamo interno.

Hey, Sergio. Huh?

What are you going to do with them,
huh?

They do nothing for us, why we do
anything for them?

You can't er...

You can't just leave them locked up.
Why not?

But they...

It could be days before they are
found. They could starve to death.

All right, all right, all right.

I give them what is left of the
food. Si.

You want the food?We want out.
What's Roberto doing?

He don't think you're worth nothing.
He won't pay.

Now, that's ridiculous. He's
kidding!

He think it over. You stay here two,
three, four days, maybe.

Oh, Tig.

So...have a nice time. Hm?

Oh, Tig.

SIMON: Don't bother.

School is out, children.

What happened?

Hey, where's the money?

Oooh!

Ooh!

I didn't fight my way out of strip
clubs without learning something.

Ah, welcome, Ispettore.

Your er...kidnappers, and Miss Harris
and Mr Jordan safe and sound.

Signorina Harris, could I ask a
small favour? Not now, not now.

Only for your autograph.Oh,
darling, how sweet of you.

What did you say your name was?
Umberto.

Umberto. Always I admire so much
your pictures.

Oh, you're very kind.

Here, darling. Is mine.

Darlings.

DAVID: Do you want a drink, darling?

Oh, I'm glad to see you back too,
Tig.

Gee, thanks, Beth. No ill effects?

None. Except I missed my vitamin
sh*t.

Aww!

Where's Simon? Ciao, ragazzi.

Ah, Simon.

A party? Mm. Pour Simon a glass of
champagne.

ROBERTO: Look, Simon... It seems
er...

Where did you get that?

Once, not upon a time...a brilliant
producer

started to help himself to some of
his -million-dollar budget.

When he got in too deep, he conceived the idea
of having his leading players kidnapped.

He planned to use the ransom money to
replace in the till what he had fiddled.

Now the insurance company was
delighted to cough up.

Otherwise, it might have been
involved in a -million-dollar loss.

End of story.

Fade out, as they say in showbiz.

What er...are you going to
do, eh?

Well, nothing. Nothing. After all,
you're a genius.

Ispettore.

And I'm sure he's going to let you
finish your picture.

You know, Roberto, it's a great pity.
You could have got away with it.

Except for Simon.

And Delilah.